Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with Copernicus' report on ALL THE KING'S MEN, followed by a report from the world premiere in New Orleans. I really like what Copernicus has to say about how he would have cast this story, but then I'm a whore for Joe Don Baker and believe he should be in everything ever made. Here's Copernicus and I'll be back to introduce the premiere report. Enjoy!

In ALL THE KING'S MEN it is painfully obvious that everyone involved is straining and striving for Oscars.  But unless there is a new award for carpetbagging, they ain't going to get any.

In recent memory, no movie has gone off the rails faster.  It starts in the opening scene, when Jude Law opens his mouth.  The nonsense that issues forth as this Brit tries contort his posh Queen's English into a lazy-mouthed southern drawl is like a slow-motion train wreck of vowels.  I remember thinking, "Oh no!  No!  No!  Surely this is a joke.  The curtain is going to come down and the movie is going to start over."  But instead it gets worse.  James Gandolfini's New Jersey-southern mishmash is actually so bad that it is going to detract from my enjoyment of the Sopranos.  He seems to be alternating accents mid-sentence between over exaggerated southern and New Jersey dockworker.  Sean Penn does a little better, which means that his accent is only intermittently bad.  He nails the long speeches, but can't get that authentic feel in shorter conversational scenes.  In all three cases you are always aware that these are actors doing voices, and you never believe them as characters.  You never get sucked into the story.  The result seems like big-budget community theater.

Sean Penn plays man of the-people turned corrupt political big shot Wille Stark, based on fabled Louisiana governor Huey Long.  We see him largely through the eyes of his political right-hand man and narrator, Jack Burden (Jude Law).  Rounding out the set of Stark's political cronies we have Patricia Clarkson as confidant Sadie Burke, James Gandolfini as dim-witted lug Tiny, and Jackie Earle Haley as the "enforcer" Sugar Boy.  Three characters define Burden's past, and catch up to him in the present -- father figure Judge Irwin (Anthony Hopkins), and childhood friends Anne and Adam Stanton (Kate Winslet and Mark Ruffalo).  In the swamps of Louisiana it is hard to avoid getting trapped in the muck as the web of corruption spun by Stark ensnares everyone he gets close to. 

The real Huey Long was as close a thing to a god as Louisiana ever produced.  If you wanted something done in Louisiana in late '20s or early '30s, you had to go through him. And his story is the seminal story of Louisiana politics, and one worthy of Shakespearean tragedy -- how ruthless ambition and the good 'ol boy network can lift you up and lay you low.  His state legislature tried to impeach him, but he outmaneuvered them.  His own lieutenant governor tried to wrest power from him, and Long used the National Guard to surround the capitol and maintain control.  Long was merciless with his enemies consolidated power with wild abandon.  He used every political trick in the book to maintain power, from rewarding loyal followers with rewards from the government coffers to ruining his enemies through any means at his disposal.  At the same time he did great things for the state, building bridges, hospitals, improving the universities and medical programs.  He took on the huge oil companies, and gave back to the people with social programs.  But finally, in a page right out of Julius Caesar, Long was assassinated in the Louisiana capitol building.  While some of the details have been changed and some stories are omitted in ALL THE KING'S MEN, the source material is epic in scope.  This makes it all the more heartbreaking that this movie failed to do it justice.

A pity the filmmakers didn't heed the moral of the story here of how big money and a firmly entrenched system of power can conspire to ruin the noblest of intentions.  They started with a Pulitzer Prize winning novel by Robert Penn Warren, from 1946.  It was then made into a Best Picture winning film in 1949.  The film was even deemed so culturally significant that it is preserved in the National Film Registry.  But when the story was put through the modern-day Hollywood artifice machine, concerned more with the box office draw of big stars than authenticity, we get the this pathetic ruination of something once great.

Nothing is authentic about ALL THE KING'S men.  It feels like a politician trying to convince you that he's from "down home," when he's just a fat cat yankee. It takes the kind of king-sized hubris that only Hollywood can muster to take a story with colorful characters, corruption, adultery, betrayal, blackmail, and assassination and turn it into a barely watchable exercise in how to ruin something.

