Oh, and fuck first posters

I'm actually curious to see how this movie will turn out. I've read all 4 books, and while they had their strong suits, it suffered from the same problems that most teen-dramas suffer from: completely unrealistic behavior from the characters involved and horribly contrived plot devices.

The movie, from all the trailers I've seen, looks like shit. But perhaps I'm wrong. It *might* be good, sort of. (But probably not.)

I'll probably just watch Let The Right One In instead. Hahaha.

Not to mention that the art style of the movie looks like muddy shit, rather than an effective darkness.

I honestly feel like it was slapped together in 3 months. Was it?

Vampires run around in daylight because Stephanie Meyer (the author) decided to reinterpret the entire vampire mythology to her own personal liking.

Off the top of my head, Meyer's vampires still retain super strength/super speed/immortality, but the differences are that they can walk around in sunlight (it doesn't kill them, only make them sparkle), they're immune to Christian artifacts, and the only way to kill them is break them up into really tiny pieces and preferably burn them.

And wait a sec, these vampires are walking around in broad daylight?!?!

That was an improvisation started by the original NOSFERATU in 1922 and used as plot gimmick ever since.

Mormon vampires don't drink, don't smoke, don't swear, and don't french kiss. Chance of ridiculous underwear: 95%!

Why in the world would a 100 year old man choose to enroll in high school? High school is universally reviled as one of the most miserable life experiences endured by modern man! The only reason anyone goes is because they have to. A man with a century of knowledge and life experience would have to be pretty sick in the head to moon over a vapid, ugly 16 year old. (If I remember right she's supposed to be clumsy as hell and not especially pretty.) Hell, I'm not even thirty and I think most teenagers are abominable, annoying twits! A 100 year old fart wandering the halls of a modern American high school would be driven nuts by the self-centered whiny arrogant entitled myopic egotistic selfishness on display. If not, he's most likely a pederast on patrol and who'd head straight for cheerleader heaven, not waste time on a bookish, clingy nerd like Bella. What a love story for the ages! The fact that teenage girls across the nation swoon over this ridiculous garbage their complete imbecility. Their idea of a storybook romance is for an asexual ladyman 30 years their senior to sweep them off their feet and solve all their problems. Remember ladies -- your life is worthless without a man, and if he dumps you your life is over! If Edward existed in real life he'd be over at the university scoring chicks old enough to drink and put out without being arrested.

I'm going to repost this every time Harry sanctions another article on this nasty, bigoted, morally bankrupt tween dreck.

Or maybe it was two decades ago and called 'Fright Night'. I can't remember...

Because this is...TAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLKBAAAAA AAAACK!

*pillow runs away laughing*

I appreciate it's an opinion and an early review but the writer has no concept of criticism, only what's different from the book she schlick's over nightly.

Listen, asshole, I watch a hell of a lot of stuff, and do not tend to dismiss things out of hand. However, 2 minutes of research into this dreck (see link I posted earlier) should give you enough of a clue as to why it not only is bad and best avoided but also downright fucking evil propaganda.

And you CLEARLY aren't up to your job as a rating officer, given some of the shit that gets the green light.

So fuck off and die in a pool of your own vomit, you talentless homonculous that is partially responsible for the abysmal output of most studios.

And for the record, asshole, if you can find ONE example of an AICN user that posted negatively about Iron Man then I'll be astounded.

I actually think you're a fucking plant.

Neormancer is bang fucking on. If this is successful, then watch out for 1 million wank clones following (that rating officer assholes will give 7/10 because they're so easily fucking satisfied) or if it bombs then we can say goodbye to anything with Vampires (proper ones, not sparkly ones) for a fucking long time.

Clearly rational discussions are not the norm in talkback, it's fucking war here baby!

And this movie looks like a soap opera, so why are you surprised that many on this movie site (which is attracted to Iron Man, LOTR, Indy, etc) don't think this looks good?

I'm not going to see it, except maybe on video. But then again, I'm not the target audience. If I was vampire/mortal love angst, I will read the SEVERAL paranormal romance-series that feature grown adults, rather than a high-schooler. Same reason I haven't read the HP books (and for the record, I think HP is many times better than Twilight) - I like to read books w/ adult main characters, since I'm well into adulthood.

