Now that you mention it, doesn't that apply to all comic book material?

Long time reader, first time poster.

2005: Danny the Dog (can't believe they fracked with Jet Li like that)

2005: Transporter 2 (holy cow!!! what a piece of $#it!)

2008: The Incredible Hulk (hmmm......)

1. Fuck all the work that the previous cast and crew did in their universe.

2. Bring in a young hip director with a totally fresh take on the material.

3. Tell people to forget the previous trilogy ever existed and then release the "reboot" to rake in some serious coin.

4. Return to step one and repeat as necessary.

*shakes his head and walks away*

Weapons of mass destruction are still being developed, though.

I admire the way the Iron Man movie has apparently updated the origin, simply and effectively substituting the Taliban for the Viet Cong. It's too bad that physicist Bruce Banner couldn't have been abducted by some dictator and forced to build a gamma bomb, only to discover that American hostage Rick Jones is escaping through the test site. Risking his life to successfully warn Jones, Banner is gets too close to the test. Later, upon examination, he Hulks out, liberates himself and Jones, escaping. As Banner again, he and Jones are picked up by Thunderbolt Ross' men, leading to Banner reuniting with Betty, the gal who thought he ditched her ("No, honey, I was abducted by a terrorist state") and we get on with our regular Hulk movie, in which THE HULK TALKS, DO YOU HEAR ME! HE TALKS AND HE SAYS THINGS LIKE: "HULK WILL SMASH! HULK WILL SMASH YOU ALL!" with lotsa exclamation points.

That'll be one million dollars, a Purdy shotgun and an H2 brimming with Cuban cigars, please. Contact my agent, Dan the Man at Vortex Tours, Sedona, AZ.

The new Hulk flick will probably be less artsy-more fartsy, and that's what Hulk fans want.

Wolverine's cast may have a lot of characters, but so does fucking Star Wars, pal. And all I need to know about the Wolverine movie is this: Wolverine is in it, and he's cutting motherfuckers up. That's probably all I need to know, but hell, throw in Deadpool and a bunch of Weapon X shit, and it beats 'Last Stand' any fucking day of the week.

The split screen effect was because Ang Lee's from China and doesn't get American comic books. He doesn't understand them, so he's translating to the screen what he believes is going on on the page, and what you get is Hulk, the movie.

If it was a Masterpiece, you must be awfully pissed that in the movie called The Hulk there's about fifteen minutes of The Hulk in action, and the rest is a long and drawn out character study. Pick up an issue of The Hulk, and you'll see what a casual fan would desire in a movie about The Hulk.

I wouldn't call the Hulk 'comic book bliss'. But only because I don't talk like that. That's pretty fanciful wordsmithing, Node. It was okay, not terrible, but definitely not what someone would expect out of something called 'The Hulk'.

I totally concede on your Jen Connelly point. mmmm-mmm

...no one deserved Batman and Robin. I'm not retarded, I just think that if you want to make a movie about the Hulk, fucking put the Hulk in it. The other thing is, you're right, there wasn't NEARLY enough HULK FUCKING SMASH in that film.

Drama is fine mixed in with the fucking comic book movie...it's fine, but it's not why people pick up a fucking comic book. Remember how DC Comics put Superman in Dialogue! Comics? You don't because it never fucking happened.

My brother likes NASCAR, but we both pretty much hate pork rinds. And fuck, man, you don't really think Hulk was a fucking good movie do you? It was interesting, but it wasn't an Incredible Hulk it was a Tolerable or Mediocre Regular Hulk.

Fifteen minutes of action in a superhero movie is fine if it's Watchmen. Or a Sandman movie...but in a movie about a GIANT FUCKING GREEN MAN WHO LEVELS CITIES WHEN HE'S ANGRY doesn't need to be an in-depth character study. Hulk was not a successful action flick, it was a half-way decent drama, which was inappropriate for a Hulk franchise.

Use your words, hoss, and you've proven yourself to be a little unhinged over in the Oscar Talkback, buddy, so I won't take your insults personally. :)

I told you Motoko, Stevie ate him.

