Aloha yall,
Tex Hula
After the release of GREMLINS in 1984 there were a slew of knock-off movies. GHOULIES, MUNCHIES, TROLL, and HOBGOBLINS. But heads over them all was CRITTERS.
Although it's technically not a rip-off. The screenplay was written, and was purchased by New Line Cinema before GREMLINS wrapped filming. But the success of GREMLINS did help get the ball rolling (ugh, puns) on CRITTERS.
Above all else they had a great design by the amazing Chiodo Brothers (KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE, TEAM AMERICA). They were modeled after the Looney Tune's Tasmanian Devil, and it really shows. Not only did they have a great design, they were great in concept. They could roll themselves into balls and travel around like little furry tumbleweeds, they shot poisonous spikes from their backs, and they would eat everything in their path, and the more they ate the larger they would grow.
I've only seen the first two movies in the CRITTERS franchise. With CRITTERS ATTACK! being released I decided to go through the entire series.
CRITTERS (1986)
Thoughts before watching: I had the chance to see this in a theater. My Aunt and Uncle took me to the movies, I had to choose between this and LEGEND. I picked LEGEND, and I stand by that choice. I had a dubbed VHS version of CRITTERS, that I watched multile times. I haven't revisited it since then, and have never seen a widescreen version.
A group of creatures known as Krites are transported to an intergalactic prison located on an asteroid. Shortly on arrival they escape, steal a ship, and head for Earth. The Warden summons two shape-shifting alien bounty hunters to hunt down the Krites. The bounty hunters are named Ug and Lee. (Groan. But their names are never actually said outloud in the film. EDIT: Their names will be used mutiple times in CRITTERS 2.)
On their way to Earth they watch a quick tutorial video on Earth culture, specifically American culture because that's the number one destination for space travelers. Ug watches a music video for Power of the Night, and decides to transform himself into lead singer Johnny Steele. This is a song the movie is very proud of, because they play it three times. Lee is waiting to find a look that suits him before he shapeshifts.
Ug's transformation effect is really cool. It's like a slow, reverse version of the melting Nazi effect from RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK.
This effect is never used again. Whenever they transform it happens lightning fast.
Meanwhile on Earth we meet the Brown family in Grover's Bend, Kansas. Mom is played by the always great Dee Wallace Stone. Son, Brad (Scott Grimes, THE ORVILLE), is handy at making home-made explosives, (a talent that will come in very handy later). Daughter April (Nadine Van der Velde, who would later star in MUNCHIES), is looking forward to the arrival of her boyfriend Steve (Billy Zane), from New York. They also have an alcoholic farm hand named Charlie (Don Opper, ANDROID) who believes he gets messages from aliens from the filling in his teeth.
The Krites arrive and begin wreaking havoc on the Brown family farm. The bounty hunters arrive and start blowing shit up looking for the Krites, starting with a church, and ending with a bowling alley. Lee takes the form of a dead Deputy, then the Pastor of the church, until settling on the guise of Charlie.
Finally the bounty hunters find their way to the Brown farm and the family teams up with the hunters to take down the Krites, including one that has grown six feet tall.
Also, M. Emmet Walsh (BLADE RUNNER) plays the Sheriff of Grover's Bend. He's a pretty ineffectual character. You could say he's more useless than a box of dead rats in a tampon factory (Thank you TOP SECRET). But there was one tiny detail I noticed in a scene he was in. At one point police dispatcher Sally (Lin Shaye, of course it's a New Line film), calls and wakes him up in the middle of the night to tell him about the chaos going on in the town.
I don't think I was paying attention to this when I watched it on VHS. Or maybe my copy wasn't clear enough for me to see it. But check out what's tacked to his wall above the phone. It's a picture of Dolly Parton ripped from a newspaper, and haphazardly thumbtacked to the wall. The thought of this lonely Sheriff wanking it to a torn out clipping of Dolly Parton makes me sad, disgusted, and laugh all at the same time.
The things we used to do before the internet.