There are lots of valid reasons for disliking twilight (trailer looks like shit, it's evil mormon propaganda etc), and you have the fucking temerity to bitch about us Geeks hating it? Fine, go and see it, give it your easily pleased 7 out of 10 but don't fucking slam on us that dislike it and it's ilk. If you have any balls at all then I expect to see you back here apologising to everyone that was negative and admitting that perhaps we knew what we were talking about?

If you can't take Talkback then fuck off to some regulated board- imdb like someone else suggested. This is notorious for being like a cage full of monkeys slinging poo at each other.

Now say sorry.

However, seeing as Scarlett O'Hara basically is a young Blanche Dubois it isn't that surprising.

Or to put it simply, Naked Anna Paquin > Fembot vampires who look more like chicks than their female co-stars.

Would it be taking it too far to fantasize about nailing her on a piano?

They fancy whatshisname, not the genre. You'd have more chance turning Judy Bloom readers into crack whores than converting them.

I'd finished with you, twat that you clearly are, and commented on Gone With The Wind, open minds and twilight fans and you come back with that.

To quote DGDB: Fuck off.

It's thinly veiled mormon propaganda with a loathsomely anti-feminist message.

Why would any woman (note I say woman not teenage girl) be into this?

Sound like your wife is correct. This unadulterated kiddie Mormon porn.

Not to mention the fact that it's snidely racist as well.

Mind you, the whole mormon faith is.

It's repellent shit and you frankly don't need an open mind- just an open internet connection, half a brain and 5 minutes of research.

Something that is clearly beyond film school cinema rater up there.

So Twilight is ANTI-OBAMA.

Not to mention the fact that he tries to kiss her by force or some such shit, and everyone approves.

And this is before you even get on to the weird stalklerness of the hero or the fact that the Vampires have "powers" as some kind of deus ex machina (one of the bad vampires has the power to run away- and I'm not joking about that) including the ability to see the future (which only works when the author needs it), or telepathy that inexplicably doesn't work on whatshername because she is a "private person".

Now I think about it, it's got a lot of the same flaws heroes has.

And don't get me started on the misogyny of the fucking books- which is suprising seeing as the author is female.

Speaking of...the way vampires die on True Blood is sweet. None of that bursting into flame bullshit, the fuckers basically turn inside out and explode. It's sick as fuck but cool.

Amazon.com

"Softly he brushed my cheek, then held my face between his marble hands. 'Be very still,' he whispered, as if I wasn't already frozen. Slowly, never moving his eyes from mine, he leaned toward me. Then abruptly, but very gently, he rested his cold cheek against the hollow at the base of my throat."

As Shakespeare knew, love burns high when thwarted by obstacles. In Twilight, an exquisite fantasy by Stephenie Meyer, readers discover a pair of lovers who are supremely star-crossed. Bella adores beautiful Edward, and he returns her love. But Edward is having a hard time controlling the blood lust she arouses in him, because--he's a vampire. At any moment, the intensity of their passion could drive him to kill her, and he agonizes over the danger. But, Bella would rather be dead than part from Edward, so she risks her life to stay near him, and the novel burns with the erotic tension of their dangerous and necessarily chaste relationship.

Meyer has achieved quite a feat by making this scenario completely human and believable. She begins with a familiar YA premise (the new kid in school), and lulls us into thinking this will be just another realistic young adult novel. Bella has come to the small town of Forks on the gloomy Olympic Peninsula to be with her father. At school, she wonders about a group of five remarkably beautiful teens, who sit together in the cafeteria but never eat. As she grows to know, and then love, Edward, she learns their secret. They are all rescued vampires, part of a family headed by saintly Carlisle, who has inspired them to renounce human prey. For Edward's sake they welcome Bella, but when a roving group of tracker vampires fixates on her, the family is drawn into a desperate pursuit to protect the fragile human in their midst. The precision and delicacy of Meyer's writing lifts this wonderful novel beyond the limitations of the horror genre to a place among the best of YA fiction. (Ages 12 and up) --Patty Campbell

---------------

From Publisher's Weekly's starred review: "The main draw here is Bella's infatuation with outsider Edward, the sense of danger inherent in their love, and Edward's inner struggle—a perfect metaphor for the sexual tension that accompanies adolescence. These will be familiar to nearly every teen, and will keep readers madly flipping the pages of Meyer's tantalizing debut."

