Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with our own MiraJeff who has the skinny on a couple Goldblum flicks. First up is MINI'S FIRST TIME, which sounds really fucked up and has a great cast including Carrie-Anne Moss, Goldblum, Nikki Reed, Alec Baldwin and Luke Wilson. PITTSBURGH sounds good, too. Could this be a comeback for everybody's favorite brundle of goodness?

Greetings AICN, MiraJeff here with a look at not one but two, TWO Jeff Goldblum movies, the dark comedy Mini’s First Time and the mockumentary Pittsburgh. Now, I must profess to always feeling a natural connection with Jeff Goldblum, because I’m also a Jewish guy named Jeff. I just never starred in Jurassic Park or made it past six feet. Regardless, Mini’s First Time is a star-studded indie from writer/director Nick Guthe. The titular Mini is a reckless teenager played by the reigning queen of reckless teenagers, Nikki Reed who co-wrote Thirteen at the same friggin’ age. Mini is the spoiled brat spawn of Diane (Carrie-Anne Moss), her neglectful, alcoholic, Hollywood socialite mother who is spectacularly unfit for the job. Diane is married to Martin (Alec Baldwin), Mini’s step-father, thank God, because if he were blood-related then what happens next would be too weird to watch.

Which begs the question, what does the titular First Time make reference to. I suppose there are several, but the one that takes the cake has to be Mini’s first time hooking. She lives in a Hollywood mansion so it’s not like she’s doing it for the money, it’s about the thrill of being some guy’s cheap, dirty whore. Of course she has no problem finding an escort service to employ her considerable assets, and she has no problem when her first trick turns out to be (surprise!) Martin. So Mini, being the nasty bitch that she is, pulls a True Lies on Martin and makes the room extra-dark so he doesn’t know it’s her, until after their sexual revolution of course. And after Martin does find out, he attempts to compensate by being the father-figure Mini always needed, although that doesn’t last long because she seduces him and they start fooling around right under Diane’s nose. Recognizing each other as soulmates from another generation, Mini and Martin (or is it just Mini?) hatch a plan to drive Diane so completely insane that she’ll either kill herself or so they can commit her and live together happily ever after. After that, I’m sure you’ve heard it before, hijinx ensue, and a promising dark comedy stumbles on its way to becoming pitch-black, a lot like Art School Confidential. But the stars do come out for the second act as Goldblum’s TV producer character sticks his nose where it’s not wanted and takes on a bigger role in things, while Luke Wilson shows up as a homicide detective if you catch my drift. The rest of the movie finds Mini and Martin struggling to maintain their platonic appearance and keep a low-key Wilson off their backs.

Mini’s First Time was a fun movie with a biting sense of humor very similar to last year’s Pretty Persuasion, but it never fully develops into the movie it should’ve been. This is one of those movies where we’re never really sure who’s playing who, and who is really in control of the situation, but as you might’ve guessed, Mini is predictably up to no good. Remember guys, there’s nothing more dangerous and manipulative than a beautiful woman scorned. With such a lousy mother, Mini has been forced to raise herself, and the result is a manipulative wild-child who won’t let anyone or anything stand in her way of being happy. The performances are okay but none of the actors’ best work. Reed’s got the goods but she might want to think about playing a different type of character her next time out. She’s better than a one-trick pony. Trinity (yes, that’s her name) plays the same loopy mom she did in last year’s abysmal The Chumscrubber, only with more venom, and frankly I found her character a little annoying and unbelievably stupid, although she’s definitely got the hot mom thing down cold now. I liked Wilson’s by-the-book detective but even he manages to be more low-key than usual, and that’s saying something. If anyone comes out on top and really transcends the material it’s Baldwin, who is doing voice-over promo for the X Games on ESPN as I type this. Creepy. I appreciated the cameo from former Celtic and Laker Rick Fox as a well-endowed masseuse who gives LA’s desperate housewives more than their fill. But again, I find myself coming back to the Goldblum, who is good for more than his share of laughs as Mini’s suspicious, flirtatious neighbor. If there’s any reason to give Mini’s First Time an out-and-out recommendation, it’s the Goldblum/Baldwin fight scene which is pretty awesomely over-the-top.

The writing is sharp for the most part, but overall, something didn’t quite jell for me. The film was produced by Kevin Spacey’s Trigger Street and I’m happy for Guthe that Mini’s First Time will be shown in theaters, because it was one of the more commercially viable films I saw at Tribeca. Actually, I’m pretty sure HBO Video actually just purchased the DVD rights. Mini’s First Time may not be the most accessible movie but it’s edgy and never boring which is more than I can say about most of the movies at the multiplex these days.

