Yikes! AICN’s not-movie blue strip has been so active it’s pushed the last “Buffy” review into the nether regions. Or has it? An encore presentation of the …

Buffy 7.9 FAQ

What’s it called?

“Never Leave Me.”

Who’s responsible?

Teleplay is credited to genius newcomer Drew Goddard (“Selfless,” “Conversations With Dead People”).

What does TV Guide say?

“Spike is held captive in the Summers home while the Scoobies ponder their options in the aftermath of his murder spree; a squeamish Andrew (Tom Lenk) tries to master killing; Buffy contacts the Watchers' Council for advice. Quentin: Harris Yulin. Butcher: Donald Bishop. Phillip: Oliver Muirhead.”

Is Giles’ new name “Nearly Headless Rupert”??

Impossible to say. This episode is Head-free. Er, free of Anthony Stewart Head, we should clarify.

So we’re now sure Spike was possessed? It wasn’t the shapeshifter in Spike-face?

We confirm this week fairly definitively that a possessed Spike has been siring vampires. He’s sort of a Manchurian vampire now, carrying out Morphy’s evil plans when triggered by a song.

Andrew killed Jonathan two weeks ago! Is he pwopewly punished??

It’s a tough week for Andrew. Things start to go sour for him when he runs into the girl who separated Warren from his skin last season.

The big news?

“When did your chip stop working?” “I wasn’t aware that it had, you know. Not till now.”

The other big news?

Camden Toy, who played Gnarl in “Same Time, Same Place” and one of The Gentlemen in “Hush,” returns this week.

Does Toy play a Gentleman or Gnarl?

He plays a new character. “The Ubervampire.”

The other other big news?

This is probably the last new “Buffy” till Christmas at least, so there’s all manner of news. Big news about the Watcher’s Council, big news about Spike, big news about Principal Wood.

What else is TV Guide not telling us?

Giles is missing, and the Watcher’s Council is keeping Buffy in the dark.

Is Quentin back in Sunnydale?

No, but he does announce his intention to return there. “We'll be paying a visit to the hellmouth,” he announces to his troubled fellow watchers. “My friends, these are the times that define us.”

Do finally get to see the Watchers’ HQ?

We do. Cynthia LaMontagne, Oliver Muirhead and Kris Iyer all return as the watchers who came with Travers to Sunnydale in “Checkpoint.”

Do the slayers-in-training come to Sunnydale?

Not this week.

Does anyone come to Sunnydale?

The hooded figures. Morphy will refer to them this week as “my harbingers.”

Ah! So there’s a slayer-in-training/Morphy connection?

Buffy and Quentin independently make reference to the First Evil this week, and Buffy connects the dots when she gets a good look at hooded ones. “I know these guys. I fought them before. We aren't being haunted. This isn't some demon. It's all the same thing. Spike's ghosts, the people that you guys saw, ‘from beneath us.’ It's all the same thing. I know what we're up against. The First.”

Who does the murderous Nerd of Doom Andrew try to kill?

A pig.

Does Andrew wear a Spike-esque leather duster?

Yep.

What’s doing with Xander and Anya? Is there kissing? Meaningful glances?

They’re busy working over Andrew for info.

Does Buffy hook up? What about Willow?

Buffy admits to recognizing that Spike is a changed man. Nothing romantic this week on the Willow front.

What’s up with Dawn? Any “alone time” with Kit?

What? No! Dawn is responsible for giving Principal Wood the news that Buffy is taking a “sick day.” Dawn says it’s flu, but it’s actually Spike’s condition that keeps Buffy home.

What’s good?

All the stuff going on with the watchers. The arrival of the harbingers. Xander’s unwillingness to pile on Spike. Principal Wood’s “positively exhausting” lecture. Dawn’s recap of Buffy’s flue symptoms. Andrew’s Smithers-like far-away look when he thinks of Patrick Swayze. Travers’ typically condescendingly two-faced phone conversation with the active slayer. Xander and Anya’s (but especially Anya’s) interrogation techniques. (“The weasel wants to sing. He just needs a tune!”) Xander’s tale of the empty blackness. Spike’s self-hatred and the pure, sad clarity of his love for Buffy. How completely skinny and beautiful Alyson Hannigan looks this week. The First’s homage to “RoboCop.” Xander’s knowledge of sleeper cinema. Willow’s subtextual acknowledgement of Buffy’s feelings for Spike. The business with pretty-boy principal Robin Wood. Spike’s self-loathing. Buffy’s resolve. The (false) promise of Emma Caulfield’s naked butt as Anya roughs up Andrew in her low-rise trousers. Giles’ mysterious absence. What the butcher calls Andrew.

What’s not so good?

Herc retracts what he said a few hours ago about the Spike-Buffy scenes seeming “mechanical and obvious and too long.” And his rash comments about the comedy being on a “low boil.” Herc resolves not to judge anymore while previewing episodes at 4 a.m. While he continues to believe this isn’t quite as good an installment as Goddard’s first solo outing, “Selfless,” he now readily admits that “Never Leave Me” is funny and moving and in no way lacking in the plot department.

How does it end, spoiler-boy?

“Now, Spike. Want to see what a real vampire looks like?” (Interesting note: this line is spoken off-screen and is not transcribed in the closed captioning. Perhaps there was a last-minute decision to let the audience know what they’re looking at in that final shot?)

Last “Buffy” of sweeps? Wha – how long till the next “Buffy”?

If you say your prayers and eat all your vegetables, I’m guessing we’ll get two new episodes between now and Jan. 28.

Herc’s rating for “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” 7.9?

****1/2

The Hercules T. Strong Rating System:

• ***** better than we deserve
• **** better than most motion pictures
• *** actually worth your valuable time
• ** as horrible as most stuff on TV
• * makes you quietly pray for bulletins

8 p.m. Tuesday. UPN.

I am – Hercules!!

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