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Play and Laugh... VINCE VAUGHN'S WILD WEST COMEDY SHOW Joke Contest!

the pedophile in the woods by Kloipy	Jan 29th, 2008 08:10:00 AM
A little girl and a pedophile walk into the woods one night. The little girl turns to the pedophile and says "I'm scared". The pedophile looks at her and says "You're scared? I gotta walk out of here alone tonight!" ***** I'm probably dinging all pedophile jokes, they're just too common in this crowd. a disturbing fact...
lol by Flying Spaghetti Monster	Jan 29th, 2008 08:16:03 AM

Joke by MightyOs	Jan 29th, 2008 08:18:00 AM
Q. What's E.T. short for? A. He only has little legs :) ***** my six year old is in stitches.
Combined SPF: 450 by Aquatarkusman	Jan 29th, 2008 08:22:39 AM
Wow, that's a lot of pasty.
I Take It Back by Aquatarkusman	Jan 29th, 2008 08:23:52 AM
Several of the participants appeared to have permanently bronzed, a weird condition for somebody who inhabits squalid laff-shacks.
Joke by popecorky	Jan 29th, 2008 08:24:00 AM
What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a scotsman? The Rolling Stones say "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!" while a scotsman says "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!" ***** the plaid dresses they wear are funnier.
Guy walks into a bar by TSquared	Jan 29th, 2008 08:25:00 AM
A Guy walks into a bar and asks the Bartenders for 5 shots of the strongest stuff he has. The Bartender lines them up and the Guy shoots them down. The bartender says " A man Drinks like that He must have a Reason." The Guy says " Well, just now, back in the alley I had my first ever blow job." The Bartender laughs and says " Really? Well congrats son, have one more on the house." The Guy shakes his head and says " No thanks, if Five shots didn't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will." ***** funny
JOKE by stalfos	Jan 29th, 2008 08:25:00 AM
The Pope, a robot, and a Vietnamese tranny walk into a bar and the bartender goes, "Whoa, this is the weirdest joke I've ever been in.." ***** funny
Joke by skintandminted	Jan 29th, 2008 08:26:00 AM
What's red and invisible? .............................. .............No Tomatoes ***** mmm,no DING
Jokely Joke by Aquatarkusman	Jan 29th, 2008 08:27:50 AM
(hold up middle and index finger) "Why should women use these two fingers to masturbate?" "Because they're mine."
JOKE by Sledge Hammer	Jan 29th, 2008 08:28:00 AM
Vince Vaughn's career. ***** and I am sure you are doing much better, now give me my change! DING
Joke by PhonicsMonkey	Jan 29th, 2008 08:31:00 AM
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street together when they see a little boy sitting all alone on a bench. The priest nudges the rabbi and says "Hey, you see that little boy? Let's go over there and fuck him." The rabbi looks at the priest and says "Out of what?" ***** now this one slags both religions... that works.
JOKE by powercube	Jan 29th, 2008 08:31:00 AM
Why is sex the best with twenty-three year-olds? If one starts crying for her mommy, you still have 19 of them left. ***** it is probably better as spoken word, in jail. short-eyes. DING
JOKE by palewook	Jan 29th, 2008 08:31:00 AM
Recently divorced woman finds a washed up lamp on an empty beach. Takes the lamp home, while scrubbing the lamp clean, a genie pops out. Offering her 3 wishes, but with a warning, "whatever you ask for, your worst enemy will receive twice that." She asks for, "100 million dollars and to look 10 years younger." the genie responds, "done. and now your ex-husband has 200 million dollars and looks 20 years younger." She considers her last wish for a minute, then says, "Ok, scare me half to death." ***** funny
JOKE by wazza	Jan 29th, 2008 08:35:00 AM
Q. Why do women wear makeup and perfume? A. Cause they're ugly and they smell. ***** mmmm, maybe that's the reason you don't get any. DING
Joke by chat noir	Jan 29th, 2008 08:37:00 AM
Q: Ever see an elephant in a Cherry Tree? A: Good Hiders, aren't they? ***** DING
JOKE by sheathledger	Jan 29th, 2008 08:44:00 AM
What do you call a Deer that can use both right & left hooves?? Bambidexterous!! ***** goofy, but ... goofy. DING
Joke by johnnyshand	Jan 29th, 2008 08:45:00 AM
Two bee keepers are talking about their hives. The first bee keeper says, “well I’ve got about three hundred, thousand bees, spread over 10 hives, cos you know happy bees make for lots of honey.” The second bee keeper replies “Really? I’ve got over a million and a half in just the one hive. “The first bee keeper says, “What, just one hive?” And the second bee keeper says “yeah, fuck ‘em. They’re bees” ***** funny
Joke... by HitchCock'n'Balz	Jan 29th, 2008 08:45:00 AM
My Uncle was a magician..One day he was walking down the street and he turned into a bar...we never saw him again. ***** kind of a downer... DING
Joke by v for vienetta	Jan 29th, 2008 08:45:00 AM
What's red and sits in the corner? A naughty tractor. ***** DING
joke by thewiseman	Jan 29th, 2008 08:45:00 AM
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down a lane and turned into a field ***** two tractor jokes... DING
Joke by Agent Michael Scarn	Jan 29th, 2008 08:46:00 AM
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast." ***** funny, and I support corporal punishment.
Joke by Sparhawk38	Jan 29th, 2008 08:46:00 AM
A man strips himself naked and wraps himself in cellophane. He hops over to his psychiatrist's office and bursts through the door. His psychiatrists looks up from his desk and says "I can clearly see your nuts". ***** eh, DING
Joke by Sparhawk38	Jan 29th, 2008 08:47:00 AM
What do you call a dog with short legs and steel balls? "Sparky" ***** hilarious, RIP sparky (merrick's dog)
Joke by emnic	Jan 29th, 2008 08:47:00 AM
What is the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Michael Jackson fucks little boys in the ass. ***** lay off MJ, he just needs a good woman (that is ten years old and has a DING-a-ling)
JOKE by getula70	Jan 29th, 2008 08:48:00 AM
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg ? A: Pick him up and suck his dick. ***** cringe, DING
Joke by MtnGeeks	Jan 29th, 2008 08:51:00 AM
Skelton walks into a bar..goes up to the bartender and says, "give me a beer...and a mop." ***** DING. typo got you... gotta be stingy here, I don't want to lower the standards of the site.
Almost peed myself by amaysingstories	Jan 29th, 2008 08:52:00 AM
That joke about the twenty-three year olds is just f-ed up. Kudoes to you, Powercube. ***** great, giving the pedo props.
Joke by Sparhawk38	Jan 29th, 2008 08:52:00 AM
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in the water? "Bob" What do you call the same guy being pulled behind a boat? "SKIPPY" ***** that is a chuckle
Joke... by HitchCock'n'Balz	Jan 29th, 2008 08:52:00 AM
How do they know what kind of shampoo the Challenger Astronauts used? They found their Head and Shoulders all over the beach ***** sad, DING
JOKE by Jack Napier	Jan 29th, 2008 08:53:00 AM
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say. A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN, the word is STERNUM! ***** funny
Joke by chrth	Jan 29th, 2008 08:54:00 AM
Did you hear about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend? ***** oooh, bad imagery, DING
joke by Sparhawk38	Jan 29th, 2008 08:55:00 AM
What’s the difference between a "pun" and a "fart"? A "pun" is a "shift of whit" ***** clever
Joke by Durendal	Jan 29th, 2008 08:55:00 AM
How does an Irish man impregnate his wife? He jerks off in her shoes and the flies do the rest. ***** it doesn't make much sense, and I'm irish... asshole. DING
joke by thewiseman	Jan 29th, 2008 08:56:00 AM
I was in a bar recently desperate for a slash. the line to the toilets was way too long, so i found an empty can of lager and relieved myself into that. at that moment the police burst in and searched everyone for drugs.i was arrested for possession of can of piss ***** wow, that was bad. DING
Joke by HitchCock'n'Balz	Jan 29th, 2008 08:56:00 AM
How do you make an 8 year girl old cry? Wipe your bloody dick on her teddy bear. ***** vandalizing a teddy bear isn't very funny. DING
Joke by Petro45	Jan 29th, 2008 08:57:00 AM
What's the difference between an oyster with epilepsy and a whore with diarrhea? One you shuck between fits . . . ***** funny
Joke by Petro45	Jan 29th, 2008 08:57:00 AM
What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub? One has hope in her soul . . . ***** whoops, you only get one entry DING
Joke by bobinnova	Jan 29th, 2008 08:57:00 AM
I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. And you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny? Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?" And that's when the fight started ***** who picked you up from the hospital?
Joke by TheNothing	Jan 29th, 2008 08:58:00 AM
Two muffins were baking in an oven. After a while one of them says, "Damn it's hot in here!" Startled, the other muffin turned to it and said, "Holy crap! A talking muffin!" ***** funny
Joke by thewiseman	Jan 29th, 2008 08:59:00 AM
Why did the cannibal not eat the clown? Coz he tasted funny ***** ...and this joke tastes like DING
Joke by bobinnova	Jan 29th, 2008 09:01:00 AM
Fred died. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Fred would be pleased," she said. "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand." "No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone." Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My goodness, how big is it?!" "Two and a half carats." ***** funny, but it reminds me that I need to update my will (everyone should have one) so that is kind of a downer, DING
Joke by HitchCock'n'Balz	Jan 29th, 2008 09:01:58 AM

Joke by Bloo	Jan 29th, 2008 09:02:00 AM
What's the difference between a refrigerator and a homosexual? A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull out the meat ***** you should eat less beans then. DING
Joke by thewiseman	Jan 29th, 2008 09:02:00 AM
What does an average asian weigh? sweets ***** I'm asian, you moron. DING
Joke by HitchCock'n'Balz	Jan 29th, 2008 09:02:00 AM
What's the diff. between Michael Jackson and a Pimple? The pimple will wait until your 13 before coming on your face ***** since you missed the rules of the contest... DING
JOKE!!! by dirtyfrank	Jan 29th, 2008 09:02:00 AM
Q: What do you call a good looking, intelligent girl in Alabama? A: A tourist. ***** funny, but my wife is from DINGville, alabama.
I just re-read the whole One entry per person thingy... by HitchCock'n'Balz	Jan 29th, 2008 09:05:00 AM
Shit... ***** haha, that's what makes this one funny
Joke by v for vienetta	Jan 29th, 2008 09:06:00 AM
What's the best thing about having a shower with a 11 year old girl? If you slick her hair back, she only looks 8. ***** that's probably what they're saying about you in san quentin, good luck. DING
cheers hitchcock........ by thewiseman	Jan 29th, 2008 09:06:53 AM
....... so have i
Joke by v for vienetta	Jan 29th, 2008 09:08:00 AM
What's black and blue and scared of sex? The little girl in my basement. ***** quit lying, you probably don't even have a basement. DING
Joke by Corterville	Jan 29th, 2008 09:09:00 AM
What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies? You can't unload bowling balls with a pitchfork. ***** slobodan milosevic is in the house. DING
Fave by thewiseman	Jan 29th, 2008 09:13:46 AM
My favourite so far has to be the first one posted by Kloipy, followed closely by bobinovas dwarf joke
One Entry Per Person by bobinnova	Jan 29th, 2008 09:14:51 AM
Damn, sorry I posted twice
Joke by SpencerTrilby	Jan 29th, 2008 09:15:00 AM
Three archeologists discuss their most recent discoveries: The first: "I dug hundreds of acres in Alaska and found half a mile of copper veins. This clearly proves that the Inuits invented the telephone." The second: "I dug thousands acres in New Mexico and I found optic fiber. This clearly proves that the Navajos invented teh internet." The third: "Well, I dug ten thousand acres in Texas and found nothing. This clearly proves they invented the Wifi." ***** wow, a rare slashdot type joke. I likey.
JOKE by cornponious	Jan 29th, 2008 09:22:00 AM
Well, since it looks like the Farrelly brothers contest is never going to have a winner: A bear and a rabbit were in the woods taking a shit. The bear looked at the rabbit and asked: "Rabbit, do you ever have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit said: "Why no, bear, I don't." So the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his ass with him. ***** funny, but quint is a busy boy, so DING
JOKE by DeweyOxburger	Jan 29th, 2008 09:22:00 AM
Q. What has nine arms and sucks? A. Def Leppard ***** hilarious, I bet you've owned every one of their albums and hate yourself for it.
Joke by FlyinHawaiian	Jan 29th, 2008 09:24:00 AM
Three men are stranded on an island, and the leader of the tribe approaches. He tells them each that they can choose between BOOM BOOM or DEATH. The first man doesn't want to die, so he chooses BOOM BOOM. The tribe puts him in a small cage, and everyone rapes him. The second man, terrified, also chooses BOOM BOOM, and is also put in a small cage and raped. The third man, says fuck this and chooses DEATH. The tribal leader looks around and says: Death by BOOM BOOM. ***** funny
Joke by BigRedMenace	Jan 29th, 2008 09:25:00 AM
So yesterday I asked my Rabbi if I could borrow 5 bucks. He said "4 dollars? What the hell do you need 3 dollars for?! ***** that's messed up, my rabbi lends me money all the time... and one day I'll get enough to beat the vig and pay him back.
Pedophilia is way too popular here by Masked Avenger	Jan 29th, 2008 09:26:05 AM
Too many kid raping jokes. THE ARISTOCRATS!
Joke by furryfreak	Jan 29th, 2008 09:27:00 AM
Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom and sees his dad giving his mum one, his dad just laughs, throws a pillow at him and shouts "get out!" A little while later Johnny's dad hears a commotion coming from Johnny's bedroom, he rushes in and is horrified to see Johnny shagging his gran - Johnny just looks at him and says "not so funny when it's your mum is it?" ***** I didn't want to laugh, but I did. nice.
Joke by 433	Jan 29th, 2008 09:27:00 AM
Your mother must be traveling at close to the speed of light, as she has already achieved nearly infinite mass. ***** the put down contest is over on the high school forum at www.DING.com
Joke by mrtgraz	Jan 29th, 2008 09:27:00 AM
A man owes the IRS $10,000, but he only has $5,000. So he goes to church and prays to god for guidance. God suddenly appears before the man and says, "Go to Las Vegas!" So the man knowing not to go against God, hops the next flight to Las Vegas, and walks into the first casino he sees and sits down at the Black Jack table. God says to him, "BET IT ALL!" So the man pushes in his $5,000 and gets his two cards. He has a 2 and a 3. God says, "Take a hit." The man gets another card, its a 5, he now has 10. God says, "take a hit." He gets a 4, he has 14. God says, "TAKE A HIT!" He gets a 3, he has 17. God says, "take a hit." He gets a 2, he has 19. God says, "take a hit!" He gets an Ace, he has 20. God looks at the man and says, "take.....a....hit." He gets another Ace, he has 21. And God replies, "UNFUCKINBELIEVEABLE!" ***** hilarious, and copied several times further down. bravo.
Joke by Sailor Rip	Jan 29th, 2008 09:28:00 AM
What's the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman's mouth? Einstein's cock. ***** that one must go over pretty well at the strip club. DING
Joke by briandean79	Jan 29th, 2008 09:30:00 AM
So I'm laying in bed next to my girlfriend, and she's obviously got something on my mind. "Honey, what's wrong?" I ask. She sighs and says "I'm sorry, I have to break up with you." I reply "What?? Why?" "Well," she says,"my friends all say that you're a pedophile." I sit there for a few seconds, thinking about this, and say "Pedophile is an awfully big word for a seven year old." ***** funny, but DING. dirty pedo.
JOKE by Masked Avenger	Jan 29th, 2008 09:31:00 AM
Little Miss Ant was late for the Ant-Hill party, and was wearing her brand new dress. She was in a rush and didn't want to ruin her dress and couldn't cross the river, so she asked Mr. Elephant. "Mr. Elephant, I'm way too tiny and dressed way too well to cross this river." The Elephant was busy drinking water and didn't want to help. "Please Mr. Elephant, I'll do anything!" "Anything, you say?" Replied the Elephant. "Yes, anything." So the Elephant agreed, and she hopped on his trunk and they crossed the river. "Oh thank you Mr. Elephant, if there is anyway I could repay you..." Mr. Elephant took out his dick and said, "You're damn right, now take off that dress and let's do this!" ***** funny
JOKE by cornponious	Jan 29th, 2008 09:31:00 AM
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying his beer. Suddenly a homeless man ran into the bar, acting very excited. He ran up to the bartender and asked very politely for a fork. The bartender gave the homeless man a plastic fork, and he ran out. The man who was enjoying his beer thought this was a bit odd, but paid it no more mind. Roughly five minutes later another homeless man came running in and up to the bartender, and seemed a lot more desperate than the last fellow. He quickly asked for a fork. The bartender gave him a plastic fork, and he quickly ran back outside. The man who was enjoying his beer was now intrigued by what could possibly be going on outside, but decided he would at least finish his beer. Roughly 5 minutes later, yet another homeless man came in and up to the bartender, though he was walking rather slowly, and seemed a bit unhappy. He asked the bartender for a straw. The bartender gave him a straw, and he began to walk out. This was all the other man could stand. As the homeless man was about to walk out, he grabbed him and asked him about what was going on. He said: "Listen, two other homeless men came in and frantically asked for forks, and now you come in and ask for a straw. What's going on?" The homeless man replied: "Well, somebody threw up outside the door, but all the good stuff is already gone" ***** DING yuck.
Joke by chupes01	Jan 29th, 2008 09:35:00 AM
A guy walks into a bar with an orange for a head. The barman serves him and feels compelled to ask. "Excuse me. Why do you have an orange for a head?" The man replies "I found am old lamp, and when I rubbed it a genie came out and granted me three wishes. For my first wish I wished for a million dollars. For my second wish a wished for a brand new sports car. And for my third wish I wished for an orange for a head." ***** yeah, read that several times... thanks for wasting my time. DING
joke by MC-909	Jan 29th, 2008 09:38:00 AM
Q. What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile? A. Get in the Batmobile, Robin. ***** ... then robin said "okay batman!" then batman said "DING!" ahahahahahhahahahahah
Are we required by INWOsuxRED	Jan 29th, 2008 09:39:00 AM
to bash ethnic people in this joke? It is for the wild west comedy tour, isn't it? ***** wow, you read the secret racist code in the contest post... idiot.
Joke by henrydalton	Jan 29th, 2008 09:41:00 AM
Why can't you play hide and seek with an epileptic? 'Cos they always seizure. ***** hilarious, (note to self: schedule more strobing ads for the site.)
INWOsuxRED by Masked Avenger	Jan 29th, 2008 09:41:00 AM
No, but apparently there was a kiddie sex requirement. ***** I take comfort in the likelihood that those who post the pedo crap will go to a special kind of hell...
To all pedophile jokesters by cornponious	Jan 29th, 2008 09:41:47 AM
Why don't you have a seat right over there.
I am homeless...... by thewiseman	Jan 29th, 2008 09:46:43 AM
...... and i take offence at your joke, cornponious
Then it must be working... by cornponious	Jan 29th, 2008 09:47:33 AM
Good.
JOKE by GilesT	Jan 29th, 2008 09:49:00 AM
An atheist was walking through the woods... when suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Just as he turned to look a 10-foot grizzly bear charged out towards him! Running back as fast as he could up the path, he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He tried to run faster, but every time he looked behind him he saw that the bear was getting closer and closer! He tripped over an exposed root and fell to the ground. Rolling over to pick himself he saw the bear reared up on his hind legs, paws raised and claws exposed, ready to strike. At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!" ...and time stopped... ...the bear froze... ...and the forest was silent. A bright light shone upon the man, and the booming voice of God came from the sky... "YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE ALL THESE YEARS? YOU TRY TO TEACH YOUR FELLOW MAN THAT I DO NOT EXIST? YOU CREDIT THE BEGININNINGS OF THE UNIVERSE TO A COSMIC ACCIDENT, AND THE ENTIRETY OF MY CREATION TO MUTATION AND NATURAL SELECTION? DO YOU NOW EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT IN WHICH YOU FIND YOURSELF? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?!" The atheist looked directly into the light, "Well, it would be somewhat hypocritical of me to expect you to treat me as a Christian now..." "INDEED IT WOULD." came the reply from the heavens. "Perhaps you could make the bear a Christian instead?" "HMM" said God. "VERY WELL." The light blinked out, and the sounds of the forest resumed. The bear, unfrozen, halted in its tracks. It lowered its paws, brought them together, bowed its head and spoke. "Blessed are we, oh Lord Almighty, for the bounty which we are about to receive in your son Jesus Christ's name. Amen ***** funny, but long
Joke by Badly Drunk Boy	Jan 29th, 2008 09:51:00 AM
A man goes to the doctors complaining of a pain in his stomach. The doctor looks him over then sits staring at him. "Do you masturbate" the doctor asks. The man pauses "Ehh, yeah I do." The Doctor smiles "Its fucking great isn't it!" ***** funny
JOKE by StephenHawkingDiarrhea	Jan 29th, 2008 09:52:00 AM
What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken! ***** superman is dead... dickhead.
Joke by mrwaltzy	Jan 29th, 2008 09:53:00 AM
What did the Mexican fireman name his two twin boys? Hose A and Hose B. ***** my elementary school called and they want their really old joke back... and I'm mexican... el DING caca la cabeza
Joke by Jubba	Jan 29th, 2008 09:55:00 AM
Uwe Boll ***** sad, but true, but lazy DING (and please be respectful, he likes to be called dr. boll.)
Joke by SupremeHustle	Jan 29th, 2008 09:56:00 AM
The party was going great until the foreign girl asked him if he is a racist. He explained that he was a race car driver and everyone laughed at the foibles of translation. Later that night, he burned a cross in her yard. ***** yeah, DING
Joke by Scotious	Jan 29th, 2008 09:56:00 AM
What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing, they're both stuck up bitches. ***** ...old as DING
Joke by Lou Stools	Jan 29th, 2008 09:56:00 AM
What do you call an insufferable douche bag? Vince Vaughn. ***** poor boy, did he turn you down in the park bathroom? DING
Joke by SupremeHustle	Jan 29th, 2008 09:57:00 AM
I like fashion as much as the next guy, but you'd have to be crazy to wear a straightjacket. ***** thank god you posted multiple times. DING
Joke by SupremeHustle	Jan 29th, 2008 09:58:26 AM
You know who'll never be the best? Number 2 pencils.
Joke by SupremeHustle	Jan 29th, 2008 09:59:00 AM
At a party recently a friend of mine was bragging about how smart her little girl is. She told me her little girl could answer any question. So I asked the little girl her theory on how and why Santa Claus was murdered. You should have seen the look on that little girl's face. I stumped her ass. ***** see, this one would have won... seriously, that is some funny shit... supremehustle's 20th entry has to be DING
Actually, my joke wasn't a kiddie rape joke.. by HitchCock'n'Balz	Jan 29th, 2008 10:00:00 AM
that was consentual...you saw what she was wearing ***** god, he's a furry.
Joke by SupremeHustle	Jan 29th, 2008 10:01:00 AM
When Tom started his new job at the office, the team decided to take him to lunch. He told his new friends of his world travels. "Niger," Tom said. "You ever been to Niger? It's a country in Africa." Then, he realized he might be pronouncing Niger wrong. But it was too late. And that's the story of why we don't invite Tom to lunch anymore. ***** jesus, another good one. you should just do like everyone else and sign up for a couple hundred accounts. you could be DING@gmail.com
Joke... by HitchCock'n'Balz	Jan 29th, 2008 10:02:00 AM
What did the black kid get for his birthday? My bike... ***** bet he got his ass kicked for riding your banana seated bike with pink tassles. joke's on him. DING
JOKE by Octopus Prime	Jan 29th, 2008 10:02:00 AM
What's white & blue and sits in the middle of a field...........? A Fridge with a denim jacket on ***** keep your day job at the bada-DING
Joke by SupremeHustle	Jan 29th, 2008 10:02:57 AM
One of the worst things that can happen is your dentist showing up late for your root canal then telling you all about how he's also a proctologist and didn't have time to wash his hands.
Joke by SupremeHustle	Jan 29th, 2008 10:03:46 AM
He could tell by the look in her eyes that she had conjunctivitis.
Joke by Death Sticks	Jan 29th, 2008 10:05:00 AM
Three pregnant women are sitting in a doctor's office, and all three of them are knitting little baby sweaters as they wait for their checkups. The first woman, knitting her little sweater, turns to the other two and proudly declares "I'm taking extra calcium, because I want MY baby to have strong bones!" The second woman, knitting her little sweater, turns to the other two and proudly declares "Well, I'M taking extra protein, because I want MY baby to have strong muscles!" The third woman, knitting her little sweater, turns to the other two and declares "Well, I'm smoking crack... 'cuz I can't figure out how to knit ARMS on this damn thing!" ***** funny, and it will only piss-off pregnant crack heads.
Joke by SupremeHustle	Jan 29th, 2008 10:05:00 AM
If "The Jetsons" has taught us anything about the future, it's that the white supremacists win. www.compartmenttwo.com ***** is that link where you steal your bad jokes? try DING.com
JOKE by Octopus Prime	Jan 29th, 2008 10:07:00 AM
What's white & blue and stands in the middle of a field?.......... A fridge with a denim jacket on ***** wow, did you think this would get funnier if I had to read it twice? DING and DING
joke by rufusxavier	Jan 29th, 2008 10:07:00 AM
The pope goes in for his annual checkup. It turns out that he has a fatal disease with only one cure for men, and that is to have sex with a woman who has been injected with the antidote. The pope breaks the bad news to all the cardinals and ask what they think would be the right thing to do, he will abide by their decision no matter what. The cardinals hold their meeting and after much debate they decide that just this one time it would be ok for the pope to go through with the life saving procedure. When they deliver the news to the pope he says, "Thank you for giving me this chance to live on and continue to spread our word to the world. I only have four requirements that need to be met so I can go through with this: #1 - she must be blind so she cannot see who she is having sex with, #2 - she must be deaf so she cannot recognize my voice and figure out who she is having sex with, and #3 - she must be mute, so even if she does figure out who I am, she won't be able to tell anyone about what I did." The cardinals all agree that this would be the only way to go about doing this whole scenario. Finally one cardinal stands up and says, "But I thought you said there were four requirements, you only gave us three." The pope leans forward and says, "Oh yes, the fourth requirement - big tits." ***** ... then the cardinals combed the earth... and found your mamma. funny.
JOKE by ResevoirPuppie	Jan 29th, 2008 10:07:17 AM
This contest is so money.
