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Vern’s Been PISTOL WHIPPED By Seagal!

I'm gonna take you to the bank... by BrandonGK	Feb 29th, 2008 07:07:23 AM
To the blood bank!
"I'm just a cook" by _SnakePlissken_	Feb 29th, 2008 07:09:29 AM
a lowly lowly cook
This is for my wife by Grammaton Cleric Binks	Feb 29th, 2008 07:12:13 AM
Fuck you and die.
Sorry, I usually try to refrain from profanity by Grammaton Cleric Binks	Feb 29th, 2008 07:14:04 AM
but it's a classic line. Truth is I haven't seen anything of Seagal's in ages. I haven't seen anything since Under Siege 2, and haven't seen all his up to then. However, Above the Law and Hard to Kill are on every guy movie list. Nuff said.
Makes Me Wanna See a Seagal Movie . . . by kevinwillis.net	Feb 29th, 2008 07:14:12 AM
How fucked up is that? What's next, a Jean Claude Vandamme revival?
The DTV never dies!Thanks Vern...... by travis-dane	Feb 29th, 2008 07:17:50 AM
I hope you are right and Seagal gets back in full asskicking mode!
"masterful DTV era Seagal" by kwisatzhaderach	Feb 29th, 2008 07:24:41 AM
Genius.
Seagal has what others don't by teh ran	Feb 29th, 2008 07:43:20 AM
the audience behind him when he's kicking ass!! Fire down below is my favourite Seagal film and it's a great example of action and story working perfectly. There's nothing about that film I could criticise and I'd never get bored of watching it. I'm looking forward to Vern's book here in the UK!!
"11 ball kicks = good effort" by thatpeterguy	Feb 29th, 2008 07:50:28 AM
Aaah Vern. Good to have you back buddy.
by comparison... by teh ran	Feb 29th, 2008 07:52:44 AM
I remember when Harry made a big deal about Arnie's turn in End of Days where he was playing a washed up cop and how it was so convincing and almost made him cry (I think that's the gist of it), however it turned out to be a pile of crap with the Austrian Oak (tm) just turning in another stilted performance, because he lacks the ability to emote in the English language. I agree that Seagal needs to mature in outlook, but he can still kick ass. One of the most believable scenes I can remember is the final scene in Unforgiven, when Clint say's 'I'll come back and kill every one of you son's of bitches' and I believed every single word of it!! That's where Seagal needs to go because he's an intimidating guy.
Unforgiven 2: Electric Boogaloo by teh ran	Feb 29th, 2008 07:54:25 AM
A Seagal western...I hope there are some studio hacks reading!
My fav Seagal films (who knew that I actually had favorites) by Stalkeye	Feb 29th, 2008 07:59:28 AM
1.Under Seige Mostly due to Tommy Lee Jones' villian Stranix and not to mention Gary Busy: "Do I look like I need a psychological evaluation"? while dressed in drag. 2.Marked for Death: In which Seagal takes on a Jamaican druglord..twice! 3.Under Seige 2: Once again the villians outshine Seagal with quotes like "..yeah, I faked my death just to catch you two fucking" and "you ruined my coat.." 4.The Glimmer man: Nice pairing of Seagal and Wayans with a gasp good plot for a Segal vehicle, however the part in which Wayans says of Seagal's character:"He fights like Bruce Lee, but only better!" was blasphemous. WTF!?! My main gripe with Segal's movies is that the fucker never breaks a sweat or puts up a challenge.With him everything is "all too easy" shit, even Rambo nearly get's his ass handed to him.Akido can only get you so far 'till some fucker antcipates your move and counter via kick to the nuts or a well placed shuto to the throat.let's see some humility for a change Stevie.
Good stuff Vern. by Stuntcock Mike	Feb 29th, 2008 08:08:49 AM
Reading that review brought a smile to my face.
I know the guy who wrote this by BackwardGalaxy	Feb 29th, 2008 08:19:45 AM
The director called him up one day, all apologetic, and said, "He's (Seagal) just making lines up now". Nice.
