Home Cool News Coaxial Reviews Zone Chat Contact Us Sign in

Talkbacks

FIST!!
by BilboFatwa
Dec 17th, 2007
09:57:27 PM
I'm fist... and I haven't even read the review yet!
It's a whale
by MC-909
Dec 17th, 2007
09:59:09 PM
A giant muthafuckin' whale I tells ya.
Yes.
by Nordling
Dec 17th, 2007
09:59:11 PM
Thank you, Neill.
wow
by dirkadirkadirka
Dec 17th, 2007
10:03:17 PM
pussy that eats YOU out
Think its a lunatic
by Bigstadder
Dec 17th, 2007
10:03:50 PM
But Neill's got balls (love his use of langauge). Should be interesting...
Cumpston provides the best reviews
by DeCypher44
Dec 17th, 2007
10:04:30 PM
Neill, awsome as always. If they don't use "this movie is like a pussy that eats YOU out", then THEY fail.
BOO YAAAAAAAAA
by Lamerz
Dec 17th, 2007
10:04:41 PM
Will it be good, or will it suck?
WTF?
by classyfredblassy
Dec 17th, 2007
10:04:56 PM
Is that dude snorting crazy glue? Any normal person see it at this screening that could tell us about it?
Brilliant
by theisson
Dec 17th, 2007
10:06:11 PM
Way to go, AICN...
by Pennsy
Dec 17th, 2007
10:08:00 PM
Truly. Can't. Wait.
To quote:
by TrumpyEatsPotatoes
Dec 17th, 2007
10:08:47 PM
"...the movie heard you calling it a pussy so it puts on its dick-stomping boots and then surprises your dick with a punch from a fist wearing a cock-punch glove."
I've read that sentence six times and I still can't comprehend it.
Doesn't mean it's not good, though.
Joe Bob is that you?
by rhett beavers
Dec 17th, 2007
10:09:20 PM
Either Joe Bob moved to El Lay or he must have not someone up and had his mutant son. Awesome review.
...
by rhett beavers
Dec 17th, 2007
10:09:54 PM
knocked...
a pussy that eats YOU out
by RevSam
Dec 17th, 2007
10:10:56 PM
oh goodness yes what a concept
Terrible review
by Dwide Shrewd
Dec 17th, 2007
10:12:13 PM
Try actually reviewing a movie sometime in the future, rather than seeing how many cock references you can cram into your text.

You could do some good work if you stopped TRYING so fucking hard. You just end up sounding like a studio plant who was hired to sound hip and EVER-SO-CAREFULLY irreverent.

Mix in some film savvy to go with all of your hyperbole and dick jokes.

CLOVERFIELD MONSTER! IT BLOOOOOOOWS!
by mutiny33
Dec 17th, 2007
10:13:13 PM
http://aycu14.webshots.com/ima ge/34893/2001230418515999011_r s.jpg
RE: "Is this the review of a raving lunatic?"
by SkidMarkedUndies
Dec 17th, 2007
10:14:55 PM
No, FuckMichaelBay, it is the review of a raving Patton Oswalt.
KATHY GRIFFIN'S VAGINA = FAT WHALE LIKE
by mutiny33
Dec 17th, 2007
10:16:21 PM
JUST LIKE CLOVERFIELD MONSTER: http://aycu14.webshots.com/ima ge/34893/2001230418515999011_r s.jpg
like a pussy that eats you out
by kafka07
Dec 17th, 2007
10:17:40 PM
mind-blowingly awesome.
blowingly
by kafka07
Dec 17th, 2007
10:18:01 PM
heheh
Going to be good
by DDillustration
Dec 17th, 2007
10:18:39 PM
This, and the Dark Knight The most anticipated movies of 08, thus far.
Neill
by toshiro-solo
Dec 17th, 2007
10:19:48 PM
I've missed you. For anyone unfamiliar, do a site search of his name, sit back, and behold the spectacle that is the collected reviews of Neill Cumpston. Nothing online has ever made me laugh harder than the first time I read his Matrix: Revolutions review. Seriously, if you haven't read the rest of his stuff, you're missing out.
crimminay sikes
by Bloo
Dec 17th, 2007
10:20:26 PM
I know AICN gets new viewers every day, but comeon, Niel's a regular reviwer around here, who is as SkidMarkedUndies already pointed out, is Patton Oswalt. It's like you guys have no sense of humor or are just stupid, why does Talkback sometimes bring out the idiot in people and I don't mean the troll idot but just the plain stupid.

BTw I remember Niel's mom reviwed a movie once and speculation was that iwas Sarah Silverman, was it her, or someone else, I belive the review was for Pirates 2 or Spiderman 3 or something

January movies
by MC-909
Dec 17th, 2007
10:20:51 PM
Let's not forget this is being released in January. What were some other good January releases?
How much did J.J. Abrams pay Harry for this review?
by Nate Champion
Dec 17th, 2007
10:25:24 PM
I'm actually thinking that Harry plays the fucking monster, Serkis-stylie.
Man.
by Dollar Bird
Dec 17th, 2007
10:27:05 PM
I gots to get me one of them cock-punching gloves.
I appreciate the fact he doesn't like customers...
by The Dum Guy
Dec 17th, 2007
10:27:10 PM
I hate 'em to.

