I am – Hercules!!

Hardball

• “I got some good stuff for you today, Chris.”
• “Look at President Bush's recent accomplishments. He pilotted that fighter jet himself and landed on the aircraft airier. People love that. He caught Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden and made them wrestle each other in a cage match. Two years ago, he came up with the idea for ‘Joe Millionaire.’ He's amazing.” “Uh-huh. And does it bother you that none of that's true?”
• “Well, the Democrats' biggest problem is no one recognizes the candidates. They need someone universally adored. The only shot they have is to lower the voting age to 6 and nomate SpongeBob SquarePants.”
• “I was taken out of context. When i said gay sex was as bad as man on dog sex, i meant man on male dog. Sex between a human male and a female dog, I have no problem with.” “Good lord, this is better than I thought.”
• C+

Monologue: Dan Aykroyd: “Time Won’t Let Me”

• “We are the world-famous dancing refrigerators.”
• “I can't wait forever even though you want me to.”
• “I can't wait forever to know if you'd be true.
• “Time won't let me.”
• B-

Top O’ The Morning

• “Today's show is brought to you by Colin Farrell antibacterial cream.” You put this on when you can't remember where you put it last night.”
• “It is true that Mr. Fitzpatrick has the most powerful and accurate seed.” “That's right. I hit what I aim for. Aiden, Lorkin, Knon, get over there with Conan, Shawna, Shadea, Claren, Owen. Ah, Joseph! What did we say? Not until you're 13.”
• “Fiona. Fiona, there you are. My apology, but this one likes to get into walls.”
• C-

Buddy Mills

• “Anyway, my ex-wife is so ugly, she goes to the zoo and the monkeys take pictures of her. Wait a - what the -”
• “Anyway, our first guest used to be my best friend until 1984, when he beat me out of the role of the voice of Tailor Smurf. We finally made up last month at his girlfriend's funeral. Please welcome Donnie ‘The Finger’ Gabiffky.”
• “She was a real peach until she totalled my Grand Prix that I bought that car with all that Smurf money I made. Girl went through money faster than a japanese tourist goes through a roll of film. Yeah, you heard me.”
• D+

The Falconer

• “Oh, Donald, my time is running out. Oh, how I rue the day I took down the ‘beware of quicksand’ sign.”
• “Yeah, looks like The Claw's making out with your old lady right now!”
• “What I wouldn't give to be two inches taller. Oh, Donald, you returned. And you brought with you a snorkel, the perfect means to survive while you search for another way to save me. And until you do, you will be the falcon. And I will remain the falconer.”
• A

TV Funhouse: Cokee, The Most Expensive Dog in the World

• “It's a demoguette. It's an incredibly rare breed. Their heads look like Robert Duvall.”
• “I mean, it's weird seeing him bark, you know? Maybe if it said something, like, ‘I like napalm" and split.’”
• “Get out of here! I did three ‘Daredevil’ sequels to pay for a James Woods?”
• B+

Donatella Versace’s Backyard Barbeque

• “Mm, something smells fantastic. Is that grilled pork? No. Just my arm.”
• “What is it?!! What is it?!! Get out of here!!!”
• “Estevan, you are an f'ing genius. I love you like you came out of here.”
• B

America, behold: Beyonce featuring Jay Z!

• “Got me looking so crazy right now.”
• “Your love's got me looking so crazy right now.”
• “Got me looking so crazy right now.”
• A

Update

• “‘American idol’ is now down to its final two contestants Ruben and Clay, in what is sure to be the ultimate battle of the sexes.”
• The Times finally caught Blair in a lie during the war in Iraq, when he claimed to be embedded in Ashleigh Banfield.”
• “ABC announced this week that John Stossel will join Barbara Walters as co-host of the newsmagazine show ‘20/20,’ while Hugh Downs will simply be rolled three feet to the left and never told.”
• B

Astronaut Jones

• “Hold it, Earth. My chief science officer may have found something.”
• “They said if we see any space monsters, we should beat it.” “I'm afraid it's too late. Look at that.”
• “Oh, come on. Cut the crap, Maya. You know I've been wanting to get you pregnant.”
• B-

Doggie Restaurant

• “There you are. One ice cold toilet bowl water.”
• “I recommend it. The pellets are fresh and chewy. And Chef Otis personally inates on all the grass we serve.”
• “Excuse me. But because of the new butt-sniffing ban, I will have to ask you to take that outside.”
• D-

Again, the soul fire of Beyonce!

• “With you next to me there's no darkness I can't overcome.”
• “You are my raindrops I am a seed.”
• “With you and God who's my sunlight, I'm blooming.”
• C

Dr. Deacon’s Haunch-Crack Powder

• “As a rancher, I know how hot, humid weather can make riding, cutting weeds and other chores prickly and uncomfortable in those hard-to-scratch seams and creases Since 1879, Dr. Deacon's hot crack powder has eased the posterior crevice itch associated with farm labor and brought lasting relief to millions of men living the western lifestyle.”
• “Mm, that feels cool. 'Cause it's medicated. Takes care of the chafing and dries things up right away. Forms an easy-to-remove scented paste coil.”
• “Order Dr. Deacon's Haunch-Crack powder now and get a free box of Dr. Deacon's Ball-Seam Sweat Absorber Pads. In a handy travel pack, and they're reusable.”
• B+

Herc’s rating for “Saturday Night Live” 28.20?

***

The Hercules T. Strong Rating System:

• ***** better than we deserve
• **** better than most motion pictures
• *** actually worth your valuable time
• ** as horrible as most stuff on TV
• * makes you quietly pray for bulletins

I got a fever – and the only prescription – is more cowbell!!

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