Dudes, I love writing my brilliant comedy articles for AICN. It has brought me untold happiness and caused literally some people to LOL. I have also become super famous and am currently snorting drugs off hookers on a luxury yacht (although by “snorting drugs” I mean drinking diet coke and by hookers I mean the table in my room and by luxury yacht I mean my room). So you can see that all of your AICN and taxpayer dollars aren’t going to waste. FACT!
HOWEVER this is a movie website and it’s about time that I was allowed to do some PROPER film journalism. OK I got to interview JJ Abrams on the set of STAR WARS but surely that doesn’t count? SO it is time to put down the jokes, lock humor in the cupboard, can the laughter and GET SERIOUS with my OFFICIAL list of the BEST FILMS of 2018! NO JOKES ALLOWED, JUST MOVIE JOURNALISM!
Now I must make it clear that this is my own personal list and does not represent the opinions of AICN, its non-Hedgehog staff, its investors or its affiliates. However it DOES represent the opinions of GEORGE CLOONEY, BARACK OBAMA, DONALD TRUMP and BEYONCE – FACT!
So, what are the 10 best films of 2018?
1 – THE LAST JEDI
This was UNDENIABLY the very best film of 2018. But it came out in 2017 you might say? Well, just like RIAN JOHNSON I have totally subverted your expectations! Look it is now 2019 and we are still talking about it so what more proof do you need? It had the best plot, the best acting, the best effects and the best everything. Don’t believe me? Well it has a rock solid 100% rating on Rotten Tomatoes and I have heard that they are making a sequel to it which will come out later this year. You wouldn’t make a sequel to a film that was rubbish would you? It’s simple logic.
2 – THREE BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE EPPING MISERY
Based on the STEVEN KING novel “Misery” this film is everything you want from a film. It had the best plot, the best acting, the best effects and the best everything. Plus it also had lots of rude swearing in it and there was a fire and an open ended ending which isn’t really an ending at all when you thing about it. Clever stuff! Probably Tarantino’s best work.
3 – BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE EPPING MISERY
I’ve already done this one.
4 – CLOVERFIELD PARADOX
The original CLOVERFIELD is the best film ever made. Shut up you. Yes it is. So what could be better than another one? Especially when it was set in space during the Superb Owl? This film was SO GOOD that all of the other films ganged up on it and said it had to be released on NETFLIX to give them a chance at the Oscars. And it worked because amazingly CLOVERFIELD PARADOX won very few Oscars at all. What a fix!
5 – FIRST MAN
A proper serious film rather than all of this superhero rubbish. It tells the story of a normal man, not some crazy hero. A perfectly normal average man who travelled further and faster than anyone ever before and did something that no-one had ever done and will be remembered as long as the human race exists and his only flaw was messing up his line when he stepped on the moon! “One small step for man – one giant leap for mankind”. It should be “A MANKIND” doofus - EPIC FAIL! No wonder they called him NEIL ARMSTRONG. (LOL! Get it? Probably not as I didn’t put a joke in there – I totally fooled you, SUCKER!!!) Anyway do you know why he messed up the quote? It’s because he wasn’t a mankind at all! Men can’t go to the moon, that would be ridiculous. Just read any number of insane and easily disprovable theories from dumbasses. No the TRUTH is hidden in plain sight. Look at his name – NEIL A. Which is ALIEN backwards!!! MIND BLOWN!!!!!!!!!! Actually I stole this from Elon Musk, nobody TESLA him! (Editor’s Note: Is that meant to be “tell him”? Very weak)
6 – CITIZEN CANE
You can’t have a “best of” film list without this on it. Did it come out in 2018? Who knows? Probably. Anyway I haven’t seen it as it is in black and white (the two worst colors) and it’s probably got subtitles and rubbish CGI. They never made a sequel so it must have sucked – FACT!
7 – SEVEN
“What’s in the box?” Awesome ending! Why can’t more films end like this? With someone’s head in a box and Brad Pitt crying. That would have been brilliant! Did it come out in 2018? Well I watched it on Netflix during 2018 so that means it did.
8 – BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY
Galileo! Figaro! Let him go! WHAT A FILM! It captured the pure MAJESTY (get it) of Queen’s amazing music from their early days right up to their show stopping performance at Woodstock. The guy who played Galileo was incredible and looked just like him! Even better the CGI Freddie Mercury was incredibly lifelike and Andy Serkis should (finally!) get an Oscar for this one. The critics hated it because they are stupid but REAL people loved it and that is why it is on my list. FACT!
9 – AVENGERS INFINITY WAR
Now we all know this was the best film of the year REALLY but you’re not allowed to say it because then you look like a stupid nerd who only watches superhero films. But it was the best wasn’t it? Yes OF COURSE it was. IT WAS MOTHERFUNKING BRILLIANT! FACT! Probably should be number one.
10 – SOME ARTY SUBTITLED FOREIGN FILM THAT NO-ONE HAS EVER HEARD OF
Yes. I saw this and you didn’t. I am much more intelligence and cultured than you and this proves it! I bet you liked AVENGERS INFINITY WAR didn’t you, you philistine.
LOVE YOUR 2018,