There are a few bright spots in the cast -- notably they are from four actors who played their part with subtlety.  They acted like real people, not long-vowel-slinging caricatures.  Kate Winslet gives a perfectly adequate performance as Anne Stanton, the girl that got away from Jude Law's Jack Burden.  When any actor is onscreen that doesn't make you cringe, it counts for positive marks in this shambles, although Winslet is really only held back by the size of her role here.  Anthony Hopkins also rises above the rest of the cast, far above, in another limited role as Judge Irwin, a southern aristocrat and man of principle.  But unsurprisingly, the two actors that really sell it, who you can truly believe as characters are the ones who have lived in the south.  Patricia Clarkson is from New Orleans, and Jackie Earle Haley currently lives in Texas. 

In fact, in a few years if this film is remembered at all, it may be for an the happy accident of reintroducing Jackie Earle Haley to prominence.  After appearing in BAD NEWS BEARS and BREAKING AWAY in the late '70s and early '80s, Haley disappeared to San Antonio where he produces television commercials.  His role in ALL THE KING'S men is a bit part, but Kate Winslet was impressed enough that she recommended him to Todd Field for his upcoming film LITTLE CHILDREN.  Somehow Haley got the top-secret script for that film and produced an extensive audition tape for Field.  Field cast him as a man convicted of exposing himself to children who is struggling to blend back into the community after being released from prison, and Haley nailed it with one of the year's best performances, sure to land an Oscar nomination.

I can't help but imagine what a masterpiece ALL THE KING'S MEN could have been in the hands of people who could do this story justice, and at half the price.  In my dream world it would have been directed by the master of capturing the south on screen, David Gordon Green. Jude Law's role would have been played by Johnny Depp, who was born in Kentucky, and raised in Florida, or Harry Connick Jr., from New Orleans.  And Sean Penn's role would have gone to Joe Don Baker -- automatic Oscar right there.  But alas, in Hollywood, where the priorities are more on casting the hot actor of the moment rather than telling the story right, we get an echo of an echo of an echo, something so far removed from its source that it is now unrecognizable.

-Copernicus

Yikes. Maybe the next review, from "Tulane Student", will like the flick better?

Hello Harry,

I am a student at Tulane University in New Orleans, and I was one of the lucky students who got a ticket to the world premiere of "All the Kings Men" tonight. It was a well attended premiere. Steve Zaillian, Jude Law, Kate Winslet, James Gandolfini, Sean Penn, Patricia Clarkson, and Mark Ruffalo all did their little appearance before the film and then promptly left for the party across the street.

The movie, which was adapted for the screen and directed by Zaillian, is the story of how William Stark rises to power as governor of Louisiana. Jude Law plays the privileged reporter who becomes entangled with Stark and then wishes he had thought better of it. The movie is brilliantly shot and well directed. Cinematically it is beautiful, and the script keeps the movie very tight and clear. However, I wouldn't recommend getting up, or you'll miss something vital to the plot. The acting is all around excellent with Law, Penn, and Clarkson all turning in great performances that are at times (especially in the case of Penn) all too "Oscar" bait for my taste. Winslet is beautiful and Ruffalo is handsome and earnest, but beyond that are basically useless plot devices. Unfortunately, the same can be said of Anthony Hopkins in a small part that probably paid him very well to do very little.

Even if you don't know the story of Stark, the plot of the movie will be pretty evident about 15 minutes into it. When you have a plot with turns and an ending that are foregone conclusions, you need to have either political intrigue or an emotional connection to the characters to make the movie more than pretty. Unfortunately, "All the Kings Men" winds up being a very pretty, well directed, and well acted movie that just never really clicks. The relationships between Jude Law, Kate Winslet, Mark Ruffalo, and Sean Penn are where the dramatic punch of the movie lies, and it just never happens. While the blame is not easily placed, something about the entire production just felt like it never quite came together for me. Perhaps, the screen play was just too fast, or perhaps Sean Penn's performance, while excellent, never really seems to go beyond over-wrought speeches and wild gesticulating.

I still recommend "All the Kings Men", but with reservation. It want's so much to be an Oscar caliber film, but in that quest, it winds up being a no more than a passable two hours at the movies.

Just thought I would let you know. If you want to use a handle for the review, just call me "Tulane Student".

Thanks,

I hope this helps.