Welcome back to Prometheus’ Fright Fight Friday! Today is the second round of the ALIEN bracket and it’s going to get… well… interesting. For those of you who are new to the series, every Friday we will take 2 of the most well-known alien horror movie monsters and pit them against each other in a fight. (This is a hypothetical fight and no aliens were hurt in the process of writing this story.)
There are 4 brackets in total. ICON (winner Jason Voorhees), ALIEN, HUMAN and CLASSIC. The winners of each bracket will face off in the finals for the title of FRIGHT FIGHT FRIDAY’S “KING OF THE MONSTERS!”
Then, when all is said and done, we will have a HEROS bracket. The winner will earn the right to try and take down our “KING OF THE MONSTERS” for good in a one-shot battle to end all battles! For the Alien bracket announcement click here! To catch up on past fights, click here and type in FRIGHT FIGHT FRIDAY!
Today’s competitors are both on the comedic fringes of horror. They are vastly different, and pretty much the exact opposite of each other. JoJo The Klownzilla and Critters! One is a giant Killer Klown From Outer Space, standing at about 18 feet tall. The other? Small, fury, space balls of death. With teeth. Lots and lots of teeth! It’s a horror movie Davids’ VS Goliath! Let’s get into it folks!
JOJO THE KLOWNZILLA
What can I say? The guy’s a giant, Killer Klown From Outerspace. If you were raised in the late ’80s/ early ’90s, chances are you remember him well. 1988’s Killer Klowns From Outerspace wasn’t a particularly good movie, per se. OK, let’s be honest, it was downright bad.
It was corny and stupid and chock full of lame special effects, but damn did I love it! I still do! My favorite Klown was JoJo the Klownzilla, their leader. He was bigger, stronger and more deadly than the other Klowns. What’s better than Killer Klowns From Outerspace, you ask? Easy. A giant Killer Klown From Outerspace. Duh.
He enjoys eating people, cotton candy cocoons and giant mallets. Oh yeah, he also seems to be fond of killing anything in his way as well.
Able to pick up cars and toss them aside, JoJo has a lot going for him in the strength category. He can withstand all kinds of attacks, but he does have a weakness. His giant, bulbous, red nose. He loves to consume humans, mostly through a Krazy Straw and has a very bad temper. Don’t let the makeup fool you, JoJo the Klownzilla is no joke.
Critters, also known as Crites, are pretty harmless by themselves. I mean sure, they have super sharp teeth and an egregious appetite, but they’re only like a foot tall. That’s why Critters are the only group I have allowed to enter the competition They are a pack animal. They roam in packs, hunt in packs, eat-in packs and when things get tough, they form a giant murderball and roll over people in packs. Seriously, that ball does some major damage.
They eat people and animals, stripping their meal to the bone with their razor-sharp teeth, and have been known to use an English swear word or two. Oh, and did I mention they can shoot poisonous quills that will knock you out? No? Well, they can. They can also communicate with each other and form plans.
They enjoy hanging out together, sharing a good meal and rolling around town. Still, their favorite activity is killing. They really love killing. Their weakness? Well, they’re tiny and have small limbs.
Critters are messy, and really only ever have one thing on their tiny little minds. Food and they are more than willing to go through whatever or whoever stands in their way to get it.
It’s a cool night in small town America. The stars sparkle in the heavens, the moon is full and bright. He sits, watching from the roof of the town's only convenience store as a light appears in the sky.
“Huh?” Speaking out loud, but to himself, his eyes remain glued to the strange light in the sky as it grows larger. Whatever it was, it was getting closer by the second.
Almost forgetting why he was out here in the first place, he takes another hit off of the joint inhaling deeply. The light was much closer now. Close enough to see that it was some kind of a ship. It hovers above Main St. for a moment before landing in the middle of the road.
The doors open, and out jump a gang of tiny creatures with beady red eyes, about ten of them. He looks at the joint in his hand and throws it aside, not believing what he’s seeing.
As his mind tries to comprehend what his eyes are looking at another light appears in the sky. One of the small creatures on the ground points up at him, signaling as the others shake their heads in agreement.
They roll into little balls and move fast toward the building. Before he can escape, they’re on the roof with him. Their red eyes glowing in the darkness. “What, what the hell are you?” Stumbling backward, he trips over his chair and lands sprawled out on his back.
He sees the teeth as they come...
