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It's a whale
by MC-909
Dec 17th, 2007
09:59:09 PM
A giant muthafuckin' whale I tells ya.
Yes.
by Nordling
Dec 17th, 2007
09:59:11 PM
Thank you, Neill.
wow
by dirkadirkadirka
Dec 17th, 2007
10:03:17 PM
pussy that eats YOU out
Think its a lunatic
by Bigstadder
Dec 17th, 2007
10:03:50 PM
But Neill's got balls (love his use of langauge). Should be interesting...
Cumpston provides the best reviews
by DeCypher44
Dec 17th, 2007
10:04:30 PM
Neill, awsome as always. If they don't use "this movie is like a pussy that eats YOU out", then THEY fail.
BOO YAAAAAAAAA
by Lamerz
Dec 17th, 2007
10:04:41 PM
Will it be good, or will it suck?
WTF?
by classyfredblassy
Dec 17th, 2007
10:04:56 PM
Is that dude snorting crazy glue? Any normal person see it at this screening that could tell us about it?
Brilliant
by theisson
Dec 17th, 2007
10:06:11 PM
Way to go, AICN...
by Pennsy
Dec 17th, 2007
10:08:00 PM
Truly. Can't. Wait.
To quote:
by TrumpyEatsPotatoes
Dec 17th, 2007
10:08:47 PM
"...the movie heard you calling it a pussy so it puts on its dick-stomping boots and then surprises your dick with a punch from a fist wearing a cock-punch glove."
I've read that sentence six times and I still can't comprehend it.
Doesn't mean it's not good, though.
Joe Bob is that you?
by rhett beavers
Dec 17th, 2007
10:09:20 PM
Either Joe Bob moved to El Lay or he must have not someone up and had his mutant son. Awesome review.
...
by rhett beavers
Dec 17th, 2007
10:09:54 PM
knocked...
a pussy that eats YOU out
by RevSam
Dec 17th, 2007
10:10:56 PM
oh goodness yes what a concept
Terrible review
by Dwide Shrewd
Dec 17th, 2007
10:12:13 PM
Try actually reviewing a movie sometime in the future, rather than seeing how many cock references you can cram into your text.

You could do some good work if you stopped TRYING so fucking hard. You just end up sounding like a studio plant who was hired to sound hip and EVER-SO-CAREFULLY irreverent.

Mix in some film savvy to go with all of your hyperbole and dick jokes.

CLOVERFIELD MONSTER! IT BLOOOOOOOWS!
by mutiny33
Dec 17th, 2007
10:13:13 PM
http://aycu14.webshots.com/ima ge/34893/2001230418515999011_r s.jpg
RE: "Is this the review of a raving lunatic?"
by SkidMarkedUndies
Dec 17th, 2007
10:14:55 PM
No, FuckMichaelBay, it is the review of a raving Patton Oswalt.
KATHY GRIFFIN'S VAGINA = FAT WHALE LIKE
by mutiny33
Dec 17th, 2007
10:16:21 PM
JUST LIKE CLOVERFIELD MONSTER: http://aycu14.webshots.com/ima ge/34893/2001230418515999011_r s.jpg
like a pussy that eats you out
by kafka07
Dec 17th, 2007
10:17:40 PM
mind-blowingly awesome.
blowingly
by kafka07
Dec 17th, 2007
10:18:01 PM
heheh
Going to be good
by DDillustration
Dec 17th, 2007
10:18:39 PM
This, and the Dark Knight The most anticipated movies of 08, thus far.
Neill
by toshiro-solo
Dec 17th, 2007
10:19:48 PM
I've missed you. For anyone unfamiliar, do a site search of his name, sit back, and behold the spectacle that is the collected reviews of Neill Cumpston. Nothing online has ever made me laugh harder than the first time I read his Matrix: Revolutions review. Seriously, if you haven't read the rest of his stuff, you're missing out.
crimminay sikes
by Bloo
Dec 17th, 2007
10:20:26 PM
I know AICN gets new viewers every day, but comeon, Niel's a regular reviwer around here, who is as SkidMarkedUndies already pointed out, is Patton Oswalt. It's like you guys have no sense of humor or are just stupid, why does Talkback sometimes bring out the idiot in people and I don't mean the troll idot but just the plain stupid.

BTw I remember Niel's mom reviwed a movie once and speculation was that iwas Sarah Silverman, was it her, or someone else, I belive the review was for Pirates 2 or Spiderman 3 or something

January movies
by MC-909
Dec 17th, 2007
10:20:51 PM
Let's not forget this is being released in January. What were some other good January releases?
How much did J.J. Abrams pay Harry for this review?
by Nate Champion
Dec 17th, 2007
10:25:24 PM
I'm actually thinking that Harry plays the fucking monster, Serkis-stylie.
Man.
by Dollar Bird
Dec 17th, 2007
10:27:05 PM
I gots to get me one of them cock-punching gloves.
I appreciate the fact he doesn't like customers...
by The Dum Guy
Dec 17th, 2007
10:27:10 PM
I hate 'em to.

so urm when did the uni-bomber
by palewook
Dec 17th, 2007
10:27:13 PM
start doing reviews for aicn?
funniest thing about his reviews
by waggy
Dec 17th, 2007
10:27:54 PM
the talkbackers criticizing him when he's satirizing harry's reviews. they're like music critics are a spinal tap show.
Neill rocks
by Bob of the Shire
Dec 17th, 2007
10:28:20 PM
Can't wait for this movie now. This review pretty much confirms the movie as awesome.
(grumble) edit button (grumble)
by waggy
Dec 17th, 2007
10:29:49 PM
music critics AT a spinal tap show
Is it that bad for The Rat...
by LordEnigma
Dec 17th, 2007
10:29:53 PM
he has to work at a freakin Starbucks now? Damn writers strike!
Cormac McCarthy
by freerangecelt
Dec 17th, 2007
10:32:07 PM
all hail your successor! Loved the review, and the word play!
Fat splooged-upon babies
by Zeke25:17
Dec 17th, 2007
10:44:02 PM
...will be the new AICN catchphrase. Or if not, will serve to describe many of its posters.
IT'S STAYPUFT THE MARSHMALLOW MAN
by Pipple
Dec 17th, 2007
10:46:57 PM
that's where they got the camera from, someone at the end of gb1
That was the best...
by PirateEmery
Dec 17th, 2007
10:51:13 PM
...review I've ever read. EVER.
2 Girls 1 Cup = Yummy Shit!
by VanGoghX
Dec 17th, 2007
10:51:55 PM
Sick man... just... plain sick.
neill, stop trying so hard.
by ironic_name
Dec 17th, 2007
10:52:41 PM
Hmmmm...
by EdmundoDupont
Dec 17th, 2007
10:54:47 PM
Really enjoyed the review. However, didn't Cloverfield receive a PG-13 rating. I'm not sure how different the MPAA rating system is to the Australian rating system, but this really doesn't seem like a review for a PG-13 film.
Neil goes apeshit
by Admiral_Benson
Dec 17th, 2007
10:58:40 PM
I like his title better. I hope it's accurate. So can we confirm that mathew broderick is going to save everyone with fish? Thats what happens right?
War of the Worlds
by enderandrew
Dec 17th, 2007
10:58:51 PM
I know everyone only focuses on the end, but for about an hour, War of the Worlds really was incredible. The savage and raw destruction really had me reeling. It was a vicious movie. If Cloverfield can match that intensity and terror, yet finish strong, I'll be a very happy camper.
Talk about cult of personality...
by Sledge Hammer
Dec 17th, 2007
11:03:04 PM
..."wow he can swear, and do so while telling you absolutely nothing in his review...he's so cool. And Mad TV and King Of Queens were the bomb, yo!". Yeah, whatever.
Not insightful, informative or even funny at all
by Guy Who Got A Headache And Accidentally Saves The World
Dec 17th, 2007
11:08:45 PM
I'm not sure what the point was of the review, I learned absolutely nothing of the film, the least he could have done was wrote an entertaining review but he didn't even do that either.
I probably won't see this. Unless I hear really good things.
by Buckys_Kick_Ass_Arm
Dec 17th, 2007
11:12:36 PM
Just not interested.
Not funny. Not informative.
by jrbarker
Dec 17th, 2007
11:16:00 PM
Just plain shitty. I can't believe Moriarty would run a worthless piece of shit like this "review".
but was it... AWESOME???
by br1947
Dec 17th, 2007
11:16:24 PM
too many words...
It's already screened
by Bob of the Shire
Dec 17th, 2007
11:18:43 PM
Did you not catch that wave of reviews AICN had a few days ago? The film is finished and you're just pissed because Neill's review ravaged your vagina in irreparable ways.
Greatest. Review. Ever.
by Crimson King
Dec 17th, 2007
11:19:58 PM
Period.
Mutiny-33
by MetiphisLabs
Dec 17th, 2007
11:20:14 PM
When are people going to stop posting that fan art speculation picture of what the monster looks like? It's not from the movie!!
I HAVE A PHAT COCK
by THE KNIGHT
Dec 17th, 2007
11:20:47 PM
am i right haters, or am i right!
subliminal homo review
by ftlskins
Dec 17th, 2007
11:22:20 PM
Cock, Cock-Punch, Cock-fuck.....you're like the little kid in "Superbad" with a cock obsession....at least he was funny. Please come out of the closet...we see you hiding behind the shoes doing sit-ups with your shirt off!!
Cue Godzilla for the sequel
by aboriginal
Dec 17th, 2007
11:24:51 PM
I'm getting flashes of 12 Monkeys from this dude's reviewgasm. Jeez . . . more flowery prose than a Louie Lamour novel and David "Fucking" Mamet combined. Still can't beat chocolate dipped pussy juice tho'.
No wonder this guy works at....
by Lance2769
Dec 17th, 2007
11:29:54 PM
Wetzel Pretezel. He's sounds like an uneducated, toke smoking, skater straight out of 'Half Baked'. I bet he had his skater buddies who work the concession stand at the theatre sneak him into this 'sneek peek.' All joking aside - I can't wait to see this movie based on the 5 minute scene that was posted on this site over the weekend AND NOT based on this knucklehead's "review". Moriarty, this retarded email you got is not something you should be getting "giddy" about unless you're one of his buddies who helped sneak him in.
The funniest thing about this review....
by Riley Martin
Dec 17th, 2007
11:32:01 PM
is knowing that it's coming from some skinny nerd who's online persona is someone from The Sopranos.
NO movie can live up to THAT review!
by Womb2dooM
Dec 17th, 2007
11:36:52 PM
Brilliant! This review entertained the hell out of me and has me gagging at the chops to see this movie more then the no-advertising advertising that is, at this point, more popular then the film will ever be! Unless the entertaining review was actually correct about its brilliantness... Uh...
indie movie characters getting eaten and mutilated before they c
by Sir Loin
Dec 17th, 2007
11:42:49 PM
LOL YES...die, hipsters! I'm guessing they had fashionably-toussled hair and square-framed glasses and iPhones, so the fact that the monster snacks on them is enough for me to buy a ticket. And they probably were concerned about the monster's carbon footprint. Just die already.
Neill's reviews make my day.
by ShoNuff86
Dec 17th, 2007
11:46:48 PM
ignore the trashtalk Neill, your reviews are always welcome. "a pussy that eats you out" will never get old.
I love Neill, and was excited..
by Negator76
Dec 17th, 2007
11:47:10 PM
..until I read his POSITIVE review of Matrix Reloaded. I ass vomits better shit than that movie. I think I'll go back to masturbating to the Dark Knight prologue now...
sounfs a little like a live-action legend of the overfiend
by flipster
Dec 17th, 2007
11:47:12 PM
now that shit rocked - doubt yankee crap can compare but Cumstain perhaps can let us know - have you seen legend of the overfiend (the single movie or trilogy?) and is this close to a live-action version?
I'm so happy the monster eats annoying NY hipsters
by Rindain
Dec 17th, 2007
11:47:43 PM
Long live CLoverfield Whale/Lion/Voltron/Godzilla/wh ateveritis Monster! I hate those fucking hipsters who think the world ends past Manhattan.
Fer Fuck Sakes!!!
by sidestepper
Dec 17th, 2007
11:48:14 PM
Hey humorless retards, why are you even here?
I'm glad the one-laptop-per-child program is taking off
by Executor
Dec 17th, 2007
11:52:07 PM
The only drawback is a lot more posters in talkbacks and comments who don't understand things. Maybe parody, sarcasm, and comedy will come to your country in the next food drop. But thank you for your whiny comments.

p.s. Great review Neill.

Circle the funny parts, I'm not seeing them
by Guy Who Got A Headache And Accidentally Saves The World
Dec 17th, 2007
11:52:27 PM
Really, what part of that review was in any way humorous or would "make your day" by reading it? I could get more entertainment out of reading someone's Law & Order fan fiction.
Executor
by Guy Who Got A Headache And Accidentally Saves The World
Dec 17th, 2007
11:56:53 PM
You want parody, sarcasm or comedy in your review look up a man called fucking VERN. There wasn't a single thing in this review that was either funny or informative about the movie at all. Are you just buddies with this guy or what? Maybe you also find Kevin Smith movies funny too, even though they're just Wayans brothers comedies with Star Wars jokes added in. "fuck yeah saw movie about a giant pussy monster fucking up douche bags in new york, rocketsteelhelldog fuck yeah vagina" Yeah, that's amazingly hilarious material.
Why don't people get this?
by jabbayoda
Dec 18th, 2007
12:03:38 AM
Cumpston is the anti-critic. He's entertaining first, and authoritative and informative a distant and irrelevant second. The fucks who are complaining about this review "not saying anything" are the same fucks who complain if reviewers' opinions differ from their own. Who gives a fuck what a reviewer says? Does it really make any difference? Neill is hilarious. The end.
What's his appeal?
by RobertBaron
Dec 18th, 2007
12:03:59 AM
Damn you Michael Bay
by MCMLXXVI
Dec 18th, 2007
12:05:11 AM
Damn you Michael Bay
Waggy got it right
by jigsaw
Dec 18th, 2007
12:24:27 AM
Maybe this isn't the best talkback to be familiarizing yourself with AICN, kiddos. This review is tits, and if you're curious of its origins, go back and read Harry's Blade 2 review.
"Rob, I saw it. It's apeshit."
by Det. John Kimble
Dec 18th, 2007
12:26:27 AM
guy behind hollywood's viral marketing interview
by robertplant
Dec 18th, 2007
12:29:11 AM
found here pretty interesting stuff indeed! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v =6NlVE1qy_WM
he
by Zozma
Dec 18th, 2007
12:29:31 AM
didnt say...well, much of anything
WORST. REVIEW. EVER.
by Bill Clay
Dec 18th, 2007
12:44:42 AM
Really, is this how far this site has fallen? The incoherent ramblings of a strung-out junkie qualify know as a review?
I love Wetzel's Pretzels
by Bagheera
Dec 18th, 2007
01:05:22 AM
Auntie Anne's can suck it.
I saw it! It's...
by AragornElfstone
Dec 18th, 2007
01:07:40 AM
a Rambaldi monster!
Pleasure, as always, to read you "Neil"...
by fight this generation
Dec 18th, 2007
01:09:14 AM
"It’s like the Iraq War and Hurricane Katrina and Kathy Griffin’s vagina combined and turned into a giant murder-beast and it’s hungry for every hip person in Manhattan."

but what of the snooty Brooklyn hipster-douchebags?!?
Humorless Nerds
by Fat and Curious
Dec 18th, 2007
01:11:12 AM
The best parts about this review are the attempts by unfunny troglodytes to mock it. I pissed myself when I first read the words "Kick you in the balls and eat out your girlfriend". I hope the monster bears no resemblance to any mythical Japanese monsters or any other various fanboy beasts with unpronounceable names.
Like a pussy that eats YOU out
by bluebottle
Dec 18th, 2007
01:12:12 AM
fucking classic.
Here's my review.........
by Lashlarue
Dec 18th, 2007
01:14:58 AM
wejnwoinvcweoe;hnrf;ijwe wlwksjcvwkjnwmn kwknecwijasdc ib qwkdfwkejcnbwKC WAIJCBW;ICFPQW8UI NIYHBygbihbb iHBlj v UBOJ; g ;8ytfvcLJ H V uJHK;Ilgv LUGQDQWEDH aMNA.p,p.APCOSWUFQ

ekjwiefiq hei qwd9iwqehui

ihwebwebwegfwie fwin

It makes about as much sense as Neil's reviews.

Ahhh that hit the spot
by zillabeast
Dec 18th, 2007
01:17:25 AM
I'm jazzed, now.
Wait! This isn't about Voltron?
by The Dum Guy
Dec 18th, 2007
01:20:51 AM
My goobersnatch, I can't believe a whole-half of a year has gone by...
all I want for christmas
by palinode
Dec 18th, 2007
01:22:39 AM
is a pussy thats eat ME out.
Can anyone confirm that Neil Cumpston is actually Patton Oswalt?
by jackprice
Dec 18th, 2007
01:22:49 AM
Neill MUST review "Teeth"...
by fight this generation
Dec 18th, 2007
01:23:20 AM
The vagina that chews YOU out!
Ganu
by MC-909
Dec 18th, 2007
01:23:27 AM
Is the name of a festival celebrated where?

Wales. No shit.

Eff this crab shit. It's a whale.

Fuckin' smart ass reviewer!
by Poloboy
Dec 18th, 2007
01:37:40 AM
Grow up, man. Stop with all the smart ass comments that are not clever. I could barely get thru the review. Who cares about all the pretzels, etc., just talk about the movie. Must be a young smart ass kid. I did enjoy the person who was on the panel and gave a long, but informative, review.
HANDS FUCKIN DOWN
by Kingdaddy
Dec 18th, 2007
01:38:45 AM
the FUNNIEST line I've ever read on AICN. "the movie heard you calling it a pussy so it puts on its dick-stomping boots and then surprises your dick with a punch from a fist wearing a cock-punch glove." May be the first time I ever really thought about ROFLMAO.
So if Neill is Patton...
by fight this generation
Dec 18th, 2007
01:43:44 AM
then one can presume Patton did some cock-punch-up work on the script?
If Jay from Clerks and the fat kid from Superbad...
by Heckles
Dec 18th, 2007
01:44:45 AM
...shit out a kid, and that kid wrote a movie 'review', then we get this Neil person. Still better than Harry's 25 cent review.
Lashlarue- now that's funny
by Heckles
Dec 18th, 2007
01:45:52 AM
Excellence.
NEILL! He be illin', man!
by Zardoz
Dec 18th, 2007
01:54:32 AM
Sweet, sweet review as always, Neill. I know a movie will rock when it gets a positive review from him. "...like Georgia Rule with a peppermint cock in it's ass." Pure poetry, I tell ya...
Just a quick question...
by EdmundoDupont
Dec 18th, 2007
02:09:57 AM
Would the movie that Neill has written about really get a PG13 rating?
There are two kinds of people on this talkback
by jigsaw
Dec 18th, 2007
02:11:23 AM
People who understand what Neill is doing, and people who should never be allowed to vote.
READ BETWEEN THE LINES
by Derek Wildstarr
Dec 18th, 2007
02:14:08 AM
if you don't know of the legendary reviewer neill cumpston then you must have started reading aicn yesterday. know that his reviews are satirical and yet incredibly well thought out. read what he wrote, i gained a lot from this review.
i understand
by soup74
Dec 18th, 2007
02:16:16 AM
the "joke." ive been coming to aicn since year one. its just really not that clever. i hope that neill isnt patton oswald, because i love his stand up, but this reeks of trying to hard.
Hello there!
by DocPazuzu
Dec 18th, 2007
02:23:49 AM
And welcome to your first day on AICN!

Hang on... phone's ringing.

.....

Um, it was your sense of humor calling. It told me to tell you it's over between you and to go fuck yourselves.

