Form and Fuller... I’m calling you out.

You guys have the ability to get these films greenlit. You are making movies on a regular basis. You keep buying familiar properties and then putting your “spin” on them, and we know it’s going to keep happening.

So can’t you do it well? Or at least act like you like the movies that you’re remaking?

I hate both of the TEXAS CHAINSAW remakes. Hate them. I hate trouble even coming up with the words to fully express why I hate them. I’m sure part of that has to do with the esteem I have for the original Hooper picture and even its oft-maligned sequel, also by Hooper. Aside from those two films, I think every other screen incarnation of Leatherface and Family has been poor, and none moreso than the witless remakes. R. Lee Ermey’s act got old for me a while ago, and when he’s the only thing anyone can recommend about the new films, you know something has gone seriously wrong.

With THE HITCHER, I didn’t walk into the theater with the same sort of reverence for the original in place, so I figured I’d have a better shot at enjoying the film. Even if Eric Red seems to be a complete disaster as a human being, he did manage to crank out a few sweaty B-movie classics in his early days as a writer. The original HITCHER was directed by Robert Harmon, who appeared to be aping John Carpenter something fierce, whether it was the Dean Cundey-looking cinematography or the score by Mark Isham. Rutger Hauer did one of the best takes on the unstoppable killer from that era, and I liked how the movie played like a nightmare, with the possibility always left open that maybe C. Thomas Howell’s character really was cracking up. In updating Red’s original script, Eric Bernt and Jake Wade Wall have undermined a lot of what made the original work, and their inventions haven’t really added much to the premise.

This time around, it’s a couple who are on the road together. Jim (Zachary Knighton) and Grace (Sophia Bush) are introduced quickly. They’re going to Lake Havasu for spring break to meet her friends. That’s pretty much all you’ll ever know about the characters, too.

As soon as they meet Sean Bean, things go haywire, and the film ratchets things up so high so fast that it never really has anywhere else to go. Things play out as a sustained fever pitch that is more frantic than frightening, and when it got to the action scene where The Hitcher wipes out five cop cars and a helicopter, I sort of gave up. The only real twist it plays on the expectations of anyone who likes the original is a gender-switch on the truck scene, and the chance to see what was only implied in the original. If that’s reason enough for you to see the film, then check it out.

I don’t think Dave Meyers did a bad job directing the film. He’s not a hyperactive idiot like some of his music video directing contemporaries, and given a good piece of material, he might do nice work. This is just a pointless rehash of something that worked better as a low-budget exploitation film, and perhaps the most depressing moment of the film comes when Grace gets a moment in a motel room to catch her breath. She gets in bed, snuggles under the covers, and puts on the TV so she can watch... THE BIRDS. Which is the next film that Form and Fuller plan to remake. It’s like they’re rubbing our noses in it, saying, “Look! Even as you sit there hating this remake, get ready for the next film we’re going to ruin!”

I wish these guys would use this momentum they’ve created for Platinum Dunes to give original filmmakers a chance to create new horror visions instead of this endless regurgitation. Truly... a shame from start to finish.

Drew McWeeny, Los Angeles