Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here.

I’ll see anything Simon Pegg does right now. I think he’s a movie star who is just hitting his stride, and I think he just happens to be that rare combination of great comic timing and genuine dramatic chops. I’m not sure what to make of David Schwimmer as a director, but I guess we’ll find out.

Here’s what I believe is our first test screening report on the film:

Hello, Harry. First time reader, long time writer. Why haven’t you posted any of the reviews I’ve been sending you? And furthermore, how in the hell did I know where to send them if this is my first visit here?

I don’t know, but I do know this. I was fortunate enough to attend what a guy who looked like an amalgamation of the Philip Seymour Hoffman characters in BOOGIE NIGHTS and CAPOTE called “one of the first test screenings anywhere” of RUN FAT BOY RUN. In case you’ve failed in your numerous attempts to figure out what a “The Internet Movie Database” is, have no fear – I’ll fill you in. The film is a comedy about a guy named Dennis (Simon Pegg) who accidentally impregnates his girlfriend Libby (Thandie Newton) and leaves her at the altar. Five years later, he realizes what an awful mistake he made tries to win her back by outrunning her potential fiancé (Hank Azaria) in a marathon.

First, a little bit about myslf. My real name is NAME DELETED, but everyone calls me NICKNAME DELETED. I live at ADDRESS DELETED in the fine city of CITY DELETED, STATE DELETED. And in case you’re curious, my shoe size is SHOE SIZE DELETED and my blood type is BLOOD TYPE DELETED. And not to get too personal, but I’ve never slept with a human woman before, although I have made sweet love to a dolphin. Her name is DOLPHIN NAME DELETED.

But enough about me. On to the cinemas! I have a short attention span, so I’ll get right down to it. No spoilers, so relax.

CAST

Simon Pegg - He’s my favorite comedic actor working in movies today. I honestly thought SHAUN OF THE DEAD was the best movie of 2004. I knew nothing about it other than a review or two I read off of this site, and when I saw it, it blew me completely away. Never have I been so moved by a scene containing a dying man’s flatulence. HOT FUZZ was also good, but the only way that movie could have lived up to my ridiculously high expectations after SHAUN would have been if I’d been in a transcendental state of euphoria for the film’s entire runtime. I would have had to have been shot up with heroin or something. I liked it enough to make sure to buy it when it comes out on DVD next Tuesday, though. I own SPACED but have yet to watch beyond the third or fourth episode. It’s region 2, so I have to watch it on my computer, which sucks. I heard it’s better than SHAUN and HOT FUZZ, so I’m saving it for when I really, really need to laugh. And I came across something in a video store that he was in with David Schwimmer called BIG NOTHING. I hadn’t heard of it and didn’t rent it, but I just might, despite the fact that I’d have to occasionally look at David Scwimmer and hear him say things.

In RUN FAT BOY RUN, Dennis is basically Shaun, but with a son. He’s a loser who works as a security guard in a women’s lingerie store, and we see him at one point chasing a shoplifting transvestite. He baby mama wants nothing to do with him from a romantic standpoint, though he still visits his kid and interacts with him pretty much on an infantile level. His character gets to a point where he decides his life needs an overhaul and has to prove to the world that he’s worth a damn.

Thandie Newton - I don’t like Thandie Newton, but her association with this movie gave her some points in my book. Instead of disliking her, I am now impartial, or maybe even slightly positive. I haven’t liked her in anything I’ve seen her in. CRASH was not a good movie. MISSION IMPOSSIBLE II was not a good movie. I have not seen NORBIT, nor will I. GRIDLOCK’D was okay, what I remember of it, but I mostly just remember Tupac and Tim Roth stabbing each other. She whined about a veggie burger in her underwear, if memory serves me. When I found out she was in this, I thought, “Well...maybe she won’t blow it.” And she didn’t.

Dylan Moran - Funny actor. Great in this movie. I’ve only seen him in SHAUN OF THE DEAD. Some friends of mine recommended I watch him in BLACK BOOKS. He plays Dennis’ friend Gordon, who has a gambling problem and bets money he doesn’t have that Dennis will complete the marathon. He becomes Dennis’ trainer, and Dennis’ landlord, Mr. Ghoshdashtidar becomes his assistant trainer.