so urm when did the uni-bomber
by palewook
Dec 17th, 2007
10:27:13 PM
start doing reviews for aicn?
funniest thing about his reviews
by waggy
Dec 17th, 2007
10:27:54 PM
the talkbackers criticizing him when he's satirizing harry's reviews. they're like music critics are a spinal tap show.
Neill rocks
by Bob of the Shire
Dec 17th, 2007
10:28:20 PM
Can't wait for this movie now. This review pretty much confirms the movie as awesome.
(grumble) edit button (grumble)
by waggy
Dec 17th, 2007
10:29:49 PM
music critics AT a spinal tap show
Is it that bad for The Rat...
by LordEnigma
Dec 17th, 2007
10:29:53 PM
he has to work at a freakin Starbucks now? Damn writers strike!
Cormac McCarthy
by freerangecelt
Dec 17th, 2007
10:32:07 PM
all hail your successor! Loved the review, and the word play!
Fat splooged-upon babies
by Zeke25:17
Dec 17th, 2007
10:44:02 PM
...will be the new AICN catchphrase. Or if not, will serve to describe many of its posters.
IT'S STAYPUFT THE MARSHMALLOW MAN
by Pipple
Dec 17th, 2007
10:46:57 PM
that's where they got the camera from, someone at the end of gb1
That was the best...
by PirateEmery
Dec 17th, 2007
10:51:13 PM
...review I've ever read. EVER.
2 Girls 1 Cup = Yummy Shit!
by VanGoghX
Dec 17th, 2007
10:51:55 PM
Sick man... just... plain sick.
neill, stop trying so hard.
by ironic_name
Dec 17th, 2007
10:52:41 PM
Hmmmm...
by EdmundoDupont
Dec 17th, 2007
10:54:47 PM
Really enjoyed the review. However, didn't Cloverfield receive a PG-13 rating. I'm not sure how different the MPAA rating system is to the Australian rating system, but this really doesn't seem like a review for a PG-13 film.
Neil goes apeshit
by Admiral_Benson
Dec 17th, 2007
10:58:40 PM
I like his title better. I hope it's accurate. So can we confirm that mathew broderick is going to save everyone with fish? Thats what happens right?
War of the Worlds
by enderandrew
Dec 17th, 2007
10:58:51 PM
I know everyone only focuses on the end, but for about an hour, War of the Worlds really was incredible. The savage and raw destruction really had me reeling. It was a vicious movie. If Cloverfield can match that intensity and terror, yet finish strong, I'll be a very happy camper.
Talk about cult of personality...
by Sledge Hammer
Dec 17th, 2007
11:03:04 PM
..."wow he can swear, and do so while telling you absolutely nothing in his review...he's so cool. And Mad TV and King Of Queens were the bomb, yo!". Yeah, whatever.
Not insightful, informative or even funny at all
by Guy Who Got A Headache And Accidentally Saves The World
Dec 17th, 2007
11:08:45 PM
I'm not sure what the point was of the review, I learned absolutely nothing of the film, the least he could have done was wrote an entertaining review but he didn't even do that either.
I probably won't see this. Unless I hear really good things.
by Buckys_Kick_Ass_Arm
Dec 17th, 2007
11:12:36 PM
Just not interested.
Not funny. Not informative.
by jrbarker
Dec 17th, 2007
11:16:00 PM
Just plain shitty. I can't believe Moriarty would run a worthless piece of shit like this "review".
but was it... AWESOME???
by br1947
Dec 17th, 2007
11:16:24 PM
too many words...
It's already screened
by Bob of the Shire
Dec 17th, 2007
11:18:43 PM
Did you not catch that wave of reviews AICN had a few days ago? The film is finished and you're just pissed because Neill's review ravaged your vagina in irreparable ways.
Greatest. Review. Ever.
by Crimson King
Dec 17th, 2007
11:19:58 PM
Period.
Mutiny-33
by MetiphisLabs
Dec 17th, 2007
11:20:14 PM
When are people going to stop posting that fan art speculation picture of what the monster looks like? It's not from the movie!!
I HAVE A PHAT COCK
by THE KNIGHT
Dec 17th, 2007
11:20:47 PM
am i right haters, or am i right!
subliminal homo review
by ftlskins
Dec 17th, 2007
11:22:20 PM
Cock, Cock-Punch, Cock-fuck.....you're like the little kid in "Superbad" with a cock obsession....at least he was funny. Please come out of the closet...we see you hiding behind the shoes doing sit-ups with your shirt off!!
Cue Godzilla for the sequel
by aboriginal
Dec 17th, 2007
11:24:51 PM
I'm getting flashes of 12 Monkeys from this dude's reviewgasm. Jeez . . . more flowery prose than a Louie Lamour novel and David "Fucking" Mamet combined. Still can't beat chocolate dipped pussy juice tho'.
No wonder this guy works at....
by Lance2769
Dec 17th, 2007
11:29:54 PM
Wetzel Pretezel. He's sounds like an uneducated, toke smoking, skater straight out of 'Half Baked'. I bet he had his skater buddies who work the concession stand at the theatre sneak him into this 'sneek peek.' All joking aside - I can't wait to see this movie based on the 5 minute scene that was posted on this site over the weekend AND NOT based on this knucklehead's "review". Moriarty, this retarded email you got is not something you should be getting "giddy" about unless you're one of his buddies who helped sneak him in.
The funniest thing about this review....
by Riley Martin
Dec 17th, 2007
11:32:01 PM
is knowing that it's coming from some skinny nerd who's online persona is someone from The Sopranos.
NO movie can live up to THAT review!
by Womb2dooM
Dec 17th, 2007
11:36:52 PM
Brilliant! This review entertained the hell out of me and has me gagging at the chops to see this movie more then the no-advertising advertising that is, at this point, more popular then the film will ever be! Unless the entertaining review was actually correct about its brilliantness... Uh...
indie movie characters getting eaten and mutilated before they c
by Sir Loin
Dec 17th, 2007
11:42:49 PM
LOL YES...die, hipsters! I'm guessing they had fashionably-toussled hair and square-framed glasses and iPhones, so the fact that the monster snacks on them is enough for me to buy a ticket. And they probably were concerned about the monster's carbon footprint. Just die already.
Neill's reviews make my day.
by ShoNuff86
Dec 17th, 2007
11:46:48 PM
ignore the trashtalk Neill, your reviews are always welcome. "a pussy that eats you out" will never get old.
I love Neill, and was excited..
by Negator76
Dec 17th, 2007
11:47:10 PM
..until I read his POSITIVE review of Matrix Reloaded. I ass vomits better shit than that movie. I think I'll go back to masturbating to the Dark Knight prologue now...
sounfs a little like a live-action legend of the overfiend
by flipster
Dec 17th, 2007
11:47:12 PM
now that shit rocked - doubt yankee crap can compare but Cumstain perhaps can let us know - have you seen legend of the overfiend (the single movie or trilogy?) and is this close to a live-action version?
I'm so happy the monster eats annoying NY hipsters
by Rindain
Dec 17th, 2007
11:47:43 PM
Long live CLoverfield Whale/Lion/Voltron/Godzilla/wh ateveritis Monster! I hate those fucking hipsters who think the world ends past Manhattan.
Fer Fuck Sakes!!!
by sidestepper
Dec 17th, 2007
11:48:14 PM
Hey humorless retards, why are you even here?
I'm glad the one-laptop-per-child program is taking off
by Executor
Dec 17th, 2007
11:52:07 PM
The only drawback is a lot more posters in talkbacks and comments who don't understand things. Maybe parody, sarcasm, and comedy will come to your country in the next food drop. But thank you for your whiny comments.

p.s. Great review Neill.

Circle the funny parts, I'm not seeing them
by Guy Who Got A Headache And Accidentally Saves The World
Dec 17th, 2007
11:52:27 PM
Really, what part of that review was in any way humorous or would "make your day" by reading it? I could get more entertainment out of reading someone's Law & Order fan fiction.
Executor
by Guy Who Got A Headache And Accidentally Saves The World
Dec 17th, 2007
11:56:53 PM
You want parody, sarcasm or comedy in your review look up a man called fucking VERN. There wasn't a single thing in this review that was either funny or informative about the movie at all. Are you just buddies with this guy or what? Maybe you also find Kevin Smith movies funny too, even though they're just Wayans brothers comedies with Star Wars jokes added in. "fuck yeah saw movie about a giant pussy monster fucking up douche bags in new york, rocketsteelhelldog fuck yeah vagina" Yeah, that's amazingly hilarious material.
Why don't people get this?
by jabbayoda
Dec 18th, 2007
12:03:38 AM
Cumpston is the anti-critic. He's entertaining first, and authoritative and informative a distant and irrelevant second. The fucks who are complaining about this review "not saying anything" are the same fucks who complain if reviewers' opinions differ from their own. Who gives a fuck what a reviewer says? Does it really make any difference? Neill is hilarious. The end.
What's his appeal?
by RobertBaron
Dec 18th, 2007
12:03:59 AM
Damn you Michael Bay
by MCMLXXVI
Dec 18th, 2007
12:05:11 AM
Damn you Michael Bay
Waggy got it right
by jigsaw
Dec 18th, 2007
12:24:27 AM
Maybe this isn't the best talkback to be familiarizing yourself with AICN, kiddos. This review is tits, and if you're curious of its origins, go back and read Harry's Blade 2 review.
"Rob, I saw it. It's apeshit."
by Det. John Kimble
Dec 18th, 2007
12:26:27 AM
guy behind hollywood's viral marketing interview
by robertplant
Dec 18th, 2007
12:29:11 AM
found here pretty interesting stuff indeed! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v =6NlVE1qy_WM
he
by Zozma
Dec 18th, 2007
12:29:31 AM
didnt say...well, much of anything
WORST. REVIEW. EVER.
by Bill Clay
Dec 18th, 2007
12:44:42 AM
Really, is this how far this site has fallen? The incoherent ramblings of a strung-out junkie qualify know as a review?
I love Wetzel's Pretzels
by Bagheera
Dec 18th, 2007
01:05:22 AM
Auntie Anne's can suck it.
I saw it! It's...
by AragornElfstone
Dec 18th, 2007
01:07:40 AM
a Rambaldi monster!
Pleasure, as always, to read you "Neil"...
by fight this generation
Dec 18th, 2007
01:09:14 AM
"It’s like the Iraq War and Hurricane Katrina and Kathy Griffin’s vagina combined and turned into a giant murder-beast and it’s hungry for every hip person in Manhattan."

but what of the snooty Brooklyn hipster-douchebags?!?
Humorless Nerds
by Fat and Curious
Dec 18th, 2007
01:11:12 AM
The best parts about this review are the attempts by unfunny troglodytes to mock it. I pissed myself when I first read the words "Kick you in the balls and eat out your girlfriend". I hope the monster bears no resemblance to any mythical Japanese monsters or any other various fanboy beasts with unpronounceable names.
Like a pussy that eats YOU out
by bluebottle
Dec 18th, 2007
01:12:12 AM
fucking classic.
Here's my review.........
by Lashlarue
Dec 18th, 2007
01:14:58 AM
wejnwoinvcweoe;hnrf;ijwe wlwksjcvwkjnwmn kwknecwijasdc ib qwkdfwkejcnbwKC WAIJCBW;ICFPQW8UI NIYHBygbihbb iHBlj v UBOJ; g ;8ytfvcLJ H V uJHK;Ilgv LUGQDQWEDH aMNA.p,p.APCOSWUFQ

ekjwiefiq hei qwd9iwqehui

ihwebwebwegfwie fwin

It makes about as much sense as Neil's reviews.

