Hey, everyone. Capone in Chicago here with two very brief (but still too long) looks at two colossal hunks of dookie matter. Try to keep your lunch in your stomach as you read.

Wild Hogs
Keeping with the animal theme of the week's releases (along with Black Snake Moan), allow me to draw your short attention span to a miserable and overlong piece called Wild Hogs. Last year, when I interviewed William H. Macy, he had just finished shooting this movie and was practically doing back flips about how much fun he had making it. In a way I can see how filming a movie about four middle-age guys hopping on their Harleys and rolling down the highway together might be fun for those in the movie. As for the rest of us, hold your nose and shield your eyes from this catastrophic misstep for all four leads.

John Travolta, Tim Allen, Martin Lawrence and Macy play the four boneheads in need of a break from their families and other life responsibilities. In different hands this could have been an entertaining bit of escapism. But in the hands of director Walt (Van Wilder) Becker, there is simply nothing to laugh at or enjoy. My guess is that everyone involved in putting this film together simply said, "Let's just throw these four on bikes and watch the comedy fly." Let's look at that cast for a second: the first three names haven't had a critically acclaimed work between them in a very long time. Then there's Macy, whose films often don't make money, but no one argues that the guy is one of the great actors working today. We forgive him for this, because he deserves a sizeable paycheck every now and again.

What passes for comedy in Wild Hogs is a never-ending string of gay jokes, lots of middle-age man-ass, a cartoonish biker gang led by Ray Liotta (the only cast member responsible for me laughing…once) and a last-minute cameo by an aged actor, whose appearance here might have had more impact if he hadn't just appeared in the other motorcycle-centric film out right now. I know it was only about a month ago that I threatened you with physical violence if you went to see the truly awful Diane Keaton monstrosity Because I Said So, but I'll give you a pass on that one if you promise not to see Wild Hogs, a film guaranteed to land on most Worst of 2007 lists, starting with mine.

Full of It
This truly bizarre film appears to have been made by individuals who simultaneously seem to have never seen a movie in their lives and yet are utterly well versed in every teen comedy ever made. The pacing, humor and acting would imply a total unfamiliarity with all celluloid products, while the embracing of every teen-movie cliché known in the seven galaxies leads me to believe no coming-of-age film made since 1950 has escaped the eyes of the filmmakers. But the true crime of Full of It is that its a PG-13 piece of crap that would have at least had a shot at being promisingly offensive if it had been allowed to embrace the dirty, dirty R rating it clearly wishes it had.

Director Christian Charles is capable of making a decent movie, as evidenced by his neat documentary Comedian starring Jerry Seinfeld. If you saw Jerry present the Best Documentary Feature at the Oscars this year, he mentioned this film as being one that nobody saw, which is largely true. Well, I saw it and dug it. But Charles doesn't seem to have a clue what his latest work is about.

The small-for-his age, 17-year-old Sam Leonard ("Punk'd" co-star Ryan Pinkston) is nerdy, but not like most movie nerds. He's just awkward, but that doesn't stop him from wanting and trying to be one of the cool kids. Pinkston's performance is at least sympathetic in the beginning; the kid comes across as sincere and sweet. But after his first day at his new school, on the advice of his guidance counselor (Craig Kilborn, even more unfunny that usual), he begins to lie about every aspect of his life to gain popularity. For no particular reason, when Sam wakes up the next morning, all of the things he lied about have become true, from why he didn't do his homework to what his parents do for a living to his gifts as a basketball player to which hot girls have crushes on him to how big his wiener is. The potential for raunch is there.

His life is going pretty great for a while, until the consequences of some of his lies begin to come true, including the alienation of the one person (Kate Mara, who was so good in We Are Marshall) who liked him before he drove a Porsche and had the hottest teacher in school (Teri Polo) lusting after him. There is absolutely nothing about the plot or outcome of Full of It that isn't telegraphed from about 37 miles away, but that isn't why it sucks. The entire film feels like it was written and edited by monkeys with a "How To Write a Screenplay" book in one hand, the raw footage from this film in the other and a pair of dull scissors in their left foot. Events are pieced together almost randomly, and characters' moods change from one scene to the next (and not just because one day the lies are lies and the next day they're truth). The end result is an unpleasant and headache-inducing product that should enjoy a blessedly short run in theaters and clutter up bargain DVD bins in about three months, tops. Avoid this one, folks. Avoid them both.

Capone
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