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Blurry Peek At Zemeckis' A CHRISTMAS CAROL for Disney 1 Sheet!

None of that jerky crap, I hope by drewlicious	Jan 8th, 2009 04:05:26 PM
It looks creepy semi-photorealistic or not.
Oh good! by Lefty Lefterson	Jan 8th, 2009 04:07:07 PM
I don't think A Christmas Carol has been adapted enough, so let's add another one! It might be good, but there's already so many versions of this story...
They should just drop the bomb by brock landers baby	Jan 8th, 2009 04:09:31 PM
Honest to fuck,when I see shit like that they really should.
Why all the gimmicky crap? by James Westfall	Jan 8th, 2009 04:09:47 PM
The whole 3-D 'photo-real animation' will mean I won't see it - because I'd rather just see a straight forward normal film. Especially with Donner & Carrey doing this story - that might've been awesome.
THIRD! by fractaljinn	Jan 8th, 2009 04:10:48 PM

Say what you will... by jimmy rabbitte	Jan 8th, 2009 04:12:40 PM
...and you will say... I like The Polar Express... even if the characters do look a bit creepy... which they do.
I can't wait!!!! by ZoeFan	Jan 8th, 2009 04:14:44 PM
I LOVED Beowulf. And I like the idea of Jim Carrey playing different roles in this.
Looks very much like his Count Olaf make-up by skimn	Jan 8th, 2009 04:14:50 PM
so why is this mocapped????
I love this... by HootDad	Jan 8th, 2009 04:14:53 PM
I love the idea of someone doing Christmas Carol with full blown modern effects. I re-read Dicken's original story every year at holiday time, and nobody has ever really captured some of the characters the way they're described (Marley and Ghost of Past in particular). I just hope they stick fairly closely to the original text - it truly is nearly perfect...
Fucking Stupid by HerbWestAustin	Jan 8th, 2009 04:19:03 PM
Jim Carrey needs to retire
Looks kinda cool to me by MattmanReturns	Jan 8th, 2009 04:19:07 PM
I'm all for CG if it's used for exaggerated character design. Using it to make photo-realistic people seems pointless to me.
That creepy feeling you get? by gotilk	Jan 8th, 2009 04:20:04 PM
It has a name! http://tinyurl.com/8m3lec I love any chart that contains Robot.. zombie...healthy person
WOW by Series7	Jan 8th, 2009 04:20:09 PM
Looks like I'd figured. That Lemmony Snicket movie sucked.
Fuck Motion Capture movies.. by conspiracy	Jan 8th, 2009 04:20:28 PM
MoCap is like taking the worst aspects of two different disciples and hoping by throwing them together you can make chicken salad out of chicken shit. These films have neither the beautiful artistry of full animation, be it hand drawn or computer generated, nor the emotional subleties of the live action performance. Pass.
Lay you bets Carrey's going to do a James Cagney voice again by YotzVonFrelnik	Jan 8th, 2009 04:23:10 PM
Give him enough time in any wacky role and he does a Bogart/Cagney-esque voice. Now it's time for Scrooge to sound like it.
There's nothing wrong with motion capture by slone13	Jan 8th, 2009 04:25:00 PM
When done right. Open your minds, assholes.
I don't care how much CGI Jim Carreys... by StarskyandHushky	Jan 8th, 2009 04:25:11 PM
...you throw at this. It will never, ever be better than The Muppet Christmas Carol.
And Fuck "Back to the Future"r as well... by conspiracy	Jan 8th, 2009 04:27:16 PM
unless he drags Claudia Wells back. What Zemeckis should be concentrating on is a Roger Rabbit sequel/prequel.
jim carrey as the grinch and scrooge by crazy4dragons13	Jan 8th, 2009 04:28:34 PM
i bet next he'll be the evil magician who threw away his magic hat in Frosty 2010
I dunno man. I do not know. by FlickaPoo	Jan 8th, 2009 04:39:31 PM

Screw your futurists...MoCap does indeed knob.. by conspiracy	Jan 8th, 2009 04:40:57 PM
it may be fine for individual characters within a live action film..but a complete film..screw that..its horrible..just try to watch Polar Express or Beowolf...I'd rather watch wax melt.
your=you....Wanna bitch about something being so "20th century" by conspiracy	Jan 8th, 2009 04:42:39 PM
How about the fact this site STILL has no edit feature?
FAIL by LordMadhammer	Jan 8th, 2009 04:45:16 PM
Jim Carrey as Scrooge? Is it 1995 again?