It's not that we don't understand "the joke"...
by Sledge Hammer
Dec 18th, 2007
02:33:46 AM
...it's that "the joke" isn't even remotely funny to anyone with an iq above freezing point. It's just more of the same try hard predicatble fast patter too-hip bullshit that is flooding every corner of the net these days. Yeah, how very cutting edge. And the fact that people are calling this "the funniest thing I've read all day/year/EVER!" just goes to show that the sooner we become extinct as a species the better. But hey, go back and enjoy, if that's the flavour that you fuck to, I'm sure it'll be just as "cunt-poundingly awesome funny" the thirteenth time through as it was the first twelve. And hey, I think there's a back to back Pauly Shore and Carrot Top marathon on later too, so this just might be the best day ever!
Apparently, Sledge...
by DocPazuzu
Dec 18th, 2007
02:36:05 AM
...you DON'T get the joke because the fucktards you mentioned ARE the ones Neill's making fun of. Fuck, I feel dirty and tainted just having to spell this out to you. Christ...
Probably could've been a decent review if you didn't try so hard
by ScottsWillie
Dec 18th, 2007
02:38:47 AM
Wow, you can cuss. Do you stay up past your bedtime, look at national geographic boobies and unscrew salt shakers at resaurants, also? Man, I'd hate to run into you in a dark alley. Language like that? You have got to be one tough SOB.
Hey ScottsWillie...
by DocPazuzu
Dec 18th, 2007
02:40:41 AM
...here's a tip:

Try reading the TB before actually posting.

Thanks
by ScottsWillie
Dec 18th, 2007
02:43:46 AM
I'd rather get tips face to face but I do appreciate it.
Did 80% of this TB arrive at the site yesterday?
by Alonzo Mosely
Dec 18th, 2007
02:46:35 AM
I mean for fuck's sake, you expect a few, but 80% of the people posting seem to have no clue who Cumpston is...

You don't have to find his shit funny, but at least realize what you are reading... I worry for the next generation of movie lovers, because apparently they are retarded...

Alonzo
by DocPazuzu
Dec 18th, 2007
02:49:45 AM
I didn't even bother with the Mark Twain You Fucking Asshole Awards this time around because the Mark Twain You Fucking Asshole Award factory couldn't keep up with the demand.
Oops-
by DocPazuzu
Dec 18th, 2007
02:51:46 AM
I of course mean the Mark Twain You Fucking Moron Award.
The Cloverfield monster...
by Alonzo Mosely
Dec 18th, 2007
02:53:59 AM
To get back to the movie, the monster appears to have been created by someone who found out about Whale Lice while highly stoned. Do a google seach, or look on Wiki for Whale Lice or Whale Louse and you will see the inspiration. The creature itself seems to be a mixture of whale and the more crab-like louse, while the creature has parasites that fall off, that are pretty much directly based on the whale louse... So there you go people, smoke pot while watching nature programs and you too can come up with ideas for big budget movies...
I know who he is, I know what he's doing...
by Sledge Hammer
Dec 18th, 2007
02:56:51 AM
...or should I say, attempting to do, I've been on this site since it was a damn newsgroup, but I don't give someone a pass just because this is their schtick, especially when that schtick is so monumentally lame and paint-by-numbers to begin with. But hey, go ahead and convince yourself that this is the height of satire...it's no wonder that the US produces the so called "comedians" that it does these days with the bar set so fucking low.
Doc... The Mark Twain moment was a true classic...
by Alonzo Mosely
Dec 18th, 2007
03:00:11 AM
piece of AICN history. A defining moment... I am still waiting for an answer as to why they cut the mice eating aliens...
All that said...
by Sledge Hammer
Dec 18th, 2007
03:02:10 AM
...If this is the shit you rock to, then party on. Not like it's any skin off my balls. Just don't expect me not to have my own opinion on the worth (or lack of) when it comes to this kind of schtick. Especially when I think it was so poorly and predictably done. Me, I'll take Vern's ramblings any day.
Plus which...
by Sledge Hammer
Dec 18th, 2007
03:03:36 AM
...it's not like I had anything better to do right now anyways. I really must buy a life one day...
Some of you must be new here.
by Psyclops
Dec 18th, 2007
03:04:23 AM
I love that there are people who are just now discovering Neill Cumpston. I feel kinda bad for the folks who were looking for any insight into CLOVERFIELD. At least you know that the movie will punch your cock.
I bet its mysterious and completely full of shit.
by SgtElias
Dec 18th, 2007
03:05:12 AM
As soon as a read a spoiler of the "third horrible thing" the creature does to people I'll be done with this shyte till I can see it for free.
Sledge Hammer
by Alonzo Mosely
Dec 18th, 2007
03:10:56 AM
If you are talking to me, my point was that many people in this thread don't get what Cumpston is, and that was sad, as I said, if you understand and dislike, that is fine. Personally, I think he can be hit and he can be miss... I have always ben a drinker of the Vern Kool-Aid, if you go to his website, the Ellis screen capture is my work...

Anyway it is late and I need to crash, wonder how many other people will come in and complain that Harry let some idiot review it who didn't give them spoilers... I imagine they are the sort of people who if you changed the channel on the TV when they were out of the room would complain that the history channel show didn't have a laugh track...

This review is bullshit.......
by godhatesyou
Dec 18th, 2007
03:12:06 AM
What does the monster look like.
I just can't understand people who come to AICN
by Harold The Great
Dec 18th, 2007
03:14:56 AM
and deman normal reviews. There are a shitloads of sites for that. This is review a flawless "Madness? THis is AICN!" moment.
Fair enough Alonzo...
by Sledge Hammer
Dec 18th, 2007
03:14:57 AM
...I can respect that, and I get the opposite side of the argument with people who don't get the gag to begin with, but there are some of us that both got it and still thought it was pretty lame, that's really all I had to say. I'm just burning time right now anyways, otherwise I doubt I'd even be in this debate.
Oh, and Alonzo...
by Sledge Hammer
Dec 18th, 2007
03:18:12 AM
...These sunglasses, they're really nice. Are they government issued, or do all you guys go to the same store to get them?
Dear god it is 4:15 in the morning...
by Alonzo Mosely
Dec 18th, 2007
03:21:23 AM
Why am I - a grown man using the name of a supporting character in a 80s buddy-buddy movie - having a semi-civilized discussion with a man - who is using the name of a character from an 80s comedic cop show - about a successful stand-up comedian who pretends to be a retarded guy who works at a pretzel place to post nonsense reviews on a site owned by a crazy 400lb ginger fucker...

My mom thought I was going to be a doctor...

This movie is like a Pussy that eats YOU out!
by BenFerris
Dec 18th, 2007
03:22:13 AM
I'm gonna make a poster that says that quote. Its the best.
Cumpston tells it like it is...and only as he can!
by KillaKane
Dec 18th, 2007
03:25:03 AM
A breath of fresh air (well slightly tainted by odorous farty air)- Some classic Cumpstonisms in that review. Feeling somewhat reassured that we will get to see a decent carnage quota in this flick along with the demise of a bunch of irritating NYC trendie-somethings. ;-)
It's a fair question...
by Sledge Hammer
Dec 18th, 2007
03:32:43 AM
...none of us here really have the right to judge anyone or anything, do we? Internet posting is basically cosplay for computerbound geeks. Pick a name, choose a personality, and go, go, go!

Go, escape, as fast as you can, sleep and dream of a better world where we all have a purpose and pet monkeys are as common and easy to acquire as internet porn. If only. Ah, if only...

I want to see Cumpston on with Roeper
by Barry Egan
Dec 18th, 2007
03:34:48 AM
the next time Roeper has AO Scott on the show. That would be an interesting show.
Neill Cumpston RULES!
by quentintarantado
Dec 18th, 2007
03:35:50 AM
He's the best reviewer since Francois Truffaut, who later put on a wig and became Pauline Kael!
MONSTERS GOTTA EAT
by sleepyvillain
Dec 18th, 2007
03:43:48 AM
I´ve just read Neills Review: It was Awesome
by Romoehlio
Dec 18th, 2007
03:43:49 AM
who cares if he said nothing about the movie. it was a blast to read, like allways
Did I miss the review?
by xSNAKEEYESx
Dec 18th, 2007
03:44:40 AM
Because all I read was a trashy american trying to be funny and cool by using the word fuck a lot. So much so that it encouraged me to sign up even though Ive been reading this site forever. Some of the people on here are real 100% pure hateful assholes and I hope I never meet you in real life. Sad pathetic prics.
and in case you were wondering...
by xSNAKEEYESx
Dec 18th, 2007
03:45:51 AM
...'prics' are much worse versions of 'pricks'. No really.
Well, Mr. Cumpston....
by closeencounter
Dec 18th, 2007
03:49:13 AM
That was pretty good. But, you're gonna have to do a lot better if you want to top your review of LOTR "The Return of King." That was the most perfect review of all time. Put every other review to shame, it did. Read it here: http://www.aintitcoolnews.com/ node/16641
That "Detailed Review"...
by TheRealMoriarty
Dec 18th, 2007
03:49:47 AM
... that you think got "censored" was simply removed because it's 100% fanboy bullshit. Not true. Not the film.

The six-minute clip that was released was released AFTER that review was initially sent to AICN. Read the "review" and you'll see that they got some huge details wrong, details that have been disproven by the six-minute clip.

It isn't true that it was censored. It's not a scandal. It's just someone desperate to try and prank us who won't take no for an answer.

Specifically PhoenixMagi...
by TheRealMoriarty
Dec 18th, 2007
03:51:41 AM
... calm down because the review you're getting so upset about is a lie, and you fell for it.
Can ya believe I mistook Cumpston for Ferguson?
by Shermdawg
Dec 18th, 2007
04:08:05 AM
For the life of me, I don't know why I thought Turd Ferguson was his supposed handle. (Oops.) Heh, I kept wondering "Man, why does Patton have such a hardon for Ryan Reynolds?" in the Trek talkbacks.
KItty Litter Clumps ton
by quantize
Dec 18th, 2007
04:13:14 AM
I dont give a fuck about what you tards think is humour. That was fuckin drivel of the lowest dumbest, unfunniest order and if that was the point, it was fucking completely pointless. If retard puns involving cock and pussy are what entertains the spazmos around here then this site is fuckin doomed. A.D.D blithering for the text message generation.
I "get it" it's just not funny, or entertaining.
by Guy Who Got A Headache And Accidentally Saves The World
Dec 18th, 2007
04:22:16 AM
Yeah, okay, he's the anti-critic critic, whatever, that's fine, except if it's not even humorous to begin with, you can't get away with ALSO being an uninformative idiot.
Oh yeah
by Guy Who Got A Headache And Accidentally Saves The World
Dec 18th, 2007
04:23:53 AM
I did like this guys 300 review, that WAS funny, and it's entertaining idiocy matched the film it was describing, so it was also informative as well. I don't know what this is supposed to be though.
Neill ... you're fuckin' insane
by ye olde shiza
Dec 18th, 2007
04:59:24 AM
Sounds like an important dream. Don't hold back your feelings!
tha last part was funny
by slappy jones
Dec 18th, 2007
05:11:06 AM
i do hope this guy isn't patton oswalt though....i like patton oswalt......
Apparently...
by swinky
Dec 18th, 2007
05:14:14 AM
Most of the TB'ers here came from a nude beach. I've never seen so many vaginas full of sand!
And thank you to Neil for giving me several early morning smiles!
Awful, awful review
by Trazadone
Dec 18th, 2007
05:18:29 AM
God, I stopped reading after he used the word "fuck" for the 27th time. There's a difference between using swears sparingly for emphasis and using them in every other sentence to sound "cool". Constant swearing is the sign of a stupid person. I wouldn't place any credibility in anything stated in h\is "fucking awesome" review. *sigh* what a wasted opportunity to talk about a very cool-looking project.
Get a Clue, Monkey Dick, Learn How to Write a Review
by kenichi tanaka
Dec 18th, 2007
05:20:49 AM
who's writing these stupid ass reviews? is it me or does every first reviewer who posts it here uses the word "fuck" as every other word. AICN has become nothing more than a degenerate site with Cock Suckers and Ass Lickers thinking they can pass off their shiut as a qualified review. I have a suggestion, take some English classes and learn how to write ...
So someone...
by Tourist
Dec 18th, 2007
05:33:09 AM
...Pretending to be a retard pretended to enjoy it. Right on.
The VOLTRON I Know Would Never Do These Things
by LaserPants
Dec 18th, 2007
05:58:15 AM
So clearly it must be a Robeast. (lol!)
I think (like that matters)...
by 5-15-9
Dec 18th, 2007
06:18:29 AM
...that Cumpston thinks he's (or wants to be) cooler than he actually is. I mean, he's got charisma (-3INT), but that doesn't matter. A person who writes a review is supposed to make the movie the focal point and not their own 3rd grade humor. You can keep my two pennies.
Good times
by Darth Busey
Dec 18th, 2007
06:19:02 AM
I haven't seen a good monster fucks shit up movie in quite some time. Hoping this delivers.
Oh my goodness! A giant pussy is the monster!
by IAmMrMonkey!
Dec 18th, 2007
06:38:38 AM
This is just awesome! It's every (straight) man's greatest dream and fear all rolled into one! And, on some level, it's quite ironic that the very thing which created us is now destroying us!

At university, my flatmates made up this thing called 'the phantom pussy' when we were stoned. We used to say that it was like a facehugger from Aliens and that it was creeping around the dorm waiting to clamp onto our face. You could really freak someone out by making a squelching sound and whispering 'It's coming to get you!' when they were wasted.

Thanks JJ! Thanks for bringing us THE PHANTOM PUSSY MOVIE! Only bigger!

I don't want it to eat me out.

Hells yes.
by Deathpool
Dec 18th, 2007
06:42:10 AM
Always a good thing to get a Cumpston review, fuck the pretentious asshole haters.
Mori liked this review because it insulted AICN readers
by Lenny8
Dec 18th, 2007
06:44:36 AM
Of course
A pussy that eats you out
by Banky the Hack
Dec 18th, 2007
06:47:22 AM
Aren't those indiginous to the country of Rand McNally?
This is a plant, regardless of the use of 'fuck' and 'pussy'
by performingmonkey
Dec 18th, 2007
06:48:49 AM
I don't care what anyone says, this is a plant. Either that or the guy hasn't even seen the movie (nothing that's said in the 'review' couldn't have been said by any fanboy here). I mean, we even know what the other thing the monster does to people is, it's in the trailer ffs, when that woman's expanding and obviously gonna explode. Jesus W H Christ on a crutch petting a rabbit in a hutch, THIS GUY IS BEING PAID TO STIR YOU PEOPLE UP!
CLOVERFIELD = GODZILLA US REMAKE
by DURANGO66
Dec 18th, 2007
06:51:10 AM
That`s an asskicking,fistfucking,ballsucki ng...
by travis-dane
Dec 18th, 2007
06:55:07 AM
skullfucking,anusliking,analra ping, cocksucking,pussyjuicing,deepp enatrating, horsecocking,samendrinking and bullshiting review!
Calm down douch bags..
by Ironmuskrat
Dec 18th, 2007
07:05:03 AM
Good Lord, is everyone on this site new? I can't believe so many people haven't read a Neil Cumpston review before.

Don't worry you angst filled crybabies, you will get your "real" reviews soon enough.

Is this the same guy.......
by godhatesyou
Dec 18th, 2007
07:11:32 AM
...that said it was like Star Wars?
Yank this article AICN
by Yeti
Dec 18th, 2007
07:24:01 AM
you've been had.
WOAH!?!?
by bennozoid1
Dec 18th, 2007
07:27:18 AM
really enjoyed reading that....like words turded out of a giant spider anus sent from outer space to inseminate the english language with diseased brain spores! but in a good way...that has to be THE weirdest, most retarded review of all time, bar none, but there's something quite elegant, almost poetic about this man's work. don't you think? I'm quite beguiled!....
Yeti...huh?
by just pillow talk
Dec 18th, 2007
07:29:42 AM
How have they "been had"?

It's Neil Cumpston.

Holy shit, the tools in this Talk-Back . . .
by Nice Marmot
Dec 18th, 2007
07:30:15 AM
. . . are taking over. Post after post taking Cumpston seriously and calling him out for his humor and writing style. What the hell is wrong with you tards? Cumpston is a legend at this site. You guys make Comic Book Guy on the Simpsons look really fucking cool.
What type of crap is this ????
by Faust_8
Dec 18th, 2007
07:32:00 AM
I mena really, if it hadn't said Moriaty was publishing this stuff since Reloaded, I would ahve called this a plant to try and connect with the 'young hip movie crowd' by throwing in a bunch of slag with 'fucks' and 'pussy' here and there. This makes no god damn sense and really tells us nothing about the movie besides 'shits get's fucked up' DUH !
sounds good
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
07:32:01 AM
From the trailers I saw, I was afraid that throughout the movie we wouldn't actually SEE the monster, just the results of its destruction from the home-video footage. I was thinking how that would be super lame... but this review makes me excited. I will see this.
Where's the miracle grow ???
by Faust_8
Dec 18th, 2007
07:33:06 AM
it's not animal or mineral, so it might be vegetable...
um, no Faust
by just pillow talk
Dec 18th, 2007
07:34:50 AM
He's no plant.
Neil's reviews are the best...
by Phimseto
Dec 18th, 2007
07:36:07 AM
...and I thank him for reminding me of one of my favorite lines from Jay & Silent Bob Strikes Back: "Dude, why do they call you 'Cock-Knocker'?"
no plant, then a raving lunatic
by Faust_8
Dec 18th, 2007
07:36:09 AM
just throwing it out there
A Matter of Taste
by YakMalla
Dec 18th, 2007
07:37:25 AM
Guess it comes down to that. Personally, I think he's hilarious. So what if this wasn't particularly informative? Then you'd be screaming that he gave away the movie. And to everyone who was offENded by the review perhaps should be reading elsewhere. AICN is not known for its gentility, thank god.
Amen YakMalla!
by just pillow talk
Dec 18th, 2007
07:42:51 AM
If you don't like Neil's reviews (yes, he has done many for AICN), then you know in the future NOT to read them.

This is how his reviews read. Get the fuck over it. And he's not a plant. Ridiculous.

yeah YakMalla
by Faust_8
Dec 18th, 2007
07:43:39 AM
I can see your point, but some of the things I like about AICN is that they give their own twist on reviews in their own witty intelligent way. This review lacked wit, not that I am offended by it in any way
review was a good read, worthy of many accolades!
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
07:43:51 AM
It was entertaining. Why is everyone getting so bent out of shape over it?

Why so serious?

This was funny?
by scudd
Dec 18th, 2007
07:45:26 AM
Sorry, but anyone can take George Carlin's list of words that can't be said on television and use them as the basis to write a movie review. This guy tried way too hard.
This review is like the dick that deepthroat's YOU!
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
07:46:28 AM
Is that why you all are so serious? Why so serious?
Total waste of a webpage
by m_prevette
Dec 18th, 2007
07:50:20 AM
Come on - why post shit like this? This isn't a review, it's space wasted by a moron. Not a single rational, useful thought was shared. Even IF this jack-off has seen the movie, who would trust a word he says? And it also says a lot about those who let it be posted on the site as a "world exclusive". It's just sad.
Great Review Neil!
by BranMakMorn
Dec 18th, 2007
07:52:25 AM
It's even funnier with all the humorless TB'ers comments who are unable to decipher the review's ironic wit.
SERIOUSLY... do you eat with that mouth?
by darqness
Dec 18th, 2007
07:57:14 AM
Love that the guy gets the inside goods, but apparently the faux-celebrity has made him a nasty-ass ranting... oh yes, and raving lunatic. Ya not funny fella. Just give the info, and go.
Ironic wit ?!?
by Faust_8
Dec 18th, 2007
07:58:02 AM
Irony:the use of words to express something other than and especially the opposite of the literal meaning So I guess he's telling us the movie sucks.
The lack of Funniness
by JimmyJingles
Dec 18th, 2007
08:01:15 AM
at this site appalls me. WHALECRAB LIVES!!!!
actually turk...I'm gonna have to use it too
by just pillow talk
Dec 18th, 2007
08:04:11 AM
Why so serious?
it's fun
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
08:08:18 AM
See? It holds unlimited power.
I'm even laughing hysterically while typing it
by just pillow talk
Dec 18th, 2007
08:10:55 AM
I don't quite understand the strange looks I'm getting at work...
Well, you know what to say to them...
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
08:12:43 AM
Just ask them...
Sticks Up Asses
by SoWasRed2012
Dec 18th, 2007
08:16:06 AM
What's the point of reacting to a Neil Cumpston review with such out and out hostility? Yeah he's profane, and not exactly good at actually "reviewing" the movie - but that's been his MO since FOREVER, if you don't like his "style", don't read his stuff anymore! It's like going into a McDonald's, ordering a beefburger, and then complaining that it's got meat in it. If nothing else this review serves as a minor piece of amusement that marginally reinforces my desire to see this movie. And I don't agree that people who find this funny are somehow of sub-par intellect, or even that Mr. Cumpston is, it is possible to laugh at low AND high-brow humour. Plus it takes skill to string that much profanity together coherently.
No wonder the 2girls1cup reference
by SpencerTrilby
Dec 18th, 2007
08:20:31 AM
since JJ is is producing and/or directing turds as if it came from his ass. Nice review Neill: I had a good laugh but still not interested in this uber-marketed faux Godzilla.
SoWasRed2012, you would be right if...
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
08:21:06 AM
McDonald's actually used "meat" or "beef" in their burgers. *shudders*
Goddamnit
by seppukudkurosawa
Dec 18th, 2007
08:22:45 AM
Just when I thought the 1-cup-2-girls zeitgeist had finally simmmered down enough for people to stop reminding me to visit that page to masturbate furiously, Neill of all people returns to AICN to knock me off the bandwagon.