CRITTERS manages to capture a certain fear. I've worked on farms for almost ten years now. I've gone into barns and heard things scurrying around overhead or in the corners that have raised the hairs on the back of my neck. I've grabbed bags of feed and have had little furry things jump on me and scare the living shit out of me. (Rats and mongeese.)
The movie actually manages to bring that fear out in a few scenes.
CRITTERS still holds up well. It's a blast watching the Krites rampage and get killed in various ways.
KRITE BODY COUNT: Two. The Deputy and poor Billy Zane were the only human victims. There were quite a few chicken and cow casualties. (Cowsualties?)
CRITTERS 2: THE MAIN COURSE (1988)
Thoughts before watching: This one I saw in theaters. I haven't watched it since. I remember the Playmate bounty hunter, and the giant critter-ball, but that's really all I can remember.
With the success of the A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET franchise, New Line was hoping to get another franchise going.They took a gamble and doubled the budget on a CRITTERS sequel.
The movie opens with the bounty hunters inside a cave taking down a spider-centipede creature. Ug and Lee are joined by Charlie, who is now a member of their crew. When they return to their ship they are informed by a alien, via hologram that a g-sweep was preformed on Earth and shows residual Krite life. So they head back to finish what they started.
Meanwhile in Grover's Bend, a Junkman finds a large nest of Krite eggs at the Brown's old farm, and takes them back to his shop. At the same time Brad Brown is returning to Grover's Bend for the first time in two years to visit his Grandmother. Brad's become somewhat infamous in Grover's Bend from the rumors around town of the events of the first movie. He hooks up with a former classmate, Megan.
His Grandmother goes to the Junkman and buys the Krite eggs so she can hide them for the local church's Easter egg hunt. (Who buys strange looking eggs from a junkyard and gives them to children?)
Soon the Krite eggs begin hatching. The first victim is the Junkman and his dog.
The new Sheriff has agreed to be the Easter bunny for the towns Easter egg hunt. During his time hiding eggs the Krites hatch and jump into his bunny suit through his open fly, and begin eating him inside the suit. This causes the Easter bunny to crash through a church window during service.
Brad and Megan suspect the Krites are back, so they go to the former Sheriff Harv for help. Not played by the great M. Emmitt Walsh this time. (Walsh had five movies release in 1998, including RED SCORPION and CLEAN AND SOBER. He was really busy around this time.) Now Sheriff Harv is played by the equally great Barry Corbin (WARGAMES).
Harv pretty much gives the kids the middle finger before hauling ass out of town.
The bounty hunters arrive and give the movie some of its greatest moments. Charlie finds a Playboy magazine, and Lee decides to transform into the centerfold, complete with magazine staple in his midsection. After a shoot out with the Krites at the town's diner, The Hungry Heifer, Lee transforms into the owner played by nerd legend Eddie Deezen (GREASE). The few scenes of Eddie Deezen playing a badass bounty hunter raises my love for it.
Later, Lee spots a cardboard cut-out of Freddy Krueger in a video store window and begins to transform into him. Charlie jumps in and stops it by placing the Playboy centerfold over Freddy's face, causing Lee to transform back to the Playmate.
Goddammit Charlie, we almost had a Freddy vs. CRITTERS. I've looked into it, but I can't find any information suggesting if Robert Englund was asked to make a cameo apperance.
So, Brad and Megan get the townsfolk and the bounty hunters to team up, and take down the Krites once and for all.
This movie has more gore and nudity than I've ever seen in a PG-13 rated film. Don't get me wrong, I love me some blood and boobs. I'm saying this just goes to show how inconsistent and confusing the MPAA rating system is. There were R rated movies coming out at this time that didn't get away with the things CRITTERS 2 does. If this were released today it would be slapped with an R rating. The PG-13 horror films we get now are bloodless, boobless affairs.
