Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with my opinion of the next big summer extravaganza, I, ROBOT. Where to begin, where to begin...

I had been giving this movie the benefit of the doubt for a while. "I trust Proyas" was my mantra whenever someone brought up how shitty they thought the movie was going to be. I figured since I wasn't very well versed in Asimov's writing that whether or not it was a good adaptation wouldn't even come into play with my enjoyment of the film. I liked the last couple of trailers... the tone was moody, the effects looked pretty spectacular and the action looked top notch. In particular I loved that slow-mo bit of Chi McBride blowing away those two robots with the shotgun.

So, no matter what I knew I had Alex (DARK CITY) Proyas behind the camera and could at least count on a good looking popcorn action flick, right? Unfortunately, the film couldn't decide what it wanted to be... Moody, intimate smart sci-fi or hollow blockbuster action with pretty CG effects, so the viewer is robbed of either.

Will Smith, who I was actually rooting for being a success in the film, turns out to be terribly miscast... Well, maybe not. The character is tailored to Smith's MiB personality, which totally does not fit with the rest of the film. I'd be willing to bet that when Smith signed on a lot of the Will Smith-isms were added into the film, without much regard to keeping the tone of the film intact. I mean, near the beginning of the movie Smith's character, a cop named Spooner, is standing over the dead body of someone who he claims to have been close with and is throwing out wisecracks left and right.

I like Smith's charisma, but what this character sorely needed was for an actor to take the role seriously and really sell the mixed love and hate he feels for robots. Imagine if in BLADE RUNNER, Harrison Ford played Deckard like he played the pilot in SIX DAYS SEVEN NIGHTS. The character of Spooner had some really interesting internal conflicts and reasoning behind his hatred for robots and if the movie had taken itself more than half-seriously then it could have been a great, smart sci-fi modern classic.

But before it could have taken that mantel, it must also have been rewritten. Every set up is overplayed, every plot turn is obvious from a mile away... In short, everything is expected and telegraphed so the dumbest person in the audience will feel in on the gag before it happens. The main story is there, but any subtlety in character, structure or plot is out the window. I wondered why until the final credits rolled and big and bright on the silver screen came the name Akiva Goldsman. Yes, the genius behind BATMAN & ROBIN and LOST IN SPACE. It made sense. I might have actually been more impressed if I knew he wrote it beforehand because while it's broad and homogenized it's far from painful.

I wish I could say that while the film has all those faults, at least Proyas was always on the top of his game. I wish I could, but I can't. He's on the mark most of the time, but working off a script with terrible pacing issues (all the big action, minus the "Get off my car!!!" bit, is in the last 15 minutes of the movie) left its mark. The style of the film is good, but constantly nullified by having Smith shoot of a bad wisecrack or Bridget Moynahan giving a terrible, wordy and clichéd performance. And there are some awkward fast moving/revolving camera shots, especially during the climax of the film, that would give Uwe Boll a hard-on. Out of place, confusing and just plain overkill.

The robots are cool, both the new and older models. They did a good job of designing the C4s... who look sad and totally non-threatening, while the C5s are creepily human. The effects are well done on the robots (not so much on the futuristic city of Chicago, which looked very 2-D to me), especially on Sonny ("I did not murder him!!!!")... By the way, that robot is voiced by Steve the fuckin' Pirate from DODGEBALL! Who woulda known? But while the robots look cool and all the Sonny trying to understand and deal with his human emotions is well done... It's nothing new. We've seen that struggle in damn near every recent movie with an android or robot in it.

There are some decent laughs in the film, some good action scenes (not nearly the amount promised in the trailers, though) and although Smith is terribly miscast he does exude that Fresh Prince charm of his. Although, he did that in WILD WILD WEST, too, and that didn't make that turd any more likable. The supporting cast is wasted. Chi McBride plays damn near the same character he did in UNDERCOVER BROTHER, which was a spoof of character like the one he's playing in I, ROBOT. I believe that there's a great action role in McBride's future. He's got the attitude and he does look badass wielding a shotgun in slow motion. Shia LaBeouf is a pointless character that is in the movie for 40 seconds at the very beginning and 80 seconds near the very end, but at least he has one good line at the end, the only line in the film to make me laugh.

From someone who knows next to nothing about Asimov's writing... from a viewer who was hoping for an entertaining ride with some thrills and great eye-candy... Count me disappointed. The movie could have been something us robot geeks creamed our jeans over, but instead it's a rather dull film with a few entertaining spots.

That's it from me, squirts! I'm busy preparing for Comic-Con and I've already lined up some juicy exclusive interviews and have my schedule all worked out. Look for some really cool stuff from my coverage this year! 'Til then, this is Quint bidding you all a fond farewell and adieu.

-Quint