Your review only just about makes up for ruining the rest of my month.
If this is even 1/2 as good as 2girls1cup
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
08:23:08 AM
I will be watching this many times. Just as I have the *full* 2girls1cup movie (not the pussified version found on that website). It makes my pants tight just thinking about it. Back to work I go...
JUST GIVE ME MY PRETZEL AND SHUT YOU HOLE YOU BITCH
by BringingSexyBack
Dec 18th, 2007
08:27:03 AM
I don't like your work attitude but the review is awesome. You should be reviewing full time and leave the pretzel job to a cute girl who'll blow me if I buy a dozen.
NEILL CUMPSTON IS THE BEEFBURGER OF FILM REVIEWERS
by BringingSexyBack
Dec 18th, 2007
08:29:52 AM
and Vern is the footlong hotdog of film reviewers. NUFF SAID
Cock Punch Glove?! SOLD!!!!
by Stuntcock Mike
Dec 18th, 2007
08:33:02 AM
.
Informative? I say Yes.
by YakMalla
Dec 18th, 2007
08:33:24 AM
I'm still sputtering in disbelief at all of those who were offended, as if they were reading this at aintitcoolhavingteawithJesus.c om. As to the not informative charge, I say thee nay, and here's why: All anybody interested in a monster movie wants to know if a) it kicks ass, b) it frightens excrement out of said ass, and c) Matthew Broderick/Poochie/H.E.R.B.I.E is in it. Answers from the review: a) yep; b) check; c) yes, but dealt with appropriately (see a)).
OKAY I JUST THREW UP IN MY MOUTH
by BringingSexyBack
Dec 18th, 2007
08:34:18 AM
Went to that 2 girls 1 cup site. I'm about to retch. fucj
The "world exclusive" bit annoys me :/
by Flipao
Dec 18th, 2007
08:34:37 AM
It's fun to read and all, but... meh.... "I saw cloverfield and it was great!"
Vern
by Shakes
Dec 18th, 2007
08:39:34 AM
This review feels like a pale imitation of a Vern review. When Vern does it things are clever and make sense. This guy is like one of those comedians whose jokes only work because he goes blue. Take away the "fuck" "shit's" and "cock's" and this is nothing more than a 12 year old talking about the new Tony Hawk game. Vern's articles would be just as good without the vulgarity.
I can stands no more...
by Shut the Fuck up Donny
Dec 18th, 2007
08:39:36 AM
I have been coming here for years and never thought I would have to partake in this nonsense, but MY GOD. I had to create an account and offer some positive feedback just to offset the load of horseshit I'm seeing in this talkback. Neill, your review--as always--was a joy to read. That being said, I'm saddened that you had to sully the oh-so-sensuous Rhea Perlman in the process.
2 Girls 1 Cup
by YakMalla
Dec 18th, 2007
08:43:51 AM
I'm worried about those girls. Don't they know that sharing a cup is a good way to spread germs?
THE GUY WORKS IN A PRETZEL STAND AT THE MALL FOR GOD'S SAKE
by BringingSexyBack
Dec 18th, 2007
08:44:11 AM
You'd be vulgar too if you were in his place.
SHUT THE FUCK UP DONNY
by BringingSexyBack
Dec 18th, 2007
08:45:56 AM
How can someone come here for years and never post in the Talkbacks? How is that possible?!?!!
turketron...
by SoWasRed2012
Dec 18th, 2007
08:47:21 AM
Touche.
Great, another comedian reviewer
by jimmy_009
Dec 18th, 2007
08:51:51 AM
Just what this site needs, another douchebag that thinks he's going to get a standup gig from his "hilarious" review on AICN.
Alonzo Mosely
by William Landis
Dec 18th, 2007
08:56:25 AM
I dare say you're in bed now, but that last post was the funniest thing I've read in some time.
My Favorite Review of All Time
by the_stranger
Dec 18th, 2007
08:57:06 AM
This made my day and made me laugh. So great man. So, so great!!!
review or hype
by dr.bulber
Dec 18th, 2007
09:05:44 AM
i cant read fanboy speak!
the_stranger
by jimmy_009
Dec 18th, 2007
09:10:41 AM
You are the reviewer trying to make yourself feel better about everyone dumping on you. This would not 'make the day' of anyone else but that sorry ass reviewer.
Cloverfield
by Madcapper
Dec 18th, 2007
09:11:27 AM
hmm..good review. Not spoiling the film, just letting us know that new york gets messed up, and that we get to see the monster bite peoples heads of..I might go see it..:)
have to say
by Halfbreedqueen
Dec 18th, 2007
09:15:41 AM
the review did seem a little lazy. the whole angry "maddox" thing just seems a bit old now. it's predictable. time for something NEW and "funny shocking."
This review is a crab
by Mirrorball Man
Dec 18th, 2007
09:21:22 AM
This review is 90% crab-like, 10% apeshit.
Sounds a bit like Starship Troopers
by Knobules
Dec 18th, 2007
09:23:09 AM
Where the first part is pretty people and stupid issues. Then its just a friggin masacre. Also that reviewer above needs to take ridilin. Your only kind of funn bub, trying too hard. Next time read your material in front of someone and keep the funny stuff.
THE CLOVERFIELD WITCH PROJECT
by uss cygnus
Dec 18th, 2007
09:26:06 AM
"JOSH!!!!!"
Re: BringingSexyBack
by Shut the Fuck up Donny
Dec 18th, 2007
09:27:07 AM
If I had got caught up in all the debates on here like some of the people do, I'd never have finished law school. But then again, the experience in bullshitting might have been helpful.. But now I've graduated and I'm currently unemployed. Maybe now I can work on honing my skills!
...Jalapeno Cheddar Pretzel, Extra Cheese On The Side
by uss cygnus
Dec 18th, 2007
09:27:10 AM
And a large Diet Coke, bitch.
I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH JOE'S CRAB SHACK
by uss cygnus
Dec 18th, 2007
09:29:50 AM
And the "Cloverfield" combo plate movie promo is selling like hotcakes.
In the immortal words of Ripley...
by DocPazuzu
Dec 18th, 2007
09:33:21 AM
..."Did I.Q.'s drop sharply while I was away?"

Holy shit, you idiots are still here, thicker than whale omelettes and more plentiful than ever. Alonzo is right, it doesn't matter if you think Neill is funny or not, but the sheer amount of dopes who don't even understand that the joke's on them is staggering - surely a new record for a Cumpston talkback.

Good God, you people suck.

Holy Christ was that awful.
by deathstar73
Dec 18th, 2007
09:34:15 AM
Was that review in English? My eight month old could've produced something more coherent.
I'm still waiting...
by DocPazuzu
Dec 18th, 2007
09:37:47 AM
...for the first asspickle to say: "I was just kidding, I knew it was a joke all along!"

Will it be you, deathstar73?

Pussy that eats you out...
by jambone
Dec 18th, 2007
09:38:58 AM
is an alien facehugger, right?
STFU DONNY - LAW SCHOOL OR TALKBACKS ... HMMMMMMMM
by BringingSexyBack
Dec 18th, 2007
09:40:47 AM
I woulda chosen Talkbacks but you made your decision now you have to live with it. But congrats on making it through.
ROFL @ Talkbackers actually critiquing Neill's review
by Shigeru
Dec 18th, 2007
09:50:01 AM
Are you new to AICN or just fucking retarded?
I was re-reading Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas last night
by I am_NOTREAL
Dec 18th, 2007
09:54:43 AM
and then I read this review, and one seems almost like a continuation of the other.
CLOVERFIELD MONSTER GOES APESHIT = CTHULHU
by Abin Sur
Dec 18th, 2007
10:06:38 AM
Yeah, I can read between the lines...go Cthulhu!
and who here actually thinks he works at wetzel's pretzels?
by occula
Dec 18th, 2007
10:07:22 AM
come on, people, really. and yes, his ROTK review is the best evar, hands-down!
I LAUGHED AND LAUGHED
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
10:07:28 AM
I think that some of the responses in here whining about how they didn't like the review are the funniest thing to come out of here.
CTHULU IS WEAK
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
10:09:24 AM
It's power level doesn't even register on my scouter. It would get beaten Trunks vs. Frieza style by the Cloverfield monsta.
so weak I don't care to spell it's name right
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
10:09:48 AM
umm hmm.
Horror Awards
by bobbyjoe1985
Dec 18th, 2007
10:11:50 AM
Join the Facebook group, "Horror Awards" to vote for the best horror films of 2007!
Worst Talkback ever?
by Burgundy82
Dec 18th, 2007
10:13:20 AM
What a sorry band of uncultured fucktards. Who knew AiCN still attracted this many new readers? Who knew there was such a huge readership turnover in the first place? And who knew none of the fucking newbies had any shred of a sense of humor?? Do a search for Neil Cumpston and shut. the. fuck. up. I'm looking at you, Jimmy_009, you fucking dicksneeze.
CTHULHU laughs at your puny TB posting, Turketron...
by Abin Sur
Dec 18th, 2007
10:14:41 AM
He LAUGHS, then he picks you up and eats your head. Go Cthulhu!
IT'S A LION AND IT'S HUGE
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
10:14:55 AM
So, is this movie really "The Lion King 3: Scar's Revenge" complete with a giant zombified mutated lion dripping with enormous maggots and other vermin? I think so.
chlthu has a mouth?
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
10:17:29 AM
If so, I guess there will be a scene where the Cloverfield monster takes an enormous diarrhea dump into it! I will laugh and laugh.
burgundy...chill
by jambone
Dec 18th, 2007
10:29:25 AM
asshat
I have been accused of being long and rambling and prone to typi
by emeraldboy
Dec 18th, 2007
10:29:59 AM
but when I read a headine that is error strewn as cloverfield monster goes apeshit. that should read has seen cloverfield monster go apeshit. why do i get attacked for bad spelling and not this guy who is regular reviewer. its unfair i tells ya!
HOBBIT- where's the story on AICN????
by ptindy
Dec 18th, 2007
10:32:14 AM
http://www.thehobbitblog.com/ Academy Award-winning filmmaker Peter Jackson; Harry Sloan, Chairman and CEO, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios Inc. (MGM); Bob Shaye and Michael Lynne, Co-Chairmen and Co-CEOs of New Line Cinema have jointly announced today that they have entered into the following series of agreements: * MGM and New Line will co-finance and co-distribute two films, The Hobbit and a sequel to The Hobbit. New Line will distribute in North America and MGM will distribute internationally. * Peter Jackson and Fran Walsh will serve as Executive Producers of two films based on The Hobbit. New Line will manage the production of the films, which will be shot simultaneously. * Peter Jackson and New Line have settled all litigation relating to the "Lord of the Rings" (LOTR) Trilogy.
loves me some Neil...
by Grendy
Dec 18th, 2007
10:34:08 AM
i love that the 'spoilers' really don't tell ya much. right on. I am still jazzed about this, and will be taking a crew to go see it. tho, i will not sit next to my friend i saw I Am Legend w/ this past sunday...he was jumpy as hell in THAT, I can't imagine watching Cloverfield and not wanting to beat him to death. Good, and entertaining work, as always, Neil. I promise not to come in 2 minutes before closing and fuck up yer cinnamon nets, 'kay?
Trying too hard to be someone else.
by Diagnostic
Dec 18th, 2007
10:35:19 AM
Yes, the review for Grindhouse was hilarious. This review just wants to be insulting, and that kind a ruins the funny stuff.
BTW, Well ritten review.
ps.. burgandy 82?
by Grendy
Dec 18th, 2007
10:36:05 AM
dicksneeze is my new favorite word. Werd.
Holy Shit!
by DocPazuzu
Dec 18th, 2007
10:38:19 AM
That Hobbit news is real! Oh, the talkback madness to come!
Cumpston's ROTK review was gold.
by SpencerTrilby
Dec 18th, 2007
10:41:55 AM
Still waiting for the "League of Extraordinary 70's icons" flick, or whatever you name it.
why so serious?
by addyadam
Dec 18th, 2007
10:43:33 AM

by MarkPhantom
Dec 18th, 2007
10:45:46 AM
People aren't taking exception to this review because it's so outrageously radical and anti-critic that we just can't understand it. It's just annoying to read a review that doesn't make an ounce of sense, then have a ton of talkbackers tell us we're too stupid or humourless to appreciate it. I have a sense of humour, I just don't understand why this is considered a hot, first-screening review that eserves to be the first posted here. I don't quite understand. Was it posted by AICN's staff to annoy everyone? Stuff like this I can understand seeing after the film's out, but I come to AICN to see actual news.
spencer, have you seen it yet?
by occula
Dec 18th, 2007
10:47:03 AM
i'm still waiting to hear what you think of indy without frenchification! (did i offend you there?)
Harry?
by bobjustbob
Dec 18th, 2007
10:49:20 AM
Is that you?
MarkPhantom
by DocPazuzu
Dec 18th, 2007
10:50:35 AM
No, you're wrong. Most whiners here don't understand that it's a joke or don't understand how it's a joke.

True Fact.

I had a long dream about the male star of the movie two nights a
by darrenspool
Dec 18th, 2007
10:53:08 AM
lol. faggotry!
Joke
by Shakes
Dec 18th, 2007
10:54:56 AM
I'll be honest, I don't get the joke. I just reread it and it reminded me of when Michael Bay was on the Imaginationland episode of South Park. "there's a motorcycle, then there's a building, and it goes eeergghh." The reviewer is TRYING to be outrageous and funny. He's trying to go off on weird little tangents like the stuff about the Pretzel babies and sound clever, but it just sounds like a 12 year old on a sugar rush. Is that the joke? Someone please enlighten me.
No offense Occula
by SpencerTrilby
Dec 18th, 2007
10:55:03 AM
I'm too lazy to get offended. And WAY too lazy to find Indy's original VHS. I'm gonna stick boycotting that joke of a boxset until Paramount quits this indecent HD payola and brings the Blu Ray on.
Neill !! Its been too long..
by skimn
Dec 18th, 2007
10:55:56 AM
still loved Neill's Mom's review of Spiderman 3..a classic.
Nothing new
by liljuniorbrown
Dec 18th, 2007
10:56:54 AM
Nice review but but did I come away with that I didn't already know? I know oxycontins are good, thanks for the reminder harry, now i might relapse, I also knew that the monster in this movie sheds smaller monsters which I think is brilliant,(not as brilliant as oxycontin though) and people get destroyed along with NY. Sorry I just kind of expected a little more insight, funny review though,nothing like being a mall cat to make someone hate the public.
The douchebag level here is rising
by Heckles
Dec 18th, 2007
10:57:03 AM
So, if you don't think this person is funny, then you either just started reading this site or don't get the humor or both? Let me offer another option: it's not funny. Hipster AICN talkbackers. A new breed of douchebag.
Hobbit news!
by jimmy_009
Dec 18th, 2007
11:01:59 AM
Peter Jackson agrees to produce the Hobbit, to be released in two parts, 2010 and 2011
executive producing
by wildphantom07
Dec 18th, 2007
11:10:51 AM
with Fran Walsh is the only fact we know. They haven't announced a director yet
Can someone really confirm that Neill's
by skimn
Dec 18th, 2007
11:11:44 AM
Patton Oswalt?
Parents' Resource Council Approved Translation
by YakMalla
Dec 18th, 2007
11:18:34 AM
Dear Drew: Your readers may be interested to know that I was privileged to take in an advance showing of "Cloverfield". As I have found work tiring of late, this came as a welcome break. Here I found a catharsis of sort. The film not only delivers the visceral thrills one hopes for in a film of this sort, it ups the ante in ways so innovative I dare not describe them to you lest I ruin the fun. At the outset this seemed doubtful, as the presence of two young lovers threatened to pull the film away from its true nature, but this proved to be a sumptuous ruse, placed here to enhance the delights to come. And what delights! I found my imagination stretched beyond what I previously thought was a reasonable limit. While this is a classic creature-attacks-Manhattan film, this terse description fails to capture the sheer ferocity of the event. To make matters worse, the beast brings forth foul spawn to further distress the somewhat self-absorbed populace. A subsequently revealed power of the creature I will leave undescribed so as to maximize the emotional wallop it brings forth. While some mild continuity errors prevent me from recommending the picture without reservation, they pale in comparison to the high entertainment value delivered. The film's producers may feel free to contact me if they are in need of a few pithy bon mots to adorn their advertisements. In short, quite a merry adventure! Yours in Christ, Neill
Ah America, 100% irony-free.
by Christopher3
Dec 18th, 2007
11:29:24 AM
New to the site or not, one would truly have to be retarded to take a Neill Cumpston review at face value.
TWO brilliant reviews! Cumpston and YakMalla!
by Ninja Nerd
Dec 18th, 2007
11:32:59 AM
LOL...now I actually want to see this movie. Before, I had the whole "Blair Witch" vibe; a crapload of hype over nothing. Now...this may be worth the price of a ticket. Any word on IMAX for this puppy?
THE MONSTER IS MANBEARPIG
by J-Dizzle
Dec 18th, 2007
11:34:01 AM
EXCELSIOR!
Great Review
by Madines Sideshed
Dec 18th, 2007
11:43:53 AM
laughed my ass off. superb
God damn...
by Gatsbys West Egg Omlet
Dec 18th, 2007
11:44:48 AM
what a great review.
Still sounds dumb as fuck
by alienindisguise
Dec 18th, 2007
11:52:08 AM
for real.
Alright dammit, I'm usually a lurker but I have to post
by Cartagia
Dec 18th, 2007
12:04:48 PM
I understand that some people think that Neil is funny and others don't (I finding fucking hilarious)... BUT the number of people that don't get that he's been reviewing for the site for years is mind bottling. I'm mean, for Lando's sake, the very beginning says he's been doing it at least since his "Matrix: Kingdom of Ass-Kicking" review. Jebus.
I read the review...and it's awesome
by Chutch
Dec 18th, 2007
12:08:24 PM
but the problem is this guy's reviews are better than his tastes in movies. this is the same guy who called grindhouse something like "a handful of jack-off while learning karate in your balls " right?
I kinda hate these fuckity fuck "i'm too hip" reviews.
by Cinemajerk
Dec 18th, 2007
12:10:49 PM
I call these type of reviews "fuckity fuck" reviews, because they sprinkle the f word all over the review along with weird curse filled analogies thinking they are all hip and shit. But you know what? They're not. Take out that self important cursing crap, and what have you got? NOTHING. A lame review.
It's NOT manbearpig...
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
12:11:56 PM
We don't have the special effects to render such a creature for a live action movie yet. Our only glimpses at manbearpig will be through the genius animators for South Park, for now.
YakMalla - that was fucking great!
by just pillow talk
Dec 18th, 2007
12:14:28 PM
Great "translation" work.
If Cumpston and Vern fought each other...
by mr.brownstone
Dec 18th, 2007
12:18:27 PM
It would be like Gigan Vs. Rodan. Vern is Gigan. And then Foywonder shows up and he's Mothra. Whoever loses... WE WIN!
YakMalla
by mr.brownstone
Dec 18th, 2007
12:23:57 PM
Please promise to do that for every Cumpston review from this day forth. Awesome.
Classic Cumpston!
by onemanarmy
Dec 18th, 2007
12:24:28 PM
Keep up the good work.
And to hell with the nay-sayers. If you don't like the review, you're obviously on the wrong website. (>!!)>(>00)>BUTTSECKS!
Holy fuckety-fuck!
by Abominable Snowcone
Dec 18th, 2007
12:25:32 PM
That's some dick-stomping, cock chokingly good motherfucking fuck of a review! Fuck!
HEY XIPHOS
by BringingSexyBack
Dec 18th, 2007
12:31:38 PM
What up homes? YOu back home yet? HAPPY CHRISTMAS hope you're doing well.
why do i have the feeling...
by BigTexas42
Dec 18th, 2007
12:32:12 PM
that i enjoyed that review more than i'll enjoy the movie?
Just watched the trailer again...
by Abominable Snowcone
Dec 18th, 2007
12:42:02 PM
My two main problems are these.