Ahhh that hit the spot
by zillabeast
Dec 18th, 2007
01:17:25 AM
I'm jazzed, now.
Wait! This isn't about Voltron?
by The Dum Guy
Dec 18th, 2007
01:20:51 AM
My goobersnatch, I can't believe a whole-half of a year has gone by...
all I want for christmas
by palinode
Dec 18th, 2007
01:22:39 AM
is a pussy thats eat ME out.
Can anyone confirm that Neil Cumpston is actually Patton Oswalt?
by jackprice
Dec 18th, 2007
01:22:49 AM
Neill MUST review "Teeth"...
by fight this generation
Dec 18th, 2007
01:23:20 AM
The vagina that chews YOU out!
Ganu
by MC-909
Dec 18th, 2007
01:23:27 AM
Is the name of a festival celebrated where?

Wales. No shit.

Eff this crab shit. It's a whale.

this movie will not make money
by joeelliott
Dec 18th, 2007
01:23:30 AM
i believe this is JJ's way of turning 9-11 into a buck. The Japanese did this with Gojira and the bomb, so now he thinks he can repeat their success. Not a chance in hell. The whale monster looks terrible and people (save fanboys) will not wait in line or rush to a theatre to see a mockumentry.
Fuckin' smart ass reviewer!
by Poloboy
Dec 18th, 2007
01:37:40 AM
Grow up, man. Stop with all the smart ass comments that are not clever. I could barely get thru the review. Who cares about all the pretzels, etc., just talk about the movie. Must be a young smart ass kid. I did enjoy the person who was on the panel and gave a long, but informative, review.
HANDS FUCKIN DOWN
by Kingdaddy
Dec 18th, 2007
01:38:45 AM
the FUNNIEST line I've ever read on AICN. "the movie heard you calling it a pussy so it puts on its dick-stomping boots and then surprises your dick with a punch from a fist wearing a cock-punch glove." May be the first time I ever really thought about ROFLMAO.
So if Neill is Patton...
by fight this generation
Dec 18th, 2007
01:43:44 AM
then one can presume Patton did some cock-punch-up work on the script?
If Jay from Clerks and the fat kid from Superbad...
by Heckles
Dec 18th, 2007
01:44:45 AM
...shit out a kid, and that kid wrote a movie 'review', then we get this Neil person. Still better than Harry's 25 cent review.
Lashlarue- now that's funny
by Heckles
Dec 18th, 2007
01:45:52 AM
Excellence.
NEILL! He be illin', man!
by Zardoz
Dec 18th, 2007
01:54:32 AM
Sweet, sweet review as always, Neill. I know a movie will rock when it gets a positive review from him. "...like Georgia Rule with a peppermint cock in it's ass." Pure poetry, I tell ya...
Just a quick question...
by EdmundoDupont
Dec 18th, 2007
02:09:57 AM
Would the movie that Neill has written about really get a PG13 rating?
There are two kinds of people on this talkback
by jigsaw
Dec 18th, 2007
02:11:23 AM
People who understand what Neill is doing, and people who should never be allowed to vote.
READ BETWEEN THE LINES
by Derek Wildstarr
Dec 18th, 2007
02:14:08 AM
if you don't know of the legendary reviewer neill cumpston then you must have started reading aicn yesterday. know that his reviews are satirical and yet incredibly well thought out. read what he wrote, i gained a lot from this review.
i understand
by soup74
Dec 18th, 2007
02:16:16 AM
the "joke." ive been coming to aicn since year one. its just really not that clever. i hope that neill isnt patton oswald, because i love his stand up, but this reeks of trying to hard.
Oh no, the Vern wannabe is back!
by DerLanghaarige
Dec 18th, 2007
02:17:47 AM
:P
Hello there!
by DocPazuzu
Dec 18th, 2007
02:23:49 AM
And welcome to your first day on AICN!

Hang on... phone's ringing.

.....

Um, it was your sense of humor calling. It told me to tell you it's over between you and to go fuck yourselves.

It's not that we don't understand "the joke"...
by Sledge Hammer
Dec 18th, 2007
02:33:46 AM
...it's that "the joke" isn't even remotely funny to anyone with an iq above freezing point. It's just more of the same try hard predicatble fast patter too-hip bullshit that is flooding every corner of the net these days. Yeah, how very cutting edge. And the fact that people are calling this "the funniest thing I've read all day/year/EVER!" just goes to show that the sooner we become extinct as a species the better. But hey, go back and enjoy, if that's the flavour that you fuck to, I'm sure it'll be just as "cunt-poundingly awesome funny" the thirteenth time through as it was the first twelve. And hey, I think there's a back to back Pauly Shore and Carrot Top marathon on later too, so this just might be the best day ever!
Apparently, Sledge...
by DocPazuzu
Dec 18th, 2007
02:36:05 AM
...you DON'T get the joke because the fucktards you mentioned ARE the ones Neill's making fun of. Fuck, I feel dirty and tainted just having to spell this out to you. Christ...
Probably could've been a decent review if you didn't try so hard
by ScottsWillie
Dec 18th, 2007
02:38:47 AM
Wow, you can cuss. Do you stay up past your bedtime, look at national geographic boobies and unscrew salt shakers at resaurants, also? Man, I'd hate to run into you in a dark alley. Language like that? You have got to be one tough SOB.
Hey ScottsWillie...
by DocPazuzu
Dec 18th, 2007
02:40:41 AM
...here's a tip:

Try reading the TB before actually posting.

Thanks
by ScottsWillie
Dec 18th, 2007
02:43:46 AM
I'd rather get tips face to face but I do appreciate it.
Did 80% of this TB arrive at the site yesterday?
by Alonzo Mosely
Dec 18th, 2007
02:46:35 AM
I mean for fuck's sake, you expect a few, but 80% of the people posting seem to have no clue who Cumpston is...

You don't have to find his shit funny, but at least realize what you are reading... I worry for the next generation of movie lovers, because apparently they are retarded...

Alonzo
by DocPazuzu
Dec 18th, 2007
02:49:45 AM
I didn't even bother with the Mark Twain You Fucking Asshole Awards this time around because the Mark Twain You Fucking Asshole Award factory couldn't keep up with the demand.
Oops-
by DocPazuzu
Dec 18th, 2007
02:51:46 AM
I of course mean the Mark Twain You Fucking Moron Award.
The Cloverfield monster...
by Alonzo Mosely
Dec 18th, 2007
02:53:59 AM
To get back to the movie, the monster appears to have been created by someone who found out about Whale Lice while highly stoned. Do a google seach, or look on Wiki for Whale Lice or Whale Louse and you will see the inspiration. The creature itself seems to be a mixture of whale and the more crab-like louse, while the creature has parasites that fall off, that are pretty much directly based on the whale louse... So there you go people, smoke pot while watching nature programs and you too can come up with ideas for big budget movies...
I know who he is, I know what he's doing...
by Sledge Hammer
Dec 18th, 2007
02:56:51 AM
...or should I say, attempting to do, I've been on this site since it was a damn newsgroup, but I don't give someone a pass just because this is their schtick, especially when that schtick is so monumentally lame and paint-by-numbers to begin with. But hey, go ahead and convince yourself that this is the height of satire...it's no wonder that the US produces the so called "comedians" that it does these days with the bar set so fucking low.
Doc... The Mark Twain moment was a true classic...
by Alonzo Mosely
Dec 18th, 2007
03:00:11 AM
piece of AICN history. A defining moment... I am still waiting for an answer as to why they cut the mice eating aliens...
All that said...
by Sledge Hammer
Dec 18th, 2007
03:02:10 AM
...If this is the shit you rock to, then party on. Not like it's any skin off my balls. Just don't expect me not to have my own opinion on the worth (or lack of) when it comes to this kind of schtick. Especially when I think it was so poorly and predictably done. Me, I'll take Vern's ramblings any day.
Plus which...
by Sledge Hammer
Dec 18th, 2007
03:03:36 AM
...it's not like I had anything better to do right now anyways. I really must buy a life one day...
Some of you must be new here.
by Psyclops
Dec 18th, 2007
03:04:23 AM
I love that there are people who are just now discovering Neill Cumpston. I feel kinda bad for the folks who were looking for any insight into CLOVERFIELD. At least you know that the movie will punch your cock.
I bet its mysterious and completely full of shit.
by SgtElias
Dec 18th, 2007
03:05:12 AM
As soon as a read a spoiler of the "third horrible thing" the creature does to people I'll be done with this shyte till I can see it for free.
Sledge Hammer
by Alonzo Mosely
Dec 18th, 2007
03:10:56 AM
If you are talking to me, my point was that many people in this thread don't get what Cumpston is, and that was sad, as I said, if you understand and dislike, that is fine. Personally, I think he can be hit and he can be miss... I have always ben a drinker of the Vern Kool-Aid, if you go to his website, the Ellis screen capture is my work...

