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REVENGE OF THE TALK BACKS vol. 2! - "Hedgehog" vs James Bond!

Wheels here for a moment.

So.... here we are again. Another Sunday and I find another "article" from Hedgehog. This time it was crammed under my front door. I mean... how?

Okay, let's get on with it. The ideas stated here do not reflect the thoughts and opinions of AICN or their affiliates. Also, I'm about 70% sure this satire ... it has to be, right?

Right?

...

Hedgehog’s Corner – JAMES BOND

“My name’s Hedgehog.  Hedgehog”

That’s what I’d say if I was the world’s top spy – JAMES BOND!

 

 

You have probably seen his films, but did you know that before they were films they were books written by a man called Ian Fleming?  His main claim to fame is inventing penicillin, but the books are pretty good too (although if you do the things that Bond does they are more likely to cause an STD rather than cure it, so be careful out there!)

James Bond is famously known as the man that men want to be and women want to be a woman now because it’s about time.

Of course the current Bond is Craig Daniel Craig but not for much longer.  After the last one which was called Spectre and was awful he said “no no no, I will never do it again, no matter how much money you give me, unless it is over 25 million in which case OK” so he will now do one more.  No-one knows the title yet but we can make an educated guess that it will be similar to the last 24 films. Probably something like “You live today and die twice tomorrow” or “Dr Diamond Eye”. Actually that would be pretty good.  Give me a call Cuddly Broccoli and let’s make this happen!

 

 

Before Craig some other actors played Bond.  Sorry ladies, no female Bonds yet but you got to play plenty of one-night stands, prostitutes, love interests and victims so I guess it all equals out.  Personally I’d like to see Helena Bonham-Carter play Bond. She would bring something new and interesting to the role but I guess she’d insist on Tim Burton directing it which would be a BIG mistake.  Are they still together? It all seems to be a bit “on off on off” between them doesn’t it? I guess it’s tricky to find someone else to go out with when you’re so famous and, like they both are, a bit weird and wacky.  Did they have kids? If so they probably called them something wild like Octopus and Dromedary and Curtain. Curtain Burton. It does have a bit of a ring to it actually.

Anyway back to Bond.

With so many films from Dr No to Spectre and so many people playing Bond from Sean Connery to the other ones you’ll find that pretty much every base is covered.  Bond can be serious (“From Russia with Love”), funny (“Goldmember”) or feature a bear and much less spying (“Paddington 2”). Whatever he does people just love Bond!

(Actually did you get the Paddington joke?  The books about the bear from darkest Peru were genuinely written by a guy called Michael BOND.  So there is a Bond connection and the joke definitely works. If you didn’t get it please try to keep up and do your research.  This stuff doesn’t write itself)

 

 

James Bond is a true globe-trotter.  In every film he travels to exotic locations to do his spying and stuff.  Although surprisingly he has never been to Australia. FACT! Yes, this is a real true fact.  See, we are laughing and learning. (Mainly learning)

As it is now 2018 (or some other year if you are reading this in the future) there is a lot of talk about the next James Bond film being Idris Elba.  This would be a good choice. He is a great actor and I have loved all of his work from playing someone in The Wire (which was apparently the best TV show ever until Breaking Bad came along) to playing some bloke who lived in a mountain with Kate Winslet in a film that no-one saw last year.  In between that he played various other characters and an accordion in Prometheus. Well, when I say he “played an accordion” I don’t mean that he “played an accordion”…oh you know what I mean, don’t be ridiculous. (Like Prometheus was ridiculous – ha-ha, got you there! Wasn’t it bad? I hated it.  Ridley Scott has totally lost it. Why can’t he go back to his glory days and make a sequel to his classic Top Gun?)

 

 

Anyway, how come James Bond can be played by all of these different actors?  Why doesn’t Q or M or Moneypenny say “Oh James, you look different now”? It’s just not very realistic.  Surely they’d have noticed when Sean Connery changed into Roger Moore or one of the other ones. Some people have theorized that James Bond is actually a code name and when one of them is killed (off screen) then they put someone new in their place.  But that sounds a bit far-fetched. I reckon that James Bond is a Timelord like Doctor Spock (or THE Doctor Spock as true fans insist on). He can regenerate (off screen) and that explains the change of appearance. FACT!

There are some great fight scenes in James Bond films.  The best one was in “From Russia with Love” and was a vicious life and death battle between Sean Connery and Robert Shaw.  It is brilliant; check it out on YouTube if you haven’t seen it. Amazingly Shaw later went on to be in Jaws and was brought back for Moonraker where he ended up marrying a blonde woman with pigtails after escaping from space.  People think she had braces but that is a famous NON-FACT. Don’t be fooled by the Mandela Effect sheeple, she had NO braces. But Shaw WAS in Jaws so that’s good. He did that show-stopping speech about the Indianapolis 500. It still brings a tear to my eyes to think of all those cars being eaten by sharks.  Classic!

 

 

By the way here is a special James Bond themed joke.  (I own the copyright for this but feel free to use it for non-commercial purposes)…

“What car does James Bond drive in most of the films (apart from Never Say Never Again which isn’t canon) and if it was an alcoholic drink with a similar sounding name to the second part of the car’s name then he would like it to be shaken and not stirred?”

“Aston Martini”

Well hopefully this has answered all of your questions about James Bond.  Roll on BOND 25! I wonder who will be the villain in that one? Some sort of Elon Musk, Blofeld, Hank Scorpio hybrid with frikkin’ lasers on his head probably.  Maybe they could get that bloke from Pulp Fiction to direct it? Forget the R-rated Star Trek Quentin, this is what we really want to see.

“Casino Royale with cheese”  TARANTINOO7!!!

 

All my love,

-HH

 

 

Previous entries in this series:

REVENGE OF THE TALK BACKS vol. 1! "Hedgehog" vs THE MEG

 

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