Pittsburgh

To be honest, I wasn’t sure Pittsburgh was a mockumentary while I watched and enjoyed it. It simply seemed too real to be fake. The fact that the action is scripted makes the film that much more inspired. It’s actually pretty brilliant. But to fully appreciate it, you’d have to definitely be either a) a fan of musical theater or b) a fan of Jeff Goldblum, but preferably, the ideal audience member is both.

We begin with an appropriate quote: The coward dies a thousand deaths. The brave man only five hundred.” I forgot to write down who said it but it doesn’t matter. The man in question is Goldblum, who decides to turn down a $4 million payday for The Island (a fictional offer and probably, a fictional fee too) to take a two-week job as Professor Harold Hill in a Pittsburgh regional theater production of The Music Man. What kind of idiot would such a thing? Only a fool in love of course, and it’s true that Jeff signs up for the gig in order to get his 23 year-old Canadian fiancé a work Visa. He reminisces about the last time he did regional theater, some 23 years ago but he’s taking the role for her and they’re cast as a package. At the time of the film, Goldblum says he’s 51 years-old, but as one fan notes, he hasn’t aged a bit. He’s positively glowing as he tap dances at his first audition for an overzealous theater director who tells Jeff “you weren’t my first choice.” Which is funny of course, because Goldblum has worked with directors like Spielberg and Emmerich, so who the hell is this schmuck?

At the Q+A after the film, Goldblum said he wanted to do a Larry David-type thing and like “Curb Your Enthusiasm” the star has a quirky cast of famous friends, including Ileana Douglas, who Goldblum first worked with on The Larry Sanders Show where they also played themselves. Upon arriving, Douglas sighs, “Here we are. Pittsburgh. I’m gonna kill myself.” The Jeff Garlin role is almost filled (he’s got big shoes, c’mon) by Ed Begley Jr. who enlists Jeff’s celebrity in a cockamamie solar power infomercial and drags him on a public access television show that “Martha Stewart and Chris Guest watch regularly.” Begley is pretty funny, and shows he hasn’t lost a step since those Meet the Applegates days. The best supporting character though has to be none other than Moby, who is depicted as a horny perv who relishes his fan mail. Uncomfortable with Moby’s amateur porn fetish, Goldblum excuses himself from the apartment with the choice phrase, “let me get out of your hair.” Conan O’Brien also appears in a segment and manages to get in the best digs at Goldblum who must come to terms with going second on the show, sandwiched between Ashley Judd and Alanis Morisette. The first half of the film sets up Goldblum’s fictional life and the second half focuses on the actual production of The Music Man as rehearsals intensify and Jeff learns the songbook, blocking, timing, etc. With his wide-eyed expressions and constant hand movement, Goldblum plays himself as the ultimate mensch. It’s an experimental role in an experimental film, and Goldblum has a ball with the material, squeezing every possible joke out of it. Sometimes, the guy is so painful to watch, you can’t help but laugh at him, and there is no room for boredom during the compact 80-minute running time. Pittsburgh is a fantastic comedy with a unique premise and a star who isn’t afraid to laugh at himself. Who needs Hollywood pretentiousness when there are actors like Goldblum out there who care more about the material than the money. Mazel Tov to the filmmakers and everyone who played a long for the sake of big laughs.

The coolest thing about the screening was that just before the lights went down, a really tall guy wearing a hat sat down in front of me. He took the hat off for a second and this wave of red hair popped out. It was Conan O’Brien. And he stayed through the end credits. I worked up the nerve to introduce myself and just after I congratulated him on his performance in the movie, The Man Himself, Jeff Goldblum, walked up and interrupted us. Suddenly I was squeezed out by these two gigantic men and after exchanging some words with one of the Late Night producers, I left dejected. And that’s when I ran into The Woman Herself, Sarah Silverman, a Hebrew goddess. I pulled out my card and nervously approached her. She looked at me shaking like a fanboy loser, signaled at the card in my outstretched hand and said, “Is that for me?” I introduced myself (she’s a fan of the site) and asked if she was looking for an assistant. This was, admittedly, a long shot. She looked me up and down again and asked, “You’re an assistant?” I lied and shook my head yes. She laughed and went on her merry away. Guess it was a longer shot than I thought.

That’ll do it for me, folks. I’ll be back soon with a look at some of Eddie Kaye Thomas’ finest work, and reviews of Shadowboxer, Little Miss Sunshine, and yes, Monster House. Can’t wait to meet the L.A. fan base tonight. You know who you are. Shoot me an email at my NEW AICN ADDRESS mirajeff@aintitcool.com ‘Til next time, this is MiraJeff signing off…