JOKE by thrillgamesh	Jan 29th, 2008 10:08:00 AM
What would you call it if Keith Richards and Mick Jagger died from eating a bird-flu infected chicken? Killing two stones with one bird! ***** notice to all... thrillgamesh is skipping school right now and his mommy is very worried. read on for more DING
JOKE by thrillgamesh	Jan 29th, 2008 10:08:49 AM
Who's the most famous dead entertainer? Robert GHOUL-ET
JOKE by thrillgamesh	Jan 29th, 2008 10:09:24 AM
How can you tell when a skeleton is horny? He'll have a boner!
JOKE by thrillgamesh	Jan 29th, 2008 10:09:46 AM
Why did the redneck buy a cell phone? He thought it was a dildo!
These are fuckin hilarious by Abominable Snowcone	Jan 29th, 2008 10:10:16 AM
I might have to bring this stuff out. I'm having crying fits from laughter at work and people think I'm going crazy.
JOKE by thrillgamesh	Jan 29th, 2008 10:10:44 AM
Where do all the monsters buy their home goods? DEATH Bed, BLOOD Bath, and Beyond...the grave!!!!
JOKE by thrillgamesh	Jan 29th, 2008 10:12:20 AM
What do you call a penis that's had a vasectomy on October 31st? A hollow-weiner.
I mean 'print' this stuff out by Abominable Snowcone	Jan 29th, 2008 10:12:44 AM
funny
JOKE by thrillgamesh	Jan 29th, 2008 10:13:04 AM
Where does Santa kiss Mrs. Claus? Underneath the camel-toe.
JOKE by thrillgamesh	Jan 29th, 2008 10:13:32 AM
What's the motto for a whorehouse that doesn't take reservations? First served, first come.
JOKE by thrillgamesh	Jan 29th, 2008 10:13:58 AM
How many witches does it take to screw in a light bulb? 3. Even though they're members of the innermost circles of hell, they're still women.
JOKE by Woofski	Jan 29th, 2008 10:14:00 AM
Q: Why does Edward Woodward have four 'd's in his name? A: Because otherwise he'd be called Ewar Woowar. An oldie, but a goodie. ***** more like "an oldie, but a DINGie."
JOKE by thrillgamesh	Jan 29th, 2008 10:14:11 AM
What's the name of a serial killer with a terrible gas problem? Jack the Ripper.
JOKE by thrillgamesh	Jan 29th, 2008 10:14:24 AM
What's the most popular Halloween costume in Somalia? Clothing.
joke by shoveller	Jan 29th, 2008 10:15:00 AM
a guy walks into a bar and orders 3 vodka shots, 2 shots of bourbon, 3 shots of brandy and a double gin. The bartender puts them on the bar and the guy stars downing them one after another, with out even pausing to wince. "Hey buddy, slow down" say the concerned bartender, the guy pauses long enough to say "my friend, if you had what i had you'd be rushing these drinks too". "what do you have?" asked the bartender, the guy looks up and says, "75cents." ***** funny
enough jokes by thrillgamesh	Jan 29th, 2008 10:15:00 AM
One of those has got to stick... ***** hahaha, pathetic that this one is the funniest thrill has.DING (didn't put JOKE in the headline)
JOKE by Superflyfox	Jan 29th, 2008 10:16:00 AM
Mickey Mouse phones his lawyer to see how his divorce case against Minnie is going. Divorce Lawyer :- 'Mick i've told you before, you can't divorce Minny on the grounds of her having funny looking teeth' Mickey Mouse (High pitch voice):- 'I didn't say she's got funny looking teeth! I said she was fucking Goofy!!' ***** that just can't be correctly cut and pasted. try the DING-button instead.
Joke by shagdrum	Jan 29th, 2008 10:17:00 AM
Q: Why do blond women have bruised belly buttons? A: They have blond boyfriends. ***** i hope you're one of the five people that actually read the rules. funny, kind of turned it around on me there.
Joke by Francis Begbie	Jan 29th, 2008 10:17:00 AM
A Bear is chasing a rabbit in the woods one day and and they stumble into a leprechaun. The leprechaun stops them and tells them he will grant each one three wishes. The only stipulation is they have to be fair and take turns. The bear says, "Oh! me first, I wish that all the Bears in this forest are female. The leprechaun says "okay, done" The rabbit quickly says, "My turn! I wish for a motorcycle" and poof a motorcycle appears. The bear is confused, why not just ask for all the money in the world so the rabbit could just buy a motorcycle and whatever he wants? Anyway, the bear says "my turn, I wish all the bears in the neighboring woods are all female!" The leprechaun again, says your wish has come true. "My turn!" says the rabbit and wishes "I wish for a helmet" and bam! a helmet appears on the motorcycle. The bear again confused gives up trying to understand the rabbits logic and says "fuck it, I'm horny, I want evey bear in every forest but me to be female besides me!" The leprechaun says "your wish is granted you are going to be one happy bear!" With that, the rabbit puts on the helmet, gets on the motorcycle and says "I wish this bear was gay" and rides out of there like a bat out of hell! ***** good, but long, but good.
Joke by Slabbidy Blodahead	Jan 29th, 2008 10:18:00 AM
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest friggin' baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "That's not right. You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you." ***** ugly babies are funny.
Joke by Cepper	Jan 29th, 2008 10:19:00 AM
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants poorly demonstrate their skills, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous, "You have no arms!" "No matter." said the man, "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing the most beautiful melody the bishop had ever heard. He listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in street below. The stunned bishop rushed down to the scene. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "Well, I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell." ***** when he hit the bell, did it sound like this? DING
Joke by NoahTall	Jan 29th, 2008 10:19:00 AM
I got in a fight with a mechanic and he cheated. He hit me in the stomach with a spanner.............It was gut wrenching. ***** DING
I can't help myself....Jokes! by HitchCock'n'Balz	Jan 29th, 2008 10:21:24 AM
A guy walks into a bar and orders 9 shot's of Jager. The bartender says "Damn, son...what's the celebration"..."first Blow Job" says the man...As he starts knocking em back one by one the bartender says " First blow job huh? How bout a 10th shot on the house?"...to which the man replies "if 9 doesn't get the taste out of my mouth I don't think another one will"
joke by specialspecial	Jan 29th, 2008 10:23:00 AM
How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got him for Christmas? He felt his presents. NO, it is funny. ***** NO, it is DING
Joke by PhonicsMonkey	Jan 29th, 2008 10:25:00 AM
A man got on a plane and realized he was seated next to the Pope. Even though he was a devout Catholic, the man was too shy to speak to the Pope. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out off his bag and began working on it. This is fantastic, thought the man. I'm pretty good at crosswords. Maybe if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for help. Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'U-N-T'?" The man was in shock. He could only think of one word that fit the description and he was not about to say it to the Pope. He thought for a while longer, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'." "Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?" ***** pope jokes rule.
Joke by Inuchan	Jan 29th, 2008 10:25:47 AM
Q: How many revolutions in a microwave does it take to kill a puppy? A: I don't know, I was too busy masturbating.
Joke by PutZ	Jan 29th, 2008 10:26:00 AM
Two bums are hangin' round the alley beside the bar tryin to come up with a way to get a drink. They pool their money, but all they come up with is $1.50. The first bum sez, "I gotta plan", walks to the hot dog vender on the corner and blows their last bit of change on a hot dog. The second bum is furious, "How the hell is that supposed to get us a drink!?" "I've got a plan" sez the first bum. He throws the bun away and shoves the weiner down his pants, and proceeds to lay out his plan. "We'll walk into the bar and order the most expensive liquor they have. As soon as we finish, you drop down and start suckin on the hotdog, then bartender will throw us out on our ass!" The second bum is so desperate for a drink he'll try anything at this point, so they head on in to the bar to try it out. It works like a charm, soon as they chug their drink , he drops down and goes to down on the hot dog and the bartender throws em' out in the street! It works so well they decide to try it at the next bar down the street. Time after time it keeps working. Finally after several hours, and 15 bars, they are both sloshed outta their minds. The second bum says, "Man this was great but I think we gotta quit, my knees are killing me from dropin down so much." The first bum replies, "Hell I know what cha mean....I lost the hot dog 4 bars ago my dick is killing me!!!" ***** funny, long, funny
Joke by Lone Fox	Jan 29th, 2008 10:27:00 AM
Mr Shlub is pacing frantically outside the maternity ward. After 3 agonising days, and many complications, he is allowed to see his wife and child. 'Doctor, I've been so worried, are they--?' 'Mr Shlub, I'm pleased to say all went well. Your wife is in tip top form, and gave birth to a bouncing baby boy.' 'I have a son!' Mr Shlub cries as he rushes into the ward, the happiest day of his life. ..... But the room is empty. 'April fool! Your wife's dead and your baby's a stillbirth!' laughed the doctor. ***** cruel can be funny
inuchan by Abominable Snowcone	Jan 29th, 2008 10:27:47 AM
That's some sick shit, but I'm crying laughing...don't know what that says about me.
A Joke by PenguinSlide	Jan 29th, 2008 10:29:44 AM
So two rednecks decide they don’t want to be called “stupid rednecks” anymore, they want to get an education. So they go down to the local community college to find out what they’d have to do. One of them goes in and finds a professor. “Hey Professor. I’m trying to get an education. What should I take?” “Well,” says the professor, “Science, math, logic, English, history…” “Wait wait wait,” the redneck interrupts, “I understand science and math, but what the hell is logic?” “Well let me show you,” says the professor, “Do you own a lawnmower?” “Yeah…” “Then I can deduce with logic that you have a lawn.” “Yeah, that’s true…” “Since you have a lawn I can deduce you have a house.” “Yeah…” “If you have a house, then you have a family.” “Wow!” “And if you have a family, I can deduce you have a wife” “Shit you’re good!” “And if you have a wife, I can tell you’re heterosexual. You’re straight” “Yeah! Oh my god this is amazing!” Very impressed, the redneck runs out to tell the education plan to his friend. “Hey! We’re going to take Science, Math, English, History, and Logic!” “What the hell is logic?” His friend asks. “Well, let me show you. Do you have a lawnmower?” “No” “You’re gay.”
Joke by Diagnostic	Jan 29th, 2008 10:31:44 AM
A man is shopping at a drugstore when he sees the display "Box of 500 Suppositories: 90% Discount." Not knowing what they are but thinking it is a great deal, he buys a box. When he gets home, he opens one up and eats it. "Tasty!" says the man. After eating the whole box while watching tv, he goes back to the drugstore to get another box of suppositories. The pharmacist recognizes him and inquires, "Didn't you just buy 500 of these earlier today? What are you doing with them? Eating them?" Annoyed man responds "No, wiseguy, I am sticking them up my @ss!"
mrtgraz by Birdys Piano Teacher	Jan 29th, 2008 10:32:16 AM
Your God/gambling joke made me laugh a whole bunch. Nice job.
Joke by dean999	Jan 29th, 2008 10:34:17 AM
What do you call a dog with no arms and no legs? Lump.
Joke by PhonicsMonkey	Jan 29th, 2008 10:35:02 AM
A man decides that he's going to get married but only wants to married to a pure, virtuous woman. Thinking church is the best place to meet such a woman, the man heads down to the nearest church and immediately meets a beautiful and sweet lady. He takes her on a date and has a great time. At the end of the date he pulls out his dick and asks her "Do you know what this is?" The woman looks at it and replies "No. I have no idea." Feeling that he must have met the right woman, the man soon asks her to marry him. On their wedding night, the man again pulls his dick out. Again he asks her "Are you sure you don't know what this?" The woman looks at him and says again "No. I have no idea." "This" the man says proudly "is a dick!" The woman laughs, looks at him and says "No it's not. A dick is 10 inches long and black!"
A Joke again...with spaces by PenguinSlide	Jan 29th, 2008 10:35:13 AM
So two rednecks decide they don’t want to be called “stupid rednecks” anymore, they want to get an education. So they go down to the local community college to find out what they’d have to do. One of them goes in and finds a professor. “Hey Professor. I’m trying to get an education. What should I take?” “Well,” says the professor, “Science, math, logic, English, history…” “Wait wait wait,” the redneck interrupts, “I understand science and math, but what the hell is logic?” “Well let me show you,” says the professor, “Do you own a lawnmower?” “Yeah…” “Then I can deduce with logic that you have a lawn.” “Yeah, that’s true…” “Since you have a lawn I can deduce you have a house.” “Yeah…” “If you have a house, then you have a family.” “Wow!” “And if you have a family, I can deduce you have a wife” “Shit you’re good!” “And if you have a wife, I can tell you’re heterosexual. You’re straight” “Yeah! Oh my god this is amazing!” Very impressed, the redneck runs out to tell the education plan to his friend. “Hey! We’re going to take Science, Math, English, History, and Logic!” “What the hell is logic?” His friend asks. “Well, let me show you. Do you have a lawnmower?” “No” “You’re gay.”
Jokes aren't funny by ugly	Jan 29th, 2008 10:40:42 AM
That is all.
Joke by lookitsalex	Jan 29th, 2008 10:41:00 AM
Q-How does a turtle with no arms or legs get across the freeway? A-You take the F out of free and take the F out of way. ***** two posts are twice as DING
Joke by lookitsalex	Jan 29th, 2008 10:41:06 AM
Q-How does a turtle with no arms or legs get across the freeway? A-You take the F out of free and take the F out of way.
Joke by DrakeVan	Jan 29th, 2008 10:52:07 AM
How many Freudian analysts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw in the lightbulb, and one to hold my penis. I mean "my MOTHER!!" I MEAN "THE LADDER!!!"
Joke by Street	Jan 29th, 2008 10:53:31 AM
Q: What's The First Sign Of Madness? A: Suggs walking up your driveway.
Joke by Gmurrin	Jan 29th, 2008 10:54:01 AM
Did you hear about the Psychic Midget that escaped from prison? The newspaper headlines read "Small Medium at Large!"
Joke (probably fairly old) by Lost Jarv	Jan 29th, 2008 10:55:43 AM
Little Johnny walks into a brothel carrying a dead frog. He walks up to the madam, slaps the frog in her hand and says "Bitch, I want a hooker" The Madam replies, "erm, no. How old are you" Johnny says "I'm twelve, and I've got my life savings. I'm telling you, bitch, I want a whore". And with that he breaks out $2,000 The madam is taken aback, "Erm, well, erm, alright then. I'll get you the best, cleanest whore we have. It's your first time so we'd better make it special." Johnny replies "No, I want the nastiest, most disease ridden trollop on the establishment" "Why on earth would you want that?" responds the madam. "Well, I'm going to go in there and fuck her 4 times without protection, one of them in the ass. Then I'll get the clap. Then I'm going home. My parents are out tonight, so I'll have a babysitter. And I'll fuck her. So she'll get the clap. Then my Dad will give her a ride home, and I know the dirty old git, and he'll fuck her. So he'll get the clap. When he get's in he'll be feeling guilty about shagging the babysitter, so he'll fuck my mother. So She'll get the clap. She's a right slut, and I know she can't help herself, so the next morning when the postman comes round with the mail she'll drop her pants and fuck him good and proper. SO He'll get the clap." "AND THAT'S THE BASTARD THAT KILLED MY FROG!"
Joke by Magnum Opus	Jan 29th, 2008 10:56:53 AM
A grasshopper walks into a bar, but can't decide what he wants to drink. The bartender tells him, "I've got just the thing! There's actually a drink named after you!" To which the grasshopper replies, "Really? There's a drink called Steve?"
Joke: by Palil_Stonewall	Jan 29th, 2008 10:58:12 AM
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
Joke by Magnum Opus	Jan 29th, 2008 11:02:13 AM
What did the man say at the gay picnic? "This hotdog tastes like shit!"
JOKE by Heckles	Jan 29th, 2008 11:05:28 AM
In high school, the class slut was trying to shed her tawdry image. She wanted to be known for her intelligence. One day in science class the topic of reproduction was discussed, something she happened to know a lot about, being a slut and all. The teacher mentioned semen and how it contained a sort of glucose, or sugar. The class slut instinctively shot her hand up in the air and boasted, "actually, from what I read," she lied, "it doesn't have a taste to it at all." To which the teacher replied, "I can see why you would think that... because you don't have taste buds in the back of your throat."
Joke by 7Cal	Jan 29th, 2008 11:07:00 AM
Little Johnny walks into the kitchen while his mother is making dinner. He tugs at her apron and says "Ma, ma, granny's got a shrimp! His mother looks annoyed at the interruption and continues cutting the vegetables. He tugs again "Ma! Granny's got a shrimp!" His mother looks exasperated, looks down at Johnny and says "What!?". He repeats "Granny's got a shrimp!" and takes her by the hand into the living room. There, nude and passed-out spread eagle on the sofa, lies Granny. Little Johnny points between her legs and says "See! Granny's got a shrimp!" His mother says in a stern voice "Young man! That's not a shrimp! That's granny's clitoris!" Johnny is silent for a long moment while he thinks this offer. Then he says "Huh. Well it TASTED like shrimp!" By the way not sure which email I have on this account, so on the off chance I win send an email to calspam.bond (at) gmail.com ***** sure, it's in the mail... DING
Doh! by 7Cal	Jan 29th, 2008 11:07:50 AM
Johnn is silent for a long moment while he thinks this OVER
Joke by JohnnyRicoHatesBugs	Jan 29th, 2008 11:11:00 AM
What do you call a black guy flying an airplane? A pilot you fucking racist! ***** funny, potty-mouth, potential winner
JOKE by mdmouthdrummer	Jan 29th, 2008 11:12:26 AM

Joke by s00p3rm4n	Jan 29th, 2008 11:13:00 AM
I wonder if any perverted midgets have half-length mirrors above their beds so they can watch themselves halving sex. The second part of that joke is that when I wrote it I spelled it “halving.” ***** if you need sixteen words to explain a twenty word joke, it's DING
Joke by Wheel99	Jan 29th, 2008 11:13:00 AM
A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?" ***** wow, that was bad.... DING
Joke by DarqueGuy	Jan 29th, 2008 11:16:00 AM
What's 18 inches and makes a woman scream? Crib death. ***** yeah... no... DING
JOKE by MoorishDignity	Jan 29th, 2008 11:16:00 AM
Q: What's the difference between a potato and a hooker? A: A potato doesn't scream when you cut its eyes out. ***** DING
JOKE by mdmouthdrummer	Jan 29th, 2008 11:18:00 AM
What does the Deutsche Mark and pictures of Briteny Spears' vagina have in common? There are so many of them now, they aren't worth anything. And they're dirty. ***** you're out for the misspelling of this very talented girl's name... DING
Joke by friskevision	Jan 29th, 2008 11:21:00 AM
What's the great thing about fucking twenty-eight year olds? There's 20 of them. ***** clever, can you count to DING?
JOKE by herow/1000faces	Jan 29th, 2008 11:22:00 AM
Two British aristocrats are sipping brandy in a gentlemen’s club. One says to the other, “I say old chap, did I ever tell you about when I went on safari in Africa?” “Why no old bean," the other replies, "I don’t think that you ever did.” “Why yes!" the first gentleman continues, "I was hunting wild game in the Serengeti when suddenly, from behind a patch of tall grass, a lion jumped out at me and it roared like this ‘RRROOOOOOAAAAARRRR!’ And I shit in my pants.” “Well!" the second gentleman exclaims, "I can imagine you would shit in your pants old bean, a lion jumping out at you unexpectedly like that.” “No, no, no." says the first gentleman, "Not then, I meant just now when I went ‘RRROOOOOOAAAAARRRR!’” ***** DDDDDDIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGG
joke by mikeyone	Jan 29th, 2008 11:22:32 AM
A blonde headmistress starts at her new school. in an attempt to bond with the students she takes a walk outside. she sees a bunch of guys hanging around the back field and decides to talk to the one who is standing on his own. "hey you," she says to the boy " it's alright to go and play with the other boys you know." " that's okay," he replies," i'll stay right here." "why?" asks the blond. "'cause I'm the fucking goalie."
Joke by henrydalton	Jan 29th, 2008 11:23:34 AM
Q. What's got two legs and bleeds? A. Half a dog.
Joke by henrydalton	Jan 29th, 2008 11:24:09 AM
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave till its bill withers.
Joke by kibbled	Jan 29th, 2008 11:25:37 AM
This is one my dad told me There are three solders in a prison camp that are about to be executed. Fortunealty, one of the solders found out the guards are really afraid of natural disasters. The guards dragged the first solder out. The placed a blindfold on his head. The captain of the guards said "READY, AIM...." The first solder yelled out "HURRICANE!!!!" The guards scattered and the first solder jumped over the wall and escaped. The guards then got under control and dragged the second solder out. "READY, AIM.... " The second solder yelled "TORNADO". The guards panicked and the second solder was able to get over the wall. The third and the least intelligent solder got taken out of the jail cell. The captain of the guard again command "READY, AIM...." and the thrid solder yelled out "FIRE!!!!!!!"
html test by madoo14	Jan 29th, 2008 11:30:00 AM
I'm not sure exactly how html works on here google bold italics ***** and I am sure a movie review website is the place to learn HTML
Joke by idahomer	Jan 29th, 2008 11:33:00 AM
Q: What's green and brown and crawls through the grass? A: A Girl Scout who lost her cookies. What do I win? ***** you win some advice and a DING, find a new website to steal jokes from.
JOKE by madoo14	Jan 29th, 2008 11:35:00 AM
I was walking from class with this girl I know and she had on those giant sunglasses that girls like to wear. I asked her "what's the deal with the welder's goggles" to which she replied: "these are my DIVA glasses." I didn't really get it at first but then it all made sense. Diva glasses . . . to cover up all the black eyes. ***** I tried, but I am having trouble figuring out what the good joke was that you mangled. DING
Joke by SkiBum	Jan 29th, 2008 11:41:00 AM
A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender takes one look at him and starts laughing. "Hey, pirate. Where are your buccaneers?" he asks. The pirate looks at the bartender and replies "Under my buckin hat." ***** he's also got a DING under his hat
Joke by Turd Furgusen	Jan 29th, 2008 11:43:00 AM
You've all heard of the Dirty Sanchez? Well, I have a different sex technique called the Tanya Harding. Have the woman stand and bend over a counter or table top. Enter her from behind. Just before you come, hit her in the knee with a metal pipe. When she drops to the floor, come in her hair then style it like Tanya Harding's. ***** there isn't enough goo in a bukkaki movie to gel that style. BTW, it is spelled tonya harDING
Bangs and All..... by Turd Furgusen	Jan 29th, 2008 11:44:19 AM
x-)
Joke by Nemo_Brewster	Jan 29th, 2008 11:46:43 AM
A woman buys a parrot at a pet store. Before the woman leaves, the clerk says, "I should warn you that that parrot has a swearing problem, but if you work with him on it, he should be fine." All week, the parrot did not utter one profane word. For some reason, she decided to take the parrot to church with her. During the prayer, the parrot squawks, "goddamn it's cold in here!" Horrified, she ran out of the church, taking the parrot with her. She went to the pet store and told the clerk what had happened. "Okay", the clerk said, "here's what you do. When he swears, grab him by the feet and spin him in circles over your head, as fast and hard as you can." Again, for some strange reason, she decided to take the parrot back to church with her. During the prayer, the parrot squawks, "goddamn, it's cold in here!" The woman grabs the parrot by its feet and proceeds to spin the parrot around in circles over her head. She then sat the parrot back on her shoulder. The dizzy parrot then shrieks, "it's fucking windy, too!"
joke by phalaughul	Jan 29th, 2008 11:46:55 AM
so a little girl is riding her new bike that she got in the park when an officer on a horse stops her the officer tells the little girl, "hey there.. nice bike , did santa bring you that bike?" the little girl replied " yea i got it for christmas" the officer then begins to write a citation to the little girl, telling her" next time tell santa it's supposed to come with a helmet" as the little girl receives her ticket for not wearing a helmet, the little girl asks the officer, "did santan bring you that horse"? the officer replied " yea, why"? the little girl then tells the officer " next time tell santa that the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top"
Joke by Abominable Snowcone	Jan 29th, 2008 11:48:00 AM
Little Joey was visiting his old elderly grandfather at the nursing home. Curious, Joey liked to open and close the dresser drawers and closet. "Grandpa," he asked. "Do you wear boxers or briefs?" "Depends," grandpa said. And then he fucking SHIT HIMSELF ***** then little joey found a DING on the floor
Joke by mustard	Jan 29th, 2008 11:52:00 AM
what's blue and fucks grandmas? ... me in my lucky blue suit. ***** did you use your lucky DING?
Joke by The Gingerbeard Man	Jan 29th, 2008 11:57:00 AM
Q; How do you get a tissue to dance? A: Put a little boogie in it! THAT IS THE BEST JOKE OF ALL TIME. ***** by "all time" you must mean nap time at pre-k DING
JOKE by American Hyena	Jan 29th, 2008 12:06:26 PM
Why can't gerbils drive? Cause they're always stuck in Gere.
Joke by Buz3000	Jan 29th, 2008 12:13:54 PM
A man goes to the doctors and says he has a problem, the doctor asks what it is and he shows him his dick which is bright orange. The doctor says "what do you do for a living?" The man replies "Nothing, I don't work" "So what do you do all day?" asks the doctor "I don't know says the man, sit around all day watching porn and eating Cheetos"
JOKE by matalo	Jan 29th, 2008 12:16:00 PM
Q: What's a dickfor? A: To pee with. ***** Q: what's a DINGfor?
JOKE by TraumReiter	Jan 29th, 2008 12:16:00 PM
Q: Why do 15 year old turkish guys wear a mustage? A: So that they are allowed to enter a night club with their mom's ID. ***** WTF is a mustage? is it something like a DING?
Joke by TheBri	Jan 29th, 2008 12:16:00 PM
Q: What's the last thing to go through a fly's mind when he hits a windshield? A: His Ass ***** then his DING
Joke by ITSpook	Jan 29th, 2008 12:16:02 PM
One from the land of snow and ice... Some of the top minds in America wanted to know what the head of a penis was for, so the government authroized 10 millon dollars for a study. The study determined that the head of a penis was meant for the pleasure of the man. Not to be out done, the Russians launch a study and they spend 10 million dollars. Their study concluded the head of a penis was meant for the pleasure of the woman. The Canadians wade into the frey and manage to scrape together about 5 thousand dollars. Their study concluded that the head of a penis is meant to keep the hand from flying off the end of the shaft.
