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Massawyrm Thinks JUST MY LUCK Is "Insidious, Underhanded, And Reckless"!!
SPOILER ALERT !!
Between this and POSEIDON, Massa's not having a very good week. Well, there's always X-MEN. Oh, wait...
Here's Massawyrm...
Hola all. Massawyrm here.
You know, I’ve been sitting here for six hours wrestling with this review. Seriously. Six hours. There’s just something about it that wasn’t sitting right with me. I tried the funny approach and the funny just wasn’t coming. I was too pissed. So I tried the bullet point approach, only to find that there’s so much wrong with this movie that it was leading to one of my infamously long, self-indulgent 3000 word reviews. And not even my closest friends were gonna stick around for 3000 words on this crapper if I couldn’t be funny about it. What was it that was bothering me about this film? Why couldn’t I focus? I mean, bad movies are my stock and trade around here – I’m like the Geek Secret Service, mindlessly jumping in front of any bullet that comes my way. What was so different about this film?
Oh yeah, it’s fucking evil. No seriously. EVIL. Probably one of the most insidious, underhanded, reckless films shat out of the Hollywood poop shoot in ages, this film manages to push all of my buttons at once. And no, I’m not overreacting. The film’s bad, but not unbelievably terrible. It’s just evil, dreamt up in the mind of some Talent Agency/Studio hack that in my mind’s eye is twirling a thick black mustache while counting a big pile of money they’ll be reaping in from this pathetic attempt at cross marketing. You see, I don’t mind bad movies. I don’t particularly like them (unless they’re so bad they’re funny), but it’s rare that a bad movie makes me this angry. But one thing that will get me pissing vinegar, the one thing that gets my ire up like no other, is when they fuck with the kids. And one need only look at the poster to know who this film is marketed towards. Thirteen-year-old girls. And some asshole fuckwag, sitting in an office somewhere said “Hey! Why just sell them on a movie…when we can sell them on so much more?”
You see, Just My Luck isn’t so much a film as it is an hour and a half infomercial for the British pop-punk band McFly hosted by a tabloid queen whose days are officially numbered. And yet, that’s only the beginning of the taint that creeps off of every frame of this film. Because when they’re not busy finding every opportunity they can to get McFly into frame (while playing the first 20 seconds of the same fucking song over and over again) they’re telling a story. And that story - as thin, ill conceived and poorly executed as it is – has a message. And that Message is “Hey girls, if you’re pretty enough and lucky enough, you have zero need for a personality, hobbies, intelligence or talent. Guys will like you, everything will be done and simply work out for you. Only the ugly girls have to work for things. And those girls live a sad life with their cats.” And while there is a sad, pathetic truth to this concept, it’s certainly not one we should advertise or glorify. Especially to little girls.
Ashley Albright (Lindsey Lohan) is lucky. Insanely lucky. She’s the pretty girl who never needs an umbrella because it stops raining the minute she steps outside. It’s clear right from the get go that this girl has never had to work for anything a day in her life. Everything just lands in her lap. As a result she never bothered to learn a god damned thing about real life. When she kisses a masked stranger at a party (Chris Pine) - a guy with a heart of gold but who is tremendously unlucky and lives a terrible life - their luck swaps. All of a sudden, Ashley’s life goes to the shitter. She loses her job, her apartment, everything she owns, and is forced to live with her two less fortunate friends (whose only defining character traits are that they constantly glow about how lucky Ashley is and how much they wish they were her. And, oh yeah, they live in a closet sized apartment, can’t get dates and have to share a cat.)
Now here’s where the movie gets really kooky. Somewhere along the line, the writers begin to confuse being unlucky with being a complete and utter dumbass. Ashley isn’t just unlucky, she’s functionally retarded. She does things like accidentally pours too much detergent into a washing machine, then to avoid embarrassment pretends that she didn’t and turns the machine on anyway. (Does anyone smell the old and exceedingly unfunny “Too much suds pouring out of the washing machine” gag coming? I sure do.) For the rest of the film, everything that happens to her is pretty much actually her own fault.