Anyway it is late and I need to crash, wonder how many other people will come in and complain that Harry let some idiot review it who didn't give them spoilers... I imagine they are the sort of people who if you changed the channel on the TV when they were out of the room would complain that the history channel show didn't have a laugh track...

This review is bullshit.......
by godhatesyou
Dec 18th, 2007
03:12:06 AM
What does the monster look like.
I just can't understand people who come to AICN
by Harold The Great
Dec 18th, 2007
03:14:56 AM
and deman normal reviews. There are a shitloads of sites for that. This is review a flawless "Madness? THis is AICN!" moment.
Fair enough Alonzo...
by Sledge Hammer
Dec 18th, 2007
03:14:57 AM
...I can respect that, and I get the opposite side of the argument with people who don't get the gag to begin with, but there are some of us that both got it and still thought it was pretty lame, that's really all I had to say. I'm just burning time right now anyways, otherwise I doubt I'd even be in this debate.
Oh, and Alonzo...
by Sledge Hammer
Dec 18th, 2007
03:18:12 AM
...These sunglasses, they're really nice. Are they government issued, or do all you guys go to the same store to get them?
Dear god it is 4:15 in the morning...
by Alonzo Mosely
Dec 18th, 2007
03:21:23 AM
Why am I - a grown man using the name of a supporting character in a 80s buddy-buddy movie - having a semi-civilized discussion with a man - who is using the name of a character from an 80s comedic cop show - about a successful stand-up comedian who pretends to be a retarded guy who works at a pretzel place to post nonsense reviews on a site owned by a crazy 400lb ginger fucker...

My mom thought I was going to be a doctor...

This movie is like a Pussy that eats YOU out!
by BenFerris
Dec 18th, 2007
03:22:13 AM
I'm gonna make a poster that says that quote. Its the best.
Cumpston tells it like it is...and only as he can!
by KillaKane
Dec 18th, 2007
03:25:03 AM
A breath of fresh air (well slightly tainted by odorous farty air)- Some classic Cumpstonisms in that review. Feeling somewhat reassured that we will get to see a decent carnage quota in this flick along with the demise of a bunch of irritating NYC trendie-somethings. ;-)
It's a fair question...
by Sledge Hammer
Dec 18th, 2007
03:32:43 AM
...none of us here really have the right to judge anyone or anything, do we? Internet posting is basically cosplay for computerbound geeks. Pick a name, choose a personality, and go, go, go!

Go, escape, as fast as you can, sleep and dream of a better world where we all have a purpose and pet monkeys are as common and easy to acquire as internet porn. If only. Ah, if only...

I want to see Cumpston on with Roeper
by Barry Egan
Dec 18th, 2007
03:34:48 AM
the next time Roeper has AO Scott on the show. That would be an interesting show.
Neill Cumpston RULES!
by quentintarantado
Dec 18th, 2007
03:35:50 AM
He's the best reviewer since Francois Truffaut, who later put on a wig and became Pauline Kael!
MONSTERS GOTTA EAT
by sleepyvillain
Dec 18th, 2007
03:43:48 AM
I´ve just read Neills Review: It was Awesome
by Romoehlio
Dec 18th, 2007
03:43:49 AM
who cares if he said nothing about the movie. it was a blast to read, like allways
Did I miss the review?
by xSNAKEEYESx
Dec 18th, 2007
03:44:40 AM
Because all I read was a trashy american trying to be funny and cool by using the word fuck a lot. So much so that it encouraged me to sign up even though Ive been reading this site forever. Some of the people on here are real 100% pure hateful assholes and I hope I never meet you in real life. Sad pathetic prics.
and in case you were wondering...
by xSNAKEEYESx
Dec 18th, 2007
03:45:51 AM
...'prics' are much worse versions of 'pricks'. No really.
Well, Mr. Cumpston....
by closeencounter
Dec 18th, 2007
03:49:13 AM
That was pretty good. But, you're gonna have to do a lot better if you want to top your review of LOTR "The Return of King." That was the most perfect review of all time. Put every other review to shame, it did. Read it here: http://www.aintitcoolnews.com/ node/16641
That "Detailed Review"...
by TheRealMoriarty
Dec 18th, 2007
03:49:47 AM
... that you think got "censored" was simply removed because it's 100% fanboy bullshit. Not true. Not the film.

The six-minute clip that was released was released AFTER that review was initially sent to AICN. Read the "review" and you'll see that they got some huge details wrong, details that have been disproven by the six-minute clip.

It isn't true that it was censored. It's not a scandal. It's just someone desperate to try and prank us who won't take no for an answer.

Specifically PhoenixMagi...
by TheRealMoriarty
Dec 18th, 2007
03:51:41 AM
... calm down because the review you're getting so upset about is a lie, and you fell for it.
Can ya believe I mistook Cumpston for Ferguson?
by Shermdawg
Dec 18th, 2007
04:08:05 AM
For the life of me, I don't know why I thought Turd Ferguson was his supposed handle. (Oops.) Heh, I kept wondering "Man, why does Patton have such a hardon for Ryan Reynolds?" in the Trek talkbacks.
KItty Litter Clumps ton
by quantize
Dec 18th, 2007
04:13:14 AM
I dont give a fuck about what you tards think is humour. That was fuckin drivel of the lowest dumbest, unfunniest order and if that was the point, it was fucking completely pointless. If retard puns involving cock and pussy are what entertains the spazmos around here then this site is fuckin doomed. A.D.D blithering for the text message generation.
I "get it" it's just not funny, or entertaining.
by Guy Who Got A Headache And Accidentally Saves The World
Dec 18th, 2007
04:22:16 AM
Yeah, okay, he's the anti-critic critic, whatever, that's fine, except if it's not even humorous to begin with, you can't get away with ALSO being an uninformative idiot.
Oh yeah
by Guy Who Got A Headache And Accidentally Saves The World
Dec 18th, 2007
04:23:53 AM
I did like this guys 300 review, that WAS funny, and it's entertaining idiocy matched the film it was describing, so it was also informative as well. I don't know what this is supposed to be though.
Fuck Cloverfield, i wanna see the movie that Neill reviewed inst
by ruven76
Dec 18th, 2007
04:33:24 AM
Although i think the talkback of people not understanding that this is a FAKE review are probably just as funny as the review itself. Probably not...
Neill ... you're fuckin' insane
by ye olde shiza
Dec 18th, 2007
04:59:24 AM
Sounds like an important dream. Don't hold back your feelings!
tha last part was funny
by slappy jones
Dec 18th, 2007
05:11:06 AM
i do hope this guy isn't patton oswalt though....i like patton oswalt......
Apparently...
by swinky
Dec 18th, 2007
05:14:14 AM
Most of the TB'ers here came from a nude beach. I've never seen so many vaginas full of sand!
And thank you to Neil for giving me several early morning smiles!
Awful, awful review
by Trazadone
Dec 18th, 2007
05:18:29 AM
God, I stopped reading after he used the word "fuck" for the 27th time. There's a difference between using swears sparingly for emphasis and using them in every other sentence to sound "cool". Constant swearing is the sign of a stupid person. I wouldn't place any credibility in anything stated in h\is "fucking awesome" review. *sigh* what a wasted opportunity to talk about a very cool-looking project.
Get a Clue, Monkey Dick, Learn How to Write a Review
by kenichi tanaka
Dec 18th, 2007
05:20:49 AM
who's writing these stupid ass reviews? is it me or does every first reviewer who posts it here uses the word "fuck" as every other word. AICN has become nothing more than a degenerate site with Cock Suckers and Ass Lickers thinking they can pass off their shiut as a qualified review. I have a suggestion, take some English classes and learn how to write ...
So someone...
by Tourist
Dec 18th, 2007
05:33:09 AM
...Pretending to be a retard pretended to enjoy it. Right on.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
by TomBodet
Dec 18th, 2007
05:41:22 AM
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
The VOLTRON I Know Would Never Do These Things
by LaserPants
Dec 18th, 2007
05:58:15 AM
So clearly it must be a Robeast. (lol!)
I think (like that matters)...
by 5-15-9
Dec 18th, 2007
06:18:29 AM
...that Cumpston thinks he's (or wants to be) cooler than he actually is. I mean, he's got charisma (-3INT), but that doesn't matter. A person who writes a review is supposed to make the movie the focal point and not their own 3rd grade humor. You can keep my two pennies.
Good times
by Darth Busey
Dec 18th, 2007
06:19:02 AM
I haven't seen a good monster fucks shit up movie in quite some time. Hoping this delivers.
Oh my goodness! A giant pussy is the monster!
by IAmMrMonkey!
Dec 18th, 2007
06:38:38 AM
This is just awesome! It's every (straight) man's greatest dream and fear all rolled into one! And, on some level, it's quite ironic that the very thing which created us is now destroying us!