11 ball kicks? Oleg did 11 ball kicks before he was born! by ironic_name	Feb 29th, 2008 08:29:54 AM

He lost weight for Urban Justice by grampageezer	Feb 29th, 2008 08:48:55 AM
I just rented Urban Justice and was glad to see Seagal back to his old form, unlike Flight of Fury, which was ridiculous. I can't imagine a fighter pilot flying at 80,000 feet and not using his oxygen mask. But then again, how would we know it's him if we couldn't see his face? Seagal appeared to have lost a lot of weight for Urban Justice and there were plenty of scenes where he appeared in full-body shots kicking butt like the old days and not just from the waist up, like his last 5 or 6 movies, For a while there he was getting as wide as Marlon Brando. Gotta give the man props for losing the weight and rejuvenating his career.
Fact: Henriksen makes everything better. by Sledge Hammer	Feb 29th, 2008 08:55:36 AM
Even if only for the duration that he's actually on screen. Anyway, an enjoyable Seagal film again? The dickens you say!
Seagal, Eastwood, Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Van-Damme, Dudikoff, by DarthBakpao	Feb 29th, 2008 08:57:22 AM
...Kurt Russell, David Carradine, Chuck Norris, Mark Dacascos, Alain Delon, Dolph Lundgren, Mel Gibson, Chow Yun-Fat, Jackie Chan, Sonny Chiba, Yasuaki Kurata, Michael Pare, should all do an action movie together
Lets face it, Vern by Franklin T Marmoset	Feb 29th, 2008 09:09:33 AM
You are not ONE of the top Seagalogists; you are THE top Seagalogist - probably on the planet. Does anyone dare challenge your knowledge of Seagalism? I don't think so. In fact, I highly doubt even Steven Seagal knows as much about Steven Seagal as you do. My hat is off to you. P.S. On an entirely unrelated note, fuck Rifftrax. Just garbage, I can't believe they can afford to advertise on AICN (or maybe it's just that cheap to advertise here, I don't know). Anyone in the mood for alternative commentaries should, of course, check out the guys at Adudathuda Studios.
DarthBakpao, you forgot... by Sledge Hammer	Feb 29th, 2008 09:11:51 AM
Steve James, Rutger Hauer, Richard Roundtree, Bruce Willis, Wesley Snipes, Gary Busey, Sho Kosugi, Carl Weathers, Sonny Landham, Nick Nolte, oh, and Michael Biehn as the "military guy". .
Vern getting better at ripping-off Joe Bob Briggs by joshtownsend	Feb 29th, 2008 09:39:00 AM
Or maybe you could call your reviews homages. I actually enjoy reading these 'reviews are more enjoyable than the movie'-reviews and think your a good writer. But something in the back of my head thinks there are a few dog-eared copies of joe bob briggs' books in the prison library with VERN SPERM making the pages stick. Glad I got that off my chest actually signed up to see if you'd take a public stance on any these allegations. Funny article. Add in some fu's and give a breast count i'd think it was Joe bob briggs in his prime.
Thank you Vern! and a request by Kloipy	Feb 29th, 2008 09:49:33 AM
Loved the review, and as a new watcher of Seagal, I will put this on my list to see. Could you please review Pumpkinhead 4? I saw Lance was in it again, and I've heard it's actually not half bad, but I'd trust your review if I could get one. Thanks
WHERE IS "HARD PANDA"? by Stuntcock Mike	Feb 29th, 2008 09:49:37 AM
Charles Durning as the voice of the panda. True story.
Steve James is dead. by travis-dane	Feb 29th, 2008 10:03:05 AM
He died in the early 90`s.RIP.
O.k Vern, your book is on my Amazon wish list by Stuntcock Mike	Feb 29th, 2008 10:11:54 AM
Can't wait.
Joshtownsend by Gilkuliehe	Feb 29th, 2008 10:20:34 AM
I never heard of that reviewer and after your post I went and checked him. And sorry but that Joe Bob guy has nothing on my man Vern. Sorry. Just take any movie both guys have reviewed and compare. Vern wins. And is completely different in style and execution, so there.