Now so far, this doesn’t sound too bad. In fact, it could be pretty great in the right hands. After all, this could be the perfect launching point for a full on frontal assault against the “stupid girl” mentality rampant in our culture today. But does Ashley actually learn anything from her ordeal? Does she realize just how empty and shallow her previous life was? Does she actually discover that she’s good at something and that through hard work and self-confidence she can have everything she had before, only better because she earned it herself? Does she find joy in the simple pleasures of friends, family and achievement? Nope. Not a fucking bit of it. Instead her life becomes total shit, and no matter how much she tries, it never gets any better. So she sets out to get her luck back.
Enter the romance angle. This is where they really fail to recover the ball, because the movie never, ever, ever gives us a single reason why these two like each other. Except that Lindsey Lohan is pretty. Really. With her utter lack of personality sticking out like a sore thumb, and Chris Pine’s Jake recognizing her rampant stupidity at every turn, he falls in love with her anyway. Now Chris Pine actually makes something of this role. Despite being virtually one note (He’s unlucky with a heart of gold…aaaaaand…that’s it) he manages to use his natural charisma to endear us to him. He’s still a dumbass at times (at least when he’s unlucky – but again, that’s more from the screenwriters confusion over the difference between luck and stupidity than it is his character), but ultimately becomes likeable. And yet, he falls in love with Lohan anyway. Why? Because the two best looking people in a film always gravitate towards one another. Aside from that I have no explanation. The only thing they have in common is streaks of bad luck, but Lohan gives us nothing - no wit, no charisma, not even the hint of something they both enjoy and can bond over. He thinks she’s hot. So he falls in love. (Although it’s worth noting that despite meeting her at a masquerade ball - in which she is the only one without a mask - and thinking she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever met, he never manages to put together that Lucky Lohan and Unlucky Lohan are the same girl.)
Ultimately Lohan discovers the mystery man’s identity, steals her luck back and watches his life turn to total shit. Only then does she have any sort of realization – but it ends up being one of pity, because, you know, it’s not easy not being one of the beautiful people. This leads to a big luck exchange “I love you, you have it/No I love YOU, you have it” involving them both deciding to give it away…so they can live unlucky lives together…because the luckiest thing in the world is to be hooked up so you can have someone to take care of you.
Now again, like the opening premise, this isn’t a truly terrible ending. Had there been the aforementioned realizations about life and achievement then this ending would have been a nice way to cap off the story. But as Pine only seems to be into Lohan because of her looks, and she never does a single thing for herself, the message is pretty fucking clear.
Does anyone escape this film unscathed? Only a few people I’m afraid – and even those people have this as a blemish scarring their resume.
Director Donald Petrie? Nope. Chalk this up to another in a long series of absolutely terrible, yet marketable films. What this guy excels at is picking out a specific demographic, then making a film that is ungodly terrible by almost every standard available, but manages to bulls eye his target audience and makes them laugh…while everyone else looks around in jaw dropping wonder. I mean, really, it’s a fucking gift. It’s why he still gets gigs. Hasn’t made a movie even remotely good or widely accepted since Grumpy Old Men…but he occasionally makes money. Welcome to Mooseport, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, My Favorite Martian, The Associate, Richie Rich. Cinematic crimes, one and all. In fact, the only remotely watchable film he’s made since Grumpy Old Men is Miss Congeniality, but that’s not even close to warranting an exoneration. With Just My Luck he does it again. Thirteen-year-old girls will laugh and probably like it, but no one else will. And oh yeah, for the love of GOD man, stop using those stupid twinkley-happy-piano scores. That shit was tired in the 80’s.
How about Tabloid favorite Lindsey Lohan? Nope. This is her death knell picture, the signal of her potential, and almost inevitable demise. Let’s face it – she ain’t cute anymore. Back when she was Disney’s adorable, dimpled little redhead, her style of acting really worked for her. But now that she’s become the vapid trendy-girl poster child, this film accentuates her total lack of range and her inability to solidly deliver and sell a line. As one note as she’s always been, her having outgrown her charisma really stands out here. And as the script doesn’t help her out one bit, the role entirely demands charisma. Here there’s absolutely nothing to like about her. Unless she’s got some undiscovered font of talent that she’s been saving for a really great script, I give her two or three more movies before her star has faded and she’s banished to direct-to-video hell. Maybe she’ll luck out and find a TV series that allows her to play the same character for several years. You know, like her movie career.