Getting sick of motion capture... by sonnyfern	Jan 8th, 2009 04:46:01 PM
What's the point? I'm all for live action EVERYTHING nowadays.
Don't. Give. A. Shit. by mefrog	Jan 8th, 2009 04:55:02 PM
Beowulf was awful, and Jim Carrey is one of the most annoying comedians on the planet. Pass.
But hell... by mefrog	Jan 8th, 2009 04:55:28 PM
Why lie? At the end of the day, I know some combination of circumstances will result in me seeing it.
Carrey doing the same crap he always does by Knobules	Jan 8th, 2009 05:05:19 PM
Pass.
Series Of Unfortunate Christmas Carols? by Darth_Tarantino	Jan 8th, 2009 05:07:56 PM
meh
Best Christmas Carols by Darth_Tarantino	Jan 8th, 2009 05:09:25 PM
Patrick Stewart's 'A Christmas Carol' and 'The Muppet's Christmas Carol'. It's been done before and done better. Move along, people.
Zemeckis and Carrey are dead to me. by Nosferatu Jones	Jan 8th, 2009 05:12:12 PM
That is a completely AWFUL-looking Scrooge.
I urgently need a new live-action from Zemeckis by wadi77	Jan 8th, 2009 05:12:38 PM
Live-action is the the most photo-realistic technique, always. Robert Zemeckis WAS one of my favorite director.
Tarantino by DisneyFanatic	Jan 8th, 2009 05:12:51 PM
I do agree that Muppets is by far one of the best Christmas Carols out there... And it appears that this movie is shooting towards THAT demographic. And it looks like it's going to be shit.
Stewart's CAROL is terrible. George C. Scott's is better. by Nosferatu Jones	Jan 8th, 2009 05:16:34 PM
Still hard to fathom just how atrocious that Patrick Stewart version was. Flat lighting; modern, re-written dialogue; and piss-poor CGI effects from 1999. Biggest "Scrooge" disappointment ever. Until Zemeckis' latest CGI zombie-fest, that is.
Mickey's Christmas Carol > All other adaptions by NinjaRap	Jan 8th, 2009 05:18:14 PM

Claudia Wells? by slone13	Jan 8th, 2009 05:20:35 PM
Who the fuck cares about Claudia Wells? Most people had no idea she was even replaced.
Oh Lord...more motion capture? by Blue_Demon	Jan 8th, 2009 05:25:14 PM
Give me animation or live action! This strange in-between junk is boring. I went to see Beowulf for the 3-D and after five minutes I said, "Okay...that's that." I'll pass on this one.
Nosferatu Jones by Darth_Tarantino	Jan 8th, 2009 05:30:18 PM
I hear what you're saying regarding the effects and such, but Stewart is an amazing actor who always captures my imagination with his performances. For that reason and that reason alone, it scors highly for me as an adaptation. But...horses for courses, and all that!
I like mo cap for certain things by Charlie_Allnut	Jan 8th, 2009 05:37:51 PM
like a individual character who can't be filmed practical. Gollum for example. A whole movie of it? meh. Why not just do it live action? whats the point? And I agree...Patrick Stewarts scrooge was terrible and George C. Scott's was brilliant.
Hopefully the Ghost of Christmas Future is disturbing-looking by terry1978	Jan 8th, 2009 05:43:40 PM
Yeah, it's just supposed to be the Grim Reaper in appearance, but that was always the best mainstay of the story, complete with skeletal hands and scythe.
How many adaptations have been done by Roketopunch	Jan 8th, 2009 05:52:51 PM
since Aleister Simms version. Countless. None are as good either. Don't get me wrong, some are great such as Scrooged but Aleister has the dead on chops for everyone's favorite holiday asshole.
If I want a 3D movie, I'll just look for PIXAR by wadi77	Jan 8th, 2009 05:55:38 PM
No mocap but the movements are more realistic! Watch the end credit for Ratatouile: "Our Quality Assurance Guarantee: 100% ANIMATION! No motion capture or any other perfrmance shortcuts were use in the production of this film"
'beautifully designed?' by Bagheera	Jan 8th, 2009 05:58:37 PM
he's just got a big honker. Other than that he looks like he just came screaming out of Polar Express to me.
TTFN by The_Skook	Jan 8th, 2009 06:00:41 PM
Muppets and Alastair Sim every time. Just don't need another version really. Lots of other stuff waiting to be filmed you know... that hasn't been done, like... before! 100 times already!
