I am – Hercules!!

Previously. On AICN: Coaxial News.

I’m trying to stay off the pipe, but I've got one so good my sponsors - my Spoiler Anonymous sponsors - are encouraging me to drop a hint. Here’s the 2004 edition, as we head into the big fall season:

Two – count ‘em – two regular characters on one of Herc’s very favorite TV series of all time will die before the 2004-05 season staggers to completion. Regulars, I say. Regular regulars. We're talking title credits. Die forever. And completely. Not back at all. Ever. Not a trick, hoax or imaginary story. Really gonna happen.

For those new to the site, just some of the Herc’s all-time favorite series:
Gilmore Girls
The O.C.
The Simpsons
Survivor
24
The West Wing

For the record, I do not regard “Smallville” as one of my all-time favorite series, though it still stands head and shoulders above “Lois & Clark.”

That’s all you get, bitch. Hug it out, and if you think I lie, we’ll talk after Memorial Day.

Or sooner. Since last Saturday’s post, talkback and the Mt. Olympus emailbox alike have been flooded with queries. So here goes with some answers.

Two characters from one of your all-time favorite shows dies before the end of the 2004-05 season? Is it Lorelai’s parents, Richard and Emily Gilmore?
No. Those aren’t the characters I was talking about at all. As far as I know they survive the season.

But I thought another site reported Richard and Emily die in a car accident this year! Talkbacker “Darth Homercles” wrote: “It is Richard and Emily on GG. They're supposed to start to reconcile towards the end of Feb at the behest of Lorelai. It's all Whedonly tragic. It's been talked about since the summer. Why's Herc just now spouting off about this?” Talkbacker “BurlIvesLeftNut” wrote: “It's old news. Check spoiler sites. besides Rory is from my home town and in an interview with the Houston Chronical, she made it pretty clear.”
It’s still news to me. If Darth Homercles, BurlIvesLeftNut or anyone else can identify and link to the source of the Richard & Emily info, please post it in talkback ASAP. Include the byline so I can phone the author.

Do any of the characters on “Gilmore” die this season?
If any “Gilmore” regulars pass away ever, it better be because the actors who played them died also. One of the best casts (in one of the best-written shows) ever. I agree with the assertion that “Gilmore” haters are a bunch of assclowns. I can’t believe some of you want to see Kirk die. Kirk rules.

This doesn’t exactly answer the question.
As far as I know, no “Gilmore” regulars meet death this season.

Are they two characters on “The Simpsons”?
As far as I know, no “Simpsons” characters will die this season. But I do love the idea of Selma and Patty succumbing to the ravages of tobacco.

Did your Big Season Death post refer to two characters from “King of the Hill” or any other animated show?
No.

Is it two regulars from “Lost”?
No. The soon-to-be deceased are not characters from a new series. As much as I love the show, I can’t declare “Lost” one of my all-time favorite series; I’ve only seen its pilot!

Is it Jack Bauer and Jed Bartlet?
No. Remember, it’s two characters from ONE of Herc’s favorite shows.

How could it be anybody from “24” when Jack Bauer is the only returning character this season?
Chloe O’Brien will be back also, and David Palmer as well, from what we hear. But the two characters to whom I referred are not connected to “24.” Trust me: two regulars dying on “24” isn’t big news. If I learn that two regular characters on “24” are perishing, I’d better be naming names.

Does “Alias” qualify as one of your all-time favorite shows?
Definitely. And there are others as well.

“The OC” qualifies as one of your favorite shows? Isn’t that the new “90210”?
“The OC” is absolutely one of my all-time favorite shows. I don’t even consider it a guilty pleasure. “Beverly Hills 90210” was one of the worst shows ever made. It’s almost as bad as “Central Park West,” “Melrose Place,” “Miss Match,” “Sex in the City” and the other shitty shows created by Darren Star.

It can’t be two regulars from “The West Wing,” can it?
It better not be. That White House staff has already suffered more physical abuse that any other administration in the history of history. If the show was to kill off two staffers this season, it would only sound the enterprise’s death knell.

So you’re ruling out “West Wing” characters?
Not at this time.

Is it the Rory Cochrane character from “CSI: Miami” part of the equation?
No. There is not a huge gap between the two deaths. Besides, “CSI: Miami” is not one of my favorite shows.

So the deaths occur simultaneously?
In terms of screen time, they occur within minutes of each other.

But the deaths occur during sweeps?
I will only say they do not occur during November sweeps.

Is one of the deaths Caleb from “The O.C.”?
No.

Is one of the deaths Donnatella Moss from “West Wing”?
No.

Is a car accident involved?
Definitely not.

Wouldn’t killing off Marissa from “The O.C.” solve a lot of problems?
It might.

What about Chloe from “Smallville”?
“Smallville” is not one of my all-time favorite shows. And I’m pretty sure last season’s finale was just silliness and (unfortunately) all will be back to normal very soon.

Is “Enterprise” one of Herc’s all-time favorites?
Let me cheat like mad here and confirm only that “Star Trek” is one of my all-time favorite TV franchises.

It’s not two people on a reality show, is it?
No. Think about it: If a real person died, we’d likely have heard, yes?

Is it Flava Flav and Brigitte Nielsen from “Surreal Life”?
For the purposes of this discussion, we will consider “Surreal Life” a reality show.

I am – Hercules!!

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