Faizon Love? Sigh. Faizon, man. What gives? You always shine in terrible movies. You were the best part of Torque, hell the only good part of Torque. Here, most of your dialog involves you using the phrase “Poo-Poo.” More than once. Call Favs right now. Seriously. Right now. Get in on this Iron Man thing. If only Iron Man had a fast talking, black sidekick. Wait, I think he doeeeees. I assure you it will not involve the word Poo-Poo.
What about this band McFly? Well, ultimately the movie is really about them, despite the fact that they barely get a line of dialog. Their name is EVERYWHERE in this film, from the opening credits “And Introducing MCFLY”, to a door absolutely inexplicably covered with their stickers, to the outside of a club they play, to the front of the Hard Rock Café, to their name in lights above every place they set up their amps. And despite the fact that they actually have a complete album out there, they are forced to play the first 20 seconds of the same song at least 10 times in the first hour. Only in the last half hour do they get to play a bit of another song. And that one we only have to hear like three times. No. I’m not exaggerating. There’s even a line of dialog comparing them to the mother fucking Beatles. I shit you not. Now, these kids aren’t bad. I’m not gonna knock their music because A) it’s listen-able and B) I actually, absolutely, know fuckall about music. Seriously, I have “Yummy Yummy Yummy I’ve got Love in my Tummy” by the Ohio Express on my MP3 player, so I’ve got zero leverage to take a shot at these kids (but all my Brit friends and readers, please, feel free. I’m sure you’ve heard plenty of these guys if they’re jumping the pond with this kind of budget behind them to promote them.) The thing about it is that the 4 or 5 minutes this movie devotes to them NOT playing music is actually not bad stuff. These kids come off pretty well (much better than most musicians fare, even under the watchful eyes of great directors. Anyone remember all that stilted dialog delivered by Pearl Jam in Singles?) But despite that fact, it doesn’t stop them from being “Captain Geech and the Shrimp Shack Shooters”, so while they don’t come off bad, they’re certainly gonna have a hard time living this down.
So who does survive? Chris Pine, for the reasons I mentioned before. To come off as likable as he does in a film this bad shows he may have what it takes. Say what you will about Donald Petrie – the guy has a knack for discovering young talent. He gave important roles to young actors like Brad Pitt (The Favor) and Julia Roberts (Mystic Pizza), so Pine is worth keeping an eye on. He’ll work again at the very least. And the only other person who manages to shine here is Bree Turner – one of the “ugly girl” best friends. Now another of Donald Petrie’s trademarks is his overuse of the “Best friends as sounding boards and nothing else” cliché. Most of his best friend characters are practically invisible. Here Bree Turner manages to take a character so thin you could wrap things with it, and actually stands out – being far more likable, beautiful and enchanting than Lohan ever is. Despite having seen a half dozen of her films, this is the first time I walked out asking “Who the hell was that? I want to see more of her.” Leave it to a bad movie to allow you to really shine.
Shit. Almost 2500 words and there’s still so much more I hate about this movie. Fuck it. You more than get the point. Dads? How much do you love your daughters? If you REALLY love her, you will take her ice-skating or horseback riding this weekend. If you just wanna buy her love however, you will take her to this and get what you deserve.
Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em. I know I will.
Massawyrm
Insert text Here, numbnuts
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Ummm, so why did you go see it? Are you telling us something?!?
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that includes our political candidates.... anyway, stop comparing people to the Beatles. Arctic Monkeys? call Oasis (if their phone bill is paid) and ask them to reserve some room in obscurity for you.
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Are just one of those identikit boy bands put together for, shock, 13yr old girls to like until their peers tell them to enjoy something else. But their gimmick is, wait for it....this is cool...they play their own instruments!...*sigh* Never heard of this film, will never see it. And McFly will be replaced next month by The New Flavour, so calm down dude and let them have their 15mins.
