What a tool.

Come on, you know he has a big nasty one.

you talk alot about these hot girls but you don't mention how the direction is, the performances, Kristin Bell, etc. And you know what I love most movies, there are very few movies I downright loathe, but I can always find good things and bad things in a movie even in my most loathed movie of all time, Patch Adams. I can point to some great effects and some decent acting from Shia Lebauf in Transformers while at the same time talking about the lack of robots, the dry humping on Bumblebee, etc in the same breath in Transformers. There are NO perfect movies, tell us WHY this movie is so good (i.e. Jorge Garcia is great as Harry {this is the movie where the fat guy from LOST plays Harry right?}, Kristin Bell really sold her part, most of th ejokes worked but these jokes didn't work) those are just some suggestions

As if I needed one more reason to tip my cap to K-Bell. :)

1) You say you like watching Star Wars movies but aren't a fan, yet have no idea what the "symbol of the Rebel Alliance" even means.

2) "I absolutely LOVED this film. LOVED. This is going to be one of those films that will become a cult hit."

3) "I found myself laughing nearly every minute the film was playing."

4) "I won't post any spoilers, I don't see the point. Just go see it. This film is good. Real good."

5) "Perfect movie. I wouldn't change a thing. I cannot wait for this to come out on dvd. This is one I will watch over and over. With fanboys and nonfanboys. And girls." Wow, you mean it won't just appeal to fanboys but that EVERYONE should go see it?

6) "They laughed and told me something about how you can't polish the force. I don't even know what that means..." That's because no real fan would ever utter a contextual non-sequitur like that.

7) "These are girls who turn heads when they walk into a room. And if I didn't know them myself, I wouldn't believe they existed." So I guess good-looking people don't have to worry that they'll be stuck in a theater with coke-bottle-bespectacled nerds and fat, sweaty geeks.

8) You've never posted on AICN before.

I thought you guys were here to learn how to deal with us? Why is it that we can serve you countless tips and hints on how to be believable geeks with us, yet you fail every single time? Just how far down do the depths of your stupidity go?

Attention clueless film studio: fire these incompetent marketing fucks and hire me. These people are far too fucking imbecillic to walk upright much less sway the geek contingent. Hook me up and I'll bring it home for you.

Absolute horseshit and you know it. It has nothing to do with liking or disliking something. This is your cardinal marketing sin: believing that we're dumber than you are.

Go fuck yourself, Solo, you condescending, whorish cretin.

What a surprise.

Again, you're too stupid to have the job you have. It has fuck all to do with whether you like or dislike a movie. The tells are all in the delivery, the lingo, the sad failed attempts to blend in and the marketing touchpoints "subtly" referenced in an effort to lure as broad a crowd as possible.

Also, you would have us believe that you never post here because all we do is bitch and moan, yet the first thing you do after attending a screening is post a "review" here on AICN? And then jump in to defend it afterwards?

By the way, I must once again point out your laughable and phony story about the two hot fangirls who said "you can't polish the Force." There is not one single talkbacker, Star Wars fan or not, who would for an instant believe that fans dedicated enough to tattoo rebel symbols on their bodies would say something as asinine and nonsensical as that.

You're simply a liar and a plant, Solo, and a failure at both.

Now fuck off.

Perhaps you should look up "satire" before you claim to have employed it. You lied, plain and simple, and got busted. What you attempted was a ludicrous form of shorthand, a "pidgin geekese" if you will, thinking we'd be too thick to know any different, but it blew up in your face like an ACME cigar making you look like a complete ass-pickle.

I know what happened, son. See, you had been following the plant-demolishing on this site for a while now and reckoned you had us figured out. I'll bet you even bragged to your fellow marketing teammates that you'd slay us big time and to just sit back and watch a master at work.

Wow, I can't even begin to imagine the humiliation you must be going through right now. If it's any consolation, I'm sure your buds are gauging their odds right now, thinking maybe they can learn from your pathetic failure and succeed where you did not. Rest assured, they are as fucking stupid as you are and will be as grotesquely eviscerated as you were. When that happens, maybe your pain will ease.

Hey, Mr. Weinstein and Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, I don't know if this film is any good or not, but your plants suck hobo balls. Dump these losers, look me up in the Zone and maybe we can work something out, yes?

It would have been enough to say that you watch Star Wars and like it, but that you aren't a big fan. Instead, you had to embellish and add that you didn't know what the hell a "symbol of the Rebel Alliance even is". You could have just said that you went to see it with two fan girls, hot or not, and not made up the shit about their tattoos and that cringeworthy lightsaber line. You fabricated a story about these people using your very tenuous grasp on the subculture, thinking its members would be too stupid to know the difference and that you could use the story to lure both geeks and mainstreamers to the theaters.

You're trying to have the cake and eat it too, but you're failing horribly.

The least you could do is take your lumps like a man and learn something from it.

What a fucking loser.

I never said you had to know ANYTHING about Star Wars, but don't fucking claim that you know hot chicks who are identically rebel-tattooed Star Wars freaks called "Donna" and "Shannon" (Real Doll names, I'd wager) and then proceed to make them sound like people who know less about Star Wars than you do.

There is nothing farfetched about going to previews. I lived in NYC and went to them on numerous occasions.

Like a talkbacker earlier observed, you've had every opportunity to address the tells you have been accused of, but since you have a strict professional framework within which to operate, you can't. You concocted a ludicrous fable thinking it would appeal to SW fans and the casual moviegoer alike and it failed.

The sooner you accept this the sooner you can learn from it and move on.

I can't wait to see your next "review".

Well, "Donna", I didn't want to attack you for your first hideously obvious post ("From the music to the cameos to the story predicaments it is a treasure for the Star Wars lover!!! I CANNOT wait to own this on DVD and it hasn't even been released yet!!") because it seemed about as sportsmanlike as hunting down and kicking a quadruple-amputee dachshund to death. However, since you insist on intervening on Solo's behalf, let's see what else you've posted on AICN, shall we?

Well, it seems you've only posted one item before, yesterday, in a BSG talkback:

"I'm damn curious and can't wait for this season to start! Last season folks (VERY SAD!) and it's gonna be balls to the wall riveting!!! I think the prequel is a good idea to give BSG freaks like me more to absorb and enjoy but I'm READY READY for the new season and I'm excited. Who can the last cylon be? Any thoughts?... Theories?"

Even disregarding the goonish, marketing ejacu-speak, isn't it the slightest bit odd that a self-confessed "BSG freak" who is "READY READY" for the new season had nothing else to say? How about some of your own theories? Or even discussing it further at all?

Perhaps you should heed your own advice to Solo and "Let it be! Lay off and quite making an ass of yourself trying to explain."

Maybe next time, eh?

Otherwise this whole thing becomes transparently obvious and laughable.

Geek porn fantasy? Naahhh... couldn't be. Perish the thought!

Doc, you are fucking hilarious. Keep up the good work.

I would also like to nominate myself as a plant- I've got impeccable AICN credentials, understand the subculture, and can write reasonably coherently.

I'd certainly be better than the last few dickheads that have tried.

We'd be foliage for hire, lending our services to any studio, distributer, screenwriter or hack needing an edge in the geek community.

We'd make a fucking killing.