From Becky Anderson, of Anderson's Bookshops: "What a totally amazing debut! Twilight is that rare story that combines suspense, desire, love and friendship with an awesome twist on the vampire genre! Both young adults and adults will be "sucked" into Edward's and Bella's world and beg for more, especially after they turn the last page. I can't wait for the next book!"

From Karen Rosenthal, Children's Department Manager for R.J. Julia Booksellers (printed in Publisher's Weekly's "Galley Talk"): "I'm not usually a vampire book reader, but I haven't read a book in a long time that had as much sexual tension and creepy terror throughout as Twilight by Stephenie Meyer [Little, Brown]. The main character is extremely compelling. The protagonist is so consumed with her crush on him that she blocks everything else, and the fact that he's a vampire adds a whole other level. It really is the perfect crossover book. It will appeal to kids who read fantasy and darker books, but also kids who like more realistic fiction like Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, and all those kids who read Gossip Girl... It's a riveting action book but thoughtful as well. Sometimes teen books can be plot-driven and the quality of the writing goes out the window, but this one has both."

Mind you, you'd wake up and find the inevitable smiths CD and know for sure that you weren't going to make it out of her place without having to listen to some tripe about her parents' divorce.

Doesn't make it good though.

I haven't felt this strongly that a film is evil since Forrest Gump.

Written by a mormon woman. Very funny and absolutely scathing.

It always struck me as some sort of proto- Handmaid's Tale kind of thing.

Not to mention stalk teenage cretins that smell like foie gras?

And yes....ignored by me fucker. I WILL IGNORE YOU. How difficult is that to comprehend?

Annoying twat. Kill yourself.

I'm going to check.

Reported by: Dan Rascon

Last Update: 11/10 5:48 pm

(Associated Press) The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is on the hot seat again…this time it’s the Jewish holocaust survivors who are upset.

At a press conference this morning in New York City the American Gathering of Holocaust Survivors said the Church is continuing its practice of baptizing Holocaust victims.

It’s part of the ordinance the Church calls Baptism for the Dead which it does inside its temples.

The issue of baptizing holocaust victims started back in 1995 when Ernest Michel who is a holocaust survivor found out his parents had been baptized by proxy in the Las Vegas LDS Temple.

“I was shocked I couldn’t understand how the church will do that go gave them the right,” said Michel at a press conference in New York.

In 1995 the Church removed 260 thousand holocaust victims’ names from his family history records, and since then it has removed another 43 thousand names.

“We’ve been true to our word,” said Elder Lance B. Wickman from Church headquarters in Salt Lake City.

Wickman says the church made an agreement in 1995 to remove all the names and stop the practice, which he says the church has done and continues to do.

“We would not want our doctrine to be thought in anyway as an infringement upon or dishonoring the lives of those who perished in the holocaust. Ours is an offering of love to be freely accepted or rejected by those who live beyond the veil," Wickman said.

Michel says he’s tired of fighting the issue and his through working with the church to try and come to an agreement.

Uhhhhh yeah. Fuck off.

Abstinence Only programs sure do work well eh, Sarah?!!

And there's one part of the second book where she literally puts in about 40 blank pages.

Yeah, trees- thanks for that.

He hadn't meant to scratch her last time, but he had been unable to control himself. She knew that this time would be different.

She cast a lingering look into his deep eyes before reaching up to the bedside cabinet for the jar of peanut butter. It was time."

Please use: < p > as paragraph breaks (take out the spaces)

1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company.

2. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, you must break off their friendship. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken out of your mind for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.

3. When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror. Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes -- just long enough to bathe and dry and dress and then get out of the bathroom into a room where you will have some member of your family present.

4. When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes. By the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you.

5. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, get out of bed and go into the kitchen and fix yourself a snack, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry, and despite your fears of gaining weight. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you get your mind on something else. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak.

6. Never read pornographic material. Never read about your problem. Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a thought, then an act." The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mind. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act.

7. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books -- Church books -- Scriptures -- Sermons of the Brethren. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of Scripture, preferably from one of the four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. The four Gospels -- Matthew, Mark, Luke and John -- above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities.

8. Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep it in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for the Missionaries, the General Authorities, your friends, your families, but keep the problem out of your mind by not mentioning it ever -- not in conversation with others, not in your prayers. keep it out of your mind! The attitude of a person toward his problem has an effect on how easy it is to overcome. It is essential that a firm commitment be made to control the habit. As a person understands his reasons for the behavior, and is sensitive to the conditions or situations that may trigger a desire for the act, he develops the power to control it.

We are taught that our bodies are temples of God, and are to be clean so that the Holy Ghost may dwell within us. Masturbation is a sinful habit that robs one of the Spirit and creates guilt and emotional stress. It is not physically harmful unless practiced in the extreme. It is a habit that is totally self-centered, and secretive, and in no way expresses the proper use of the procreative power given to man to fulfill eternal purposes. It therefore separates a person from God and defeats the gospel plan.

This self-gratifying activity will cause one to lose his self-respect and feel guilty and depressed, which can in the extreme lead to further sinning. As a person feels spiritually unclean, he loses his interest in prayer, his testimony becomes weak, and missionary work and other Church callings become burdensome, offering no joy and limited success.

To help in planning an effective program to overcome the problem a brief explanation is given of how the reproductive organs in a young man function.

The testes in your body are continually producing hundreds of millions of reproductive cells call spermatozoa. These are moved up a tube called the vas deferens to a place called the ampulla where they are mixed with fluids from two membranous pouches called seminal vesicles and the prostate gland. The resultant fluid is called semen. When the seminal vesicles are full a signal is sent to the central nervous system indicating they are ready to be emptied. The rate at which the filling takes place varies greatly from one person to another, depending on such things as diet, exercise, state of health, etc. For some it may be several times a week, for others twice a month and for others, hardly ever.

It is normal for the vesicles to be emptied occasionally at night during sleep. This is called a wet dream. The impulses that cause the emptying come from the central nervous system. Often an erotic dream is experienced at the same time, and is a part of this normal process. If a young man has consistently masturbated instead of letting nature take its course, the reproductive system is operating at a more rapid pace, trying to keep up with the loss of semen. When he stops the habit, the body will continue to produce at this increased rate, for an indefinite period of time, creating sexual tensions and pressure. These are not harmful and are to be endured until the normal central nervous system pathway of release is once again established.

During this period of control several things can be done to make the process easier and more effective.

As one meets with his Priesthood Leader, a program for overcoming masturbation can be implemented using some of the suggestions which follow. Remember it is essential that a regular report program be agreed on, so progress can be recognized and failures understood and eliminated.

Suggestions

Pray daily, ask for the gifts of the Spirit, that which will strengthen you against temptation. Pray fervently and out lout when the temptations are the strongest.

Follow a program of vigorous daily exercise. The exercises reduce emotional tension and depression and are absolutely basic to the solution of this problem. Double your physical activity when you feel stress increasing.

When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell STOP to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then recite a prechosen Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn. It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge.

Set goals of abstinence, begin with a day, then a week, month, year and finally commit to never doing it again. Until you commit yourself to _never again_ you will always be open to temptation.

Change in behavior and attitude is most easily achieved through a changed self-image. Spend time every day imagining yourself strong and in control, easily overcoming tempting situations.

Begin to work daily on a self-improvement program. Relate this plan to improving your Church service, to improving your relationships with your family, God and others. Strive to enhance your strengths and talents.

Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself to be with others and learn to enjoy working and talking to them. Use principles of developing friendships found in books such as How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

Be aware of situations that depress you or that cause you to feel lonely, bored, frustrated or discouraged. These emotional states can trigger the desire to masturbate as a way of escape. Plan in advance to counter these low periods through various activities, such as reading a book, visiting a friend, doing something athletic, etc.

Make a pocket calendar for a month on a small card. Carry it with you, but show it to no one. If you have a lapse of self control, color the day black. Your goal will be to have no black days. The calendar becomes a strong visual reminder of self control and should be looked at when you are tempted to add another black day. Keep your calendar up until you have at least three clear months.

A careful study will indicate you have had the problem at certain times and under certain conditions. Try and recall, in detail, what your particular times and conditions were. Now that you understand how it happens, plan to break the pattern through counter activities.

In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called aversion therapy. When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eating several of them as you do the act.

During your toileting and shower activities leave the bathroom door or shower curtain partly open, to discourage being alone in total privacy. Take cool brief showers.

