Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with my own thoughts on Warner’s upcoming THE CLONE WARS, the newest STAR WARS title to hit the big screen.

And I’ve been sitting here watching the craziness go down with the embargo thrown at Harry biding my time writing my own review to post this morning.

I’m not a fan of the prequels. Anybody who reads the site even on a semi-regular basis probably knows this about me by now. I was like many of you when I first saw THE PHANTOM MENACE. My mind was reeling. I couldn’t comprehend a STAR WARS movie I didn’t like. I tried to explain why I felt odd about it, tried to make excuses for why it didn’t work.

But no matter what I did, I kept going back to that same sinking feeling I felt after the opening crawl when the Neimoidians first spoke as Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan’s ship approached the warship. That record-player being unplugged mid-song slow dropping of the goofy grin that was on my face.

I give Lucas credit for handling the emperor’s storyline well until the clumsy, awkward reveal in REVENGE OF THE SITH, I give him credit for creating an aesthetic that is instantly recognizable with the prequels, but unfortunately that aesthetic is one that I don’t particularly like.

That said, I did love Genndy Tartakovsky’s short CLONE WARS cartoons, but even then I said “Why wasn’t this character work in the movies? Why weren’t any of the these battles in the movies?”

So, anything relating to the prequels for me isn’t exactly my cup of tea, but I don’t have the anger towards them that I used to. I went into THE CLONE WARS cartoon hoping to enjoy it in the same way I was able to enjoy the Cartoon Network version… accepting of the flaws, but enjoying the spectacle.

I repeat, I did not go into this wanting to hate it. Tallboy in talkback, I know you don’t believe this, but I do love Star Wars, which is why I can’t give it a pass when it fails me. I have an original 3-sheet of A New Hope that is waiting while I save up to get it linen backed. To my immediate left as I type this I have a framed 1-sheet for THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK.

I love Star Wars. That’s why it’s so painful to me when I see stuff like THE CLONE WARS.

Listen, I believe Dave Filoni when he says this was his dream job, that he’s a Star Wars fanatic that got to be a big part of something that is now officially Star Wars canon, but don’t you for one second think that means he’s taking this story seriously.

I’m sure as a job he was serious as a heart attack, but the tone is what I’m talking about.

THE CLONE WARS animated movie has every thing you hate about the prequels turned up to 11. The cuteness, the modern slang somehow injected, zero teeth and people standing still over a holoboard spending 3 minutes discussing politics when the important information in the conversation could have been said in three lines.

Just like the prequels I like the overall story… Anakin having to take on a young girl as an apprentice, someone who challenges him to be a good teacher and a better man. I’m all for anything that makes Anakin more likable, thus making his fall more tragic. I’m sure down the line this story won’t end happily.

However, it’s in the execution that I begin to have some problems. Ashley Eckstein voices the teenage apprentice, Ahsoka, but it was clear someone with power wanted Miley Cyrus. She spews out teenage slang, using a modern typical teenage girl tone. I think I about rolled my eyes out of their sockets the moment she first called Anakin “Sky-Guy” which became his nickname for the entire movie.

And don’t get me started on the farting baby Jabba or the Truman Capote Hutt character that is so shockingly horrible he almost swings all the way around and back into awesome.

I also think they cockblocked themselves sandwiching this movie into a storyline we already know. We know that the lightsaber duels with Asajj Ventress will end in a draw because we’ve seen the end of her story in another cartoon. We know that Dooku’s not going to win in any major way, we know that Padme will be fine when she falls into danger.

And the animation isn’t feature film quality. I’m sorry. It’s fine for TV and I’m sure I’ll give the next few episodes a look-see when they air to see if they play better on the small screen, but as for feature film it just doesn’t cut it. The mind boggles at the thought of someone like Brad Bird or Andrew Stanton doing a Wall-E level Jedi story someday… Maybe a Knights of the Old Republic story or something that takes place in the future, in a galaxy that hasn’t been so well mined.

On the positive side, I still dig the character of Asajj Ventress and they got Christopher Lee to come back to voice Dooku, which is never bad. And if all you need to get off is lightsaber action, then you’ll get that. Other than the impressive wall climb action sequence, though, there’s nothing to write home about, just a lot of noise.

I admit I can be a bit jaded as a viewer now, so I kept a close eye on the family sitting in front of me, noticing their movements. The young kids made lightsaber movements (even during the blaster fights with the clone troopers and yet another wave of droids) and then the second the action stopped they were fidgeting, walking two or three seats over to talk with their friends.

I guess I don’t give this movie a pass and have never accepted “Well, it’s just a kid’s movie” excuse for the prequels because making a family film or a kid’s film that can engage adults isn’t impossible. The original trilogy is like that for my family. My stepdad and mom were just as big of Star Wars fans as I was. The Pixar films aren’t just for a sub-6 year old crowd.

Here’s to hoping that the upcoming Star Wars live action TV show and the new episodes of the Clone Wars take a different path and can breathe some life into this universe again. Or at least can get people like me reinvested in that galaxy far, far away.

-Quint
quint@aintitcool.com