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Hey girls, if you
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I left the UK over a year ago and I had already seen way too much of their pathetic boy band meets Green Day shite. Girls will buy anything won't they? I don't know why we even bother with them... oh yeah, Boobies.
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ANY movie preview that shows a main character banging into a glass door to "comic effect" tints my vision red with anger. Didn't another one of her movies have the same hilarious situation in the preview? Terrible.
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And I've been looking forward to this film all year.
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And what's wrong with marketing to 13 year old girls? I market myself to them every day. *silence*....too far?
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My wife is over forty (not telling how much) and loves the backstreet boys and any band that sounds like them (which means EVERY pop band since they all sound alike). I've been forced to deal with this since NKOTB. Imagine this: listening to some classic aerosmith, elvis, cash, Fleetwood Mac, AcDc, Simon and Garfunkel, G n' R, Nirvana, Pearl jam, STP, velvet revolver, darkness, etc. BUT EVERY OTHER FUCKING SONG MUST BE BACKSTREET FUCKING BOYS IN HEAVY FUCKING ROTATION!!! sorry, I had to get that out of my system.
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Girls are lucky they have boobies and cleaning abilities otherwise we could get rid of them altogether! JK ;-)
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Nah, I can't killer her. What can I say, I love her too much. I agree, it does help that my wife has certain...assets. It doesnt hurt that she runs 20 miles a week and takes my breath away every time she puts on a dress, or takes it off, either.
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you mean cos she'd beat you down! Awww, love on a Wednesday morning. Peace.
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And the answer to your question is, YES!
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...Jessica Simpson, Nicole Ritchie and Paris Hilton...chopped them up into pieces and placed there parts in a wood chipper in Fargo, ND. ...and I came back home a hero...that is how much I had all those bitches.
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oh... right... nevermind
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Tell them the fucking truth. Most of them will end up living a crappy housing with three brats eating up what could have been a decent life while society treats you like a farm animal. Luck has nothing to do with it.
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I think the Digital Bits already listed a release date of August 12th for this film. When a movie, such as this one, is announced for DVD release before it hits theaters, you know something stinks to high heaven. Then again, there were the ads to confirm that. Lohan better put back on a little bit of weight and start losing the clothes if she wants to keep what she calls a "career" alive.
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Well, its probably not really anorexia. Her diet consists mostly of cocaine, so its no surprise that she's skinny as a stick. She used to be cuter, so I think I'd only fuck her in the ass for a little longer because by her next movie she's going to be even skankier. Its sad and pathetic that we live in a culture that worships vapid little twats like her, Paris Hilton, et al. And lets not get started on everyone's favorite cock-loving Scientologist...
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in the trailer. I think it gave me cancer. They should put a warning label on it. (shudder).
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My friend got me that for a gag gift one year (a $1 DVD), and I'm still debating on whether I should kill him, forgive him, or make him watch it. Unfortunately, this film you speak of sounds even worse, as it doesn't even have Bela in it. I do believe that the end is nigh.
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What is interesting is how so many people in this TB declare their hatred for Lindsay Lohan, while simultaneously stating their desire to bang her brains out. Personally, I prefer to have relations with the girl I actually love...
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dear mcfly, rooney, fall out boy, harry and the potters and whomever else it may concern: referencing something cool in your band name does not make you cool. you dont need a cool band name to be cool. the beatles even admitted that their band name was shitty. bob dylan named himself after a fucking poet, not because he wanted to capitalize on the tens of dylan thomas fans out there, but because it was meaningful to him. would dave matthews band still be selling out concerts after 15 years if they named themselves "max power and the salacious krums"? alright thats my rant.
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if he had be born "Mortimer Dipthong?"
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Bringing up something that happened in another TB. But, Moondoggy, what was with the Mexican gag in the Knight Rider TB? It just seemed a bit of a wierd (dumb/offensive) tangent. Was it a mistake? Just wondering.
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I just got it on an email in my dept. mail box and thought I'd share it. I posted it with some colleagues of mine and we have all been laughing at it all day. Like an idiot, I forgot to post the header to the joke, which is "Be warned, the following virus has been created in response to and protest of Us anti-immagration legislation." Its a bit funnier with that heading and even more offensive ;) I blame myself for the confusion.
