Hey folks, Harry here with Massawyrm's "cute" review of POSEIDON. Frankly, I don't believe the film deserves a tongue in cheek lashing with snide observances. At the same time, I don't believe I can muster the energy to properly destroy this waste of talent from top to bottom. Just like its title, POSIEDON is missing 2/3rds of the story. When I heard that Wolfgang was cutting the pre-disaster character development, in lieu of allowing the audience and the characters to discover each other through their actions and interactions... I was intrigued. Problem is -- there really are no interactions beyond a few high fives and "hurry ups". Seems most like to think of the original THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE as some cheeky affair, but it is an absolute model of how to make a great disaster film with a large ensemble cast. Same with TITANIC. Because when the shit hits the fan - you need to care beyond some cosmetic involvement with these characters. Personally, I wasn't even blown away by the Wave scene. It just doesn't work. Again - who are these people? It is just 90 minutes - but my nephew thought it was a LONG movie - and this is a kid that commonly watching two and a half hour movies - without wanting to leave the room. Here he wanted to just go play in the arcade, cuz the film was a bore... and I agreed. None of the characters are worthy of being a pimple on the ass of the orignals. Massawyrm tries to make this out like its TITANIC with the boring parts cut out. Not hardly. 1) None of the action in this is on par with TITANIC. 2) None of the character development is in place and they actually found a singer 45 times worse than Celine Dion. It feels truncated and uninvolving. Skip it.
Hola all. Massawyrm here. Well, summer blockbuster season is upon us, and what kind of summer would it be without a disaster film waiting in the wings to cash in on some big bucks? This time around, we have the remake of the classic action/adventure film “The Poseidon Adventure” simply labeled Poseidon. Now for those unfamiliar with the original, let me sum it up for you. Imagine Titanic, sans the first two boring romantic hours and the flashback diamond in the water ending. That’s it. We open with a brief introduction to the characters followed almost immediately with the best parts of Titanic – the boat sinking, exploding and killing most everyone onboard. The rest of the film is about a small ragtag group of passengers who try desperately to get off of the boat as quickly as possible. What’s so amazing about it, however, is that Wolfgang Peterson (who never met a disaster at sea script he didn’t like) actually has set out to redefine the genre – by merging the action/adventure/disaster film with a wholly educational experience teaching you everything you ever needed to know about surviving a disaster at sea. Here’s what I learned:
1) In the event of an emergency do not, I repeat, do not heed the advice of the captain or person of authority nearest you. They will only get you killed. They clearly have no clue what to do under dangerous circumstances of any kind, and while willing to die for their profession, are only eager to do so if they can take as many people with them as possible.
2) Once you have avoided the advice of the aforementioned authority figure, seek out the nearest adventurous white person you can find. They’ll know what to do. Little Known Fun Fact: White men are actually given special classes in disaster training (usually during high school), and should always be trusted in these matters.
3) It is important that you buffer out your group with people that will force you to travel as slow as possible. Traveling too fast is dangerous. Always travel with more than you think you should. Women with small children are great for this, as are the already injured and the drunkest passengers you can find.
4) The trip out of danger is an extremely perilous one, and as a result, many of your group will die. It is important to include as ethnically diverse a party as possible to ensure the survival of any or all white passengers. (see rules number six and 10 for special Richard Dryfuss rules.) Little Known Fun Fact: Minorities possess special magnetic properties that draw the nearest dangerous implement of death towards them. The thicker the accent, the stronger the attraction. They are also friendly, eager to please and, understanding their special properties, are always willing to “Take on for the team.”
5) If you are a white male planning on surviving the trek through disaster it is important to secure guaranteed poon for the long wait for rescuers. If you are single, this is most easily accomplished by locating the nearest single MILF and rescuing her child as often as possible – no matter how rarely the kid deserves it.
6) Never, ever, leave a minority alone with Richard Dryfuss. It will only end badly.
7) No matter how strong, intelligent or liberated a woman is, in a disaster she will always be reduced to a helpless blubbering mass of tears. It is important that you save them as often as possible (see rules 3 and 5.)
8) Single fathers in the group with daughters secretly engaged to guys they don’t approve of will always choose to “Armageddon Out.” Just let them go, as they will somehow find a way to go anyway.