You're right frg10 by Stalkeye	Feb 29th, 2008 10:31:23 AM
How the fuck could I forget Above the Law which was Seagal's major debut? with underated Henry Silva as the heavy and Blaxploitation goddess Pam Grier as his partner (Jax) it should be right under Under Seige on my list. That's what happens when I recover from Happy Hour after work.I did'nt care much for Out For Justice. Forsythe always delivers (even in The Devil's Rejects.)but that intro in which Seagal throws that pimp through the car window, with the title "Out for Justice" was a bit too Nacho. (cheesy) Oh yeah poor Stevie (James) died of pancreatic cancer awhile ago, unfortunatley he never had major roles outside of American Ninja and I'm gonna get you sucker.On another different subject I wonder who QT will cast for the Inglorious Bastards remake? There's plenty of out of work action actors to choose from.
" by Read and Shut Up	Feb 29th, 2008 10:35:14 AM

"I'll Take Him to The Bank. The BLOOD Bank." by Read and Shut Up	Feb 29th, 2008 10:36:03 AM
Best worst SS line, from the Citizen Kane-like "Hard to Kill."
by redkamel	Feb 29th, 2008 10:44:57 AM
man I think I am going to buy this movie just for that last line about being buried vs cremated. I literally almost sprayed my water all over my keyboard, and its not even 9am
Josh by Vern	Feb 29th, 2008 10:48:15 AM
I categorically deny your accusations. I do remember a column from that dude ran in a paper here back in the '80s and I liked his subject but not really his whole shtick of listing how many boobs and shit. I have not followed him at all but I have to admit when I listened to his commentary on I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE I realized he deserved more credit than I thought, that is a very smart and entertaining commentary.
On Deadly Ground, only cause it's unintentionally funny. by StudioPlant69	Feb 29th, 2008 10:58:07 AM
I loved your father (met him for the first time the day before) and I loved the spirit world. Saving the environment...by blowing up an oil refinery? R. Lee Ermy - "You could drop this guy off in the Artic circle naked and he'd be at your door with a million dollar smile and fist full of pesos" Now that's comedy gold! Michael Caine in all his hammy over the top goodness! A pre Oscar Billy Bob Thorton. The silly slap fight/bar fight scene - cinematic history! All of it written, starring, and directed by Mr. Seagal. Oh and I am seriously man crushing on Vern, in a non-gay way.
DarthBakpao and Sledge you both forgot by Grammaton Cleric Binks	Feb 29th, 2008 11:33:57 AM
Samuel L. Jackson, Jet Li, Bolo Yeung, and Jason Satham. The name of the combined movie should be "Too Many Bad Mo Fos For Your Bitch Ass to Handle." Now who did I forget?
Vern, you are correct. Out for Justice is the best SS film by Stuntcock Mike	Feb 29th, 2008 11:54:15 AM
The violence is mean-spirited. The way it should be.
Absolute best moment of Urban Justice by reverend jack sayer	Feb 29th, 2008 12:20:52 PM
was the Golden line: "I'ma be doin' the f---in' now."
ahem. by reverend jack sayer	Feb 29th, 2008 12:23:36 PM
"I'ma be doin' the FUCKin' now"
Vern by brycebishop	Feb 29th, 2008 12:36:25 PM
Are you the same guy who so vociferously stated that you were an ADULT and therefore didn't care to know about comic 'strips' on the Justice League message board? Yet here you are gleefully recounting the artistic merits of Steven 'One-Face, One-Voice' Seagal. You have the cojones to talk about Seagal's "heart-on-his-sleeve sincerity"?!?!?!?! Gimme a break, dude. Steven Seagal belongs in the DVD bin at Wal-Mart, and there he'll stay.
POWER-THIRST by beefywhore	Feb 29th, 2008 12:40:13 PM
Try Steven Segal's Lightning Bolt energy Drink...its like a Cherry Flavored Lightning Bolt in a can!!!
Vern - I believe you by joshtownsend	Feb 29th, 2008 01:03:24 PM
Thanks for clearing that up. I actually signed up just to ask you that. I think you do write very entertaining columns about bad movie and maybe thats why you come across so similar. You should check it some of Joe Bob's classic '80s reviews and you can see the similarity. Anyway keep up the good work and stop letting your politics get in the way of your film criticism,
by joshtownsend	Feb 29th, 2008 01:04:16 PM
please....I mean of course
Liked Urban Justice... by Mastastic	Feb 29th, 2008 02:19:12 PM
..and I'll definitely be picking up Pistol Whipped.
speaking of van damme by GavinVanDraven	Feb 29th, 2008 02:34:42 PM
i am watching The Shepherd tonight.... JCVD's new flick... maybe i will post a "review". or at least let you guys know if it sucks or not. i havent seen the new seagal one, but he kinda lost me a few years back....