At university, my flatmates made up this thing called 'the phantom pussy' when we were stoned. We used to say that it was like a facehugger from Aliens and that it was creeping around the dorm waiting to clamp onto our face. You could really freak someone out by making a squelching sound and whispering 'It's coming to get you!' when they were wasted.

Thanks JJ! Thanks for bringing us THE PHANTOM PUSSY MOVIE! Only bigger!

I don't want it to eat me out.

Hells yes.
by Deathpool
Dec 18th, 2007
06:42:10 AM
Always a good thing to get a Cumpston review, fuck the pretentious asshole haters.
Mori liked this review because it insulted AICN readers
by Lenny8
Dec 18th, 2007
06:44:36 AM
Of course
A pussy that eats you out
by Banky the Hack
Dec 18th, 2007
06:47:22 AM
Aren't those indiginous to the country of Rand McNally?
This is a plant, regardless of the use of 'fuck' and 'pussy'
by performingmonkey
Dec 18th, 2007
06:48:49 AM
I don't care what anyone says, this is a plant. Either that or the guy hasn't even seen the movie (nothing that's said in the 'review' couldn't have been said by any fanboy here). I mean, we even know what the other thing the monster does to people is, it's in the trailer ffs, when that woman's expanding and obviously gonna explode. Jesus W H Christ on a crutch petting a rabbit in a hutch, THIS GUY IS BEING PAID TO STIR YOU PEOPLE UP!
CLOVERFIELD = GODZILLA US REMAKE
by DURANGO66
Dec 18th, 2007
06:51:10 AM
No, wait wait wait, how awesome was it?
by ricarleite
Dec 18th, 2007
06:52:55 AM
Because... I mean... if it was AWESOME I could, you know... watch it. Or maybe not. Hey is this on? * tap tap tap *
That`s an asskicking,fistfucking,ballsucki ng...
by travis-dane
Dec 18th, 2007
06:55:07 AM
skullfucking,anusliking,analra ping, cocksucking,pussyjuicing,deepp enatrating, horsecocking,samendrinking and bullshiting review!
Calm down douch bags..
by Ironmuskrat
Dec 18th, 2007
07:05:03 AM
Good Lord, is everyone on this site new? I can't believe so many people haven't read a Neil Cumpston review before.

Don't worry you angst filled crybabies, you will get your "real" reviews soon enough.

Is this the same guy.......
by godhatesyou
Dec 18th, 2007
07:11:32 AM
...that said it was like Star Wars?
Yank this article AICN
by Yeti
Dec 18th, 2007
07:24:01 AM
you've been had.
WOAH!?!?
by bennozoid1
Dec 18th, 2007
07:27:18 AM
really enjoyed reading that....like words turded out of a giant spider anus sent from outer space to inseminate the english language with diseased brain spores! but in a good way...that has to be THE weirdest, most retarded review of all time, bar none, but there's something quite elegant, almost poetic about this man's work. don't you think? I'm quite beguiled!....
Yeti...huh?
by just pillow talk
Dec 18th, 2007
07:29:42 AM
How have they "been had"?

It's Neil Cumpston.

Holy shit, the tools in this Talk-Back . . .
by Nice Marmot
Dec 18th, 2007
07:30:15 AM
. . . are taking over. Post after post taking Cumpston seriously and calling him out for his humor and writing style. What the hell is wrong with you tards? Cumpston is a legend at this site. You guys make Comic Book Guy on the Simpsons look really fucking cool.
What type of crap is this ????
by Faust_8
Dec 18th, 2007
07:32:00 AM
I mena really, if it hadn't said Moriaty was publishing this stuff since Reloaded, I would ahve called this a plant to try and connect with the 'young hip movie crowd' by throwing in a bunch of slag with 'fucks' and 'pussy' here and there. This makes no god damn sense and really tells us nothing about the movie besides 'shits get's fucked up' DUH !
sounds good
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
07:32:01 AM
From the trailers I saw, I was afraid that throughout the movie we wouldn't actually SEE the monster, just the results of its destruction from the home-video footage. I was thinking how that would be super lame... but this review makes me excited. I will see this.
Where's the miracle grow ???
by Faust_8
Dec 18th, 2007
07:33:06 AM
it's not animal or mineral, so it might be vegetable...
um, no Faust
by just pillow talk
Dec 18th, 2007
07:34:50 AM
He's no plant.
Neil's reviews are the best...
by Phimseto
Dec 18th, 2007
07:36:07 AM
...and I thank him for reminding me of one of my favorite lines from Jay & Silent Bob Strikes Back: "Dude, why do they call you 'Cock-Knocker'?"
no plant, then a raving lunatic
by Faust_8
Dec 18th, 2007
07:36:09 AM
just throwing it out there
A Matter of Taste
by YakMalla
Dec 18th, 2007
07:37:25 AM
Guess it comes down to that. Personally, I think he's hilarious. So what if this wasn't particularly informative? Then you'd be screaming that he gave away the movie. And to everyone who was offENded by the review perhaps should be reading elsewhere. AICN is not known for its gentility, thank god.
Amen YakMalla!
by just pillow talk
Dec 18th, 2007
07:42:51 AM
If you don't like Neil's reviews (yes, he has done many for AICN), then you know in the future NOT to read them.

This is how his reviews read. Get the fuck over it. And he's not a plant. Ridiculous.

yeah YakMalla
by Faust_8
Dec 18th, 2007
07:43:39 AM
I can see your point, but some of the things I like about AICN is that they give their own twist on reviews in their own witty intelligent way. This review lacked wit, not that I am offended by it in any way
review was a good read, worthy of many accolades!
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
07:43:51 AM
It was entertaining. Why is everyone getting so bent out of shape over it?

Why so serious?

This was funny?
by scudd
Dec 18th, 2007
07:45:26 AM
Sorry, but anyone can take George Carlin's list of words that can't be said on television and use them as the basis to write a movie review. This guy tried way too hard.
This review is like the dick that deepthroat's YOU!
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
07:46:28 AM
Is that why you all are so serious? Why so serious?
Total waste of a webpage
by m_prevette
Dec 18th, 2007
07:50:20 AM
Come on - why post shit like this? This isn't a review, it's space wasted by a moron. Not a single rational, useful thought was shared. Even IF this jack-off has seen the movie, who would trust a word he says? And it also says a lot about those who let it be posted on the site as a "world exclusive". It's just sad.
Great Review Neil!
by BranMakMorn
Dec 18th, 2007
07:52:25 AM
It's even funnier with all the humorless TB'ers comments who are unable to decipher the review's ironic wit.
SERIOUSLY... do you eat with that mouth?
by darqness
Dec 18th, 2007
07:57:14 AM
Love that the guy gets the inside goods, but apparently the faux-celebrity has made him a nasty-ass ranting... oh yes, and raving lunatic. Ya not funny fella. Just give the info, and go.
Ironic wit ?!?
by Faust_8
Dec 18th, 2007
07:58:02 AM
Irony:the use of words to express something other than and especially the opposite of the literal meaning So I guess he's telling us the movie sucks.
The lack of Funniness
by JimmyJingles
Dec 18th, 2007
08:01:15 AM
at this site appalls me. WHALECRAB LIVES!!!!
actually turk...I'm gonna have to use it too
by just pillow talk
Dec 18th, 2007
08:04:11 AM
Why so serious?
it's fun
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
08:08:18 AM
See? It holds unlimited power.
I'm even laughing hysterically while typing it
by just pillow talk
Dec 18th, 2007
08:10:55 AM
I don't quite understand the strange looks I'm getting at work...
Well, you know what to say to them...
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
08:12:43 AM
Just ask them...
Sticks Up Asses
by SoWasRed2012
Dec 18th, 2007
08:16:06 AM
What's the point of reacting to a Neil Cumpston review with such out and out hostility? Yeah he's profane, and not exactly good at actually "reviewing" the movie - but that's been his MO since FOREVER, if you don't like his "style", don't read his stuff anymore! It's like going into a McDonald's, ordering a beefburger, and then complaining that it's got meat in it. If nothing else this review serves as a minor piece of amusement that marginally reinforces my desire to see this movie. And I don't agree that people who find this funny are somehow of sub-par intellect, or even that Mr. Cumpston is, it is possible to laugh at low AND high-brow humour. Plus it takes skill to string that much profanity together coherently.
No wonder the 2girls1cup reference
by SpencerTrilby
Dec 18th, 2007
08:20:31 AM
since JJ is is producing and/or directing turds as if it came from his ass. Nice review Neill: I had a good laugh but still not interested in this uber-marketed faux Godzilla.
SoWasRed2012, you would be right if...
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
08:21:06 AM
McDonald's actually used "meat" or "beef" in their burgers. *shudders*
Goddamnit
by seppukudkurosawa
Dec 18th, 2007
08:22:45 AM
Just when I thought the 1-cup-2-girls zeitgeist had finally simmmered down enough for people to stop reminding me to visit that page to masturbate furiously, Neill of all people returns to AICN to knock me off the bandwagon.