1) I'm pushing late 30s now, and I find it hard to identify with kids in their 20s or stories told from their points of view. They just lack credibility to me. Which may be more the fault of writers, who give their young heroes too much of this "Dawsons Creek Abercrombie Fritch" look and pathos.

2) the story (and movie) is supposed to be based on film taken from one of the witnesses' cameras, who was apparently at a going-away party for a friend. Ummm...I don't know about you, but even for Christmas I only use up one mini-DVD worth of stuff. Plus, I'm guessing that the camera person did not bring their power adapter to the party. I mean, who would? My point is, the camera person appears to be getting way too much footage for someone who was probably supplied only to shoot some tape of his friends at a lame-ass poseur party where all the guys have that on-purpose bedhead look and day-worth of razor stubble and a sportcoat from 1979. I hope they're all killed.

WHAT'S NEXT, A MOVIE MADE FROM A CAMERA PHONE?!?!?!
by BringingSexyBack
Dec 18th, 2007
12:43:45 PM
Shakey Cam must be destroyed.
sounds like they will be, abominable
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
12:45:22 PM
judging form the review, it sounds like you will get your darkest wish
Faust8
by BranMakMorn
Dec 18th, 2007
12:53:26 PM
Read DocPaz's comment, the irony concerns TB'ers like you and... oh WTF am I explaining this to you for?...
Yay! Dead poseurs!
by Abominable Snowcone
Dec 18th, 2007
12:53:36 PM
Murdered Abercrombie models!
BSB
by Abominable Snowcone
Dec 18th, 2007
12:57:39 PM
They should call it the "unsteady cam," as opposed to the, aw you know, the steadicam that the one dude invented for Rocky. Because "Bourne Identity Cam" is too long a name. But "shakey cam" has served us well for the last couple years...
He's never let us down before.
by V'Shael
Dec 18th, 2007
12:58:31 PM
If it was crap, he'd have told us it was crap.
Cock
by Semen Stains
Dec 18th, 2007
01:03:29 PM
N Balls.
SOMEBODY tried to imitate the writing style of I Watch Stuff!
by tompiltoff
Dec 18th, 2007
01:04:10 PM
And failed.
Unreadable
by XAOS
Dec 18th, 2007
01:04:56 PM
Seriously
Lions Are Giant Pussies
by SithlyLongFellow
Dec 18th, 2007
01:06:27 PM
"It's a lion!" equals a pussy eating you out. Hmmm...sounds logical to me. A lion is a giant pussy(cat). Maybe the creature is a giant 'lion' inspired by the artwork of H.R. Giger. A giant 'lion' with a very goth-like biomechanical body.
In the cold light of day...
by Alonzo Mosely
Dec 18th, 2007
01:12:52 PM
Apparently the 80% ratio of moronitude has stayed, an impressive feat. Give yourself a hand people...

Oh and William Landis, thanks for the compliment, I am going to call my mom and tell her, that should make up for me not being a Doctor...

"Blair Witch" style shaky-cam in IMAX..?
by skimn
Dec 18th, 2007
01:12:55 PM
Bring forth the buckets for which to vomit upon...
perfect time for cumpston
by ArcadianDS
Dec 18th, 2007
01:15:56 PM
for a while, it was as if Neill had a weekly column and he couldn't maintain the constant drive to out-do himself at that pace.

I think the time off has made this review all the more entertaining to read, even though its slight on movie details. The point people are missing is that Neill writes to ENTERTAIN US, not to INFORM US. Accept him for what he is - he is not Vic Tayback. I'm not sure why I even made that reference, but basically what I'm saying to the Cumpston haters is, "HEY DINGY! PICKUP!!"

That is all.

I can't wait for the Unrated Cloverfield Director's Cut to hit..
by kirttrik
Dec 18th, 2007
01:20:26 PM
...shelves in 2009. I'm expecting it will have scenes to scary for theaters. It shall totally be off the hook.
funniest moment in this whole talkback
by ArcadianDS
Dec 18th, 2007
01:22:13 PM
----quote----

Great, another comedian reviewer by jimmy_009 Dec 18th, 2007 08:51:51 AM

Just what this site needs, another douchebag that thinks he's going to get a standup gig from his "hilarious" review on AICN.

-----end quote----

and yeah, for a moment i thought this guy was actually Patton trying to play off his own irony, but no, this guy actually meant the post above. What a douche.

Sorry if this has been said already but...
by carlalexander
Dec 18th, 2007
01:25:23 PM
...isn't this just a remake of Godzilla 1984?
A lion with a pussy for a mouth = 2x
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
01:26:43 PM
You could get eaten by two pussies at once.

SithlyLongFellow you made my day.

So does YakMalla = yackbacker?
by Rickey Henderson
Dec 18th, 2007
01:43:18 PM
Rickey demmands to know!
Ahhh, the n00bs.
by Lenny Nero
Dec 18th, 2007
01:49:28 PM
Every time Neil writes a review, a group of people complain about the writing, having no knowledge of Cumpston's history on the site. It's a great yearly chuckle.
Hey Newbie Morons, let me explain...
by coop
Dec 18th, 2007
01:51:28 PM
So you can stop showing your ignorance. Neill is a CHARACTER! OK so you don't get it, it would be like watching Stephen Colbert or Andy Kaufman for 2 minutes without context or prior knowledge and then complaining about it loudly to everyone who just rolls their eyes at you. Just keep your comments to yourself, you'll be happy you didn't make a fool of yourself later.
What the hell is a "cinnamon net"?
by Fireball XL-5
Dec 18th, 2007
01:58:38 PM
I want one.
Rickey Henderson
by YakMalla
Dec 18th, 2007
02:01:57 PM
I'm not yackbacker. Don't know him, although it sounds like he's the subversively hilarious well-hung type.
"I saw it"...
by bobjustbob
Dec 18th, 2007
02:06:01 PM
"He's a lying." Bets on market tie-in: Red Lobster or Long John Silver? Joe's Crab Shack?
Once again...
by Professor.Heinrich.Von.Squawkenc luck
Dec 18th, 2007
02:06:50 PM
The magisterial lunacy that is the Cumpston divides and conquers...? I am not arrogant enough to tell you what to think or do.. but there are plenty of "ever so serious deeply involved analytical etc etc" reviews of this film on't t'Interweb.. This isn't one of them. Take it for what it is (a hugely irreverent and offbeat film review) and move on from there. This isn't now, and never was, an English Lit. site.. If structure, form and reason are your particular bags then, quite frankly, you are reading/posting upon the wrong website. There is reverence.. and there is irreverence. Both have their place in this world.
Steven King will be upset if you give away the ending.
by Diagnostic
Dec 18th, 2007
02:10:22 PM
this review was not Neil's best.
thank you coop
by BigTexas42
Dec 18th, 2007
02:15:09 PM
for explaining the "character" thing to everyone who is too uptight to relax and read a fun little review. you guys better never read the Onion or you'll shit your brick at all the "bad reporting".
Kurzinski Valentine
by YakMalla
Dec 18th, 2007
02:19:57 PM
Must you stoop to using profanity on this site?
Okay I pretty much have to bow down to Yak now...
by JasonPratt
Dec 18th, 2007
02:22:14 PM
That was great. I second (or third or infinity plus one or whatever) the vote for you to do a followup translation for all future Neil posts. {g!} *** Next up, the actual point to the Neil reviews == not exactly to mock reviews.
whatever you say fella
by michaels username
Dec 18th, 2007
02:24:14 PM
so i guess i should laugh at every time you say "fuck, cock, vagina, etc?" and who let a middle school student in to see this movie before its released, and who let him write a review about it. and for anyone who wants to call me a "noob" and say that "i dont get it" you can rest assured that i get it, its just not funny. its juvenile humor that got old when i was in high school. cue the "shut up fag" comments...
So This is The Monster?
by ThomasServo
Dec 18th, 2007
02:25:38 PM
http://tinyurl.com/yoc4gk
2 Girls 1 Cup
by mwrisner
Dec 18th, 2007
02:25:55 PM
No matter what disgusting things a man can dream up ... women can ALWAYS out do them!
Neil Review == satire of MOVIEGOER mindset
by JasonPratt
Dec 18th, 2007
02:30:23 PM
Specifically of one type of moviegoer mindset. It isn't to mock this or that kind of review, per se. (Though it can kind-of do that, too.) Agreed that this wasn't his best outing--probably because "Neil" is trying to work within spoiler constraints unlike his Matrix or X-men or "Hobbit-Man: The King Returns" reviews (at least one X-man review predates his Matrix Reloaded review), but it's also possible that after we see the movie lots of things in the review will suddenly become hidden refs.
Not sure what's funnier;
by Hugh G Rekshun
Dec 18th, 2007
02:30:41 PM
a) People thinking the 'review' was funny, b) People complaining about the 'review', c) People thinking that this WAS a movie review, d) All of the above
I knew the monster was a leprechaun.
by Mr.Vess
Dec 18th, 2007
02:31:12 PM
Green, going for gold (he was stomping toward the banks)... What, that he's big? No matter. He's like the Russian gnome - "Russian gnomes are the biggest gnomes in the world!", they said... And now those details settle it: he bumps into buildings? He scratches his back on a wall? He crosses streets sideways? Of course he does! Have you ever observed someone stumbling out of an Irish pub in the middle of the night and trying to walk back home?
DatoMan413
by Heckles
Dec 18th, 2007
02:31:54 PM
Did you take offense or just felt the need to chime in? Don't answer, I care very little. Was more of a blanket comment in the first place. All is well, go have a Tab and bask in this fantastic review. Hip fella.
It all happens inside a snowflake.
by bc1970
Dec 18th, 2007
02:33:19 PM
spoiler.
That review made me laugh - sue me
by SpencerTrilby
Dec 18th, 2007
02:41:50 PM
what's wrong with you people?
BRANDED!
by 3 Bag Enema
Dec 18th, 2007
02:54:59 PM
All but one man died, There at Bitter Creek, And they say he ran away ... Branded! Marked with a coward's shame. What do you do when you're branded, Will you fight for your name? He was innocent, Not a charge was true, But the world will never know ... Branded! Scorned as the one who ran. What do you do when you're branded, And you know you're a man? And wherever you go for the rest of your life You must prove ... You're a man!
Best Neill Cumpston review EVER...
by SleazyG.
Dec 18th, 2007
02:58:15 PM
...simply for the sheer number of shittards who are so completely clueless it makes me weep for the future of humanity. Oh, and for all you foreign readers saying it's another "stupid American" writing the review? Bad news: your educational system failed you, too. You're so goddamned thick you don't even know when you're being taken for a ride. Here's a hint: take your head out of your ass and try looking out the window at the world whipping past you.

It's a sad, sad day when Neill Cumpston gets the short end of the stick because a bunch of pretentious asslicks come to AICN looking for a Michael Fucking Medved review. "Hey, he's not serious enough! And he didn't describe the monster! And he swears like he's in a Tarantino movie! He musta gotten paid by the studio to not actually describe the movie!"

Yup, you're right. It's that he's stupid--not that the joke's on you. By the way, MENSA called--the next four generations of your descendents have all been officially fuckin' disqualified on the basis of your genetic predisposition against reading comprehension.

mwrisner, that's because
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
02:58:27 PM
Women are batshit insane when it comes right down to it. Everyone knows this!

just out of curiousity where is everyone getting the crab thing
by thareign23
Dec 18th, 2007
03:06:54 PM
is it from the slusho site cause that site is giving me a sealife vibe as the monster
Did Harry write that? ---hahahahahahahaha
by JDanielP
Dec 18th, 2007
03:07:11 PM
He's got be relation, at the very least. (heh,heh)
Yet again...
by Hasselhoffflying
Dec 18th, 2007
03:08:30 PM
another great review from Neill that brings the Darwin candidates out of the woodwork trying to be all serious LOL.
How many dummies will buy it in HD?
by JDanielP
Dec 18th, 2007
03:09:34 PM
heh,heh
Thank you SleazyG.
by Professor.Heinrich.Von.Squawkenc luck
Dec 18th, 2007
03:10:12 PM
It wasn't the best of the Cumpston though... That honour belonged to the reviews of "300" or "The Return of the King"... pure gold.
Breaking news: Neil Cumpston is an act
by SpencerTrilby
Dec 18th, 2007
03:12:00 PM
as well as Midol Girl, whose real identity is Jeff Rustnak, a 29 years old cosplayer working nightshift at Blockbuster's hotline to finance some camwhore-he-never-met's degree. Sad but true. So get over it haters.
so the cloverfield monster is????
by GavinVanDraven
Dec 18th, 2007
03:18:49 PM
a crabby vagina with teeth?
PLANT PLANT PLANT PLANT PLANT
by Ray Gamma
Dec 18th, 2007
03:23:42 PM
MORIARTY AND AICN ARE TEAMED-UP WITH THESE FUCKERS AND THIS IS THE PLANTIEST PLANT REVIEW YOU HAVE EVER READ ON THIS WEBSITE, FOLKS.
The Blair Giant Monster Project aka Cloverfield Won't Top THE HO
by LaserPants
Dec 18th, 2007
03:26:50 PM
THE HOST being, hands down, the best giant monster movie ever made. CLOVERFIELD will probably be pretty neat, but it ain't gonna touch THE HOST which, is, as I said, the bestest giant monster movie EVAR.
CARROT TOP GOTTA EAT
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
03:43:09 PM
I can totally see bits of his red hair falling off and shambling around, devouring helpless people, while Carrot Top himself totally destroys everything in his path with his ingenious devices. As for the third thing he does? Who can say...
PS. TO THE STUDIO AND AICN...
by Ray Gamma
Dec 18th, 2007
03:44:04 PM
Don't insult our intelligence by posting this sort of review, obviously written in a 'sarcastic pretzel shop dude' style in the hope that the target 'demographic' will identify with the reviewer. It's so obvious that it's insulting.

If you really believe that it's necessary to fill your plant reviews with 'pussy' comments and 'dick' jokes, in order to sell the movie to us, then that is a very revealing insight into the reason today's movies have become so disposable and moronic.

To all the readers on this forum; The staff "writers" at AICN are obviously pulling your chains. They have been foisting these so-called trusted reviewers on you for a few years now. But the truth is, these guys are all part of a little network. If you look back at this particular reviewer's previous submissions, for instance, you'll see that he's promoting the same companies over and over.

Some of us readers aren't stupid enough to fall for it anymore, guys. Either come clean about this or watch your credibility fall apart as the readership gets wise to what you're doing.

Of course I'm overly sensitive.
by SleazyG.
Dec 18th, 2007
03:44:05 PM
I just got cockpunched by somebody who I thought was gonna stomp on my dick with their dickstomping boots instead. Never saw it comin'.
PPS advice to readers
by Ray Gamma
Dec 18th, 2007
03:47:29 PM
copy my post above and keep it somewhere on your desktop. because sure as hell it will disappear shortly today, and I'll probably be banned too, mysteriously.
I am disregarding every Cloverfield review until...
by qweruiop
Dec 18th, 2007
03:49:10 PM
somebody finally describes what the monster looks like! EVERY single review so far has only given the vague description that the monster is big...and that's it. I mean come on, it's so obvious these "reveiwers" haven't seen it, otherwise they'd be gleefully describing something that nearly every internet user wants to read about. Seriously, if anybody knew what the monster looked like by now, wouldn't they be posting a description of the monster on as many forums as possible. Until somebody finally describes the monster in articulate detail, I'll just assume they haven't seen it and are only highlighting items from the trailer and the synopsis.
I'm all with you Ray Gamma, but
by SpencerTrilby
Dec 18th, 2007
03:50:30 PM
Fox (X-Men), Warner (300) and Paramount (Clover-Hyped-Field or whatever they call this shit) or the Weinsteins (Grindhouse) are hardly "the same companies". They were even rivals last time I checked.
i agree with kurzinski valentine
by T-Rizzle
Dec 18th, 2007
03:50:58 PM
send a review in with actual shit i want to read and not some lame-ass pretzel-baker who uses hyphenated curse words to cover the fact he really has nothing to say.
Please stop, just stop...
by DocPazuzu
Dec 18th, 2007
04:03:41 PM
I can't believe the obstinacy on display here. Just face it: if you don't get the Cumpston joke then more likely than not, it's YOU who's being made fun of.

I think that if one were to read the Cumpy talkbacks in chronological order one would quickly see that the percentage of irony-challenged asstards has steadily increased. Even with that in mind, this particular talkback must represent a quantum leap in the number of droolcocks cluttering the board.

The end is truly nigh.

