I am – Hercules!!

Four ways I suspect the producers of “The Surreal Life” screwed the pooch going in:

1. Casting. The “Celebrity Mole” producers were very very smart to inject Kathy Griffin into the mix to make fun of the game, the host, the other contestants and herself, and “The Surreal Life” should have pursued the same strategy. Hire a really mean and funny comic – I’m thinking Gilbert Gottfried, David Cross, Stephen Colbert, Patton Oswalt, Janeane Garofalo, Adam Corolla, Colin Quinn – to mock the Motley Crue guy, to taunt the former child actors, to quiz the “Baywatch” actress on current events. (Pay this comic a little more that the others; it’s the smartest money the producers could spend).

2. Length of stay. Ten days is not enough time for nerves to fray properly. It’s too easy for these showbiz outcasts to maintain facades. I would have gone with 90 days.

3. Strategy. There should be brutal competitions and hotly contested ejection votes.

4. Sequestation. The “celebs” should be locked up tight in that house with no contact with the outside world, “Big Brother” style. No visits from coke dealers. No cell calls to girlfriends. No “Anna Nicole”-like excursions to the market.

Still, it can’t be any worse than “Will & Grace," right? Here's "Dmann," who's actually seen "The Surreal Life":

Surreal Life 1.1 FAQ

What’s it called?

“On the Beach.”

What does TV Guide say?

"The reality cast features Jerri Manthey (Survivor: The Australian Outback), Emmanuel Lewis (Webster), rapper-turned-preacher MC Hammer, Corey Feldman ("The Goonies"), Gabrielle Carteris (Beverly Hills, 90210), Brande Roderick (Baywatch Hawaii) and Motley Crue's Vince Neil. The "stars" move into a Hollywood Hills mansion and are filmed going about their daily lives over the course of 10 days. The opener features a group trip to the grocery store that necessitates a crash course in home economics and sparks a debate over the moral motivations behind vegetarianism."

What is TV Guide not telling us?

First and foremost, the house once belonged to Glen Campbell, and it makes any of the Ikea-laden "phat pads" of the Real World. Once the episode gets going, it's very Feldman-centric, what with his recovering from alcoholism, his open relationship with his fiancée, his vegetarianism, and him planning to get married on the last day of the show, it looks like he may continue to overshadow the other housemates, with the possible exception of Hammer.

Who is rooming with whom?

Vince Neil and Corey Feldman decide that they both fly the freak flag high enough to be roomies. Hammer and Emanuel Lewis take the bunk bed, leaving Jerri Manthey to try and survive Gabrielle Carteris and Brande Roderick, oh, and Brande's dog.

So, basically they mixed the "Osbournes" with "The Real World, eh?

Yes, more or less, there is also a custom made tabloid newspaper delivered every morning, shades of the Survivor tree-mails! Vince Neil provides the bleeped swear words, Gabrielle Carteris has a blonde version of Sharon Osbourne's wig. From the real world, we have the house, the confessional, and the archetype casting. Neil is the bad boy, Feldman the drama king, Lewis is the nice guy, Manthey is the bitch, Carteris is the mom and Hammer is the religious guy.

They are all in the house, what the hell do they do?

Hang, out, shoot the crap, argue, wait for Gerri Manthey's slow ass to show up. When she does, she comes in the middle of dinner, in full Survivor bitch mode.

Is everyone cool, any pettyness or ego?

Jerri gets the brunt, both because she is late, and because NONE of them know who she is. They don't think she belongs there, they don't know why she is there, but they sure have heard that she's a bitch! Brande thought Robin Givens was going to be in the cast, Corey Feldman doesn't think she is up to his level of fame, Hammer did the "street research" on her reputation, and Vince Neil looks like he wants to nail her, but in fairness, he looks like he wants to nail everyone, including Feldman and Lewis.

That's it?

No. They play true confessions, which is kind of interesting and fun, until Vince Neil talks about the death of his daughter. Wanna see a room of celebs go dead as a doornail? Hit that one point that all of them can relate to.

What's good?

The summer camp atmosphere, Lewis' infectious laugh, watching Carteris teach Neil to knit, the "meet the neighbors" segment (what would you do if Webster and the guy from Dream a Little Dream showed up with a plate of brownies at your door?) When they get back, there's a naked woman covered in sushi as dinner. For the record, Hammer, Lewis, and Feldman refuse to partake, all for different reasons. All of the women dig RIGHT in, so get your thrills, fanboys!

What's not so good?

The insanely long time it takes to get things going, the fact that they have to overblow every tiny thing that happens, when there is plenty of drama. There is a whole 1 minute spent on Neil talking about losing his little girl, and over all, there seems to be a lot of camaraderie building already, which seems to be glossed over. These people seem to all have a little more than their archetype, hopefully further episodes will show us this.

Dmann’s rating for “The Surreal Life” 1.1?

**

The Hercules T. Strong Rating System:

• ***** better than we deserve
• **** better than most motion pictures
• *** actually worth your valuable time
• ** as horrible as most stuff on TV
• * makes you quietly pray for bulletins