Segal vs. Van Damme!!!!!!!!!!!!! by crackerfarmboy	Feb 29th, 2008 02:54:29 PM
I demand it!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks Vern! by BillyPilgrim	Feb 29th, 2008 02:58:25 PM
Great review! I've been a closet Segal fan since Out for Justice. He's had flashes of greatness on his DTV's. But the flashes were few and far between. Generally leaving you with a sad feeling cause they reminded you of his past greatness. I'm hoping that this movie is his climb out of the cesspool. May he rise like a phoenix and spread his Segalian joy to the little children of the world. This new generation needs to learn the secrets of the 11 ball-kick way.
two things i like about Seagal by Prossor	Feb 29th, 2008 03:17:17 PM
1.his villains are mule mean but he steam rolls through them, it makes me giddy to watch 2.he seems to look out for the little guy, the folks who always get picked on. a true hero!!
Well done on the Titan deal Vern! by Sasha Petrosevitch	Feb 29th, 2008 04:43:32 PM
Another great review. The trailer looked weak but I'm excited again. Great to hear Seagalogy's getting a big relaunch. I read imported the original self-published volume and enjoyed it a lot. I hope to self-publish publish my own Seagal book later this year. It's called The Steven Seagal Fan's Guide To Film Studies and it's not a joke.
The Shepherd: Border Patrol by Vern	Feb 29th, 2008 04:56:20 PM
I have high hopes for that one - the director did UNDISPUTED II which I finally caught up with recently and it was surprisingly good. The hype on THE SHEPHERD is that it's supposed to have ten times as much martial arts as the last 8 Van Damme movies, and this director is good at that sort of thing.
Bryce by Vern	Feb 29th, 2008 05:09:07 PM
Come on dude. I wrote a long, well thought out post bringing up many points and questions about that movie. And krack responds to not one single idea that I brought up, but lashes out angrily at me based on one fucking word, I used "strip" instead of "book." I thought it was nitpicky and superficial, so my reaction was to fuck with him. I think it was pretty obvious including to krack that I was just fucking with him by saying "how am I supposed to know? I am an adult." If not, I also posted below apologizing for talking trash and explaining why I did. If your goal is to bring more respect to the medium of adult funny books maybe you should start by not following me around in other talkbacks giving me shit about something so petty. That way you are not promoting the stereotype of comic pamphlet fans as humorless, pedantic, cape-wearing individuals obsessed with insignificant details. In conclusion, I would like to respectfully request that you get off my fucking balls. Thanks Bryce.
Good shit, Vern by caruso_stalker217	Feb 29th, 2008 06:37:36 PM
PISTOL WHIPPED is going on my "shit that I'll eventually get around to seeing but I'm broke right now and can't afford to throw money away on the DTV" list.
"I'm gunna keep comin' back till somebody tells me about...RICHI by MrMysteryGuest	Feb 29th, 2008 09:33:24 PM
Seagal as an Italian-American! Prime Oscar material! (he said sarcastically)
Steve James by hamslime	Mar 1st, 2008 02:09:30 AM
You can add him to the list of bad-asses. Too bad he's dead. God should have taken David Bradley instead.
Seagal sucks!!! by andyman3000	Mar 1st, 2008 07:45:08 AM
He's way past it, his movies, just like his acting abilities, seem to get worse. He's like an emotionless robot.
Matt, not a typical action hero name by Spandau Belly	Mar 1st, 2008 11:45:29 AM
They're usually John or Jack, or anything that ends in 'er' like Hunter, Craner, Pouter, Punter and then a stoic one syllable last name like King, Dane, Brick, Block, Chalk, Brake or whatever. Who knows, maybe someday we'll get a Todd as an action hero.
