Bonjour my friends, Harry here in Geek Headquarters. No sooner than my feet hit the soil in the New Jersey airport... with furious ringing, my cel phone erupted with the voice from within the Fishbowl blabbering on about "Genius this" and "Genius that". I told him that I too had just seen SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE at Cannes when he said, "No no no no no! I just read Charlie Kaufman's ADAPTATION and I think it might very well be my mostest favoritest script I have ever read!" Sensing Hyperbole, I told him to set gloves to keyboard and pound out his passion for the script so we could share... And now... I turn you over to him, while I compose a Love Sonnet to SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE!!!

Hey your Head Geekness,

Mysterio, back again with a little somethin’-somethin’ I’d like to share and champion before ho-ho-ho… Hollywood gets a chance to muck it up.

I’m a huge Charlie Kaufman fan, even before “Being John Malkovich” came out. From his early writing days on the television show “Get A Life”, to some of his earlier scripts, one in particular being “Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind” (why the hell hasn’t this been made yet is beyond me?) But the guy is flat out, hands down, one of the most daringly original and creative writing talents out there working in the field to date. So with much anticipation, I finally allotted the time to delve into a script I’ve been curious about of his for some time now, “ADAPTATION.”

I won’t bore everyone with the usual shtick, I’ll just get right down to it, so here goes. . .

* SLIGHT SPOILERS… here and there! *

(But there’s gotta be in describing this one! After all it’s Charlie Kaufman we’re talking about!)

You know how some of the rarest of gems often look much like a clod of dirt when first found? It doesn’t look like much at first, but the more you rub and clean it, the shinier and more brilliant it becomes.

This analogy, I think, best describes the latest miracle to come from the incredibly and wondrously talented Charlie Kaufman, and his identical twin brother, Donald.

As fresh and original as “Being John Malkovich” was last year, Kaufman’s latest, “ADAPTATION” is another odd whimsical breath of fresh air, in an otherwise stale market of rehashed storylines and remakes which has saturated our current state of cinema today. With “Adaptation” Kaufman pushes the envelope by intentionally challenging himself in trying to adapt an un-adaptable novel (Susan Orlean’s “The Orchid Thief”) into a working screenplay. And in the process he will attempt to break nearly every known rule of screenwriting in doing so.

Take for example, just the fact that anyone would even want to attempt to adapt Orlean’s novel into a film today, ludicrously preposterous.

I mean simply put that the novel is a dramatic work accounting the events surrounding an orchid collector named Laroche, who is out to collect orchids. Namely the rare “ghost orchid.”

See what I mean in reference to dirt. Doesn’t sound like much, does it? But wait, you see Laroche’s motives are to clone and then sell these rare orchids.

“Where’s the car chases, guns and sex?” you ask. Well, there isn’t any really. So what’s the point?

Well that’s just the point that drives Kaufman into trying his hand in adapting something, completely devoid of any and all such Hollywood clichés.

But let’s start chiseling away at this rock and find that glowing gem inside.

Laroche has also learned that this certain rare “ghost orchid” has hallucinogenic properties, which through biological cloning, he plans to exploit and make a fortune. At least he’s got a motive.

OK, it’s sounding a bit better, right?

“But do I really want to see this as a movie? I mean could it even be interesting enough to support a 2 hour movie?” you ask.

Well that’s what Charlie Kaufman wants to find out. That’s what attracts him to the project. Attempting to do the undoable to a cherished novel that many believe is “un-adaptable”.

But unfortunately after taking the assignment, he begins to realize after several false starts that he may have bitten off more than he can chew.

During the course of adapting the novel, Kaufman finds a narravtive voice in himself, which he ends up writing into the script, describing his trials and tribulations of a screenwriter trying to accomplish the nearly impossible. Kaufman speaks to us through his thoughts as his daily routine becomes more mundane which each passing day, and getting just that one day closer to meeting his deadline, which he’s already postponed once. The pressure is on.

Kaufman voices to us his displeasure with the current state of screenplays, film markets, studio pitches and screenwriting seminars, which during the course of his adaptation, his twin brother Donald tells him that he would like to follow in his footsteps and try his hand at writing a script too. But Donald’s ideas are those of Hollywood cliché, which Kaufman so detests. His criticism of a working screenwriter in Hollywood today is often times veraciously savage, but also brutally honest. It’s cynical to say the least, but as John Cusack was able to spend fifteen minutes inside John Malkovich’s head, we too get that same ride, just this time it’s inside Kaufman’s mind, which is a strangly fascinating, sometimes dull head trip depending where his current state of mind is that day.

See, the way something begins to glimmer in the sunlight, as we peel away a large crust of dirt?

During his struggles, Kaufman also takes the time to examine himself, which he so pathetically describes himself: “I am bald, I am fat, I am repulsive.” He freely admits to having difficulty meeting women, and often takes to masturbating to relieve his sexual frustrations.