Your picture link was of the dog humping its way up the tree, and Hulk about to smash it. Great. Big whoopdedoo. I think you're misunderstanding my point. Ang Lee's movie would have been better, much better served to have action pieces strewn about the flick. More of those, and his version of the Hulk would have been great! The last fight with Abomination was not cool it was lame as shit, when the previous action sequence lasted 7 or 8 minutes and was dynamic as all get out. It's like Superman Returns, they blew their wad with the plane crash, so when your big feature end is Superman chucking a rock into space it falls flat.

Finally, man, do you even read the comics? Hulk is a force of nature, like a walking F5 tornado, or a movable earthquake. He's destruction on an epic scale. Ang Lee's Hulk was an intimate study of a hurricane, and something was lost in the adaptation. Fuck, it wasn't that great, and I'm over here defending things like Daredevil and Ghost Rider to my friends all the time, so I know where you stand with this like of Lee's Hulk.

I suppose I have more faith in a action-oriented Hulk movie with lots and lots of destruction. It would be like Twister with only a third of the tornado sequences, and focused on Helen Hunt.

The Hulk by Ang Lee would have been better served if he went an additional hour and added some Hulk-Sized fucking destruction.

Letterier needs to be given a shot, because Transporter 2 was just a goofy fucking action flick, but still mostly entertaining. It wasn't supposed to be a fucking Merchant Ivory flick with guns...

http://tinyurl.com/2g f8l9

Outside of the dogs, I think Lee's Hulk was a great film. Was it a "kick ass action superhero" movie? To me, yes and no. But this to me isn't a slight against it...there are some beautiful moments in that movie that I have yet to see anything similar in other comic book movies....to me this is a good thing as this genre is getting close to being stale and there's quite a few more stories to tell. What would have been awesome though would be if Nolte, in taunting Bana, had said "Give up the goods boy, or you'll find yourself passing through several canine rectii around 9am tomorrow morning." Any movie that uses the plural form of rectum is fucking the shit and you know it.

Hulk Hulk Hulk Hulk Hulk

Hulk Hulk Hulk Hulk Hulk

Hulk Hulk Hulk Hulk Hulk

Hulk Hulk Hulk Hulk Hulk

Second, I've heard the complaint over and over again about how Ang Lee made it too 'psychological,' focusing on the abusive father, as if Lee made that up whole cloth. You know where he got that idea? The COMICS. Though it wasn't part of the original story, various reworkings of the Hulk in the 80s did include the abuse story. So this is not new. When people say "look at the comics," they need to be specific about which comics. A lot of writers wrote Hulk in different time periods, from the 60s to today, dealing with different concerns, trends, and styles. I've read plenty of Hulk story arcs that have included intense character studies, not just Hulk smash. There's room for both. Balancing them is the key. I felt Lee did that, but others disagree about that balance. I just worry for this film when the filmmakers constantly compare it to the tv show, which was NOT a good adaptation of the comic on any level.

I have love for Norton but no one cares!!!!!!!!!!

Hulk give you links, you click links!!

Hulk song (always make Hulk sad): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v =eMbzSdf0_oQ&feature=related

Blunt music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v =8Y7WDWP8WMs

HULK SMASH!!!!

You click link!!

Nowhere have I said I just want eye candy action from beginning to end. Just comics-based pacing.

Looks like Universal is waiting for Iron Man to open before making the slightest move. What if Iron Man underperforms? No one will care if Downey plays Stark in Hulk 2! People will just wait for TDK. Those dumbasses at Universal must stop dry humping Matt Damon and put together a fucking aggressive PR campaign. Or else it will fall flat on its face. And they'll hire Ratner to re-reboot it.

BTW, someone mentioned Leterrier as a "EuroRatner". This is spot on. But at least Leterrier has to prove himself for his first true Hollywood flick (and thus can surpass expectations - especially when those are very low), while Ratner doesn't give a shit and makes a shitload of money with mediocre films. Why should he care? The Rat sucked so many cocks in the business he shouldn't worry about his stuff.

