Remakes are a touchy subjects among film nerds – particularly horror fans, since that genre tends to be the one that comes under the gaze of the industry machine the most frequently. There are few titles that haven’t at least suffered discussion of undergoing a remake treatment, and as last year’s ROSEMARY’S BABY television adaptation demonstrated, nothing is sacred.
Personally, I take them on a case by case basis. Even though I may love a particular film and will groan and cry with the masses whenever a new adaptation is announced, there can be value in seeing a new creative team take the wheel and deliver their version of a beloved story. Films can be updated for a new generation, spun in a new way to make them relevant to the modern era, or simply see the story go in a new direction. And if they suck monkey balls (looking at you, THE FOG remake), they disappear from public consciousness and we don't really have to talk about them anymore.
That being said, Eli Roth’s 2002 CABIN FEVER seemed like an odd choice from the get-go. It’s not terribly old, it has become something of a modern classic in its own right – it had a theatrical run and was found by many fans on DVD in the years that followed. Personally, it remains one of my favorite Roth films. It’s tense, it’s funny, it’s disgusting, it has a crazy kid screaming about pancakes and doing martial arts – hard to beat, really. It still feels very contemporary when you watch it, so when a new version was announced, it seemed more unnecessary than even the usual slew of reboots. Especially since director Travis Zariwny would be working from the original script and Roth would stay on board as producer.
If, by chance, you are unfamiliar, the film follows a group of friends to a remote cabin for a getaway, where they fall victim to a horrific flesh-eating disease that begins to dissolve them one by one. It's a great mix of suspense, gruesome moments and humor, and remains an entertaining watch to this day (even though "this day" really isn't that terribly long after the initial release).
So what does this new version bring to the table?
Absolutely fucking nothing.
It's exactly the same, only bad. Same exact plot. Same exact characters. None of the jokes. Same lines (minus the funny ones). Weak makeup and poor effects. There are a few occasional additions and omissions, but they are all overshadowed by a sense of deja vu so profound that you feel like the Matrix must have crashed completely.
If you are a fan of the original CABIN FEVER, this one takes everything you loved about it and throws it into the trash. And then sets it on fire. If there is one thing this film does demonstrate, it's that it takes more than a script and a camera to make a film that resonates with its audience. Even with the same plot, characters and dialogue, this movie is nowhere near the level of its predecessor.
It's really more like the Medford Community Players Production of Eli Roth's CABIN FEVER. Amateur across the board. The cast has no charisma whatsoever. Every scene lands with a thud. Everyone involved just seems to be going through the motions. And it is devoid of style. The build and tension are non-existent. There is nothing shocking. Even leaving aside the fact that we already know every twist and turn, there is not enough buildup internally to make any of the key moments mean anything. Nothing hits.
There is no fucking point to it.
The only way this waste of a film has a chance of flying is if we later learn that it was secretly some sort of commentary on the state of remake culture within the film community, and the necessity of original storytelling. Performance art of the absurd. Because outside of that or Eli Roth's puppy being kidnapped and allowing this film to be made was the ransom, I cannot fathom just what the fucking point of this exercise could possibly be. It's not even good or interesting for a curiosity watch. Nothing even remotely of interest is brought to the table here. It is hands down the most pointless remake yet, resulting in a terrible film and a complete waste of time.
