Merrick here...
Between this and POSEIDON, Massa's not having a very good week. Well, there's always X-MEN. Oh, wait...
Here's Massawyrm...
Hola all. Massawyrm here.
You know, I’ve been sitting here for six hours wrestling with this review. Seriously. Six hours. There’s just something about it that wasn’t sitting right with me. I tried the funny approach and the funny just wasn’t coming. I was too pissed. So I tried the bullet point approach, only to find that there’s so much wrong with this movie that it was leading to one of my infamously long, self-indulgent 3000 word reviews. And not even my closest friends were gonna stick around for 3000 words on this crapper if I couldn’t be funny about it. What was it that was bothering me about this film? Why couldn’t I focus? I mean, bad movies are my stock and trade around here – I’m like the Geek Secret Service, mindlessly jumping in front of any bullet that comes my way. What was so different about this film?
Oh yeah, it’s fucking evil. No seriously. EVIL. Probably one of the most insidious, underhanded, reckless films shat out of the Hollywood poop shoot in ages, this film manages to push all of my buttons at once. And no, I’m not overreacting. The film’s bad, but not unbelievably terrible. It’s just evil, dreamt up in the mind of some Talent Agency/Studio hack that in my mind’s eye is twirling a thick black mustache while counting a big pile of money they’ll be reaping in from this pathetic attempt at cross marketing. You see, I don’t mind bad movies. I don’t particularly like them (unless they’re so bad they’re funny), but it’s rare that a bad movie makes me this angry. But one thing that will get me pissing vinegar, the one thing that gets my ire up like no other, is when they fuck with the kids. And one need only look at the poster to know who this film is marketed towards. Thirteen-year-old girls. And some asshole fuckwag, sitting in an office somewhere said “Hey! Why just sell them on a movie…when we can sell them on so much more?”
You see, Just My Luck isn’t so much a film as it is an hour and a half infomercial for the British pop-punk band McFly hosted by a tabloid queen whose days are officially numbered. And yet, that’s only the beginning of the taint that creeps off of every frame of this film. Because when they’re not busy finding every opportunity they can to get McFly into frame (while playing the first 20 seconds of the same fucking song over and over again) they’re telling a story. And that story - as thin, ill conceived and poorly executed as it is – has a message. And that Message is “Hey girls, if you’re pretty enough and lucky enough, you have zero need for a personality, hobbies, intelligence or talent. Guys will like you, everything will be done and simply work out for you. Only the ugly girls have to work for things. And those girls live a sad life with their cats.” And while there is a sad, pathetic truth to this concept, it’s certainly not one we should advertise or glorify. Especially to little girls.
Ashley Albright (Lindsey Lohan) is lucky. Insanely lucky. She’s the pretty girl who never needs an umbrella because it stops raining the minute she steps outside. It’s clear right from the get go that this girl has never had to work for anything a day in her life. Everything just lands in her lap. As a result she never bothered to learn a god damned thing about real life. When she kisses a masked stranger at a party (Chris Pine) - a guy with a heart of gold but who is tremendously unlucky and lives a terrible life - their luck swaps. All of a sudden, Ashley’s life goes to the shitter. She loses her job, her apartment, everything she owns, and is forced to live with her two less fortunate friends (whose only defining character traits are that they constantly glow about how lucky Ashley is and how much they wish they were her. And, oh yeah, they live in a closet sized apartment, can’t get dates and have to share a cat.)
Now here’s where the movie gets really kooky. Somewhere along the line, the writers begin to confuse being unlucky with being a complete and utter dumbass. Ashley isn’t just unlucky, she’s functionally retarded. She does things like accidentally pours too much detergent into a washing machine, then to avoid embarrassment pretends that she didn’t and turns the machine on anyway. (Does anyone smell the old and exceedingly unfunny “Too much suds pouring out of the washing machine” gag coming? I sure do.) For the rest of the film, everything that happens to her is pretty much actually her own fault.
Now so far, this doesn’t sound too bad. In fact, it could be pretty great in the right hands. After all, this could be the perfect launching point for a full on frontal assault against the “stupid girl” mentality rampant in our culture today. But does Ashley actually learn anything from her ordeal? Does she realize just how empty and shallow her previous life was? Does she actually discover that she’s good at something and that through hard work and self-confidence she can have everything she had before, only better because she earned it herself? Does she find joy in the simple pleasures of friends, family and achievement? Nope. Not a fucking bit of it. Instead her life becomes total shit, and no matter how much she tries, it never gets any better. So she sets out to get her luck back.
Enter the romance angle. This is where they really fail to recover the ball, because the movie never, ever, ever gives us a single reason why these two like each other. Except that Lindsey Lohan is pretty. Really. With her utter lack of personality sticking out like a sore thumb, and Chris Pine’s Jake recognizing her rampant stupidity at every turn, he falls in love with her anyway. Now Chris Pine actually makes something of this role. Despite being virtually one note (He’s unlucky with a heart of gold…aaaaaand…that’s it) he manages to use his natural charisma to endear us to him. He’s still a dumbass at times (at least when he’s unlucky – but again, that’s more from the screenwriters confusion over the difference between luck and stupidity than it is his character), but ultimately becomes likeable. And yet, he falls in love with Lohan anyway. Why? Because the two best looking people in a film always gravitate towards one another. Aside from that I have no explanation. The only thing they have in common is streaks of bad luck, but Lohan gives us nothing - no wit, no charisma, not even the hint of something they both enjoy and can bond over. He thinks she’s hot. So he falls in love. (Although it’s worth noting that despite meeting her at a masquerade ball - in which she is the only one without a mask - and thinking she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever met, he never manages to put together that Lucky Lohan and Unlucky Lohan are the same girl.)