As far as I'm concerned I don't really care; I loved the Ang Lee version and if that one fails I can still stick to it. While if Leterrier fucked up Iron Man or Captain America (I read he was approached to helm those before switching to Hulk) it would be yet ANOTHER shitty Marvel flick, in the long list of shitty Marvel flicks.

So, good luck Leterrier (even if you're an asshole in interviews. All geniuses have their dark sides^^) it doesn't matter to me if your movie sucks. If it doesn't then it's a win-win situation.

See? To each his own. I thought it was absolute garbage but if you enjoyed it then it's my loss, as much as the 2 hours you spent watching Hulk were yours. I, for one, had a great time. And an even greater time watching it again, even if I admit it's a flawed movie. All comic flicks are. But from a French perspective (Leterrier is French and made French movies as far as I know) he IS the French Ratner: no integrity, no respect for the audience's intelligence, no vision. A yes-man.

It doesn't make your tastes less respectable than mine, but the comparison with Ratner is totally deserved nonetheless.

Useless fucking tossers.

Secondly, it was not at any point as clever as it thinks it is, in fact I'd argue that it was pretentious wank of the highest order and about as subtle as a sledgehammer.

thirdly, everyone forgets the stupidity of the origin idea- Banner will become the hulk because daddy experimented on himself with starfish DNA. This is a shit idea- I understand that it links back to the "inner demons" thing that was going on, but really it was unsubtle and dim.

Jennifer Connolly, although intensely fuckable sleptwaked through the film.

The final battle while great on paper looked awful on the screen

I didn't mind the split screen stuff.

I agree with the guy that said the last 3 minutes were great. They were.

Overall, I don't hate it, and it is by no means in the same league as Catwoman, but it is a thoroughly average outing.

Hell, this is all just conjecture anyway.

Finally, Edward Norton as the hulk.... HULK WANT TO KNOW WHAT SWEDISH FURNITURE DEFINE HULK AS PERSON.

Let's see...with Supes returns, the plane of course.

Spidey 3....when Pete beat the fuck out of Harry in his apartment.

I have no idea how there two movies will turn out, though I like everything I've seen from Iron Man. I do not have high expectations for the Hulk. Why couldn't some sort of balance be found with the Hulk, strong story and good action?

That's what they get for doing a salary matrix.

In other news, over the last two evenings I watched ALL three Evil Deads, and the first each of Reanimator and Phantasm. Army of Darkness has to be one of the best films I've ever seen. Bruce Campbell is definitely a god among men. His one-liners are insanely funny, like "Hello Mr. Fancy Pants, you're only leading two things right now, and that's Jack and Shit. And Jack just left town."

I stopped at a local dollar store yesterday on my day off. I bought a gross of pencils.

http://www.aintitcool. com/tracker

You'll be able to see, starting with the most recent tb posting, all the threads that are out there.

I have prayed to the trinity and am banking on him being on the end of PENCAPOLYPSE in the near future.

The scriptures are growing- and I've started adding pictures- I photoshopped Burt into "The Sermon on the mount" so it looks like he's lecturing the people about Ammo, and he's got a big shit-eating grin on his face.

I'm going to stuff them all in, including their heads into the last supper for the coverpage.

That'll teach my work to put me on Quota time. I don't need quota time to do this,

Exactly how many shotgun shells did Ash bring back in time with him? Jesus!

Oh, and it did not slip past me that the first stabbing in the first Evil Dead was a pencil-stabbing. Truly beautiful.

It is astounding how much ammo Ash took back in time, but it isn't inconcievable to think that he could make some more- he did make a metal hand.

I found out last night that the wife has only seen the first evil dead. We watched the second one yesterday and I'm going to invest in the box set (the one bound to look like the necronomicon) on the weekend.

Jarv--oh yeah,you're right. He had a chemistry book in the trunk of his car and he DID make gunpowder. Good call. Damn, Ash is impressive

Truly, they are omninpotent.

