Well Afro-Geeks and Geekettes its time for your weekly dose of Africa-AICN, that magical natural elixer conjured up by our very own Dr. SOTHA, his able assistant Rigobert Song, and their well endowed staff of fetching nurses. Yeah, this is ol' Father Geek posting the cure-all remedy to all that ails you this weekend. So dim the lights, lean back, relax, and prepare for a helpful visit from the world's number one doctor of cinema-toecyst aggravateus...

Not that I'm a big supporter of using lobsters as part of my hydrotherapy stratagem on middle aged truck drivers. But you tell me where they sell giant tweezers these days? DR.SOTHA here working on mutating (sorry, slip of the tongue) that's replacing reflexive bone tissue with lobster cutter. Yeah I know, 'what happened to the incisor' is your response. Well let's just say there's a truck driver with a sharp mind on the loose.

Send me your driver's DNA strands to Africaaicn@hotmail.com and I guarantee you results (positive and negative you just say which.)

Nurse, hitchhiking is not a career option.

SOUTH AFRICA

* Organizers of the Cannes Film Market said during the American Film Market on Thursday that they have added three pavilions to the international village for this year's Cannes International Film Festival. The market organizers have added pavilions for the Export Union for German Cinema, the Hong Kong Trade Development Council and Sithengi for SOUTH AFRICA. The three pavilion newcomers will join several existing national exhibitors, including the American, British and Italian pavilions, Europe's Media Program and France's Centre National du Cinema.

* "Mama Africa", the seminal short film series written and directed by six women of Africa, premiered to a packed auditorium (of which DR.SOTHA was a part of) at the 30th International Film Festival Rotterdam on 29 January 2001. Each of the three screenings were sold out. The Canal+ Audience Award confirmed the audience.s enthusiasm for the series. In the awards, Mama Africa ranked 21st out of a festival of over 250 international films. Series Executive Producer Simon Bright was ecstatic about Mama Africa's reception: "The positive feedback showed that all the hard work on everybody's part had paid off - that what we did was worthwhile, and was appreciated, not only on our own continent, but by an international audience. "Mama Africa" has already received excellent responses from all over the world." The very next week it was well received at the Goteborg Film Festival. Four of the films . Riches, "Uno's World, An Evening in July", and "A Close Up on Bintou" were screened at the main Cinema, Draken, in front of a packed audience of 300. Bright's trip to Europe also sowed up the rights to pay-TV in Africa. A two year six screenings deal was signed with Canal+ Horizon to its Francophone African subscribers. The deal extends Mama Africa's reception into the Francophone region. Mama Africa was previously sold only to the Anglophone region through its co-production partnership with Africa.s largest pay-TV station, M-Net.

* A senior delegation of South African film and television producers and officials from Government agencies are in Los Angeles this week for a session of intensive meetings with Hollywood executives. The project, which is an annual joint venture between Katrina Wood's Los-Angeles-based MediaXchange, and South African entertainment industry marketer Dezi Rvrich, will run during the American Film Market and will follow the AFCI Locations Expo. The timing may bode well for South Africa, which offers an enticing, alternative location, and 'strike free sanctuary' as Hollywood continues protracted negotiations with the WGA and SAG to avoid a potential strike. The South African delegation includes producer Philip Key of Moonlighting, David Wicht of Film Afrika, Desiree Markgraaff of Bomb Shelter, Eddie Mbalo representing the National Film & Video Foundation (NFVF), and Firdoze Bulbulia representing the Gauteng Film Office. Also represented in the group is The Victoria Junction, Cape Town's premiere hotel destination in the entertainment industry.

* For the first time in the history of the Australian Film Festival Tropfest, an international film has made the finals. Chosen from 580 entries, Capetonian Eddie Edward's film "Beep!" has made the final 16. Cape Town-based Big World Cinema produced the film. Tropfest, the world.s largest short film festival, is to be held on 25 February in Sydney, Australia. Every year Tropfest has a signature item, a short word which encompasses the theme of that year.s entries and which must be dealt with in some manner by each film. This year's theme is "horn". "Beep!" is a mini-documentary about Cape Town.s first car-horn symphony. Conducted by artist Jane Rademeyer, and featuring about 12 cars of all makes and sizes, Beep! tells the story of the auditions, rehearsals and performance of this innovative and musically challenging event.

* And now a look at our hot current releases at the box office (This is what we call sarcasm in South Africa - DR.SOTHA) It says much of Ben Affleck and Gwyneth Paltrow's box office power that their latest offering, "Bounce", has gone to the number 2 spot in its first week of release on the South African circuit. Helen Hunt and Mel Gibson still hold fort at the top of the box office in "What Women Want." The other three films that make up this week's top five are (in ascending order) "Unbreakable", "Meet The Parents" (Have you seen this one yet world? - DR.SOTHA) and the UK dance drama, "Billy Elliott."