This is a fake review......
by godhatesyou
Dec 18th, 2007
04:09:35 PM
A real review would have a description of the monster.
Cockpunch = pleasurable?
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
04:09:51 PM
I think that as long as I had a boner (probably obtained from watching 2girls1cup), and said cockpunch was done by a hot 18-23 year old lady friend (or enemy), and she didn't hit me in the balls, it might feel kind of good. Now, of course, it wouldn't feel good if the "cockpunching glove" was something like an ice cold frozen metal gauntlet dipped in fire ants and broken glass.
Ray Gamma
by Professor.Heinrich.Von.Squawkenc luck
Dec 18th, 2007
04:15:18 PM
You over estimate your own importance bub... Price check on aisle 9?? You best get to it Ray..
wow...
by Russman
Dec 18th, 2007
04:18:20 PM
Looking forward to this!
mutiny33 - that's fan art
by Russman
Dec 18th, 2007
04:21:39 PM
The links to the pic is fan art. It's on one of the Cloverfield fan sites and it's listed as fan art.
I don't want to know what it looks like...
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
04:22:19 PM
I hope they never reveal it in any trailers. I want to be surprised in the theater. Hell, I already know too much...Whale Lice? GIANT ENEMY CRABS? WTF? I gotta resist the urge to googlegooglegooglegoogle....
But what if it looks stupid?
by godhatesyou
Dec 18th, 2007
04:28:37 PM
Then you have been surprised by by a stupid looking monster.
Thank you Neill!
by buffywrestling
Dec 18th, 2007
04:32:19 PM
Always a pleasure to read his reviews.
so what is the joke of thie Review?
by Russman
Dec 18th, 2007
04:36:00 PM
I haven't read his other reviews so I don't get it. Can someone be kind and explain please?
You dont suppose...
by Dkev00
Dec 18th, 2007
04:39:16 PM
The monster is actually a giant Opera Winfry do ya? How's that for a fuckin image.
i can only hope
by occula
Dec 18th, 2007
04:39:54 PM
that the monster is actually a guy shuffling around in an alien suit, leaving half-full glasses of water all over manhattan.
in on the joke
by Shakes
Dec 18th, 2007
04:41:07 PM
Okay, I'll admit I was one of the first to criticize the review. I didn't "get" it. Sorry, I just use this sight to see who's going to play Iron Man and to read Heroes talkbacks. There seems to be two groups defending the review, one bitching about no one getting that its a joke, the other saying its just fun and irreverent. To the latter crowd, those of us complaining about it are not complaining about the vulgarity. We're complaining that it's the kind of unimaginitive vulgarity that a 12 year old who just discovered R rated movies would say. "This fucking movie kicks fucking ass and so awesome that it kicks your dick all the way through Kathy Griffin's vagina." The kind of stuff you'd hear from the teenagers walking out of Live Free or Die Hard at the theater and thinking that it was the most badass of the Die Hard movies. Now that I realize it's a joke and a character however, I'll hold my complaints of future Cumpston reviews. I understand that its a joke, even though I don't get what the joke is.
Detailed Description Of The Monster! Read It Here!
by Buzz Maverik
Dec 18th, 2007
04:43:58 PM
Tall, slightly stoop shouldered. A sensitive, expressive face. Deep set, soulful eyes -- 1,000,000 of them, to be exact. A stately brow. Her true beauty is marred only by a less than classic nose ... or as I like to call it, a barbed snout. Quick to smile and show those dazzling teeth, each twenty feet long and rapier sharp. A sensual mouth, prone to poutiness and dripping acid. Lean, atheletic body, rangy and sinewy. Artistic fingers, that would perhaps be playing piano concertos in a better world, the type of world where pianos are the size of Manhattan. Long legs that seems to go on forever, except that they end in stumps and leave prints like oil tanks. Playful, almost frivilous. Keenly intelligent yet purely evil. An appetitite for destruction than masks a yearning sentimentality. Ah, the impressions. Fins. Flippers. Tentacles. Claws. Scales. Gelationous glop. All in one cute little package. It may sound like I'm talking about the late Audrey Hepburn, but rest assured, when you see CLOVERFIELD on 1/18/08...,well, you'll have the large nachos with jalepenos!
FORGET THE SHRIMP HONEY.....
by Stuntcock Mike
Dec 18th, 2007
04:44:17 PM
I'M COMING HOME WITH THE CRABS
WTF?!?!
by Violator90
Dec 18th, 2007
04:44:26 PM
That was not a review! That was the ranting of a meth user! Fuck! the was the worse review I had ever forced my eyes to read. I should kick the fuck that wrote this in squaw in the nut!
true, surprised by a stupid looking monster would suck...
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
04:48:34 PM
I agree, it would suck to go into the movie knowing nothing about the monster and then having it be as shitty as something I'd see on "Megasnake!" (a Sci Fi Channel original). But for some reason, this time I'm willing to stick my junk through the glory hole and get what's coming to me, good or bad. I don't know why.

by paladinryan
Dec 18th, 2007
04:49:02 PM
Cool new commercial: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v =O17IRHHOaes
Cool new commercial
by paladinryan
Dec 18th, 2007
04:49:22 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v =O17IRHHOaes
They were all... Crab People...
by turketron
Dec 18th, 2007
04:51:03 PM
Craaabb People. Craaaabb People...
Take a writing class.
by WX1
Dec 18th, 2007
04:51:32 PM

You know . . . I'm just going to say it: I've been reading AiCN off and on and, well, I think I now know why I read the 'site so off and on.

Some of these AiCN reviewers can say in a few paragraphs for what they take an arm's length of words to address.

I mean, after I read stuff like the following:

"And if that wasn’t bad enough, the giant monster starts rubbing itself on buildings, and then stuff falls off it’s gross body and crawls the fuck away – only the crawling-away stuff doesn’t stay away for long, if you know what I mean."

I'm simply exhausted. I read novels, more classic than current. I've read "Paradise Lost." So, I know what it's like to read lengthy prose.

Boa vs Python > MegaSnake
by classyfredblassy
Dec 18th, 2007
04:53:09 PM
Snakehead terror and Mansquito are the rulers of all sc-fi channel originals.
I saw Cloverield too!!!!!!!!!
by xcornealiousx
Dec 18th, 2007
04:58:32 PM
The moster takes a dildo and sticks it up every resident of nyc! Then he slaps it on strap on style and destroys every landmark...THIS MOVIE RULES. Lamest review Ive ever read. Tard.
Professor.Heinrich.Von.Squawkenc luck
by Ray Gamma
Dec 18th, 2007
05:00:18 PM
quote: "You over estimate your own importance bub... Price check on aisle 9?? You best get to it Ray.."

Hahaha, apparently important enough to provoke you to post that defensive remark, you transparent wanker.

PS ...
by Ray Gamma
Dec 18th, 2007
05:02:58 PM
P.S. just another thought for the day:

When did movies suddenly start getting made by these fucking neanderthal jock-types who can't even defend their execrable cinematic shite with a bit of well-written English?

Take a writing class, part II
by WX1
Dec 18th, 2007
05:07:23 PM

Cripes. The heck happened to the rest of my post. 'Ey, maybe the same kind of truncation should apply to AiCN reviewers, heheh.

Anyway, to continue, some of these AiCN reviewers would do good to read one of those short books on writing (writers of writing books know folks who need to write something are pressed for time; is why they keep their books short) or take a course on writing. You'll learn how to make your writing more efficient, more economical . . . you know, to the point.

If all this "HOOLOOBAH-LAH, this, and, ooh, that F&*KIN' THAT, and, I COULDN'T F*&KIN' BELIEVE MY F*&KIN' EYES, YEAH, YOU'D DO GOOD TO SELL YOUR FIRST BORN TO CATCH THE F*&KIN' FIRST F(*KIN' GLIMPSE OF SOMETHING NO ONE ELSE WILL SEE 5 YEARS BEFORE THE FIRST F*(KIN' TRAILER IS HACKED ON THE F*&KIN' 'NET," rhetoric means to keep the reader in suspense? You fail. That kind of narrative gets boring after the first few paragraphs.

Please AiCN reviewers, spoilers, whatever . . . we got other things to do. Tell us the goods or don't.

I'm Going To Cloverfield This Weekend...
by Buzz Maverik
Dec 18th, 2007
05:10:16 PM
I sometimes take Cloverfield off the 10 when I want to get to Venice. But you have to drive through these residential neighborhoods with speed bumps, so I usually exit on Centinela and hang a right on Ocean Park...
hahah at the last paragraph
by BurgerKing
Dec 18th, 2007
05:24:41 PM
Pretty funny.
WX1, you're a friggin' genius.
by SleazyG.
Dec 18th, 2007
05:28:12 PM
"...some of these AiCN reviewers would do good to read one of those short books on writing..."? REALLY? REALLY? Seriously: "would do good to read one"? How about "would do WELL to read one", "or would be well-served by reading one", shithead? Or is it possible that the guy bitching about somebody's grasp of language is, in fact, no better than those he's criticizing?

Neill is not meant to be concise, efficient, or factual. You're just too fucking thick to get the joke, which makes the joke all the funnier for those of us who graduated from high school.

I remember back in the old days, when you didn't know about something and got put in your place for it, you either shut your piehole and slunk away or you spent the time to learn about it. Not nowadays, though: instead we get a buncha jackasses who figger if they bray louder when they're caught with their dicks hanging out nobody'll notice they're jackasses. Don't work that way, jackasses. I'd say thanks for playin', but you're all busy playin' Candyland while the rest of us play I'm Not Cockdrool.

Best review i've read in ages
by Thomas Cromwell
Dec 18th, 2007
05:31:32 PM
Mate, can you please move to the UK and edit Empire Magazine please? Your crazed, yet brilliant style is just what those arse licking need. Please save us from Empire automatically giving Tom Cruise's latest 4-5 stars whilst calling for him to win an Oscar. ARRRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Ray Ray..
by Professor.Heinrich.Von.Squawkenc luck
Dec 18th, 2007
05:32:57 PM
"Quote....Hahaha, apparently important enough to provoke you to post that defensive remark, you transparent wanker....unquote" Tee fucking hee.. defensive? Nope, merely literal... Of course that is reflected in my miniscule interpretation of the commentary of self important internet based personae such as your good self. For example Ray Ray.. examine this screed of yours.. "copy my post above and keep it somewhere on your desktop. because sure as hell it will disappear shortly today, and I'll probably be banned too, mysteriously" Well firstly you are obviously still posting and, secondly, your original post is still on public display... And I am the transparent wanker?? Cock. As is your self aggrandising bullshit pasted here..... "Don't insult our intelligence by posting this sort of review, obviously written in a 'sarcastic pretzel shop dude' style in the hope that the target 'demographic' will identify with the reviewer. It's so obvious that it's insulting. If you really believe that it's necessary to fill your plant reviews with 'pussy' comments and 'dick' jokes, in order to sell the movie to us, then that is a very revealing insight into the reason today's movies have become so disposable and moronic. To all the readers on this forum; The staff "writers" at AICN are obviously pulling your chains. They have been foisting these so-called trusted reviewers on you for a few years now. But the truth is, these guys are all part of a little network. If you look back at this particular reviewer's previous submissions, for instance, you'll see that he's promoting the same companies over and over. Some of us readers aren't stupid enough to fall for it anymore, guys. Either come clean about this or watch your credibility fall apart as the readership gets wise to what you're doing." Please provide some reasonable rebuttal at least... And save me the tired repository of the duvet dampened ejaculations of your keyboard warrior personae. You are an extremely confused and bitter arse wipe. IMHO.
Translation to English, please
by jdb1972
Dec 18th, 2007
05:39:33 PM
I don't speak Wannabetarantinoese.
Its Sigmund the Sea Monster!
by LaserPants
Dec 18th, 2007
05:44:18 PM
SIGMUND THE SEA MONSTER VS. HR PUFFINSTUFF!!! Grab yr ankles! BADOIOIOING!
Cloverfield Plot Spoiled! Read It Here!
by Buzz Maverik
Dec 18th, 2007
05:46:44 PM
Shakey cam is a smoke screen to cover up the real gimmick of this monster movie:

12 terrorists seize control of a giant monster. Their object: $100,000,000,000 is gold hidden in the monster's colon.

But there's one thing they didn't bargain on:

An ex-cop, swallow by the monster and being slowly digested since the pre-9/11 style action movies. He's a shoot-first-ask-questions later wiseacre who just won't give up...

Take a writing class, part SleazyG.
by WX1
Dec 18th, 2007
05:48:58 PM

First of all, if we're going to nitpick, the comma goes inside of the quotes, SleazyG.

"Neill is not meant to be concise, efficient, or factual." Really? THEN, WHAT'S THE DAMN SENSE OF READING AiCN info?! Isn't AiCN supposed to be the bastion of getting fringe information?

Admittedly, you bring up a good point that I failed to cite -- edits! Thanks for bringing up the fact that AiCN requires an editor.

"'Do good'" vs. "'Do well'" -- well, that's something that needed to be edited, I'll admit. Nice to see you got my point, though.

If there's humor here, I DON'T get it. Take that write-up and randomly show it to others -- see if THEY start guffawing and rolling on the floor after reading that confusion.

Lastly, and above all, such AiCN writers can continue to write like how they're currently doing . . . and they can reap the all of the rewards that they gain from doing so. Yeah. Big Hollywood money, right?

"Come Out To Tokyo, Have Few Laughs..."
by Buzz Maverik
Dec 18th, 2007
05:50:04 PM
The pitch: It's like DIE HARD, but on Monster Island...
Cumpston review = rorschach test . . .
by jocutus
Dec 18th, 2007
05:51:48 PM
And somehow, a lot of people have managed to fail this test.
"Cloverfield Monster Gone Apeshit".
by Pennsy
Dec 18th, 2007
06:01:06 PM
There's a sequel ALREADY? Damn, the first one isn't even out yet! ;)
Neill GodCritic
by conscripted
Dec 18th, 2007
06:04:08 PM
Neill: you must pray, son...but keep rockin' too.
Will we find out why it's calling fucking CLOVERFIELD???
by AdrianVeidt
Dec 18th, 2007
06:06:03 PM
Seriously, what's the story behind that within the context of the movie?
the mutant blue whale and the
by Scorpio1031
Dec 18th, 2007
06:10:26 PM
It a mutant blue whale and whale lice. That picture is the basic concept, the fanboy art stuff was a ploy to make you think it was not the Cloverfield monster.
cranky
by foree forehead
Dec 18th, 2007
06:13:31 PM
neil, whoever you are, you aren't mr. cranky. unless you are, in which case im sad.
This SIte is Operated by 3 Year Olds
by kenichi tanaka
Dec 18th, 2007
06:21:20 PM
This review just confirms it ... at least the other reviewers, Harry and the others, are easier to understand ... but this Cumpston idiot is just that ... an idiot. CUMPSTON, when you learn to write a review, then please, entertain us, but don't write a piece of crap like this and call it a review.
Was this review written by the Superbad kids?
by The Winged Doucheman
Dec 18th, 2007
06:23:26 PM
Needs cock illustrations.
I just got back from a private screening...
by The Dum Guy
Dec 18th, 2007
06:38:34 PM


It has the biggest twist ending ever.
There aren't any actual cocks in the movie.
First off Bruce Willis is actually dead the whole time and is a ghost, but before we find that out the guy who played the Punisher (not Dolph) shoots everyone in the head right before the military shows up...
If so many people hate this review, then why is it #1 in the TBs?
Kurzinski
by AdrianVeidt
Dec 18th, 2007
06:42:05 PM
Thanks for your kindness and maturity in directing me to the answer. Douche.
Actually, the whole "punctuation in the quotes" thing...
by SleazyG.
Dec 18th, 2007
07:13:18 PM
...is still a matter of great debate. I tend to believe that if the text you're quoting doesn't include the punctuation, it doesn't belong inside the quotes as it effectively renders the quote incorrect. Some books on writing agree, some don't. The ones that don't are quite simply wrong.
Cloverfield Monster - REVEALED - *SPOILERS*
by Scorecard
Dec 18th, 2007
07:19:22 PM
I saw Cloverfield last night - The monster truly is something nightmares are made of... It's a massive version of the terribly overweight ranga who runs this website... Ranga gotta eat!
CLOVERFIELD monster has CRABS!
by red_weed
Dec 18th, 2007
07:22:21 PM
That must be why it's rubbing against those buildings. It's ichy. And the things that fall off are the giant monster sized crabs. and of course anyone that gets in it's path also get crabs. Alternatively anyone who goes to see the movie could get crabs. How's that for a william castle gimmick?
how do we write it so it doesn't sound like it's from...
by Maniaq
Dec 18th, 2007
07:26:42 PM
a PLANT???