I wish they hadn't done that.

I think when his hand gets possessed, he breaks like a dozen plates over his head. Bruce Campbell should have received an Oscar just for that sequence alone, just brilliant. And then his severed hand flips him off. Priceless. Oh, you BASTARD!!

Yeah, Goodie Two Shoes--BLAM!!! "I'm not THAT good."

My fair lady!

Whoever advised me to skip the first ED and go right to ED2 (Jarv or Pillow I forget) was correct, because ED2 rehashes the first movie, and also retcons it a little by having only Ash and Linda go to the cabin. And after Linda's death and dismemberment, it's a whole new adventure, and a whole lot more fun. I didn't even expect to see the chainsaw hand until AoD. So you can imagine my glee when Ash and that chick went to the woodshed and made the harness for it and hooked it up. It gave me a boomstick in my pants

I did watch the EDs in sequential order, and it was a fascinating character study for me to watch Ash 'grow' from ED to AoD. From just another male would-be-victim of circumstance with bookshelves falling on him, to a take-no-shit he man ready to challenge an entire army of evil. His performance was so great that I now want to pickup that TV series he was in "Jack of All Trades." Never watched it regularly, but you've got to figure there must've been some golden moments from the Bruce.

I shall indeed bind the scriptures in Graboid Hide. I feel this is essential.

It would be interesting to see how Ash spends his time after waking up in the future.

Tree rape pisses off British Censors no end, and I went through a period watching "banned" films- reservior dogs, TCM, The Exorcist, Clockwork Orange, Evil Dead and Driller Killer. I have to say, Driller Killer was a right fucking disappointment. I haven't the foggiest why it got banned.

At my next work meeting, I'm going to lop off my hand with a chainsaw on the conference table and yell, "Who's laughing NOW?" I'll wait for the dullest moment, right in the middle of the meeting when people usually start nodding off.

That should get me fired.

I always get sent home early.

What the fuck is wrong withthe british public- I think only 5 people need to ask for it before they get it. There must be more British Geeks on here that need to rewatch this classic.

The fucker's unexpectedly got the joke. I wanted to cry,

I already have included finky and pillows Jcak Burton/ John Nada stuff into "The Book of John (carpenter)" and stuffed in the fable of the one-eyed man.

I can't believe I forgot Kurt and his contribution to ass-kicking.

Even if he did cry like a little bitch in Death Proof (Which is not to be forgiven- fuck you QT).

He needs to get Carpenter off his sofa to make Escape 3. I don't give a fuck where they're escaping from but it needs to be made

I'll obviously have to try and get it published (Ha!). I wonder if those people that published Vern's Seagalology would be interested.

This post inspired by summer_pudding, who reminded me what the header of this TB was. Even though the true subject matter is The Church of Chang, baby.

http://tinyurl.com/yrd55k

For example, I cut and paste the original Werewolf Ass Fuck

Bruce Campbell, Michael Gross, Michael Beihn, Bruce Willis, Harrison Ford, Bruce Lee, Sly Stallone, Chuck Norris, Steve McQueen, Paul Neuman, Robert Deniro, Tony Jaa, Al Pacino, Lee Marvin, Harry Dean Anderson, Jackie Chan, David Hasselhoff, Robert Ulrich, Keifer Sutherland, Sean Connery, anyone who played a gang member in The Warriors, Vigo Mortennssen, Michael York, Bruce Campbell (a second time), George Peppard, Fred Ward, Kevin Bacon, Arnold Schwarzenegger, James Coburn, Gene Hackman, Clint Eastwood, Barry Bostwick

Possible women combatants include Reba, Sigourney Weaver, Linda Hamilton and Uma Thurman. And Jamie Lee Curtis. The MILF list is something else entirely, but might include some of the above.

Congratulations.

That's some good work with improvised weaponry right there

Daniel Craig.

Picked the wrong day to stop sniffing glue.