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Oh, that's fine then.
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Although it would have been humorous if I werent such a dumbass when I posted half the joke. Oh well...
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in the knight rider talkback.
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It's good to read the reviews of someone with an actual conscience. I also write reviews for a website and I constantly get lambasted by my editor for judging films not only on merit but content as well. Well I'm sorry, if I find a movie morally depraved and I think my readers will too, then I think I owe them to tell them. Good job Massawyrm. You're starting to be my favorite reviewer on this site.
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They're just a bunch of harmless identikit pop-punk kids who are probably cursing the day the Arctic Monkeys went to number one in the uk and pretty much rendered them obsolete quicker than they anticipated. Still if this film gets them a couple more minutes of fame, there's nothing wrong with that...let 'em have it.
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Not a lot of...girls...on the internets this morning...
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and now I find that they're back, this time annoying the fook out of Americans instead of me. Well for that at least I'm thankful. What annoys me the most about them though - despite the fact they have been assembled, I can only assume, by an evil German paedophile in a disused cunt-making factory - is that they somehow claim credibility, because they play their own instruments. They look down upon their "lesser" boy band contemporaries who only "sing" on their efforts. They say things like "well the Beatles were a boy band really". In a way this makes them even more insidious than actual no nonsense happy to admit it pure pop boy bands. Because they invoke the memory of genuinely good music and try and co-opt it's genius. They play guitar-pop designed for little girls but try to dress and act like they're "punk". They are pure shite. I hoped they had disappeared forever. Oh well. At least Lindsay Lohan is fit as fook.
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along with Mean Girls, a movie that could have been so much smarter, with so much more about redemption. I HATE Mean Girls, whose message seemed to say that being mean is not only cool, it will get you everywhere you want to be, and you don't even have to feel bad about it. WTF is up with Lindsey Lohan or her agent? Isn't there enough of this kind of F**cked up reality for kids to deal with, without glamorizing it with humor, cool music, or young stars that kids look up to? I agree with Massa, it really sucks when movies specifically marketed toward kids push all the wrong values at them at the same time. Kids movies don't have to be preachy, or unrealistically perky, but they should have an ounce of intelligence and be good entertainment. Frankly I'd prefer to let my kid see just about anything than what is generally marketed to kids her age.
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Seriously. The user comments for the movie all give it the maximum number of stars, talk about how deep the movie is, and one even compares Lindsay to Audrey Hepburn. Wait...a thirteen year old who knows who Audrey Hepburn is? More like a 35 year old marketing exec pretending to be 13 and generate positive buzz for this turd.
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Lohan *is* like Audrey Hepburn! They must weigh about the same. Unfortunately that is where any similarities end :-P
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In 13 going on 30. Slapstick can only be pulled off by talented actors. And Lohan can't fucking act. She also gets credit for other people's good work. "Freaky Friday" was good because of Jamie Lee Curtis. "Mean Girls" was good because of Rachel McAdams (Who by the way went from "The Hot Chick" to almost A List out of nowhere.) McAdams deserves all the credit and praise (and the 7.5 million dollar pay day that this coke whore got for acting like a dizzy bitch.) She made Red Eye an enjoyable film, she was also great in The Notebook and was very good in her supporting role in The Family Stone. Fuck Lohan. I wish she would pull an Alicia Silverstone and disappear already.
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And DO NOT want to fuck her. She must look like dog shit naked. They spackle so much make-up on that whore to cover her freckles it's insane. She also has a really flabby body for a skinny girl. WTF? Bitch never heard of squats or doing exercise to give you a nice full shape? You look at sexy women like Jessica Biel and you at Lindsay Lohan. No contest. Big tits don't make you hot if you aint got a nice ass.
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Loved the reference, Massa. Surprised no one else has mentioned it. That film is still an all time favorite of mine!
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That Mr. Hanks hasn't directed another film is a sore spot for me. I must have watched that films dozens upon dozens of times. Easily one of the best PG rated films of the 90's. And one of my all time faves.