But in pretty author, Susan Orlean, he finds an attraction to her, which may be more than physical. He uses professional reasons as an excuse for not meeting her in order to conceal his feelings, but no sooner than later, he flies from LA to NY on the request of his agent, to met her.

But rather than meet her in a formal manner, he follows her around the city one day as he watches her with astute interest. He takes notes, studies her eating habits, anything she does which may help him find and discover the passion that would make her write about orchids, hoping that through her, that spark would travel through him.

While in NY, Kaufman does, out of sheer desperation, visit one of McKee’s seminars as recommended by Donald. There, ever being the cynic, brushes off most of what McKee relates to his students, until after the class, he convinces McKee into having a drink with him so he can talk about the project and his troubles. What McKee then says to him ignites that motive that helps drive Kaufman to succeed in completing his script.

Meanwhile, his brother Donald back in LA, has been reading the recommended screenwriting books, and even considers taking Robert McKee’s Screenwriting course on a loan provided by his brother. Kaufman tells Donald that he can learn nothing about screenwriting from such courses and books, and that his ideas are just what’s wrong with stories being sold and made in the system today. Donald doesn’t heed his brother’s advice and decides to write one anyway.

But try as Kaufman may, time is short, and in desperation he finally relents to taking his brother onto the project, after several frustrating weeks. His agent also urges Charlie do just that after just having read his brother’s first spec script, declares to Charlie that “it’s brilliant” and how he’ll go onto sell it for a “fuckin’ shitload.”

With Donald in tow, their agent is now estatic about getting two talented Kaufman’s on-board for one truly inventive screenplay. And once Donald comes on board, what’s left is the way they serendipitously are led to completing it, with a little help from the “real” Susan Orlean and Laroche that collimates into a third act that will indeed, truly “wow them at the end.”

But does Kaufman succeed in ever-adapting Orlean’s novel? Well sort of. Within his structure, he does fictionalize some events from the book, while recounting his non-fictionzied experiences with the real Orlean and Laroche, and others involved in her novel.

Does it all come together? Well somehow, someway, in an intricately weaved tapestry of sorts, yes. The Kaufman’s do indeed manage to turn it into an incredibly original screenplay and in doing so, cleverly blur the lines between fantasy and reality, jumping back and forth through time, places and situations; using voice-over to lock down his central character and allowing the events to take place around him.

Now I’ve recently heard that Tom Hanks currently has Kaufman doing a re-write from the script I read, and more recently that Spike Jonze is on as director and that the project is over at Sony in development.

Two things can work for or against this project. First, the above players are a plus, but only if Hanks in taking back seat as producer. This film can only be realized to it’s fullest if non-familiar actors are cast into the roles.

Casting is key here, and by casting knowns into these roles would essentially betray the material, which Kaufman has so well crafted, and cheat the audience of being absorbed into a movie, rather than a story. Of course the downside would most likely be that no stars = no grosses. But hey, it’s a small film, and “yes” word of mouth DOES make a difference here. (By a stretch, just look at last year’s “BLAIR WITCH PROJECT”. Zero stars, zero names, and no real bankability. But damn if word of mouth didn’t spread like wildfire and look now… “Ka-Ching!” That film puts Artisan on the map!

Also the film is heavily industry related. While it would certainly appeal to cities such as LA and NY, most others may turn away from such industry jargon and tactics, but the script isn’t about “The Orchid Thief”, it’s about one screenwriter’s journey in his adventures and experiences in trying to adapt such a difficult novel as this. It’s about the pain, frustration, blood, sweat and tears that drives one to undertake such a task as creating something so wildly original that most people would get or appreciate. But it’s definitely written for those others who do “get it” and appreciate what Kaufman’s trying to do and say during adaptation.

Now you see, after washing off all the dirt, see how this gem shines. And shines like it does! Now longer just a clod of dirt, this is a rare gem to be treasured indeed!

Now the reverse could be said taking the easy route, attaching name celebrities to the project, guaranteeing you your opening weekend audience, but the story would have to suffer tremendously, thus making it less of a film when it deserves to be so much more.

Now to some, what I’m talking about here may not make too much sense, but to those who have read the script know exactly what I’m talking about. You studio heads, play this one smart! Don’t think with your pocket books, but your heads on this one!

If anyone knows the current status of this project, or involved to some capacity on it, I would love to hear more on the current status of this project.

Just once, for the love of all that’s holy, do it justice, do it right… don’t “just do it.”

As the orchid is the flower that the story is centered around, you must remember to take lovingly care of that flower and nurture it to it’s fullest potential if you ever truly wish to see it bloom, and then allow yourself to stand back and marvel at it’s beauty.

Hell, just look what the rose did for “American Beauty”!

Whew! By the way, I did really like this script.

-Mysterio

e-mail @: Mysterio_9999@yahoo.com