There is a rash of hilarity on the Internet these days involving bots subjected to our baser entertainment options and then forced to vomit content, and it is objectively very funny. From the Olive Garden commercial to the SAW sequel, they’re hilarious. If you haven’t encountered them, stop reading this immediately and Google that shit.
You’re back? Funny, right? Well, that’s exactly what JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN KINGDOM is. I mean, it has to be, right? If you’ve missed the previous four entries in the canon, let me fill you in:
Scientists have mastered genetic editing, and after discovering dinosaur DNA in the fossilized bloodstreams of prehistoric mosquitoes preserved in amber, they have cloned dinosaurs and corralled the creatures in a theme park to delight children young and old. This happens four times and every time the dinosaurs eat the humans. So cue number five.
This go ‘round, the “protagonists” are faced with a hard decision: the island upon which the dinosaurs abide (alone, mind you, because they ate a bunch of the humans so the humans left) is poised to be consumed by a volcano. Should they, the little deities that jerked these things back from extinction, now allow them to die or rescue them? Sure, transporting the dinosaurs will be dangerous, and whatever location they re-settle them in will surely be jeopardized, but now that they’ve played God who are they to play God and let the species die, or re-die, or re-extinguish?
They ask themselves this question, out loud, and to us, the audience, several times throughout the film. Which is just hilarious. It’s as if we’re in the boardroom, then in the writers’ room, as those behind this film are asking themselves this very question. They’ve made this worldwide phenomenon; who are they to let it die after only five movies? Should they, though? I mean, should they?
The answer is yes. Good God, yes!
But, I digress. The film follows the pattern of the four before it:
Prologue - A dinosaur attacks a human! The audacity!
Act I - Look, dinosaurs! Revel in their awesome awesomeness. Meet the “heroes”; they love dinosaurs, just like you.
Act II - Wow, dinosaurs are actually dangerous. Good thing our heroes know what they’re doing. So long as there is no human treachery afoot, they’ve got everything under control.
Act III - Damn the folly of man! For truly it is he who the monsters be! Now the dinosaurs are running amok. Oh, how foolish we were to meddle in the affairs of God and Nature.
Epilogue - Look, dinosaurs! Revel in their awesome awesomeness.
But, of course, we have to improve upon the previous installments, which THEY LITERALLY DO IN FRONT OF YOUR MOVIE-GOING FACES!!!!! Remember during the last outing when, after they realized they’d scared you with every existing dinosaur, they made one up? SPOILER ALERT: they do that again! And, if that weren’t enough (‘cause it isn’t), they go a step further with [SPOILER REDACTED]! Don’t that just beat all?
Is this movie all bad? No, not all bad. You get to see Buffalo Bill (Ted Levine) as a big-game hunter, James Cromwell plays a dying billionaire who needs one selfless act to shuffle off his mortal coil, and Dr. Chaos (Jeff Goldblum) comes back to talk at us. Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard show off some great chemistry, and newcomers Justice Smith and Daniella Pineda make for fine comedic relief. Add the ever-evolving amoeba Toby Jones to the mix with a familiar dash of B.D. Wong, and you’ve got yourself a stellar cast on non-dinosaurs. Oh, and the dinosaurs look pretty great, too.
As far as story, script (Pratt turns to fuming volcano: “It’s about to get a lot hotter.” Puts on blackout shades as The Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again” blasts from speakers directly behind your head.), pacing, and batshit What-the-Fuckery, this movie is… bad? I want to say bad. Let’s just say bad.
Will there still be a third installment? Well, if you had made dinosaurs, or billions of dollars on dinosaur movies, would you allow them to die? Of course not. So, yes, there will be a third. And, yes, I will see it in the theater. Because although I am unable to say this movie was any good, it was still loud and exciting and there were fucking dinosaurs and you bet your ass I want to see dinosaurs.
Because, come on: Look, dinosaurs! Revel in their awesome awesomeness!
Until next time, see you at the movies!