I also read somewhere that the cleft in Bruce's chin is from going down on so many women. He had it by age four. In school, his teachers always wondered why his face smelled like fish.

Well, I learned later it DID go away, but not after scampering under my wife's car and hiding there till she left for her work. She said it scared the shit out of her. I told her I'd seen it, and she got mad at ME for not warning her about it--as if I'd set up some elaborate joke. Possum 1, Chick 0

"You bastard. I hate you."

"Aw c'mon honey, lighten up. It's just a JOKE. Plus, we know what we're having for dinner tonight. That's right kids--possum McNuggets."

"We hate you, daddy"

"Oh my God, Tammy! What happened to YOU!?"

(sobbing)"Some mean man threw a giant mouse at us off a building, and it BLEW UP on us, mommy!"

Release the possums.

"Oh what pretty birds!"

"Those aren't birds, sweetheart. They're GIANT ARMORED AIRPOSSUMS"

I'm out of here, time to vacate the office and run down some venison. Be back tomorrow AM, having watched Bride of Reanimator, probably.

Xi, you got that 605 yet? Awesome huh?

It's a completely hopeless beast, and I find it astounding that they haven't been darwinned yet.

"My wife has a 145 IQ, Double D titties, and likes it when I scream in elvish whilst she sucks my nob." (I'm paraphrasing but that is basically what a lot of them are saying)

BULLSHIT. I hope the divine Trueburt Ashgum unleashes a plague of pencil armed possums on them and they get stabbed until all the dork runs out of them.

It shouldn't be too hard. I clearly need to start composing a "book of nerd" which graphically details the multiple beatdowns that they receive.

But more importantly, after BoR I watched THE PROTECTOR. Holy shit, can that Tony Jaa kick ass. I mean, he leapt from the ground and kicked out a streetlamp just to make a point! He roundhoused some evil chick off a helicopter! Those fights in the warehouse and at the end were sick! Great movie. I thought it needed a better title, though. The Protector is kinda weak. Doesn't say enough. It should be renamed ELEPHAN-KATA.

In SA there's a tree that male elephants love the fruit of- so they go and snarf loads of them. These fruit then ferment in their stomachs to make BEER. The elephant goes to sleep, wakes up with a cunt of a hangover and goes to find something to either fight or fuck. It isn't picky about which.

A very small portion of the movie was in English, like with those regular police guys working for the Sydney police. But everything showing just the bad guys and mafia people discussing their evil plans was in...uh, cantonese or whatever it was (pardon my ignorance, I don't know what language it was). But it was easy enough to follow the story. Elephants being sold on the black market, some of them winding up on the menu at an exotic upscale restaurant where they serve baby pandas and other endangered animals as delicacies. Or else your elephant might become a skeleton on which bad guys hang their jewels. And Tony doesn't like that. It makes him cry, and remember all the things he did with that elephant as a child, and it's very emotional, and God help you after that, because he'll kick your face off. Backwards.

It's as bad as those 501 muppets or trek conventions.

They're also a problem in India.

Mind you, I didn't go anywhere near any animals. Except for once when I went to the Kruger park because someone told me that going on safari was fun. It isn't it's dull, dusty and just plain shit.

Burt has a similar bond with Graboids. They upset him, so he has to kill them.

I was worried when that dude threw the bell necklace at him, I was like "Oh no, they killed the baby. Tony's gonna kill everyone now."

I find her presence can really help some pretty unwatchable shit. And she said the best line Tarantino ever wrote.

There's an Ash thread. How awesome!

A great performance, just antithetical to manliness.

Women have strange tastes.

Shit, the fire alarm is going off. Tony Jaa must have flaming leg kicked my boss. See you later.

I don't NOT like PSH. Hell, I don't know the guy personally. He just looks kind of creepy, which I suppose speaks well of his acting, because that's all I know of him. But I do know that he is not in the same league as the Deities of the Church of Chang.