Siskel and Ebert gave CRITTERS two thumbs up. CRITTERS 2 would get two thumbs down, and end up on Roger Ebert's most hated movie list. I honestly don't get it. Personally, I prefer CRITTERS 2, it just amps up the fun and imagination. It's not dark like the first movie, it plays more as a comedy. It doesn't always work, like when a Critter ball knocks over a group of townspeople and they play a bowling pin sound effect. But the movie really works best when the bounty hunters are on screen.
Don Opper's Charlie has gone from town drunk and screw-up, to an intergalactic bounty hunter and screw-up. he's become my favorite character. I know him and Terrance Mann are in the next two movies in the series, which I haven't seen. Hopefully they can keep them somewhat watchable.
KRITE BODY COUNT: Five. Including an important character. Also more animal deaths, including a pit bull, and more cowsualties.
After barely making a profit at the box office, plans for more theatrical CRITTERS films were scrapped. Lower budget sequels were shot back-to-back and released direct to video.
CRITTERS 3 (1991)
Thoughts before watching: I watched a little of this on either TNT's MONSTERVISION or USA's UP ALL NITE and shut it off after ten minutes. Never a good sign. But, I'm going into this with an open mind, and hoping for the best.
A single father and his two kids, Annie and Johnny, stop at a rest stop in Grover's Bend after having a flat. The kids play frisbee and meet another kid, Josh (Leonardo DiCaprio's first screen apperance). After the frisbee is thrown deep into the woods, the kids run to fetch it and meet Charlie, who's tracking the last of the Krites. He tells them the events of the first two CRITTERS films using footage from both movies played out of sequence. The kids dismiss him as crazy, and leave.
One of the Krites manages to sneak to the family's mobile home and lays a batch of eggs in the frame of the truck.
The family travels back to their ghetto tenament building home. Their current maintenance man Frank, (Character actor Geoffrey Blake, who you might recognize from dozens of films. My favorite being YOUNG GUNS.), is working with the sleazy landlord to try to force the tenants out. You might remember this plot from other movies such as, HERBIE RIDES AGAIN, *BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED, (Which oddly enough has a story by Mick Garris, who wrote and directed CRITTERS 2.), JOE'S APARTMENT, an episode of THE EQUALIZER, and PETER PARKER, THE SPECTACULAR SPIDER-MAN issue #120. I know there are more but those are the ones off the top of my head. In all the movies I've listed, the sentient Volkswagen, the alien minature robots, the singing cockroaches, THE EQUALIZER, and SPIDER-MAN are all there to help the tenants. The Krites are just adding to the problems. There's only one reason for this sub-plot: to get the landlord and his step-son, Josh, (huge fucking coincidence), into the building.
After the Krite eggs hatch, Frank is the first victim. When the landlord can't reach Frank on the phone, he decides to take matters into his own hands. He brings his uninterested step-son Josh along to show him the ropes. After cutting the power and phones, soon everyone becomes trapped in the building with the rampaging Krites.
Critters 3 isn't a bad movie. It's just very pedestrian. It's dull, and lifeless in every way. The shape-shifting alien bounty hunters are sorely missing. There aren't any fun Critter deaths. There aren't any fun human deaths.
The movie is sold as CRITTERS in the city, which could have been amazing, but due to budget restraints, all the Krite action takes place inside one tenement building. Critters rolling around alleyways, feeding on homeless people until they become huge, and then being stalked through the streets by bounty hunters would be amazing.
I'll say a few things positive about this. There was a scene where the tenants were trying to find weapons they had to use against the Krites, an elderly lady shows off her favorite meat cleaver, that looks straight out of a Ninja Gaiden game.
And she gets to use it on a Krite.
Also, before the Krites take off in a rolling ball, they do a spinning burnout, Sonic style, beforehand.
And the lead Krite rolls in a spilled puddle of bleach, dying his hair, burning his face, and making himself distinguishable from the others.
I also liked the ending that sets up CRITTERS 4 during the end credits. I'm probably going to have to put a spoiler warning for CRITTERS 3 before my review of CRITTERS 4.
