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I am – Hercules!!
Now is the winter of our discontent, as we endure this rerunny wasteland between November and February sweeps. The good news is we are afforded time to pause, reflect, and name the best shows on television this past year.
PART ONE:
The 10 Best Series of 2001
1. Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Ignore the talkbackers who moan about the show’s decline. Having very recently reviewed almost all of the FX reruns, we can declare with some confidence that the folks behind “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” continue to crank out some of the best installments of the series’ remarkable five-year run.
Most will remember 2001 for the slayer’s five-month dirt nap -- but it was also the year of:
- the hammer-wielding troll-god;
- head watcher Quentin Travers’ demotion to butt-monkey;
- Drusilla’s trimphant return (to Sunnydale and comic form);
- the Scoobs coping with Joyce’s demise;
- the April- and Buffybots;
- Tara’s stolen brain;
- Willow going Marvel Girl;
- Giles going Miracleman;
- the Nerds of Doom;
- the mummy hand;
- Dawn’s first glimpse of demon penis;
- the slayer’s inability to ingest spirits noiselessly;
- the world-beating musical episode;
- kissy-faced Giles and Anya getting their memories back just a little too late;
- Willow updating Amy about her prom date with Larry;
- Buffy learning she “came back wrong”; and
- the slayer’s willingness to forgive the friend who almost smooshed her kid sister.
There was certainly no dearth of geniusy dialogue this year, to wit: “Can it be babies?” “Willow’s a demon?” “You’re the big bad!” “The god of bad home perms!” “I owe you PAIN!” “I may be a monster, but you treat me like a man.” “Willow, I need service!” “Action is his reward.” “If my heart could beat, it would break my chest!” "Help me out here, Spock. I don't speak loser."
Herc’s very favorite part of Buffy ’01, however, was the ongoing and unlikely tale of a vampire redeemed by his love for a vampire slayer. And now that Spike’s won the slayer’s loins, we can only root that her heart shan’t be far behind.
2. Gilmore Girls.
Its wholly endearing first season was succeeded by a better second, and like “Buffy” (a series against which it lamentably competes), “Gilmore” elicits tears almost as routinely as it does laughter. The title characters remain wittily adorable, Lorelei’s relationship with her parents continues to evolve in fascinating fashion, and Luke’s character begins to fall into sharp focus. Paris Geller is a great, tortured villain, and I daresay a good deal more complex than “Smallville’s” Lex Luthor. 2001 featured a Bangles concert, the return of Rory’s pop, Rory’s fighting and making up with both mom and boyfriend, Emily’s horrified glimpse of Rory’s first home, Rory’s hilariously imperious great-grandmother, Lane’s would-be romance with Henry, Lane getting shipped to Korea with a suitcase twice her size, the breakup with Max, the road trip to Harvard, Luke’s troubled nephew, and Rory among the debutantes. So far, “Gilmore Girls” is one of the best TV series in the history of history.
3. 24.
Why is it so great? Loads of edgy, complex, compelling characters. Intricate, unpredictable plotting. Lightning-like pacing. A stellar cast. A near-constant, electric undercurrent of sex. It keeps asking questions you’ll be dying to see answered. The episodes are structured to form something akin to the best Hardy Boys novel never written: every chapter tagged with a white-knuckle cliffhanger. If only the Hardy books gave us insanely driven villains, hot lesbian assassins, a hero unafraid to dismember his prey, and a presidential candidate who can intimidate gang members. “24” feels like no TV show ever aired.
4. The Sopranos.
It’s a minority view, admittedly, but season three was for Herc’s money “The Sopranos’” best to date. With the 2001 episodes the series began to buckle down and demonstrate what kind of lazy, immature, cowardly, weak-minded cretins decide upon a career in victimization. Brilliant was: the way all the feds’ hard work bugging Tony’s basement was so casually undone, the skinnier Meadow’s biracial love interest, Meadow’s dalliance with X, Meadow’s freakish roommate, the story of Melfi’s rape, the saga of Svetlana’s limb, the tale of how sadistic Ralphie became a captain, Furio’s dialogue generally (but especially his disdain for golf), Burt Young’s eye-opening final hit, Janis’ new heights of deluded, self-centered obnoxiousness, her narcoleptic new love, Christopher and Paulie’s wintry duel with Rasputin, psychotic and barely-clad Annabella Sciorra’s fun with meat-flinging, the devastating advice offered by Carm’s wizened, no-bullshit non-Italian analyst, the ghost of Big Pussy, A.J.’s weak-kneed reaction to military school, and brainy fed Fairuza Balk’s undercover friendship with Adrianna. If the season seemed to end too abruptly, and with too many loose ends, it may be because what we saw was really only the first half of a supersized 26-episode saga set to conclude this summer.
