If there isn't outrageous gore, ludicrous weapons, horrible dialogue and female nekkitude I will be outraged, yes, outraged I say!

SOLD!

Almost.

Bring on the sword fights and wenches!

The man has no shame...

Filthy.

Skimm, are you talking about Ralph Bakshi's "Fire and Ice" or something more recent?

And what has he done since......................... ............?

I'm qutie simply staggered. THis is the best news for ages.

I sense this is going to become my pet project for a good while- plants, cretins, snobs, mouthbreathers, baton droppers beware! Slate this film and I'm gonna call for a full pencil jihad.

"Come now, let's be off. There's a battle in the offing! We've got kingdoms to save and women to love!"

Awesome, awesome cheese.

So far I've had this, Beastmaster, Conan the Barbarian and Red Sonja (which is crap on every level), and I've got Conan the Destroyer, Krull and some others to come.

Just wonderful

I truly hope Hawk the Slayer is on that list of yours.

"VOLTAAAN!!! You will DIE by this sword!"

THey just don't make them like this anymore.

A must-see in other words.

http://www.eccentric-cinema.co m/cult_movies/deathstalker.htm

I have to see this.

Must watch now....

Reb Brown lives!

Don't know how 3 and 4 are, I'm afraid.

Hysterically, Lovefilm had Deathstalker but didn't have Beastmaster (I had to buy it), they really are a group of fucking idiots- and they still don't have Army of Darkness.

Also starring Christopher Lee in a bad hat.

It isn't a patch on the first one though. I always feel like calling Trade Descriptions when I watch that because the monster does not have a pumpkin head. I feel robbed.

Man, I hope he died of a heroin overdose when he hit his teenage years.

Gotta keep the hit count up, right AICN?

And I don't give a fuck about GI Joe.

That makes this the most relevant TB here.

and anyone that puts "Electric Boogaloo" into one should be dragged out into the street painted with pig's blood and then fed to crocodiles. In the street, because getting to Croc country sounds like a hassle.

Fuckers.

Especially when I heard who was directing it- that film is going to be this year's Transformers. (and do you want to bet that appears on the posters somewhere)

Hot twins may make up for the lack of sorceress though.

Jarv - nice pickup on the Jeff/TB/JJ4P in that other thread.

Yeah, this is worth checking out to do a cheese comparison. Is 2008 cheese better than last century cheese?

Shit! I meant "Four BREASTED women?!!" What the hell is a breated woman anyway?

When I get off my arse and start Jarv Productions (as soon as I find some rich mug to pay for it) I'm going to commission a whole raft of sword and sorcery stupidity. IT will be great.

Don't miss the other Italian schlockers, like Fulci's Conquest as well as Ironmaster with George fucking Eastman. Amazingly entertaining garbage of the highest order.

Barbarian Queen with Lana Clarkson (Damn you to hell, Phil Spector!) is pretty cool too. Watch for the amazon extra on horseback who is chewing gum.

And yes, Beastmaster 2 is atrocious - despite Wings Hauser.

http://tinyurl.com/3qj394

http://tinyurl.com/6erenc

Jarv Productions came about when we were discussing Beastmaster last time and me and Kloipy started messing about with Beastmaster 4 (The cunningly titled "Ringpiece of the Worm" although I'm thinking of changing that to "Ringpiece of the wyrm") shot on a mobile phone in Regent's Park zoo to save on budget costs.

It would have been a fat slice of deep fried gold. GOLD I TELLS YA

Never cared for the Beastmaster stuff but I did like Verhooven's Flesh and Blood and to some degree Dragonslayer.

Never had the chance to see Krull after all these years, but after playing Dark Sector on Xbox 360,(whose pragtagonist uses a weapon just like that boomerang in Krull) I just might check it out.

It just reduces the potentially awesome to Last Action Hero (arguably the worst film ever made) levels of suckitude.

He's in chuck at the moment as the head of the CIA.

I rate candyman- it scared the shit out of me when I was 13.

To borrow DocP's analogy- The Zone is like Taco Bell in Demolition Man, whereas TB is the Mos Eisley Cantina. It depends what you want.

Regarding title spamming- I put the ownage to USS Dickless hard in the Indy TB so I think it should slow down. Every time I catch someone doing it I'm going to flay them.

