Oh man, Harry here, and booooooy is Capone spiteful about having seen this film. MAAAaaaaaAAAAAaaaaaN.... "I've stepped in shit with more brains than this movie" - declares Capone of AINT IT COOL NEWS! That sounds like a great movie... uh huh, yeaaaaaaah, riiiiight. Well, I don't know if I wanna see this... Hmmmm.... will I see it? I don't know... People make scary bad movie.

Hey, Harry. Capone in Chicago here. I know it’s a bit early, but I’m ready to make the following announcement: ANTITRUST is the worst movie of 2001! Maybe I’m not thinking “outside the box” (a favorite phrase/cliché from the movie), but I just can’t imagine anyone producing such full-on, whole-hearted, unadulterated crap as ANTITRUST for the next 350-some-odd days left in the year. I've stepped in shit with more brains than this movie.

Have I ever mentioned how much I loathe stories where computer geeks turn into action stars (THE NET, HACKERS, and the thankfully unreleased TAKEDOWN)? Well, I do, and this film is all about making 20-something computer weens the saviors of the free world. (You think I’m exaggerating, I know; but I swear I’m not.) I’ve been more entertained and stimulated by a puppet show where the puppets just beat each other on the heads repeatedly. Scratch that, those puppet shows are way better. And the biggest disappointment about ANTITRUST is that it’s directed by Peter Howitt of SLIDING DOORS fame. What a stupendous fucking failure he’s become in the span of two films.

Perhaps even more of a let down is the mere presence of Tim Robbins in this film. What the fuck is Tim Robbins doing in this movie? Did his agent get the best hummer of his life by the casting director? Is Tim trying to kill his acting career as his work as a director gets better? Is it all of the above? Who know, but he sucks in his role as Gary Winston, a Bill Gates clone who is on the verge of inventing a revolutionary telecommunications network, but he needs the help of recent college grad Milo (Ryan Phillippe, displaying none of the quirky potential he had in THE WAY OF THE GUN). Meeting the character of Milo was the first thing that made me hate ANTITRUST. He’s got the hottest girlfriend on the planet (Claire Forlani) and he possesses the ability to fend off professional hitmen with Bruce Willis-style efficiency. Winston recruits Milo and takes him under his wing as he shows him the ins and outs of his company, N.U.R.V. (which for me stands for, Never Underestimate Robbins’ potential to suck like a Vacuum....okay, maybe that’s stretching it, but man, is he horrible here).

It isn’t long before Milo notices what no other alleged genius in the whole company seems to have noticed, which is that Winston seems to come up with code and ideas out of nowhere. Without giving away too much of the story(God forbid!), Milo figures out that Winston has surveillance on every programmer in the world who doesn’t work for him and has been stealing their ideas. (I hate when that happens.) Along Milo’s secret adventures throughout the apparently security-free campus of N.U.R.V., he gets another cutie pie (Rachael Leigh Cook) to like him. Ugh! I’ll give the movie some credit for at least explaining why all of these beautiful women seem to be falling for Milo.

ANTITRUST is a classic example of a movie that gets exponentially worse as its ludicrous and Swiss cheese-like plot continues to free fall into complete and utter nonsense. As soon as I finish writing this review, I’m going to claw my own eyes out so there’s no risk of even accidentally catching a glimpse of ANTITRUST on cable. I know I’ve got an Eye-Clawer around here somewhere. I hated this movie so much that I'm going to think from now on that everyone associated with this mess is a dick, and if you like ANTITRUST, you're a dick too.

Kisses,

Capone