Trik_Ster by Vern	Mar 1st, 2008 02:11:54 PM
ON DEADLY GROUND and FIRE DOWN BELOW are his only environmentally themed movies, unless you count OUT OF REACH since he works on a wildlife preserve at the beginning and end. I don't think he has ever done a movie where he's "a member of an oppressed minority," though. You may be thinking of THE PATRIOT where he was formerly married to a Native American, or ON DEADLY GROUND where he meets some Inuits. I recommend the book SEAGALOGY to help you strengthen your knowledge of Seagal motifs.
Spandau by Knuckleduster	Mar 1st, 2008 05:14:28 PM
Kurt Russel was called Todd in Soldier, and he was baaaad-motherfuckin-asssss. Good review, by the way, but Vern kinda lost me saying Seagal could play something Damon couldn't. Sure, Seagal's the right age (I don't know what experiences he's had in life, but I'm sure he's had quite a few), but Damon can, well... act. Anyhoo, hope Vern's book does well. I'll be checking it out, if only for his writing. I'm afraid it's probably not gonna make me watch more Seagal flicks. I made that mistake last year when Vern told us about his book. It made me think "Mmm, maybe I should give Steven Seagal another shot", so I went out and rented Into The Sun, since I'd never seen a DTV Seagal movie before. Big mistake. Hated every second of it. Guess I'm just not a Seagal guy. I mean, I can sit back, crack open a beer and enjoy an episode of Walker with my mates (that's some funny shit, man), but ol' Steven just doesn't do it for me. Can't help thinking the guy's an ego-feeding jerk in real life. Could be wrong. Maybe I just don't like his face. Also, Chuck Norris has a beard. Real men have beards.
Grammaton Cleric Binks by Munro Kelly	Mar 1st, 2008 06:52:34 PM
That sounds like a great movie and the title is awesome. If that was ever made, I'd be there opening day.
Vern by Munro Kelly	Mar 1st, 2008 07:09:14 PM
In a previous talkback, I was one of the people that recommended Undisputed 2 to you. I just knew it would be your type of flick and I was right. I just read your review of it on your site and I'm glad you enjoyed it. I believe that Scott Adkins is about to be huge soon. Keep an eye on him.
Seagal running slo-mo.. by otm shank	Mar 1st, 2008 11:00:20 PM
I'm sorry Vern, but I think that was just him running normal. Great review though. I'll check it out.
The rumor of Seagal as the bad guy in Rush Hour 3 by GibsonUSA	Mar 2nd, 2008 01:10:58 AM
should have been true.
Knuckleduster by Vern	Mar 2nd, 2008 02:11:36 AM
The reason I brought up Matt Damon is because he's an example of the modern action movie where they have a "real actor" as the star, and manage to make him convincing as an asskicker. Seagal and Van Damme can't compete with him in acting, so I was offering age as one thing Seagal should take advantage of to have an edge over guys like Damon. Of course, Wesley Snipes has both the classical acting chops and the martial arts so maybe there should be a movie where he fights against Seagal and then acts against Damon.
Vern: Just throwing this out there. by hamslime	Mar 2nd, 2008 03:39:26 AM
Any chance I can convince you to write a screenplay and maybe get Sam Firstenberg out of retirement to direct it? I'm willing to bet you are capable of writing one hell of an action flick. You could call it "A Force to be Actioned With" or "Crackdown in Lockdown" or you could even give it a good title. My birthday is in October so I figure you should have just enough time to complete it by then if you start right away.
Sledge Hammer & Grammaton Cleric Binks... by DarthBakpao	Mar 2nd, 2008 03:41:32 AM
good calls, especially Bolo Yeung and Sho Kosugi! Now on with the list : Ti Lung, Sammo Hung, Amitabh Bachan, Mithun Cakravorty, Hiroyuki "Henry" Sanada, Frank Zagarino, Roger Moore, Ralph Macchio, Christopher Lambert, Peter Weller, Ivan Drago, Marc Singer, Patrick Swayze, Brian Bosworth, Jimmy Wang Yu, Yuen Biao
Other bad asses by hamslime	Mar 2nd, 2008 03:57:06 AM
Tony Tulleners and pretty much any arm wrestler in Over The Top, especially Alka Seltzer guy. "My body's like a machine, this is a fire-plug, and I'm gonna light him up!"
Just watched Pistol Whipped by Stuntcock Mike	Mar 2nd, 2008 08:04:47 AM
Needs more Lance. Otherwise damn good DTV.