Joke by Denton56	Jan 29th, 2008 12:19:54 PM
A man is driving the pope through New York. The pope asks him halfway thorough the ride if he can drive. The driver doesn't know what to do, but decides to let him so he doesn't get into trouble. Well after a few minutes driving the pope gets pulled over. The cop takes a look at him backs off and gets on the radio with his captain and says. "Captain, we have a problem. I pulled over someone big." The captain says, "Don't tell me you've pulled over the mayor." The cop says, "No this guy is bigger than the mayor." The captain says, "You pulled over a governor?" The cop says, "Bigger." The captain gets infuriated, "DON'T TELL ME YOU PULLED OVER THE PRESIDENT!" The cop says, "No this guy is bigger than the president." The captain is confused but asks "Who the hell is he?" The cop says "I don't know, but he's got the fucking pope as a driver."
JOKE by lavalizard69	Jan 29th, 2008 12:24:44 PM
A penguin walks into a corner store and asks the clerk: 'Do you have any grapes?" 'No,'he replies. The next day the penguin walks in and asks again. 'No, and if you come in asking for grapes again I will nail your flippers to the floor!' The next day the penguin walks in and asks: 'Got any nails?' 'No,' replies the assistant. 'Got any grapes?' the penguin asks.
JOKE by JohnnyNonReg	Jan 29th, 2008 12:27:00 PM
Two guys, one married, one single, hit a bar after work one night, and they're sitting and drinking their beer when this gorgeous, statuesque blonde strolls up next to the single guy. He looks over at her and can't help but notice that she's practically falling out of her dress. So he says, "evenin', ma'am, mind if I buy you a boobs--err beer?" She gets pissed and storms off. "I can't believe I Did that," he says. The married guy says, "happens all the time. They call it a Freudian slip... where you say what's really on your mind instead of what you intended to say." The single guy is skeptical. "Has it ever happened to you?" "Oh, absolutely. Just the other morning, my wife and I were sitting at breakfast. I meant to say, 'would you please pass the salt' and accidentally said, 'you fucking bitch, you ruined my life.'" (THE END) ***** old even by our standards (posted earlier) DING
JOKE by KosherWookie	Jan 29th, 2008 12:27:00 PM
"Vince F#cking Vaughn." Who finds this schmuck even remotely funny? Oh yeah, fat losers. ***** haha, and you're not one? kosherDINGwookie
Joke by mechanicalape	Jan 29th, 2008 12:28:33 PM
Why should you never go down on a woman first thing in the morning? Have you ever tried to open a grilled cheese sandwich?
JOKE WINNER by FlyinHawaiian	Jan 29th, 2008 12:30:35 PM
What's the difference between an apple and a baby? I don't cum on my apple before I slice it up and eat it.
Joke by DarthQueefer	Jan 29th, 2008 12:31:21 PM
What's the difference between a refrigerator and Richard Simmons ? A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
joke by blogingposter	Jan 29th, 2008 12:32:02 PM
my sex life
Joke by DarthQueefer	Jan 29th, 2008 12:32:07 PM
A baby seal walks into a club.
Joke by bryn_cmbs	Jan 29th, 2008 12:34:51 PM
Aflred, and elderly gay man passes away. He was the Hugh Heffner of gay men, as he had 3 live-in boyfriends. At Alfred’s funeral his boy toys where sitting contemplating on what they should do with his ashes. The first said he was going to spread them out at sea, because Alfred loved the ocean. The second said he’d like to keep a few of them in a locket around his neck. After some thought the third boyfriend says, “I’m going to make the biggest, hottest pot of chili I can and add Alfred’s ashes to it. Then I am going to eat it so he can tear my butt up one more time.”
Quint... by Kal Reeve	Jan 29th, 2008 12:35:29 PM
If you're involved with this try not to pick any racist jokes. Just because you might enjoy them doesn't mean anyone else does.
JOKE by NagromEfDisk	Jan 29th, 2008 12:36:10 PM
The FBI is looking for a new agent and has narrowed its list down to three candidates. To narrow it down they have come up with a final trial in order to pick the right person. They bring in the first candidate and explain the task. "Take this gun and shoot the person in side the room over there." The man is 21 years old and well groomed, he takes the gun and marches into the room and slams the door. And then ... silence. After 5 minutes he walks out crying, and tells the recruiting officer "I have a bone to pick with you sir. That is my fiance and we are about to start our lives together. HOW DARE YOU ask me to shoot her." The officer thanks him and shows him out. The next candidate is brought in, and handed a gun. "Take this gun and shoot the person in that room back there." The man is older, around 59 and picks up the gun with skill. He walks calmly to the door and closes it behind him. Within 30 seconds the man storms out of the room and slams the gun on the desk. "I have a bone to pick with you! How dare you expect me to kill my wife of 30 years, when we are about to spend the best years of our lives together?" The officer nods and shows the man to the door. The last candidate is shown in, and asked to perform the same task. This man, is 40ish and just starting to gray. He takes the gun and walks over to the and closes it behind him. And... BLAM...... BLAM. BLAM. BLAM. The sound of shouting, chairs being thrown, and a final muffled cry comes from the room. The man comes panting from the room. "I have a bone to pick with you sir. That gun was filled with blanks. I had to strangle the bitch."
Joke by slappy jones	Jan 29th, 2008 12:39:29 PM
A guy goes to confession and says "father forgive me for i have sinned and I fear I will be kicked out of the church" The priest says "my son why would I kick you from the church" "well" the man says "last night i gave into temptation and threw my wife over the fridge and took her from behind" the preist gave a small chuckle "oh my son we won't throw you out of the church for that" the man sighed in relief "thank god cos they threw me out of the supermarket"
Joke by TheLawr	Jan 29th, 2008 12:44:24 PM
An Tony Blair and George Bush go for a walk one day. As they're walking along they start to feel hungry. "You know what i fancy?" says Tony, "Fish!" "But we don't have any fishing gear!" says George, Tony thinks for a moment, "I'll tell you what, you see this here bridge, dangle me over the edge" So George Bush dangles Tony Blair over the edge of the bridge, Tony reaches into the river underneath and waits for a fish to come along. After about five minutes Tony shouts "Pull me up!", George pulls him up and there is a fish in Tony's hands. "That's amazing!" says George, and they cook and eat the fish right there by the road. Half an hour later they start to feel hungry again. "lower me over this bridge!" says George Bush. So Tony Blair lowers George Bush over the edge of the bridge. After ten minutes George shouts "Pull me up!" "have you got a fish?" asks Tony, "No!" says George "I think there's a train coming!"
Joke by Radiokaos	Jan 29th, 2008 12:45:17 PM
You know how you can tell if a guy's gay? When your fucking him in the ass, and you do a reach around, and he is already hard.
Joke by DarthQueefer	Jan 29th, 2008 12:45:56 PM
The Dead Cat Test: A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked if it was dead or alive. "Dead," she was informed. "How do you know?", she asked. "Because I pissed in his ear and it didn't move," said the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?", the teacher squealed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'pssst' and he didn't move."
JOKE...JOKE!!!! by Outlaw	Jan 29th, 2008 12:47:41 PM
Three men are trapped on an island with a tribe of cannibals. The chief cannibal tells the three men that their lives will be spared if they can collect three of the same fruits and bring them to the chief; however, they cannot show any emotions the entire time. Thinking that the task was easy enough, the three men set out searching for three of the same fruit throughout the island. The first man comes back with three bananas. “Good,” says the chief, “now, you must shove these bananas up your ass!” The man gasps and is immediately thrown into a boilin pot of stew. The second man comes back with three small coconuts. “Good,” says the chief, “now you must shove these small coconuts up your ass!” The man does not flinch. He slowly drops his pants and shoves one coconut up his ass. He then proceeds to shove a second coconut up his ass! Finally he begins to shove the third coconut up his ass, until halfway through, the man looks up and begins to laugh hysterically. The tribe grabs the man and throws him into the stew! The second man wakes up in Heaven with the first man looking at him curiously. “What happened?” The first man asked, “You were so close to walking out with your life! Why were you laughing like a maniac?” “I couldn’t help it!” said the second man, “I looked up and I saw the last guy running back with pineapples!”
Joke by ChickenDelicious	Jan 29th, 2008 12:53:59 PM
What's brown and green and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you? A pool table.
Joke by Deuce Hexx	Jan 29th, 2008 12:55:42 PM
Q: Why do they call it a pap smear? A: Becuase 'cunt scrape' sounds gross.
Joke by NBC Shill	Jan 29th, 2008 01:00:34 PM
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful structure forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral......... I'm a gynecologist."
I just got off the phone with Tom Cruise by Abominable Snowcone	Jan 29th, 2008 01:10:28 PM
and he says all you sick bastards are going to hell...unless you call him to schedule an e-meter reading and purification rundown, STAT.
Joke by Vamp-AICNchat	Jan 29th, 2008 01:11:19 PM
What's white and sticky and slides down a public toilet wall? .............................. .............................. ...........GEORGE MICHAEL'S LATEST RELEASE!!!
Joke by sickboy_ukuk	Jan 29th, 2008 01:11:23 PM
An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
JOKE by Vercetti1701	Jan 29th, 2008 01:11:47 PM
A lady is working at a sperm bank organizing specimens when a man in a ski mask walks in brandishing an uzi. The man says "Lady, I want you to take that specimen you're holding and DRINK IT!" The lady panics and says "You want me to WHAT?" The man in the ski mask cocks his machine gun and says "I want you drink that specimen or I'll blow your head off!" The lady promptly takes the sperm specimen and downs it like a shot. The man takes off his mask and it turns out it's the woman's husband. He says "See? That wasn't so hard, was it?"
Joke by CryptoKnight	Jan 29th, 2008 01:12:19 PM
How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbu...wanna ride bikes?
Joke Joke! by ronnyboy	Jan 29th, 2008 01:15:19 PM
What's the difference between a FRIDGE and a PUSSY? A fridge doesn't FART when you pull out the MEAT!!!
Joke by Vamp-AICNchat	Jan 29th, 2008 01:15:47 PM
This man phones in work sick, he says "I can't make work today I'm sick", his boss says "How sick are you?" he said "Well, I'm in bed with my sister!!"
Joke by Vamp-AICNchat	Jan 29th, 2008 01:17:00 PM
What's the difference between a pussy and a fridge?....................... .WHEN YOU PULL YOUR MEAT OUT OF THE FRIDGE IT DOESN'T FART!! ***** haha, what's the difference between a DING and a DING?
Joke by TheTagger	Jan 29th, 2008 01:17:55 PM
A couple are having sex in their bedroom. At the last second, the guy pulls out, shoves his cock up her ass, and comes like crazy. Later, as they are lying next to each other, the girl turns to the guy and says, "You know, that little stunt you pulled back there, that was pretty presumptuous." The guy responds, "Huh. Presumptuous. That's a pretty big word for a nine year old."
Joke by Vamp-AICNchat	Jan 29th, 2008 01:18:44 PM
What's green and smells?......HULS FARTS!
Joke by Vamp-AICNchat	Jan 29th, 2008 01:19:22 PM
*Hulks farts.
Joke by vadakinX	Jan 29th, 2008 01:19:34 PM
It's been mentioned already, but not told, and there are so many variations of the joke, there's not a single one to choose, so here's my version... Oh and reader discretion is advised: A man is working as a talent agent and he gets a call looking for acts for an upcoming variety show in Las Vegas. Unfortunately, he doesn't have enough acts on his roster to fill the show so he has to audition new acts. So, that Saturday, he spends the day auditioning acts but each one is awful, and after a long and tiring day he's about to give up when a man, his wife, 12 year old son and 8 year old daughter walk in. Wanting to just get things overwith, the agent signals them to start performing their act as he sits back in his chair, counting the seconds until he can go home. The agent is then shocked as the man punches his daughter in the face while the wife gets down on her knees and taking out her sons cock, she begins to suck. Meanwhile the husband rips the clothes from his daughters body and begins shoving his own cock down her throat as the wife, without taking her lips from her sons cock, leans over and begins fingering her daughter. This goes on for about 5 minutes, with the agent unable to move or speak, because he is in complete shock over what is happening before his eyes. The husband turns his daughter onto all fours and rams his cock in her eight-year old ass as the wife shoves her sons face against her pussy and demands that he suck her clit until it turns blue while he puts his cock in his sisters throat, so she is being fucked from both ends. Eventually the husbands pulls his cock from his daughters ass, which is now leaking shit and blood, and places his lips against her puckered hole and starts licking it all up while the son pushes his other back and starts fucking her. As this is going on, the childrens grandmother, who had been waiting outside in the car, comes in with the family dog. She looks at whats happening and then takes her clothes off and gets the dog to mount her and start fucking her. On and on it goes, with blood and cum and shit everywhere, the daughter getting fucked by her brother, her father and the dog, the mother sticking a tube up her sons ass, giving him an enema, licking up the watered down shit and rolling around in it as it pours out of him. They spend an hour fucking each other, constantly switching positions, taking turns ravaging each others bodies and letting their dog have his way with each of them. The son and the father fuck each other as the grandmother climbs on to the talent agenst desk with the wife and child and they fist each others asses in a lesbian three-way. The family is even joined by three homeless people at one point who fuck the women and shove filthy, half full wine bottles into their pussies and drink the stale wine from them, mixed with blood and cum, before taking turns shitting and pissing in the each of the family members mouths. And after an hour of the most depraved, disgusting, perveted sexual acts imaginable, with everything from raping the daughters ass to mass-fucking the dog, the family stand up, covered in sweat and cum and blood and wine and shit, they take a bow and in unison, do a jazz hands move, each singing: Taa-daaaaaa Completely stunned and shocked, the talent agent stares at the depraved family, unsure what to say or how to react. Finally, he manages to stutter a response... Agent: Uh...that was...wow...what is this act? What do you call yourselves? The family respond together: THE ARISTOCRATS -------------- Not everyone will get that joke...it's something of a tradition among comedians...the version I've written here is an abridged version, not half as filthy (believe it or not) as some of the versions out there, and is not even half as long as the version I normally tell...but dammit it's the best joke ever :P
Joke by Abominable Snowcone	Jan 29th, 2008 01:21:00 PM
How many Tourette's kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? NnnnnnNIPPLES!
Joke by Irockedfraggle	Jan 29th, 2008 01:21:32 PM
Whats the worst part about eating a vegetable? Putting her back in the wheel chair.
Joke by Vamp-AICNchat	Jan 29th, 2008 01:22:54 PM
Why wasn't Jesus born in America?.....THEY COULDN'T FIND THREE WISE MEN AND A VIRGIN!!!!!
Delicious Cowbell... by HitchCock'n'Balz	Jan 29th, 2008 01:23:30 PM
Your welcome
Joke by Kirbymanly	Jan 29th, 2008 01:28:40 PM
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and paper bag? Michael Jackson is a child molester.
JOKE by Utamoh	Jan 29th, 2008 01:35:28 PM
A sad-looking gentleman is sitting at a bar, when along comes a beautiful, but equally sad-looking woman. After several drinks, the guy decides to speak up. "You don't look so happy." She replies "My boyfriend left me. I was too kinky for him." "You're kidding! My girlfriend thought I was too kinky!", says the man. After a few drinks, the girl invites the man to her place. "Let me slip into something more comfortable," she says, and after a few minutes comes out in the most outrageous leather outfit, with spiked whips, chains and handcuffs. The guy however, is putting on his coat and is about to leave. "Hey where are you going? Am I too kinky for you?" The guy replies "Lady, I fucked your dog, I shit in your purse. I'm done, I'm outta here."
JOKE by Kingdaddy	Jan 29th, 2008 01:35:45 PM
A Chinese couple is lying in bed one night. The husband rolls over and say, "Wife, I want 69 now!". The wife rolls over and says, "You want Beef and Bloccori now?"
Joke by DeweyOxburger	Jan 29th, 2008 01:37:27 PM
Q. What's the difference between a baby and a table? A. You can't rape a table...ZING...
My Apologies by DeweyOxburger	Jan 29th, 2008 01:38:50 PM
yep, already regret posting that one...
The Fridge Joke... by Corterville	Jan 29th, 2008 01:39:07 PM
Has been used a hundred times already! No more please!
joke by Knockout Ned	Jan 29th, 2008 01:41:14 PM
There's this balloon family. Mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon. baby balloon always gets scared at night, sleeping in his own bed, so he keeps sneaking into his parents bed. this goes on for a few nights, so one day daddy balloon takes baby balloon to one side and says "listen son, its about time you slept in your own bed. you're getting too old for this. If i catch you in our bed again, i'm going to be very disappointed". So that night, baby balloon's in bed, but he can't sleep. he's just too scared. So he creeps into his parents' room and goes to get into their bed, but mummy and daddy balloon have pushed close together and there's no room for baby balloon. thinking what to do, baby balloon decides to undo daddy balloons knot and he lets a bit of air out and ties it up again but there's still not enough room. he then undoes mummy balloons knot and lets some air out, but there's still not quite enough room. so he undoes his own knot and does the same thing to himself and there's just enough room for him to squeeze happily into the bed. in the morning daddy balloon angrily takes him to one side and says "I'm extremely disappointed in you son. You've let me down. you've let your mother down. And worse of all you've let yourself down!"
Joke by Abominable Snowcone	Jan 29th, 2008 01:47:07 PM
Knock knock. Who's There? Little Boy Blue. Little Boy Blue who? Michael Jackson. Hee-hee! Shamoan
Joke by Abominable Snowcone	Jan 29th, 2008 01:52:18 PM
What's soft and brown and sometimes found in little boy's underpants? Michael Jackson's hand.
joke by jmn	Jan 29th, 2008 02:00:58 PM
Three women are sitting in a bar. The first woman says, "I'm so loose, my boyfriend could stick his whole arm up my cookie." The second woman claims, "I'm so loose, my boyfriend could stick his whole leg up my taco." The third lady laughs and slides down the barstool.
Joke by Rev. Batman	Jan 29th, 2008 02:02:22 PM
So I dated this guy for awhile and his family didn't accept the fact that he was interested in men. So they took him to their church three or four times to "Exorcise the Gay out of him" and, I gotta tell ya, it really sucked with the Holy Water and the angry chants and the crying. I mean... All they had to do was ask me to pull out.
Joke by klonger	Jan 29th, 2008 02:04:21 PM
Jesus and Moses are fishing up on Lake Heaven. Jesus turns to Moses and asks, "Moses, can you still do that trick that you use to do down on earth?" Moses carefully stands up in the boat, raises his arms, and parts his hands. Sure enough, the lake's water splits in half and the boat drops to the ground beneath. Moses puts his hands back together, the waters come back and the boat rises to the surface. So, then Moses turns to Jesus and asks, "Well, can you still do that trick you use to do down on earth?" Jesus carefully steps out of the boat and begins walking on top of the water! After about five steps he falls over and begins to go underwater. Moses quickly paddles the boat over and helps Jesus back in. Jesus coughs out some water in his lungs and says "Dang, last time I tried that I didn't have holes in my feet!"
joke by mansquito88	Jan 29th, 2008 02:06:22 PM
scientists have recently discovered that women, at some point, will contain intelligent DNA. unfortunately 98% will spit it out
joke by tough_times	Jan 29th, 2008 02:08:00 PM
Q: What's black, white, and red all over but can't fit through doors? A: A nun with a spear through her head.
Joke by ron2112	Jan 29th, 2008 02:11:12 PM
Two guys are getting into a rowboat. First guy says, "Which side do you want, left or right?" Second guy says, "Either or."
Joke by Mephisto the Great	Jan 29th, 2008 02:11:25 PM
A man walks into a bar and see a strange sight: a tiny little man playing the piano, perhaps no bigger than a foot tall. "Where did THAT come from?" the guy asked. "I used this magic penny," another man said. "Give it a try." So the first guy took the penny in hand and said, "Give me a million dollars!" To his surprise, a fine carpet of long, musky hair dropped from the sky and fell upon him. "Eww!" he says, "These are a million DOGHAIRS, not dollars. What's up with this penny?" "Tell me about it," the other guy said. "Do you honestly think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?"
Joke by jburatti	Jan 29th, 2008 02:18:29 PM
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel shoved down his pants. The bartender looks up and say "Man, that look uncomfortable." The pirate says "Arrrr, she's driving me nuts!"
JOKE by michyfergi5	Jan 29th, 2008 02:22:36 PM
A guy walks into a bar. He's a nightly customer so the bartender gives him his usual drink. The guy tells the bartender, "No, I better not have my usual. Last night I got wasted off this stuff and blew chunks." The bartender looks at him and says, "There's nothing wrong with that. Everyone throws-up ever now and again." To which the customer replied, "No. You don't understand. Chunks is my dog".
more pirate jokes please by Flying Spaghetti Monster	Jan 29th, 2008 02:22:55 PM
too funny
JOKE by alexspencer	Jan 29th, 2008 02:23:45 PM
Woman goes to her gynocologist. Gyno takes one look and say, "This is the biggest vagina I've every seen. This is the biggest vagina I've ever seen." She says, "You don't have to say it twice. Doc says, "I didn't!"
Sister joke by augustwest	Jan 29th, 2008 02:24:48 PM
How do you know when your sister is having her period? Your dad's dick tastes funny....
another joke by MC-909	Jan 29th, 2008 02:27:38 PM
A shy guy asks his confident friend how he has so much luck picking up women. His confident friend says, "well, I walk up to a girl and whisper in her ear 'tickle your ass with a feather?' She'll usually respond with 'what did you just say?' and I'll say 'particularly nice weather'. Next thing I know, were having a conversation. So the shy guy decides to try it and approaches a girl. He leans in and whispers in her ear, "can I stick my thumb in your butt?" She whirls around and yells "What did you just say?" The guy replies, "look at the fucking rain!"
Joke: Trouble in Northern Ireland by Gilga	Jan 29th, 2008 02:27:55 PM
An American tourist goes to Belfast, Northern Ireland at the height of the troubles. One night while touring the city he's suddenly grabbed and dragged into an alley. He then feels the cold steel of a gun pressed against his neck. Above the fear he hears a gruff voice ask him "Hmm, are you a Catholic or a Protestant?" Relief sweeps over him, "Well actually my friend I am a Jew" The gruff voice replies, "Praise be, I must be the luckiest Muslim in all of Belfast !"
Joke by greyspecter	Jan 29th, 2008 02:29:14 PM
Your Mama's soooo fat... When she puts on her little black dress, she looks like OUTER SPACE!
joke by tough_times	Jan 29th, 2008 02:31:08 PM
Guy walks into a bar carrying a chainsaw in one hand and a weed whacker in the other. The bartender turns to him and says, "Don't you start anything in here!"
Couldn't resist by greyspecter	Jan 29th, 2008 02:32:09 PM
Your mama's so fat, when she goes to a all-you-can-eat buffet and looks at the menu she says, "Okay!"
JOKE by michyfergi5	Jan 29th, 2008 02:32:31 PM
A guy is walking home from work. He's tired, but feeling a little horny. As he walks by a homeless guy passed out in an alley, the guy thinks to himself, "You know, that doesn't look half bad." So the guy walks over to the passed out homeless guy, pulls down his pants, and screws him in the ass. Once he's finished, he begins to feel a little guilty, so he takes a $10 out of his wallet and puts it in the homeless guy's pocket. Later that night, the homeless guy wakes up and finds $10 in his pocket. Excited, he goes around the corner to the liquor store and buys the best bottle of wine he can for $10. The next evening, the same horny guy is walking by the passed out homeless guy again and he thinks to himself, "Well, it was pretty good last night..." So he goes on over and has his way with the poor clueless homeless guy again. He leaves him another $10 and takes off. That night the homeless guy wakes up and finds another $10 in his pocket so he goes around the corner and buys the same bottle of wine. This happens about 4 or 5 more times. Each time the man leaves $10, and every time the homeless guy buys the same bottle of wine. Until one night when the homeless guy walks into the liquor store with his $10. When the store clerk sees the homeless guy, he asks him, "You want the same bottle agian?" To which the homeless guy replies, "Nah, better make it something else. That cheap shit is tearing my ass up!"
Joke by Vamp-AICNchat	Jan 29th, 2008 02:38:34 PM
How can you fit Elton John, George Michael, Freddy Mercury and Graham Norton on a stool?........TURN IT UPSIDE DOWN!!
JOKE by fat bears	Jan 29th, 2008 02:39:54 PM
A penguin is driving through the hot Arizona desert when his car breaks down. He manages to get it to a service station. He buys himself an ice-cream bar while he's waiting and when the mechanic finishes looking at his car he waddles over and asks what's wrong. "It looks like you blew a seal" "Hey jerk, you try and eat vanilla ice cream with no thumbs." That's funny. No, it's funny!
Joke by Vamp-AICNchat	Jan 29th, 2008 02:44:13 PM
What's big, orange and got ten pink things hanging out?........HARRY'S ASS WITH MASSAWYRMS FAT LITTLE TOES HANGING OUT OF THEM (I've heard he he's that far up Harry's ass).
Joke by cussond	Jan 29th, 2008 02:45:32 PM
Three quarterbacks, Peyton Manning, Tony Romo and Tom Brady, go to heaven to visit God and watch the Celtics play a game. God decides who will sit next to him by asking the boys a question... God asks Peyton Manning first: "What do you believe?" Peyton thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans." God can't help but see the essential goodness of Manning, and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Tony Romo and says, "What do you believe?" Tony says,"I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields." God is greatly moved by Tony's sincere eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right. Finally, God turns to Tom Brady: "And you, Tom, what do you believe?" Tom replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
Joke by Vamp-AICNchat	Jan 29th, 2008 02:46:11 PM
Harry saying THE HOST was on par with JAWS, JURASSIC PARK 3 the best JURASSIC PARK film and BLADE 2 better than BLADE!! As much as I like the big fella those three statements have me in stitches.
