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Hedgehog bites into the U.K.


Hello Hedgehog fans! Smell my cheese! Don’t tell ‘em Pike! That’s a nice Tnetennba! Before we start my in depth analysis of BRITISH COMEDY I want to tell you a bit of background info. I live in BRITISH COLUMBIA which surprisingly isn’t in Britain and isn’t in Columbia but is actually in CANADA! We are much better than the USA which I like to call SOUTH CANADA. Canadians speak TWO languages which are ENGLISH (“Hello geezer, where’s me top hat”) and FRENCH (“Bonjour!”) but Americans have trouble speaking one! They say things like “Me want hamburger” and “Me vote Trump” and “Me think the dialectic imperative is implicit within the normative paradigm” when of course we all know it’s NOT implicit AT ALL, dumbasses!

The only bad thing about Canada is that there’s no comedy so we import it all from Britain, but luckily everyone loves British comedy. Such as Monty Python and, errrr, can’t think of any others. But MONTY PYTHON man!!! John Cheese, Sarah Palin, Terry, Gillian, Eric the Eagle and Graeme Garden were the comedy DREAM TEAM. “This is a dead parrot” “No it isn’t” “Yes it is” – GENIUS!!!

Fun Fact - British people are the most polite people in the world. If you bump into someone in Britain they will apologise and look ashamed but if you do it in America they will shoot you in the face. Americans can do this because of the NRA (Not Real Acronym) and something called a CONSTITUTION which keeps getting amended and now says “A well-regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed and you can shoot people whenever you feel like it. MAGA! USA! USA! USA!”

What about another British comedy? THE OFFICE. Starring Ricky Gervais! OK, bad example. Gervais is the sort of “comedian” that stupid people think is clever and clever people know is stupid. But at least he’s not JAMES CORDEN. Yuck! CORDEN does lots of work in America because Britain managed to kick him out for being hideously unfunny and crimes against comedy. But not only that I heard that if he ever returns to Britain he will immediately go to jail because he has committed AT LEAST seventeen brutal murders in the UK. (AICN LAWYERS: You can’t say that, you have to say “allegedly” otherwise he can sue) This is definitely a TRUE FACT. (AICN LAWYERS: ALLEGEDLY!) No he DEFINITELY did it. (AICN LAWYERS: ALLEGEDLY!!!) No he definitely didn’t not undo it. (AICN LAWYERS: Allegedly?) Ha! So you’re saying that he DID do it! (AICN LAWYERS: DAMMIT!)

Fun fact – did you know that THE OFFICE is actually a metaphor for life itself? Or is it a simile? I always get those confused. I think a simile has to use the word LIKE so, for example “I LIKE CAKE” is a simile. A metaphor on the other hand MUST NOT use LIKE so, for example, “I HATE CAKE” is a metaphor. But hopefully you also hate metaphors because if you say “I LIKE METAPHORS” the universe will go into a linguistic paradox and probably explode. So don’t do that. Another good metaphor is “LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD” where the weapons are red roses and boobs and the battle goes on FOREVER until to death do you part. Although that means that after you are dead you are free to start seeing other people so that must make the afterlife a bit awkward. Actually the biggest difference between LOVE and a BATTLEFIELD is that with LOVE nobody dies, unless it’s from a broken heart or from loving someone just TOO MUCH or, of course, from auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Another good metaphor is “HEDGEHOG IS A GENIUS” which is definitely true because you are reading this RIGHT NOW and as I type these words they go STRAIGHT INTO YOUR MIND and I am now controlling you like some sort of puppet and whatever I type you will be thinking it in your head and I can make you think anything that I like so for example I can now say SQUIRREL and you will think of a squirrel and now I can say ANOTHER SQUIRREL and you will think of that now and then I can say SEND ME LOTS OF $$$$$$$$$ and you probably won’t do that because you are mean but what if I told you that it is TAX DEDUCTABLE and the more $$$ you send me the less tax you pay and if you don’t believe me just contact the IRS and see (their email is by the way). Hope that helps!

Probably the best ever British comedy is SEINFELD. Set in a big city (probably London) it shows viewers how you can get jokes from everyday life where nothing ever happens. It stars Gerry, George, Elaine, Krampus and Newman (“Shut Up, Newman!”) coping with the day-to-day hassles of life, such as finding somewhere to park, dating quandaries and completely ruining your career by being racist. Right from the beginning they enforced three comedy rules – “No hugging”, “No learning” and “No soup for you”. Unfortunately as soon as the show went off the air the stars all fell into poverty and obscurity, apart from Newman who popped up in Jurassic Park as a wig thief. Hence his classic line “Dodgson, Dodgson, we’ve got Dodgson’s hair!” LOL! Is this joke too obscure? Come on, this is brilliant, surely SOMEONE gets it? And if ONE person laughs then my time has NOT been wasted. Plus it’s important to remember, especially if you’re a “Hedgehog Hater” that I get paid the same $$$$$$ whether you like it or not, so everyone’s a winner! (Especially me)

Tangential Fun Fact – did you know that COMPUTERS were invented by the British? It’s true! I love my computer, do you? She’s lovely and rather naughty! She can show me her bits any time she likes (and she can bootstrap me any time she likes and she can install a persistent cookie any time she likes and she can ping my network any time she likes and she can distribute my shareware any time she likes and she can expand my zip file any time she likes and she can overflow my memory buffer any time she likes and she can hard boot my ROM any time she likes and she can import my macros any time she likes and she can accept my pop-ups any time she likes and she can be my client server any time she likes and she can inspect my firmware any time she likes and she can connect my input device any time she likes and she can fill my dropbox any time she likes and she can show me her botnet any time she likes and she can install some updated printer drivers any time she likes and she can scan my attachments any time she likes and she can open her laptop any time she likes and she can check my bandwidth any time she likes and she can visit my clean room any time she likes and she can do an offsite backup any time she likes and she can go cross platform any time she likes and she can take downtime any time she likes and she can measure my throughput any time she likes and she can attempt an illegal operation any time she likes and she can change page orientation any time she likes and she can show me her flash memory any time she likes and she can install a Trojan any time she likes and she can swallow my [EDITOR’S NOTE: that’s enough rude computer puns and well done for not using “floppy” in any of them])

Well I hope we have all learned a lot about Britain and British Comedy.

Good day to you Sir!




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