let's see... oh I know - let's make the guy sound like a FUCKING PSYCHOPATH
Welcome back Neill
by Scrolly
Dec 18th, 2007
07:28:35 PM
You are truly a god among men. If you don't review Indy4 I'll track you down and give you a cleveland-steamer. You have been warned.
Thanks Neill, I Love You!
by TommyShag
Dec 18th, 2007
07:39:39 PM
There is nobody out there that can write a review like Neill. I love this guy, in a totally hetero-sexual way.
Just in case you need an ROTK review refresher to catch up...
by Alfred_Packer
Dec 18th, 2007
07:50:12 PM
"Whenever cool movie series get to the third movie they suck dicks like they’re trying to become Emperor of Dicksuck-ylvania. George Lucas had Star Wars, and then Empire Kicks Ass, and then all of a sudden it’s Planet of Furry Faggoty Fuckheads. Then he had to make two more to feed the Suck Demon that was holding his children hostage, and those movies went beyond gay to where they’re paying old people to take a dump on them. Even this summer, with MATRIX: SUDDENLY GAY and TERMINATOR: I LOVE COCK, the Rule of the Suck-y Third Movie got re-proven. If the third X-Men movie had come out this summer it probably would have been some crippled crock of crap where Wheelchair Charlie traps Fuck Yeah Wolverine in an illusion mind-trap where Wolverine thinks he’s a time traveler from a hundred years ago romancing Meg Ryan in right-now New York. Of course, the X-Men movie would try to redeem itself in the third act by having Wolverine realize it’s a mind-illusion and cut Meg’s head off and play dodgeball with it, but it would be too late and here comes my extra large Sprite at the screen. But guess what? One movie series turned that rule on its head. One 3-movie series said, “Wait a minute, we’re going to make the 3rd movie SO tits it will make the FIRST two movies look gay.” I just saw HOBBIT-MAN: THE KING RETURNS and that’s the movie I was talking about in the last paragraph. This movie will make you forget that if you stick a knife in your belly you’ll bleed to death so do not bring a knife to this movie. It’s also, thank fucking God, LOUD. Even if you bring an iPod so you can listen to VH during the Elf parts you’ll take it off because I swear to fucking Roth you do NOT know where the next big bang is going to come from, or when something big is going to crunch someone’s skull while you picture that person getting their skull crushed is really your neighbor upstairs that plays Dido all day or that dude at the Starbucks who’s always reading and looking all smart. Oh yeah, the movie is also 3 hours and 20 minutes, and I think it’s almost four hours if you sit through all the credits (it was all pencil sketches of the characters, which I think means they ran out of money). So if you bring some chick who’s all like, “I have a spinning class tomorrow” or “I’m thirsty” tell her to go home and watch Gay Dudes and the Straight Guy because this movie takes fucking commitment. I saw the one dude in front of me who was with this girl, and the President of Warner Brothers came out and said, “This movie is three hours and twenty minutes,” and before I could say, “So what, gaylord” the chick says to the dude she’s with that she has to GO. And he LET her go because this movie kicks so much ass you can SENSE it even before it starts. And this chick was a stone fox, and he probably could have made out with her, but he was like, “I’m going make out with this movie,” that’s how good it is. See ya, hottie. This movie starts with the origin of Golem – that creepy guy who looks like Iggy Pop and wears Tarzan pants and wants the invisible-ring. He’s still on a quest with the two hobbits - Rudy from the film RUDY and Fredo - to throw the ring into a volcano (this is like a serious version of JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO). The ring is also evil but you keep thinking, while you watch it, that someone should put it on and check out some boobs. I have a feeling those scenes will be in the DVDs. At the same time, the two other midget-men and the giant hippies have seriously fucked up that one evil guy’s tower (he was Count Duke in Star Wars: Every Cock in the Universe Up My Ass Part II), and they hook back up with Magneto, and also that chick with the bow and arrows and finally the Giant Midget with the Axe. Oh, and also that I Don’t Want to be the King/I Am Destined to Be the King Dude is with them, and he has this whole other story where he pretty much decides to be the King because, I mean, pussy for miles. This is where I started getting really confused, though, because they start talking about kingdoms and alliances and there’s a lot of lines like, “Rohan shall ride!” and “Gondor still stands!” and “Flabadan Son of Rectum must wear the mantle of Bloggith!” and also there’s some shit with the elves that’s like being in a fucking candle store for twenty minutes. But the movie is only doing this to set up the BATTLE OF SHIT-YOUR-PANTS, which isn’t the actual name of the battle but SHOULD be because you will shit stuff you did not eat when you see it. It all has to do with the fact that one of the midget-men takes this orb from the bad guy and he looks into it and sees the glowing eye’s plan (or part of it – something about a tree dying and Enya music playing). So he and Magneto go to this huge white city where the king is being a dick and just eating dinner while every puke-ugly bad-ass on the planet starts surrounding it, ready to open a Wal-Mart that only sells ball-stomp. There’s this one medium-sized battle in a city that is like the last line of defense for the Big-Ass White City and it’s pretty cool, with a lot of head-crunching and these huge flying bat demon things that I swear to God grab horses and the dudes riding them and fuck them up from the floor up. They’re really loud, too, and a lot of chicks and older people were covering their ears. Meanwhile, Rudy and Fredo and Golem are getting closer to the volcano, and Golem makes Fredo hate Rudy, and then tricks Fredo into a cave where there’s a giant spider and FUCK that was really scary because even in real life giant spiders are bad news. Someone told me that all of the spider stuff actually happens in the second book in the series, and that they had to tweak some of the stuff that happens in the books to make the movies work. You know what? Good. Books suck. They used to be good back when people didn’t have movies and TV and dressed like Davey Crockett. People also used to ride horses and drink tea, but now we have cars and Sprite. Move the fuck on. Peter Jackson did an amazing job adapting these books, and now the movies are so kick-ass that some people are going to go back and READ the books, which wouldn’t have happened if he’d just filmed the books exactly as they are. Happy now, smarty? Let me give you an example of how NOT to make books into movies: This summer a huge bucket of farts came out called LEAGUE OF ADVENTURE GENTLEMEN. It was about how a bunch of characters from old-timey books got together and fucked up bad guys. And NO ONE SAW IT. Why? First, they picked a bunch of characters like Invisible Man and Mr. Hyde and Dracula-Woman and Huck Finn. These are all characters from books that were written five hundred years ago. Huck Finn was actually written before writing. These are the kind of books they make you read in summer school but you’re all like, “Fuck you, I’m going to play Sonic on my Sega” and you totally complete all the levels by August. So who the fuck is going to go see a movie about characters and people they’ve never heard of (the movie acts like you’re supposed to know who these people are)? Like I said before, MOVIES are the new books, so how about this for a movie (I even thought of a good title): ______________________________ _____________________ TEAM 1970’S FOOT-TO-ASSERS The movie opens: A cult killer tries to assassinate Chauncey Gardiner, the President of the United States. Before the brainwashed assassin dies he gasps the word, “Cyrus” and takes a poison pill. Senator John “Bluto” Blutarsky forms a super-team to infiltrate New York and take down the “Cyrus” cult. This team is made up of “Bruce” (from ENTER THE DRAGON), “Dirty” Harry Callahan, a now-teenaged Regan MacNeill (who is a stone boner machine and also has devil powers), “Quint” from JAWS, who’s upper torso washed ashore after the shark attacked him, and who has now been made bionic by Oscar Goldman and OSI, and finally Beau “The Bandit” Durville, who’s driving his Trans Am. They enter New York with the Bandit driving like a fucking maniac, and Dirty Harry shooting people out the window and Regan making people’s heads explode and shit. Wow! They get to the center of the Cyrus Cult headquarters in the middle of Central Park and confront Cyrus. He’s controlling his subjects with a glowing Chevy Malibu. Bruce goes totally Jackie Chan on everyone while Harry and the Bandit battle their way to the car. Quint dies bringing down all the cult killers, and they drive off with the Malibu. They also find out that Cyrus was trained by the Parallax Corporation. Back at the White House, they get their next assignment. They must take down the Parallax Corporation, which is being run by Gregory Marmalarde. They are creating an Army of brainwashed super-killers at their facility at Crystal Lake. These new killers are indestructible and a step above the cult killers of Cyrus. For this phase of the mission they are joined by CIA agent Vincent J. Ricardo (from THE IN-LAWS) and off they go. They blast their way into Parallax Headquarters, only to find their way blocked by the new generation of super-killers – hockey-mask wearing motherfuckers who have all undergone the “Vorhees treatment”. Bruce and Regan take on the killers, while Harry and Vincent go for Marmalarde. That’s when he reveals his newest, greatest killer – New York taxi driver Travis Bickle, who’s undergone the “Vorhees treatment” and is a virtual arsenal of different guns, knives – all of which appear from his wrists, chest, even eyes. Bickle killed Marmalarde’s frat brother Douglas Neidermeyer in Vietnam. Harry dies fighting Bickle, but not before killing Marmalarde. Ricardo searches the Parallax files, only to find that Parallax is only a tiny part of a much bigger, much more evil power – the Thorne Corporation, run by Damien Thorne. He has a huge facility in the Nevada desert, near Area 51. Their final mission is to deliver the Chevy Malibu to Area 51. The Chevy contains a weapon which can defeat Thorne’s final plan. Thorne’s compound is patrolled and protected by driverless trucks from DUEL and a bunch of those devil limousines from THE CAR. Two teams are sent in – The Bandit, driving his Trans Am with Regan and Bruce, and another driver named “Kowalski”, who will drive the Malibu along with Ricardo. They battle their way through the devil trucks and demon limos until they penetrate Thorne’s headquarters. He’s got every character from every boring-ass indie film in the last twenty years strapped to posts in this huge chamber full of leather-y ALIEN eggs. The eggs are hatching and putting face huggers on the douche bags from WALKING AND TALKING and SEX, LIES AND VIDEOTAPES and CHASING AMY and everyone from every Henry Jaglom film ever made and killing them. There’s nothing anyone can do – they have to stand and watch while all of these characters are slowly and horrible killed before our eyes, and they hatch into Aliens. That’s when “Kowalski” opens the trunk of the Malibu to reveal: ROY NEARY, JR. This is the half-human/half-alien offspring of Roy Neary from CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND and he starts going outer space whup-ass on the aliens along with Bruce Lee. The Bandit looks at the camera, winks, and smiles. (There can be a lot of shots during the closing credits of The Bandit cracking up). Ricardo and Regan work their way to Thorne’s headquarters where there’s this huge demon battle between Regan MacNeill and Damien Thorne that will make the audience go, “We need new words for ‘HOLY FUCKING SHIT’”. ______________________________ _____________________ See? Use characters from movies thirty years ago, instead of from books five hundred years ago. And by the way, that’s only using characters from 70’s films. I also have plans for an 80’s team of ass-kickers and a 90’s team. Everyone who was into movies from before 1969 is dead, and we’d actually better hurry with the 70’s thing, now that I think of it. Also, I totally copy-wrote this with the Writer’s Society, and I also know a 400 pound man who will man-rape anyone who makes this movie without me. Okay, back to HOBBIT-MAN, although at this point it’s just wall-to-wall awesome. The Battle for the White Mountain City has trolls and elephants and catapults and a battering ram that looks like a dragon head on fire. Also, earlier Gandalf scares off the flying bats-things with his glowing staff. In the battle for the White Mountain City Gandalf just runs around giving orders. How about turning the bad guys into babies or something with his staff? But that would actually cut down on the ass-kicking so, actually, fine. The I Don’t Want to Be The King Guy gets a bunch of ghost warriors to fight, and that’s just awesome when it happens, and also the elf chick with the bow takes down an elephant all by herself, and the Giant Midget keeps killing people with his axe. Then when THAT battle’s over and you’re thinking, “Just air comes out when I spooge now” they stage a whole OTHER battle at Evil Town to distract the orks so Golem and Rudy and Fredo can get to the volcano. And I won’t reveal what happens in the volcano except to say it involves Fredo and Rudy getting right to the very edge, but at the last second Fredo turns evil and decides not to throw the ring in, and puts it on instead so he turns invisible, buy Iggy shows up and bites off Fredo’s finger and Iggy falls with the ring into the lava and Evil Town is completely destroyed. You will have to find out the rest for yourselves. I hate spoilers. You can totally leave at this point but there’s an extra half hour of everyone relaxing and going home and being happy and I guess they put that in so you can realize your pants are choked with poop from all the battle scenes, so thanks. There’s also an Annie Lennox song over the closing credits. ????? How about Led Zeppelin’s “Ramble On”, which is where they got the name Golem, or “Ain’t Talking ‘Bout Love” by Van Halen? Peter Jackson has proved with these films that he is the man to bring A-TEAM to the screen. Five stars. Best movie of the next four years. "
tv spots
by Turingtestee
Dec 18th, 2007
07:55:22 PM
a few sites (shit, maybe here . . . havent looked) have the tv spots. there is a sequence where people panic after someone shouts out "we got a bite here", or "shes been bitten". i remember a talkback here a couple of months ago about the little monsters and thier bites. im wih mc-909, its a whale. and there is something about the dougbot art that to me rings true. kinda want it to be cthulu.
Rated PG-13
by theBigE
Dec 18th, 2007
08:07:27 PM
How rough could this movie be? It's only PG-13.
HILARITY
by Judge Briggs
Dec 18th, 2007
08:14:21 PM
Gawd, this review was fucking funny!
Neill: That Review Was Kick-Cock!!
by SkinJob69
Dec 18th, 2007
08:15:52 PM
As usual, your words kicked ass with a boot made of burning meat!! Looking forward to your next post!
Here's the TV spot (poor quality, but still...)
by Pennsy
Dec 18th, 2007
08:17:49 PM
http://youtube.com/watch?v=7aO y-2DEG8k
possible review
by Shakes
Dec 18th, 2007
08:31:59 PM
I just found this "review". For all I know it might have already been debunked on this site. http://www.1-18-08news.com/fo rum/vie wtopic.php?t=4478
The fact that …
by b-rock
Dec 18th, 2007
08:39:36 PM
Neill's review has spawned a debate about how to write a proper review has me giggling. Somewhere, God is laughing, too, and I pray that he someday bitch slaps all the Neill haters in their pussies -- karmicly speaking.
Neill Cumpston, you ROCK.
by That 70s Venom
Dec 18th, 2007
08:54:56 PM
Keep the laughs coming man. I will always love your reviews. :)
YOU. FUCKING. N00BS!!!!!!!!!!
by Mr. Nice Gaius
Dec 18th, 2007
08:57:20 PM
I can't believe that in this point in AICN's history that there are still Talkbackers who don't get the joke of Mr. Neill Cumpston. I literally have to shake my head in disbelief.

Lowly n00bs. You don't deserve to post on this site.

NO CTHULHU DANCE FOR YOU!

I love all you dicks...
by Scorecard
Dec 18th, 2007
09:02:01 PM
...who are defending this guy as a "joker" and ratting on all the talkbackers who are taking him seriously... Im not taking him seriously, it doesn't mean it's a drop dead hilarious review that has me splitting my sides with laughter... Even though I know it's a joke - I still think he's a juvenile wank stain... In FACT - KNOWING it's a joke just makes him more of a fuck-tard.
so let me get this straight...
by Kazzer
Dec 18th, 2007
09:05:17 PM
This Neil is a guy with a beard who is cool because he smokes weed and has seen a living girl's breasts. He's Keving Smith on ADHD. have we gotten that straight? cock jokes and family guy are funny, hmm? yeah, it's what i thought, this neil guy is a tool.
here's my review of golden compass
by Kazzer
Dec 18th, 2007
09:21:07 PM
let me illustrate how i can ramp up some language(either to be ironic and stick it to all those *hipsters* or just because i'm allegedly this weed-smoking badass two people have ever met) to review a movie and illustrate nothing that wasn't obvious from the trailers: THE GOLDEN COMPASS (or rather the golden com-pussy) i know what i expected after fuckin' rollin' into this cinema, having just blown my wad to jesus tarantino christs's grindhouse: this is gonna be some fancy-pants wand-waving kid molesting goatcrap with some shitstain war-in-iraq subtext fantasy thrown in for good measure. and you know what? i was right about everything but the subtext. don't get me wrong, there are some cock-smashingly awesome moments, like the fuckin polar bears ( what i wouldn't give for one of those motherfuckers to claw my manager's head off and lay a bear-sized steamer down her flat-tittied little corpse) and the whole demon thing (mine would clearly be a dragon with a king-sized cock, custom made for raping every asshole who thinks the simpsons is better than american dad), but everything else in this made-for-girls-on-their-period fagfest is one long, gross pube stuck on the edge of your toilet seat. there's some shit about the movie attacking religion, and i'm about as keen as the next guy to feel father o' malley's cockhead hittin' the back of my throat every sunday and holidays, but jesus, with a turd this big, why even sift through the folds of shit for meaning...umm...um..A PUSSY THAT EATS *YOU*! huh? huh? guys? do i have what it takes to be cool to a bunch of post-pubescent culture hating morons? it's the blind leading the blind on this fucking site, i swear.
BEST REVIEW EVER!!!
by sns
Dec 18th, 2007
09:36:59 PM
I wish all reviews were like that.
Wow Wow Wow Wow
by Maceox
Dec 18th, 2007
09:39:13 PM
Evolution has gone backwards. Pure comic genius is displayed, and people complain about the review. After Mori posted his thoughts you still scoff. I need to find a new sight with less of you humorless idiots on board. Read his mother's reviews for pure post modern brilliance.
perfect kazzer
by Shakes
Dec 18th, 2007
09:41:03 PM
That's just the thing SK229, you called it "unexpected, hyperbole." There's nothing unexpected about it. As I read the review I could see every cock metaphor, hyperbole and "clever" remark coming a mile away.
Kazzer
by Maceox
Dec 18th, 2007
09:41:11 PM
You sadly miss the point. Go take a university class or two. Discover the sublteties of Irony and quit being a dumb ass.
Juvenile
by Maceox
Dec 18th, 2007
09:44:25 PM
His humor is not Juvenile; it is Anti-pro- con juvenile-trascendent- mockery of juvenile humor. Figure it out, or enjoy your stupid existence.
Kazzer
by Mr. Nice Gaius
Dec 18th, 2007
09:46:29 PM
You've completely missed the point.

Cumpston would weep if he weren't mocking you...

One more thing
by Maceox
Dec 18th, 2007
09:48:32 PM
This line is as close to spectacular as it gets:"But then it’s like the movie heard you calling it a pussy so it puts on its dick-stomping boots and then surprises your dick with a punch from a fist wearing a cock-punch glove."
juvenile
by Kazzer
Dec 18th, 2007
10:01:21 PM
there's nothing i hate more about someone writing a genuinely sorry, standard piece of masturbatory garbage and trying to pass it off as a sarcastic jab at the the system. hey, i'm saying a bunch of abrasive shit but *wink wink* read deeper into it and....well, it's still a bunch of abrasive shit. it's like people calling 'drawn together' edgy humor when all it does it take pot shots at gays and christians. wow, with your veiwership you're likely to get killed for that offense, but at least you made a worthwhile point, eh? THAT'S SARCASM, and i don't think i'm being a comic genius for using it. when i think of the subtleties of sarcasm and irony i think swift's 'a modest proposal' or colbert, i don't think 'someone who owns the buddy christ figure from dogma'. OH SNAP I MUST BE A FAGGY HIPSTER i DON'T THINK REPEATING THE WORD COCK (to um..satirize the sumblimated homophic tendencies of our nation, i'll say, because i'm sure that's someone's excuse) IS FUCKIN' FUNNY! big whoop, dinks, try again.
A Modest Proposal
by Maceox
Dec 18th, 2007
10:07:07 PM
What was the reaction to A Modest Proposal when it came out? Even amoung the intellectuals. Now I would never hint that this is remotely equivelant to A Modest Proposal, but to think that it is stupid and juvenile because of the "fuck" and "cock" references is idiotic. He is making fun of you Kazzer and you do not even realize it.
he is laughing at me, is he?
by Kazzer
Dec 18th, 2007
10:10:13 PM
fine, then let's leave it at this: my relationship with this review is not of the deeply mutual kind.
Steven Colbert
by Maceox
Dec 18th, 2007
10:12:41 PM
One of my students called hima a republican the other day, that student reminds me of you, Kazzer.
No! The Tagline on posters should be...
by Sephiroid
Dec 18th, 2007
10:19:38 PM
...Shut the fuck up amd wait to see the fucking movie!!! (And don't let pretzel junkies ever again near a computer...ever!!!
As for the whale thing...
by Sephiroid
Dec 18th, 2007
10:22:45 PM
It's probably the whale from Hancock, who after it crashlanded on the wind surfer it fused with him and some slusho and came back to get revenge on Will Smith. It smacks the hell out of NY, but Smith escapes into a cryopod chamber and becomes a legend in another movie based on a book some years later.
Yuz all fat splooged-upon babies!
by Zeke25:17
Dec 18th, 2007
10:23:36 PM
Alla yuz.
Im with Kazzer on this one...
by Scorecard
Dec 18th, 2007
10:35:04 PM
...And apparently WE'RE the juvenile ones now... You fucks have no idea... And reading talkback like >>it is Anti-pro- con juvenile-trascendent- mockery of juvenile humor

by Scorecard
Dec 18th, 2007
10:39:32 PM
...reading talkback like just reminds me of the losers we used to laugh at back at uni who would sit on the grass in the quadrangle wanking on using the biggest words they could think of without actually having a clue regarding what they were on about...
Fuck this talkback
by Scorecard
Dec 18th, 2007
10:40:25 PM
the site is screwing with posts...
Scorecard you are so "it"
by Maceox
Dec 18th, 2007
10:47:23 PM
Cuz we Quadranglers are wanking on with big words. LOL What big words you donotunderstand (boy that was big word)that I dougnut understand. Righteous.
Scorecard
by Maceox
Dec 18th, 2007
10:52:47 PM
How far behind and how sad you are. Try to keep up my geometric buddy. My quad was tri but wtf. At least it was not Bi. O.k. sorry Bye. lol
i'm with kazzer and scorecard
by Shakes
Dec 18th, 2007
10:54:46 PM
There's no skill or creativity in it, there's nothing clever about the way its done. Any of us, at least those of us who see it as a juvenile piece of writing could write something just as "good" as this. What Colbert does takes skill and time to construct. Hell even Ann Coulter has some creativity in her writings when she's trying to be funny. But this Cumpston piece, I could take any standard movie review off this sight, take two minutes to add in my own cock references and a tangent about serving pretzels and it would be just as "good" as this Cumpston piece. Hell even Kazzer demonstrated this above. And all the ones who have been spending the talkback telling us we don't get the joke, or that the jokes on us, no one has been able to explain what the joke actually is, unless its to get a bunch of us to call it juvenile. But if that's it then it's pretty weak, acting juvenile in order to be called juvenile. So please, if someone can, explain what the joke is, because I've been following this Cumpston's reviews for awhile, and everytime I do all I think is that this is a poor man's Vern.
Say something score card so i can mock you. Then you can laugh a
by Maceox
Dec 18th, 2007
10:54:51 PM
Shakes
by Maceox
Dec 18th, 2007
10:58:36 PM
Ann Coulter? Really Ann Coulter? Hmmm? Ann Coulter? That is your defence... really? She is more creative? Ann Coulter? O.K. (everyone nod then walk away).
maceox
by Shakes
Dec 18th, 2007
11:01:42 PM
No, I'm by no means a Coulter fan. I just recognize that when she does try to be funny, like the John Edwards Faggot comment, there is some creativity in that. She didn't just outright call him a fag, she said "you can't call someone a faggot without going to rehab" or whatever. It took some actual thought, as opposed to if she would have said "that faggot John Edwards."
By the way
by Maceox
Dec 18th, 2007
11:04:25 PM
By the way, saying you are with Kazzer and Shakes and then referencing the "creativity of Ann Coulter" is more insulting to their intelligence than what they themselves said. And that is sad. So sad.
maceox
by Kazzer
Dec 18th, 2007
11:06:20 PM
listen, i read the older neill reviews, and while i'd love to keep up this internet debate, i admit that the mom review made me realize, yeah, this is satire. not sure i'd go so far as to say it was post-modern humor, and i definitely still think the 'Anti-pro- con juvenile-trascendent- mockery' defense needs work, but y'know what, when you're wrong you're wrong. if neill's being as smart as you say he is, kudos to him, and sorry for not seeing it from just this review.
Finest review I've ever read
by PhantomTroublemaker
Dec 18th, 2007
11:06:55 PM
Seriously, I registered just so I could post that I have seen entire movies - tonight - that were not as entertaining as this review. Simpsons.
Say something else, Maceox?
by Scorecard
Dec 18th, 2007
11:07:16 PM
So I can goad you into mocking me... Wow mate, that's great... that's just the fucking icing on the cake... what on earth has this talkback turned into? Dude, if you wanna sit around surfing from talkback to talkback looking to cause preach your stupid fucking point of view, be my guest - But until you can come up with a solid explanation for your argument, you may as well shut the hell up...
If We Don't Get Neill Cumpston...
by That 70s Venom
Dec 18th, 2007
11:07:46 PM
... then how about one of you douchebags who DOES get Neill Cumpston, instead of ridiculing us for "not getting it" explain what there is to "get". You sit there and repeat "you don't get it" yet you seem to neglect telling us what it is that we don't get. Maybe if you'd tell us we could understand. By the way, I think his reviews are funny as hell, so do I "get it"? Or not?
'Anti-pro- con juvenile-trascendent- mockery'
by Scorecard
Dec 18th, 2007
11:09:58 PM
Is the most stuck-up, try-hard mess of an explanation I've ever heard out of an 11th grader...
There is no creativity
by Maceox
Dec 18th, 2007
11:11:47 PM
That you believe calling John Edwards -- a man running for president of the United States -- a fag is creative, shows your total lack of values. It is an Ad Homineim and plays to the lowest denominator of our society. John Edwards is running for President; Cloverfield is a Movie. Hmmm Fiction -vs- reality. Political satire is funny but you my friend are comparing apples to oranges. See what I mean. Ann Coulter is repulsive becuase she plays and degrades reality; Cumpstone is funny because he plays and degrades fiction.
Kaz
by sidestepper
Dec 18th, 2007
11:18:28 PM
"what i wouldn't give for one of those motherfuckers to claw my manager's head off and lay a bear-sized steamer down her flat-tittied little corpse" damn...you know?...that's not half bad i think you're starting to get it, now pull that fucking peppermint cock out of your ass
Sweet
by Cobbio
Dec 18th, 2007
11:18:37 PM
Thanks, Neill! I'll definitely be seeing "Cloverfield Monster Goes Apeshit" when it comes out. Oh, and good luck with those spooged on pretzel babies.
Scorecard
by Maceox
Dec 18th, 2007
11:19:12 PM
Pretentiousness is the joke. And my pretentiousness to you is the joke. I strung those together to push your buttons. See how it works? Kazzer, thank you. I hope you can understand the humor. He is saying something important about our culture. And what he says is funny . . . and Sad.
maceox
by Shakes
Dec 18th, 2007
11:19:51 PM
Did you even read my post about Coulter? I said if she would have just called him a faggot it would not have been clever or creative. The fact that she phrased it in the way she did was the clever part. And I'm not defending her decision to insinuate he's a faggot. I'm a liberal Democrat and right now Edwards is probably my pick for the nomination. I hate Ann Coulter and everything she stands for. The cleverness has nothing to do with fiction vs. political satire. If she would have come out and just started saying "he's a fag", "hillary's a dyke" "obama's an uncle tom" that would not have fallen into any sort of clever satire. She phrased that comment in a way that while insenstive and degrading to the political discourse, did actually take some thought to put together. Hateful thought, but thought.
Pricks
by Cobbio
Dec 18th, 2007
11:22:59 PM
Also, every one of you assholes who's got a smarter-than-thou "anyone could write Cumpston's stupid reviews" bullshit attitude needs a fucking enema.