9) For the sake of speeding things up, it is important to have a single person in the group that can carry the burden of having more pathos than anyone else. This will serve to make everyone else’s problems seem trivial and allows you to only have to yell at one person for the entirety of the trip. Asthmatic, Autistic, Folk Singer Sudanese refugees or Overweight, Dyslexic, Pedophilic Social Misfits work best, but a Suicidal Gay Jewish Architect will work in a pinch.
10) Seriously. I can not stress this enough. Never, ever, leave a minority alone with Richard Dryfuss.
If these rules are too complex, just remember this simple rhyme: When in doubt, follow the white men out.
Having somehow missed “White Male Cruise Ship Disaster Day”, I found this film extremely enlightening. However, it’s important to note that I am fully trained in the event of the following: Fire, Flood, Imminent Asteroid Collision, Failure of the Earth’s Core to rotate, Pissed Off Nature Attacks and Zombiegeddon. If I am available at the time of the crisis, I am more than willing to be the “Adventurous White Male” needed for your survival. MILFs always welcome. In the event of a Plane Crash however, seek out the highly trained Harry Knowles, who you’ll be able to find easily as he will be the man giggling at the fact that he’s just slipped his copy of Airport ’77 into his laptop and cranked the volume. In lieu of either of us, seek out your nearest highly trained AICN representative, as they will be more than willing to help. Especially if you’re cute, unmarried and have a kid.
But really, how’s the movie? Loud, dumb and fun. It’s Armageddon without the fucking Asteroid…or plot. Honestly, that’s the film. Finicky filmgoers are going to sneer at it and spit the name Poseidon like it was poison. John Q. Popcorn, however, is just gonna love the thing. Poseidon doesn’t stop to catch its breath for a single minute once it gets rolling and is a non stop series of explosions, flooding compartments and death scenes that on occasion get downright gruesome. And to be perfectly honest, I loved it. I thought it was light hearted fun with a few truly inspired moments (both action set pieces and character driven comedy) – but I cannot for a second ignore the unending series of fatal flaws that I detailed above in my “Rules for Surviving Poseidon.” There’s simply no apologizing for this movie.
Every character is a stereotype or a classic archetype. Beyond that, you’re not getting a single word out of them. We’re thrown the occasional nugget of information, but not a single bit of it is of the least importance once the ship starts to go down. There’s Kurt Russell (bad ass), Josh Lucas (bad ass with an attitude), Matt Dillon (drunk ass), Richard Dryfuss (gay ass), Mike Vogol (punk ass), Emmy Rossum (hot ass), Jacinda Barrett (MILF ass), Jimmy Bennett (young ass dumb ass), Mia Maestro (latin ass) and Freddy Rodriguez (greedy ass.) That’s all you need to know, right? Well, that’s what Wolfgang Peterson seems to think, so that’s all you get.
Let me present to you the MAGICAL POSEIDON LITMUS TEST(tm) – I’m going to say a phrase and I want you to respond with your first and most immediate reaction. Ready? “I really liked Armageddon.” If you responded “Hey, you know, I really liked Armageddon, too” or have ever in your life uttered the phrase “You know, sometimes I just want to turn my brain off and enjoy a fun movie” then Poseidon is exactly what you’re looking for this weekend. You’re going to have all sorts of fun cheering on the characters and watching them get into and out of narrow escape after narrow escape, while leaving a trail of (mostly brown) bodies in their wake. It’s funny, exciting and guilty pleasure fun that you’ll probably (secretly) enjoy again and again. However, if you felt an immediate, strong, negative physical reaction to that phrase or have ever uttered the phrase “No, I don’t want to have to turn my fucking brain off to watch a movie” then Poseidon is DEFINITELY NOT FOR YOU. Seriously, don’t even attend a movie showing in a theatre next to one screening it. It will send off vibes that will cause immediate illness and you might possibly require medical attention. This film will become the bane of your existence this year, and after it makes serious box office, vastly eclipsing your indie film of choice, you will forget entirely about Basic Instinct 2 and RV and proclaim this the worst movie of the year. But it’s not. It’s just not your thing.
There’s really not a lot to this movie and that fact is going to divide audiences (and talkbackers alike) for months to come. Stupid, giddy adventure movie fun. For those that like that sort of thing.
Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em. I know I will.
Massawyrm
While I await Wolfgang's e-mail explaining what he intended, why don't you speculate here on what my follow up review to this will be ;)