Your review only just about makes up for ruining the rest of my month.
If this is even 1/2 as good as 2girls1cup
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
08:23:08 AM
I will be watching this many times. Just as I have the *full* 2girls1cup movie (not the pussified version found on that website). It makes my pants tight just thinking about it. Back to work I go...
I hope Vern will review it!
by DerLanghaarige
Dec 18th, 2007
08:26:53 AM
Because then we get (funny!) jokes AND a good review!
JUST GIVE ME MY PRETZEL AND SHUT YOU HOLE YOU BITCH
by BringingSexyBack
Dec 18th, 2007
08:27:03 AM
I don't like your work attitude but the review is awesome. You should be reviewing full time and leave the pretzel job to a cute girl who'll blow me if I buy a dozen.
NEILL CUMPSTON IS THE BEEFBURGER OF FILM REVIEWERS
by BringingSexyBack
Dec 18th, 2007
08:29:52 AM
and Vern is the footlong hotdog of film reviewers. NUFF SAID
Cock Punch Glove?! SOLD!!!!
by Stuntcock Mike
Dec 18th, 2007
08:33:02 AM
.
Informative? I say Yes.
by YakMalla
Dec 18th, 2007
08:33:24 AM
I'm still sputtering in disbelief at all of those who were offended, as if they were reading this at aintitcoolhavingteawithJesus.c om. As to the not informative charge, I say thee nay, and here's why: All anybody interested in a monster movie wants to know if a) it kicks ass, b) it frightens excrement out of said ass, and c) Matthew Broderick/Poochie/H.E.R.B.I.E is in it. Answers from the review: a) yep; b) check; c) yes, but dealt with appropriately (see a)).
OKAY I JUST THREW UP IN MY MOUTH
by BringingSexyBack
Dec 18th, 2007
08:34:18 AM
Went to that 2 girls 1 cup site. I'm about to retch. fucj
The "world exclusive" bit annoys me :/
by Flipao
Dec 18th, 2007
08:34:37 AM
It's fun to read and all, but... meh.... "I saw cloverfield and it was great!"
Vern
by Shakes
Dec 18th, 2007
08:39:34 AM
This review feels like a pale imitation of a Vern review. When Vern does it things are clever and make sense. This guy is like one of those comedians whose jokes only work because he goes blue. Take away the "fuck" "shit's" and "cock's" and this is nothing more than a 12 year old talking about the new Tony Hawk game. Vern's articles would be just as good without the vulgarity.
I can stands no more...
by Shut the Fuck up Donny
Dec 18th, 2007
08:39:36 AM
I have been coming here for years and never thought I would have to partake in this nonsense, but MY GOD. I had to create an account and offer some positive feedback just to offset the load of horseshit I'm seeing in this talkback. Neill, your review--as always--was a joy to read. That being said, I'm saddened that you had to sully the oh-so-sensuous Rhea Perlman in the process.
2 Girls 1 Cup
by YakMalla
Dec 18th, 2007
08:43:51 AM
I'm worried about those girls. Don't they know that sharing a cup is a good way to spread germs?
THE GUY WORKS IN A PRETZEL STAND AT THE MALL FOR GOD'S SAKE
by BringingSexyBack
Dec 18th, 2007
08:44:11 AM
You'd be vulgar too if you were in his place.
SHUT THE FUCK UP DONNY
by BringingSexyBack
Dec 18th, 2007
08:45:56 AM
How can someone come here for years and never post in the Talkbacks? How is that possible?!?!!
turketron...
by SoWasRed2012
Dec 18th, 2007
08:47:21 AM
Touche.
Great, another comedian reviewer
by jimmy_009
Dec 18th, 2007
08:51:51 AM
Just what this site needs, another douchebag that thinks he's going to get a standup gig from his "hilarious" review on AICN.
Alonzo Mosely
by William Landis
Dec 18th, 2007
08:56:25 AM
I dare say you're in bed now, but that last post was the funniest thing I've read in some time.
My Favorite Review of All Time
by the_stranger
Dec 18th, 2007
08:57:06 AM
This made my day and made me laugh. So great man. So, so great!!!
review or hype
by dr.bulber
Dec 18th, 2007
09:05:44 AM
i cant read fanboy speak!
the_stranger
by jimmy_009
Dec 18th, 2007
09:10:41 AM
You are the reviewer trying to make yourself feel better about everyone dumping on you. This would not 'make the day' of anyone else but that sorry ass reviewer.
Cloverfield
by Madcapper
Dec 18th, 2007
09:11:27 AM
hmm..good review. Not spoiling the film, just letting us know that new york gets messed up, and that we get to see the monster bite peoples heads of..I might go see it..:)
have to say
by Halfbreedqueen
Dec 18th, 2007
09:15:41 AM
the review did seem a little lazy. the whole angry "maddox" thing just seems a bit old now. it's predictable. time for something NEW and "funny shocking."
This review is a crab
by Mirrorball Man
Dec 18th, 2007
09:21:22 AM
This review is 90% crab-like, 10% apeshit.
Sounds a bit like Starship Troopers
by Knobules
Dec 18th, 2007
09:23:09 AM
Where the first part is pretty people and stupid issues. Then its just a friggin masacre. Also that reviewer above needs to take ridilin. Your only kind of funn bub, trying too hard. Next time read your material in front of someone and keep the funny stuff.
THE CLOVERFIELD WITCH PROJECT
by uss cygnus
Dec 18th, 2007
09:26:06 AM
"JOSH!!!!!"
Re: BringingSexyBack
by Shut the Fuck up Donny
Dec 18th, 2007
09:27:07 AM
If I had got caught up in all the debates on here like some of the people do, I'd never have finished law school. But then again, the experience in bullshitting might have been helpful.. But now I've graduated and I'm currently unemployed. Maybe now I can work on honing my skills!
...Jalapeno Cheddar Pretzel, Extra Cheese On The Side
by uss cygnus
Dec 18th, 2007
09:27:10 AM
And a large Diet Coke, bitch.
I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH JOE'S CRAB SHACK
by uss cygnus
Dec 18th, 2007
09:29:50 AM
And the "Cloverfield" combo plate movie promo is selling like hotcakes.
In the immortal words of Ripley...
by DocPazuzu
Dec 18th, 2007
09:33:21 AM
..."Did I.Q.'s drop sharply while I was away?"

Holy shit, you idiots are still here, thicker than whale omelettes and more plentiful than ever. Alonzo is right, it doesn't matter if you think Neill is funny or not, but the sheer amount of dopes who don't even understand that the joke's on them is staggering - surely a new record for a Cumpston talkback.

Good God, you people suck.

Holy Christ was that awful.
by deathstar73
Dec 18th, 2007
09:34:15 AM
Was that review in English? My eight month old could've produced something more coherent.
I'm still waiting...
by DocPazuzu
Dec 18th, 2007
09:37:47 AM
...for the first asspickle to say: "I was just kidding, I knew it was a joke all along!"

Will it be you, deathstar73?