Arise immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity.

Keep your bladder empty. Refrain from drinking large amounts of fluids before retiring.

Reduce the amount of spices and condiments in your food. Eat as lightly as possible at night.

Wear pajamas that are difficult to open, yet loose and not binding.

Avoid people, situations, pictures or reading materials that might create sexual excitement.

It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly held in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases.

In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep.

Set up a reward system for your successes. It does not have to be a big reward. A quarter in a receptacle each time you overcome or reach a goal. Spend it on something which delights you and will be a continuing reminder of your progress.

Do not let yourself return to any past habit or attitude patterns which were part of your problem. Satan never gives up. Be calmly and confidently on guard. Keep a positive mental attitude. You can win this fight! The joy and strength you will feel when you do will give your whole life a radiant and spiritual glow of satisfaction and fulfillment."

or at least stop his eyesight from deteriorating further, seeing as he's utterly incapable of reading what other people write.

HuckabeeSaid: "People who are homosexuals should have every right in terms of their civil rights, to be employed, to do anything they want. But that's not really the issue. I know you talked about it and I think you got into it a little bit early on. But when we're talking about a redefinition of an institution, that's different than individual civil rights. We're never going to convince each other...But here is the difference. Bull Connor was hosing people down in the streets of Alabama. John Lewis got his skull cracked on the Selma bridge."

"Avoid people, situations, pictures or reading materials that might create sexual excitement."

Awww fuck. So I can't even go to the fucking bank? There is this redhead teller that gets me up to 30% every damn time.

We need to make a list of all the plants in this TB.

My secret awful movie that I love.

Tank Girl There are so many things cinematically wrog with that film, it's awful in so many ways, but My wife & I find it absoloutely hilarious. "2 dollars & 15cents". I remeber we were in the cinema and it was full of people just all quiet and thinking what is this gaarbage and we (unmarried then) were in hysterics.

Anyone else brave enough to admitting their guilty movie? A dDoug McClure classic perhaps? Or have I just made a total arse of myself by saying something that noone else does?

Citation: "First Blood Part II" novelization by David Morell-"...rarely, on occasion, he'd masturbate."

Sister-Wives Soldiers: (in unison): "We'll all be back!!"

Too late for a Bush pardon, too. Perfect timing!

I also feel no guilt about masturbating to Gina Lynn and Jada Fire porn, because I'm not some stupid brianwashed Mormon imbecile! Fuck, that masturbation abstinence thing Danny posted is scary as hell!

http://tinyurl.com/6apjrk

I'm just sayin'...

No one can tell the difference.

"say it. say I win"

"I WIN"

"say it. say I win"

"I WIN"

"Twilight looks gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys."

This is the verse where they discuss the magic of invisible anal lubrication. Its called "Mormon Spit."

What's Michael Jackson's favorite college?............

Bring um Young University.

Completely USELESS. :(

Progress of sorts. Now just stick to the anti-masturbation guide posted above, and I'm sure you'll make more progress.

And Total Recall is a GOOD film, simply because Verhoeven is a genius.

And I'm not joking.

"with such intensity that I felt tempted to cry several times."

"he stares at her, his face filled with trepidation; as though this moment simultaneously captures his greatest fears and greatest joys all at once."

seriously, who wrote this? A 12 year old girl a plant or motherfucking JAMES LIPTON from inside the actors studio?

In this case, I reserve the right to club you like a baby seal, but I suspect that your bias to this is similar to my (wife annoying) bias towards troma.

What do you want vampires to be called? Vlad?

I personally would like him to be called Nigel.

And are you sure that it wasn't the book he loved, rather than the movie?

I'm sure I read a previous article where he claimed not to have read any of the books but I'm sure we'll find out soon.

And Sookie gets pissed and kicks him out of the house? She was the one kissing another man!

Also mentioned that they killed naked Lizzy, another huge negative! I hope she still comes back to do complications with being on V when "killed".

And the last reveal rocked. I'm glad its not the war veteran, as I'm really digging his brand of comic relief.

Mitt: I am wearing a condom honey. Its invisible.

"Stacey, where are you?" ... LOLOLllLLLL

Don't make me get buck in here!!

Shorty drop em to the ground like she ain't got manners

Too much booty for one man to handle

When all I need is a one night scandal

And ima get buck in here!!