J O K E by Dogma_Jedi	Jan 29th, 2008 02:48:24 PM
So there's this guy. We'll call him Bob. And Bob dies and goes to hell. And he's pretty upset about the whole thing (apparently going to Hell is pretty upsetting). So, while in Hell he is approached by another guy (Steve) serving his time there as well. Steve, noticing that Bob is very upset asks Bob as to the nature of is depression. "I'm in HELL!", Bob says. "This is the worst thing that could ever happen to me." "Well.. it's really not as bad as your thinking it is.", says Steve. Bob: "Not as bad as I'm thinking? Are you crazy?" Steve: "Not at all.. let me ask you something. Do you like to smoke?" B: "Well yeah.... occasionally I like a nice pipe or a good cigar." S: "Well, Monday is SMOKE-DAY. You can smoke anything you want all day long. They will give you whatever you want to smoke" B: "Really? That doesn't sem to bad. I can smoke anything I want to all day long? And they provide it for me?" S: "Yup" B:" Well that pretty cool and all.. but this IS HELL. This is still the worst thing that could ever happen to me." S:"There's more." B:" More?!" S:" Yeah... Do you like to drink at all?" B:" Well... yeah a beer every now and again or a good scotch is always nice." S:"Well.... Tuesday is BOOZE-DAY. The bar is open all day & it's always happy hour, and the drinks are free." B:" WOW... So your sayin that Monday, I can smoke whatever I want. And Tuesday I can drink anthing I want?" S:"Yup" B:"Wow.. that's pretty cool. But this IS HELL... this is still the worst thing that could ever happen to me." S:"I'm not done" B:"There's more?" S:"Yeah.... Did you ever do any drugs?" B:"Well. Yeah I did. Sometimes It was nice to take something and forget about my troubles." S:"Well. Your in luck. Wednesday Is DRUG-DAY. You can have any type of drug you want all day long." B:" Wow. This just blows me away. This certainly isn't what I expected Hell to be like. So your saying that Monday I can smoke whatever I want?" S:"Yup." B"And Tuesday I can drink whatever I want?" S:"Yes." B:"And Wednesday they will give me any type of drug I desire?" S:"Definatly." B"That's simply amazing. But still... this IS HELL.. this is the worst thing that could ever happen to me. But I must admit hearing all this kinda makes living here for eternity a little easier to swallow." S:"Oh bye the way...." B:"Yes." S:"Are you gay?" B:"No." S:"Then man are you going to HATE Thursdays."
Joke by DarthQueefer	Jan 29th, 2008 02:51:31 PM
Hey, know what the useless piece of skin around a vagina is called? A woman !!!! Bwwwahhhh !
JOKE by powercube	Jan 29th, 2008 02:51:41 PM
Harry was at ComicCon when a hot groupie chick recognized him. After a little flirting, she asked Harry to come back to her room with her for a little fun. Once there, she peeled off her panties and laid back while Harry started eating her out. Pretty soon, Harry felt something in his mouth, pulled back, and spit out a single kernel of corn. Strange, but not enough to stop a horny geek, Harry kept right on. Shortly, he felt something else in his mouth and this time spit out a shriveled green pea. Disgusted, but sex starved, Harry decided to give her one more chance. He dove back in to her juicy pussy. Quickly he felt something much larger in his mouth and spit out a whole green bean. Finally, disgusted beyond belief, Harry asked incredulously "Are you sick or something bitch?" To which the groupie replied, "No, but Moriarty was".
Joke by Hispanic at the Disco	Jan 29th, 2008 02:55:35 PM
There’s a guy at a bar. He’s been sitting there all night kicking back beers and shots. Needless to say he is pretty jacked. He takes a look at the clock, and decides it’s time to head home for the night. So he spins himself around on the bar stool and makes his way to the door. But this guy is so drunk he lands face first on the bar room floor. BAM! He looks for the door and sees that it is only about 15 feet away. He knows he can’t walk out, but he thinks to himself “If only I can make it out and get some fresh air maybe I can walk home!” So he starts crawling through the bar infantry style. As he makes it to the door the bewildered bouncer kindly opens the door for him letting him out. As soon as that fresh air hits his face he’s sure he’ll be ok tonight. He crawls his way out the door and beings to prop himself up against the brick wall outside. He takes his first step and…BAM! Falls down but gets a mouthful of sidewalk! He looks down the street and knows his house is only 4 city blocks away. He thinks to himself, “F*ck it, I’ll crawl!” So off he goes, bar crawlers looking confused not sure if they should believe their drunken eyes. He finally makes it home reaches for the doorknob and pushes the door open only to be welcomed by a flight of stairs! He doesn’t even attempt to walk up the stairs opting to crawl instead and avoid any more embarrassment. The next morning his wife walks in with breakfast in bed. He props himself up and says good morning quickly reaching for the coffee. His wife smiles at him and asks, “So hun, you must’ve been pretty drunk last night, huh?” He says, “Umm not really…why?” His wife looks into his eyes and says, “Well the bar called…you forgot your wheelchair!”
clown joke by all about the hamiltons	Jan 29th, 2008 03:01:01 PM
A man goes to the circus while it’s in town, and is having the time of his life watching the show. Towards the end of the show a group of clowns comes out to entertain the crowd. They ask for a member of the audience to participate. The man volunteers and joins the clowns. One of the clown asks, “What do you do for a living?” The man replies, “I play the horse in a parade at the theme park.” The clowns says “That’s fantastic. But tell me, are you the horse’s head or the horse’s ass?” The crowd laughs and jeers, but the man is humiliated. He leaves the circus feeling ashamed and insecure. Later that night he sees an ad on TV for a 6 week course that will teach the ultimate comeback for any insult, and only costs $1500. The man decides to take the course and turn his luck around. After a grueling 6 weeks the man feels confident that the $1500 was well spent learning his new skill. He finds out that due to popular demand the circus is coming back in town. He knows this will be a perfect opportunity to get revenge. He goes to the circus, sits in the exact same seat, and waits. When the clowns come out and ask for a member of the audience, he volunteers. Thinking they have the opportunity to embarrass the man again, the clowns call him down. The same clown asks, “What do you do for a living?” The man replies, “I am the horse in the parade at the theme park.” The clowns says “Brilliant! But tell me, are you the horse’s head or the horse’s ass?” The crowd laughs and jeers the man just as before, but the man stands there confidently with a smirk on his face. When the crowd dies down the man says, “Fuck you clown.”
A pirate walks into a bar... by Flying Spaghetti Monster	Jan 29th, 2008 03:01:55 PM
wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum. The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?" "Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"
What does a Dyslexic Pirate Say? by Flying Spaghetti Monster	Jan 29th, 2008 03:02:35 PM
RRAAAAAAAAAAA!
JOKE by thegreatwhatzit	Jan 29th, 2008 03:05:53 PM
Anything Tom Cruise or Hillary Clinton (Viva Obama!). Wow, this stand-up stuff is exhausting.
Joke by Freakemovie	Jan 29th, 2008 03:06:09 PM
So a guy walks into a bar and he sees another guy sitting there who looks totally normal except for one thing: half of his face is a pig face. So our guy sits down next to him and says, "You know, I hate to pry, but I'll bet you have a great story as to why half of your face looks like a pig." "As a matter of fact, I do," the guy says. "I'm an archaeologist, and I was in Egypt when I dug up a golden lamp. I rub it and a genie comes out and grants me three wishes! So first, I wished for unlimited wealth, and bam, the genie granted it. Whenever I want money it appears in my hand. None of my bank accounts are ever depleted. I'm set for life." "That sounds amazing," our guy says. "But what else did you wish for?" "Well, for my second wish," the guy continues, "I wished for the woman of my dreams -- and she literally appeared out of thin air. The thing is, not only is she beautiful, and not only do we have a dynamite sexual relationship, we also connect on such a deep, spiritual level, that I'm hopelessly in love and I've never been happier." "Wow," our guy says. "So what was your third wish?" "Oh, for my third wish, I wished for half of a pig face."
More Pirates! by Flying Spaghetti Monster	Jan 29th, 2008 03:06:20 PM
A young man is captured by pirates and is persuaded to join the crew rather than walk the plank. After a few weeks at sea the captain speaks to the man and asks him how he is getting on. The man replies that on the whole he is enjoying things - the rum-soaked drinking binges, the plundering, etc - but there was one thing missing. "What's that?" asks the captain. "Well, there are no women" replies the man. "Arrr" says the captain "Follow me!" The man follows the captain to what appears to be a barrel, on top of the barrel stands a coconut with a face drawn on and a few strands of wispy straw for hair. On the barrel is a crude outline of a woman's body and between the legs is a bung hole. "We calls her Carmen," says the captain, "and you may take her as you will". The man explains that he was unlikely to make use of her and goes on his way. However, as the months go by with no respite, Carmen appears more and more attractive to the young man. Finally he can resist her no longer and the man has his wicked way with Carmen the rum barrel. To his amazement the experience is far more satisfying than he could ever have imagined! The next day the captain greets him again. "How did you get on with Carmen then, lad?" he asks eagerly. The man replies "Rather better than I thought... actually, it was rather good!" "Good," says the captain, a great beaming smile splitting his black-bearded face. "It's your turn in the barrel tomorrow!"
What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare? by Flying Spaghetti Monster	Jan 29th, 2008 03:08:01 PM
A sunken chest with no booty!
Joke by JokersNight	Jan 29th, 2008 03:08:45 PM
How do yo get a homosexual to fuck a woman? Take a shit in her cunt.
Joke by seanparrott	Jan 29th, 2008 03:12:03 PM
So: my uncle got colon cancer. He's alright...but now he has a semi-colon. And he does everything half-assed. For more of my hilarious comedy, go to http://www.myspace.com/seanpar rott
It's wrong, but by henrydalton	Jan 29th, 2008 03:15:56 PM
The 'sweets' one made me laugh the most so far.
Joke by kdoc13	Jan 29th, 2008 03:16:40 PM
A frog hops into a bank carrying a small briefcase and sits down in the chair across the desk from Patricia Black and says "I want a loan." She looks at the frog for a moment and says "Well, we typically need some sort of collateral to give a loan." So the frog opens up his little tiny briefcase and pulls out a small saucer and teacup. "Hold on a moment" she says and takes the saucer and teacup to the bank manager. "What do you think? She asks? "It's a knick-nack Patty Black, give the frog a loan!"
Joke by AlansBigPocket	Jan 29th, 2008 03:17:16 PM
This old man and woman live in the same retirement home.They are both really attracted to eachother and decide to sleep with eachother when everyone else is away on aday trip. She tells him that she'll go to her room and freshen up and for him to knock at the door in fifteen minutes or so. He agrees and and fifteen minutes later he's stood outside her door in breathless anticpation. He knocks the door and hears her voice beckoning him inside and so open the door and goes in to find her naked on the bed. "Come over here big boy and give me what i've been waiting for"she says. Well he gets on top of her and starts kissing her all over her face,her neck and her breasts before he finally plunges his face between her legs.Ten seconds later he pops his head up with a wrinkled look of disgust across his face. "What's wrong?"she asks. "I can't do it.Your pussy.It fucking reeks of shit." "Oh sorry"she says"That'll be my arthritis." "Arthritis!"he says"You don't get arthritis down there and even if you did it wouldn't smell like that." "No"She says"It's in my shoulder so I can't wipe my arse properly."
Joke by titanicvolfan	Jan 29th, 2008 03:17:46 PM
The Lone Ranger is captured by bandits and is to be hung the next day at noon. That night Tanto sneaks into the camp and the Lone Ranger whispers something into his ear. Tantop runs off and the next day as the Lone Ranger is about to be hung a hot chick naked on a horse comes riding toward the bandits. The Lone Ranger shakes his head and says "you idiot, I said send the POSSE"!!
joke by ltgalloway	Jan 29th, 2008 03:18:18 PM
Guy with leprosy goes to a prostitute for a good time. She's a little taken aback but she needs the money and says OK. When they finish he turns and says, "Hey thanks that was great! Here's what I owe ya, and keep the tip."
Joke by Eimer	Jan 29th, 2008 03:19:50 PM
Q: What's the soup of the day at a gay chinese restaurant? A: Creme of some young guy.
Fuck you, Gates! Can't you see I'm with a client?! by Julius Dithers	Jan 29th, 2008 03:20:00 PM
You know the set up to this punchline. Now give me the damn prize. ***** sure, bravo, sent your prize by DING-express.
Joke by chacchi	Jan 29th, 2008 03:20:00 PM
What does Michael Jackson like about 8 year old boys? Fucking them in the ass. ***** are you going to sue? DING
throwaway joke by Outlaw	Jan 29th, 2008 03:22:02 PM
Q:What's the difference between a Ferrari and 20 dead babies? A: I don't have a Ferrari in my garage!
And now the Joke I wish I could have entered in this contest. by kdoc13	Jan 29th, 2008 03:23:41 PM
Little Timmy is standing next to the rail of a fence on his farm in Kentucky when he sees a bull hop up on the back of a cow and start going about his business. "Pa, what's them a doing?" Timmy asks. "Son, thems a screwin!" Replies the dad. "What's that?" Timmy asks. "Well son, we're a gonna learn ya something." (Because that's how people talk in Kentucky.) The dad leads the son into the house where Ma is knitting in a rocking chair. "Ma, you run on upstairs, we're a gonna screw!" Says the dad. The woman gives out a cheer, and runs up the stairs ripping her clothes off. Pa takes Timmy upstairs and stations him by the doorway. "Son, first thing you gotta do is get your clothes off." So the dad takes his clothes off. "The next thing you gotta do, you gotta get yourself hard." So the dad reaches down and starts playing with himself. "Finally, ya see that hole between your mama's legs, I'm a gonna go and get it!" The dad jumps into bed and starts going at it with the mom. Timmy's little brother Bubba walks up and asks "Bruther, what's Ma & Pa a doing?" "Well Bubba, I'm a gonna learn you something." Said Timmy (Again, because that's how people in Kentucky actually talk.) "First, you gotta get your clothes off." So timmy takes his clothes off. "Second, you've gotta get yourself hard." So timmy reaches down and get's himself hard. "Now, you see that hole between Pa's legs? I'm a gonna go and get it!"
Joke by tbdeinc	Jan 29th, 2008 03:25:49 PM
I told my wife, that if I did anything different in my life before I met her... I would'a been a huge success, a millionaire and we would never have met....... She responded by telling me, "It's a good thing I was a complete failure."
JOKE by nederlad	Jan 29th, 2008 03:27:00 PM
Q. What's the only time when you can have too much marijuana? A. When the cops are weighing it. ***** the damn truth too
Joke by Ironash	Jan 29th, 2008 03:27:43 PM
What is the number one reason for pedophilia? Sexy Children.
One more for the road. by kdoc13	Jan 29th, 2008 03:30:21 PM
How many Vietnam Vets does it take to change a lightbulb? You wouldn't know! You weren't there man!!!!!
JOKE by Gray_Day	Jan 29th, 2008 03:31:22 PM
A psychology student decides to get a tattoo of a Rorschach ink blot to celebrate her graduation from college. As soon as its finished, she rushes home to surprise her boyfriend. She pulls down her pants and he exclaims, "Why did you get a picture of my mother tattooed on your ass?"
JOKE by Spikes Brain	Jan 29th, 2008 03:38:42 PM
A giraffe walks into a bar and says "Highballs are on me"...
Always enjoyed this one: by DocPazuzu	Jan 29th, 2008 03:46:01 PM
What's this: Cloppity-clop... Cloppity-clop... Cloppity-clop... BANG! Cloppity-clop... BANG! Cloppity-clop... Cloppity-clop... Answer: an Amish drive-by.
IF WE promo WIN DO WE promo HAVE TO PAY TAX promo ON IT? by dr.bulber	Jan 29th, 2008 03:46:08 PM
JOKE.
JOKE by TheGreatDanton	Jan 29th, 2008 03:51:06 PM
What's the difference between OJ Simpson and John Elway? OJ Simpson drove a slow, white Bronco, and John Elway WAS a slow, white Bronco...
JOKE by Son of Hades	Jan 29th, 2008 03:51:25 PM
I called in to work this morning and said I couldn't come in because I was sick. They said "how sick?" I said "well, I've just shagged my sister."
Joke by jarnevic	Jan 29th, 2008 03:53:49 PM
What's the difference between a hooker and an onion? I cry when I cut an onion.
Joke by jarnevic	Jan 29th, 2008 03:54:48 PM
What did the parapalegic blind kid want for Christmas? Cancer.
A bus driver... by DocPazuzu	Jan 29th, 2008 03:55:09 PM
...is driving a bus full of geriatric women on a charter trip. After a couple of hours one of the old women hobbles up to the bus driver and asks him if he wants some peanuts. "Sure, thanks!" he replies, grateful for the rather large bag of peanuts she gives him. After another couple of hours, he finishes the bag, and almost immediately the old woman returns to the front of the bus with another large bag of peanuts and offers them to him. He accepts the bag and asks if she or any of her travel mates would like some of them before she returns to her seat. When she declines, he asks if it's because they don't like peanuts. "Oh, heavens no," she says, "we love them. It's just that they're too hard for us to chew. We're perfectly happy just sucking the chocolate coating off of them."
JOKE by Leopold Scotch	Jan 29th, 2008 03:55:29 PM
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house? It's really nice...
Joke by indianajonas	Jan 29th, 2008 04:06:39 PM
A son wants to get his elderly Jewish father a birthday present. The old man's wife has been dead for many years, so the son decides to get his father a beautiful prostitute. There is a knock at the old Jewish man's door. He opens the door, sees the woman and says, "What?" The prostitute says, "I'm here to give you Super hot sex." The old man pauses for a moment and replies, "I'll have the soup!"
JoKe (the hat winner) by RedHeadedStepChild	Jan 29th, 2008 04:17:22 PM
While taking a bath with my nephew Jacky, the quizzical 8 year old looked at me and asked, "Uncle Ernie, why is your penis bigger than mine." I answered, "Because, Jacky, mine is erect."
JOKE by The Pork-Chop Express	Jan 29th, 2008 04:18:05 PM
What do you call a black man flying an airplane? A: A pilot, ya fucking racist.
Joke by WavingFlagsInSpace	Jan 29th, 2008 04:21:14 PM
A redneck farmer is concerned that none of his sows are getting pregnant so he calls a local vet. The vet checks out the pigs and tells the farmer that he's going to have to try artificial insemination. The farmer scratches his head and then asks, "How will ah know if artfishal semnation gets 'em pregnan?" "Well," replies the vet, "they'll all lie down if they're pregnant." Anways, the next morning the farmer gets up early, rounds the pigs up into his truck and drives them off into the middle of the forest. He then proceeds to screw them senseless before driving them home. The next morning he opens his curtains, hoping to see all his sows lying on the ground but instead they are milling around the farmyard, so he gets them into his truck, drives them into the forest and screws them to within an inch of their lives before driving them back to the farm. This, of course, is taking a toll on the farmer so the next morning he exhaustedly asks his wife to check on the pigs...she opens the curtains. "Are they lyin' down?" begs the farmer, eager for some respite. "No," replies his wife, "they're all sittin' in the back of the truck and one of 'em is tootin' the horn..."
Joke by buffywrestling	Jan 29th, 2008 04:23:48 PM
A duck walks into a bar. He waddles up to the bartender and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The looks confused and says, "No, I don't have any grapes. This is a bar, fer christs sake. Beat it." The next day, the same duck walks into the same bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender grits his teeth. "Look buddy, I told you yesterday: I don't have any. I will NEVER have any. Get lost." Then again the next day, the duck waddles into the bar. The bartender loses it. "You ASSHOLE!! What did I tell you YESTERDAY!! I swear to GOD, if you ask me if I have any godamn grapes, I'm going to NAIL your FUCKING FEET to the GROUND!!" The duck says, "Do you have a hammer?" The bartender says, "No. I don't have a fucking hammer." The duck says, "Do you have any grapes?"
JOKE by BBQGlazedSeabass	Jan 29th, 2008 04:24:50 PM
A small little racist town was infested with pigeons and the mayor had no idea how to rid the town of them. He decided to have a contest where the town would award 1 million dollars to whomever can rid the town of the pigeons. A man walks up with a covered birdcage and offers to do the job. The mayor agrees and off the man goes to the center of town. He pulls the cover off of the birdcage to reveal a pink pigeon. He opens the cage and the pink pigeon flies away along with every last regular pigeon in town! He goes back to the mayor to collect his reward. The mayor gladly gives him his money and then leans over to the man and in a lower voice asks.... "Hey you got any pink Mexicans?"
And another... by WavingFlagsInSpace	Jan 29th, 2008 04:32:11 PM
Jimmy decides to have a fancy-dress party and the theme is 'Emotions'. The event is going swimmingly - lots of girls in saucy red outfits proclaiming to be 'Love', or naughty little green numbers pretending to be 'Envy'. All of a sudden the needle slides off the record and the party is stunned into silence. Everybody, including Jimmy, is staring wide-eyed at two huge West Indian chaps standing in the doorway. Both are completely, magnificently naked but one is jamming his cock into a piece of fruit and the other is resting his equipment in some crockery. "What the fuck is going on?!" yells Jimmy, aghast. "Is dis di fancy-dress party?" asks one of the West Indians. "Yes," bleats Jimmy, "but you're supposed to come as Emotions. E-MO-TIONS!" "We have," replies the second West Indian. "My friend is 'Fuckin' Dis Custard' and I have 'Come In Dis Pear'!!"
Joke by The Dum Guy	Jan 29th, 2008 04:33:31 PM
Q: What do you get when you mix a grizzly bear, a great-white shark, and butch lesbian? A: A bowling ball.
joke by McDee	Jan 29th, 2008 04:40:46 PM
Jimmy and Johnny are brothers who both swear and curse, no matter what their poor mother does to try and get them to stop. She's tried time-outs, bribing them with presents, everything she can think of except hitting them. Finally she's reached her breaking point and decides that the next time they swear, she's just gonna knock the crap out of them. So the next morning, she calls up to them as sweet as can be, "Jimmy, Johnny, time for breakfast!" They race down to the table, and she asks Jimmy, "What would you like for breakfast?" He replies "Gimme some fucking pancakes, bitch!" Without saying a word, she whacks hims accros the head, onto the floor, where he's looking back up, shocked and amazed, starting to cry. Without batting an eye, she turns to Johnny and says very sweetly, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?" Johnny is staring at his brother, wide eyed and says "I sure as hell don't want no fucking pancakes!"
JOKE: Cinderella by MrMxyzptlk	Jan 29th, 2008 04:42:08 PM
Cinderella was excited to go the ball, but she had nothing to wear so her Fairy Godmother waved her wand and suddenly Cinderella was dressed in a beautiful evening gown and sparkling glass slippers. But before she got into the carriage, Fairy Godmother stopped Cinderella and said, "Not so fast. Just in case you get lucky with Prince Charming, you will need this..." And Fairy Godmother picked up a pumpkin, waved her wand and transformed it into a diaphragm. "This is the magic diapphragm," said Fairy Godmother, "It is 100% safe from all STD's, pregnancy and AIDS." "Awesome" says Cinderella and inserts the magic diaphragm. "Now go and have fun, but remember," warned Fairy Godmother, "You MUST be back by MIDNIGHT because when the clock strikes 12 it will turn back into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees and goes off to the ball. Fairy Godmother waits up for her. She starts getting concerned at 11:30, at 11:45 she is worried. At midnight still no sign of Cinderella! 12:30... 1 am... FINALLY at 2am Cinderella returns from the ball. She is tipsy. Her dress is askew and her shoes are missing. She has clearly had a wild time. Fairy Godmother is PISSED! "Where have you been CInderella?! What did I tell you!?" Cinderella apologizes profusely and explains. "I am so sorry, Fairy Godmother, but I got to the ball and Prince Charming turned out to be a dud. I was so depressed that I started drinking and got really wasted." "But I told you that at midnight everything would turn into a pumpkin!" said Fairy Godmother. "Yes," said Cinderella, "I know, but I was so upset about not meeting anyone that I got totally drunk. And then just before midnight I met this great guy... I can't remember his name, but it was something like... 'Peter, Peter..."
Joke by theconstellation	Jan 29th, 2008 04:43:09 PM
Q: What's short, brown, and sticky? A: A stick.
Gyped? by theconstellation	Jan 29th, 2008 04:47:33 PM
Sunuvabitch. Someone posted my joke 3 minutes before me...
Joke by theconstellation	Jan 29th, 2008 04:49:06 PM
Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Three. One to screw it in, and two to write a song about it.
mode_7 by The Dum Guy	Jan 29th, 2008 04:54:33 PM
No, the combination of such forces (beings) causes the density of the amalgamation to radically change the chemical and biological construct, thus causing the inertia needed to keep the objects density equal to it's mass to equal almost less than zero (which every theoranatician knows is part of the 'Chaos Theory' conundrum), thus causing such being (object) to radically change composition into a spherical shape... I dunno, its a non-sequitar.
JOKE by onefatman	Jan 29th, 2008 04:55:02 PM
Q: What's the worst thing about being a paedophile? A: Having to go to bed at 5:30
Joke. by Knuckleduster	Jan 29th, 2008 04:56:03 PM
Why did the feminist cross the road? ...To suck my dick.
LOL Lavalizard! by buffywrestling	Jan 29th, 2008 04:57:44 PM
I posted the same joke before reading - great minds!
Joke by phool2056	Jan 29th, 2008 04:59:41 PM
How do you drown a blonde? Hold her head underwater until she stops moving.
WOW THE OVERWHELMING MAJORITY OF THESE by Deus Vult	Jan 29th, 2008 05:04:32 PM
ARE TERRIBLE! and for once I actually feel bad for the aicn staff member that's got to read every post. normally I like knowing they're miserable but sarah michelle gellar just about every single one of 'em is awful. with that said what is with the pedophile jokes? talk about unfunny. also, don't you posters read the rules for the contests? or are you too busy fucking nine year olds?
Joke by generasputinhole	Jan 29th, 2008 05:04:52 PM
a college football coach was giving some wealthy patrons of the school a tour of the athletic department. One of the visitors noticed a layer of newspapers on the floor outside the locker-room showers. When the visitor asked the coach to explain why they were there, the coach pointed to them and said, "These are the Times that Dry Men's Soles."
Joke by Acappellaman	Jan 29th, 2008 05:07:54 PM
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze! "Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate. "First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so. Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties. A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate sloops! "Captain, captain, what should we do?" "First mate, bring me my red shirt!" The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt. "It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear." A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were approaching! "Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?" The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker. Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "First mate.... bring me my brown pants!"
JOke by stoops	Jan 29th, 2008 05:09:17 PM
how does a mexican cut a pizza? with little ceasar's
Joke by shugler	Jan 29th, 2008 05:11:19 PM
Want to hear a dirty joke? A kid falls in the mud. Want to hear a clean joke? The kid takes a bath with bubbles. Want to hear another dirty joke? Bubbles is Michael Jackson's monkey.
Joke by stoops	Jan 29th, 2008 05:16:00 PM
what's a lesbian's favorite tv program? the dyke van dick show.