Kelsey Grammer's Scrooge by Jonas Grumpy	Jan 8th, 2009 06:01:55 PM
Was... well... at least he could sing.
speaking of 'uncanny valley' by robamenta	Jan 8th, 2009 06:02:01 PM
heres an article about it: http://tinyurl.com/7x2jso
Henry Winkler's Scrooge by Jonas Grumpy	Jan 8th, 2009 06:02:25 PM
Sit on it, Marley!
Mr. Magoo's Scrooge by Jonas Grumpy	Jan 8th, 2009 06:02:55 PM
Haven't seen it. Don't tell me how it ends.
Bill Murray's Scrooged by Jonas Grumpy	Jan 8th, 2009 06:03:56 PM
'Nuff said.
Scrooged is the best by Heckles	Jan 8th, 2009 06:04:26 PM
Excellent take on the story. Murray rocks.
Scrooge was a mutant by Jonas Grumpy	Jan 8th, 2009 06:04:36 PM
Peter David said so.
Alistair F-ing Sim. bitches! by tangcameo	Jan 8th, 2009 06:05:37 PM
Every other version is just shit.
BTTF promised me flying cars. Where the fuck are flying cars? by Drath	Jan 8th, 2009 06:35:31 PM
I'd say that Albert Finney and Scrooge McDuck were my favorite Scrooges, but Allistaire Simm was pretty great as well. Why does Jim Carrey keep playing roles that make him look like John Malkovich and why isn't John Malkovich playing them when he's kreepier anyway? The poor man is not far from actually making that J'Accuzi skit from SNL.
I second SCROOGED.............you get greedy for it. by FlickaPoo	Jan 8th, 2009 06:40:28 PM
..."...boy! did that suck!...now I have to kill...all of you!"
WHERE'S MORI?? I want him back here now. by performingmonkey	Jan 8th, 2009 06:45:26 PM
This place will now blow harder than a prom queen's little sister.
Here's some A CHRISTMAS CAROL conecept art!! by unionJACKass.webs.com	Jan 8th, 2009 07:18:31 PM
This is a bit blurry, too, but still worth a look: http://marketsaw.blogspot.com/ 2009/01/more-christmas-carol-i mages.html
And some AVATAR weaponary!!! by unionJACKass.webs.com	Jan 8th, 2009 07:19:57 PM
Nice. :) http://marketsaw.blogspot.com/ 2009/01/avatar-weapon-revealed -must-see-photos.html
The Pic was originally at by BartholomewNeff	Jan 8th, 2009 07:21:12 PM
Whoever sent the photo got the corrected version over at Blue Sky Disney. They should've told ya that so as to give them credit for it! Jim looks, uhm ugly. Hope it's a good film.
He has Count Orlock fingers by CountryBoy	Jan 8th, 2009 07:21:17 PM

"Beautifully designed characters?" by Hellboy	Jan 8th, 2009 07:40:39 PM
It looks like Jim Carrey in old age make-up from here. Beowulf was a backwards step from Monster House, design-wise. So far, this one, blurry image isn't progress either.
So...um...what's the point? by Dreamwriter	Jan 8th, 2009 07:44:34 PM
When motion-captured CGI looks exactly like the actor being captured, what's the point? Maybe if they do it like Polar Express, where only one character looks like the actor, I guess - but if all the characters are like this one, there's just no point, just make it a damn live-action movie with physical makeup and maybe apply some CGI effects.
Beowulf by fassbinder79	Jan 8th, 2009 07:45:59 PM
Was definitely a step in the right direction. A nice little piece of trivia for those of you who like me grew up with the Sega CD... ...Zemeckis is married to an actress i thought was hot in that game Ground Zero Texas. "...except for the bored housewives across the street."
another vote for scrooged being the best... by DrBrianOblivion	Jan 8th, 2009 07:55:53 PM
That was probably Bobcat Goldthwaits funniest role
Forrest Gump was a live action cartoon by Chishu_Ryu	Jan 8th, 2009 08:12:39 PM
That's what Zemeckis does best is make cartoons...
Maybe Zemeckis has been secretly working on Back to the Future 4 by F69	Jan 8th, 2009 08:36:55 PM
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v= jhlW8o2PJOE
Alistair! by yubnubrocks	Jan 8th, 2009 08:44:48 PM
Best scene in that version (and a great visual overall) is when Scrooge turns in the alley and they just show the arm of Ghost of Christmases yet to come pointing at him... holy shit that's chilling.
The Sandman by SnootyBoots	Jan 8th, 2009 08:45:36 PM
Carrey kinda looks like the Sandman from that nasty little stop motion short film called The Sandman. It's on You Tube.