NORTH AFRICA

* It's time to do something really phenomenal.hand you over to Rigobert Song:

Hello readers. Well it's a continuation from last weeks column. I promised you six different television pieces from Africa, and here's the next one.

GOING UP

This English-style sit-com draws together a "cross section" of the new South Africa in a law office where the focus of attention seems to be women's breasts and double entendres about them. The white senior partner is loveably befuddled, the black junior partner raffish, while the "Coloured" secretary is gamely learning to speak South Sotho. This episode features a fast-talking African American film producer/ huckster who has returned to the "mother continent," bodacious starlet in tow, to produce "Revenge of the African Vampires II" to help his "African brothers." Simultaneously, a glamorous South African actress shows up to sue him for seducing her on the casting couch (and giving the part to his American bimbo). Meanwhile, a neighborhood committee arrives to see how they can force the American producer to pay them for permission to shoot on their block. It is not the smart lawyers, however, but Jabu, the clear headed office gofer, who, in the process of serving tea to each group, resolves these disputes to the advantage of the South Africans. Any class or racial antagonisms are resolved because the audience sees that the powerful characters are foolish and the poor characters the sharp manipulators. As a pilot episode you can't help but get swept away by the energy and comedic timing of this 30 minute sitcom. Actually, it sort of mimics the long axed Jay Mohr sitcom 'Action' in tone and stylistic design. Ofcourse, being set in South Africa limits the self-referential quips and film within a film subtext. Still, as a piece of African television, it stands as a commendable and successful hybrid of Hollywood and cultural mechanisms. I pray this finds video distribution, if it's picked up for more than one season. However, it is extremely doubtful. E-mail me at rigobertsong@hotmail.com and we can talk African cinema.

* The 5th Human Rights Watch International Film Festival (HRWIFF) to be held in London from 30 March to 5 April promises to deliver a diverting line-up of thought-provoking, sometimes controversial, and occasionally funny documentary and feature films which deal with human rights issues across the globe. The opening night film at the Ritzy Cinema will be Spike Lee's "Bamboozled" - a no holds barred look at how African-Americans are represented behind and on the screen within the US TV networks. Outreach Co-ordinator John Badenhorst (former administrator of the M-Net All Africa Film Awards) says that children will have a strong voice in this year's festival with the award-winning films "Children Underground" and "Behind Closed Doors." The festival is scheduled to close with the first-ever screening of "Ken Fero" and Tariq Mehmood's film "We Remember", which documents the long fight for justice by the families of the late Shiji Lapite, Brian Douglas, Ibrahima Sey and Joy Gardner; who all died in police custody.

AFRICAN AMERICAN

* As reported earlier by AICN: 20th Century Fox has joined forces with Bill Cosby to bring his small-screen animated character Fat Albert to life on the big screen in a live-action comedy feature to be produced by John Davis. The project could go before the cameras early next year. Based on the lead character in the long-running CBS Saturday morning children's cartoon show "Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids," the feature version will blend some cartoon elements and will be based on a screenplay written by Cosby and Charles Kipps. A first draft of the script is expected to be delivered to the studio in two or three weeks. Fox is eyeing "Fat Albert" as a potential franchise and is planning the first installment as a tent pole release. Cosby's deal is well into the seven figures. The movie version and the "Fat Albert" television series are based on Cosby's 1960s stand-up comedy monologues about his childhood, centering on a group of urban adolescents growing up in a Philadelphia neighborhood. The television series included the daily life lessons learned by Albert and his friends Rudy, Mushmouth, Dumb Donald, Bill, Old Weird Harold and Russell. Cosby hosted the show and supplied his voice for several of the characters, including Fat Albert, Bill and Mushmouth

(This news practically reduces me to tears, you want nostalgia Fat Albert's where its at - DR.SOTHA)

* Owen Wilson (I declare you king of intelligent comedy - DR.SOTHA) has inked a deal to star alongside Eddie Murphy in the Columbia Pictures comedy "I Spy" for director Betty Thomas. Shooting is not slated to start during the first quarter of this year. "I Spy" is loosely based on the NBC TV series that aired from 1965-68 and starred Bill Cosby (busy man this week) and Robert Culp. The film version, written by Marianne and Cormac Wibberly, centers on a top-secret government agent (Wilson) assigned to recover a missing jet with the help of a professional athlete (Murphy) who is pressed into service.