Joke by landminespring	Jan 29th, 2008 05:27:37 PM
An old man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor says "I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers." The man says "Thank God I don't have cancer."
joke by surfsup22	Jan 29th, 2008 05:31:29 PM
Did you hear that the NAACP staged a mock funeral to bury the "N" word? They used a spade to dig the hole.
a little political humor by greyspecter	Jan 29th, 2008 05:32:47 PM
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "Not Bush for President" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly bear. As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the third tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true." As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?" "It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom." "Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure don't know anything about bear hunting! Is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?
Joke by buffywrestling	Jan 29th, 2008 05:36:01 PM
The new intern is making his rounds in the hospital for the mentally insane. He passes one door and sees a man with his hands folded together in front of him, swinging his hips. The interns asks, "Do you think you'll be out of here soon?" "As soon as I make this putt", the man replies. He goes on to the next doorway and sees a man with his arms hefted to one shoulder, feet braced apart. "Do you think you'll be out of here soon?" he asks. "Yes, just as soon as I hit this home run." the paitent replies. He moves on to the next doorway and sees a man sitiing in the corner, shoving a peanut into the end of his dick. "And when do you think you'll be getting released, " he asks the man. "Released?," the man says, "I'm fucking nuts!" (that was for my "copying". I hope I didn't do it again!)Y
Joke by theBigE	Jan 29th, 2008 05:39:26 PM
What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
The winning Joke by Rawhide	Jan 29th, 2008 05:39:42 PM
Somebody is calling 911. On the end of the line somebody is screaming. "Help, I shot my friend! It was an accident, I was out hunting with him and some buddies!" The lady at 911 tells him to calm down. The man is going crazy. He's screaming. The lady says "OK, sir. You must calm down, is your friend dead or alive? Can you tell if he's breathing or not?" The man replies with "I'm not sure, hold on" The 911 lady hears clearly how he puts down the cellphone on the ground. A few seconds later. She hears a shot. "I'm pretty sure now, yeee, he's dead alright, his chest was moving a bit before that last bullet. But not anymore"
Joke by thefutureoffilm	Jan 29th, 2008 05:39:52 PM
A white guy, a black guy, and a mexican guy sitting at the top of a building under construction eating their lunch. The white guy opens up his lunch and finds a ham sandwich with mayo on white bread. "Damnit" he says, "Everyday it's the same, a ham sandwich with mayo on white bread. If I get this tomorrow, I'm jumping off the building." The black guy opens up his lunch, it's fried chicken and greens. "Shit." says the black guy, "Everyday it's the damn chicken, if I get it tomorrow, I'm jumping off too." The mexican guy opens up his lunch, it's a bean taco. "Arg, it's always a bean taco. Everyday a bean taco. If I get one tomorrow, I'm jumping off the building." So the next day, the white guy opens up his lunch. Sure enough, it's a ham sandwich. The white guy drops the sandwich and jumps off the building to his death. The black guy opens up his lunch, fried chicken with greens. He jumps off. The mexican guy opens up his lunch, a sure enough, it's a bean taco. He jumps off. At the funeral, all three wives stand together talking. The white wife says "If he wanted something else, he could have told me, I would have made it." The black wife says "I know, all he had to do was speak up. I would have made whatever he wanted." The mexican wife shrugs her shoulders, "Well, I don't know what to say, he made his own lunches."
Joke by heyscot	Jan 29th, 2008 05:53:45 PM
Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!"
JOKE by TheBigLebowsky	Jan 29th, 2008 05:55:37 PM
What was Captain Hook's name before his accident? -Captain Hand.
joke by BobWalnut	Jan 29th, 2008 06:03:33 PM
What's got three legs and lives on a farm? Paul MaCartney and Heather... Oh, wait a second...
Joke by Notyouraveragefanboy	Jan 29th, 2008 06:15:38 PM
The other day I looked up the word hypocrite in the dictionary. It was a candid revelation for me, because I can't stand people who look up definitions.
JOKE by palimpsest	Jan 29th, 2008 06:19:31 PM
An Iraqi guy rings up the Samaritans. they put him through to their Baghdad call centre. "I'm so depressed," he says "I think I may be suicidal". "Oh," says the call centre helper, then asks "Can you drive a truck?".
Joke by henrydalton	Jan 29th, 2008 06:23:55 PM
Q. What's grey, sits at the end of the bed and takes the piss out of you? _________ A. A kidney dialysis machine.
by BobWalnut	Jan 29th, 2008 06:24:08 PM
Guy about to get married. Wondering if he's doing the right thing. Goes in to a bar on his own one night. Amazing piano player twinkling the ivories doing original instrumental stuff - guy loves it so much he goes over and asks what the tune just played is called. "Your Shaven Cunt, Wet And Dripping Through Your White, Cotton Panties" he's told. Thinks - odd, but what the hell. Pianist plays another - beautiful composition; "Your Puckered Ass, Red Raw And Seeping In The Twighlight" is the title this time. Guy is blown away, and hires the man to play at the wedding, he's so impressed - but tells him not to name the songs for anyone. Cut to wedding day. Everyone loving the music, huge hit, man and wife completely happy and all going well. Our pianist hasn't had any for a while, and as the day goes on is quite tempted by some of the bridesmaids, but can't make a move as he's on a paying job. Nips to the toilet and whilst there can't help himself having one-off-the-wrist, a crafty wank. Just as he's spuffing, he hears the husband back in the hall demanding to know where the player is and he quickly runs out to get back to his piano. On his way he passes a female guest who sees the state he's in and asks, "Hey, do you know your dick is hanging out and there's cum dripping down your trousers?" The pianist replies, "Know it? I fucking WROTE IT!"
Joke by LeSange	Jan 29th, 2008 06:43:25 PM
Q. Whats the difference between period blood and a brick? A. You cant gargle a brick.
JOKE by Mordru	Jan 29th, 2008 06:45:26 PM
Q: Whats four feet tall and sucks my dick? A: My son.
JOKE by RyanMurray	Jan 29th, 2008 06:50:21 PM
What's the worst thing a grandparent wants to hear from their grandchild? "Sometimes Daddy gets so drunk, Mommy falls down the stairs!"
shifty eyes by RyanMurray	Jan 29th, 2008 06:51:53 PM
:)
JOKE by Campfiresongs	Jan 29th, 2008 06:52:47 PM
Q: How did the music teacher punish the student who tried to play all the instruments at once? A: He was band. Admit it, its hilarous
JOKE: Wesley Snipes by thegreatwhatzit	Jan 29th, 2008 06:53:00 PM
Punch line: his "career".
>> by BobWalnut	Jan 29th, 2008 06:53:23 PM
What's the difference betwixt an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg...
joke by NerdHooligan	Jan 29th, 2008 07:03:09 PM
The guy who invented Coles Notes was being interviewed for a literary magazine. The interviewer asks him, "So how did come up with the idea for coles notes?" The inventor replied, "Well, to make a long story short..." HA
JOKE by Mr. Nice Gaius	Jan 29th, 2008 07:11:24 PM
A guy walks into a bar and says, "DID SOMEBODY SAY CTHULHU?" The bar tender says, "HELL YEAH!" C, c, c, c T, t, t, t H, h, h, h U, u, u, u L, l, l, l H, h, h, h U, u, u, u CTHULHU!!! We can dance like Cthulhu We can answer to his call Watch him kick Lady Liberty's head down the road like a soccer ball Say, we can dance like Cthulhu Live it up while the livin's good Cause once he awakens, the world starts shakin' and there goes the neighborhood Say, we can dance, we can dance Great Old Ones are in control We can dance, we can dance Hear them callin' the call We can dance, we can dance Terror makes you go in a trance We can dance, we can dance Everybody's shitting their p-a-a-nts The Cthulhu Dance The Cthulhu Dance The Cthulhu Dance YEAH! IT'S THE CTHULHU DANCE!!!
jOKE by Dwarves	Jan 29th, 2008 07:17:18 PM
Whats the worst part about eating a vegetable? Putting them back in the wheelchair.
Joke by ZebraKiller	Jan 29th, 2008 07:21:18 PM
What do you say to a black jew?............. Get in the back of the oven!
Joke by Turtlepride	Jan 29th, 2008 07:22:15 PM
How long did it take Vince Vaughn's mom to give birth . . . . . . . . . . . . 9 Months
Joke by Delroy Lindos Panties	Jan 29th, 2008 07:25:20 PM
A wealthy man decided to go on safari in Africa. Instead of leaving him with a petsitter, the man took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund was chasing butterflies and before long discovered that he was lost. After wandering for a bit, the dachshund noticed a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thought, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching leopard. Just as the leopard was about to leap, the dachshund exclaimed loudly, "Boy, that was a delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halted his attack in mid-stride and slunk away into the trees. "Whew," thought the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off goes the monkey. The monkey soon caught up with the leopard, spilled the beans and struck a deal with the leopard. The leopard was furious at being fooled and said, "Hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving little canine." The dachshund saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thought, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog crouched down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hadn't seen them yet. Just when they got close enough to hear him, the dachshund said, "Where's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
JOKE by Chingachgook	Jan 29th, 2008 07:26:02 PM
Harry the Eskimo is out hunting in his snowmobile when it starts to spew dark smoke. Alarmed, he rides it into the local village repair shop. "No problem", the owner says, "Go grab a bite of lunch and I'll check it out." After lunch, Harry returns to the repair shop and the owner says, "Well Harry, it looks like you blew a seal." Harry blushes, wipes the corner of his mouth and says, "Oh, that's just mayonnaise from my sandwich."
Joke by Alan Scott	Jan 29th, 2008 07:35:24 PM
A farmer buys a prize bull from Ireland. When it arrives, it has crossed eyes. So he calls the vet. When the vet shows, he gets a three foot length of hose, puts it in the bulls ass and starts blowing. He blows really hard, for a long time. He asks the farmer "are they uncrossed?" The farmer tells him they aren't so the vet asks the farmer to come around and try for a bit. The farmer goes back, takes out the hose and turns it around, placing the other end back up the bull. Right before he can start to blow, the vet stops him. "Are you crazy?" The farmer looks at the vet in disbelief. "I don't want your germs"
Joke by drowningpigeon	Jan 29th, 2008 07:35:41 PM
2 gay guys are doing it in the shower and the phone rings, so the first guy goes to answer the phone and when he leaves he tells the other guy not to cum with out him, when the other guy gets back theres white stuff all over the walls and the first guy says i told you not to cum without me and then the other guy says i didn't i farted.
“Political Correctness is the death of humor.” – Mel Brooks. by Evil Chicken	Jan 29th, 2008 07:42:54 PM
Tony the janitor is moping up the sanctuary when all of the sudden from out of the confessional booth the Father sticks his head out of the back door. “PSSSST! Tony!” the Father says. Tony shuffles over to the confessional bother, “Yes, Father?” “Tony… Last night at the Mexican Cultural Celebration I ate far too much spicy chili and;” the old priest grabbed his lower abdomen. “I’ve got to use the bathroom.” Tony, after assessing the Father’s words asks, “How can I help?” “Tony – AAAHHHHHHHHHH!” the Father grabbed his abdomen tighter. “I need you to come into the booth and listen to the confessions.” “FATHER! I can’t do that. It’s… it’s not right.” He said. He meant it too. “Tony, listen, it’s simple. I’ve even got a cheat sheet here. All you have to do is listen to what they have to say go down the list and read off the penitence.” “Really?” “Really. AAAHHHHHH!” “Oh… all right.” Tony said and no sooner had the words left his mouth than the Father lifted his robes and ran out the cloisters towards the nearest lavatory. ‘How hard could this be?’ Tony thought to himself as he closed the door behind him. A moment passes and a man enters the confessional. “Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I have lied to my wife.” The man said. Tony looks immediately to the list in front of him, traces his finger down to the letter “L” for lie and reads off the penitence. “My son,” he began, “That’ll be 5 hail Mary’s and 8 our Father’s”. With that the man leaves. ‘Not too bad.’ Tony thinks to himself. And so it went, people would confess their sins and Tony would read off their penance. This went on for some time until a man came into the confessional. “Forgive me Father for I have sinned.” The man said. “Well, my son, you’ve come to the right place.” Tony said wondering where the good Father may be. “I’ve had anal sex.” The man said. “I see… just a minute…” Tony said as he frantically searched for anal sex on the list of sins that the Father had prepared. It was not there. “Be still, my son.” Tony said to the man in the booth and a moment later he stuck his head out the back of the confessional in a vain attempt at finding the Father. There was no one but an Alter Boy toiling up in the front of the sanctuary. “PSSSST! You there!” Tony whispered. The Alter Boy dutifully shuffled over towards the confessional. “What does the Father give for anal sex?” “Milk and cookies.”
Joke by ColdBlooded BMC	Jan 29th, 2008 07:45:49 PM
What's the first thing you do when you are finished raping a deaf woman? Break her fucking hands so she can't tell anyone.
Joke by DieGlazerDie	Jan 29th, 2008 07:52:35 PM
Why I fired my secretary: Last year, on my birthday, I didn't feel very well as I woke up in the morning. I went downstairs hoping the Mrs would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday" and have a present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday". I thought...well that's marriage for you. The kids should remember. My kids came down for breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I was feeling pretty low and a bit despondent. As I walked into the office, my secretary said, "Good morning boss, happy birthday!" It felt a bit better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock and Julia knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day and it's your birthday...let's go out for lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Julia, that's the best thing that's happened all day. Come on." Off we went. We didn't go where we would normally have lunch. Instead, we went to a little place and sat at a private table. We had a couple of drinks each and I enjoyed the meal. On the way back to the office Julia said, "It's such a beautiful day, we're caught up with our work...we don't really need to go back to the office, do we?" I replied, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" "Let's go to my apartment," she replied. After arriving at her apartment, Julia turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. Make yourself comfortable and I'll be right back." "OK," I replied nervously. She went into the bedroom and, after a few minutes, emerged carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, kids and many of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday." And I just sat there... On the sofa... Naked.
JOKE by thelordofhell	Jan 29th, 2008 08:01:35 PM
What's a Joke? It's Heath Ledgers' unfinished part in "The Dark Night".
JOKE by Cracksmith	Jan 29th, 2008 08:01:48 PM
Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes? A: FSH
by thelordofhell	Jan 29th, 2008 08:03:14 PM
Knight
Joke by hamslime	Jan 29th, 2008 08:05:06 PM
I saw Darryl Hall the other day. He was pretty sick. I saw him in the bathroom blowin' Oates.
Joke by Shoun	Jan 29th, 2008 08:07:37 PM
For the sake of brevity: How do you get a Nun pregnant? YOU FUCK HER!
anchorite by The Dum Guy	Jan 29th, 2008 08:07:54 PM
That maybe the joke, but this election maybe the punch-line.
What's the best thing you can say about a 12 year old in a showe by Proman1984	Jan 29th, 2008 08:09:01 PM
If you pat her hair back she looks like a 9 year old.
Two Hydrogen atoms are talking... by SkinJob69	Jan 29th, 2008 08:14:01 PM
and the first one says, "I'm totally freaking out here, I think I lost my electron!" The second atom asks, "Are you sure?" And the first atom says, "I'm POSITIVE!"
Joke by hamslime	Jan 29th, 2008 08:15:28 PM
I saw Darryl Hall the other day. He was pretty sick. I saw him in the bathroom blowin' Oates.
THANKS MODE_7 AND THE BIG E IS ACTUALLY FUNNY by Deus Vult	Jan 29th, 2008 08:20:15 PM
okay so seriously I don't want to piss on anyone campfire as mode_7 said but hey seriously the ped jokes are the worst. 12 years are not even close to being funny. however slutty 17 year old girls ARE really funny, especially when they're trying to make daddy angry by fucking lots of 32 year old pervs. on another note, ANCHORITE you hit it out of the park with the election joke but harry hates you for hating clinton so forget it. now TheBigE's joke was actually REALLY REALLY hilarious. I say winner!
Joke by Proman1984	Jan 29th, 2008 08:24:35 PM
Q: Who won in the joke contest? A: Vince Vaughn. If there's worse joke out there I'd like to see it.
Joke by colmanbela	Jan 29th, 2008 08:31:27 PM
How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler.
Joke by songfighter	Jan 29th, 2008 08:44:57 PM
Three Labrador retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one black -- were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why the fucking hell are you here" The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything." The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what a re they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you at the vet's office?" "I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away." The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?" "No," said the black lab, "I'm here to get my nails clipped."
Joke by StoicRomance	Jan 29th, 2008 08:54:41 PM
A primate is a mathematical fallacy.
i am offended by some of these by Spoiler_Man	Jan 29th, 2008 09:03:26 PM
there are far too many peodophile jokes in this thread. it makes me wonder what kind of people read this site.
Joke by SkinJob69	Jan 29th, 2008 09:04:27 PM
Two Hydrogen atoms are talking and the first one says, "I'm totally freaking out here, I think I lost my electron!" The second atom asks, "Are you sure?" And the first atom says, "I'm POSITIVE!"
JOKE by El_Robbo	Jan 29th, 2008 09:06:36 PM
I started taking Human Growth Hormone. I won't tell you where I injected it, but I went to a baseball game with an erection last week and hit one out of the ballpark.
JOKE by mukhtabi	Jan 29th, 2008 09:11:01 PM
A Priest and a Rabbi buy an RV for their congregations to share. They promise to keep it 'unaffiliated'. Late one night the Priest walks up and sprinkles water in the sign of the cross on the RV. Even later that same night the Rabbi sneaks up behind the RV and snips the foreskin off its exhaust.
Vince Vaughn : the guy makes me wretch by livingwater	Jan 29th, 2008 09:11:53 PM
unfunny, dull, bloated, egotistical, self promoting, faked a relationship with Aniston, in the closet etc....
Joke by Jackie Boy	Jan 29th, 2008 09:13:36 PM
So a guy walks into a library and asks the teller if they have any books on suicide. She tells him she doesn't know; he should look in the 'S' section while she checks the catalog. So the guy looks, sees no books on suicide, and goes back to the teller. "Listen, lady," he tells her. "I didn't see any books on suicide. I mean this is a pretty big library, you mean to tell me you have no books on the subject?" 'Well, sir, the catalog says we have plenty of books on suicide. The people just never bring them back.'
How many Vince Vaughns does it take to screw in a light bulb? by CrimsonJihad	Jan 29th, 2008 09:17:28 PM
Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to suck my dick.
Joke by Jackie Boy	Jan 29th, 2008 09:20:07 PM
A mafia boss hires a deaf man as an accountant; he can't hear anything that could indict the boss. All's going well until the boss realizes there's $5 million missing. Furious, he brings in guy who knows sign language to talk to the accountant. 'Make him tell me where my $5 million is,' says the boss. The man signs it to the accountant who signs back playing dumb. The boss rips out a .45 and says 'Tell this motherfucker if he doesn't say where my money is, I'll blow his fucking brains out!' The man signs this o the accountant who signs "Okay, okay! I buried it in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" 'Well,' asks the boss, 'What did he say?' "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Joke by heavenlykid	Jan 29th, 2008 09:22:11 PM
Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a Light Bulb? A: Fifty, one to do it and forty nine to say "I could have done that better."
JOKE by MaddCapp	Jan 29th, 2008 09:26:25 PM
What do barbed wire and a thong have in common? They both protect the property without blocking the view.
JOKE by PHATBARSTEWARD	Jan 29th, 2008 09:30:08 PM
Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella? Fer Drizzle!
joke by tbransonlives	Jan 29th, 2008 09:55:19 PM
Q: How is arguing online like competing in the special olympics? A: No matter who wins they're still retarded.
Joke by OregonTail	Jan 29th, 2008 10:06:26 PM
Q. What's the difference between a black man and a large pizza? A. A pizza can feed a family of four.
JOKE by Drexyl	Jan 29th, 2008 10:15:28 PM
Two priests, Father O'Maley and Father Flanigan, are out fishing, killing time before the Pope arrives for dinner tonight at the church. Father O'Maley strugles with a bite and after a while, brings in the biggest fish he's ever seen. Father Flannigan says to him, "Father O'Maley, do you know what you've got there? That there is the biggest sonofabitch I've ever seen! Father O'Maley says, "Father Flannigan, you shouldn't say that. "No, no. It's alright. It's a sonofabitch, that's the type of fish you've just caught. Say, the Pope is coming to dinner, how grand it would be to present this sonofabitch as the main feast tonight! So the Fathers take the fish back to Sister Theresa and Father Flannigan says, "Sister Theresa, look at the sonofabitch that Father O'Maley caught. She says, Father O'Maley, you can't call a fish that. No, no Sister, that's the name of the fish. We've got a great idea. What do you say you take the sonofabitch back to the kitchen and cooked and ready for the feast tonight for the Pope. Sister Theresa says,"I'll take the fish Fathers." So, Sister Theresa brings the sonofabitch back to Sister Mary and tells her the story. The sisters clean and ready the fish for dinner and serve it as the main feast. At the end of dinner, the Pope says to the Father's, "What a great meal". Father Flannigan leans across the table to the Pope and says,"Pope, that there was the biggest sonofabitch any of us here had ever seen. Father O'Maley and I caught that sonofabitch. We brought the sonofabitch back here to Sister Theresa and she took the sonofabitch to Sister Mary. The sisters worked hard to get that sonofabitch ready for this grand feast before you". The Pope looks around the table slightly stunned, calmly removes his hat and sets it aside, reaches into his robe, pulls out a cigar, leans back and says, "You mother fucker's are all right!"
SPOILER MAN IS RIGHT BUT I'M MORE SCARED by Deus Vult	Jan 29th, 2008 10:33:29 PM
than I am offended. for what its worth the vast majority of ped jokes seem to be coming from posters I'm not used to seeing in the talkbacks, which is a good thing. if I was harry or mori or harry's lawyer I'd IMMEDIATELY start deleting any posts that have to do with peds for legal reasons considering this is connected to vince's movie. also if anyone has any sense they'd call steadfast networks and have them delete the cached files and data backup tapes at their hosting center. on a related note harry you better the feds aren't monitoring your site because if so boy are you fucked. these insane ped jokes are gonna ping you on the fbi's list for sure. forget your fanciful austin liberal/utopian ways, its this ped shit that's gonna get you in trouble.
joke by jtmetcalfe	Jan 29th, 2008 10:41:49 PM
My buddy bought a new pill that makes it easier for him to have sex with his wife. I usually just use rohypnol.
Deus Vult Calm Down and Get a Sense of Humor by Proman1984	Jan 29th, 2008 10:42:09 PM
There's absolutely nothing wrong a with pedo joke as long as it's funney? People make jokes about other crimes too (and far worse things) so why should this be any different? Sorry to blow your mind there but just because you crack a joke doesn't make you a perv. And, finally, this fucking AICN? What the fuck did you expect?
Joke by KrellGod	Jan 29th, 2008 10:42:36 PM
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Houston, Texas, while awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian passing through from Dallas. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Houston for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Texas A & M from the Middle East. The discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes. Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and says softly, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few." The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward. "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are MANY. Why do you suppose that is?" The Texas cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."
Joke by Womb2dooM	Jan 29th, 2008 10:51:00 PM
Vince Vaughn is walking in a field and he comes across a windmill. The windmill sees Vince and screams, "Oh my God - you're Vince Vaughn! I'm a big fan!" really worked the punchline on that one... DING
Joke by Series7	Jan 29th, 2008 10:53:00 PM
So a little boy stumbles into a man sitting on a park bench and says "Please, sir my parents just died in a car wreck and I was thrown from the car down a hill and rolled over my dog killing him and my sister is in the hospital with a deadly disease. Can you help me?" The man just looks at the kid, unzips his pants and says, "Well kid I guess it ain't your lucky day." pedophilia isn't really funny, do you happen to have a monkey named bubbles? DING
Joke by Series7	Jan 29th, 2008 10:59:00 PM
Deus Vult for using pics of Lisa Schwarzbaum as a masturbation source, Juno loving fag. And for trying to say CALL your lawyers? Go fuck a baby and grow a pair. wow... um... DING
JOKE by weedburglar	Jan 29th, 2008 11:03:00 PM
A girl walks into a bar and takes a seat. A man comes up and sits down next to her. He asks,"Hey baby, how'd you like to play with my nuts?" "Get away from me creep," she says The man continues, "Wait, wait. How about I rub your nipples till they get HARD?" Very offended, she says, "Jerk! Leave me alone or I'm going to get my boyfriend up here to kick your ass! Now fuck off!" Without hesitation the man replies, "Well if that doesn't turn you on maybe this will. I want to pour beer in your pussy and drink it out!" Shocked, Sally slaps the man and yells, "YOU A-HOLE! I warned you. Now I'm going home to get my boyfriend and he's gonna come up here and beat the shit out of you." She leaves quickly. When she gets home she walks through the door and sees her man on the couch watching football. "VERN," she shouts, "A guy just came up to me in the bar and asked me to play with his nuts......and he said he wanted to make my nipples hard." Enraged, Vern leaps off the couch. He grabs his jacket and says, "I'm gonna go up there and teach that guy a painful lesson." As he is heading out the door she stops him and says, "Wait there's more. He also said he was gonna pour beer in my vagina and drink it out." Vern pauses a moment, then turns around and goes back to the game. Furious, the girls asks, "What are you doing? Aren't you going to go up there and kill that guy? Aren't you going to defend my honor?" Calmly the boyfriend looks up at her and says, "I'm not fucking with anyone who can drink that much beer." DING
Joke by Series7	Jan 29th, 2008 11:03:10 PM
The American movie going public. This Weekend's #1 Film: Meet the Spartans $18.7 million.
LOL @ Womb2dooM's joke by Proman1984	Jan 29th, 2008 11:04:05 PM
It's was stupid but I laughed.
JOKE by NoahTall	Jan 29th, 2008 11:05:00 PM
A baby seal walks into a club. ...and... DING
Joke by Series7	Jan 29th, 2008 11:11:00 PM
The idea that anyone wants to see this film? This looks like a best of Comics Unleashed, they probably just digitally put Norman Bates in the movie because no one outside of AFRTS viewers know who Byron 'The Pedophile' Allen is. "COMING UP NEXT!" actually a good flick (badly marketed,) but ignorance is warm blanket for you. you should start a site where you review movies you haven't seen. I see failure in your future. good luck with that. are you a stock broker... or just hoping to be? "series7" reference.