Mickey's Christmas Carol was the most hardcore version by greenstyle92	Jan 8th, 2009 09:09:08 PM
In most versions, it ends with scrooge just crying at the hem of the Ghost of Christmas future's feet, begging for one more chance before he wakes up. In the Mickey version, Pete as the ghost of the future actually kicked scrooge into his own open grave, and as he was desperately trying to claw his way out, his coffin opens up revealing the GATE TO HELL. As Pete laughs maniacally, Scrooges grip slips, and he falls headlong into oblivion... only then does he wake up. I've always marveled just how hard that version of the story is.
Best 'Scrooges' for me: by Orbots Commander	Jan 8th, 2009 09:47:09 PM
The Muppet Christmas Carol and the British Scrooge musical with Albert Finney as Scrooge and Alec Guinness as Marley's ghost. When I catch that flick on cable around the holidays, the songs 'Thank You Very Much' and 'I Like Life' always get stuck in my head. And I normally HATE musicals.
Will Zemeckis EVER do a "real" movie again? by Nasty In The Pasty	Jan 8th, 2009 09:55:47 PM
I miss the scrappy, pre-Gump Zemeckis movies. Death Becomes Her was the last gasp of the "old" Zemeckis.
Paul Blart: Mall Cop in mocap! by Nasty In The Pasty	Jan 8th, 2009 10:00:12 PM
All of Kevin James' jiggly flab covered in reference dots while squeezed into a skintight leotard! Money in the bank!
looks great by taff	Jan 8th, 2009 10:02:26 PM
but I hope they have not forgotten that it is a great story that does not need "improvement."
The last great 'real' Zemeckis movie is Cast Away. by Orbots Commander	Jan 8th, 2009 10:18:05 PM
Cast Away is a great underrated flick, one of Zemeckis' and Hanks' best. I hope Zemeckis eventually goes back to making real movies instead of this motion capture stuff. Mo-cap works as effects in a larger live action film, but making entire movies around motion capture---I don't know, I guess I don't see the point.
An overrated story. by Ogre	Jan 8th, 2009 10:38:54 PM
It's a story not worth telling. I hate christmas myself.. and the prospect of dying alone isn't enough to sway my opinion. If somebody as cold as Scrooge was shown that potential future, he'd shrug his shoulders with the acknowledgement that he knew it was coming... he damn sure wouldn't be buying extra large turkeys for his employee's gimpy children.
Fuck you ogre, it's not just about Christmas. by greenstyle92	Jan 8th, 2009 10:47:26 PM
It's more about giving a fuck about other human beings. And I have a feeling that if the ghost of the past took you on tour of your descent into the state of asshole, you'd be a bigger baby about it than scrooge was.
greenstyle by Ogre	Jan 8th, 2009 10:55:55 PM
Which one of the spirits of Christmas taught you to be foul mouthed and confrontational?
Yeah, were in the same fucking boat, Ogre by greenstyle92	Jan 8th, 2009 11:01:16 PM
See you in hell asshole.
Ogre by Paul Bucciarelli	Jan 8th, 2009 11:23:24 PM
is just another baby crying for attention. Somebody give this asshole his bottle and put him down for the night.
Mocap is just a shortcut by the milf lover	Jan 8th, 2009 11:25:48 PM
It's main advantage is you dont have to animate something from scratch. But once they have the mocap data, no matter how good it is, they still need animators to clean it up and correct all the bugs in it. You cant just mocap something, put it in the computer on a character and have it be perfect.
Orbots Commander by unionJACKass.webs.com	Jan 8th, 2009 11:26:40 PM
I agree. Great score, too.
BTW by unionJACKass.webs.com	Jan 8th, 2009 11:28:44 PM
The more I watch BEOWULF, the more I love it. Definitely very under-rated IMO. It looks absolutely gorgeous, too.
Berni Wrightson's "SCROOGE" by BenBraddock	Jan 9th, 2009 12:35:25 AM
Was my first thought..
BenBraddock by Paul Bucciarelli	Jan 9th, 2009 12:51:45 AM
Damn you! I thought that there was a Wrightson adaptation out there somewhere that I'd never heard of. I was already to go hunt for it. That being said, the pic does look like one of his drawings. I've always loved his art but met him at con a few years ago and he was a total douche unlike Mike Kalutta who was extremely cool to talk to and even added a little sketch (free of charge) of The Shadow to the collection that I was having him autograph. By the way, Dark Horse recently reprinted Wrightson's Frankenstein, giving it a deluxe hardcover treatment. A beautiful must buy book.
