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Hedgehog's Corner – TITANIC

Enjoy another satirical piece by Hedgehog!


In the film TITANIC there is an iceberg and a big ship.  A huge ship. An enormous ship. A TITANIC ship (lol, get it, I am comedy genius)

On the ship are a Jack and a Rose.  “A Rose by any other name would still smell like a nice Rose smell” said Shakespeare and he was wrong because the film is set hundreds of years ago in 1800 or something and they didn’t have toilets then so she probably smelled really bad.  However I guess Jack thought she smelled nice and he fell in love with her at first sight because she looked just like the famous Kate Winslet and he hoped that they would get married but he was wrong as we shall see because they just had a quick fling in a prehistoric car with no aircon so the windows all steamed up and then he was dead.  So much for romance!

But what is the TRUE story of Titanic?  Well, fun fact, did you know that the film was made by mega super genius JAMES CAMERON?  He made some brilliant films like PIRANHA, ALIEN, TOP GUN, TRUE LIVES, TERMINATOR and unfortunately AVATAR.  But now he wanted to do something different and chose the TITANIC story. Cameron had been obsessed with TITANIC since he found out that it was a REAL ship and not some ridiculous made-up thing like a terminator or an alien or a piranha.  As research he built a submarine or M.I.L.F. (Marine Investigation Large Floater) and used it to boldly go down sixty-nine metres to the bottom of the ocean to look at the wreck and that gave him the idea for the film. LOL, I said “bottom”, that’s pretty rude.  Who said satire is dead?

The amazing thing is that while TITANIC went on to be the biggest box office smash of all time during the MAKING of the film everyone thought it was going to be a disaster.  Can you believe it? People thought TITANIC would sink without trace (get it?) Luckily Cameron is such a brilliant guy that he made a FANTASTIC film that all sensible people love to pieces because it is great.  In a way it was the start of “toxic fandom” because the only people who didn’t like TITANIC were dumbasses and doofuses (doofii?) who are too stupid to recognise its brilliance. They call this the DUNNING KRUGER effect where you are too stupid to understand what the DUNNING KRUGER effect is.  FACT!

The BEST thing about TITANIC was the actors.  Multiple Oscar winner and Ninja Turtle Leonardo DiCaprio played the hero Jack who was the King of the World.  Tickets to get on board the TITANIC cost a fortune so it’s lucky that he was so rich and could afford them, by spending some of his King money.  In contrast Kate Twinset was a poor flower seller called Rose (clue in the name there!) and only got onto the ship by mistake. She was meant to be in some rubbish BBC historical drama and wandered onto the wrong set and found herself grabbed by the Camerons.  Once the CGI ship set off across the CGI Atlantic there was no way off and that was that. Luckily Kate is a great actortress and was able to improvise her way through the film. Early on she thought about jumping overboard and swimming back to England to get on with her period drama but evil Jack stopped her and kept her on the ship.  Curses! What a monster, no wonder she killed him later in the film. Spoiler!

The BEST thing about TITANIC was the CGI (“Cuddly Giraffe Initiation”) done by ILM (“I Like Movies”) on an IBM (“Igloo Balloon Monster”).  At the time it looked incredible, but let’s be honest if you watch it now it’s rubbish and looks like some ancient film from 2008 or something.  Yuck! Just imagine the idiots from the past watching TITANIC and going “wow, this looks amazing” – what a bunch of idiots. Technology always moves on and something that looks incredible one year will obviously look dated and pathetic a few years later.  It’s simple logic. How can anyone honestly believe that CGI has peaked and will never get better? Ridiculous. Having said that did you see THE LAST JEDI? Those effects are excellent and they will NEVER be bettered.

The BEST thing about TITANIC was that you got to see some BOOBS which was brilliant.  Did you know that if you type BOOBS into a calculator and turn it upside down then you will see some completely naked 58008s?  Awesome! Who needs the internet?

The BEST thing about TITANIC was the action scenes.  You think you are watching a historic romance film and suddenly IT ALL KICKS OFF BIG TIME!  The ship gets hit by a massive iceberg - SMASH! What will happen next? The ship sinks - the end.  No, not really. There is lots of ACTION first. Jack steals a diamond, Rose steals a coat with another diamond in it, there are some gunshots, Rose attacks Jack with an axe and worst of all someone uses the wrong fish knife during dinner.  Oh yes, and the ship sinks a bit.

The BEST thing about TITANIC is the sinking scene.  First the front bit goes under the water and the back bit doesn’t and then the front bit goes under the water more and the back bit goes under a bit and then the front bit goes RIGHT UNDER the water and the back bit doesn’t at all and then the front bit disappears and the back bit goes STRAIGHT UP and then the back bit goes down quickly and then it goes under the water too.  I think I got that right. It’s very confusing. Why don’t they have a bloke explain it all at the start of the film so you know what is going on?

The BEST thing about TITANIC is the end.  Rose is floating on a bit of wood and Jack is swimming about to keep warm.  Rose says “get on the wood you dumbass” but Jack knows that would be a death sentence because she will probably attack him with the axe again so he stays in the water and the joke is on him because he is soon dead.  Ha-ha – EPIC FAIL! So Rose is now doomed but luckily she has a magic whistle and next thing you know she is riding a horse and flying an airplane and having a family and forgetting all about Jack and getting REALLY old like about 40 or something and then meeting BILL PAXTON which is probably the best moment of her life and then jumping off the back of a ship because she accidentally dropped her diamond in the sea and wants to get it back and then with it being a James “TERMINATOR” Cameron film she turns out to be a robot from space or something and goes BACK IN TIME to the TITANIC which isn’t very realistic to be honest and she meets Jack again and lives with him underwater on the sunken ship which makes no sense what the hell is going on I am now very confused but never mind it was good up until this bit.  THE END.

So, I hope we have all learned a lot about TITANIC.  Put together the romance of ALIEN, the action of TOP GUN, the plot from ROMEO AND JULIET, the sinking from a film that has a really good sinking in it (TITANIC, for example) and you have the GREATEST FILM OF ALL TIME.  Shut up you. Yes it is. It’s true that AVATAR took more BO money but it’s about the ART not the $$$ you philistine. Oh yes, and the boobs of course. Shame they didn’t sneak “boobs” into the film’s title somehow. That would have been brilliant.  Anyway, TITANIC rules and if you disagree please tell me below because AICN and DISQUS pay me $$$$$ for every comment you write in the Talkback. Thanks!




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