JOKE: Helen Keller by midknightmason	Jan 29th, 2008 11:43:00 PM
Q: How do you surprise Helen Keller? A: Stick a plunger in the toilet. eh... DING
Joke by doobus	Jan 29th, 2008 11:44:00 PM
A business man walks into a sex shop, the owner asks what he needs. The man replies I need something to keep my flirtatious wife busy for a week. The owner beckons him to the back of the shop and pulls out a box with odd carvings. He opens it to reveal a regular looking dildo. The business man laughs and says, "That's just a regular looking dildo." The owner shakes his head and says, "Magic dildo, the door!" The dildo rose into the air and darted for the door knob, it fucked it with such vigor the door started to crack. "Magic dildo, back in the box!" The business man was impressed with the spectacle and bought it on the spot. At home the man explained to his wife if she got horny all she had to do was say magic dildo, my pussy. The husband leaves for his business trip, and within an hour the wife gets extremely horny, she contemplates who to call, but remembers the dildo her husband bought her. "Magic dildo, my pussy" says the wife. The dildo rose and darted for her pussy, it was an experience unlike anything she has ever experienced. After 3 orgasms she was satisfied. She tried to pull the dildo out but it kept fucking her. Her husband forgot to tell her how to stop it. Panicked, she put on her clothes and headed for the hospital. With each thrust she swerved. A cop notices her wild driving and pulls her over. The cop walks up to her and asks for her license and how much she had to drink, the woman moans and gasps as she tries to explain that she has a magic dildo fucking her and she needs to get to the hospital. The officer looked at her for a second, and said, "Yeah right!... Magic dildo my ass!" brevity... DING
Joke by machosancho	Jan 29th, 2008 11:50:00 PM
Three nuns are sitting on a park bench when a flasher comes by and flashes them. Two of the nuns end up having a stroke, but the third doesn't have long enough arms. nope... DING
What's not nearly as funny as it thinks it is? by JackIsLost	Jan 29th, 2008 11:53:00 PM
Vince Vaughn. JackIsLost tried and failed... clever, but not really... DING
JOKE (long and gross) by Fish Tank	Jan 29th, 2008 11:58:00 PM
Mister Finch, the Funeral Director, was working an unusually late night at the morgue, when Billy Riggs, one of the morticians came barging through his office door. He was wearing a rubber apron and gloves, and was sweating profusely. "Mister Finch!", he screamed "You have to come see what somebody did to ohmygodIcan'tbeliveit... ack...hunh.." "Calm down Billy", repled Mister Finch getting up from behind his desk,"Tell me what the problem is." Winded and obviously disturbed by something, Billy takes a few moments to compose himself. "It's Mrs. McTavish! Somebody... somebody... oh God why would they DO that?" Frustrated himself that he wasn't getting an answer, Mister Finch walked with Billy to the embalming room, where the 80-year-old Mrs. McTavish lay naked on one of the prep tables. "It's... it's... buh... buh... between her legs stammered Billy, holding his head and rocking. Mister Finch took a good long look at the cold corpse, but couldn't see anything unusual. "WHAT is the problem here Billy? There's nothing wrong that I can see." Now crying, Billy sobbed out an answer. "Somebody... sniff... put a shrim... sniff... a SHRIMP in between her legs." Mister Finch looked closer, and then rolled his eyes at Billy. "For God's sake Billy, that's not a shrimp, that's her clitoris!" Wiping tears from his eyes, Billy said "Oh... it' not? It tasted like shrimp." hmmmm... vaguely familiar... DING
Laffy Taffy Joke: by Gatsbys West Egg Omlet	Jan 30th, 2008 12:01:00 AM
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was dead. lazy... DING
Joke by lackofhumor	Jan 30th, 2008 12:09:00 AM
I was in England a few summers ago during the World Cup. Unfortunately, I'm not a sports fan and had to pretend like I understood soccer. People would say, "Hey, who do you want to win the cup? Who do you want to win the cup?" I was like, "Oh, man, I dunno... Gryffindor?" even when I say it out loud, it isn't really funny. I'm sure JK will ask you for a date though. DING
Joke (probably too long) by systemsbroom	Jan 30th, 2008 12:14:00 AM
Two men are drinking in the bar on the 40th floor of a skyscraper downtown. The first turns the second and explains that the number of tall buildings in the city has made for unbelievable updrafts, such that if one were to jump out of the 40th floor window of this very building, the updraft would catch you and send you safely in through the mezzanine on the 10th floor. The second man is skeptical, and so the first man offers to demonstrate. He jumps out the window, plummets past the 40th floor, past the 30th floor, past the 20th floor, but then the wind catches him and tosses him safely in through the 10th floor mezzanine. After the first man takes the elevator back up to the 40th floor bar, the second man is astounded, but insists it's a fluke. The first man insists it's not, that it works every time, and throws himself out the window again, to prove the point. The first man again plummets past the 40th floor, past the 30th floor, past the 20th floor, but then the wind catches him and tosses him safely in through the 10th floor mezzanine. Back in the bar, the second man is amazed. The first man suggests that the second man try it himself, and he does. The second man jumps out the window, and plummets past the 40th floor, past the 30th floor, past the 20th floor, past the 10th floor, before slamming into the ground with a horrifying wet thud. Back in the bar, the bartender turns to the first man, and says "You know, you're a real asshole when you're drunk, Superman." I'll put that in the running, potential winner
Haha the Helen Keller jokes by FlyinHawaiian	Jan 30th, 2008 12:16:00 AM
What did Helen Keller name her dog? A: hUHYGDTygvfg8rwhfsiug!! even when I say it out loud, it isn't really funny. DING
joke by davidfromohio	Jan 30th, 2008 12:26:00 AM
Two men are sitting in a bar, the first man says: "I went skydiving over the weekend." The second man says, "So how was it?" "Well, the instructor was pretty hardcore, he said if I didn't go through with it, he was going to fuck me in the ass!" "So did you jump?" "Well, a little at first..." eh... DING
JOKE by Zipperhead	Jan 30th, 2008 12:42:00 AM
Two gay men live together in the same home. One morning one of the men wakes up only to find his room-mate jerking off into a paper bag. Upon seeing this he asks his lover "What the hell are you doing?!". His lover responds "Making your lunch.". eh... DING
2 Bums by dirty john	Jan 30th, 2008 12:47:00 AM
2 bums are sitting in an alley discussing who had the better day. The first bum says, "I was walking down the street and found a twenty dollar bill. I took it in the nearest liquor store, bought a bottle, and got smashed." The second bum says, "that doesn't compare to my day. Me and a couple buddies were walking over by the railroad tracks and we fund this girl all tied up. So we took her to one of those abandoned warehouses and took turns fucking her all day." The 1st bum asks, " did you get any head?" the 2nd bum says, "we looked all over the place but we couldn't find the damn thing...." forgot to bring the "funny". DING
JOKE - Michael Jackson revisited by BringingSexyBack	Jan 30th, 2008 12:48:00 AM
Why can’t Michael Jackson ever win a race? Because he's always coming in a little behind ... leave MJ alone in whatever permissive third world country he is in... old. DING
JOKE by BringingSexyBack	Jan 30th, 2008 12:50:00 AM
Q: How do you know when a mechanic has had sex? A: His fingers are clean DING
JOKE by BringingSexyBack	Jan 30th, 2008 12:56:00 AM
A young boy ran into his house yelling "Mom come quick, I have great news!" The mother asked "What is it?" The boy replied, "I had sex for the first time today!" The mother gasped, and slapped the boy right across the face. "Go to your room and stay there until your father gets home!" she screamed. An hour later the father arrives home, got the news from the mother and went upstairs to talk to the boy. "So I hear you had sex for the first time today", he said. "Your mother is upset, but I think this is something for a father and son to celebrate! What do you say we go and get you that bicycle you’ve been asking for?" "Okay!", the boy answered, "But do you think we can wait until tommorrow? My ass is still killing me!" ***** one entry per person. but that was kind of funny. DING
joke by todaysolution	Jan 30th, 2008 12:57:00 AM
A man walks up to his wife with a glass of water and two advils and says, "Here you go". The wife then replies, "Why, I don't have a headache?". The man then says, "Good lets fuck". ***** even when I say it out loud, it isn't really funny. DING
JOKE by BringingSexyBack	Jan 30th, 2008 01:05:00 AM
What does an 80 year old pussy taste like? Depends. ***** DING
JOKE by BringingSexyBack	Jan 30th, 2008 01:08:00 AM
How do you know if your wife's been taking Human Growth Hormones? When she flips you over and fucks your ass with her clit. ***** DING
joke by oducerproducer	Jan 30th, 2008 01:20:00 AM
Three nurses are outside of a hospital room, the patient is in a coma yet maintains an erection. Nurse 1: "Man llok at his cock, i'd love to go in and suck on that thing." Nurse 2: "Oh i know, he's out cold, we could do whatever we want with him" Nurse 3: "i don't know, it seems kinda sick, it's almost like rape besides it's that time of the month" The next day the nurses gather again. Nurse 1: "i stayed up all night thinking about this man, he'll be like this for god knows how long, we might aswell keep his good in use" Nurse 2: Oh i know, who needs a dickheaded boyfriend when we could just ride him all night" Nurse 3: "He is cute i'll admit but it still seems wrong, i refuse to partake, aunt flow is visiting" The first two nurses convince nurse 3 to partake if he's still in a coma the next morning, well of course he still is. Nurse 1 goes in and fucks the man til she climaxes, nurse 2 follows. Both are discussing how great it was, nurse 3 then takes her turn. As she is riding him the man sudenly awakes, nurse 3 screms and jumps off. Nurse 3: "i'm so sorry i thought you were in a coma" Coma Man: "well all i needed was two wake up calls and a blood transfusion" ***** brevity comes to mind. I like nurses though
JOKE by BringingSexyBack	Jan 30th, 2008 01:20:00 AM
What do they call abortions in Prague? Cancelled Czechs. ***** read instructions of the contest, unless you are just posting to be "heard". haha funny, DING
JOKE by BringingSexyBack	Jan 30th, 2008 01:24:00 AM
What's black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron. ***** there are instructions to this contest. not many, but some. DING
Joke by zamlarson	Jan 30th, 2008 01:25:00 AM
In the news: The world's oldest woman died today only four days after receiving the title. Guess she just didn't want it enough. ***** it would have been funnier if she had passed four days before the title. DING
JOKE (Molestation Alert) by BringingSexyBack	Jan 30th, 2008 01:28:00 AM
Little Susie walks into the bathroom and catches her father taking a shower. She sees his penis and asks, "What's that, daddy?" Her father replies, "It's my penis." Susie says, "When am I going to get one?" The father then says, "As soon as your mother goes to work!" ***** pedophilia isn't really funny, DING
You screwed it up, here's how it goes.... by Phenom	Jan 30th, 2008 01:31:00 AM
A guy walks into a doctor with both ears burnt. The doctor asks how it happened and the guy replied, "I was in the middle of ironing when the phone rang." Puzzled, the doctor asked about the other ear. "I had to call an ambulance." ***** funny, it is in the potential winner categoy... probably won't though
Joke by acesdavefu	Jan 30th, 2008 01:38:00 AM
What do you get when you cross Santa Claus with Don Imus?????? A nappy headed Ho-Ho-Ho!!!! ***** yeah... no. DING
IT'S JUDGEMENT TIME ... by BringingSexyBack	Jan 30th, 2008 01:46:00 AM
I should've read the damned rules instead of the pedo jokes. ***** sure... better luck next time.
JOKE - St. Peter by Cavaliere	Jan 30th, 2008 02:20:00 AM
A man comes to St. Peter at heaven's door. St. Peter says, he'll let him in, if he tells him what caused his death. The man answers: "Well, I came home early from office, opened the door of my apartment and instantly sensed that my wife had cheated on me. She lay in bed, naked and full of guilt. I KNEW the guy was still around. "So I started looking for him - in the closet, under the bed, in all rooms. When I came into the kitchen, I had the idea to look out of the window - and there he was, sitting in his convertible sports car, buttoning his shirt. I was so furious that I grabbed the refrigerator, pulled it out of the wall, hauled it through the kitchen window and let it drop on the guy. This must have raised my blood pressure so high that I did from stroke." "That was clearly in the heat of the moment," says St. Peter and lets him in. A while later another man comes to the door. "Tell me your story." demands St. Peter. "Well, I just drove through the city in my convertible, but it got really cold, so I stopped the car to button up my shirt. In this moment I heard a noise from above, looked up - and the last thing I saw was a big white object falling down on me." "What a strange tale, come in." says St. Peter. A while later a nude man comes to the door. "What's your story then?" asks St. Peter. "Well, I just sat in the fridge, and ..." ***** I'll put that in the running... a bit long, potential winner
"died" - damn typo by Cavaliere	Jan 30th, 2008 02:23:00 AM
No text
JOKE!! by The Zombie Rapist From Hell	Jan 30th, 2008 02:26:00 AM
A cat and a bird were walking beside the pool, when suddenly, the cat fell into the pool, and the bird couldn't stop laughing. Moral lesson: If there's a wet pussy, there's a happy cock. *****yeah, moral lessons are in the next contest... DING
JOKE - What's the worst thing about being a paedophile? by Cleave	Jan 30th, 2008 03:37:27 AM
You just don't fit in
All these Jacko jokes... by Kragmose	Jan 30th, 2008 03:39:52 AM
Oh well. Keep em coming.
by Boomstickwarrior	Jan 30th, 2008 03:45:06 AM
What do Kermit the Frog's fingers smell like? Pork.
Joke by Boomstickwarrior	Jan 30th, 2008 03:45:16 AM
What do Kermit the Frog's fingers smell like? Pork.
Joke by macheesmo3	Jan 30th, 2008 03:55:59 AM
A married guy finally gets to go out with his single buddies to the titty bar and in the midst if his drunkeness he pukes on his shirt . He's totally distraught as he knows his wife is just gonna ream him . But his buddy leans over and says " here , take this $20 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When your wife starts to yell at you , pull it out and tell her that some other guy puked on your shirt and he gave you the $20 to have it cleaned ! " The married guy smiles and the friends continue to have fun. Early that next morning the married guy comes staggering up to his front door and just as he's about to turn the knob it flys open . " LOOK AT YOU!!! Look at you ! You go out one damn time and you get so drunk you threw up all the new shirt I bought you !!" The guy reaches into his shirt pocket and says" No , loook , another guy threw up on my shirt and he gave me $20 to have it cleaned !" The wife takes the money and says " $20 ? there's $40 here? " The husband smiles and says " Oh yeah , he shit in my pants too !"
Joke (number 2 so it doesn't count) by Lost Jarv	Jan 30th, 2008 04:10:51 AM
AN old catholic woman buys a parrot. She takes it home, puts it on the perch and the parrot screams out "MY NAME IS BELLA, AND I LIKE TO FUCK" The old lady is horrified, but decides that the parrot deserves a chance. She spends a week training it, but all it will say is "MY NAME IS BELLA, I LIKE TO FUCK". On the weekend she goes to the mass as usual. THe priest notices she is upset, so she tells him about the parrot. "Well, my child" he replies "I haev 2 parrots and all they do is recite hail mary's. Let me take it home and I'l have her fixed up in no time". He collects the miscreant parrot, takes her home and puts her on the perch between his 2 parrots. "My pets, we have a problem here" says the priest "this parrot has been touched by satan, and I need you two to put her back on the straight and narrow". With that Bella opens her beak and screams "HI MY NAME IS BELLA, I LIKE TO FUCK". And one parrot turns to the other and says "See, I told you if we kept it up with that prayer shit....."
JOKE by juggernaut1001	Jan 30th, 2008 04:11:00 AM
I couldn't believe it, the other day I had a conversation with God. I asked him, "God, what is the history of the universe like to you?" "One minute." he replied. I continued, "God, what a million dollars to you?" "A penny. While these questions are interesting, I would like to know if there's anything I can do for you." After a few moments of pondering I asked, "Can I have a million dollars?" "Sure!" said God. "Wait just a minute".
joke by xrsd	Jan 30th, 2008 04:11:59 AM
Q.how many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb? A.WANNA RIDE BIKES?!!!
Joke by NoodlesHahn	Jan 30th, 2008 04:12:13 AM
A neutron walks into a bar, asks the bartender, "How much for a drink?" Bartender replies, "For you... no charge."
an oldie, but it still makes me laugh by Lost Jarv	Jan 30th, 2008 04:13:59 AM
How many women with PMT does it take to screw in a lightbulb DO IT YOUR FUCKING SELF
Joke by Lost Jarv	Jan 30th, 2008 04:20:34 AM
What's the difference between Welsh Women and Japanese Sumo wrestlers? Sumo Wrestlers shave their legs
Joke by Lost Jarv	Jan 30th, 2008 04:25:02 AM
A guy is walking down the Beach in LA and he finds a magic lamp. obviously, he gives it a rub and a genie appears in a puff of smoke. "Master, you have freed me from the lamp, and for that I will grant whatever your heart desires" "Well", says the man "I've got reatives in Hawaii, but I'm scared of flying, so can you build a bridge from here across the pacific to hawaii?" "Erm, No" replies the genie "I know I said whatever you wanted, but really, mate. This is a fucking logistical nightmare. There's the depth of the ocean, wind difficulties, it's a fucking engineering impossibility. And I'm magic. Is there anything else?" The man thinks, and then "In that case, I've always wanted to understand women." "So," Says the genie quickly, "3 lanes or 6 on that bridge then?"
A bernard manning special (last one) by Lost Jarv	Jan 30th, 2008 04:26:48 AM
"I've always had a lot of sympathy for holocaust survivors as my grandfather died at Auschwitz. Silly bugger got pissed and fell out of a machine gun turret." Copyright Bernard Manning 2000
JOKE by radiokid80	Jan 30th, 2008 04:35:06 AM
So a chicken and an egg just finished having sex. The chicken lights up a cigarette and goes.."well, that answers THAT question."
Joke by samiam1	Jan 30th, 2008 05:11:12 AM
My prozac reacted with my cialis, so I had an eight hour erection, but I was too depressed to use it.
Joke by samiam1	Jan 30th, 2008 05:11:50 AM
What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common? Same middle name.
Joke by Papa Lazaru	Jan 30th, 2008 05:19:11 AM
My wife is a Dirty bitch . Everytime I go to take a piss in the Kitchen Sink , its full of dishes
JOKE... by The Zombie Rapist From Hell	Jan 30th, 2008 06:00:42 AM
A woman had a dream last night. She was walking on a very beautiful beach, when she suddenly saw God... And as He came closer to her, she noticed something else. God happened to be carrying someone. Someone she has known for a long time. Someone who has a special place in her heart... It was her husband. So, the wife ran and quickly asked God, "Lord, what's the problem?? What happened to my husband?!" And God answered: "My child,... The bastard's drunk... again."
Jokeness by BobWalnut	Jan 30th, 2008 06:11:03 AM
Man walking along top of a cliff. Comes across a 7/8 year old girl in front of an empty car, crying. "What's the matter?" he asks. "Mommy and Poppy were arguing real bad, and Poppy hit Mommy and she fell over the edge. Poppy was real saw and came over, kissed me and then he jumped over too. Now I'm all alone". The man looks over the cliff edge to see two lumps of hamburger below, takes a quick look around, starts undoing his jeans and says, "It's just not your lucky day honey, is it?"
JOKE - dammit by DoogieHowitzer	Jan 30th, 2008 06:32:53 AM
A young girl walks in on her parents having sex one night. After calming her down a bit, the daughter asked "mommy - what were you doing?" - the mother explains to her daughter, "Honey - this is how women get babies" The following night, the girl walks in on her mother giving her father a blowjob. he mother calms her down a bit and the girl asks "what were you doing THIS time mommy?" The mother replies...."well honey.....this is how women get Jewelry"
joke by nikkishiver	Jan 30th, 2008 06:41:45 AM
A pirate with a steering wheel in his pants walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at him and says, "I can't help noticing you have a steering wheel in your pants...". The pirate grimaces and say "Arrrr.. and it's drivin' me nuts!"
Joke by Dazzler69	Jan 30th, 2008 06:46:37 AM
A WGA writer and a Canadian writer walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow you guys hang out together?" The Canadian writer says, "I just speak for him." The bartender says, "Does he have a speech problem?" The Canadian writer says, "No he can speak fine he chooses not to." The writers exchange looks. The Canadian writer then says, "At least I can write." The WGA writer says nothing.
joke by Bob Falfa	Jan 30th, 2008 07:12:43 AM
Q. What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? A. Nothing, you already told her twice.
Joke by everyones_a_critic	Jan 30th, 2008 07:16:13 AM
The Lone Ranger and his able Indian assistant Tonto are riding down a steep Hill. All of a sudden they stop, Tonto swiftly dismounted from his horse and put his ear to the ground. "Buffalo come" said Tonto. The Lone Ranger purveyed the horizon and could see nothing for miles. "Wow" said the Lone Ranger..."thats amazing...how do you know that" With his head still on the ground, Tonto looks up and replies..."ear is stuck to the ground."
Joke by DonnieDorko	Jan 30th, 2008 07:16:53 AM
John walks into a bar in Stockholm & orders three glasses of Beer and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." John replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai, the other in Canada, and I'm here in Stockholm. When they left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. John becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the sameway. He orders three Beers and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders only two Beers. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says," I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." John looks confused for a moment, then alight dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "Everyone's fine - both my brothers are alive" . "Only thing is ---- I just quit drinking"
Entry: Rob Zombie's Kings of Comedy by tonagan	Jan 30th, 2008 07:25:15 AM
No, I won't let it go.
Joke by Joe-k by jboy	Jan 30th, 2008 07:36:42 AM
Man walks into a psychiatrist's office for his first visit and says, "Why doesn't anybody like me, you fat fuck?"
Joke by seandead	Jan 30th, 2008 07:46:45 AM
Michael Jackson is taking a walk with little Joey in Neverland. They walk into the woods at the back of the property, it's nearly midnight, the wind is howling through the trees, lightning cracks across the sky - somewhere a wolf cries. Joey squeezes Michael's hand and says "Michael, I'm scared". Michael says, "Hey, don't talk to me about being scared! I have to walk back on my own!".
Joke by Jackie Boy	Jan 30th, 2008 07:51:39 AM
A guy is sitting on a plane while the other passengers board. He notices the most beautiful woman he's ever seen enter and much to his pleasure she takes the seat next to him. After a while he can't resist the urge to talk with her. "So, you traveling for business or pleasure?" he asks. "Business, but I enjoy what I do,' she replies flirtatiously. 'I'm an expert on human sexuality and I'm going to a convention.' Interested, the man asks if she can share any of her knowledge with him. 'Well, people say that the French make the best lovers, when actually Jewish men give women the best pleasure. People also say black men have the largest members, when Native American men in fact have the largest penises. By the way, I'm Amy. I don't believe I caught your name?' She asks. "My name's Tonto," replies the man. "Tonto Goldstein."
I know by Abominable Snowcone	Jan 30th, 2008 08:29:39 AM
some of these pedo jokes are pretty raunchy, but I suppose it's better that wrong things be made fun of. Because when they're not, that means society has accepted them and they aren't taboo anymore.
JOKE by powercube	Jan 30th, 2008 08:37:04 AM
Q: What do you call a pedophile with no sense of humor? A: Deus Vult
Joke by useless_ass	Jan 30th, 2008 08:48:11 AM
What's small, green and smell like piggy? Kermit's finger! :) My favorite joke ever.
JOKE by TheUglyBaby	Jan 30th, 2008 09:44:20 AM
A guy goes whizzing thru a stop sign in and gets pulled over by a cop who was set up in a speed trap. The cop says, "What's your hurry, Buddy?" Guy says "Sorry, Officer, I'm just late for work." "Oh, what do you do for a living that's so important you run a stop sign?", asks the cop. "I'm an SES." "What the hell is an SES?", says the cop. "Well", says the guy... "An SES is a Sphincter Enlargement Specialist." "Huh?", asks the cop. "You see, I run a very expensive and delicate piece of machinery that takes a great deal of skill to operate. What it does is, you see, it takes a sphincter and thru a series of complicated motions and measures, stretches the sphincter out to about 6 feet." "6 feet?", laughs the cop. "What the hell do they do with a 6 foot ASSHOLE?" "Well .... Usually they park them behind a bush with a radar gun pulling people over who are late for work."
JOKE: My wasted entry (but funny) by Fish Tank	Jan 30th, 2008 10:03:31 AM
Three guys are fishing on a Canadian pond in the summertime, when one of them falls into the water. The other two have a good laugh, and wait for him to come up. A few minutes go by, and he's still under water. Guy one says he'll go get him, and dives in to find him, and stays under for a minute or two. Gasping for air, he surfaces, and says he can't find him. Guy two, panicking, tells him to dive deeper. After another couple of minutes, Guy one says he thinks he sees him way down there, and with another deep breath, goes back down. Three minutes pass, when finally, he breaks the surface with the body, and drags it onto the boat. Guy two promptly administers CPR, blowing in his mouth for what seems like hours. Suddenly he stops, and says "My GOD, I don't remember Tony's breath smelling this bad!" Then the other guy replies "Come to think of it, I don't remember him wearing a snowmobile suit."
JOKE by HootDad	Jan 30th, 2008 10:04:00 AM
What did the frog say to the princess? "Well, the kiss didn't work, so how about a blowjob?" ***** well, that joke didn't work, so how about a DING-job.
FuckMichaelBay . . . by systemsbroom	Jan 30th, 2008 10:15:03 AM
sorry! Didn't see it. Disregard.
Joke by SumDood	Jan 30th, 2008 10:17:51 AM
A guy is checking out at a supermarket, buying a six-pack, a tv-dinner and a bottle of bleach. The check out girl says, "oh, i guess you're single?". The guys says back "Why yes, how could you tell?". To which she replied, "because you're ugly"
JOKE by powercube	Jan 30th, 2008 10:56:07 AM
I was buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. (Brilliant deduction). On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time I tried it. I told her that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. Horrified, she asked if I had been poisoned by the food and that is why I ended up in the hospital. I told her no, I was crossing the street and stopped to lick my balls and a car hit me.
Joke by schnipple	Jan 30th, 2008 10:57:37 AM
a white kid, asian kid and black kid all die at the same time hit by a car crossing the street. The white kid wakes up first on a cloud with wings in front of heaven's gate. He's confused and asks the angel guarding the gate what's going on. The angel tells him he's now an angel and lets him into heaven. Next the asian kid wakes up confused as well. He asks the angel what happened to him and the angel replies that he is now an angel and lets him into heaven. Now the black kid wakes up last and is really confused with his new wings. He asks the angel, "What am I?" The angel replies, "You a BAT, muthafucka!"