THIS guy gets Chrismas by Coldsnap	Jan 9th, 2009 02:06:25 AM
Just don't let your wife/girlfriend see these: 2006: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v =UcP9pXj-0Ao 2007: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v =ggy9jNo5Nz0 2008: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v =ETOy4hbSGB4
The only truly great film Zemeckis ever made by kwisatzhaderach	Jan 9th, 2009 02:45:51 AM
is Back to the Future.
Zemeckis, unlike Bay, does care... by Mr Gorilla	Jan 9th, 2009 03:05:37 AM
Behind all the Gee-Whizzery of BEOWULF was a proper considered story, with a situation, a context, and even a poignancy. There was something brillianty old-school Hollywood about it - I'm thinking of the films of the 50s and 60s. Bravo. I dearly love Back To The Future, Roger Rabbit and all, but you've come a long way since then, baby.
Hmm, right... so Scrooge by Ghostball	Jan 9th, 2009 06:59:38 AM
looks like the Wicked Witch of the West now, because he's like, evil. Zemeckis, do you really think anybody is waiting for this movie? I know, I know, it isn't for us nerds, it's for normal families and classic stories 'never get old' - well, that probably depends on how many times they've been fucking made ALREADY. Yes? No? Now 'scuse me if I'm wrong but hasn't Zemeckis got the moolah to create some serious high concept original material? Beowulf 3D was pretty good - sure motion capture clearly still has a fuck of a long way to go before we can accept any of the characters as flesh and blood, but it was still entertaining. But Chrismas Sodding Carol in Two Thousand and Fucking Nine? Fuck me - you couldn't make it up!
THIS IS MARKETSAW'S EXCLUSIVE by jimdorey	Jan 9th, 2009 07:42:29 AM
Post where the originals come from! I am getting sick and tired of having to play cop with you guys. The original image is at MARKETSAW and not only that, we have new exclusive AVATAR weapon photos! I expect to see them on your site REAL soon with no link. Think maybe I will start returning the favor AICN.
Paul Bucciarelli by BenBraddock	Jan 9th, 2009 08:11:23 AM
Oops, sorry pal! Not my intention to have you surf the net all day looking for something that doesn't exist! It's just that profile and the pose of the hand that made me think "Wrightson!" I too really used to be into his stuff in a big way. Sorry to hear he was a disappointment in the flesh. Actually one of my biggest disappointments as a fan was flicking through "Cycle of the Werewolf" for the first time (King & Wrightson collaborating - how could it miss?!) and realising that Berni had almost completely lost it. Still don't know what happened, it looked like his heart just wasn't in it..
BenBraddock by Paul Bucciarelli	Jan 9th, 2009 08:23:23 AM
I agree. You'd think that would be a project, like Frankenstein, where he would have pulled out all the stops. Still, Cycle of the Werewolf looks like the Sistine Chapel compared to his adapatation of Creepshow. What a fucking piece of shit that was.
Jim Carrey -UGH by Geekgasm	Jan 9th, 2009 09:12:04 AM
I was mildly interested in this until I saw the name attached. Hasn't Jim Carrey ruined enough movies?
I'm on the Carrey-should-retire bandwagon by Shut the Fuck up Donny	Jan 9th, 2009 09:47:30 AM
I mean, really. The man is loaded and is pokin' Jenny McCarthy. He WINS the Game of Life. Jim, just fade out, write some children's books, and sit on some board for a charity or autism awareness group.
Zemeckis is the man by darthvedder81	Jan 9th, 2009 09:59:26 AM
"Back to the Future" is one of the most perfect and entertaining movies ever made. That's all the credit Bob needs. He can make feature length films about the Hamburger Helper oven mitt from now on for all I care.
Richard Williams' CHRISTMAS CAROL fucks all the other versions' by geekzapoppin	Jan 9th, 2009 10:15:21 AM
Amazing animation, the entire story with no filler, the return of Alistair Sim, a truly scary Marley, and a fuckin' Oscar to boot. Suck it, Zemeckis. (I do also love the George C. Scott, Albert Finney, and original Sim versions as well.)
Should read Dickens 'A Christmas Carol' not Disney's!!! by londoncalling	Jan 9th, 2009 10:19:51 AM

Looks like... by Anna Valerious	Jan 9th, 2009 10:28:40 AM
...Count Olaf, another literary Jim Carrey character!
SCROOGED!! by skimn	Jan 9th, 2009 10:44:11 AM
Bill Murray's drink of choice, vodka and Tab, is so '80s. One of Donner's last best movies. And Karen Allen looked Animal House/Raiders adorable.
