Hey everyone. Capone in Chicago here.

There are only two reasons this film would get made. One is because Adam Sandler is so in love with the gay community that he just couldn't help himself; the other is because he and costar Kevin James truly believe this story of two straight Brooklyn firefighters who pretend to be gay and get married will somehow heal the divide between gays and the homophobic world at large. Let me be the first of many to say that neither of these reasons is noble or even likely. Instead, I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK AND LARRY is a pedestrian attempt to address gay issues without really addressing them. Chuck and Larry aren't gay. James' Larry character just needs to be married so he can save his pension plan from vanishing after the death of his wife two years earlier. After saving Chuck's life (gee, thanks Kevin), Larry gets a chance to get payback by coming up with this needlessly elaborate scheme of going to Canada and getting married so they can return to New York and file as domestic partners. During the course of this two-hour debacle, Sandler, director Dennis Dugan (THE BENCHWARMERS), and company parade a series of stereotypes (gay and others) and famous gay actors before the camera to what ends, I'm still not sure.

The film goes out of its way to make sure we understand fully that Chuck and Larry are men's men. Larry was married and has two kids before his wife's passing. Chuck is the womanizer's womanizer. His firehouse chief (played admirably by Dan Akroyd) puts it best when he says, "If my pencil sharpener wore a skirt, I'd have to hide it from you." He's not just sleeping with a different woman every night; he's sleeping with a half dozen at once. And there's no chance he's overcompensating. They play basketball with the other firefighters. Nothing gay about that, no sir. Larry is having a hard time getting over the loss of his wife, so both men are plagued with different types of commitment issues. They believe the faux gay arrangement will be kept a secret, but shockingly enough when the nature of their union comes under investigation, the world finds out they're gay.

The movie's premise isn't what's at fault here. One of the smartest gay films designed for straight audiences, Frank Oz's IN & OUT, dealt with some of these same issues, but it did so with intelligence and maturity. CHUCK AND LARRY has the emotional weight of a carrot stick and about as much depth, despite its endless parade of message scenes and even a scene in which Sandler movingly declares that saying the word "faggot" is not cool. Tito, hand me a tissue.

But really the only reason anyone cares about CHUCK AND LARRY (and the only reason I was able to stay awake for it) is the presence of Jessica Biel and her heavenly perfect ass.

I know you've seen the clips of her dripping wet in her underwear, but that scene is much, much longer in the film, and I'll be damned if that woman doesn't make the most of every second of her otherwise worthless time on screen. The polar opposite is true of Rob Schneider's extended cameo, a throwback to the racist portrayals of Japanese men that hasn't hit the mark quite like this since Mickey Rooney's Mr. Yunioshi in BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S Oh boy. What the film lacks in homophobic jokes, it more than makes up for in bashing the Japanese. Nicely played, gents. Way to trade one sensitivity for another, you fucking morons. And don't even get me started on Ving Rhames character as an angry new firefighter in the station who turns out to be gayer than Liberace on Christopher Street for a Halloween parade.

Utterly placating cameos by the likes of Richard Chamberlain and Lance Bass don't really do much to save this floundering mix of childish humor and sensitivity training. I liked Sandler more when he was taking some level of risk, as he did with REIGN OVER ME earlier this year. That was not a perfect film, but he was at least simulating an actor who gave a shit about his craft. The man starring in CHUCK AND LARRY isn't even attempting to impress anybody, and he doesn't, trust me. This is a spineless, gutless and brainless film that dares to come at its audience with a message about tolerance, but delivers us such lame comedy that it ends up reinforcing our prejudices... against former "Saturday Night Live" cast members. Just because you wrap a turd in pink ribbon, doesn't make it gay; and it certainly doesn't make it good.

Capone