Who fucking started it anyway.

And yes, I also love Reign of Fire. Crap, sure, but underrated all the same. In fact, I consider it an unofficial sequel to Dragonslayer in some ways. The locations are pretty much the same in both movies, the dragons similar and they're both Disney movies (by way of Touchstone).

The Hobbit's Smaug is going to have to be something extraordinary if it wants to be anything but Vermithrax Pejorative's little lizard bitch.

Seriously, stupid monsters, Sky Pirates, a whole village full of nekkid women based on playboy bunnies and an evil empire. It could be great.

Or at least entertainingly poo.

And the worst thing about it is that I went into it expecting to see London get levelled by Dragons (which would be cool) and did we get it? Did we fuck.

That's a bigger con than Pumpkinhead not having a Pumpkin for a head.

FUCKING MISREP. BASTARDS. The equivalent is not getting to see the White House explode in ID4

I object to how we are painted as complete pussies in that film. Do they not know that we love booze and fighting? It's hardwired into our DNA

I did like the concept though

I don't give a fuck about Christian Bale trying to grow vegetables in the North. Fuck that. I want to see some Mano-e-Dragon action, with some incineration and aerial dogfighting. I don't want to see preaching, whinging and fog.

Basically, if you're going to do a film like that then you'd better bring TOTAL FUCKING DESTRUCTION. Especially when that's what the poster promises

I really need a rich idiot to bankroll me.

Other forthcoming Jarv Producitons presentations shall be the Jack the Ripper prequel to Dark Angel, Beastmaster 4: Ringpiece of the Wyrm, 2lane Blood top, and I'm going to blatantly rob the DTV thread for the rest of them.

I haven't even looked and I bet that is the case.

However.

Americans didn't come off in a very positive light either. They're portrayed as basically being a bunch of tattooed, gun-toting, prejudiced, homicidal retards.

What can I say? It's a guilty pleasure for me. I understand its full crapness and would have liked to see it deliver on its promise of worldwide (or even nationwide) carnage, but dammit, I still like it.

So not only are we hippy cabbage growing pussies, but we're morons as well.

I loved the hell out of that movie - seeing Alexander Siddig utter the immortal line "Try the scope you wanker!" - and always kind of knew that the whole bit promised us on the poster was never going to be there due to budgetary restrictions. But ironically, I think keeping it at the grass roots level - seeing it all through the eyes of Bale and Butler primarily - made it more real. If you'd had all the TOTAL FUCKING DESTRUCTION we'd been promised then yes, it would've been fucking awesome - summer tentpole movie stuff - but it would've had the emotional depth of, say, ID4. It's the difference between GODZILLA and CLOVERFIELD - I enjoyed both movies (yes, GODZILLA too) but GODZILLA was primarily a thrill ride monster movie with little character development moments but lots of city-smashing, and CLOVERFIELD had little in the way of spectacle but a lot in the way of character moments, a brilliantly sustained feeling of dread and way more verisimilitude. In short, GODZILLA was more spectacular, but CLOVERFIELD was more real. This is why I loved REIGN OF FIRE - REIGN OF FIRE as we'd imagined from the poster would have been spectacular, but would it have had the emotional resonance and verisimilitude that the movie version had?

Now if they'd do a movie that encompassed spectacle AND realism - that would be Hollywood heaven right there...

"THIS -- IS -- NORTHUMBERLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND! !!!!"

And then gone and fucked Izabella Scorupco, while Bale went off and grew fruit.

i will concede that it isn't completely shit, and it certainly isn't asnywhere near as good as it should have been- my original point stands, it seems like they had all these ideas but couldn't afford them. Unfortunately they'd already commissioned all the promo material

"Gerard Butler should've kicked his fucking ass right there and then. Then kicked his ass into a well while bellowing:

"THIS -- IS -- NORTHUMBERLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND! !!!!"

And then gone and fucked Izabella Scorupco, while Bale went off and grew fruit."

Can you imagine Gerald butler doing that with shit bits of England:

THIS IS WAAAAAATFOOOOOOORRRRRRRD!!!!!! !!

or THIS IS LUUUUUUUTTTTTTOOOOOOON

Obviously he'd have to buy a hoodie though.

I've never been to Slough. Apparently it's where paperclips go to die.