* Andy (Who needs Conan Obrian - DR.SOTHA) Richter has been added to the casts of Dimension Films' comedy spoof "Scary Movie 2" and comedy "The Guest." "Scary 2," directed by Keenen Ivory Wayans, spoofs supernatural thrillers "The Exorcist" and "Stigmata," among many others. Richter will play Father Kerris. "Guest" is directed by David Zucker and stars Ashton Kutcher ("Dude, Where's My Car?") as a young man with a crush on the daughter of his mean-spirited boss. When his boss asks him to house-sit, the protagonist's scheme to woo the woman of his dreams is sabotaged by a bevy of unexpected guests. Richter plays Kevin, a shady smart-ass on the lam from local drug dealers.

* DreamWorks' animated "Shrek" will be shown in a more complete form at next week's ShoWest exhibitors convention, rather than in a "work in progress" version as previously announced. The Sunshine Group Worldwide-backed ShoWest itself will sponsor the two Wednesday evening screenings at the Paris Hotel's Theatre Des Arts. "There's still some hand-drawn animation, and all the coloring's not there. But a big percentage is complete, and the story and the words are all there," said DreamWorks distribution head Jim Tharpe. Tharpe said the film would be fully completed on-schedule in April, when the studio will show the completed version to promotional partners and critics' junkets. "But we wanted to be able to show it now to our exhibitor partners," he said. "It's a movie that we're proud of." Robert Sunshine, chairman of the Sunshine Group, said the inclusion of "Shrek" "really rounds out our program and we are delighted to have them...Exhibitors have been eagerly awaiting 'Shrek.'" "Shrek," due out May 18 in North America, features the voices of Mike Myers, John Lithgow, EDDIE MURPHY and Cameron Diaz.

* Irish R&B/pop singer Samantha Mumba is making her feature film acting debut opposite Guy Pearce in the sci-fi adventure feature "Time Machine" for director Simon Wells, the great-grandson of author H.G. Wells. The DreamWorks/Warner Bros. project, a new screen adaptation of H.G. Wells' classic time-travel novel, is shooting from an adaptation by John Logan ("Gladiator," "Any Given Sunday"). The big-budget digital effects vehicle, which marks Simon Wells' live-action directing debut, is about a scientist (Pearce) who invents a time machine to travel back in time. However, he accidentally goes 800,000 years into the future and meets a species known as the elois, which includes the beautiful Mara (Mumba). Sienna Guillory also plays a love interest to Pearce's character. The cast also includes Jeremy Irons and Mark Addy ("The Full Monty").

* Comedian Steve Harvey and his wife, Mary Lee Harvey, have sold the feature comedy pitches "Uncle Ray" and "Mistaken Identity" to David Friendly and Marc Turtletaub's Deep River Prods. and Warner Bros., respectively, for Steve Harvey to star in and he and his wife to produce under their Harvey House Entertainment banner. The deals were for mid-six against seven figures, which would include producing fees. Writers have not yet been tapped to pen the scripts. "Ray" is about a single, upscale corporate executive (Harvey) whose boss asks him to take care of his kid over a long weekend. Friendly and Turtletaub will produce with the Harveys. "Identity" is about a stockbroker (Harvey) and an insurance agent -- strangers -- who are in the same court on the same day for divorce proceedings. Later that day, they crash their cars together and commiserate about their misfortunes over drinks. At the request of a beautiful woman, who mistakes them for detectives, they find themselves caught up in a chase, being followed by the mob and the police.

* Michael Jackson has barred television coverage of his address at Oxford University on March 6, Britain's Guardian newspaper reported at the beginning of the week. The newspaper indicated that even print reporters may not be allowed inside the Oxford Union debating chamber where Jackson's speech will take place. The Guardian said that Jackson is using the appearance to launch his Heal the Kids charity in the U.K.

(While we're on the subject what the fuck is happening with his turn as Edgar Poe? - DR.SOTHA)

* An episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer has been censured by the British Broadcasting Standards Commission. In a ruling announced Tuesday, the TV watchdog sided with viewers who claimed that the episode, which aired at 6:45 p.m. last October 23 "exceeded acceptable boundaries for broadcast at a time when young children could be watching." However, the BBC, which aired the show, while conceding that there was a "sexual aspect" to scenes in the episode, it "was implied rather than depicted and more comic than erotic." At the same time the BSC also ruled that it was acceptable for a black man to call the Queen a "bitch." Ruling on complaints about the use of the word by black comedian Richard Blackwood, the BSC commented that he was "using the term as it is used in rap music, to mean 'woman, ' and not as a term of abuse." Nevertheless Blackwood himself acknowledged that he was wrong to have used the word. "I should never have said it, " he remarked. "There was no need for it."

(And you Americans think you have it bad with Valenti - DR.SOTHA)

That's it, it's been fun. I'll see you cats next week.

DR.SOTHA REVO & OUT