"I don't give a shit where the stuff I loves comes from; I just love the stuff I love." — Patton Oswalt
People (and I'll include critics in that broad category) love to complain about remakes and reboots and re-imaginings of their favorite films series, and for every shitty, unnecessary redo, you can usually find one that doesn't hurt as much to watch and might even be considered very watchable. But the trend that has eaten away at me from under the skin outward is this incessant need to take a well-established (perhaps even beloved) tale from films, books, plays, wherever and craft a new story about what happened just before all the good stuff happened. Some might call these origin stories, and I guess that's what they are, but not always. Whatever the framework, the practice almost never succeeds at adding any value to the rich story originally told.
In so many instances, revealing the origins of an iconic character(s)—whether it's Leatherface from THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE or the alien from ALIEN or, in this case, Peter Pan—strips the first telling of most of its magic and intrigue. Leaving questions and details unexplored in author J.M. Barrie's “Peter Pan” makes it seem like Peter has just always been a boy—he's perpetually a kid, and that's wonderful in so many ways. But in Jason Fuchs' adaptation PAN, directed by Joe Wright (ATONEMENT, HANNA, ANNA KARENINA), we're forced endure a glum origin story that goes from Peter's mother (Amanda Seyfried) leaving her infant at the doorstep of an orphanage to be tortured by the nuns who run the place, to many of the orphans (including Peter, played by Levi Miller) getting kidnapped by sky pirates who fly their vessels above the clouds on the way to Neverland, which looks a lot like the pit mine set at the opening of MAD MAX: FURY ROAD, where stolen children are put to work looking for fairy dust.
The pirates are led by Blackbeard (Hugh Jackman), who is vicious and in his third year of acting-to-the-back-row school. (Drinking game: every time Jackman extends his arms in the classic rock star Jesus Christ pose, take a shot—you'll be dead before the second hour starts.) Blackbeard wants the dust because it keeps him young. Also groveling and digging in the mud and stone for dust are a young adventurer named James Hook (Garrett Hedlund from TRON: LEGACY and INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS) and a young Sam Smiegel (Adeel Akhtar), both of whom are basically good guys and eager to help Peter when he's framed for trying to steal fairy dust and sentenced to die. But when Blackbeard pushes him off a high plank to certain death, Peter suddenly discovers he can fly; he just can't control when he flies.
It turns out that an ancient prophecy says that the tribe that lives in the jungle outside of Blackbird's Neverland property will be saved by a flying boy (what a coinkydink), which scares the pirate since he's heard that there's a secret fairy hiding place housing an unlimited supply of dust that he very much would like to plunder. Peter and his pals escape and run into Tiger Lily (Rooney Mara), who is no longer a "native" princess, but more of generic ethnicity. As the film goes on, pieces appear to fall into place in Peter's life (aka, they set up the real Peter Pan story). He finds out what happened to his mother and why she left him, who is father is, and the secret location of the fairly hideout. Even why he is called Peter Pan is explaining in the most mind-alteringly dull way possible.
There are references to crocodiles, mermaids, we even get a glimpse of Tinkerbell, and most of these inserts are largely free of anything imaginative or interesting. The thought of turning Hook into an Indiana Jones type (complete with the hat) with the voice of Tom Waits borders on ludicrous. The best thing one can say about PAN is that young Levi Miller is convincing as a child, and Mara looks a goth girl but wearing lots of color, who I totally would have tried to date in college. The most terrifying element of the story is that it ends with Hook and Peter still friends rather than bitter enemies, implying that [deep breath] there's more of this story to tell. If you give this subpar film your money, the only thing that's going to happen is someone will make another; you have no one but yourself to blame.