Get over yourselves. Pricks.

Pretentiousness is the joke
by Scorecard
Dec 18th, 2007
11:28:21 PM
Ah, I see... THAT'S the joke... Right... and you strung those words together to push our buttons? Right... Oh yeah, i get it now... ((That's truly fuckn stupid, Maceox))
Shakes
by Maceox
Dec 18th, 2007
11:31:33 PM
You can defend her cleverness all you want, but her true intent was to call hima fag. She may have been clever in the way she did it, but to those peolple whoe listen to her invective laden rhetoric they heard "fag." And they rejoiced! That is not funny, This review had tears of laughter reolling down my face. Read his other reviews. Read his "Mothers's reveiw." The man is funny. Not because he cusses, but because he embodies all the traits we call juvenile. Then he makes them genius. He turns stupid into poetry. That is the best way I can describe it.
oh, sidestepper
by Kazzer
Dec 18th, 2007
11:34:45 PM
why, thank you. LETS GO ON A DATE
Shakes
by Maceox
Dec 18th, 2007
11:39:40 PM
So sad! look at my words, "Anti-pro- con juvenile-trascendent- mockery of juvenile humor." Anti- pro-con ... come on. Undesirable litotes. Transcendent-Mockery oxymoron. And the whole thing reeks of Paradox. Yeah, pushing buttons and buttons and butt... (oh he pushes butt (hahahaha(he is a fag like John Edwards( but I am a liberal( so that uis o.k.( god Ann Coulter s hot ( I got a button she could..)))))))
maceox
by Shakes
Dec 18th, 2007
11:41:08 PM
Okay, final word on Coulter, I'm not defending her message, I'm merely saying she put some thought into its delivery. My problem with this review is the perceived lack of cleverness, for those of us not in on the joke. But tomorrow, after seeing your explanations to me, as well as Kazzer, I will reread this with an open mind, and look up this mother review I've been hearing about. Good night folks
Can someone....
by eXcommunicated
Dec 18th, 2007
11:42:12 PM
... point me to a site that has real reviews and real inside scoops?
Sorry Shakes
by Maceox
Dec 18th, 2007
11:42:13 PM
That was meant for scoecard, who obviously keeps score.Is he winning?
Maceox....
by Scorecard
Dec 18th, 2007
11:45:05 PM
...Jesus dude, you still going on?
Scores
by Maceox
Dec 18th, 2007
11:49:46 PM
You may call me "Jesus dude" but I am not. Just Maceox. Guess my intelligent ramblings made me appear to be the son of God. But I am not Score. Please dont worship me. That would demean me. I mean mean, to have such humorless disciples as your self... well you see.
fuck cumpston
by jedimindflayer
Dec 18th, 2007
11:55:44 PM
bring back his mom; i could listen to her talk about fish tacos and feelings all day...**sigh**
Yep...
by Scorecard
Dec 18th, 2007
11:58:04 PM
...Still going.

by sidestepper
Dec 19th, 2007
12:05:29 AM
alas...i grow tired of this ridiculous, tedious, and totally irrelevant horseshit good for a few laughs though, at least for those of us with a sense of humor and no insecurities
Yep..
by Maceox
Dec 19th, 2007
12:17:45 AM
..Still going. Ha ha ha. Wow you have nothing to say . Lol. Say something Score so I can Mock you . Please!!!! Oh wait...I am Mocking you. Lesson learned (dramatic Pause) Lesson learned.
Cumpston's mom
by Maceox
Dec 19th, 2007
12:20:42 AM
Her review of Spider 3 is Brilliant!!!! Look it up. See what a real review can tell you about a movie. Is "she" wrong about one single point? Is she? Nails it!
You had me at 'Wetzel's Pretzels'
by Dr Gregory House
Dec 19th, 2007
12:37:25 AM
I mean...seriously?!?
monsters and RON PAUL!
by shogunshin
Dec 19th, 2007
12:40:08 AM
man, monsters rule on the movie screen! i cannot wait to see this movie, i just hope it is not shakey too much, because sometimes, it gets me dizzy. but in reality, i hate monsters, and RON PAUL is going to try and rid the world of the monsters himself! RON PAUL will eliminate TAXES, end the war on drugs, and bring our troops home to protect our borders! go look up RON PAUL, so he can defeat the monster bankers ruling the world. Cloverfield looks amazing, and 2008 is shaping up to be one of the greatest movie years ever, and when RON PAUL gets elected, everyone will be a lot richer. NO MORE TAXES!!! RON PAUL rules!
Ron Paul
by Maceox
Dec 19th, 2007
12:44:08 AM
Thank you for your utopian vision. Liberterianism (sp) where liberals and conservatives agree. SCARY!!!!!
Am I dreaming or was that ...
by 'Cholera's Ghost
Dec 19th, 2007
12:52:01 AM
...several hours people just spent researching and flaming each other over the qualitative merits of a Cumpston review? Awesome. Now bring on that giant fuckin' lion.
My God....
by DocPazuzu
Dec 19th, 2007
01:19:30 AM
...it's full of tards...

Holy shit, if anything, the talkback got even worse overnight. Kazzer, you are probably the most clueless human being I have ever encountered. I'm going to make an exception and present you with the AICN Mark Twain You Fucking Moron Award simply for your outstanding achievement in being an absolute moron and all-round humorless asshat. Congratulations!

Your momma must be so proud.

Just got off the phone with the monster...
by Motoko Kusanagi
Dec 19th, 2007
01:20:47 AM
and it bit my head off!
Can the monster please bit Ann Coulter's head off?
by Zeke25:17
Dec 19th, 2007
01:45:53 AM
If anyone ever needed a peppermint candy cock shoved so far up their ass it came out of their mouth...well, it'd just be a lot nicer than what USUALLY comes out.
(1) Fuck this movie and (2) who cares?
by Cruel_Kingdom
Dec 19th, 2007
01:54:19 AM
Why is this covered everyday here? Does Harry have stock in this movie or what? The trailers all look like shit.
Maceox thanks for chiming in!!!
by shogunshin
Dec 19th, 2007
02:18:40 AM
Maceox, spread the word! we gotta get Ron Paul into the white house, so he can try and clean up the mess created by the evil bankers of the world. did you hear about their plan to merge CANADA, USA, and MEXICO into one giant country, called the NORTH AMERICAN UNION? google it, if you want to be scared big time. lou dobbs did a bunch of stories on youtube about the north american union. the only man stepping up to the plate to STOP the bankers, is none other than RON PAUL! no more taxes, means more money for me, and means im going to VOTE FOR RON PAUL in 2008!!!
So it's like the Smog monster?
by Orionsangels
Dec 19th, 2007
02:28:15 AM
JJAbrams has a cock punching glove
by SgtElias
Dec 19th, 2007
02:37:52 AM
And he uses it on you fanboy a-holes everytime he builds "suspense" by creating a mysterious to which he has yet to conjure a bullshit "answer".
"this movie is like a pussy that eats YOU out."
by Phategod1
Dec 19th, 2007
02:55:45 AM
If this is not a resume to be a full time employee Harry I dont know what is I dont know if this is a Helpful review or not but its the funniest thing I've ever read.
BEST. REVIEW. EVER.
by MatDGZ
Dec 19th, 2007
04:39:06 AM
That shit made me laugh out loud.
I don't know about you guys....
by edbig98
Dec 19th, 2007
05:10:12 AM
...but that review had me laughing. It seems you nerds don't have sense of humor anymore. Just let a guy tell his review, his way, not yours.
He sounds like an idiot
by Abednigo
Dec 19th, 2007
06:23:53 AM
I have a good sense of humor, but seriously, this guy sounds like an idiot. He can't give a simple movie review (or whatever it's supposed to be) without using the F word every other word and making disgusting and crude comments. It's juvenile.
Cumpston sounds more and more like...
by DannyOcean01
Dec 19th, 2007
06:32:49 AM
David Cross with every review.
Thanks for the pitures they look great!
by Damien Chowder
Dec 19th, 2007
06:54:33 AM
It's like nothing I have ever seen. Spectacular!
2 girls 1 cup reference.....
by samuraiyao
Dec 19th, 2007
07:21:03 AM
Thanks for the reference to that snuff bullshit video... I was all curious about it and started to google the video; only to find out that its 2 crack whores eating shit... Now i can't eat anything that resembles peanut butter,chocolate or shit......
2 girls 1 cup reference.....
by D o o d
Dec 19th, 2007
07:52:05 AM
I don't like peanut butter either!
Sooo... Is the monster MANBEARPIG or what??
by canvasseamonkey
Dec 19th, 2007
07:55:30 AM
another day... another 2 girls... another cup
by turketron
Dec 19th, 2007
08:02:19 AM
Hahaha at you pussies who can't stomach that video. I'm sad because right now I'm at work and I can't watch the pussified popularized version, nor the Unabridged, Unedited, Uncut version. Go and get the full movie! Man up cowboys! Yeeeee haaaaaaaa!!!!!

This is the greatest talkback ever. And Alfred_Packer, thanks for posting another Cumpston review. I hadn't seen that ROTK one before. Helped me waste a good chunk of my morning. Time for coffee. I'm going to try to get it to the same color as what was in that wonderous cup.

again, it's NOT MANBEARPIG
by turketron
Dec 19th, 2007
08:03:49 AM
WE DON'T HAVE THE CAPABILITIES FOR SPECIAL EFFECTS OR SOUND TO REPRODUCE A LIVE ACTION MANBEARPIG. Maybe in 2012 when we get access to that alien technology...
Neil, what can I say...
by Kid Z
Dec 19th, 2007
08:17:56 AM
... I'm still f**kin' laughing... Please stay off ritalin, dude... your reviews are hilarious!
THIS REVIEW IS VULGAR, JUVENILE, POINTLESS AND CRASS
by BringingSexyBack
Dec 19th, 2007
08:20:57 AM
Great stuff!
NEILL CUMPSTON FOR PRESIDENT
by BringingSexyBack
Dec 19th, 2007
08:22:42 AM
He'll fuck up the country worse than Bush, but at least he'll be funny doing it.
As many have already alluded to here...
by qweruiop
Dec 19th, 2007
08:34:06 AM
most of us get the joke that this guy Neill is doing a faux review (and has done past reviews) that pokes fun at other cariactures of reviews, but the thing is this "review", in whatever context, just wasn't very good. It's real easy to make a review that's littered with cuss words and vulgar sentences in an attempt to pass it off as some type of commentary. Colbert and Conan are leagues ahead of this guy in terms of witty bantering, without having to resort to any of that stuff. And Neill is a minnow when compared to Keith Olberman, whom I consider to be the best witty commentator alive.
I prefer Vern´s reviews
by CuervoJones
Dec 19th, 2007
08:38:00 AM
but this one´s funny
Lawd bless The Cumstain.
by King_Knut
Dec 19th, 2007
08:49:25 AM
I love this man's reviews. Favourite quote of his remains "here comes Mr. Punch"
Hate to ruin the Joke by Explaining it...
by greyspecter
Dec 19th, 2007
09:23:08 AM
...But here goes. Okay, people, my understanding of His Cumpstonness is that he's parodying the 12-year old toke-smoking boys who "unscrew salt shaker tops at restaurants" I believe someone said. The fact that so many of you fell for it demonstrates how precisely he nails it. The sheer outrageousness of his analogies, hyperboles, and vulgarities are what makes it so funny. At least, if you enjoy that sort of thing. Kinda like South Park or Family Guy. I read books too, enjoy the witty banter of His Girl Friday and Arsnic and Old Lace, yet struggled to contain my glee at "Zoe gets a Latte". We all need some absurdity to color the seriousness.

On a related topic, his LotR was the best, followed closely by X2 and 300: "So what, Gaylord?" "A c*ck made out of 3 machine guns". Though the Jesus Zombie double feature was so brazenly irreverent I had to giggle. "Thank you Jesus."

I dont think
by lecter1914
Dec 19th, 2007
09:36:50 AM
This review would have turned off or upset so many people if we would have already had several legitimate spoilerific reviews of Cloeverfield. I think people are anxious to know whether or not the movie is any good and so far all we've gotten is it's awesome and a few planterrific reviews and one talking about the jews. So when we think we're finally going to get a legitimate review from a trusted source..its not really a review. I think thats what ticked most people off. I love Neill...he coined..Dudity!!!
I'm joining Al-Qaeda
by DaveTheHutt
Dec 19th, 2007
09:43:41 AM
I never quite understood why Muslim jihadists want to destroy the West until I read that, *kof*, 'review'. Juvenile, sex-obsessed (by someone who doesn't seem to have had any sort of physical relation with a real woman) and barely intelligible, it shames both the writer and this site.
Just got back from a screening
by warm_turtle
Dec 19th, 2007
09:45:57 AM
It was mad.
Cumpston also coined the phrase "kick-cock"...
by Mr. Nice Gaius
Dec 19th, 2007
09:47:13 AM
...which is a personal fave.
You're an asshole DaveTheHutt
by just pillow talk
Dec 19th, 2007
09:48:21 AM
Even written in jest, THAT is more shameful than anything that Neil wrote.

by DaveTheHutt
Dec 19th, 2007
09:51:15 AM
*Yawn* And why is that, jpt? I was being semi-serious. Muslim jihadists see the West as somewhere spiritually and morally bandkrupt - and having read that review I can see where they're coming from. Oh, and I'm am *arsehole*, if you please.
Anybody remember the game SNAPS?
by Mr. Nice Gaius
Dec 19th, 2007
09:53:31 AM
As in "SNAPS is the name of the game."? That's what I feel Neill Cumpston has become - SNAPS. If you don't get it or know how to play, that you're S-O-L.

No one should explain to you how it's done and the only way to obtain the game's secret is to sell your soul. Or whore out your wife and sister.

So n00bs, for now on...Neill Cumpston is the name of the game.

"...then you're S-O-L."
by Mr. Nice Gaius
Dec 19th, 2007
09:54:52 AM

ah, one 'juvenile' review = West being spiritually bankrupt
by just pillow talk
Dec 19th, 2007
09:56:08 AM
Why didn't I see that before? Damn you Neil!
oh noes
by turketron
Dec 19th, 2007
10:00:15 AM
Neil has damned us all!
how many more
by turketron
Dec 19th, 2007
10:02:07 AM
How many more assholes are going to wander into this review and think it's serious? I hope this talkback stays up forever.
Kneel, cumstain
by seagrass
Dec 19th, 2007
10:02:32 AM
And kiss my ring. Yeah.
Has anyone ever really
by seagrass
Dec 19th, 2007
10:04:44 AM
been cock-punched before? Or is that just an urban legend?

by DaveTheHutt
Dec 19th, 2007
10:05:10 AM
One? It's hardly an isolated incident, is it? I like this site but I do find some of the sub-moronic drivel passed for publication as reviews a little tiresome. Oh, and calm down about the muslim thing, lover - I did say I was being semi-serious. Though I do think that the celebration and reverence of such poor quality trash like this review is an indicator of a Western moral malaise.
I'm telling you seagrass, it might be so hot...
by turketron
Dec 19th, 2007
10:10:48 AM
I'm telling you, if every man could have a hot 18yr old girl of whatever ethnicity they prefer give them a cockpunch to their morning wood (avoiding the balls of course), there would be no more war...
and I said "even written in jest"
by just pillow talk
Dec 19th, 2007
10:12:15 AM
so semi-serious or no, I found your statement much more ridiculous than anything Neil wrote.

And since you come to this site, I'm sure you are aware of what a Neil Cumpston review is, so do not read his reviews. Then you won't have to subject yourself to such "sub-moronic drivel".

And you never return my calls..tis a shame.

I just scanned his mom's Spiderman 3 review
by turketron
Dec 19th, 2007
10:13:41 AM
gold
Actually...
by DocPazuzu
Dec 19th, 2007
10:21:23 AM
...the review of Spider-Man 3 written by Neill's "mom" is one of the funniest and most accurately scathing reviews I have ever read on this site.

As I recall, even that TB was filled with braying assheads although not as plentiful or stubborn as the most recent bunch on display here.

This sounds like "Big Guy and Rusty the Boy Robot"
by Movietool
Dec 19th, 2007
10:29:01 AM
Some of you out there know what I'm talking about.

by DaveTheHutt
Dec 19th, 2007
10:32:00 AM
Sorry, jpt - I like this site but not so much I'm going to memorise every 'reviewer's MO. Obviously, from now on I'll give for this guy's literary squirtings a miss. I just find it depressing that so many here find endless witless references to cocks and cunts hilarious. I loves me a bit o' swearing when done with invention (see the earlier works of Messrs Derek & Clive), but Cumpston's (or 'Cum-bum' as I call him - that's one for all you NC fans out there!) just comes across as a 14-year-old who's finally worked out what the word 'vagina' means.
SPEAKING OF AL QAEDA
by BringingSexyBack
Dec 19th, 2007
10:34:27 AM
Since Bush did business with the Taliban doesn't that make him an enemy combatant? In short, yes.
To all of you cool kids that "get" this review
by Sloopjohnb
Dec 19th, 2007
10:44:10 AM
This talkback really baffles me. Everyone has a different sense of humor, and that’s cool. But a lot of people don’t find this review (or others by Neil) to be funny at all, and the response we get is: “No you fucking noob, you just don’t get it, only us AICN regulars get it because we are fucking awesome!”. Are you guys fucking idiots? What this guy is trying to pull off requires intelligence, and wit; and I’m sorry, but I don’t see a trace of that anywhere. Please, to all you enlightened talkbackers who spend your nights on the AICN talkbacks, explain the merits of this review rather than just saying “Noob”, “Read between the lines”, and “you just don’t get it”. If you think cock jokes are funny, more power to you. But admit you find the review funny for its sophomoric humor rather than trying to make yourself look intelligent by saying there is some sort of meaning to the review. Another thing I find ridiculous about the responses is that you AICN regs actually think you are superior to the “noobs” because you come to this site more than they do. To that I’ll say “What the fuck?”. Think about it, the only thing that makes you regulars is that you come to this site a lot. Anyone can check this site every ten minutes, but most of us “noobs” have better things to do.
Why So Serious?
by BallsToTheWallFan
Dec 19th, 2007
10:44:24 AM
No this isn't about the Dark Knight and his smiling nemesis, its about you people taking yourself too seriously! This is a funny and goofy review so stop trying to be those pretentious, latte sipping, hipsters eaten in this film. Lighten up and enjoy life! Geeez!
Sloopjohnb
by Mr. Nice Gaius
Dec 19th, 2007
10:58:45 AM
Here is a hint:

It's not a "real review" per se. It's not about the cock jokes. It's not about the sophmoric humor. It's not even about being an enlightened AICN regular or those who think they have "better things to do".