Joke by jmatamo	Jan 30th, 2008 11:04:31 AM
Q. What do you do when you see your wife staggering in the backyard? A. Shoot her again.
Joke by ToWhomFunkIsGiven	Jan 30th, 2008 11:26:05 AM
What's the difference between jam and jelly..... You can't jelly your dick into a dead baby's ass
Fuckmichaelbay by Abominable Snowcone	Jan 30th, 2008 11:40:59 AM
A pedo joke could win...if they let the kids decide.
Joke by chestnimitz	Jan 30th, 2008 11:51:19 AM
A son is asking his father about sex. "What does a vagina look like?" he asks. "Son", replies the father, "A vagina is the most beautiful thing in the entire world. It is like a blossoming orchid, spreading her dew-kissed petals in the light of a new day." The boy then asks, "Dad, what does a vagina look like after sex?" The father pauses and then replies: "Son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
JOKE ! DING ! by The Cap	Jan 30th, 2008 12:05:05 PM
An old guy walks into a tavern and has a seat at the bar next to a young man. After a couple of beers, the old man turns to the young man seated next to him and says "Hey, I just fcked your mother." The young man glances at the old man for a moment but says nothing and returns to his own beer. The old man has another pint, and once again turns to fdace the young man, saying even louder this time "I fucked your mother !". The young man barely reacts; he continues to stare straight ahead, sipping at his beer. Two more frosty mugs later, the old man stands up, grabs the young man by the shoulders, spins him around to face him and yells "Hey ! I JUST F*CKED your MOTHER !" The young man stands up, goes toe-to-toe with the old guy and yells back "Dad, you're DRUNK ! Go the hell HOME!" Oh yeah ... DING.
An epic joke, shortened somewhat by BendersShinyAss	Jan 30th, 2008 12:09:18 PM
There's a construction site and it's falling behind budget. A plan is put in place to have all departments working together to complete the project on time and on budget The foreman walks into the site and greets the landscapers. he then proceeds up the floors, greeting and reviewing the carpenters, the electricians and the interior layouts. On the roof of the building he speaks with the crane driver. "I'm busting for a piss" He says. "No worries", says the crane driver "stand in the bucket and I'll swing you out over the city. you can piss over the side - It'll turn into a fine spray and no one will ever know." So he steps into the bucket, the crane driver swings him out and he takes a piss. When he's done and about to leave the crane driver calls him back "Excuse me, I need to piss now. could you operate the crane for me?" "I'm not qualified" "it's very simple, move the control left it swings the bucket out. move it right it swings it back. What ever you do, don't push it forward!" To which the crane driver hoped into the bucket and the foreman swung him out over the city Meanwhile.... down below a sexy young woman, with big bouncy cleavage and short shirt walks past the construction site. The landscapers start to wistle and call out to her. This get the attention of the first floor. the electricians start to join in the admiration of the hot young lady. Pretty soon the WHOLE building is cheering this woman on. The foreman in the crane hears it, to which he leans forward to have a better look - pushing forward on the crane operation stick.... A little further down the street two cops are walking their beat when the sexy young woman comes screaming around the corner hysterical. The cops can't get any sense out of her thats when a man passes by and say "She's just been harrased by the workers at the construction site up the road." "Which workers? could you identify them?" Asks the cop. "Well, they were ALL calling out to her, but I bet you'll want the crane driver. He was the one who jumped off the roof with his cock in his hand yelling "Fuck me Fuck me!!"
Joke: by Gobias Ind.	Jan 30th, 2008 12:11:31 PM
Back in college I stole some blue prints for the Tamagotchi while rummaging through my roommate's personal belongings and then patented it. The money is gone now, but my pride is still intact. I'm working on a prototype for a frisbee that tells racists jokes and, I dunno, I feel pretty good about it. On a more personal note, though, I apologize for poisioning the earth.
Joke by Darthhoosier	Jan 30th, 2008 12:23:57 PM
A woman is looking for an anniversiary gift for her husband and walks into their local pet store. She is looking at the puppies and the clerk asks her "What are you looking for?". "Well I'm looking for a really special gift for my husband, it's our anniversary". "I have just the thing" the clerk says. He walks over this frog. "Here you go" he said. "A frog?!?!" the wife says in disbelief. "Not just any frog, this is a magic blowjob frog. It gives the best blowjobs a man has ever had. If your husband does not say it's the best blowjob he has ever had come back and I'll give you a full refund". Although skeptical she hates blowing her husband so she buys the frog and takes it home. When she tells her husband what it does he can't believe it. "No fucking way am I getting blown by a frog" he says. "Just try it honey, it's guaranteed to be the best ever". Later that night the wife hears all sorts of noise down in the kitchen, pots and pans clanging and falling on the floor. When she walks into the kitchen she sees the frog sitting next to the stove and the husband frantically working with the pots and pans. He turns to his wife and says "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're fuckin' history!".
A Seal.... by BendersShinyAss	Jan 30th, 2008 12:25:35 PM
Walks into a bar. "what'll it be?" asks the bartender. "Anything, So long as it aint a Canadian club on the rocks."
THE CAP: "I f*ucked your mother !". by BringingSexyBack	Jan 30th, 2008 12:46:11 PM
That's like a joke within a joke.
mother in law joke by bdelbianco	Jan 30th, 2008 12:57:00 PM
I'm not a superstitious guy, but when my mother in law dies, and I go to the funeral home, I'm driving a wooden stake through her heart. I've seen those movies, they always come back to get you, I'm taking no chances. ***** I love my mother in-law... regularly. DING
Joke by LouGossetPhillip	Jan 30th, 2008 01:27:58 PM
What's the difference between Bono and God? God doesn't think he's Bono.
Joke by jeremy_killion	Jan 30th, 2008 02:08:12 PM
Call centers are great! I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
JOKE by fobrob102	Jan 30th, 2008 03:34:58 PM
Why does Beyonce' say "to the left, to the left?" Because black people don't have any rights
Joke by only1	Jan 30th, 2008 03:51:11 PM
Q)What's funnier tan a Vince Vaughn movie? a) Everything
Joke by only1	Jan 30th, 2008 03:51:20 PM
Q)What's funnier than a Vince Vaughn movie? a) Everything
joke by only1	Jan 30th, 2008 03:57:19 PM
a man is standing in line at the airport. Finally he is called to the desk by a beautiful woman with the largest breasts he's ever seen. "How may I help you, sir?" the woman asks. "One ticket to Titsburgh, please" the man responds. Realizing what he says, the man blushes and apologizes. After purchasing the ticket and walking to the gate, the man that was in line behind him said "Hey, don't worry about what happened back there, pal. It's called a 'Freudian slip.' What you are thinking about overrides what you want to say. It just happened to me this morning. What I meant to say to my wife was 'honey, can you pass the syrup' but instead I said "I FUCKING HATE YOU! YOU RUINED MY LIFE YOU FUCKING BITCH!'"
old Joke by The Dum Guy	Jan 30th, 2008 03:59:14 PM
Have you heard about the new Michael Jackson doll? You wind it up and it plays with your kids.
JOKE by BringingSexyBack	Jan 30th, 2008 04:31:12 PM
Why is Indiana Jones still in love with Marion? He digs old bones. (I just made that up hangin' in the Indy TB - not a rehash)
JOKE by DeweyOxburger	Jan 30th, 2008 04:43:25 PM
Q. How would you describe a snowman that looks like Harry? A. Morbidly Snowbese...ZING...
Joke by nathan0774	Jan 30th, 2008 04:52:50 PM
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his zipper. The bartender says, "Hey... Pirate... Ya know you gotta steering wheel hangin' out of your zipper?" The pirate says, "AAAARRRR! And it's driving me nuts!"
JOKE by psykomyko	Jan 30th, 2008 06:10:12 PM
How can you tell if you have an emo lawn? It cuts itself.
Jokey Joke by ronnyboy	Jan 30th, 2008 06:39:28 PM
I went to the Pleasure Chest to buy an inflatable girl-doll. The guy behind the counter said "You want the catholic model or the fundamentalist muslim model?" "what's the difference?" "On the Catholic model all the holes are sewn up unless you marry her. The radical fundamentalist muslim model blows herself up." BOOM BOOM
Joke by CrimsonJihad	Jan 30th, 2008 06:40:30 PM
Probably told already, but whatever... A guy goes to a doctor and says, "I'm worried about this dot that appeared on my forehead a few days ago." The doctor says, "I've read about about this. It's not life-threatening, but in four weeks you'll have a penis growing out of your forehead." Confused, the guy says, "So you're telling me in one month I'll wake up every morning, look at myself in the mirror, and see a penis growing out of my head?" The doctor responds, "Oh, of course not. You won't see anything because the balls will be in front of your eyes."
Joke by Zipperhead	Jan 30th, 2008 07:03:51 PM
SEXUAL DEFINITION, TURNER AND HOOCH: After banging a girl from behind, turn her around and blow your load on her face. When the girl shakes her head to get the cum off, she looks like Hooch from Turner and Hooch.
jOkE (WINNER) by RedHeadedStepChild	Jan 30th, 2008 07:30:23 PM
A man excitedly wakes his wife one morning with two poorly wrapped gifts and a cheers of, "Happy Birthday!" Sleepy eyed but happily surprised, the young woman opens the first gift shoved into her hands. "A pair of flip-flops?" she asked slyly, figuring the next gift will be something connected... like a tropical getaway. Grabbing the second gift and ripping into it, she was shocked to find a dildo. "Let me explain," her husband said. "The flip-flops are your birthday gift. If you don't like them you can go fuck yourself."
Joke by votedna	Jan 30th, 2008 08:03:46 PM
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and George Bush? Clinton pulled out.
joke by BethSchumann	Jan 30th, 2008 08:17:33 PM
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I have mixed feelings about that.
Joke by lenny66	Jan 30th, 2008 09:20:46 PM
What do all abused kids have in common? THEY DON'T FUCKING LISTEN!!!! (when told in person, please scream the punchline at full rage to get the proper effect)
Joke by PhonicsMonkey	Jan 30th, 2008 09:54:27 PM
How are your mom and sasquatch different? One is big, fat, hairy and smells like shit. The other is a myth.
Joke by PhonicsMonkey	Jan 30th, 2008 09:55:17 PM
How are Michael Jackson and K-Mart the same? They both have boys pants half off.
Joke by maxwell's hammer	Jan 30th, 2008 10:26:34 PM
Two peanuts are walking down the road. One was a-salted.
Joke by Pouchstalker	Jan 30th, 2008 11:23:05 PM
How are Michael Jackson and an Xbox 360 the same? They're both made of plastic and turned on by 12 year olds. Zing!
joke by johnmac70	Jan 30th, 2008 11:34:02 PM
So, what do you do here in Lubbock. Uh, my fiance.
oh, c'mon, johnmac70 by drave117	Jan 30th, 2008 11:51:27 PM
That joke is in the freaking trailer for the movie.
joke by Igorlives	Jan 31st, 2008 12:56:24 AM
Mrs. Applebaum has the class line up to conduct a spelling bee. After Alfalfa is done, it's now Buckwheat's turn. "Please spell the word 'dictate' for the class." Slowly he begins "D-i-c-t-a-t-...e." "Very good, now use it in a sentence" says the teacher. Buckwheat thinks for a moment, and says "Darla, how my dictate last night?"
Joke by mr jones	Jan 31st, 2008 02:59:14 AM
Q. What's better than winning a gold medal at the Paralympics? A. Walking
all comedy is about fear by BobWalnut	Jan 31st, 2008 05:19:19 AM
Read your Plato!
Joke by schnipple	Jan 31st, 2008 07:34:08 AM
What does a baby in a blender sound like? I don't know, I was too busy jerking off.
Joke by DarthQueefer	Jan 31st, 2008 08:20:26 AM
Two Canadians are sitting in a bar getting bored, so they decide to play twenty questions. The first Canadian tries to think of a subject for his friend to guess and, after a little pondering, comes up with "moose cock." He tells his friend he's ready to play. "OK," says the second Canadian. "Is it something good to eat?" The first Canadian thinks for a moment, then laughs and replies, "Sure, I guess you could eat it." The second Canadian says, "Is it a moose cock?"
JOKE by Abin Sur	Jan 31st, 2008 08:28:25 AM
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.
Joke by BadMrWonka	Jan 31st, 2008 09:50:52 AM
A mime working at a zoo is approached by the head zookeeper one day. The zookeeper says, "Bobo, our male silverback gorilla, the star attraction here at the zoo, has died. We really don't want to lose the revenue he brought in, so we want to pay you double what you make as a mime, to dress up in a gorilla suit and pretend to be Bobo. The mime agrees, gets his suit, and starts performing as Bobo. A week or so goes by, and the mime is starting to get bored. Every day, he puts on the suit, and plays Bobo, but it's always the same. So he decides to give the onlookers a real show. He climbs up to the top of his enclosure and swings around wildly. The crowd is loving it, but just then, he loses his grip, and falls into the enclosure next to his, which contains a lion. The lion chases after him for a while and finally pounces on his back, pinning him to the ground. The mime gives up on the Bobo shtick at this point and starts yelling, "Help! Help! I'm a person in here!" Then the lion whispers, "Dude, you're gonna get us fired!"
heh by BendersShinyAss	Jan 31st, 2008 10:07:40 AM
Woman "Doctor, you've got to change these hormone pills you've perscribed me, it's making me grow hair in strange places" Doctor "Like where?" Woman "Like, on my balls"
A woman runs into the police station by BendersShinyAss	Jan 31st, 2008 10:13:24 AM
"Help I've been graped, I've been GRAPED!!" "Do you mean Raped?" "No, there was a bunch of them"
why did the condom hit the wall? by BendersShinyAss	Jan 31st, 2008 10:25:33 AM
he was pissed off
"Doctor.... by BendersShinyAss	Jan 31st, 2008 10:31:20 AM
...... I've got really bad flatulence. I fart all the time. but they never make a sound and they don't smell. whats wrong with me??" "Well, First I'll check you're hearing but I'll need to refer you to a specialist about your nose."
Joke by TheOutlawJoseyWales	Jan 31st, 2008 10:50:57 AM
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb has got to WANT to change.
JOKE by optimous_douche	Jan 31st, 2008 12:53:01 PM
What were first civilian astronaut Christa Mcauliffe's last words? What does this button do?
JOKE by optimous_douche	Jan 31st, 2008 01:41:41 PM
Why can't you give blonde girls vibrators? They keep chipping their teeth
JOKE by optimous_douche	Jan 31st, 2008 01:47:07 PM
A blonde woman in her late teens comes rushing into the house, her face is beet red and she has tears streaming down her face. Her Mother, also a blonde, tells her to calm down and tell her the problem. "Mom" she says as she sniffs back a tear, "I think I'm pregnant." The Mother looks at her with sympathetic eyes and says, "don't worry sweetie, maybe it's not yours."
What do you call.. by Misspent Youth	Jan 31st, 2008 02:52:31 PM
What do you call a Republican who loses his job, his house and gets Lou Gehrig's disease. A Democrat!
Joke by Undead_Mike	Jan 31st, 2008 03:14:39 PM
A woman who is pregnant goes to her doctor who tells her the happy news that she is expecting three kids, all boys. She drives back home to tell her husband. On the way, she gets involved in a hunting accident and gets shot in with with two loads of birdshot. She immediately gets taken to the hospital where she gets taken care of. Luckily, the wounds are not bad and the doctor tells her that she and her three babies will be fine. 12 years later the boys have grown and are playing in the yard when the first one comes running inside crying. "What's wrong?", asks the mom. "I have peed in the bushes and little metal things came out!", the boy says frightened. "Oh, nothing to worry about.", says the mom and tells him the story about the accident 12 years ago. The boys stops crying and goes back out to play. Next day, the next boy comes to her, crying too. "Mom, I was in the bathroom peeing and little metal things came out!", he yells. The mom calms also him down and tells him the story of the accident while he was in her womb. The boy feels better after that and goes playing again. Shortly after that the third kid comes in running like crazy, totally breathless and crying too. "Mom! Mom! Something terrible happened!", he yells. "Yes, I know...", she starts, "You went peeing and then..." "No! No!", the boy interrupts her, "I was jacking off in my room and shot the cat!"
JOKE by Gratificationow	Jan 31st, 2008 03:37:19 PM
A rabbi is retiring after performing his 500th bris. He's saved the foreskin of every child he's ever operated on and takes it all to a leather worker to have him make something out of the skin as a momento of his life's work. He comes back to pick up the item and the leather worker gives him a wallet, totally made of foreskin, beautifully constructed. The rabbi says, "I gave you all that foreskin and all you made was this tiny little wallet?" The leather worker replies, "Yeah, but if you rub it, it turns into a briefcase."
JOKE by monkeybird415	Jan 31st, 2008 03:40:19 PM
An egg and chicken are lying in bed together. The chicken has a satisfied look on his face and he's smoking a cigarette. The egg gives the chicken a disgruntled look, rolls over and mutters, "I guess we answered that question."
Joke by Thump	Jan 31st, 2008 03:46:27 PM
A guy goes into the supermarket to get a sixpack of beer. He stands in line at the checkout and looks down at the conveyor belt as the person in front of him is checking out. There is a lean cuisine frozen dinner, a woman's magazine, a pint of Haaden daaz, some feminine hygiene boxs, a small box of cookies, a romance novel. He looks up at the lady in front of him and says "Let me guess. You must be single." "Why yes", she says."How could you tell" "Because your Fucking Ugly!" shouts the guy.
jeez, people by drave117	Jan 31st, 2008 04:41:35 PM
Read the talkback before you tell your joke. Or, at the very least, do a cursory search and make sure it hasn't been told, say, six or seven times. Reading the rules might help as well. I wonder if the people who posted multiple jokes are going to be disqualified, or if the judges will just ignore all but the first one...
JOKE by Movies4dummies	Jan 31st, 2008 04:55:29 PM
What's Bruce Lee's favorite drink? WAH-TAH!!!
JOKE by psykomyko	Jan 31st, 2008 06:17:22 PM
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year,and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test...we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
Joke by Mr.King_Maximus	Jan 31st, 2008 06:19:33 PM
A Chicken and an Egg are laying in bed together after having sex. The Egg turns to the Chicken and says "I guess that answers that question."
JOKE by optimous_douche	Jan 31st, 2008 08:47:08 PM
Have you ever seen a dead person? No, I always close my eyes during sex.
JOKE by HairyBooth	Jan 31st, 2008 09:06:47 PM
-What's green and smells like pork? -Kermit's finger.
The Mayor is touring the new hospital... by spartacus_lives	Feb 1st, 2008 12:45:47 AM
and comes to a room with a patient masturbating on the edge of the bed. "What the hell, man!" the mayor yells. "At least close the door." But the hospital administrator stepped in and explained. "It's alright, sir. This patient has a rare case of overactive testes. He needs to be, uh, relieved every few hours or they'll swell and explode." The mayor shuddered at the thought but went on to finish the tour. In the next room they came to a nurse was giving a blowjob to a patient at the edge of the bed. "What the hell is this?" asked the mayor. The administrator replied, "same disease, better healthcare plan."
JOKE by Bob A. Ganoosh	Feb 1st, 2008 01:26:30 AM
I recently saw a story on the news about this girl in India who was born with 8 extra limbs. She needed surgery to remove the limbs and then she would be able to lead a normal life. Fortunately for her, the operation only cost an arm and a leg.
Joke by drave117	Feb 1st, 2008 03:48:35 AM
Q: How many AICN talkbackers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Shitcock!
Joke by ThirteenthMonkey	Feb 1st, 2008 05:23:35 AM
After a horrific plane crash, the only two survivors are lost in a seemingly endless desert. They gather up whatever supplies they can find and head out to see if they can find help. Days and many miles go by. First their food runs out, then their water. They keep walking, slower and slower. Days and many miles go by. After a couple of weeks they’re absolute wrecks. Their skin is burned and their lips are cracked. Their feet are blistered and their eyes are seared. They’re practically crawling along, dragging their sorry bones over miles and miles of hot desert sand. Eventually, one of them lifts his head up and spies something in the distance, some shape that vaguely resembles a human settlement. They head towards it. When they get closer they notice that it is indeed a human settlement, one that closely resembles and open-air market. They go inside and head to the first stall they can find. “Water” croaks the man to the stall-keeper. “I am sorry my good man, but I’m afraid I don’t have any water” the store-keeper says. “All I have are these bowls of Jelly and custard and small round sweets.” The two men hobble off to the next stall. “Water” croaks the dying man. He would be crying if there was any moisture left in him. “I am sorry my friend, but I’m afraid I don’t have any water” the store-keeper says. “All I have are these bowls of Jelly, biscuit, custard and small round sweets.” The men head off to the next stall, dejected. This goes on all day. Stall after stall. No water, just: “I am sorry my good man, but I’m afraid I don’t have any water” the store-keeper says. “All I have are these bowls of Jelly and custard and small round sweets.” Eventually the two men decide that they’re never going to get any water in this market, so they decide to take their chances and head back out into the merciless desert. As they leave, one man turns to his emaciated companion and says “Don’t you think it was weird that they had no water in that market, only bowls of Jelly and custard and small round sweets.” “Yes” the second man says, “it was a trifle bizarre”
JUST CURIOUS by Hispanic at the Disco	Feb 1st, 2008 09:54:54 AM
When will we find out who won?
JOKE by clownbot3000	Feb 1st, 2008 10:26:57 AM
I always suspected that the TBers on this site were pederasts but now it's official.
Yo' momma! by Abin Sur	Feb 1st, 2008 11:41:57 AM
Yo momma's so fat, she got a shaving cut on her leg and gravy came out. Boo YA!
Joke by SumDood	Feb 1st, 2008 12:58:40 PM
My son was born without eyelids, due to some rare disease. Since we were already planning on getting him circumcised, the doctor said we could make eyelids from the foreskin that would usually be discarded. It worked like a charm and he's perfectly normal. Wait for it... He's just a little cock-eyed.
joke by MateoMcD	Feb 1st, 2008 02:16:58 PM
St. Peter is watching the gate to heaven, but he really has to go to the bathroom. He sees Jesus walking by and says, "Jesus! Quick, come over here and watch the gate for a minute." Jesus agrees and Peter hurries off. A minute later, Jesus sees an old man approach the gate that looks oddly familiar. Jesus asks, "sir, what did you do before you died?" The man replies, "I was a carpenter." Jesus says, "Incredible! I was raised by a carpenter. Is it possible..." The man says, "I had a son, too... well, he wasn't really my son, but I raised him like he was my son." Jesus says, "Yes, yes, the carpenter who raised me wasn't my biological father either!" The man says, "I tried to do a good job and teach him to always be loyal, honest, and brave." Jesus can't control himself any longer and weeping, he embraces the old man crying out, "oh, oh, papa!" And the old man begins to weep, too, crying, "oh, oh, Pinocchio!"
JOKE by SwordBuddha	Feb 1st, 2008 02:46:39 PM
You know, masturbation really takes the edge off and after twenty years of diligent practice, I happy to say that I am a well-rounded individual.
JOKE by livingwater	Feb 1st, 2008 04:29:32 PM
All across America, celeb watchers are wishin' and hopin' that Fudgy Poof and Diandra Dope are an item. Oh, how cute they would be! Folks can hardly talk 'bout these two without damned exclamation marks!!! He's so real--how has he remained unattached for so many years? And she's so...well, she's Diandra, and that's good enough for most. True, I'm starting to feel like all the world's an all-boys theater camp in the Catskills and I'm the one hiding in the bushes with the binoculars. Yep, here we go again. Fudgy does go a-courtin'. But not for ladies. Not even if they're all hot 'n' taut like Diandra. Oh sure, there have been whispers about Fudge-stud. But this week, he propositioned one of the manliest men I know. In public. Why so bold? Well, he's had that mopey Ms. Dope hangin' all over him. Now she's off his back, and it's his turn to do the mounting. Too bad he's not my type. But really, he's, um, not. At all. Even a little bit. IT'S NOT: Nicky Hilton, Kevin Connolly; Orlando Bloom, Kate Bosworth; Jermaine Jackson, Janet Jackson It's Jennifer Aniston/Vince Vaughn
JOKE by Bob Loblaw Law Blog	Feb 1st, 2008 08:23:50 PM
A guy sits at a bar, just looking at his drink. Out of nowhere, a large, obnoxious truck driver steps next to him, grabs the guys drink and empties the glass. The sulking man starts crying and screaming. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that. This has been the worst day of my life. First, I sleep in, get to work late and my boss fires me. When I leave the building, I realize my car has been stolen. I take taxi home, but after it drops me off and goes speeding down the road, I realize that I left my wallet and credit cards there." "So, then I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with our gardener. So, I leave home, and come to this bar. "I had no idea, buddy, I'm really sorry!" says the truck driver. "Is there anything I can do to help?" "Probably not. Just before you walked in, I had decided to kill myself. But... then you came along and drank all my poison."
lawl by noiprox	Feb 1st, 2008 09:52:15 PM
what's grosser than gross? two vampires fighting over a dirty tampon
will winners be announced tonight by Kloipy	Feb 1st, 2008 11:30:19 PM
it's getting close to saturday morning, actually here on the east coast it's 12:30am
JOKE by GavinVanDraven	Feb 2nd, 2008 04:16:19 AM
IM TOO LATE! oh well, here's mine Q. what do you call the sweat on your cousin's back when you are fucking her in the ass? A. relative humidity
Not a joke, but made me laugh by BobWalnut	Feb 2nd, 2008 09:31:13 AM
"We see a python dislocating its own jaw in order to swallow a small deer. It starts with the head and slowly engulfs the whole body until it's coating the thing like a living condom. Familiar territory? Maybe so. But then Attenborough points out that the deer's head is so huge the snake can't breathe, so it sicks up its own windpipe and pokes it out the side of its mouth, like a floppy pink snorkel, puckering for air. Truly revolting. And new. And clever: it's the sort of thing Jack Bauer would do, if he had several million years to evolve his way out of a crisis." Charlie Brooker, 2008.
WHEN WILL KNOW WHO THE WINNER IS? by Vamp-AICNchat	Feb 2nd, 2008 10:07:19 AM
?????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????? ???????????????
