*Sighs*

I feel your pain.

on a more serious note, I have a friend, who I love, she's a great friend and she's gotten into Twilight along with her teenage daughter. When I asked her about it, she told me flat out, that this was noto a book series for guys, that this was a girl's fantasy world. I can buy that, it seems that way to me, I'll just let it go there. And for the record, this friend likes Kevin Smith, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, and Nightmare on Elm Street (but doesn't like Evil Dead)

Didn't think so.

I can't even be arsed to sum up the energy to slate him and it.

For shame, Harry, for shame.

It's vile and evil and should not be given a pass on any level.

It's funny, safe for work and required reading on this subject.

Edward has some rough sex with her, and then they sulk for a few pages. Then despite the fact that he's undead, so should be firing blanks she undergoes a laughably accelerated pregnancy.

In a scene somewhat ripped off from Alien, the foetus (that werewolf paedo has "imprinted" on) tries to claw it's way out of her uterus.

Edward performs an Emergency C-section by chewing his way through to release it. This turns her into a sparkly vampire like the rest of them.

I've actually made this sound quite good, but I assure you that it isn't

Moronic badly written drivel competently performed.

You should have told him that it's moronic tween romance dreck masquerading as a Vampire film. And it encourages self harm.

"Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion."

I had no idea this piece of shit book or film series even existed until about a month ago. Everything I've seen or heard has pointed to this being fucking awful.

A vampire that practices abstinence is exactly the same as a chick who does... FUCKING USELESS!

Before Sunrise is sensational and Twatlight is evil, poorly written propaganda.

It doesn't make sense.

Give me "Salem's Lot", "Near Dark", any of the classics with Lee, Cushing, or Lugosi, or "Let the Right One In". "Twilight"...phttt!!!

But he drives a volvo, so it's alright.

Therefore Underworld forever pwns twilight. Unless Bella gets fisted.

I'm not saying that Journey to the Center of the Earth is a movie you want to watch more than once, but with your family it's a decent night of entertainment. Yet Harry calls it a steaming bowl of dicks. But this Mormon trash is worth watching twice?

I'm not going to be a dick and say this movie shouldn't have been made. Hell, fanboys have movies made just for them all the time, why shouldn't teenage girls get something they can appreciate too? Titanic was 10 years ago so I'd say tweens were due something.

But this review shouldn't come as a shock to anyone. And at this point, anyone coming to AICN and reading beyond Harry's subject lines are masochists.

This isn't hard.

This is the first time I've called you out. But this is really shameful.

Nothing wrong with abstinence, in theory.

To be honest, I can't be arsed to type it out again, as I've done it solidly for about a week now, so please refer to the link I posted above. You have to wade through a lot of her review, but she periodically stops and outlines where it is pushing LDS agenda. (Rather than LSD agenda, which would be much more fun)And as an ex-mormon, she puts it better than me.

Looks a bit pathetic from the trailer, and the descriptions of the movie in this review and the other early screening post make it sound like the self-insertion fan-fic rubbish I was expecting.

I'm glad that You and the Missus liked it Harry but seriously, as a film lover, do you not think you could have actually mentioned the 'film' aspects as well as the cloyingly trite romance at the core? I mean I seemingly recall someone waxing masturatory over the pretty cinematography when talking about Before Sunset....

Imagine two vamps on a date..

Vamp 1: "How's your Chinese food?"

Vamp 2: "Still kicking a bit, maybe I should go ahead and break his neck after I drink a bit."

She trembled with anticipation, but he gently stroked her hair, his perfect rythm soothing her nerves.

Gently she reached inside to reveal him in all his perfect tumenescense, and gladly took his marbled perfection in her mouth.

She knew that she would be picking glitter out of her teeth and hair for weeks, but it was a price she would willingly pay to kiss such perfection"

She looked at his hand, he had chosen The Smiths. A perfect choice.

As he bent over to place the disk in her CD player, she felt her heart tremble again, a feeling that was only amplified when the opening to "Meat is Murder" began to play.

The moon cast a shard of silver light across his perfect chest as he peeled off his shirt, and Bella felt a certain quickness begin to gather between her thighs."

But there's some places even I won't go.

I would then finish, wipe my mouth with my sleeve and yell out "Somebody give me a beer!"

I would also chain smoke, lighting one with the other ALL FUCKING DAY.

I will get you some stock footage.

If this movie adheres to the dialog (and I use that term loosely) and childish and simplistic thoughts and feelings of the characters, it is going to suck royally.

There's only so much you can do.

I can tell you one thing for certain, I wouldn't go back to high school and I certainly wouldn't be stalking some drippy little gothette that smells of pate.

"sign me up for BetweenHisDiamondThighs"

"Iâ €™m a sucker "

To paraphrase 40-Year Old Virgin, you know how I know you're gay..."I’ve seen the film twice .. I like the film more than she does."

Hey Harry I just calls 'em how I sees 'em.

Except he isn't a vampire. By any reasonable definition. Pervert/ stalker/ fucking glitterman/ Joseph Smith substitute= yes. Vampire= no.

And we all know how good that was anyway.

So it's really a steaming bucket of camel dung with no redeeming features and nary a space potato to be seen.

RE-PROGRAMMING IS IN ORDER!!

"Now bend over and take this 200 year old sequoia!"

Nowadays, it's literature.

---Our Lord Mitt Romney

---September 24, 1996

My point was that many boys and men will go see superdumb movies with a lot of shit blowing up, karate fights, or gun fights. Women will go see superdumb movies if they involve star-crossed lovers or other romantic tropes.

And isn't it a *good* thing? The growing? I always like coming to this site because it had a personal touch. You want straight up non-pussyjuiced reviews? Entertainment Weekly is calling you; feel the blah.

And BTW, I have never read any of the books nor have seen the movie but I'm not going to dismiss the power of fanism out of hand. Myopic, if you ask me. And a double standard. Puts me in mind when people ragged on Diablo for best screenplay *nudge*

To be fair, the middle is alright and entertaining despite some goddamn awful dialogues. The ending blew, though. I went to see Twilight just out of curiosity. Just remember, it takes the nerve of steel to endure the first 10 or so minutes of amateur high school play shit until Edward saves dumb brunette's life, then the movie really picks up. Kristen Stewart barely act, but she is hot in the movie even if she was barely legal. Her chest in some scenes had my blood flowing. Guess that makes me an ephebophile like 118-year old hopeless romantic virgin Edward (until he drops his seed in Bella's belly in one of the subsequent novel).

It's fucking vampires. Traditional but mythical. Expand your box.

Its not love, its addiction. Its kind of a sexy idea, but I wouldn't say its Romantic.

Oh, and it was really poor filmmaking, Harry. I'm surprised you excused it, romantic or not.

"Where the young girls are, the young boys soon will follow," said Richie Fay, president of domestic theatrical distribution at Summit Entertainment.

I bet the girls who read these books have at least one Playboy T-shirt in their closet.

This movie looks like it ticks off every box in the "Why I fucking hate the Emo Goth culture right now" category. Hopefully to be avoided like the plague, unless Mrs Spud-To-Be pulls her veto card and calls this as her film. In which case... watch your back, bitch >:D