Speaking of which, I hope the sacred verses are not lost in a fire at Jarv's office. On second thought, those words are so sacred they're probably fireproof

That's a strange list Kloipy-

This film is not yet rated is a funny doc. It starts really well but then he just gets a boner about sex and naming the censors. It's a bit creepy

But they STILL don't have Army of Darkness. Wankers.

My mission at present (apart from converting nonbelievers) is to get hold of a copy of Timerider, preferably without having to pay like $30 on eBay for it. Hey, did Jarv see Megaforce yet? I vaguely recall someone here was gonna see it for the first time the other night?

I am circulating a petition to have the city of Cleveland, Ohio, change its name to Wampakonetta.

She's being most selfish about this, but luckily the alternatives have been evil dead.

Abom, Lovefilm is ike netflix, except more annoying.

And Candyman is an awesome genuinly scary film. Candyman 2 and 3 are crap.

And what does he do? Comes back with trained bees, guts people with the hook instead of a hand and converts a whole area full of scary dudes to his religion.

That's some fine work

Seriously, I smoke a fraction of what I used to now I can't smoke in my office or in the pub. It's draconian but it does work (doesn't stop me hating it or resenting it)

I also drink too much alcohol and coffee. With nicotine it keeps me functioning.

I am in good shape though, so that does mitigate it a bit.

I think the Trainspotting Opening is apropos:

"Spending the end of your days pissing yourself in a home, nothing but an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you spawned to replace yourself"

They keep trying to make me do stuff here at work. It's annoying and if they're not careful they're gonna see my pencil collection

It's important to be well-rounded in the Church of Chang.

Seriously, you would not believe some of the tone deaf twats I've had to listen to. They deserve a thorough pencil stabbing and to have their fingers jumped up and down upon by Burt.

This is ordinarily a good idea, until you look at the quotes and see "They're better than the Beatles" in big font (which would be bad enough, because, let's face it, they aren't) and then the source of the quote being the lead singer's mum. In teeny-tiny font.

As if we aren't going to notice.

Depending on where you worked, if it was the early 90s, you might have even reviewed one of my demo tapes. Bwahahahahahaha

It makes fuck all difference and you may as well do it yourself.

I was industry from 2000-2005 ish.

There's some truly dreadful compilation albums out there that I am to blame for.

It's one thing recording your jam sessions yourself it's another entirely to pay some cunt by the hour to record them

It's nice and sunny here Xiphos, it was 10 degrees this morning.

Eat it!

I can't recall if I saw Lake Placid, Xi. Was that the crocodile movie? I would like to park my banana in her mango tree

I win.

So did you go see the D-backs yesterday?

Man, I can't remember the last time it was 80 here. I think it's supposed to get up to the balmy 50's on Monday.

Nope, I'm not Tom Scholz! I still have a couple underling warciples investigating the sudden death last year of Brad Delp.

We are thinking Austria since we've only been to Salzburg for a couple of days.

Kloipy, I recommend going to Venice, it's just so beautiful there. It would be so easy to go to Italy every year as opposed to going to some other European country.

"You're sooo pretty! I just love your hair!"

"I'm kind of drunk! Can I kiss you!"

"Sure! No one will have to know!"(cue slurping, sucking sounds)

"Wow! I'm riiilly drunk!"

Brazil has some hotties as well Xi, though I was only in Alphaville, which is about 40 minutes from Sao Paulo.

I must say I loved their gigantic beers/beer gardens. Then we took the train up to Salzburg. I would like to go see Vienna.

I'd like to visit Perfection, Nevada.

After Tremors 5 and the ensuing massive success, I'm thinking of doing a Tremors offshoot where Bacon returns not as Val, but as the teen he played in Footloose, and he'll dance on graboids to the sounds of Kenny Loggins and Sammy Hagar. It'll be AWESOME

"And I said, wherever your real daddy is now, he probably had another little girl. So you probably DO have a sister somewhere. Now be quiet, Burt is talking"

Then my wife hits me

"There's no monster down there," they'd insist.

"Sure there is. I deposited it in my toilet last night. Now get in there"