KRITE BODY COUNT: Two. And you will immediatly know which two will be victims while watching. Also, no animal deaths this time.
CRITTERS 4 (1992)
Thoughts before watching: That VHS cover art just screams, "We no longer give a shit!"
This is going to be CRITTERS in space. I know what to expect from this. I've seen LEPRECHAUN 4: IN SPACE, JASON X, and HELLRAISER IV: BLOODLINES. When horror icons go to space, all the action takes place in the interior of a ship. Just like all the action of CRITTERS 3 took place in a building.
Unlike the above mentioned horror icons, a CRITTERS movie taking place in space is actually logical, and could be great fun.
SPOILER WARNING FOR CRITTERS 3: The movie opens the way Critters 3 ended. Charlie finds two Krite eggs in the basement of the tenement building.
Before he can blast them, he gets a holographic message from Ug telling him those are the last two Krites in the universe, and he's forbidden from erasing the species from existence. A holding tube crashes into the basement that Charlie is in. And that's how CRITTERS 3 ends, and CRITTERS 4 begins.
Charlie crawls into the tube to place the Krite eggs, the doors shut, cyrogenically freezing him, and then launching him into space.
Fifty three years later a space salvage crew finds the pod. A working class space crew. You know the kind, I'm sure anyone who's reading this has seen ALIEN and its dozens of rip-offs. The captain, Rick, is a greedy asshole who will put his crews life in danger for his own gain. Pilot, Fran (Angela Bassett, two years away from an academy award nomination), tech guy Al Bert, (Brad Dourif, we didn't get Freddy Vs. CRITTERS, but we get Charles Lee Ray Vs. CRITTERS), his teen understudy Ethan, and the crew's muscle Bernie.
The team discovers Charlie's pod floating in space and pull it into their ship. They look into getting a reward for it and get a transmission from Ug, now president of the TeraCorp corporation. They go to an abandoned space station to make the deal.
After getting his advances shot down by Fran, a pissed off Rick goes to the pod and shoots it open to see what's inside, freeing Charlie and two newborn pissed off Krites. The Krites attack, one going for his hand, the other jumping into his mouth and trying to burrow its way through him.
After this Charlie and the space crew team up to take on the Critters. Also there's a bio-lab on the station that is being used for bio-engineered weaponary. The Krites find it and begin manufacturing a little army of baby Krites.
Before I started this marathon, a friend told me that CRITTERS 4 would be the worst of them all. Honestly, CRITTERS 3 was much worse. There are things in this I really liked. I'm not saying this is a good movie, it really isn't. But there were things that kept me way more entertained than CRITTERS 3.
First of all, Brad Dourif, I could watch him read a car stereo installation manual and be entertained.
The fact that they were trying to use Krites as bio-engineered weapons was a great idea.
The movie comes across as mostly an ALIEN rip-off, but they manage to, pay homage, and spoof other sci-fi movies like STAR WARS. At one point Charlie and Ethan fall into a garbage chute and land in a trash contanment unit. The walls are not about to close in, but they need to make an escape before being jettisoned into space.
Also, there's a HAL-9000 type computer on the station that the characters realize they have to use reverse psychology on to make work. It's kind of funny the first few times, then it really starts getting old.
Also, unlike CRITTERS 3, this has at least one half-ass decent Krite kill.
And then there's the ending. This movie has a "twist" ending that will really piss off hardcore fans of the CRITTERS franchise. (Are there hardcore CRITTER fans? Are there CRITTER Conventions? Krite Kons?) If this ending were to happen to an ongoing franchise today, city blocks would blackout from the onslaught of nerds rushing to their computers to rage.
I'm not going to spoil it. I also really didn't like it. It wasn't much of a surprise, since they telegraphed it from the start. It didn't have an emotional payoff, and it screwed a good character just for the sake of a "twist" ending.
CRITTERS 4 isn't a good movie, but it has more going for it than CRITTERS 3. I was warned that this was the worst of the series, but I really don't think so. Just very different than the rest of the series. There's not much "humor." There aren't any children in this one. (Thank God.) And the Krites probably have the least amount of screen time than any other film in the series.