Roger Rabbit is f'n marvelous also by skimn	Jan 9th, 2009 11:01:40 AM
C'mon, Zemeckis also made the great Raiders-style Romancing The Stone back when Kat Turner still had it. The overlooked Used Cars with a great sleaze-charm turn by Kurt Russell. The guy made great films in the '80s, into the '90s, even if you hated Gump's message, it was a fine film. Disney better have Roger on the fast track for a BluRay release, and it would be nice to see a sequel.."Who Killed Roger Rabbit?"
geekzapoppin by Paul Bucciarelli	Jan 9th, 2009 11:08:16 AM
Nice to see another fan of Williams outstanding version. It was based on the original Leach illustrations for the book. It's as hame that's it's not available on DVD or shown on television anymore. After hunting for many years I recently found a homemade DVD with both the Williams and Zoran Janjic/Famous Classic Tales versions. I also love the Scott and Finney versions as well. I often wondered why name the Scrooge is always used in a negative light when his character goes through the ultimate redemption of just about any villain in literature.
YAWN by Trazadone	Jan 9th, 2009 04:41:54 PM
Yeah this annoys me for the following reasons: 1) It's waaaaay too late/too early to mention Christmas right now. 2) Another remake of a classic that's destined for disappointment. 3) Grumble, grumble, grumble. 4) Jim Carrrey is so washed up he's in Minnesota at this point. 5) I instantly hated that poster and hope never to see it again but know I will.
Albert Finney's take on Scrooge was best!!!! by Monkey_King	Jan 10th, 2009 04:22:41 AM
Love that film.
Zemeckis + CG animation = BAD by livingwater	Jan 10th, 2009 10:33:14 AM
....you are right, Harry. Zemeckis + CG animation is exactly what happens when bureaucracy and politics take over from talent.
Beowuld looked great but... by TheLastCleric	Jan 10th, 2009 12:06:14 PM
they completely destroyed the integrity of the story and turned Beowulf into a compromised, post modern chicken shit. They fucked Grendel up too and the animators alos proved that Angelina Jolie is just as annoying in CG as in the bony flesh.
Ronald Neame's "Scrooge" = overlooked classic by pixelmagic	Jan 11th, 2009 02:03:43 PM
Ronald Neame's 1970 "Scrooge" starring Albert Finney is, to me, the definitive and most imaginative rendering yet of this tale. I saw this NEW on the big screen when I was 7, and every other version since seems WEAK to me. General Patton did not make a convincing Scrooge. (My only criticism now, looking back on it in a recent viewing is that Finney is obviously too young for the role, but does an incredible job nonetheless.) If anyone can come close to this classic, it would be Zemeckis, who has shown wit and imaginative style in all his films. My only doubts are about Carrey. I would prefer a real British cast. Carrey is a ham, and I know they're casting for box office bucks, but if this is CGI, okay. And the film must be somewhat dark in tone.
by Bill Brasky	Feb 5th, 2009 07:06:26 AM
RORSCHACH: "Hrmmmm…Like a Virgin" is all about a girl who digs a guy with a big dick. The whole song is a metaphor for big dicks. OZYMANDIAS:No it's not. It's about a girl who is very vulnerable and she's been fucked over a few times. Then she meets some guy who's really sensitive-- RORSCHACH: --Whoa...whoa...time out Greenbay. Tell that bullshit to the tourists. COMEDIAN: (looking through his address book) Toby...who the fuck is Toby? Toby...Toby...think...think... think... RORSCHACH: It's not about a nice girl who meets a sensitive boy. Now granted that's what "True Blue" is about, no argument about that. SILK SPECTRE: Which one is "True Blue? DR. MANHATTAN: You don't remember "True Blue?" That was a big ass hit for Madonna. Shit, I don't even follow this Tops In Pops shit, and I've at least heard of "True Blue.” SILK SPECTRE: Look, asshole, I didn't say I ain't heard of it. All I asked was how does it go? Excuse me for not being the world's biggest Madonna fan. MOLOCH THE MYSTIC: I hate Madonna. OZYMANDIAS: I like her early stuff. You know, "Lucky Star," "Borderline" - but once she got into her "Papa Don't Preach" phase, I don't know, I tuned out. RORSCHACH: Hey, fuck all that, I'm making a point here. You're gonna make me lose my train of thought. COMEDIAN: Oh fuck, Toby's that little china girl. NIGHT OWL: What's that? COMEDIAN: I found this old address book in a jacket I ain't worn in a coon's age. Toby what? What the fuck was her last name? RORSCHACH: Where was I? SILK SPECTRE: