“You want the cruise? You can’t handle the cruise”
But here’s a cruise that you CAN handle - it’s TOM CRUISE!
There are lots of actors in Hollywood these days. I can think of at least four and that’s without even referring to Wikipedia.
There’s Tom Hanks, Tom Hardy, Tom Hiddleston, Tom Holland, Tom Waits and of course Tom (from Tom and Jerry). There are even some actors who aren’t called Tom. Such as Jerry and Chris Pratt and Tommy Lee Jones (close but no cigar!)
But there is also TOM CRUISE who is the best Tom of them all. FACT!
From his first film which was called RISKY BUSINESS which was about underpants for some reason and featured Tom dancing like a crazy fool right up to the latest MISSION IMPOSSIBLE film you can’t have ever failed to miss seeing him in action. He always brings his “A”-game and “A” stands for ACTION. And what amazing action it is. The latest MI is called “Fallout” because Tom falls out of a helicopter. (Probably. I haven’t seen it, but it seems a pretty safe bet)
But it’s not all film-making and helicopters. Tom has married and dumped some of the hottest women in Hollywood including the wonderful Nicole Kidman who is now married instead to Keith Urban from County and Western music. Hopefully she will “stand by her man” and not ask for a “D.I.V.O.R.C.E.” (This exhausts my knowledge of C&W references)
Tom was in a great film called “LIVE DIE REPEAT” which was also a terrible film called “EDGE OF TOMORROW” and a non-film that should have been called “ALL YOU NEED IS KILL” (the Beatles least popular song). The great thing about LDR was that it was really Groundhog Day in space and that made it a much better film than it would have been otherwise. Every time Tom’s character (no-one knows what his name is) died he came back to life again and got shouted at by Bill Paxton. Do you remember Bill Paxton? Of course his best role was in ALIENS where he played Hicks. For a laugh he dressed up as a giant hen, but when the aliens attacked his wings couldn’t hold the laser machine gun so he had to take off the hen costume, but he couldn’t work out how to do it. Hence his famous line – “How do I get out of this chicken outfit?” (Editor’s Note: Nice set up! Well worth it for the punchline which only a small number of Aliens aficionados will get. More of this please)
But Tom doesn’t only appear in science fiction movies that rip off Groundhog Day. He’s been in all sorts of films! He was in Top Gun which was about tops and guns, Minority Report which was about minorities and reports and Cocktail which was about other things.
Fun fact! Tom was in a film that was called “Born on the Fourth of July” but he was actually born on the THIRD of July. EPIC FAIL HOLLYWOOD! In fact this “joke” only works because this is an actual true fact, go and look on Wikipedia if you don’t believe me! Not very funny, but pretty amazing. The next time you are talking to someone about when Tom Cruise was born you can just throw this into the conversation and look like a genius. A tedious date-obsessed genius.
A few years ago Tom starred in a remake of the “WAR OF THE WORLDS” which had originally been written by H.G.Wells who lived long ago in the distant past before films had been invented. He was a true visionary and it is incredible that he managed to write the full shooting script for a CGI-heavy blockbuster before he even knew what cinema was! Due to rampant nepotism he insisted that the film was narrated by his son Orson Wells which was a big mistake because he was so terrifying that foolish people thought the film was real and ran screaming out of the cinema. Ironically the film WAS real and they were all killed by the alien tripods, if they’d stayed hidden in the cinema they’d have been safe.
Did you know that WotW was directed by legendary director Steven Spielberg because he is very good at directing things. But not this time. It was terrible and his career was ruined – critics said that it was his worst film and he should be ashamed of himself. They couldn’t believe he would make such a terrible film and that hopefully it was just a blip in his stellar career. Spielberg knew he had to pull out all of the stops and make a masterpiece to salvage his reputation. Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull came out the following year.
In 2017 the very stupid “Universal Pictures” tried to start a very stupid “Dark Universe” with the very stupid mega-flop “The Mummy”. Did you see it? It was brilliant! Tom Cruise played Brendan Fraser, the metal leg woman from Kingsman was The Mummy and other people were in it too. Russell Crowe was the bad guy (or was he?) and there was lots of CGI. You can never have too much CGI or, as I call it, Computer Generated Incredibleness! Whether it’s making metal leg woman look as if she has real legs or de-aging Carrie Fisher so she’s young again in ROUGE ONE or correcting mistakes in post-production like when someone accidentally calls a film ROUGE ONE or adding a CGI Leia into Star Wars IX (even though you said you weren’t going to do it, but they totally will) it’s brilliant. CGI equals box office and “The Mummy” proves it. FACT! (Editor’s Note: What? Please come to my office)
Anyway back to Tom Cruise.
Tom’s next film will probably be Mission Impossible 7. I’m guessing he’ll climb a skyscraper, ride a motorbike, fight some people and, in a totally unexpected twist, let Simon Pegg be in it. What will the mission be? Maybe an impossible search for Pegg’s long lost credibility. SNAP!
Well, hopefully we’ve all learnt a lot about Tom Cruise. The man, the films, the legend! I think I’ve covered everything about him in this comprehensive write-up. I don’t think I missed anything. There’s so much to say about Tom Cruise and hopefully this article is long enough to fit everything in. I don’t want it to be TOO SHORT. (Editor’s Note: Good one. You got him there)
Keep on cruising!
Love,
HEDGEHOG xxx
@HedgehogAICN
HedgehogAICN@mail.com
