Harry on 2010's take on 1984's KARATE KID and A-TEAM...

Neither THE KARATE KID remake nor the theatrical debut of THE A-TEAM particularly suck - but they are devoid of any real impact for me. The better of the two films is THE KARATE KID - it runs at around two and a half hours, replaces the mid-twenties Ralph Macchio with an 11 year old Jaden Smith who was playing 12. That alone makes the film interesting, just cuz... well, ya know. The "Kid" is a kid. Now that kid doesn't learn Karate - he does spend one scene in front of a television trying to copy the moves of a Karate lesson on TV. But he doesn't know karate, and his mother is played to be clueless enough to not know the difference between Karate and Kung Fu... which kinda makes one wonder what she does, that the car company that she worked for - well, that they transferred her and her son to China to continue working for them. The answer never comes. And I'm fine with that, the story is about Dre Parker, this Detroit kid with a chip on his shoulder. He's at that age where he doesn't want affection from his mother, he doesn't want to be babied, but he certainly can't really take care of himself - and in addition, he's now in Beijing - unable to read or speak the native language. He develops a puppy love for Meiying, which of course is gonna piss some kid off - and you can bet that kid can kick the shit out of Dre, who tends to flail like a typical American punk with no real plan of attack. He gets his legs sweeped, he gets intensely kicked in the chest and takes a few blows to the head - all of which hurt. There's no Mr Miyagi, this time it is Mr. Han - as played by Jackie Chan. As a result - I believe the basic concept of the story this time out. I never believed Ralph could beat up a paraplegic, much less the awesome might that was embodied in the Boy-God Willaim Zabka. Here - all Jaden has to do is get super-training by Jackie Chan - and without a doubt, I believe he could whip 75% of the folks on planet Earth. Why? Because Jackie Chan is magic and I believe any child trained by Jackie Chan could defeat any child trained by anyone else. So what's my problem with the movie? First - there's the title, THE KARATE KID, which btw - for the international release is THE KUNG FU KID, but apparently that was too radical a concept for the American masses to apparently understand. This is, of course, retarded. Of course this movie should be called THE KUNG FU KID - and while critics would still draw comparisons back and forth between THE KARATE KID and THE KUNG FU KID - one of the complaints would be gone... because... ya know, for a KARATE KID movie, this fucking kid knows jack & shit about KARATE. Kung Fu? By the end of the film, he's got that shit down pat. The problem with the film is simply... though the fighting and training is more believable, for me - there's not a single iconic moment in the film. You will not have kids imitating any real Kung Fu in this - because it is still a bit abstract. Also... for a film being marketed to the WHOLE FAMILY - you should know if you have little ones - that there's a lot of subtitles (it does take place in China) - and the kids at my screening and their parents were talking pretty much through everything - with the only section that truly held the kids' attention being the Tournament at the end of the film. Jackie and Jaden are pretty great together - but it isn't nearly as cool as Pat Morita and Ralph Macchio. For one, Jackie - while being a master, doesn't project that. That's just simply not one of the things that Jackie projects. Two, the writing and direction are never as sharp as in the original. The training, not as quotable or enjoyable. The romance, feels awkward instead of feeling right in the original. But the setting in Beijing is vastly superior. The film is enjoyable, but ultimately the constant repetition of scenes and locations just stretch the running time, but it doesn't feel long, not on first viewing, but I bet on second viewing, you'll begin to grow weary of the 3 separate visits to the bad guys' training area. Or the 30 minutes of putting on the jacket. It is a decent bit of entertainment, just not great - and that's basically because of the original film. Had they simply took the premise and completely made it their own. Dumped the cute nods to the original - and the slavish devotion to the structure - so that you are constantly aware of what's next... and had they MADE: THE KUNG FU KID - I bet it would be amazing. Sadly, there is too much of KARATE KID in THE KUNG FU KID - never allowing the film to really be its own thing, though it painfully wants to be. Jaden and Jackie make a helluva team - and there are some good emotional moments, I just never could love it all. Which is a shame, because the 2Js are worth loving in it. THEN THERE IS: THE A-TEAM by Joe Carnahan. The film is essentially a feature length adaptation of the opening credits of THE A-TEAM. Why was B.A. afraid of flying? You'll find out. How did the team come together? Well, frankly, it's a pretty half-assed story. What did they do to become hunted by the military? Their duty. Who is the bad guy? Actually a character that was really protecting the best interests of the United States, while The A-Team caused millions upon millions of dollars in property damage - to basically fight the U.S.A. It is an odd story. Doesn't make the characters particularly heroic. They're only out for themselves in this, as opposed to the way they were in the show, when they were helping those that couldn't help themselves. As a result, I don't have a lot of sympathy for these very dangerous children. Also... the story just wasn't that compelling. It kept making me think about why Harrison Ford's FUGITIVE was so much better. One, the original FUGITIVE was a great show. A-TEAM was a better Lunch Pail. The actors are uniformly fun - the most forgettable was Liam Neeson - who seemed boxed in by his character. Bradley Cooper could have been much better, had he had a real romantic involvement instead of the very badly written character that Jessica Biel plays. Sharlto Copley is the most interesting. He's, of course, playing Murdock - and he plays him with more pure manic insanity than Murdock ever really had in the show. But that's just cuz Sharlto rules. Then there's Quinton 'Rampage' Jackson as B.A. Baracus - the most iconic character from the original show - and Quinton did a fantastic job. There's a higher degree of nuance with his character than Mr T ever had to play with on the show. The action is absurd - and rather than the kind of action that has you going, "OH SHIT, OH SHIT, OH SHIT," and grabbing the theater armrest with white knuckles - it's that sill shit that makes you smirk or dismiss it as all being CG bunk. Here it is like they crossed MISSION IMPOSSIBLE with A-TEAM... and it has many of the same kinds of problems that have plagued the MISSION IMPOSSIBLE film series. The characters are TYPES, instead of human beings. They're cartoons, rather than characters. There's not an honest MOMENT in the whole thing... But there's fun to be had. The action is over edited and frankly unbelievable. The best work in the film belongs to Patrick Wilson's CIA agent LYNCH. I was more interested in him, than any other character in the film. The realization that came to me while I was watching this was something that Drew once wrote on AICN. Fans sometimes think they want to see a big movie version of something they loved... but when presented with it, it just bored me. This is the least ALIVE film from Joe Carnahan, who is so much better than the material he has here - or the 80 cuts a minute editing that much of this film suffers from. This never seemed to have an ambition to be anything particularly larger than the TV SHOW. Sure, the effects are crazy by Digital Domain - but they just didn't communicate threat, fear, exhilaration, danger, etc. I actually came home and put in one of the original shows and found more pure enjoyment from one of those than from this very expensive upsizing. It is bigger, but it is still just McDonald's. Trash entertainment at best. Very disposable. This summer continues to disappoint. I kept thinking while watching A-TEAM... I'd prefer to see Michael Mann's take on this, but I wouldn't want to see him waste his time on it. Ya know? This is as good of an A-TEAM film as you could hope for, it just isn't what I'd like to see Carnahan doing. (KILLING PABLO) There was no raping of childhoods here. Instead, they're moderately entertaining retreads of the least bits of my childhood. And that's just sad all around.