You said "True Blue" was about a nice girl who finds a sensitive fella. But "Like a Virgin" was a metaphor for big dicks. RORSCHACH: Let me tell ya what "Like a Virgin"'s about. It's about some cooze who's a regular fuck machine.I mean all the time, morning, day, night, afternoon, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick. OZYMANDIAS: How many dicks was that? NIGHT OWL: A lot. RORSCHACH: Then one day she meets a John Holmes motherfucker, and it's like, whoa baby. This mother fucker's like Charles Bronson in "The Great Escape." He's diggin tunnels. Now she's gettin this serious dick action, she's feelin something she ain't felt since forever. Pain. COMEDIAN: Chew? Toby Chew? No. RORSCHACH: It hurts. It hurts her. It shouldn't hurt. Her pussy should be Bubble-Yum by now. But when this cat fucks her, it hurts. It hurts like the first time. The pain is reminding a fuck machine what is was like to be a virgin. Hence, "Like a Virgin." COMEDIAN: Wong? RORSCHACH: Fuck you, wrong. I'm right! What the fuck do you know about it anyway? You're still listening to Jerry-fucking-Vale. COMEDIAN : Not wrong, dumb ass, Wong! You know, like the Chinese name? Night Owl snatches the address book from Comedian's hand. They fight, but they're not really mad at each other. NIGHT OWL: Give me this fucking thing. COMEDIAN: What the fuck do you think you're doin? Give me my book back! NIGHT OWL: I'm sick of fuckin hearin it Comedian, I'll give it back when we leave. COMEDIAN: Whaddaya mean, give it to me when we leave, give it back now. NIGHT OWL: For the past fifteen minutes now, you've just been droning on with names. "Toby...Toby...Toby... Toby Wong...Toby Wong...Toby Chung...fuckin Charlie Chan." I got Madonna's big dick outta my right ear, and Toby Jap I-don't- know-what, outta my left. COMEDIAN: What do you care? NIGHT OWL: When you're annoying as hell, I care a lot. COMEDIAN: Give me my book. NIGHT OWL: You gonna put it away? COMEDIAN: I'm gonna do whatever I wanna do with it. NIGHT OWL: Well, then, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to keep it. CAPTAIN METROPOLIS: Comedian, you want me to shoot him for you? NIGHT OWL: Shit, you shoot me in a dream, you better wake up and apologize. DR. MANHATTAN: Have you guys been listening to K- BILLY's super sounds of the seventies weekend? RORSCHACH: Yeah, it's fuckin great isn't it? DR. MANHATTAN: Can you believe the songs they been playin? RORSCHACH: No, I can't. You know what I heard the other day? "Heartbeat - It's Lovebeat," by little Tony DeFranco and the DeFranco Family. I haven't heard that since I was in fifth fuckin grade. DR. MANHATTAN: When I was coming down here, I was playin it. And "The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia" came on. Now I ain't heard that song since it was big, but when it was big, I heard it a million- trillion times. I'm listening to it this morning, and this was the first time I ever realized that the lady singing the song, was the one who killed Andy. OZYMANDIAS: You didn't know Vicki Lawrence killed the guy? DR. MANHATTAN: I thought the cheatin wife shot Andy. CAPTAIN METROPOLIS: They say it in the song. DR. MANHATTAN: I know, I heard it. I musta zoned out whenever that part came on before. I thought when she said that little sister stuff, she was talkin about her sister- in-law, the cheatin wife. COMEDIAN: No, she did it. She killed the cheatin wife, too. RORSCHACH: You know the part in "Gypsies, Tramps and Theives," when she says "Poppa woulda shot his if he knew what he'd done?" I could never figure out what he did. The table laughs. The WAITRESS comes over to the table. She has the check, and a pot of coffee. WAITRESS: Can I get anybody more coffee? COMEDIAN: No, we're gonna be hittin it. I'll take care of the check. She hands the bill to him. WAITRESS: Here ya go. Please pay at the register, if you wouldn't mind. COMEDIAN: Sure thing. WAITRESS: You guys have a wonderful day. They all mutter equivalents. She exits and Comedian stands up. COMEDIAN: I'll take care of this, you guys leave the tip. (to Night Owl) And when I come back, I want my book back. NIGHT OWL: Sorry, it's my book now. COMEDIAN: Metropolis, shoot this piece of shit, will ya? Captain Metropolis shoots Night Owl with his finger. Night Owl disintegrates…and then reforms. Comedian exits. DR. MANHATTAN: Okay, everybody cough up green for the little lady. Everybody whips out a buck, and throws it on the table. Everybody, that is, except Night