Buffy 6.16 FAQ

What’s it called?

“Hell’s Bells.”

Who’s responsible?

Teleplay is credited to Rebecca Rand Kirshner (“Tabula Rasa”).

What did Herc say about 6.16 in his Jan. 11 spoilers?

* The teaser of 6.16 features Buffy and Willow trying on their hideous bridesmaid dresses.

* There are tons of demons coming to the wedding. Some are even houseguests. Tentacled demons. Bird-like demons. Floppy-eared demons (perhaps to explain Anya’s fear of the hare).

* We finally meet Xander’s folks (the hard-drinking Anthony and tightly-wound Jessica Harris). Pop Harris isn’t too happy to find a warty demon raiding Xander’s fridge. Xander explains away the freakish appearance of Anya’s friends by claiming they’re circus people.

* Xander’s dad will come to do a technicolor yawn into Buffy’s purse during the rehearsal dinner. The demons come to fear Tony Harris.

* Mrs. Harris routinely refers to the groom as “Alexander.”

* We get a good hard look at other branches of Xander’s scary family tree, including glimpses of his oft-married fiftysomething second cousin Carol, his never-married fiftysomething second cousin Weezy (another female), his Aunt Betty and the ancient Great Uncle Harry.

* Xander speaks the last words of the teaser: “There is nothing on earth that can stop this wedding now!”

* A creepy old dude turns up rather ominously. At the end of act one, the crusty fellow will claim to be -- FutureXander!!!! (He also claims to carry a magical orb from FutureWillow!)

* Buffy tells Xander: “I kind of missed my chance with you, didn’t I?”

* Spike attends the festivities and defiantly nuzzles a non-slayer girl.

* Via magic, we’re offered a glimpse of Xander’s future, and even meet his alleged offspring, Josh and (wait for it) Sarah! Xander is a beer-swilling oaf, a swollen Anya sells cosmetics, and the little Harrises are borderline-feral. Anorexia and unplanned pregnancy may attend their young-adult years.

* Floppy-eared Sarah takes after her demon parent (and we may not be talking about Anya)!

* When Xander seems to have disappeared by the end of act three, Anya confronts “FutureXander.”

What did Herc say about this one in his Jan. 16 spoilers?

* Tara does indeed attend the Xander-Anya wedding “festivities” in 6.16, the big Xander-Anya wedding episode.

* Dawn momentarily befriends an embarassed demon teen.

* D’Hoffryn is not “FutureXander.” But he does accept Anya’s invitiation to attend the wedding.

* A drunken Tony Harris trades blows with a tentacled demon, and sets off a major human-demon melee!!

* Dazed from his “visions” of the future, Xander checks into a truly appalling motel.

* Buffy endeavors to entertain an anxious human-demon crowd.

Did Herc’s source get it right?

Pretty much.

What did Herc’s source get wrong?

Buffy’s line about “missed my chance with you” doesn’t happen. There’s still a magic orb, but it’s no longer connected to FutureWillow.

What does TV Guide say?

“On the day of his wedding to Anya, Xander (Nicholas Brendon) gets cold feet about their prospective life together when an odd stranger offers him a glimpse into the future. D'Hoffryn: Andy Umberger. Anya: Emma Caulfield. Clem: James C. Leary. Hallie: Kali Rocha. Giles: Anthony Stewart Head. Mr. Harris: Casey Sander. Mrs. Harris: Lee Garlington. Buffy: Sarah Michelle Gellar.”

The big news?

The guy claiming to be FutureXander is actually some dude Anyanka cursed back in 1914. Now he’s looking for some vengeance of his own.

The less-big news?

The scenes of Xander’s future seemed kind of funny on the page, but they’re played for real tragedy on screen, with the sad music and everything. (Also, Buffy is not around in this future, if you catch the drift.)

Does Rupert Giles turn up this week?

He does not. Not even to phone in congrats. Despite what TV Guide would seem to indicate.

Do any “Buffy” alums turn up for the nups? Cordy? Oz? Faith?

There are no unexpected former regulars.

The Nerds of Doom sit it out again?

They do.

Any sign of Fantastico?

Nope.

Any Buffy-Spike sex?

Nope. The sparks are obviously still there, as well as a lot of obvious mutual affection, but Buffy’s determined to stay the vampire-free course.

Anyone learn of the Buffy-Spike sex?

Nope.

What’s the what with Will and Tara?

More seeming movement toward reconciliation. There’s much shared amusement as the pair button Anya into her wedding dress. Also, one pulls the other to safety during the demon-human melee.

Does Will go back on the pipe?

Nope.

What’s great?

“God, Buffy, look at its arms!” Uncle Rory’s terrifying midsection. Tony Harris’ relentlessly loutish disposition. Spike's goodbye. The sadness in Anya’s face as she realizes her dream day is flying apart. Other stuff Herc might list after he gets a little sleep.

What’s not so great?

This has got to be the most depressing “Buffy” since the slayer told Spike she thought she was yanked out of heaven.

How does it end, spoiler-boy?

With the miracle that is inviso-text! D’Hoffryn offers Anya her old job back.

Herc’s rating for “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” 6.16?

***

The Hercules T. Strong Rating System:

• ***** better than we deserve
• **** better than most motion pictures
• *** actually worth your valuable time
• ** as horrible as most stuff on TV
• * makes you quietly pray for bulletins

I am – Hercules!!

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