They eat well.
A crash down on the street disturbs them from picking the last bits of meat off of the bones. The Crites assemble together, standing on each other's shoulders so that one of them can get a look down on to the street.
Emerging from the ship, a giant monster looks around, then focuses on the roof. It’s dressed as a clown and its teeth are sharp and yellow. Its hair is a ridiculous purple.
JoJo the Klownzilla had been looking for the little shits that ate his three friends for a week, and now he finally found them.
On the roof the Crites gather in a circle, probably discussing how to eat JoJo. They break it up as two of them roll down the stairs, toward the street. JoJo sees the two immediately and lets out a disturbingly strange laugh as he walks in their direction.
The 2 Crites roll between his legs, weaving in and out, trying to trip the Killer Klown. A giant foot lands on top of one of them hard, squishing it into Crite jelly. Crite #2 rolls under a car parked on the side of the road, trying to avoid his friends' fate for at least a few more moments.
JoJo grabs the car and lifts it in the air as if showing off before throwing it into the road. It lands hard on its metal roof, sliding several feet as sparks fly from under it. Crite #2 looks up, sure that his time has come.
The shadow of Klownzilla’s foot engulfs the little guy as he jumps, gnashing his teeth in a desperate attempt to gain a few more moments. He clamps down on JoJo's foot hard.
The Killer Klown howls in pain as the razor-sharp teeth sink into his flesh, down to the bone. Blood drips from the wound and on to the street.
Crite #2 releases his jaw and refocuses on his mission. Get him to the ground. By any means necessary. He falls to the floor and immediately balls up, wasting no time as he rolls around JoJo’s legs.
The behemoth comes down hard as the Critter squeals with Joy! As JoJo hits the floor the door to the building violently bursts into pieces, along with parts of the wall.
The Critters had assembled into a big ball of fur and teeth and were just waiting for the big guy to go down. Brave Critter #2 cheers as they barrel toward JoJo, destroying everything in their path from trash to even a bicycle that happened to be on the side of the road.
JoJo sees them coming and stands up as fast as he can. The giant quickly rips a telephone poll out of the ground and waits. As the Critter ball of death comes close, he swings the pole like a bat, connecting with the force of a truck. It breaks apart the Critters like when a speeding Q ball hits the rack.
They fall to the ground, scattered and dazed as JoJo the Klownzilla closes in on them. His footsteps vibrate the ground as he walks. His mouth contorts into the grotesque smile of a raving madman, exposing his yellow fangs. His eyes twinkle with glee. Finally, he would have his revenge.
Suddenly, a sharp, deafening pain rings through his entire body! His vision fades, his knees weaken and he wobbles side to side.
JoJo comes down like a demolished building as if his support beams were removed from under him. Dust kicks up around him. For a moment, all things seem to be still. He lets out a dreadful wail of pain as Brave Critter # 2 bites harder into his giant, shiny, red nose.
JoJo rips the Critter off of his face, removing most of his nose in the process but it’s too late. Before he can react, the rest of the Critters (minus poor Critter #1) are upon him like a swarm of killer bees or more appropriately, piranhas. Furry, killer land piranhas.
With 2 on each leg, 2 on each arm and brave Critter #2 on his face, they make quick work of poor JoJo the Klownzilla. They eat ravenously, munching and chewing and gnawing until there is nothing but his giant skeleton and a pair of bloody oversized Klown shoes left on the street.
Sirens in the distance interrupt them from picking at the bones. A cop car pulls up fast, its lights shining, siren blaring. The officer steps out of the vehicle for a closer look. As he approaches the Critters swarm around him, licking their bloody little lips.
“What the fu..”
This one was fun. I love both of these silly characters. This is a fight though, and if ten Critters were to face JoJo, there just wouldn’t be much that he could do. The Critters are small, yes, but they’re ferocious, devious, and they plan things.
Plus, with that big exposed nose, it was just a matter of time before a Critter sunk its teeth into that thing. I’m going with Critters on this one. Sorry, JoJo, it’s been real.
What do you guys think? Am I right? Would Critters eat JoJo like hotcakes? Or does Klownzilla smash them into Critter fritters? As always, comment below and don’t forget to upvote your favorite fighter! That’s all, for now, folks but I’ll see you next week for round # 3, THE THING VS THE BLOB!!! Until next time, keep on geekin' on my friends!