Hi, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab...
By now, many of you are already back from the midnight shows, and more of you are getting ready to hit the theater tomorrow. What better way could there be to celebrate than with a review by our very own Neill Cumpston?
Here Comes Batman
I need to get a “holy shit” key put on my computer that I can hit when I see a movie like HERE COMES BATMAN. Basically, this movie rounds up the last four BATMAN movies, chain-whips them, and then kicks their balls into a sissy-forest.
Plus, there’s a whole new origin for Batman, one that doesn’t include neon in the shape of the word ‘GAY’. Imagine a two-hour prison pounding done with the lights out and part of the room on fire, with Katie Holmes in the middle of it, and you’ll start to get the idea.
Everyone important from the Batman comics is played by someone British – Batman is the AMERICAN PSYCHO guy, Policeman Gordon is Sid Vicious, Something Foreign Name Bad Guy is Liam Neeson (he was in some black and white Spielberg movie which won a prize which = I will never see it) and the Scarecrow is the dude from 28 DAYS LATER. But they’ve been dubbed by American actors so they don’t sound faggy. Michael Caine is Alfred Butler, but he speaks all British ‘cuz that’s the only way you can be a butler. There’s also a mob boss played by the British dude from IN THE BEDROOM, but I heard that in that movie he was also dubbed in American. Also, Morgan Fucking Freeman is the dude who builds all of Batman’s cool stuff, but he talks like Morgan Freeman. Oh, also the dude who played the android in BLADE RUNNER is in it, and Morgan has this cool scene at the end where he hands him his ass and tells him to fuck off.
Katie Holmes is so hot she could turn Tom Cruise straight.
Fights: Liam Neeson and Batman out on the ice (before he’s got the Batman costume); a bunch of ninjas beating the ass-fat off Bruce Wayne; then Bruce Wayne refuses to kill this dude and become a Ninja or something – I forgot the particulars of that, because he totally burns down the ninja hideout and runs away; Batman beating the shit out of all these criminal dudes down at the docks (he’s scary like the monster in ALIEN in these scenes) plus a bunch of other scenes including one with a bunch of bats and a train fight that’s like if you could have a boner made out of punching.
Another cool thing: you never see Batman full-on, just standing around in his costume. Little parts of it, not all at once, which makes him look even more bad-ass. Full-on guys in costumes look like rollerskating on Planet Gay.
This looks like an awesome start to a shitload of good Batman films. I think there should be one where he tracks down George Clooney Batman and beats him up with his ice skates. Also, if they’re going to bring Robin into any future ones, he should be played by Boobs Out Carla Gugino from SIN CITY.
Short but sweet. I’m going to check it out on IMAX this weekend, after I see some other stuff. Can’t wait to hang out with my buddies afterwards...
"Moriarty" out.