Even though they failed, it's admirable they shook things up and tried a different direction.
KRITE BODY COUNT: Five. HUMANS KILLING HUMANS: Two.
CRITTERS: BOUNTY HUNTER (2014)
Thoughts before watching: This is non-canon. This is a fan film.
I know, I know, fan films can be cringey as fuck. There are some good ones though. BATMAN: DEAD END for example. If you're a fan of horror and you haven't seen BATMAN: DEAD END leave right now and go watch it.
I'm a little more optimistic on this than I probably would be about a STAR WARS fan film. Anyone who would make a CRITTERS fan film has to have a bizarre passion for these films that most people don't really care about. I admire that. I hope I don't have to rip this thing apart and laugh at it.
Clocking in at under seven minutes long I'm not going to be doing a lengthy review here.
Hell yes. I'd be really excited for the next CRITTERS films if these guys were at the helm and using this tone.
This is more of a filmmaker showcase than a short film. But it is a really good one. There's true love for the CRITTERS franchise shown here. I loved the new bounty hunter head. Plenty of easter eggs, the G-sweeps, Terrance Mann on the television, and the return of Power of the Night.
Much better than CRITTERS 3 and 4, I would love to see this as a feature.
CRITTERS: A NEW BINGE (2019)
Thoughts before watching: This was a web series made by Warners that sat on a shelf for several years until it was picked up by Shudder. Eight episodes with a runtime of ten minutes.
In space, the Krite President (now the Krites are a highly evolved race), orders a team of Krites to Earth to find and rescue one of their kin left behind from a previous mission. Their soon pursued by a bounty hunter ship, that they quickly shoot down.
The bounty hunters crash land in the Australian Outback and take the guise of a couple of locals.
The Krites land in an unspecified American town, and begin searching for their missing comrade.
Meanwhile, outcast high-schooler Christopher is living with his slutty Mom, and eccentric Uncle (Gilbert Gottfried). Due to his constant eating his friend Charlie (a different one), enters him in a hot dog eating contest. There's also a girl, Dana, a vegetarian that works at a local animal shelter, that he has a hopeless crush on and is trying to win over. Soon, Christopher and the Krites cross paths and he learns some dark secrets of his past.
The series has a "twist" towards the end that is just incredibly stupid. Which pretty much matches the rest of the series.
Everything looks really cheap. The scenes with the Bounty Hunters in the Australian Outback, are just the actors standing in front of a green screen with the backgrounds superimposed behind them. The CGI is low budget 90's bad. The practical effects are one of the show's only highlights. At least they look like a little bit of care was put into them. The Krites did look a bit off, probably dur to the Chiodo Brothers not being involved.
I have no problem with dumb and cheap, as long as it's fun. But everytime something fun begins to happen, they muck it all up with something lame and groan worthy. For instance: the school Principal is played by Thomas Lennon, (RENO 911, MTV's THE STATE). At one point he's assimilated by a Bounty Hunter. So Thomas Lennon fights a group of Critters, which could have been fun. He tosses a cafeteria tray at a Krite standing on a table wearing a trenchcoat and shades. The Krite, leans backwards as the tray flies over it in slow motion, parodying the bullet scene in THE MATRIX. Didn't we get tired of everyone parodying that in the early 2000's? Also, there's a lame AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR reference that must've been added right before release.
Worse than CRITTERS 3 by a mile. This seems like bad fan fiction.
KRITE BODY COUNT: Seven on screen. Multiple Krite kills offscreen during massive Critter carnage. One death by natural causes. Multiple dog deaths.
CRITTERS ATTACK! (2019)
Thoughts before watching: SyFy bought the rights to the CRITTERS franchise, and this is the first of what they hope will be a series of films. I'm a little curious about this since they also bought the rights to KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE, and plan on doing the same thing with that franchise.