Owl. DR. MANHATTAN: C'mon, throw in a buck. NIGHT OWL: Uh-uh. I don't tip. DR. MANHATTAN: Whaddaya mean you don't tip? NIGHT OWL: I don't believe in it. DR. MANHATTAN: You don't believe in tipping? RORSCHACH: (laughing)I love this kid, he's a madman, this guy. CAPTAIN METROPOLIS: Do you have any idea what these ladies make? They make shit. NIGHT OWL: Don't give me that. She don't make enough money, she can quit. (Everybody laughs.) DR. MANHATTAN: I don't even know a Jew who'd have the balls to say that. So let's get this straight. You never ever tip? NIGHT OWL: I don't tip because society says I gotta. I tip when somebody deserves a tip. When somebody really puts forth an effort, they deserve a little something extra. But this tipping automatically, that shit's for the birds. As far as I'm concerned, they're just doin their job. OZYMANDIAS: Our girl was nice. NIGHT OWL: Our girl was okay. She didn't do anything special. CAPTAIN METROPOLIS: What's something special, take ya in the kitchen and suck your dick? (They all laugh.) DR. MANHATTAN: I'd go over twelve percent for that. NIGHT OWL: Look, I ordered coffee. Now we've been here a long fuckin’ time, and she's only filled my cup three times. When I order coffee, I want it filled six times. CAPTAIN METROPOLIS: What if she's too busy? NIGHT OWL: The words "too busy" shouldn't be in a waitress's vocabulary. DR. MANHATTAN: Excuse me, Night Owl, but the last thing you need is another cup of coffee. (They all laugh.) NIGHT OWL: These ladies aren't starvin to death. They make minimum wage. When I worked for minimum wage, I wasn't lucky enough to have a job that society deemed tipworthy. DR. MANHATTAN: Ahh, now we're getting down to it. It's not just that he's a cheap bastard-- SILK SPECTRE: --It is that too-- DR. MANHATTAN: --It is that too. But it's also he couldn't get a waiter job. You talk like a pissed off dishwasher: "Fuck those cunts and their fucking tips." CAPTAIN METROPOLIS: So you don't care that they're counting on your tip to live? (Night Owl rubs two of his fingers together.)NIGHT OWL: Do you know what this is? It's the world's smallest violin, playing just for the waitresses. CAPTAIN METROPOLIS: You don't have any idea what The fuck you're talking about. These people bust their ass. This is a hard job. NIGHT OWL: So's working at McDonald's, but you don't feel the need to tip them. They're servin ya food, you should tip em. But no, society says tip these guys over here, but not those guys over there. That's bullshit. SILK SPECTRE: They work harder than the kids at McDonald's. NIGHT OWL: Oh yeah, I don't see them cleaning fryers. MOLOCH THE MYSTIC: These people are taxed on the tips they make. When you stiff 'em, you cost them money. CAPTAIN METROPOLIS: Waitressing is the number one occupation for female non-college graduates in this country. It's the one jab basically any woman can get, and make a living on. The reason is because of tips. NIGHT OWL: Fuck all that. (They all laugh.) NIGHT OWL: Hey, I'm very sorry that the government taxes their tips. That's fucked up. But that ain't my fault. it would appear that waitresses are just one of the many groups the government fucks in the ass on a regular basis. You show me a paper says the government shouldn't do that, I'll sign it. Put it to a vote, I'll vote for it. But what I won't do is play ball. And this non- college bullshit you're telling me, I got two words for that: "Learn to fuckin type." Cause if you're expecting me to help out with the rent, you're in for a big fuckin surprise. SILK SPECTRE: He's convinced me. Give me my dollar back. (Everybody laughs. Comedian comes back to the table.) COMEDIAN: Okay ramblers, let's get to rambling. Wait a minute, who didn't throw in? SILK SPECTRE: Night Owl. COMEDIAN: (to Silk Spectre) Night Owl? (to Night Owl) Why? SILK SPECTRE: He don't tip. COMEDIAN: (to Silk Spectre) He don't tip? (to Night Owl) You don't tip? Why? SILK SPECTRE: He don't believe in it. COMEDIAN: (to Silk Spectre) He don't believe in it? (to Night Owl) You don't believe in it? SILK SPECTRE: Nope. COMEDIAN: (to Silk Spectre) Shut up! (to Night Owl) Cough up the buck, ya cheap bastard, I paid for your goddamn breakfast. NIGHT OWL: Because you paid for the breakfast, I'm gonna tip. Normally I wouldn't. COMEDIAN: Whatever. Just throw in your dollar, and let's move. (to Captain Metropolis) See what I'm dealing with here. Infants. I'm fuckin dealin with infants.

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