Harish Patel – Mr. Ghoshdashtidar, the landlord - this man was wonderful. If anyone has been stung by the absence of Kumar Pallana in Wes Anderson’s latest efforts, they’ll be happy to know that his eccentric spirit is alive and well in this guy, who apparently has starred in 89 other films since 1983 – the majority of which have titles I couldn’t even begin to pronounce. He starts out as a character who mostly just wants the loser who lives in the basement of his house to pay the rent on time, but when he finds out that Dennis sincerely wants to apply himself, he lends support and encouragement and a spatula which he whacks Dennis on the ass with when he begins to break his pace. His daughter Maya is played by the imperceptibly beautiful India de Beaufort. This is her first movie. Her major scene involved taking a picture of Dennis’ penis after he came out of the shower.

Hank Azaria – He was good, playing one of the residents of Peter Perfect’s Perfect Palace. At first, he seems like the direct antithesis of Dennis – rich, handsome, American -- but as the movie unfolds, he becomes more and more of an asshole.

Jake – I don’t know the name of the small actor who played Dennis and Libby’s son Jake, but he was great. He has lost many teeth and when he smiles, he looks a jack-o-lantern that just climbed out of a bar fight. Do you remember David Dorfman in PANIC? When I saw him in that movie, I thought, “That kid was cute, funny, and smart – and not annoying at all.” Exactly the same deal with this gentleman. The script is even considerate enough to give him a character arc, which brings me to...

CREW

Michael Ian Black – I liked the State. I liked Stella. I liked Wet Hot American Summer. Those projects all had very, very strange, abstract humor that wouldn’t appeal to a wide audience, so when I found out that he wrote this film, I thought it could go one of two ways – weird like chicken nuggets in your pocket or castratedly mainstream, like the stuff Thomas Lennon and Robert Ben Garant have made (like THE PACIFIER, NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM, and most unfortunately, LET’S GO TO PRISON). I was wrong on both ends. The script is funny and sincere. It likes its characters and wants them to succeed if they deserve it. It hits all the right notes exactly where it should. If Mr. Black happens to read this and has the capacity to keep writing movies the way he wrote this one, then that was probably his last trip to the Grog Shop.

David Schwimmer – If there was one person who was gonna drop the ball and blow the whole deal for everyone, it’s this guy. He hadn’t directed anything before outside of television, so when I first heard about this project and got excited, my enthusiasm was almost completely sapped when I saw that he was directing. Fortunately for us, he does a great job. Nothing got muddled. Nothing really dragged, although dropping a couple of scenes (one where Dennis inadvertently humps a mannequin and another where Gordon pops a blister on Dennis’ foot the size of a silver dollar pancake and is sprayed in the face with pus) might actually be a good idea. The latter was probably included so it could be cut to ensure a PG-13 rating, what with all the “shitheads,” “assholes,” and a single “fuck” and all.

I had a great time with this movie, as did the three individuals who accompanied me. I had stupifyingly high expectations for HOT FUZZ, so when I saw it, it couldn’t possibly match up. But since Schwimmer was directing this one and I thought he was going to go face first into a pile of manure, my expectations were relatively low. I was surprised and cannot wait to see it again. It comes out September 28th, three years after SHAUN was released in the U.S.

And after the film, my posse and I encountered the Wienermobile in the parking lot. Whilst gazing upon its strangely magnetic opulence, we were approached by a fat man and his lady friend who were also drawn to the hot-dog-shaped vehicle. He asked us if we’d just seen RUN, FAT BOY, RUN, to which we collectively replied “uh-huh.” He said he thought it was great, too, but that Simon Pegg wasn’t fat enough. He said he should have been fatter, like him. I agreed. I thought the title was a little misleading. I thought Pegg was going to be wearing a full-on fat suit, but he basically just had a gut. At one point, Dennis yells, “I’m not fat! I’m just not fit!” So if I could offer one more bit of criticism, it would be this – change the title to RUN, NOT FIT BOY, RUN.

Right away, Dr. Lester,
Genghis Kahn Capone.