Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here.

And every single one of them makes his ass look fat.

I’m sorry, bro, but you asked.

While I console my favorite person in all of Chicago and help him out of this last strapless number, check out his take on this year’s first of 474,739 romantic comedies.

Hey everyone. Capone in Chicago here.

The pitch for 27 DRESSES probably sounded funnier and more entertaining than the finished film; I can almost guarantee it. There's no getting around the fact that Katherine Heigl is a great beauty, and the filmmakers behind both this film and Knocked Up were smart enough to realize that, while she's no great comic actor, her reactions to funny things somehow make them funnier. So the tough sell here is that someone as stunning as Heigl would have a difficult time meeting a good man, even in the viper pit of dating known as New York City. The mere fact that she's been a bridesmaid for 27 weddings would at least make a nice conversation starter at a party. So long-time choreographer and director Anne Fletcher has her work cut out for her in the "suspending disbelief" realm.

From an original script from THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA adaptor Aline Brosh McKenna, the film tells the sad story of Jane (Heigl), who is nothing but a giver. She took care of her baby sister Tess (who has grown up to be the hot Malin Akerman) when their mom died, she takes care of all of her engaged friends, and she takes care of her boss (Edward Burns), who she also has a huge crush on. Her best friend and co-worker Casey (Judy Greer) tries to convince her that pining for the boss is a fruitless endeavor, especially when party girl Tess arrives to stay with Jane for a time, hooks up with Burns and almost immediately gets engaged to the guy. Jane eases her pain by reading the romantic accounts of other people's weddings in a newspaper column written by Kevin (James Marsden). The two meet at one of her many weddings and clash immediately, although she doesn't realize who he is. He, on the other hand, is sweet on her as any right-thinking man would be.

27 DRESSES falls victim to plot devices that pretty much every other romantic comedy that comes out of Hollywood uses. People in this film are expected to act like uncommunicative idiots in order for the plot to work. If Jane said two words to Tess about her crush on the boss, the story would be over. And then there's this whole "mix up" about Jane and Kevin, who thinks an article about her being in 27 wedding parties would be far more interesting than writing another boring story about an overpriced wedding. He takes photos of her in all of her previous bridesmaid dresses, but she never for a moment thinks that he just might be taking the photos for, hmmm, an article maybe. Dummy! This is also the kind of film that mistakes a big romantic declaration carried out in front of a large group of people for comedy gold. Let me assure you, it is not.

The film also misses some prime opportunities. Judy Greer is a gifted comic actor, and seeing her play second fiddle like this kills me. She has 20 times the personality of Heigl or Akerman, but only a fraction of the screen time. And what about Marsden? He makes out better than just about anyone else in this movie. The guy has proven that he is such a gifted entertainer in films like ENCHANTED and HAIRSPRAY. Strangely enough, I'm not 100 percent convinced he can pull off a more serious dramatic role. His performances in the X-Men movies and SUPERMAN RETURNS don't really give us much to work with, and he has such an expressive face that I almost doubt he could be understated. I eagerly await the moment I'm proven wrong. My point is that Greer and Marsden run circles around Heigl and Burns, and watching 27 DRESSES made mad when one of the two weren't on screen.

Even when the film's big lesson about taking care of yourself is delivered (with the subtlety of a blimp or sky writer), it's in such a mean and awkward context, you just want the movie's inevitable conclusion to happen and the proceedings to be done with. 27 DRESSES feels like a romantic comedy by committee, a patchwork of ideas from better films that never misses an opportunity for a music montage or case of mistaken identity to propel its limp and lifeless tale of bridal dreams and woes. With a couple of noted exceptional performers, I kind of couldn't stand this movie.

Capone