Here's Light House Shines' look at THE NAKED MAN. I have heard absolutely nothing about this film which was written by J. Todd Anderson & Ethan Coen (not Cohen, Light House). It is directed by J. Todd Anderson, who has been the storyboard artist on all the Coen brother films. Now, Light House says this is a total piece of shit, but I am going to wait and see. The films of the Coen brothers take an acquired taste, and the films that were massively storyboarded like the Hudsucker Proxy are even less appealing across the board, but I still like em. Ultimately, let's wait (as you should always do) till more people chime in on this one. Could be a film for 10% of ya or perhaps 90%. Just depends which side of the coin Light House is on, and we don't know that do we? Nope. Stay tuned for more on this flick, I want to hear from you...
Now I really do not consider myself a Cohen brothers fan by any means, but I do know enough about their respective work to know that one Cohen brother, "does not a good film make." As only one of the two Cohen brothers worked on this little piece of pure schlock. Which I am sure will be an utter failure at the box office. As I can only describe this film as 90 minutes of pure torture...well maybe it wasn't that bad, but it was pretty much a piece of hot steamy crap if you ask me! As I was literally looked at my watch the entire time of this film, hoping it would end and it was rather short at only 90 minutes as I already stated!
As the film stars Michael Rapaport, who while a good actor in his own right, was obviously in need of some quick cash ( probably for some sort of drug addiction or maybe some quick cash to pay for his legal defense since he is currently being charged with stalking his ex girlfriend). Otherwise I have no idea why he would choose to be in a film called "THE NAKED MAN!" As Michael plays a character named Edward Bliss, a respected chiropractor by day, masked super wrestler by night. Hence the name "The Naked man, as Michael's character dresses up in one of those leotards where you can see what the muscular and skeletal system looks like...Like that old childrens show where you could see that man's guts! Mr. Goodbody or something, that scared all those children to death each time he danced around like some walking corpse. Anyway Michael or Edward is pretty much a nice decent guy, though he has a few screws loose. Most likely from his bizarre upbring, as he was constantly bullied on the playground since he was smaller and I guess nerdier than all the other children. Which is when and where he learned how to be a wrestler, as the school's gym teacher decided that instead of routinely molesting him he would teach him how to a wrestler so he could defend himself ( It worked a little too well, as Edward usually broke his opponents arms while wrestling them). Which also lead to a dramatic riff in Edward's personal family life. As Edward's father was the local pharmacist owner, and staunch advocator of drug use ( Legal drug use that is!). A calling he wished his son would follow, instead of his desires to be a chiropractor. Hence their falling out and lack of communication for like 10 years or something, that is until Edward showed up to tell his mother and father that he was retiring from Wrestling and opening up his own chiropractic studio across the street from his fathers pharmacy, where Edward and his wife could wave at them each morning day and night ( This film was really that sappy and lame in parts). As Edward is going to be a father soon, and he wants a better life for his child as well as his parents to know their grandchild. Which is where we have the films tender family reunion and reconciliation...Though that is short lived as Edwards parents and expectant wife are gunned down while he is out buying medical equipment by some local drug store enforcers. Sticks a paraplegic hitman (Played by that nerdy Michael Jeter), and some Elvis wannabe drug addict who is an unknown as far as I know.
Which is the exact point where the film becomes even more pointless as Edward basically walks around town in his nasty body-body suit, beating up and killing anyone who gets in his way. Usually by adjusting their spines permanently, which was funny the first couple of times, but than it just became incredibly lame and tiresome. As if spine snapping was a good substitute for acting ability, good dialogue and and actual plot! As this film had none of these qualities or qualifications, although Michael Rapaport, as I said earlier, is a good actor. He just walked through this film, quite literally! Though luckily that all comes to an end when it is discovered that Edward's wife didn't really die in that drug store hit as Edward believed. As she was merely grazed repeatedly and in a semi coma in a nearby hospital...I mean it would have been a little cold blooded to not only kill his parents, but his wife and unborn child as well and this is supposed to be a comedy after all.
Okay now while I did laugh a few times, most notably at all the mindless violence and random character interactions...Which really made no sense and were so pointless, that you just had to laugh at their absurdity! I was incredibly bored, and this film was just so mind numbingly pointless and too long at only 90 minutes! Which seemed seemed like an eternity as I looked at my watch over a dozen times and noticed at least 25 people walking out of the screening...No wonder the recruiter lied to everyone and said if we went we would get passes to either Godzilla or Armageddon, as he knew this movie sucked and no one would go otherwise (I'll get you buddy, and your little dog too!). In fact I have never been happier to leave a screening than I was that night, as it quite literally drained all the life out of me. I mean I was even too tired to stick around the theatre and sneak into another movie, a good movie mind you! So my advice to you, which I hope you will all head, is to stay the fuck away from this awful film! Sorry about the language, but it really does suck and you shouldn't waste your money or time on it as there are better things you could be doing for 90 minutes in the dark that watching this piece of crap.
Sincerely,
Light House Shines