Have to admit I like the Snipes. by Knuckleduster	Mar 2nd, 2008 10:49:10 AM
I actually miss seeing him on the big screen (are there any good DTV Snipes movies that are worth watching? Haven't seen any of them). God, I'd love a Black Panther movie with Snipes in it. And once that's done, give us a Blade/Panther team-up.
Knuckleduster by Spandau Belly	Mar 2nd, 2008 11:42:30 AM
I've never seen Soldier, and you're right there are exceptions to the action hero naming conventions. But you get my point that there's a whole range of normal names that American men have, but you rarely see action hero characters named stuff like Andy or Todd or Albert or whatever.
and Matt Damon will be awesome old by Spandau Belly	Mar 2nd, 2008 11:46:57 AM
I'm sure this guy is going to grow into looking more tired and badassed with age and playing characters with appropriate maturity. Fuck, I'll be there opening night for Bourne 7 when he's not even sure if it's his old amnesia or his new alzheimers making him forget shit.
Attention Vern: There is no such word as "alot." by NapoleonDynamite	Mar 2nd, 2008 12:25:09 PM
"A lot" is two words. As a former writing teacher, this is a huge pet peeve of mine. That is all.
I liked this the first time.... by dr sauch	Mar 2nd, 2008 01:24:49 PM
When it was called The Last Boy Scout. No seriously though, I hope this is good. America is not America without Segal.
I'd like an action hero named Willie. by Knuckleduster	Mar 2nd, 2008 01:42:22 PM
It would be even cooler if he was a hardcore hippie stoner who, much like Popeye, needs his spinach before he can get into non-stop asskicking mode. And he has a fat girlfriend named Rainbow. And a three-legged dog named Peace. And a black Vietnam vet buddy with a big fucked-up afro and a bandana, who goes by the name of Agent Orange. And he always wears purple because it fucks with the bad guys' heads. "Why's that motherfucker wearing purple in the jungle?!" BLAM! Scratch one baddie... I need to write this shit down. Right after light this cone...
Napoleon by Vern	Mar 2nd, 2008 06:22:37 PM
well, how do you know things haven't changed since you stopped being a writing teacher? In my opinion things have changed alot.
what's this obsession with seagal? by cloudrider`	Mar 2nd, 2008 09:44:20 PM
it's scary to me that someone would be that much of an expert on seagal movies. how could one love (great)movies and love seagal at the same time? the two things contradict each other. even his best movies are the epitome of mediocrity. i guess i will never understand the obsession.
cloudrider vs, Seagal by The Skeptical	Mar 3rd, 2008 12:32:51 AM
No cloudrider, it's not the contradiction, it's the juxtaposition. There is honestly a weird kind of greatness that Seagal conveys. Seriously--You point out that his movies have been occasional bubbles of mediocrity in a sea of crap, yet he still connects to fans despite all of that. Can you think of anyone else with that kind of magnetism? I mean, he still gets spoofed on late-night. His Mountain Dew add is still on of the most requested commercials on youtube. It is this strange interplay that fascinates Vern, and so many of us. And you can take that to the bank.
Don't worry, Cloudrider. by Knuckleduster	Mar 3rd, 2008 06:08:48 AM
I don't really get it either. Well, on the one hand I understand the fascination over the Seagal image/persona. The guy's pretty much the epitome of the cheesy action hero who takes himself way too seriously. It's even funnier because he doesn't seem to be in on the joke (but I'm sure he is). I love the Seagal jokes and watching his ads and shit, but I simply can't watch his movies. Above The Law was on last night. I tried, God knows I tried, but I turned the TV off after 20 minutes (can't believe I lasted that long). Still, there are a lot of people out there who take him seriously. The guys' movies have made more than half a billion dollars worldwide, so someone must be watching.
I'd like an action hero named Phil by Spandau Belly	Mar 3rd, 2008 07:00:50 AM
With a hyphenated last name. Phil Grant-Krasansky.
Dennis McClane by Spandau Belly	Mar 3rd, 2008 07:49:12 AM
Andy Shaft, Steve Bond - 007, Willie Rambo, Dirty Isaac Callahan, Albert Matrix, Sammy P. Bourne, Tim Spartan...

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