Damn lil' momma you know you fit my standards

You the type to make me grip that handle

Lick shots in the air, bustin' that grandam

While you make it clap clap clap clap clap

You gotta shake that thang, shake that thang

While you make it clap clap clap clap clap

Just shake that thang, shake that thang

It's like Tim the Enchanter.

That much untapped self-lust would no doubt spill over into each other, causing the parents downstairs to wonder if the girls are moving furniture.

In reality, they have both just torn through whatever social barrier that kept them from slamming their mouths together in deep kiss. Tongues probing deep into each other, while hands find their way onto trembling bodies that explode into a purpose-driven mission.

In an instance one breaks free from the kiss and goes down the others neck, instantly transforming one into a submissive posture on the bed, eyes closed and arching her back in wild pleasure.

The other quickly pulls her shirt up and grabs her bra to expose her breasts, heaving with each deeper breath.

She quickly grabs the bottom of the breast to cup it and give the nipple a hard lick and a quick full-mouth suck.

She goes to the other breast and gives it the same attention while her friend bites her bottom lip and starts unbuttoning her pants, lifting her back up to make sure her ass in the air to allow the pants no resistance in coming down and being kicked to the floor.

That's when one girl quickly takes a hand and slides it down to a waiting passion that it already hot and wet.

To her surprise a hand is already down there, quickly sliding up and down, going deeper and deeper until two fingers are quickly jammed in, causing a squeal of pleasure that is muted by a pillow that ironically says 'Hello Kitty!'

And yes, he does have one... cuz he's a BITCH.

I was thinking of one of them adding fingers until she felt the girl wiggle her hips in pain and back one out to add it to her ass.

*starts spraying as his thighs tighten up..*

16 Tween: "Shut UP!! Really? That's so awesome."

Mormons are asked if they believe in God. They are asked if they sustain the current Prophet and "recognize him as the only person on the earth authorized to exercise all priesthood keys". They are asked if they sustain current Mormon General Authorities. They are asked if they live the law of chastity. They are asked if they keep the word of wisdom. They are asked if they are full tithe-payers (those who are not cannot receive temple recommends).

Any Mormons who cannot answer yes to all of these questions run the risk of loosing their temple recommends or loosing positions in the Church. This sets up a systematic progression of lies that are continued into adulthood.

Children as young as 8 years old are asked if they masturbate. Children as young as 12 years old are asked if they masturbate or have "petted" or have "necked" with a partner. Many Mormon children have no idea what any of these terms are. If the child has committed any of these "sins", they are pressed for details. Many are then scorned and told that their acts will lead them to hell. Those who have masturbated are then denied the sacrament and must then be interviewed by the Bishop on a weekly basis until the masturbation has stopped. Mormon children grow up sexually repressed and many grow up emotionally insecure about their own sexuality.

Parents are not allowed in the room at the same time these sexual questions are asked. Mormon parents are not allowed to question Mormon Priesthood authority and do not hesitate to turn their male and female children over to men behind closed doors.

The Mormon Curtain firmly believes that adult men asking sexual questions of minors behind closed doors is a criminal act.

Young Chitty: "If it is clear and not white does that count?"

Mormon priest: "Hmmm"

Warning this will also reveal your age, which will bring out NBC's Chris Hanson from behind the curtian to ponder the reasons on camera of you being there..

http://preview.tinyurl.com/ 84c3t

Church leaders have publicly discussed the above principles and beliefs since the mid-1840s, however, because of the sacredness surrounding temple rites and the garment to many Latter-day Saints, some people have utilized it as a source of humor and parody.[8] Mormon opponents who sold garments on internet auction sites have been criticized.[9]

During the October 2003 General Conference of the Church, some anti-Mormon demonstrators outside the LDS Conference Center reportedly spat and stomped on garments in view of those attending the conference. A scuffle broke out between a protestor and two members of the church who attempted to take the garments from him.[10] To avoid a repeat of the conflict, the municipality of Salt Lake City planned stronger enforcement of fighting words and hate speech laws for the April 2004 Conference in Salt Lake City with new protest buffer zones.

ALL HAIL THE MITT!

Hence the need for new sheets and handsoap to wash the busted-cherry-soaked fingers of tweens.

Clamidia, meet Clamato juice.