5. Alias.
It may not be a coincidence that ABC put “Alias” on Sundays at 9 p.m.; it feels like the first show to benefit from the networks’ fear of “The Sopranos.” It’s also the first ABC show since “Twin Peaks” to lash together something that doesn’t feel like a ripoff of some other TV show. Let the sweet, tender-hearted heroine be subjected to extended systematic torture at the hands of foreign nationals? Absolutely. Let her emotional impulse lead to catastrophic consequences? Go for it. Cram 70 minutes full of enough plot for four pilots? Who are we to judge?? The storytelling is inspired and the pacing is breathless. J.J. Abrams creates a likeable, vulnerable, conflicted and complex character, and forces us to confront with her a barrage of mind-bending dilemmas. Almost as compelling is the supporting cast: Syd’s father, her partner, her evil SD-6 boss, her CIA handler, her twitchy tech expert, her friends, her allies, and her tormenters are all products of what appear to be very careful scripting and casting. And like “24,” the show keeps asking questions the audience grows anxious to see answered.
6. The West Wing.
It makes the 2001 list largely on the strength of the last half of its second season. The turgid third series has yet to give us anything approaching “Two Cathedrals,” the season-two finale which depicted the President of the United States alone in a cavernous Christian cathedral, all but cursing God for His relentlessly shoddy treatment. (The shot of the embattled Bartlet subsequently wandering alone into a freak tropical storm elicits actual goosebumps!) For 2002, series mastermind Aaron Sorkin needs to bring back the love stories -- and create more characters that are as entertaining as Oliver Babish, Ainsley Hayes and Lord John Maybury.
7. Project Greenlight.
A documentary series about the making of a upcoming Miramax feature titled “Stolen Summer,” this HBO offering lends a horrifying glimpse into the filmmaking process, and demonstates that if you’re neither smart nor talented, there’s plenty of room in the movie industry if you’re merely arrogant or ruthless. Perhaps the finest reality series ever created, it would be even better if it came in hourlong installments.
8. Undeclared.
(That’s right: three of the year’s eight best series air between 8:00 p.m. and 9:00 p.m. on Tuesdays.) Judd Apatow, he of “Larry Sanders” and “Freaks & Geeks” fame, has engineered the year’s best sitcom, a wittily subversive college dorm comedy that quietly and nonjudgmentally depicts a lot of bad behavior, aided by a cast that is, on balance, even more accomplished than the one that graced “Freaks”! “Undeclared” makes me laugh the way “The Simpsons” used to.
9. South Park.
Comedy Central’s flagship, against all expectations, produced in 2001 the best episodes of the series’ history. Cartman made a local teen eat his own parents, then engaged Osama Bin Laden in daffy combat. Then there was the Timmy-Jimmy face-off. The “shit” episode. The Terrence & Phillip reunion. Jesus vs. David Blaine. Cartman’s theme park. Mr. Mackey’s sex-ed class. The Game Sphere and the drug-addled Mr. Towelie. Mr. Garrison’s anus-raping new “it” transport. The two Kyles. The ass-face on the milk carton. The stem-cell show. And the Butters-centric installment. Not only do the newer shows demonstrate improved pacing, they’re starting to address meatier themes.
10. (tie) Ed.
The year’s most-improved show is doing everything right: all the characters are much sharper this season; there’s more emphasis on the masterful Dr. Jerome and hyperventilating high schooler Warren Cheswick; and there’s less emphasis on the wacky Phil Stubbs (a little of whom goes a long way) and Ed’s off-putting penchant for embarrassing public spectacle. Plus there’s great new chemistry between Justin Long (who plays Warren) and Ginnifer Goodwin (who essays Warren’s scheming new gal-pal Diane).
10. (tie) Late Night With Conan O’Brien.
Preparation H Raymond. The masturbating bear. The heckling turkey. Triumph. Pimpbot. Ponytailed announcer Joel Goddard’s maniacal smile and sexual obsession with young asian men. “Conan” has never been funnier, sketch comedy gets no funnier than Conan’s, and we even get it four nights a week!
10. (tie) Six Feet Under.
How come we never see the church deacons on “7th Heaven” masturbating to gay Internet porn? Why is Stephen Collins’ Reverend Camden never glipsed in a Las Vegas parking garage, forcefully driving his engorged penis into a male prostitute’s hindquarters? Sunday has not been the same since David, Nate, Brenda, Claire and Ruth deserted it.
PART TWO:
The 10 Best New Shows of 2001
1. 24.
2. Alias.
3. Project Greenlight.
4. Undeclared.
5. Six Feet Under.
6. The Tick.
“Seinfeld” meets “Spider-Man”: an enormously witty and well-considered sitcom about what superheroes do when they’re not dispatching the criminal element.
7. Pasadena.
Writer Mike White (“Chuck and Buck,” “Orange County”) examines rude, funny and strange rich people dealing with secrets and scandal. Much closer to “Twin Peaks” or “American Beauty” than it is to the bland nonsense that was “Dynasty” and “Melrose Place.”
