Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with the second contest to finally come to a conclusion. This is the Dirty Joke for Rocky Contest, with EMI supplying 5 packages for the winners. The packages will include Rocky toys, soundtracks, DVDs and 3 of the 5 will get randomly inserted original Rocky soundtracks autographed by composer Bill Conti.

This one was a tough one to judge. I got nearly 1000 entries and most of the jokes were long. I’ve probably spent a full work week going through these entries, narrowing the field down to 77 jokes and then having to narrow that down to 10, the cream of the crop. Then the difficult task of picking the last five. I also was doing my best to weed out jokes obviously copied from a joke website. I’d see the same joke worded the exact same way a few times and they’d be out.

I’ve had people ask why I didn’t just pick the winners randomly instead of letting the contest drag on and on. I honestly feel it’d be a disservice to those who entered to just go through all of the entries like a lottery. I’d rather do it right or not at all. It just took a little more time than I anticipated.

Here are the five winning jokes. Some of them are crude, one is very offensive, but funny as hell and one is very well thought-out, worked to play directly into this contest. It was the first stand-out winner. Enjoy the jokes and thanks to everybody who entered and a special thanks to EMI.

1. A boy and his mother are watching a Discovery channel program about elephants. He asks his mom, "Hey, mom... what is that thing?"

She replies, "That's the elephant's trunk."

"No, not that," says the boy, "that thing right there."

"That's his tail," she answered.

"No, what is that thing... right in the middle?"

Flustered, the mother says, "Ummm, that's... that's nothing, son."

So the boy's mother quickly leaves the room and his dad walks in. The boy asks his dad, "Hey pop, what's that thing?"

His father answers, "Son, that's the elephant's penis."

The boy looks at his old man with a puzzled look and asks, "Well, why did mom say it was nothing?"

His father turned to him and said, "Because your mother is spoiled, son."

Tony Maravola

2. A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other.

The rabbit says, "You feel me first." The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit.

He says, "Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet..."

The rabbit says, "I know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!" Then the rabbit feels the snake.
He says, "Okay, you're long and thin, and slimy all over, and there's a little forked tongue..."

The snake says, "Oh no, I'm a lawyer."

Brett Nichols

3. Hey Quint,

I have a great animal joke for you:

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing! Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

Dave Fitch

4. Kinda racy...but it's funny. I dont care who you are.

A black man walks into a pet shop one day and starts looking around. The owner comes up to him and asks "How can I help you?" The man tells him he's looking for a pet for his kids but he isnt allowed to have dogs and his wife is allergic to cats, so he needs something else. The owner says "Well I have this parrot over here, he is easy to take care of and on top of that he's a talking parrot." The black man says "Well what does he say?" to which the owner replies "many different things, go say something to him and he will talk back" So the man goes over to the cage and bends down and looks at the parrot and says "Polly want a cracker?" and the parrot just stares at him. The man complains the parrot doesnt talk and the owner says try again. So once again the man leans down and says "Polly want a cracker?" to which the parrot just turns his head and chirps. The man once again complains the parrot doesnt talk and the owner says try it one more time. So the man once again leans down and says "Polly want a cracker?" The parrot looks him straight in the eye and says "Nigga want a watermelon?"

Jason Adams

5. Rocky walks into the pet shop one day and, tired of beating around the bush, confronts Adrian. Rocky says, "Yo Adrian, sex is a natural thing... I think we should do it."

Adrian ignores him as usual.

Rocky continues, " I mean we could get it on like Feathers the bird here, swinging on a bar."

Adrian doesn't look up.

"Or we could have hot turtle sex, like Cuff & Link do...nice and slow."

You can see Adrian's eyes roll under her glasses.

"Even this snake here has sex Adrian, we could get all tangled up in each other, like the snakes do."

Adrian continiues her work.

Rocky looks around the room searching for another animal. "Umm...we can have sex like....ummm..."

Adrian finally looks up an says, "Butkiss?"

Rocky is taken back for a second and says, "Well, ok Adrian, but only if you take a shower first."

Ba-dup-dup.

Marty Johnson