Pussy that eats you out...
by jambone
Dec 18th, 2007
09:38:58 AM
is an alien facehugger, right?
STFU DONNY - LAW SCHOOL OR TALKBACKS ... HMMMMMMMM
by BringingSexyBack
Dec 18th, 2007
09:40:47 AM
I woulda chosen Talkbacks but you made your decision now you have to live with it. But congrats on making it through.
ROFL @ Talkbackers actually critiquing Neill's review
by Shigeru
Dec 18th, 2007
09:50:01 AM
Are you new to AICN or just fucking retarded?
I was re-reading Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas last night
by I am_NOTREAL
Dec 18th, 2007
09:54:43 AM
and then I read this review, and one seems almost like a continuation of the other.
CLOVERFIELD MONSTER GOES APESHIT = CTHULHU
by Abin Sur
Dec 18th, 2007
10:06:38 AM
Yeah, I can read between the lines...go Cthulhu!
and who here actually thinks he works at wetzel's pretzels?
by occula
Dec 18th, 2007
10:07:22 AM
come on, people, really. and yes, his ROTK review is the best evar, hands-down!
I LAUGHED AND LAUGHED
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
10:07:28 AM
I think that some of the responses in here whining about how they didn't like the review are the funniest thing to come out of here.
CTHULU IS WEAK
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
10:09:24 AM
It's power level doesn't even register on my scouter. It would get beaten Trunks vs. Frieza style by the Cloverfield monsta.
so weak I don't care to spell it's name right
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
10:09:48 AM
umm hmm.
Horror Awards
by bobbyjoe1985
Dec 18th, 2007
10:11:50 AM
Join the Facebook group, "Horror Awards" to vote for the best horror films of 2007!
Worst Talkback ever?
by Burgundy82
Dec 18th, 2007
10:13:20 AM
What a sorry band of uncultured fucktards. Who knew AiCN still attracted this many new readers? Who knew there was such a huge readership turnover in the first place? And who knew none of the fucking newbies had any shred of a sense of humor?? Do a search for Neil Cumpston and shut. the. fuck. up. I'm looking at you, Jimmy_009, you fucking dicksneeze.
CTHULHU laughs at your puny TB posting, Turketron...
by Abin Sur
Dec 18th, 2007
10:14:41 AM
He LAUGHS, then he picks you up and eats your head. Go Cthulhu!
IT'S A LION AND IT'S HUGE
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
10:14:55 AM
So, is this movie really "The Lion King 3: Scar's Revenge" complete with a giant zombified mutated lion dripping with enormous maggots and other vermin? I think so.
chlthu has a mouth?
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
10:17:29 AM
If so, I guess there will be a scene where the Cloverfield monster takes an enormous diarrhea dump into it! I will laugh and laugh.
burgundy...chill
by jambone
Dec 18th, 2007
10:29:25 AM
asshat
I have been accused of being long and rambling and prone to typi
by emeraldboy
Dec 18th, 2007
10:29:59 AM
but when I read a headine that is error strewn as cloverfield monster goes apeshit. that should read has seen cloverfield monster go apeshit. why do i get attacked for bad spelling and not this guy who is regular reviewer. its unfair i tells ya!
HOBBIT- where's the story on AICN????
by ptindy
Dec 18th, 2007
10:32:14 AM
http://www.thehobbitblog.com/ Academy Award-winning filmmaker Peter Jackson; Harry Sloan, Chairman and CEO, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios Inc. (MGM); Bob Shaye and Michael Lynne, Co-Chairmen and Co-CEOs of New Line Cinema have jointly announced today that they have entered into the following series of agreements: * MGM and New Line will co-finance and co-distribute two films, The Hobbit and a sequel to The Hobbit. New Line will distribute in North America and MGM will distribute internationally. * Peter Jackson and Fran Walsh will serve as Executive Producers of two films based on The Hobbit. New Line will manage the production of the films, which will be shot simultaneously. * Peter Jackson and New Line have settled all litigation relating to the "Lord of the Rings" (LOTR) Trilogy.
loves me some Neil...
by Grendy
Dec 18th, 2007
10:34:08 AM
i love that the 'spoilers' really don't tell ya much. right on. I am still jazzed about this, and will be taking a crew to go see it. tho, i will not sit next to my friend i saw I Am Legend w/ this past sunday...he was jumpy as hell in THAT, I can't imagine watching Cloverfield and not wanting to beat him to death. Good, and entertaining work, as always, Neil. I promise not to come in 2 minutes before closing and fuck up yer cinnamon nets, 'kay?
Trying too hard to be someone else.
by Diagnostic
Dec 18th, 2007
10:35:19 AM
Yes, the review for Grindhouse was hilarious. This review just wants to be insulting, and that kind a ruins the funny stuff.
BTW, Well ritten review.
ps.. burgandy 82?
by Grendy
Dec 18th, 2007
10:36:05 AM
dicksneeze is my new favorite word. Werd.
Holy Shit!
by DocPazuzu
Dec 18th, 2007
10:38:19 AM
That Hobbit news is real! Oh, the talkback madness to come!
Cumpston's ROTK review was gold.
by SpencerTrilby
Dec 18th, 2007
10:41:55 AM
Still waiting for the "League of Extraordinary 70's icons" flick, or whatever you name it.
why so serious?
by addyadam
Dec 18th, 2007
10:43:33 AM

by MarkPhantom
Dec 18th, 2007
10:45:46 AM
People aren't taking exception to this review because it's so outrageously radical and anti-critic that we just can't understand it. It's just annoying to read a review that doesn't make an ounce of sense, then have a ton of talkbackers tell us we're too stupid or humourless to appreciate it. I have a sense of humour, I just don't understand why this is considered a hot, first-screening review that eserves to be the first posted here. I don't quite understand. Was it posted by AICN's staff to annoy everyone? Stuff like this I can understand seeing after the film's out, but I come to AICN to see actual news.
spencer, have you seen it yet?
by occula
Dec 18th, 2007
10:47:03 AM
i'm still waiting to hear what you think of indy without frenchification! (did i offend you there?)
Harry?
by bobjustbob
Dec 18th, 2007
10:49:20 AM
Is that you?
MarkPhantom
by DocPazuzu
Dec 18th, 2007
10:50:35 AM
No, you're wrong. Most whiners here don't understand that it's a joke or don't understand how it's a joke.

True Fact.

I had a long dream about the male star of the movie two nights a
by darrenspool
Dec 18th, 2007
10:53:08 AM
lol. faggotry!
Joke
by Shakes
Dec 18th, 2007
10:54:56 AM
I'll be honest, I don't get the joke. I just reread it and it reminded me of when Michael Bay was on the Imaginationland episode of South Park. "there's a motorcycle, then there's a building, and it goes eeergghh." The reviewer is TRYING to be outrageous and funny. He's trying to go off on weird little tangents like the stuff about the Pretzel babies and sound clever, but it just sounds like a 12 year old on a sugar rush. Is that the joke? Someone please enlighten me.
No offense Occula
by SpencerTrilby
Dec 18th, 2007
10:55:03 AM
I'm too lazy to get offended. And WAY too lazy to find Indy's original VHS. I'm gonna stick boycotting that joke of a boxset until Paramount quits this indecent HD payola and brings the Blu Ray on.
Neill !! Its been too long..
by skimn
Dec 18th, 2007
10:55:56 AM
still loved Neill's Mom's review of Spiderman 3..a classic.
Nothing new
by liljuniorbrown
Dec 18th, 2007
10:56:54 AM
Nice review but but did I come away with that I didn't already know? I know oxycontins are good, thanks for the reminder harry, now i might relapse, I also knew that the monster in this movie sheds smaller monsters which I think is brilliant,(not as brilliant as oxycontin though) and people get destroyed along with NY. Sorry I just kind of expected a little more insight, funny review though,nothing like being a mall cat to make someone hate the public.
The douchebag level here is rising
by Heckles
Dec 18th, 2007
10:57:03 AM
So, if you don't think this person is funny, then you either just started reading this site or don't get the humor or both? Let me offer another option: it's not funny. Hipster AICN talkbackers. A new breed of douchebag.
I Call Bullshit
by phoenixmagi
Dec 18th, 2007
10:57:22 AM
shame on you harry for removing the true, real fetailed review which proves this movie is shit! way to censor!can't have that post or jj will stop paying you huh fat ass!
Hobbit news!
by jimmy_009
Dec 18th, 2007
11:01:59 AM
Peter Jackson agrees to produce the Hobbit, to be released in two parts, 2010 and 2011
Pter Jackson to direct the Hobbit!!!
by anchorite
Dec 18th, 2007
11:08:44 AM
Peter Jackson to Direct `The Hobbit'
From Associated Press
December 18, 2007 11:19 AM EST

NEW YORK - Peter Jackson and New Line Cinema have reached agreement to make J.R.R. Tolkien's "The Hobbit," a planned prequel to the blockbuster trilogy "The Lord of the Rings."

Relations between Jackson and New Line had soured after the enormous success of "Rings," but Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios (MGM) helped the two sides reach agreement. MGM and New Line will split the film 50/50, a spokesman for MGM said.

"I'm very pleased that we've been able to put our differences behind us, so that we may begin a new chapter with our old friends at New Line," Jackson said in a statement.

