Dear lord, why did I go see this movie?

I mean, I know why. I went because I’m a child of Gadget. I remember in Junior High rushing home to watch INSPECTOR GADGET.

I loved that show, like my favorite television toons, Inspector Gadget was a joy. Quick clever little stories with safe endings and predictable calamities.

BUT MY GOD, THE ATROCITY I WITNESSED TODAY SHOULD BE, IN NO WAY, CONNECTED TO INSPECTOR GADGET!

I went into this film knowing that they were straying from the series. I went in knowing that Penny and Brain had been downsized to sidekicks. I went in knowing that there were lots and lots of gadgets. I went in knowing that we SEE Claw.

BUT MY GOD.... (shivers)

How do I warn you about this film? What can I say that will get you to NEVER WATCH THIS MOVIE SO LONG AS YOU LIVE?

I can’t. You see, the problem with Gadget is that it exists at a level of mediocrity and pandering to the lowest common denominator of supposed child enjoyment that it succeeds at no possible level that I could find.

There is a single frame of this film that works. One frame. It comes during the end credits and concerns a MINION REHABILITATION CLINIC. Claw’s minion is doing his.... AA drivel, but the camera turns to show us.... MR T, RICHARD KIEL and a ton of other onscreen minions.

I want, this frame of film reproduced somewhere.... far away from this movie....

But what all is wrong with INSPECTOR GADGET.

1. They decide to give him a backstory that has no appeal whatsoever. They attempt a semi-Robocop-esque sequence that.... Just sucks. There is this subplot of how Gadget, who by the way has a real name of JOHN BROWN (after the infamous murderer who was hung by the neck till he was dead back before the Civil War?), is in lust with a ‘Brenda’ played terribly by Joely Fisher.

2. The director of this monstrosity was David Kellogg, who once directed the Vanilla Ice film, COOL AS ICE. Every point in this film is illustrated with all the subtlety of... oh... my waist. Everything is over done, over produced and over noisy.

3. Sound Effects! Everything has a cartoony sound effect to it. It’s sooooooo annoying.

4. Penny & Brain are just basically a regular kid and a regular dog. They are terrible. Penny is this hideous smiley child that’s just so happy and perky and in love with her Uncle Brown. And she has advice for his love life and she isn’t in touch with Quimby (more on him later) and she isn’t assigned to help Gadget to get the job done. Brain is just a mutt. He doesn’t say... pilot a helicopter or dress up like a waiter to deliver a stick of dynamite in the opportune moment. He’s just a regular dog.

I could ennumerate faults for days and days but that would simply take TOO MUCH EFFORT in my opinion to simply say THIS MOVIE SUCKS!

Gadget will say, oh.... ‘go go gadget oil slick’ and toothpaste starts spraying everywhere and... yuck yuck yuck, ain’t that funny?

UGH!

I never once wanted to know HOW GADGET BECAME GADGET. I didn’t need to know that he was a pathetic loser of a parking lot security guard. He simply... existed. I don’t know how, and I don’t care. It’s kinda like John Henry. I don’t know how his mother birthed him full sized, but it simply happened. And I accept that.

Also, giving an origin to CLAW was terrible. And Rupert Everett has just given possibly one of the worst performances known to mankind. We are never suppose to see CLAW. Only a hand, or the back of his chair, or his cat leaping to the floor. But never do we see him. Never does he get caught.

I don’t understand how this movie came to exist. I mean... didn’t someone take a look at the director, the script, the budget and think.... “hmmm.... Maybe we should get some other take on this”

You know. I believe an entire book could be written on the development of this film as a case study of what goes wrong in Hollywood. I wonder how many different screenwriters had a hand, ultimately, in this film. What the first screenplay vs the final screenplay looked like.

Interview the people that contributed, the arguments, the frustrations. There is a story here I know it. So much energy and creativity thrown at the screen sooooo violently and with no organization or artistry surely must have an unspoken volume to explain the inanity of the final product.

This made WILD WILD WEST look like a work of art and that takes a lot of doing.

When this was over I felt as though I had an indentation in my skull cap and as I stumbled from the theater... a bit dazed and with one of those 1 mile stares, I glanced at the box office and thought, “I don’t want my money back... it’s been tainted.”

And that is the truth. This film will hurt you it’s so bad. It’s like snorting glue after 12 hours. It’s just a numbing experience that leaves you unable to have rational thought for days.

Steer clear. Don’t rent it, don’t watch it, stay away. If you must go, take Advil or Tylenol or whatever headache medicine to subscribe to. Take 3 before the movie, and 3 halfway through... and 3 more as the credits roll.

That’s just a friendly survival tip from me to you. BEWARE!