Big Eyes here, sharing with you the next satirical editorial by our very own Hedgehog! This week he takes on BLACK MIRROR: BANDERSNATCH. BLACK MIRROR'S choose-your-own adventure game!
On 28th December people clever enough to have NETFLIX got the chance to watch (play?) an amazing BLACK MIRROR episode called BANDERSNATCH. Your choices influenced the action on screen, a bit like one of those old “choose your adventure” books. BM supremo Charlie Brooker said that it took them a year to develop it all, but I am ten million times more intelligence than him so I came up with something much better in an afternoon. Here it is! Your very own HEDGEHOG AICN interactive adventure!
INSTRUCTIONS: Start at the beginning and just keep reading down unless an instruction tells you to jump to somewhere else. It’s really very simple. When you get to something that says “THE END” then it is the end and you stop.
WARNING: This looked great when I put it together on my super high spec mega computer but I guess the AICN website formatting which is from around 1996 will mess it up a bit, but I guess that just adds to the fun. Good luck and see you at the end!
1 – Are you HEDGEHOG? If yes go to 50.
2 – Do you understand binary? If yes go to 11.
3 – Where do dolphins live? In the ocean go to 4. In a jacuzzi go to 50.
4 – Do you think everything is pointless and futile? If yes go to 51.
5 – Are you the president? If no go to 12.
6 – Are you really? If no go to 12.
7 – OK then, so are you a GOOD president? If yes go to 10.
8 – So I guess you are TRUMP then.
9 – You smell. Satire isn’t dead! THE END.
10 – Hi there OBAMA! Go to 50.
11 – No you really don’t understand binary. THE END.
12 – Are you a dumbass? If yes go to 49.
13 – Are you a doofus? If yes go to 48.
14 – Are you a dumbass AND a doofus? Go to 48 or 49, I don’t really care which.
15 – Are you enjoying this interactive adventure? If no go to 15.
16 – Who is your favorite AICN person? If HEDGEHOG go to 50. If BIG EYES go to 17. If PRECIOUS ROY go to 18. If FREDDY BEANS go to 19. If HERC go to 20. If someone else please think again.
17 – Good choice! Enjoy watching all that anime stuff. Now go to 21.
18 – Good choice! You look so much like your avatar! Now go to 21.
19 – Good choice! You said “beans”. LOL. Now go to 21.
20 – Hi Herc. I guess you’re probably the only one reading this bit. Please don’t fire me, I need those AICN $$$$$$$$. THE END.
21 – Have I run out of ideas yet? If yes go to 4. If no go to 22.
22 – Sorry, I think I might have messed up the numbering system somewhere. So either go to 23 or 24, but not both.
23 – I thought this was a movie site, so where’s the movie questions? Errr, did you like THE LAST JEDI? If yes go to 30 if no go to 40.
24 – Which do you think is the best Indiana Jones film? If RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK go to 31. If TEMPLE OF DOOM go to 26. If INDIANA JONES AND THE HOLY GRAIL go to 25. If CRYSTAL SKULL go to 48 (and by the way you are wrong and very stupid).
25 – Doofus! It’s not called that. Your movie knowledge is weak, EPIC FAIL. THE END.
26 – Interesting choice, arguably ToD is the best one in a way.
27 – Now pay attention because you are about to go into the TEMPLE OF DOOM itself!
28 – There are two guards outside two doors and one of them always lies and the other one always tells the truth UNLESS the other one has lied first. But sometimes it is the other way round. You have only ONE question to ask them before going through a door. One leads to certain doom and the other leads to uncertain doom. You must choose a door! LEFT – go to 29. RIGHT – go to 48.
29 – Go to 9.
30 – Error, error, does not compute. THE END.
31 – Yes of course it is RAIDERS. Keep going!
32 – Are you good at doing anagrams? If no go to 47.
33 – What is seven times nine? If 63 go to 34 anything else go to 49 you dumbass.
34 – Think of a playing card, any playing card. But not the Ace of Spades of course because that would be too easy. Have you got one?
35 – If it is the THREE OF CLUBS go to 50.
36 – It should have been the three of clubs you idiot. You disappoint me.
37 – Wow this is harder than it looks, no wonder it took Charlie Brooker so long.
38 – Thank goodness I only went up to 50 options rather than my initial plan to go up to 100. That would have been a nightmare.
39 – Having said that could you do any better? If yes go to 30 if no go to 41.
40 – Are you SURE you didn’t like THE LAST JEDI? I mean it made loads of money. Go to 23.
41 – Well of course you couldn’t do better than me. I’m HEDGEHOG!!!
42 – Have you enjoyed doing this? If no go to 48.
43 – So by your own admission you enjoyed it. Surely such a great experience is worth some $$$$$$$? If no go to 48.
44 – How much do you want to send me? Less than $100 go to 49. More than $100 go to 45.
45 – I look forward to receiving your generous and legally binding sum of more than $100 within the next six working days, otherwise the AICN lawyers will be in touch. THE END.
46 – How old are you? Go to the number for your age in years. If it is more than 50 then go to the age you would LIKE to be (which I can bet won’t be over 50 you oldster!)
47 – HEN TED!!!
48 – YOU DOOFUS!!! THE END.
49 – YOU DUMBASS!!! THE END.
50 – YOU ARE THE BEST!!! THE END.
LOVE YOUR BRANCHES,