Although it would have been better if they had used Tasmanian Devil DNA instead of frog DNA to fill gene sequence gaps.

That triceratops would have been going apeshit with his ravenous beak/maw.

Undercard would be bronto neck-swinging thunderfest.

Main draw would be T-Rex vs. Raptor vs. Mormon throwdown.

Then the stampedes of carnivors would march to the bloody source.

I would by tickets to that, beer and brat in hand.

I would allow hot sauce to give Tabasco a shameless product placement plug.

Although Jehovah's Witness' would had a cardio advantage and could rope-a-dope their way to a win based on stamina.

She says "No, shrimp boil party had corn on the cob."

Then it is dumped on a table and you can pick out the shrimp, potatos, sausage and corn and put them on a plate and eat.

Goes great with light beer and makes your shit look like a corn-eyed baby.

I bet those seatbelts would clinch tight.

Although the lights will also go dim as batteries will only last through the first act and toys will have to be plugged into sockets.

Teeth will be chipped....

More like bloated ripe black plums.

With a big fat bloody seed that has to be picked up between trembling fingers wrapped in issue.

Although you can suck on them for hours and still get that fresh cod taste...

The ushers will have to wipe away seats with bleach and industrial vaccums.

That would explain a lot of the recent trends around here....

Fat Wiccan No. 2: "No that was three days ago, I've been constipated..."

People will look like Ah-nuld and his lady friend gasping for air at the end of Total Recall.

Shit, I'm making myself laugh...

They will power this thing past James Bond in a symphony of eager squeaks and queefs.

It will look like every tween girl has a camp fire happily cracking and popping in their laps.

Vampires + Bicurious tweens = $$$

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v =z-kjM1asH-8

Kate Winslet: "Sorry, I only do guys 16 and under."

"When?"

"About 200 years. Give or take."

Thomas: "Baby don't! It's like you're driving a stake through my heart!"

Thomas: "I'll get the Anal Ease gel and sandpaper to prevent splinters."

He chomps that little mutant half baby loose, then licks his lips afterwards and says "tastes like chicken".

And the bitch still doesn't have the decency to die.

I knew virtually nothing about the backstory going in, but surveying the audience as they filed in gave me the willies - 99% female, 98% of that adolescent, and a (forgive me) unavoidably noticeable percentage of those were small groups of loud, morbidly obese swooners, tricked out in every imaginable piece of "Twilight" merch - it was like a crowd of chickenshit, fake-Goth "Rocky Horror" wannabes.

Wannabes in the sense of an entire mini-subculture of girls that will never even find the nerve to become a Janet BEFORE she gets hipped to the possibilities of liberation - A bunch of nervous, sexually-terrified delusionistas, who if they ever DO land a similarly pathetic male will probably cling to the entire "Beautiful Abstinence" bullshit even AFTER the marriage, instead of growing the fuck up. The unwashed, tatted-up, high-school-drop-out, WalMart-employee, Sarah-Palin-voting Jesus Freaks of the future. Yee...Ikes.

Suffice to say, the AUDIENCE creeped me out far more than the fucking MOVIE did. Not one remotely frightening or threatening moment in the whole thing, and I'm no high-tolerance gorehound fan of slasher shit, either - To me, a good horror movie is "The Silence Of The Lambs" or "Near Dark" or even "Apt Pupil" - movies that fuck with you, that confront uncomfortable ideas about society and personal identity

But this "Twilight" is just pure grade-school romantic pablum for the permanently afraid. Afraid to live, afraid to color outside the lines, afraid to experience anything that might actually hurt them - this movie does not CONFRONT those fears, it CONGRATULATES them. Shit, the closest thing to a subversive idea that I could detect was the idea of the heroine being the sexual predator, and the boyfriend holding on to the Abstinence ideal, instead of the usual Other-Way-Around. The Perfect Boyfriend for future Control Freaks - every other girl in the school wants him, but he only has eyes for The One - and he's too shit-scared to even ATTEMPT the tiniest molecule of rebellion or violation or any expression of plain old Male Pride - his entire act is one long moping whine of "I'm not GOOD enough for you." Keep the kind of woman that lives for that bullshit the fuck away from me, Thank You Very Much.

And the FX DO suck on ice, by the way.

.............................. .............................. ...........

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