Ultimately Lohan discovers the mystery man’s identity, steals her luck back and watches his life turn to total shit. Only then does she have any sort of realization – but it ends up being one of pity, because, you know, it’s not easy not being one of the beautiful people. This leads to a big luck exchange “I love you, you have it/No I love YOU, you have it” involving them both deciding to give it away…so they can live unlucky lives together…because the luckiest thing in the world is to be hooked up so you can have someone to take care of you.
Now again, like the opening premise, this isn’t a truly terrible ending. Had there been the aforementioned realizations about life and achievement then this ending would have been a nice way to cap off the story. But as Pine only seems to be into Lohan because of her looks, and she never does a single thing for herself, the message is pretty fucking clear.
Does anyone escape this film unscathed? Only a few people I’m afraid – and even those people have this as a blemish scarring their resume.
Director Donald Petrie? Nope. Chalk this up to another in a long series of absolutely terrible, yet marketable films. What this guy excels at is picking out a specific demographic, then making a film that is ungodly terrible by almost every standard available, but manages to bulls eye his target audience and makes them laugh…while everyone else looks around in jaw dropping wonder. I mean, really, it’s a fucking gift. It’s why he still gets gigs. Hasn’t made a movie even remotely good or widely accepted since Grumpy Old Men…but he occasionally makes money. Welcome to Mooseport, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, My Favorite Martian, The Associate, Richie Rich. Cinematic crimes, one and all. In fact, the only remotely watchable film he’s made since Grumpy Old Men is Miss Congeniality, but that’s not even close to warranting an exoneration. With Just My Luck he does it again. Thirteen-year-old girls will laugh and probably like it, but no one else will. And oh yeah, for the love of GOD man, stop using those stupid twinkley-happy-piano scores. That shit was tired in the 80’s.
How about Tabloid favorite Lindsey Lohan? Nope. This is her death knell picture, the signal of her potential, and almost inevitable demise. Let’s face it – she ain’t cute anymore. Back when she was Disney’s adorable, dimpled little redhead, her style of acting really worked for her. But now that she’s become the vapid trendy-girl poster child, this film accentuates her total lack of range and her inability to solidly deliver and sell a line. As one note as she’s always been, her having outgrown her charisma really stands out here. And as the script doesn’t help her out one bit, the role entirely demands charisma. Here there’s absolutely nothing to like about her. Unless she’s got some undiscovered font of talent that she’s been saving for a really great script, I give her two or three more movies before her star has faded and she’s banished to direct-to-video hell. Maybe she’ll luck out and find a TV series that allows her to play the same character for several years. You know, like her movie career.
Faizon Love? Sigh. Faizon, man. What gives? You always shine in terrible movies. You were the best part of Torque, hell the only good part of Torque. Here, most of your dialog involves you using the phrase “Poo-Poo.” More than once. Call Favs right now. Seriously. Right now. Get in on this Iron Man thing. If only Iron Man had a fast talking, black sidekick. Wait, I think he doeeeees. I assure you it will not involve the word Poo-Poo.
What about this band McFly? Well, ultimately the movie is really about them, despite the fact that they barely get a line of dialog. Their name is EVERYWHERE in this film, from the opening credits “And Introducing MCFLY”, to a door absolutely inexplicably covered with their stickers, to the outside of a club they play, to the front of the Hard Rock Café, to their name in lights above every place they set up their amps. And despite the fact that they actually have a complete album out there, they are forced to play the first 20 seconds of the same song at least 10 times in the first hour. Only in the last half hour do they get to play a bit of another song. And that one we only have to hear like three times. No. I’m not exaggerating. There’s even a line of dialog comparing them to the mother fucking Beatles. I shit you not. Now, these kids aren’t bad. I’m not gonna knock their music because A) it’s listen-able and B) I actually, absolutely, know fuckall about music. Seriously, I have “Yummy Yummy Yummy I’ve got Love in my Tummy” by the Ohio Express on my MP3 player, so I’ve got zero leverage to take a shot at these kids (but all my Brit friends and readers, please, feel free. I’m sure you’ve heard plenty of these guys if they’re jumping the pond with this kind of budget behind them to promote them.) The thing about it is that the 4 or 5 minutes this movie devotes to them NOT playing music is actually not bad stuff. These kids come off pretty well (much better than most musicians fare, even under the watchful eyes of great directors. Anyone remember all that stilted dialog delivered by Pearl Jam in Singles?) But despite that fact, it doesn’t stop them from being “Captain Geech and the Shrimp Shack Shooters”, so while they don’t come off bad, they’re certainly gonna have a hard time living this down.
So who does survive? Chris Pine, for the reasons I mentioned before. To come off as likable as he does in a film this bad shows he may have what it takes. Say what you will about Donald Petrie – the guy has a knack for discovering young talent. He gave important roles to young actors like Brad Pitt (The Favor) and Julia Roberts (Mystic Pizza), so Pine is worth keeping an eye on. He’ll work again at the very least. And the only other person who manages to shine here is Bree Turner – one of the “ugly girl” best friends. Now another of Donald Petrie’s trademarks is his overuse of the “Best friends as sounding boards and nothing else” cliché. Most of his best friend characters are practically invisible. Here Bree Turner manages to take a character so thin you could wrap things with it, and actually stands out – being far more likable, beautiful and enchanting than Lohan ever is. Despite having seen a half dozen of her films, this is the first time I walked out asking “Who the hell was that? I want to see more of her.” Leave it to a bad movie to allow you to really shine.
Shit. Almost 2500 words and there’s still so much more I hate about this movie. Fuck it. You more than get the point. Dads? How much do you love your daughters? If you REALLY love her, you will take her ice-skating or horseback riding this weekend. If you just wanna buy her love however, you will take her to this and get what you deserve.
Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em. I know I will.
Massawyrm
Insert text Here, numbnuts