Dee Wallace returns to the series, I love Dee Wallace but, her character being the only one returning seems odd. Don Opper or Scott Grimes would've made more sense. Hell, even Leonardo Dicaprio's character returning would've made more sense. (Although the chances of that happening are the same as me shooting a Fabrege egg out of my ass.)
Alright, I was wrong. I thought this would be a continuation of the original CRITTERS quadrilogy. That would've been nice, but nope. This is actually a reboot. Dee Wallace plays a new character.
After her Mom's death Drea and her little brother, Phillip live with their Uncle Louis, who happens to be the Sheriff of their unspecified town. Drea is trying to get into the local college her Mother also attended, but has been rejected.
Phillip is an alien enthusiast, while watching the night sky he notices two ships landing. He tries to tell people, but everyone's tired of his alien bullshit.
One of the ships belong to the Krites. They immediatly begin eating people, and reproducing. They no longer lay eggs. This time they use their victim's half-eaten corpses to host their offspring. Which was kind of cool, and provided some grisly effects.
Drea delivers some sushi to the college of her dreams, and talks to an old high school friend who's now enrolled there. Her friend hooks her up with a professor, who is also on the admissions board looking for someone to babysit her kids. She reluctantly takes the number and soon her and Phillip are babysitting the kids. They take them to the park and find an injured, friendly, white Krite. They take it home and nurse it's wounds, and become friends with it, and name her Bianca. It's a Mowgwai Critter.
I hate it.
Soon, the Krites begin attacking Drea and the kids, trying to get to the Mowgwai Critter.
I'll talk about a few positive things about this first. I like the way the Krites were handled in this. They were vicious, and animalistic. Aside from a couple of quick moments, they didn't have any humorous moments. This is the first CRITTERS movie where they didn't speak and have their language subtitled.
There's also a surprisingly good amount of gore. And the effects work is really good, well almost, the Mowgwai Critter looks like it belongs in a different movie, a late 80's low budget E.T. rip-off.
That brings me to the negative, every human character in this is boring. Not only that, but they have incredibly long scenes of pointless dialog. This movie suffers when the humans on screen aren't being eaten by furballs.
There are a couple of interesting characters the movie does nothing with, a sushi chef that has a prized set of Ginsu knives, when the CRITTERS ATTACK, he runs out with his prized knives to slice and dice Krites. After his first kill the movie cuts away from him, and he's never shown again. Dee Wallace plays a mysterious cat lady with a Krite tracking system in her house. Her backstory is never explained, and she's barely in the movie. I think they're hoping we will be so intrigued by this character, we'll be clamoring for a sequel.
If Drea, the kids, and Bianca the Mogwai Critter are in it, no thanks.
KRITE BODY COUNT: eleven. More possible offscreen deaths during Krite mayhem. One dog fatality.
TOTAL KRITE KILLS: Thirty two. And possibly the highest number of animal casualties in any movie franchise.
RANKINGS FROM BEST TO WORST:
1. CRITTERS 2: THE MAIN COURSE
2. CRITTERS
3. CRITTERS: BOUNTY HUNTER
4. CRITTERS ATTACK!
5. CRITTERS 4
6. CRITTERS 3
7. CRITTERS: A NEW BINGE
Some might get mad I put CRITTERS 2 above CRITTERS, sue me, I felt it was the most entertaining and imaginative. If someone were to put a gun to my head and make me watch a CRITTERS movie, I would pick CRITTERS 2. (At this moment, it would take a gun to my head to make me watch another CRITTERS movie.)
I included the fan film because it's actually better than most of the features, and it's only fair since I included CRITTERS: A NEW BINGE which is a bad fan film.
I switched CRITTERS 4 and CRITTERS ATTACK!'s around several times before deciding I liked the Krite mayhem in CRITTERS ATTACK! more than anything in CRITTERS 4.
One last thing, here's an ad that I remember from Fangoria magazine back in the day. I wish I would've actually bought one of these.
Mahalo pardners,
Tex Hula