8. The Amazing Race.
The year’s best new reality/game hybrid, mostly because it emphasizes the reality over the game. The more time one spends with the paired-up contestants, the more one grows invested in the contest’s outcome. Despite modest ratings opposite “West Wing,” CBS has already ordered a second season of this absurdly compelling series.
9. The Mole.
Great contestants and cool challenges, and it’s not so complicated that it alienates the casual viewer. Plus, unlike “Survivor,” it doesn’t need to edit out a lot of the strategizing to maintain suspense. The only reality show cruel enough to pretend to incinerate all your belongings when you lose. ABC promises a relaunch in 2002.
10. (tie) Enterprise.
Before “First Contact,” I imagined the founding of the Federation rather differently, and I’m now keen to learn 1) why T’Pol is so determined to stick with Archer and crew and 2) how Earth becomes so important to the political landscape of the Alpha Quadrant. The bad news is the mediocre episodes (“Fight or Flight,” “Strange New World,” “Terra Nova,” “Civilization,” “Fortunate Son,” “The Andorian Incident”) outnumber the good ones. The good news is the good ones (“Broken Bow,” “Unexpected,” “Breaking the Ice,” “Cold Front”) tend to be pretty great.
10. (tie) Fear Factor.
There are so few opportunities these days to see hot, half-naked young people squirming under mounds of tarantulas and scorpions, let alone eating boiled cattle testes. Making Donny Osmond and Kelly Preston collect flags atop a careening double-decker bus was pretty cool, and the upcoming fear-of-nakedness challenge is ratings genius. After Anne Robinson, Joe Rogan is the best game-show host ever.
10. (tie) Smallville.
Gotta love Lex and the Lana/Clark chemistry, but the Kryptomonster-of-the-week has got to go go goooooooooo. The second half of the season will demonstrate whether the “Smallville” showrunners know what they’re doing or not. (Interesting side note: since everybody knows what teen Clark looks like without his glasses, how is Superman going to manage a secret identity in a few years?)
PART THREE:
The Runners Up.
Infer what you will from Herc’s current “Squander Guide”:
Tell Us How To Squander Our Mondays, O Hercules!
NBC’s “Fear Factor” at 8:00, the WB’s “Angel” at 9:00. Tape Fox’s “Boston Public” at 8:00.
Our Tuesdays!
UPN’s “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” at 8:00, Fox’s “24” at 9:00, and MTV’s “Real World” at 10:00. Tape the WB’s “Gilmore Girls” at 8:00, the WB’s “Smallville” at 9:00 and ABC's “Philly” at 10:00 Buy a second VCR and tape Fox’s “Undeclared” at 8:30 and UPN’s “Roswell” at 9:00. Have a neighbor tape NBC’s “Scrubs” for you at 9:30.
Wednesdays!
NBC’s “Ed” at 8:00, NBC’s “The West Wing” at 9:00, Comedy Central’s “South Park” at 10:00. Tape UPN’s “Enterprise” at 8:00.
Thursdays!
CBS’s “Survivor” at 8:00, Fox’s “Temptation Island” at 9:00, NBC’s “ER” at 10:00. Tape NBC’s “Friends” at 8:00 and Fox’s “The Tick” at 8:30.
Fridays!
Fox’s “Dark Angel” at 8:00, “Pasadena” at 9:00 (if Fox ever brings it back), ABC's "Once and Again" at 10:00.
Saturdays!
“Andromeda” if it airs Saturday in your area. Otherwise, see a movie.
Sundays!
Fox’s “Futurama” at 7:00, Fox’s “King of the Hill” at 7:30, HBO’s “The Sopranos” rerun at 8:00, ABC’s “Alias” at 9:00, HBO’s “Oz” at 10:00. Tape HBO’s “Project Greenlight” at 9:30 and ABC’s “The Practice” at 10:00.
The time we should be sleeping!
Comedy Central’s “The Daily Show” at 11:00, CBS’s “Late Show With David Letterman” at 11:30, NBC’s “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” at 12:30, Watch “Blind Date” whenever it airs. Tape ABC’s “Nightline” at 11:30, ABC’s “Politically Incorrect” at midnight, and CBS’s “The Late Late Show With Craig Kilborn” at 12:30. NBC’s “Saturday Night Live” Saturdays at 11:30 p.m.
Special mention this year goes to whoever does the promos for the Cartoon Network. If they're not written by the same folks who script "Space Ghost" and "Sealab 2021," then somebody needs to give those promo-crafters their own show. I can't get enough of Brainiac crying out for "a decent pair of pants!"
Happy New Year!!
I am – Hercules!!
To order boxer shorts adorned with the image of a green, handicapable “Buffy” fanatic, click here.
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