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Hedgehog’s Corner – SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Greetings, geeks.

Big Eyes here. So once again Hedgehog is sneaking these writings into random spots in my house. I suspect that he's some sort of squatter in my attic, but I can never catch him. There's always these weird scratches and odd "squeeing" sounds at night. I can't take it anymore. Perhaps if I share these writings, he will finally leave and I can live in peace. We shall see, we shall see.


For now, enjoy the SCARLETT fever dream that is Hedgehog's Corner.


Hedgehog’s Corner – SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Scarlett “Ingrid” Johansson is the most highly paid woman in Hollywood.  Which means she must also be the best one at acting. Otherwise they wouldn’t pay her so much.  It’s simple logic.

According to Wikipedia she was born in 1984 on 22nd November which is EXACTLY 21 years after KFC was assassinated in Dallas by a grassy knoll.  Very suspicious, surely this can’t be a coincidence? She even tries to hide in plain sight by playing the role of an assassin in the Marvel movies!  But despite this she denies all involvement even though she can’t tell us her whereabouts on the day of the assassination. You want more proof? Well, “Scarlett Johansson” is an anagram of “I am Lee Harvey Oswald” if you take out some of the letters and swap them for other ones that make it work.  Wake up sheeple!

Apart from killing the president the only blot on her career was during filming of AGE OF ULTRON when some jerk leaked some private photos from her phone onto the Internet.  It was terrible and whoever was involved should be ashamed of themselves. Get it? I could mean the leaked photos or ULTRON here and you’re not sure which and hence the humor arises.  This stuff doesn’t write itself, despite what AUTO-JOKE-BOT-5000 might try to tell you. Here’s one of his:

How many noses does my dog have?  Zero. How many dogs smell terrible? One.

Anyway, back to Ms Johansson.

Her first major role was in a subtitled Japanese film called LOTS OF TRANSLATION which was luckily in English so people could understand what she was saying.  This also starred Bill Murray from Ghostbusters, Ghostbusters 2 and the recent Lady Ghostbusters. Some stupid people said that Lady Ghostbusters wasn’t funny enough, but then they saw the box office figures and they were certainly laughing after that.  So everyone was happy in the end.

Scarlett Johansson is famously called SCARJO because you just put together the first parts of the two parts of her name to make a new name.  Some people find it confusing but it’s really very simple. For example, Marlon Brando is MARBRA, Leonardo DiCaprio is LEODIC, Peter O’Toole is PETOTO and Charlie Chaplin is CHACHA.  (Editor’s Note: Great! Keep them coming!) Errr, Kathy Bates is KATBAT.  And Humphrey Bogart is HUMBOG. Can I stop now?

Scarlett’s biggest role is in the MCU (MARVEL CINEMATIC UNIVERSE) which was almost called the Cinematic Universe of Marvel until they thought better of it.  She plays BLACK WIDOW who is the best female superhero apart from Wonder Woman and all of the other ones which are going to be in Marvel films soon and be much better.  However when Scarlett was cast it caused outrage - she keeps on picking inappropriate roles. She was an Asian character in Ghost in the Shell despite not being Asian, is Black Widow despite not being Black and starred in Girl with a Pearl Necklace despite [CENSORED ON LEGAL ADVICE]

Some nerds think that Black Widow is underpowered and as she is basically just a human being she could never survive the mega-battles with all of these superheroes and giant monsters.  Surely she would get wiped out in seconds? Well, while this is undeniably true, others have replied with three persuasive counter arguments of they don’t want to hear this, shut up and tra-la-la not listening.

Ms Johansson is her.  (Editor’s Note: What?)  Sorry, Ms Johansson is HER (in the film HER).  She’s some sort of robot computer thing from the future.  It was about AI which is “artificial intelligence”. Actually this is a famous oxymoron like “military spending” or saying “jumbo shrimp” about a normal sized shrimp.  Fun fact – AI isn’t only in films but it is in real life too. Elon Musk often warns about the dangers of it and how it might lead to the world being overrun by millions of singularities.  But then he thinks they’ll invent electric cars one day so I wouldn’t worry about it too much!

Anyway HER is like a rubbish version of EX MACHINA but not as good and with more people who want to write greetings cards and kill sexy cats or something.  It was very confusing. In the film Scarlett was just a voice so you never actually saw her so how do you know it was her at all? I think that’s the point they were trying to make.  In fact the voice was probably done in motion capture by Andy Serkis and not Scarlett at all. How do I know it was Serkis? Well let’s be honest, it usually is.

There’s talk about making a Black Widow solo movie - because solo movies always do well don’t they Ron Howard?  Ha, got him there! WICKED BURN!!! When Ron saw the opening weekend box office figures for SOLO they weren’t “Happy Days”.  His agent said that no more work was coming in as The Fonz had all stopped ringing. Ron wouldn’t be striking it Richie off the profits.  The Star Wars fans said they’d had enough and he wouldn’t be Cunningham into seeing another one of his films ever again. (Editor’s Note: Is that meant to be “conning them”?  Should have quit while you were ahead)

According to professional film critics who think they know better than everyone else Scarlett’s best film is “Under the Skin” which you’ve probably not seen if you’ve got any sense.  In it she plays some sort of alien from outer space (thereby depriving a real alien of the role, typical!) But don’t get excited because she’s not one of those fan-favourite aliens that chase Ripley or cure Elliott or come through a portal (it’s always a bloody portal, isn’t it?) to battle the Avengers.  No, instead she is a rubbish alien who drives a van and eats people, sort of, but not in a gory, rip them apart way so don’t bother getting excited. She also takes her clothes off a bit, but not in a sexy way so don’t bother getting excited, and then she takes her SKIN off which DEFINITELY isn’t exciting and then some confusing stuff happens and it’s the end.  Critics loved it because they’re stupid and hate entertainment and only like boring things that make no sense. Maybe THEY are the aliens? Wake up Sheeple!

But it’s not all Hollywood movies.  Scarlett has also done a lot of good work for charity and loves to help the less fortunate, i.e. anyone with a net worth under $50 million.

Well I think we’ve all learned a lot about Scarlett Johansson.  She’s an inspiration and shows that women in Hollywood can do anything that men can do and better - FACT!  (Can’t wait to see the Talkback on this one, get the Ban Hammer ready!)


Hedgehog xxx



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