Duck Joke by super_jay_584	Feb 2nd, 2008 11:36:48 AM
Georgia game warden is doing his rounds in the woods when he notices a young man shooting three ducks down in a row. Bang, Bang, Bang!!!! Well the warden figures he'll give this one a hard time and walks over to him. The warden says, "Son I'm the game warden around here and I'm going to see if you have the proper licenses to be hunting these ducks. ". The young man replied, "ok.". Well the warden picks up the first duck and sniffs its a&& and says, "This is a North Carolina duck. Do you have a North Carolina hunting license?". The young man pulls out his wallet and tosses the warden his North Carolina hunting license. The warden picks up the second duck and sniffs its a&& then says "This is a South Carolina duck. Do you have a South Carolina hunting license?". The young man pulls out a South Carolina hunting license and tosses it to the warden. Now the warden is curious about this guy and picks up the third duck and begins to sniff its a&& then says "This young man is a fine Alabama duck. Do you have an Alabama hunting license?". Right on the spot the young man throws him his Alabama hunting license. Now the warden is just pissed this all back fired on him and says "Son you are in Georgia hunting ducks with licenses from three other states and the only thing I have left to wonder is just where in the hell are you from boy?". Bout that time the young man turned around and yanked his jeans down and said, "YOU'RE THE GODDAMN EXPERT YOU TELL ME.". a really old man told me that and i couldn't stop laughing all day about it.
JOKE-A man goes into a gun shop for a telescopic rifle sight... by tattooedjackass	Feb 3rd, 2008 04:33:31 AM
A man goes into a gun shop for a telescopic rifle sight... A man goes into a gun shop for a telescopic rifle sight. The assistant takes one out, points out the window and says: "This baby is so good, you can see right into my house on that hill way over there." The man looks through the sight at the house and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the assistant. "Well, I can see a naked man chasing a naked woman around your house," replies the customer. Snatching the 'scope back, the assistant cranes his eye through the sight and sure enough, there is his wife, naked, being hotly pursued by an excited young man. Furious, the assistant says to the man, "If I give you two bullets, will you blow my wife's head off with one and take the man's dick out with the other? I'll give you the telescopic sight for free if you do." "Okay," the man says, as he takes out his rifle and attacks the sight. Taking a quick look through it before loading, he hands one bullet back. "You know what?" he says. "I think I can do this with just one shot."
A REAL SAD JOKE IS VINCE VAUGHN by livingwater	Feb 3rd, 2008 01:49:49 PM
QUESTION : What is dumb, overpaid , ugly, bloated, never has a real girfriend because he is gay and in the closet and cynically feigned a relationship with Jennifer Aniston to get tabloids off her back and give himself production money ? ANSWER : The Creamy Gobbler : http://tinyurl.com/2tk4aa
Don't worry, livingwater... by drave117	Feb 3rd, 2008 04:34:41 PM
...I'm sure you can still find somebody to take you to the prom, even though Vince Vaughn turned you down...
JOKE by livingwater	Feb 3rd, 2008 05:14:21 PM
Vince Vaughn's main squeeze is the ketchup bottle on his French Fries : http://tinyurl.com/2wwc9k
Winners? by KrellGod	Feb 3rd, 2008 07:59:37 PM
When you said winners would be announced on Friday, we were assuming that meant Feb. 1. Did you perhaps mean Feb. 8?
damn, i got dinged on my post by Kloipy	Feb 3rd, 2008 11:03:42 PM
why did i go with the pedophile joke??? stupid stupid stupid. To bad I'm not a famous comedian so I could have been in the Aristocrats and told a really vile pedophile/incest joke and have people think I was genius. Next time I'm going with the dead baby joke. haha just kidding, congrats to whoever wins this thing
the winner by onefatman	Feb 4th, 2008 03:47:14 AM
should be specialspecial's one about darth vader
Joke by Five Dollar Gold Indian	Feb 4th, 2008 10:20:31 PM
Q: How do they say ping pong in China? A: PING PONG!
Assholes by Jive Ass Cracker	Feb 6th, 2008 09:34:43 AM
Hey, assholes, when are you going to pick thte fucking winners?
No winner yet. by NoahTall	Feb 6th, 2008 11:20:23 AM
I wondered why there is no name behind the contest (ie Harry, Mori, Whoever) Must have been because it's Quint who never gets his contests done when he says they will be. Probably wanted to avoid the usual ragging he gets (mostly from me) when he is days, weeks, or even months late. I've give him this though. He has yet to be a year late. And speaking of Quint contests. Did anybody win that Farrely Brothers poster?
Joke by Ariock	Feb 6th, 2008 12:07:53 PM
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair
Joke by vmj19	Feb 6th, 2008 11:10:47 PM
Why did Jesus need a Tetanus shot? He kept biting his nails.
Joke by v1	Feb 7th, 2008 01:54:26 PM
A woman goes to the doctor and says, “My husband wont have sex with me not matter what I do, and Viagra isn’t helping at all.” The Doctor says he’s been working on a special powder that is far more powerful than Viagra. He gives her a small bag of it, and tells her to take one pinch of the powder and put in his coffee in the morning and the sex will be amazing. He warns her, “Only put on pinch though, it is VERY strong stuff.” The woman goes home, puts a pinch of the powder in her husbands coffee the next morning. The husband stays home from work and they have the most mind blowing sex of her entire life. The next day she put the rest of the bag in his coffee. Two weeks later their son calls the doctor and says, “Doctor, Doctor! My moms dead, my sisters pregnant, my ass hurts and my dad is out on the lawn saying, ‘Here kitty kitty, here kitty kitty!!!!’”
STILL no winner? That's too bad. by Abin Sur	Feb 12th, 2008 02:37:15 PM
However, we found a lot of would-be stars for "Dateline: To Catch a Predator."
Joke by BGDAWES	Feb 13th, 2008 01:57:33 PM
What is more lame than this pointless contest? Nothing. In order to be a 'contest' a winner must be declared. Zing!
joke by dean the razor reneau	Feb 14th, 2008 02:37:42 PM
True story!!! I'm volunteering at this homeless shelter in New York giving out blankets, cans of soup...brochures on AIDs etc... and this 18 year old blonde crack head chick wanders into the shelter ...she's slurring her words through a mouthfull of rotting teeth...obviously high out of her mind... and she walks up and...gets real close to me...the stench of urine...unwashed sex...I can just tell she's hooking...I'm thinking god what a perfect waste of a beautiful human life...And she gets in close and she whispers, "I'll sk your DK for five dollars." I looked at her and I was just stunned...She's just sneering at me through these mix and match Indian corn teeth...She's just trying to get a rise out of me cause I'm the new guy... So I picked up a container of hand sanitizer and I reply as quick as lightning...I say "I'll give you three dollers if you'll drink this whole bottle...and I'm telling you...to this day...It was the best eight dollars I've ever spent in New York City.
joke by dean the razor reneau	Feb 14th, 2008 02:37:51 PM
True story!!! I'm volunteering at this homeless shelter in New York giving out blankets, cans of soup...brochures on AIDs etc... and this 18 year old blonde crack head chick wanders into the shelter ...she's slurring her words through a mouthfull of rotting teeth...obviously high out of her mind... and she walks up and...gets real close to me...the stench of urine...unwashed sex...I can just tell she's hooking...I'm thinking god what a perfect waste of a beautiful human life...And she gets in close and she whispers, "I'll sk your DK for five dollars." I looked at her and I was just stunned...She's just sneering at me through these mix and match Indian corn teeth...She's just trying to get a rise out of me cause I'm the new guy... So I picked up a container of hand sanitizer and I reply as quick as lightning...I say "I'll give you three dollers if you'll drink this whole bottle...and I'm telling you...to this day...It was the best eight dollars I've ever spent in New York City.
joke by kilerb	Feb 14th, 2008 07:56:53 PM
I think the biggest joke here is that they're using a picture of Vince Vaughn from 1999 for their 2008 poster. Ha!
Joke by BGDAWES	Feb 15th, 2008 06:30:44 PM
Q. What's big, red, and has egg all over it's face? A. Harry for supporting HD-DVD and here's why: http://www.joblo.com/hd-dvd-a- goner Zing!
Joke? by AnAtomicBore	Feb 16th, 2008 05:17:14 AM
Q. What do you call an anorexic with gonorrhea? A. A quarter pounder w/ cheese!
Q. What is dull, ugly and pretended to date Aniston ? by livingwater	Feb 17th, 2008 07:31:34 PM
A. something overpaid that pretends to be a redneck for cash
A woman goes in to get artificial insemination by austindad	Feb 21st, 2008 06:52:42 AM
and after she gets her feet up in the stirrups, the doctor starts taking his pants off. She says "Doctor, doctor, what the hell are you doing?" The doctor says "We're all out of bottles, you have to take a draft."
Why does Dick Cheney believe there are weapons of mass destructi by austindad	Feb 21st, 2008 06:53:50 AM
He saved the receipts.
How many New Yorkers by austindad	Feb 21st, 2008 06:56:25 AM
does it take to change a light bulb? Shut the F* up
No winner yet? Are you guy's F'n Serious?! by v1	Feb 21st, 2008 01:11:04 PM
You guys have no idea how excited I was at the possibility to win a Wild West Comedy Show hat. You've ruined my February. Oh, wait, I don't give a shit. But I do think it's pretty stupid to run a contest and not announce a winner so far after the contest ended. Kinda pedo, you know what I mean.
JOKE by Phreak9mm	Feb 21st, 2008 04:47:20 PM
Once there was a door to door salesman traveling down a lil' dusty road when he happens upon a farm house with the owner sitting on the porch sipping a glass of iced tea. Next to the farmer is a three legged pig sniffing around the ground. The salesman inquires to the farmer, "My, that's some interesting pig you have there sir. Why does it only have three legs?" The farmer snapped to attention with a look of excitement on his face and said, "This is the best darn pig in the world! He once found his way home from 50 miles away after we thought we lost him at the county fair!" Intrigued, the salesman replied, "Well that is something, but why does he only have three legs?" Then the farmer said, "Once my wife went into labor and I was out with the boys and this here pig delivered my son Jeb!" "That's amazing!, says the salesman." Once",gleefully said the farmer, "the house caught on fire and this pig dragged each of us out and saved our lives!" The shocked salesman was blown away by that information and it took him a momnet to regain his composure. Finally he spoke, "That sir, is the most gawd damned astounding, I would sell my left nut to own it, pig I have ever seen in my freakin life. But I gotta know, why does it only have three legs?" And without missing a beat the farmer shoots back, "Hell boy, a pig like this you don't eat all at once!"
livingwater by FlyinHawaiian	Feb 22nd, 2008 11:30:33 PM
You're not funny. That's why you're a garbage man and Vince Vaughn makes the big bucks.
Joke by Otter	Feb 23rd, 2008 09:02:41 AM
Three Explorers were traveling in the jungle when they were captured and knocked out by cannibals. When they came to, they were tied to stakes around a boiling pot of oil. The cannibal chief came out, wearing a tribal mask & a 3-piece suit. He told the explorers, "Welcome gentlemen! Yes, we are cannibals, but we are a civilized people. For instance, after we eat you, we will not waste any body parts: with your teeth, we will make jewelry for our women, your bones will become tools for our tribe, and with your skins, we will tan them and treat them and use them to line the inside of our canoes. But, since we are civilized, we will let you choose your form of death." The first explorer was British and said, "God Save the Queen! I will take my gun to avoid the boiling oil!" and shot himself. The second explorer was French and said, "Sacre Bleu! I will take poison to avoid the boiling oil!" He was given a poison and promptly died. The third explorer was an Italian from the Bronx. He said, "Yo Chief, I wanna FORK to do my self in, aight??" The Chief was puzzled and said, "A FORK"? The explorer said, "Yeah, clean out yer ears... a FORK!" They untied the last explorer, and gave him the fork, and he said, "Hey Dere Chief?" The Chief said "Yes?" The Italian Guy proceeded to stab himself repeatedly with the fork and said, "HERE'S YOUR FUCKING CANOESSS!!!!!"
I'm not funny, I'm serious by livingwater	Feb 23rd, 2008 09:10:23 PM
I am also not a "garbage man" so that makes "FlyinHawaiian" a LIAR....and finally I am not jealous (yes, really). I simply hate liars and egotists.
did anyone win? by Jubba	Feb 24th, 2008 11:54:04 PM
why is this site so lazy with following up on contests? this is the one big way you can give back to your readers and you take such a looooong time to do so. booo-urns
Joke by micturatingbenjamin	Feb 27th, 2008 10:32:44 AM
Q:What's the difference between Peter Pan and Michael Jackson? A: Peter Pan's the 'boy who never grew up' and Michael Jackson's a pedophile.
JOKE by Behemoth	Feb 29th, 2008 02:00:02 PM
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selection that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."
Joke. by Boris Baddenov	Mar 2nd, 2008 08:27:08 AM
Two chickens are having a chat: Chicken #1: Am I a people? Chicken #2: No, you're a chicken! Chicken #1: Do chickens come from people? Chicken #2: No, chickens come from eggs! Chicken #1: Are eggs born? Chicken #2: No, eggs are laid! Chicken #1: Are people laid? Chicken #2: No, some people are CHICKEN!
Joke. by Boris Baddenov	Mar 2nd, 2008 08:27:14 AM
Two chickens are having a chat: Chicken #1: Am I a people? Chicken #2: No, you're a chicken! Chicken #1: Do chickens come from people? Chicken #2: No, chickens come from eggs! Chicken #1: Are eggs born? Chicken #2: No, eggs are laid! Chicken #1: Are people laid? Chicken #2: No, some people are CHICKEN!
will this ever be updated? by The Dum Guy	Mar 3rd, 2008 03:10:24 PM

WHAT LINGERS LIKE THE SMELL OF BAD SEAFOOD ? by livingwater	Mar 9th, 2008 07:04:56 AM
PRINCE PRAWN'S COMPETITION
WHAT COMPETITION LINGERS LIKE THE SMELL OF BAD SEAFOOD ? by livingwater	Mar 9th, 2008 07:05:50 AM
PRINCE PRAWN'S
JOKE by woneye	Mar 9th, 2008 11:45:17 AM
A man walks into a bar, needing a drink in the worst way. The only other man sitting at the bar orders "The Special". Curious, the thirsty man asks about The Special. "Well, if you drink this stuff, it can make you fly!" With that said, the other man downs his special and leaps out of the window and then flies back inside. The thirsty man doesn't hesitate, downs the drink and leaps out of the window too. Then splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender sighs and says, "Superman, you've got to quit gettin' drunk here."
JOKE by kid_shazam	Mar 13th, 2008 09:37:50 PM
hey did you see that attic full of candy...seriously, it's an attic full of candy. that's it. you're welcome.
this contest is a joke by Jubba	Mar 15th, 2008 11:23:12 AM
did you guys not get the prizes to hand out or something?
Gotta be Quint. by NoahTall	Mar 16th, 2008 01:12:19 AM
Quint finishes his contests on time about 1 in 100 times. The rest of the time he is at least a couple months late and then makes all sorts of excuses why. I'm thinking the excuse this time will be that he got the dvd but it was defective and he's had trouble exchanging it due to lack of communication.
SOMEONE END THIS FLICKING COMPETITION by livingwater	Mar 30th, 2008 06:10:51 PM
put it out of it's misery..... ..flicking eh !
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO by Jubba	Apr 7th, 2008 08:16:34 AM
why no winner yet? somebody email the man in charge
Joke by therodg	Apr 15th, 2008 09:54:49 AM
Paddy English man, Paddy Scotch man, & Paddy Irish man are all working on a building site one Thursday when the whistle blows for lunch. The three lads perch themselves on the roof of the building they have been working on to eat their grub. Paddy English man opens his lunchbox, but to his despair he finds four ham sandwiches and says "Ham fucking sandwiches! I've been married for 20 years and everyday my wife has made me ham fucking sandwiches for lunch, i'm sick of it! If i have ham sandwiches tomorrow i'm launching myself of this roof". He then reluctantly eats his sandwiches. Paddy Scotch man opens his lunch box to find cheese sandwiches and says "Fucking cheese sandwiches! I've been married for 15 years and the wife has made me cheese fucking sandwiches everyday for lunch, i'm sick to death of them. If i have cheese sandwiches tomorrow i'll jump off this roof with ya paddy". The lads agree. Next up to open his lunchbox is Paddy Irish man, he finds a pair of spam sandwiches and says " Jesus lads i've been married for 10 years and i've had spam fucking sandwiches everyday, i'm sick off it. If i find spam in the lunchbox tomorrow i'm fucking myself off this roof with ya's!". He eats the sandwiches. Next day arrives and the lads settle down for lunch on the same spot as the day before. Paddy English man opens his lunch box to find ham sandwiches and launches himself head first off the building and hits the ground like a dart. Dead. Paddy scotch man opens his lunchbox to find cheese sandwiches, and so does the same as his comrade before him. Paddy Irish man opens his lunchbox to find spam and fucks himself off the roof. All three Dead. Day of the funerals and the wives are in pieces. Paddy English man's wife is sitting by the coffin crying hear heart saying " I didn't know my paddy didn't like Ham sandwiches, if i had've known i wouldn't have made them anymore". She's inconsolable. Paddy Scotch man's wife sobbing over the coffin says "Why didn't he tell me he didn't like them ? I'm so sorry Paddy". Paddy Irish man's wife sitting by the coffin of her dead husband says "stupid bastard makes his own fucking sandwiches!". P.S. I'm irish (from Belfast), so no dissing me for putting on an irish joke ! :P
OMG, I won. by thebearovingian	May 4th, 2008 08:00:54 PM
I had lost all hope but now I can live again.
Whoa, I just read some of these "jokes" by thebearovingian	May 4th, 2008 08:41:56 PM
What a bunch of sick fucks. Seriously, most of these jokes are despicable. You should be ashamed of yourselves. I'm ashamed to have even read this shit.
Joke by ColeyCole	May 9th, 2008 02:25:09 AM
2 Black guys and a Mexican are in a car. Who's driving? ...the cops
Joke by ColeyCole	May 9th, 2008 02:45:35 AM
3 midgets live in an apartment. One has small hands, one has small feet, and one has a small a penis. The one with small hands says, " You know, I have pretty small hands. Maybe I will try to get in the Guiness Book of World Records." The one with small hands follows suit by saying how small his hands are. Again, followed by the one with the small penis saying he too will try to get into the record books. The next day they show up to the records office for their measurements. The small handed fellow goes in and shortly after comes out. He waves his hands and claps them together saying," Whoo hoo, I have the smallest hands in the world." The small footed one goes in and then shortly after comes out. He says," Whoo hoo, I have the smallest feet in the world." The one with the small penis says," Well guys, wish me luck." and goes inside and shortly after comes out, looking disappointed and shaking his head. The other two ask what's wrong and the third replies," Who in the hell is (insert name of who joke is on)? Har Har
Joke by ColeyCole	May 9th, 2008 02:51:20 AM
oops, I mentioned feet twice. Crap, failure.
v v w w joke by punkraucous	May 9th, 2008 11:10:41 PM
best joke is this contest, you get a gift bag and a baseball cap? if you need free shampoo and a hat just go to supercuts. i met a girl at the beach, she had a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh. when i put my ear to it i could smell the ocean. how do you know asians have moved to your neighborhood? when the mexicans buy auto insurance. how do you know a frenchman has moved into your neighborhood? when your trash cans are empty, and your dog is pregnant.
I don't like jokes, I don't think they're funny... by Batutta	May 12th, 2008 08:23:30 PM
...is from what tv show?
Joke by truedog67	May 14th, 2008 08:42:31 PM
A Native Indian boy is standing outside with his grandfather. He turns to his grandfather and asks, "Grandpa, we all have such interesting names, I was wondering how we get them." His grandfather turns to him and says, "It is tradition that the two first beautiful things in nature we see after the birth is where we take the name, like Fighting Bear, Running Wolf, why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking?"
I feel like that chick in "Aliens" who was a resident of the bas by heyscot	May 16th, 2008 09:24:41 AM
and she's plastered against the wall, and she wakes up and says "Killllll meeeeeeee! KILLLL MEEEEEEEEEE!!" and then the alien tears out of her chest. Except I just have this unending competition instead of an alien.
The movie has come and gone. by heyscot	May 16th, 2008 09:26:13 AM
Is "Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy Tour" out on DVD already?
People have impregnated other people and had babies by heyscot	May 16th, 2008 09:27:09 AM
. . .in the time that this contest has been running.
JOKE by YoungFilmJunkie	May 19th, 2008 04:12:06 PM
A man walks into the bar and takes a seat next to an old Irish man. The Irish man, who has evidently had too much to drink, looks at the man who just sat at the table. "You see that big wall out there, through the window?" the Irish Man asks. "I built that with my own two hands, but they don't call me McGregor the Wall builder." The young man keeps listening. "You see that large castle over there? Yeah, I built that too, but they don't call me McGregor the Castle builder." The man continues to look on, and the Irish man says, "You see that bridge way over there on the river. It took me 3 weeks to build that bridge alone, but they don't call me McGregor the bridge builder..... but you fuck one goat."
It's five days later. . . by heyscot	May 21st, 2008 03:21:04 PM
and there has only been one post made since my last one. I feel alone. Is there anybody out there?
hello? by The Dum Guy	May 31st, 2008 04:31:54 AM

Hey Orcus by heyscot	Jun 1st, 2008 11:16:50 AM
Did you see Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy Show? I didn't. And also, what's one of your favorite movies? And why do you think they're taking so long with this contest?
british name for a vagina joke by deepee	Jun 2nd, 2008 01:33:30 PM
what do a maxi-pad and a tampon say when they walk down the street? nothing...they're both stuck-up cunts!
irish joke by deepee	Jun 2nd, 2008 01:36:07 PM
paddy o'shaughnasy is in a bar and his mate murphy comes running in: "paddy, somebody just stole your car from the car park!". Paddy shouts "jesus. did you get a look at the man?" to which murphy replies "no, but i took down the registration"...
pope joke by deepee	Jun 2nd, 2008 01:41:37 PM
an american goes to the vatican as the pope is meeting the people for the first time in many years. the american wants to make a good impresison and hopefully get to speak to the pope and so he buys a new Armani suit for a couple thousand $$. Standing in line, he sees the pope making his way towards him. The pope walks straight past the yank and stops next to a tramp. He bends down and whispers in the tramp's ear before walking off to the popemobile. the american is not impressed. he goes over to the tramp and says, "how would you like my suit?" the tramp jumps at the chance of a change of clothes and the two men swap. The american, now wearing the tramp's outfit feels he'll definately get to speak with the pope tomorrow. Next day, the pope makes his way down the line and sure enough he walks straight past the tramp (who is in the Armani suit)and straight over the american in the tramp's clothes. The pope bends down and whispers in his ear: "i thought i told you to fuck off yesterday..."
I'm declaring myself the winner by BadMrWonka	Jun 4th, 2008 06:43:01 PM
my joke above was pretty funny, and I don't even want the prize. I just want someone with a black box to say "BadMrWonka is the winner, congratulations!" I win!!
Harry, just say it by Outlaw	Jun 5th, 2008 04:22:14 AM
Vince Vaughn's crew were alarmed at all the pervs you have on this site and decided not to partake in the contest!
donkey joke by GJCOLMAN	Jun 5th, 2008 09:44:39 AM
Two Hillbillies leaning up against a broken tractor in a field with nothing to do. One says to the Other "wanna play 20 questions" and the Other says "I reckon". The one decides that the word he's thinking of is 'donkeydick' so he writes it on his hand and says "ok go". The other thinks for a second and asks "can you eat it" and the one thinks real hard for a second, shrugs and says "sure, I guess if'n you really wanted to..." The other ponders for a second and then asks "hmmmm, is it donkey dick?"
hey orcus by heyscot	Jun 8th, 2008 12:30:23 AM
Sorry for the lapse in responding. . .I've been busy. I got a new job in Florida (I live in Chicago) and I'm planning the move. . .woo! I'm pretty excited. My wife is already down there, so I'm looking forward to moving on to the next chapter of my life. I thought Star Wars was an amazing movie too. . .I was 6 when I saw it and I'll never forget the feeling I got when I watched it. I also loved Empire and Jedi too. Did you see Iron Man? Indy 4? I'm looking forward to seeing Hulk next, but my main geek movie of the summer will be Dark Knight I think.
They moved this contest off the main page. by heyscot	Jun 21st, 2008 07:35:56 PM
I'm so depressed.
I won! by matalo	Jun 26th, 2008 02:43:58 PM
DING
Hey Orcus by heyscot	Jul 1st, 2008 05:32:02 PM
I recently rented the DVD for Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy Show. It was pretty good. It was sort of like a documentary of these comics and it had some funny bits to it. It was more just a light chronicle of their trip and the comics themselves than, say, an in-depth look at how they come up with their material or something. I recommend it.
I'll eventually catch it via netflix by just pillow talk	Jul 2nd, 2008 09:46:02 AM

You refer to yourself in the third person? by heyscot	Jul 3rd, 2008 01:12:10 PM
Heyscot respects that.
Hey I had pneumonia by heyscot	Aug 1st, 2008 01:38:58 PM
I had pneumonia and they gave me a CT scan, then said I had abnormalities in my right lung. Then they had me do a PET scan, and said I had abnormalities in my right lung and that my lymph nodes were enlarged and that it could be from infection or cancer. Then they did a biopsy on my lymph nodes and my right lung (a week ago yesterday) and I tested negative for cancer, lymphoma, leukemia, and tuberculosis. So now I'm back and I'm better than ever but I'm still surprised that there has been no resolution to Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy Show content.
JOKE by CarmillaVonDoom	Aug 8th, 2008 04:37:48 PM
This contest.
Wait, have you all heard that one before? by CarmillaVonDoom	Aug 8th, 2008 04:38:15 PM
Who the fuck won???
The answer to who won. by NoahTall	Aug 23rd, 2008 08:11:04 PM
Quint declared himself the winner and kept the prize package.
Hmmmph by DonnieDorko	Sep 21st, 2008 02:11:54 PM
Will the contest end while Vince Vaughn is still alive? 2009, 2010, whaaaaaaaaat?
Even the ghosts have settled down and moved on by Orcus	Sep 22nd, 2008 09:46:23 AM

TUMBLEWEED ROLLS ACROSS SCREEN by Bob Loblaw Law Blog	Sep 25th, 2008 01:37:25 AM
Nothing to see here.
Yep, kid, back in the days this here be a joke contest by Orcus	Sep 25th, 2008 08:23:23 AM
thread. Now it is a shell of it's former self
I'm still in the running for this motherfucker, folks. by heyscot	Nov 15th, 2008 10:30:38 AM
As long as my heart beats, I will be here, you magnificent bastards.
I got a lot of good stuff for Christmas, but. . . by heyscot	Dec 30th, 2008 10:35:21 AM
I didn't get a winner to Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy Show joke contest yet.

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