Hi readers, did you know that this is my TWENTIETH article for AICN? Doesn’t time fly when you’re writing and reading brilliant stuff! Well at the latest AICN staff meeting it was announced that I am now the best and most popular writer on the team so, as a reward, I don’t have to write a stupid “comedy” article this week because I have been selected to do our LIVE coverage of THE OSCARS!!! I thought this would mean being flown out to HOLLYWOOD on the AICN private jet (paid for by your tax dollars) and spending hours mingling with MEGA STARS on the RED CARPET and then going to massive AFTER PARTIES where I’d get to take lots of cocaines with movie legends and super models.
Due to budget cuts (thanks Trump you dumbass!) I have got to do our LIVE coverage by watching the stupid OSCARS on a stupid TV. Which is not the same at all. And I can tell you in my mom’s basement there is a BARE MINIMUM of cocaines and super models.
Never mind, we shall persevere. (Do it for the FANS Hedgehog, do it for THE FANS)
Of course remember that there are lots of other awards going on in what I like to call “awards season”. There’s the Golden Globes, the BAFTAS, the GRANNIES, the RASPBERRIES and the ACADEMY AWARDS but we all know that the best ones are THE OSCARS. Named after Oscar the Grouch (although they don’t look much like him EPIC FAIL STATUE MAKERS!) these little golden statues are given to people who have acted the best in films over the last year and also people who aren’t on the screen but do important stuff behind the scenes like lighting and fluffing and CGI and songs and directing and producing (which are basically the same thing). Because it is now 2019 and everyone is a WOKE SJW there are separate “best actor” and “best actress” categories to keep the men and women apart so they don’t grope each other and stuff, which is probably for the best. But strangely everyone else is lumped together - you don’t have “best producer” and “best produceress” so it is still pretty sexist and in the dark ages whichever way you look at it. Get your act together HOLLYWOOD!
Anyway now I have to spend HOURS watching the OSCARS and write about it all IN REAL TIME as it happens, even the rubbish awards that nobody cares about like “Best Foreign Animated Short” and “Best Costume in a non-superhero film” and “Best Meryl Streep” and things like that.
So, here we go…
Wow, look at all these glamorous people on the red carpet! They are so rich and good looking and successful. They have such a wonderful life, but are they REALLY happy and do they have a regular AICN column that is read by literally some people most weeks? No they don’t, so who is the REAL winner here? Stop telling us about your clothes and who designed them, we want to know about the MOVIES!!! (In case you’re interested in who I’m wearing it’s top designer GAP and some sweat pants that the label has fallen off but I think they were from exclusive fashion chain Walmart)
As you may know there is no host for the OSCARS this year because EVERYONE that they asked turned out to be sexist, racist, homophobic, too expensive or, worst of all, Ricky Gervais. So no host seems like the right call.
So this year they are starting with best visual effects. Come on INFINITY WAR! Don’t let it be SOLO FFS! Stop teasing us……….YES!!!!! It’s INFINITY WAR!!!!!!! WOO-HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe THANOS will go up and get the award, that would be awesome! Oh, it’s some nerdy guys I’ve never heard of. BORING!
Next is “best make-up and hair”. YAWNVILLE! What a con, they could only come up with THREE nominations for this one. They should have given this to THANOS – he is PURPLE all over and that make up must have taken HOURS to put on. It’s…….someone I’ve never heard of for some film I’ve never heard of. BOOOOOO!!!!!
Now it’s “best song” and the winner is…….FREEBIRD!!!!!! (Of course it is, FREEBIRD DUDE FREEBIRD nothing comes close whatever the year is, woo hoo!!!) Sorry, I might have dropped off for a minute there, but I think I got away with it.
What? Now it’s “sound mixing”? Isn’t that the same as “best song”? FAIL! And now it’s “costume design” which sounds BOOOOOOORING. We’ve already SEEN millions of amazing clothes on the red carpet so I’m going to ignore this one, what a waste of time.
“Best foreign film”. Come on ROMA, come on ROMA. YES IT’S ROMA!!! All the other ones are stupid films that you’d have to drive miles to see at some rubbish art house cinema but ROMA is on NETFLIX so I can safely watch (i.e. put on in the background and ignore) for free at home. RESULT!
Now it’s a couple of OSCARS for short films. Surely they should only get half an OSCAR or something. Because they are so short you see. Maybe call it an OSC or a CARS. Because that is the only way Lightning McQueen is going to win anything, am I right, am I right (is this thing on?)
“Best original screen play”? WTF - I thought this was awards for movies? Nobody wants to see a stupid PLAY with people on a stage in a theater. FAIL! I don’t know what “cinematography” is so I’ll ignore that one and now they’re doing “best ADAPTED screen play” EVEN THOUGH WE’VE ALREADY ESTABLISHED THAT THIS IS FOR MOVIES AND NOT PLAYS – MASSIVE EPIC FAIL AGAIN! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE A HOST TO KEEP THINGS IN ORDER!
At last it’s time for the BIG awards of the night. They have been won by a man and another supporting man and a woman and another supporting woman in that order. Well done to them. Didn’t catch their names, sorry.
What’s left? Oh yes, it’s the one we’ve all been waiting for it’s THE BEST FILM OF 2018 AWARD! And they’re handing over the envelope and opening it and the OSCAR goes to….”THE SHAPE OF WATER”!!! Hang on, I told you not to let PWC do it again this year…
LOVE YOUR OSCARS - Hedgehog xxx