I can't wait to see what the agreement was. This is great news, indeed!
Is he going to produce or direct?
by anchorite
Dec 18th, 2007
11:10:02 AM
The AP article says direct, but jimmy009 said produce. What's the real scoop - anyone know?
executive producing
by wildphantom07
Dec 18th, 2007
11:10:51 AM
with Fran Walsh is the only fact we know. They haven't announced a director yet
Can someone really confirm that Neill's
by skimn
Dec 18th, 2007
11:11:44 AM
Patton Oswalt?
Parents' Resource Council Approved Translation
by YakMalla
Dec 18th, 2007
11:18:34 AM
Dear Drew: Your readers may be interested to know that I was privileged to take in an advance showing of "Cloverfield". As I have found work tiring of late, this came as a welcome break. Here I found a catharsis of sort. The film not only delivers the visceral thrills one hopes for in a film of this sort, it ups the ante in ways so innovative I dare not describe them to you lest I ruin the fun. At the outset this seemed doubtful, as the presence of two young lovers threatened to pull the film away from its true nature, but this proved to be a sumptuous ruse, placed here to enhance the delights to come. And what delights! I found my imagination stretched beyond what I previously thought was a reasonable limit. While this is a classic creature-attacks-Manhattan film, this terse description fails to capture the sheer ferocity of the event. To make matters worse, the beast brings forth foul spawn to further distress the somewhat self-absorbed populace. A subsequently revealed power of the creature I will leave undescribed so as to maximize the emotional wallop it brings forth. While some mild continuity errors prevent me from recommending the picture without reservation, they pale in comparison to the high entertainment value delivered. The film's producers may feel free to contact me if they are in need of a few pithy bon mots to adorn their advertisements. In short, quite a merry adventure! Yours in Christ, Neill
Ah America, 100% irony-free.
by Christopher3
Dec 18th, 2007
11:29:24 AM
New to the site or not, one would truly have to be retarded to take a Neill Cumpston review at face value.
TWO brilliant reviews! Cumpston and YakMalla!
by Ninja Nerd
Dec 18th, 2007
11:32:59 AM
LOL...now I actually want to see this movie. Before, I had the whole "Blair Witch" vibe; a crapload of hype over nothing. Now...this may be worth the price of a ticket. Any word on IMAX for this puppy?
THE MONSTER IS MANBEARPIG
by J-Dizzle
Dec 18th, 2007
11:34:01 AM
EXCELSIOR!
Great Review
by Madines Sideshed
Dec 18th, 2007
11:43:53 AM
laughed my ass off. superb
God damn...
by Gatsbys West Egg Omlet
Dec 18th, 2007
11:44:48 AM
what a great review.
Still sounds dumb as fuck
by alienindisguise
Dec 18th, 2007
11:52:08 AM
for real.
Alright dammit, I'm usually a lurker but I have to post
by Cartagia
Dec 18th, 2007
12:04:48 PM
I understand that some people think that Neil is funny and others don't (I finding fucking hilarious)... BUT the number of people that don't get that he's been reviewing for the site for years is mind bottling. I'm mean, for Lando's sake, the very beginning says he's been doing it at least since his "Matrix: Kingdom of Ass-Kicking" review. Jebus.
I read the review...and it's awesome
by Chutch
Dec 18th, 2007
12:08:24 PM
but the problem is this guy's reviews are better than his tastes in movies. this is the same guy who called grindhouse something like "a handful of jack-off while learning karate in your balls " right?
I kinda hate these fuckity fuck "i'm too hip" reviews.
by Cinemajerk
Dec 18th, 2007
12:10:49 PM
I call these type of reviews "fuckity fuck" reviews, because they sprinkle the f word all over the review along with weird curse filled analogies thinking they are all hip and shit. But you know what? They're not. Take out that self important cursing crap, and what have you got? NOTHING. A lame review.
It's NOT manbearpig...
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
12:11:56 PM
We don't have the special effects to render such a creature for a live action movie yet. Our only glimpses at manbearpig will be through the genius animators for South Park, for now.
YakMalla - that was fucking great!
by just pillow talk
Dec 18th, 2007
12:14:28 PM
Great "translation" work.
If Cumpston and Vern fought each other...
by mr.brownstone
Dec 18th, 2007
12:18:27 PM
It would be like Gigan Vs. Rodan. Vern is Gigan. And then Foywonder shows up and he's Mothra. Whoever loses... WE WIN!
YakMalla
by mr.brownstone
Dec 18th, 2007
12:23:57 PM
Please promise to do that for every Cumpston review from this day forth. Awesome.
Classic Cumpston!
by onemanarmy
Dec 18th, 2007
12:24:28 PM
Keep up the good work.
And to hell with the nay-sayers. If you don't like the review, you're obviously on the wrong website. (>!!)>(>00)>BUTTSECKS!
Holy fuckety-fuck!
by Abominable Snowcone
Dec 18th, 2007
12:25:32 PM
That's some dick-stomping, cock chokingly good motherfucking fuck of a review! Fuck!
HEY XIPHOS
by BringingSexyBack
Dec 18th, 2007
12:31:38 PM
What up homes? YOu back home yet? HAPPY CHRISTMAS hope you're doing well.
why do i have the feeling...
by BigTexas42
Dec 18th, 2007
12:32:12 PM
that i enjoyed that review more than i'll enjoy the movie?
Just watched the trailer again...
by Abominable Snowcone
Dec 18th, 2007
12:42:02 PM
My two main problems are these.

1) I'm pushing late 30s now, and I find it hard to identify with kids in their 20s or stories told from their points of view. They just lack credibility to me. Which may be more the fault of writers, who give their young heroes too much of this "Dawsons Creek Abercrombie Fritch" look and pathos.

2) the story (and movie) is supposed to be based on film taken from one of the witnesses' cameras, who was apparently at a going-away party for a friend. Ummm...I don't know about you, but even for Christmas I only use up one mini-DVD worth of stuff. Plus, I'm guessing that the camera person did not bring their power adapter to the party. I mean, who would? My point is, the camera person appears to be getting way too much footage for someone who was probably supplied only to shoot some tape of his friends at a lame-ass poseur party where all the guys have that on-purpose bedhead look and day-worth of razor stubble and a sportcoat from 1979. I hope they're all killed.

WHAT'S NEXT, A MOVIE MADE FROM A CAMERA PHONE?!?!?!
by BringingSexyBack
Dec 18th, 2007
12:43:45 PM
Shakey Cam must be destroyed.
sounds like they will be, abominable
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
12:45:22 PM
judging form the review, it sounds like you will get your darkest wish
Faust8
by BranMakMorn
Dec 18th, 2007
12:53:26 PM
Read DocPaz's comment, the irony concerns TB'ers like you and... oh WTF am I explaining this to you for?...
Yay! Dead poseurs!
by Abominable Snowcone
Dec 18th, 2007
12:53:36 PM
Murdered Abercrombie models!
BSB
by Abominable Snowcone
Dec 18th, 2007
12:57:39 PM
They should call it the "unsteady cam," as opposed to the, aw you know, the steadicam that the one dude invented for Rocky. Because "Bourne Identity Cam" is too long a name. But "shakey cam" has served us well for the last couple years...
He's never let us down before.
by V'Shael
Dec 18th, 2007
12:58:31 PM
If it was crap, he'd have told us it was crap.
Cock
by Semen Stains
Dec 18th, 2007
01:03:29 PM
N Balls.
SOMEBODY tried to imitate the writing style of I Watch Stuff!
by tompiltoff
Dec 18th, 2007
01:04:10 PM
And failed.
Unreadable
by XAOS
Dec 18th, 2007
01:04:56 PM
Seriously
Lions Are Giant Pussies
by SithlyLongFellow
Dec 18th, 2007
01:06:27 PM
"It's a lion!" equals a pussy eating you out. Hmmm...sounds logical to me. A lion is a giant pussy(cat). Maybe the creature is a giant 'lion' inspired by the artwork of H.R. Giger. A giant 'lion' with a very goth-like biomechanical body.
In the cold light of day...
by Alonzo Mosely
Dec 18th, 2007
01:12:52 PM
Apparently the 80% ratio of moronitude has stayed, an impressive feat. Give yourself a hand people...

Oh and William Landis, thanks for the compliment, I am going to call my mom and tell her, that should make up for me not being a Doctor...

"Blair Witch" style shaky-cam in IMAX..?
by skimn
Dec 18th, 2007
01:12:55 PM
Bring forth the buckets for which to vomit upon...
perfect time for cumpston
by ArcadianDS
Dec 18th, 2007
01:15:56 PM
for a while, it was as if Neill had a weekly column and he couldn't maintain the constant drive to out-do himself at that pace.

I think the time off has made this review all the more entertaining to read, even though its slight on movie details. The point people are missing is that Neill writes to ENTERTAIN US, not to INFORM US. Accept him for what he is - he is not Vic Tayback. I'm not sure why I even made that reference, but basically what I'm saying to the Cumpston haters is, "HEY DINGY