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are just Busted wannabes. It's a shame they never had a movie like this to launch themselves stateside. They were so punk they didn't even have a drummer.
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Seriously, I love movies like this, mission impossible 3, and RV cause I fucking don't watch them! I never have to waste my damn money on crap like this. I've noticed that ever since movies have gone down the toilet, and that reality TV shows rule the earth I never watch broadcast or cable, never have to pay 11 bucks in the theatre, never have to watch asinine Television ads. And it's totally worth it. Imagine if there were movies like Dr. Strangelove or other shows like 24 every other week. Man, my social life would be ruined. Now, I get to eat right, play my favorite video games, go to Radiohead concerts and excercise and fuck hot chicks all the time. Thanks bad Movies!
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It just begged to be said. Anyway, maybe this piece of dung will be the end for this overhyped witch. When will the rest of the world realize what an untalented shrew this woman is? Oh, yeah, never, because there will always be some desperate, morally bankrupt loser guy who will think she's hot, and will recall her "glory days", when she actually had a figure, while he's flogging his bishop. Lindsay Lohan is a waste of DNA and protoplasm, and this film sounds like a blatant misuse of celluloid.
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Not really, but they're not as awful as a lot of british pop. The drummer Harry is gorgeous. What? If all the boys can drool over Lindsay "crack bitch" Lohan I can admire Mcfly. I'm so glad indie music is so popular in the UK at the moment though, Artic Monkey's, Dirty Pretty things, Hard fi,Babyshambles, Razorlight and the Kaiser Chiefs are elbowing teeny boppers like Mcfly and Son of Dork (insert Sideshow Bob shudder)out. As for Lohan, Mean girls was awsome however she's showing a shocking lack of ambition and range what with Herbie and this. How is she on the cover of W next to Meryl Streep? It's a shame as I thought she had a lot of potential a couple of years ago, before she started looking like a coke fiend. This film sounds inane, with a tacky, shallow message to boot. Yay!
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Lohan is in Altman's "A Prarrie Home Companion." He is a great actor's director.
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A mini-series on John Adams. It appears that he perfers to direct for TV.
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Just remember that Altman also directed Tara Reid once upon a time. And while they may not be in the same car together, Reid and Lohan are certainly driving down the same road.
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That's, like, SO TRUE! (oops, sorry) The dreadful tsunami of turd-culture that has swept across our lives has washed me out of the pop-cultural loop altogether. I don't watch TV anymore because, guess what? It's HURTS to watch TV. It's not just boring; it makes my eyes burn and my throat close up.
And you can see the bad movies coming from miles away, like the colossal, rusting and spiked war machines of an evil culture creeping across a blackened warfield; 'Look, it's the forces of darkness (Martin Laurence Action-Comedy)! Flee, FLEE FOR YOUR LIVES AND SANITY!!'
hank you for being obvious, Evil, it's so much better than when you came wreathed in smiles. -
and I'm starting a jazz trio I think I'll call 'Abe Frohman".
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I barely remember the plot or any of the jokes, but it seemed to subside me in the hotel room where I ordered it
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I just don't understand how people can defend ANY aspect of that film. It's like pancake stack of cliches, one layered right on top of the other. The dialogue alone is enough to give someone a cerebral hemorrhage...
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how the hell you can call any of those bands "indie" is beyond me. The cool thing in music right now seems to be merely ripping off Gang of Four (Arctic Monkeys, Franz Ferdinand, Kaiser Chiefs, etc...) and/or Joy Division (espeically Interpol). Do yourself a favor and check out the real deal, and other bands like Orange Juice, Liliput, the Comsat Angels, and The The.
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and i shouldn't have to worry about admitting it.
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Thanks for the shout out to "That Thing You Do." Fucking funny movie. Unlike this tripe. Will L.L. just od and die already??? I am so sick to death of her.
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I like to point it out when it happens around here. Congrats!
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Indie music dorks. Name dropping left and right, it's never pretty. We get it, you listen to much cooler music than the rest of us. Bands we've never heard of, even! They must be good. Now shut the fuck up and let me get back to crying over the dissolution of Faith No More.
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not really -_-
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To post to a past review...
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