Now, think about geek culture, how it relates to this review, and get back to us. Remember, Neill Cumpston is the name of the game.


by DaveTheHutt
Dec 19th, 2007
11:04:20 AM
"Geek culture" - isn't that an oxymoron?
Thank you for proving my point Mr. Gaius
by Sloopjohnb
Dec 19th, 2007
11:09:13 AM
Thank you for proving my point Mr. Gaius
by Sloopjohnb
Dec 19th, 2007
11:09:19 AM
Head-chopping monster is cooking the books and here's why
by Motoko Kusanagi
Dec 19th, 2007
11:20:12 AM
...err...where was I?
Parody.
by ZeroCorpse
Dec 19th, 2007
11:33:59 AM
Who knew that some day there would actually be a forum that would allow someone to get paid to write parodies of reviews? As if reviews are some high art form themselves? Still, good stuff. I lol'd at the Kathy Griffin line.
DAMN
by v1
Dec 19th, 2007
11:35:48 AM
I want to read the review and the talk back SOOOOO BAD.... But Damn it, I don't want to know too much about the movie. Cloverfield strikes me as a movie that the less you know, the more you'll enjoy it. But Damn I want to read it... resist... resist... I think I'm gonna go knock out some knuckle babies to relieve some stress!
U JUST GOT HIT BY THE CUM STUN
by turketron
Dec 19th, 2007
11:44:54 AM
Why so serious? Should have simply dodged. Here's some Visine, wash your eyes out.

Neill Cumpston gives me eye-boners.
by SkeletonParty
Dec 19th, 2007
11:47:50 AM
I'm excited beyond hope about this flick.
I just googled Kathy Griffin’s vagina
by SkeletonParty
Dec 19th, 2007
11:52:10 AM
and I can't stop crying.
So, does the government edit in the flashbacks?
by SkeletonParty
Dec 19th, 2007
12:02:39 PM
because, if they do, that would be awfully insightful of them and sort of endearing.
How do you use "Why so serious?" in the balls?
by turketron
Dec 19th, 2007
12:15:29 PM
If I could do that... I would be Legend. And besides, you would just insure the future that exists now. Time travel is Serious Business. Not as serious as the internet though. Or Neil Cumpston (aka The Internet).
As long as they have a flashback...
by turketron
Dec 19th, 2007
12:17:51 PM
As long as they have a flashback (or flash forward?) of the monster evolving and escaping from The Hanso Foundation, I don't care if it's the Government who inserts them.
Sloopjohnb
by BigFo
Dec 19th, 2007
12:24:58 PM
Kinda lost me by criticizing the regulars for thinking they are better than the noobs by basically proclaiming that you are better than them. If you have "better things to do" congrats...I'll look for your name w/ next years Nobel Prize nominees.
NC = The Ultimate Fanboy
by greyspecter
Dec 19th, 2007
12:50:40 PM
He's the exaggerated epitome of the sterotypical fanboy, reading comics, living in his parents' basements and working minimum wage jobs to support his movie habits. Get it, Sloopy?
Stupid Reviews
by mavic19
Dec 19th, 2007
12:53:23 PM
As much as I like AICN, I can't stand the moronic reviews that they allow on this site. Foul, tasteless diatribe that does nothing to help get me interested.
Fuck...I love Cumpstein man
by Lost Skeleton
Dec 19th, 2007
12:56:08 PM
Matrix: Kingdom of Asskicking! Jazzed about Cloverfield but I still am shaky about the video camera perspective.
Hilarious, most intelligent review ever written
by SkeletonParty
Dec 19th, 2007
01:02:52 PM
If you don't think this review isn't the funniest, smartest, best review ever written by humans than you just don't get it and are too dumb to breathe. I don't understand how you guys tie your shoes in the morning.

Whoever Neill is, he must have a brain the size of a Yugo.

You can always tell the AICN newbies...
by Lost Skeleton
Dec 19th, 2007
01:03:52 PM
who don't get Neil Cumpstein. This is going wayback folks to Keria Knightly being the sexist tomboy beanpole on the planet and the Matrix/StarWars/ Lord of the Rings franchise wars! I love it!
My Very Important Review of this Review
by YakMalla
Dec 19th, 2007
01:04:35 PM
Very informative, if rather bland.
I want to work in a Pretzel shop...
by kirttrik
Dec 19th, 2007
01:17:43 PM
Pretsels taste great...especially with cheese.
This is hilarious, you can always tell who the newbs are
by Johnno
Dec 19th, 2007
01:21:23 PM
Happens everytime in every talkback, I'll lay it out:

1. Neill review gets put up

2. Those familiar with Neill's review and the inside joke laugh their asses off

3. Newbs and those outside the circle of AICN comment on how the review is retarded, incomprehensible, garbage and how the reviewer is (insert childish comparison here)

4. AICN regulars call the haters out on their ignorance of Neill and this site's traditions and regulars.

5. Asshat talkbackers that get called out continue to make vain attempts to save face by praising their own IQs and trying to intellectually and embarassingly prove how unfunny the review is and why we shouldn't make fun of them for their own stupid ignorance and inability to comprehend the joke.

6. Why so serious?
One-Eyed Giant Emo Eater
by Abominable Snowcone
Dec 19th, 2007
01:23:02 PM
In your 20s? Uncertain about your future? Do you wander aimlessly from job to job and from one relationship to another? Do you waste an hour every morning on your hair, going for that bedraggled look? Do you buy clothes from an Abercrombie catalog that you could have gotten at a thrift shop for one-fifth the price? Congratulations! You're about to have your head chewed off, you fuck!
That Tinkerbell doll in the corner ad up top
by Abominable Snowcone
Dec 19th, 2007
01:23:59 PM
is giving me impure thoughts.
Sloopjohnb
by Mr. Nice Gaius
Dec 19th, 2007
01:31:02 PM
***Runs hand over head***

WHOOOSH!

Congratul ations on continuing to prove Neill's point.

Tinkerbell can get it...
by turketron
Dec 19th, 2007
01:35:15 PM
Just call me Needledick the Bug Fucker.

Oh yeah...

*husky boy chest bumps with Johnno*

Don't even need to see the movie now
by finky089
Dec 19th, 2007
01:53:03 PM
B/c Cumpston's review will be infinitely better than the actual thing.

so funny, this guy.

"you can always tell who the newbs are"
by Trazadone
Dec 19th, 2007
01:57:35 PM
I'm not new at all, I just have a sense of humor and this isn't remotely entertaining. I mean seriously, are people really laughing at this? I guess Full House was popular for a while too.
Holy shit~! Seanbaby!
by JonJonB
Dec 19th, 2007
01:58:37 PM
I've been wondering why Seanbaby never updates his site anymore. Turns out he died and was reincarnated as a Down's Syndrome Chimp who headbutts a keyboard repeatedly and sometimes, completely by chance, emails the results to AICN. I love the ultimate cop-out being thrown around "IT IS FUNNY, AND IF YOU DON'T THINK SO - YOU JUST DON'T GET IT" No. It's not funny. Three or four years ago, the intentionally-ironic frenzied rants full of "cock" and "fuck" might've raised a chuckle, but it's old hat now. Try making some "funny" Youtube videos, dude, I think those are the current fad. Even I have a hard time keeping up, so I sympathise.
who cares where this came from
by Wee Willie
Dec 19th, 2007
02:00:47 PM
Anyone who can spin the sentence "makes other head-biting-off-movies look like Georgia Rule with a peppermint cock in its ass" is A-okay in my books. Very funny review.
Yes Trazadone...you are
by Lost Skeleton
Dec 19th, 2007
02:09:22 PM
It's okay man, Neil isn't for everyone.
I believe they call them... "newfags"
by turketron
Dec 19th, 2007
02:15:32 PM
On another morally bankrupt board out there...
I thought I was going to read a Cloverfield review..
by Reznik
Dec 19th, 2007
02:18:22 PM
Instead I was subjected to the words Cock, Shit, Ass, and Fuck with some Pussy squeezed in for good measure about 50 times each. This is the worst sophomoric piece of trash I've ever read on this site. Way to go on getting this hot-ticket review AICN... way to go, How can this even be considered a review? the guy works at a pretzel shop and has the mouth of a homo-erotic sailor that was just given a section 8 for brain damage. This review offered almost no insight into the movie. Hey people use foul language and all i.e. messaswyrm (spelling) but at least he can tell a story without constant tangents and moronic stories about how much he hates the patrons that frequent his place of work.
Neill = Facer, hired by AICN
by Lenny8
Dec 19th, 2007
02:22:48 PM
Finally they hired the guy.
300
by Ender's Jeesh
Dec 19th, 2007
02:25:03 PM
Woke my kids up laughing at 3AM at his review of 300, which is the single funniest piece of writing I've ever read. Do yourselves a favor... humorless twits.
That wasn't a tangent...
by turketron
Dec 19th, 2007
02:29:37 PM
If you want a tangent, read
by turketron
Dec 19th, 2007
02:33:26 PM
Read the review of HOBBIT-MAN: THE KING RETURNS. If the tangents in this story bothered you, your head will explode when Neil tells us about his idea for a movie (I hope it gets made, but I doubt there is enough special effects in the world to pull it off *see my thoughts on MANBEARPIG != cloverfield munstar*).

Alfred_Packer reproduced the Hobbit-Man review above in this talkback, for those too lazy or stupid to use the search function on this site.

I read his 300 review
by Reznik
Dec 19th, 2007
02:36:42 PM
that was hilarious. The directors dick is made of 6 machine guns. Classic
I just did too
by turketron
Dec 19th, 2007
02:43:10 PM
It's gold too, if a bit short (especially after reading Hobbit-Man). I liked the movie about naked amazons called "Pause Button". Scooted over to the Matrix one and just about burst out laughing at work at

the fucking Blues Brothers guys and razors and swordfight on top of a truck and Memento Babe flying through the air and out of nowhere Neo and I am out!!of!!cum!! 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10

This goes down in the annals...
by DarthCorleone
Dec 19th, 2007
03:20:15 PM
...as one of the funniest reviews in this site's history. And that's no small feat!
If this guy isn't Maddox I'll suck Cartman's balls
by Mr.F.N.Sunshine
Dec 19th, 2007
03:22:00 PM
He is either Maddox or someone who wishes to God he was Maddox.
Trazadone
by YakMalla
Dec 19th, 2007
03:33:43 PM
Uh, did you just compare this review to "Full House"? That's a connection I haven't considered.
Mysterious Yobo, thanks for picking me out of the crowd
by Reznik
Dec 19th, 2007
03:36:22 PM
Troll
I think I get it now
by Shakes
Dec 19th, 2007
03:40:03 PM
Neil Cumpston = Kevin Smith
Mildy amusing, but I question if he really saw the movie
by slone13
Dec 19th, 2007
03:42:03 PM

Was there anything in that "review" that we hadn't heard or read somewhere before?

As someone already noted, the lack of ANY sort of description of the monster is highly suspect.

The Spiderman 3 review.
by Cameron1
Dec 19th, 2007
03:45:24 PM
It is all the proof you need that this "reviewer" is comedy gold. I'm pretty sure it's Patton Oswalt - you can easily imagine him coming up with the ridiculous tangents and juxtapositions.
I blame harry
by robosushi
Dec 19th, 2007
03:49:49 PM
for people thinking its cool to write reviews with lines like "surprises your dick with a punch from a fist wearing a cock-punch glove". these dick and pussy references are getting stupid now. What was something harry said in some review recently? something covered in pussy juices or something like that. I dont know. Its getting old now. just write a review. and I know people want to write a review like they talk to their friends, but if they talk to their friends like this, they must all be 12.
No doubts about the comic genius...
by Reznik
Dec 19th, 2007
03:51:27 PM
or clever use of those four letter words we've all come to know and love, I just wanted to read a decent review that focused on the movie itself. Its the only review I've seen thus far and it really didnt bring anything to light. Anyone know of another review for this movie? besides the infamous I SAW CLOVERFIELD...IT WAS AWESOME!11?
Inside jokes are for cocksuckers.
by quantize
Dec 19th, 2007
04:04:31 PM
happy chomping you 'superior' dickwads.
Kurzinski Valentine, you give good head...
by YakMalla
Dec 19th, 2007
04:47:39 PM
...dimensions. Thanks for clearing this up.
Jay-sis!!!
by Loup Garous
Dec 19th, 2007
04:53:57 PM
Thx for an elaborate review of this movie. Fellas like you make me want to slap a dictionary in faces of people like you. Besides, ever read a book outside the manual of an ego-shooter or a teen mag, dear Neill?
Fuck! That's the funniest shit I've read all month
by ELGordo
Dec 19th, 2007
04:56:02 PM
Bravo sir.
Cumpston Reviews Make Or Break A Movie
by FatherMcGruderKicksAssForTheLord
Dec 19th, 2007
05:14:21 PM
C'mon people - these things are like l'il nuggets of comedic heaven, shat out from the ass of a metagenius, onto your fat heathen-piggy faces. Many of you were literally born without a sense of humor, and it's sad. Someone should start a charity. I mean, really - alot of you wouldn't recognize Funny if it rounded up it's friends Ironic and Sarcastic, and they gang-raped you. You'd just lie there, in a pool of your own spent fluids, oblivious to everything save your own shame and the price of Ben Stiller DVDs in the Amazon marketplace. Your mothers' wombs should be cauterized with flamethrowers.
LITTLE MONSTERS
by partnerrumble@gmail.com
Dec 19th, 2007
05:17:45 PM
http://tinyurl.com/2br4mb
FatherMcGruder
by YakMalla
Dec 19th, 2007
05:22:54 PM
I was offended by your use of the phrase "Ben Stiller".
This guy sure loves his job
by Kragmose
Dec 19th, 2007
05:27:41 PM
Still a hilarious/interesting rant/review.
Two Words: Phantom Menace
by HExTeXly
Dec 19th, 2007
05:32:37 PM
Every since this site burned me with it's "glowing" review of Episode I I take these advanced reviews with a grain of salt.
It's not that Cumpston isn't funny
by ebonic_plague
Dec 19th, 2007
05:41:45 PM
It's just that it's too close to Vern's style, and Vern is just funnier.
Dear Father...
by Loup Garous
Dec 19th, 2007
05:42:42 PM
believe you me. i´m a funny sick bastard, but this just wasn´t. Also I´m European, maybe I just don´t get it.
Parsing the Hate
by YakMalla
Dec 19th, 2007
05:44:03 PM
If you say this review blows, I say I disagree but that's cool. If you say this review shouldn't have been posted on AICN, I say this is Taco Bell, so quit ordering Big Macs.
Point taken
by Loup Garous
Dec 19th, 2007
05:49:12 PM
Loup, Ebonic, et al
by FatherMcGruderKicksAssForTheLord
Dec 19th, 2007
06:03:43 PM
So what youre telling me is that you didn't recognize the assailants because they were wearing hats and sunglasses? Also, TomBodet, do me a solid and leave the lights on. The old lady likes it that way.
Neill Cuntston is an idiot
by zodiac1012
Dec 19th, 2007
06:08:50 PM
Q: The Winged Serpent 2
by Frank Black
Dec 19th, 2007
06:09:23 PM
I actually read the whole review (something I don't do so much) and it made me want to see the movie. Fir Merrick and hire this guy more often!
It's only an "inside joke"...
by SleazyG.
Dec 19th, 2007
06:19:44 PM
...if you mean your brain has to be inside your head to get it. Fifty bajillion people have told you the guy's real name flat out and you're still guessing away and still missing the point. It's not that the joke isn't funny: it's that you're an idiot and you clearly don't understand this site. You don't like it? You don't have to. You don't ever have to read anything here again. But the fact you think this review makes this site look bad means you don't know this site at all. As long as you keep making asses out of yourselves we're gonna keep laughin' atcha and givin' ya the bizness end of the dumbstick.
REVIEW?
by MRX67
Dec 19th, 2007
06:22:55 PM
There is something very wrong with the review and this movie. It is fiction writing 101. You must have a hero. Somebody to thwart the evil that has come into the city. I don't mind a monster biting the heads off people but I want a hero and that, with all of this viral marketing, J.J has yet to show us. Give me the evil but I want good to overcome. Have we forgotten the words of Sam the Wise. If this movie is about a monster going to a buffet in N.Y and nothing to counter it, then I won't see this. If we want evil going crazy like that all we have to do is look at the real world.
One More Thing....
by MRX67
Dec 19th, 2007
06:26:53 PM
Going by the review I wish like hell it was Voltron. I'm etremely dissapointed.
He is not mocking movie reviews
by Maceox
Dec 19th, 2007
06:31:28 PM
He is mocking movie reviews that are mocking movie revies. It is meta mockery. Think about it. Get a sense of humor. He does not do what Vern does. Vern mocks movies.
Spelling on above was bad
by Maceox
Dec 19th, 2007
06:32:38 PM
Sorry! Review reviews review review review review review review review...O.K I got it
Why it an inside joke
by Maceox
Dec 19th, 2007
06:37:08 PM
It is an inside joke because you need to be familiar with other movies that have been reviewed on this sight. For example, read Harry's Blade 3 review. The brilliance of most his reviews is through the mockery and meta mockery, he nails the review. For example read the Spider Man 3 review where his mother nails everything that is wrong with Spidey 3, perfectly. For those who were expecting a cloverfield review and were dissappointed, this is not the sight for you. Go troll Rotten Tomatoes. They don't joke around.
Sorry omitted "is"
by Maceox
Dec 19th, 2007
06:39:02 PM
There I have explained it with examples. The rest is up to you. If you don't find it funny -- that is too bad. It brightened my day considerably, so really your loss.
DO I NEED TO SAY MORE?
by MRX67
Dec 19th, 2007
06:40:12 PM
THANK YOU FOR PROVING MY POINT IN THE OTHER THREAD MYSTERIOUS.
MRX67
by Maceox
Dec 19th, 2007
06:42:22 PM
Stop with the Voltrom. Was not it you who fought for days on the talkback for the first cloverfield, trying to convince everyone that the character was saying"It's a lion!" No Voltron..Repeat No Voltron...Keep saying that -- rinse -- lather -- repeat...
Maceox.....
by MRX67
Dec 19th, 2007
06:46:47 PM
And it seem considering the review that this SHOULD HAVE BEEN VOLTRON. It's a sick movie that only sick people will see.
MRX67
by Anton_Chigurth
Dec 19th, 2007
07:02:26 PM
Why don't you post some more excerpts from your book and show Neill what a real writer can do?
Soon,,,
by MRX67
Dec 19th, 2007
07:03:59 PM
You can read the whole thing sir. And trust me, it's going to be better than this crap.
Since you open me up for a plug....
by MRX67
Dec 19th, 2007
07:12:08 PM
HAMMER OF THE GODS....COMING TO A BOOKSTORE NEAR YOU THIS SPRING!
Not soon enough...
by Anton_Chigurth
Dec 19th, 2007
07:15:23 PM
Then for you Anton...
by MRX67
Dec 19th, 2007
07:21:26 PM
I will post another excerpt on my webpage over at Myspace. Look for it in a few days.
No wonder Neil is so angry...
by Batutta
Dec 19th, 2007
07:31:17 PM
...he works at Wetzel's Pretzels.
MRX67
by Maceox
Dec 19th, 2007
07:42:15 PM
Isn't that the title of a science fiction book by Arthur C. Clarke?
And...
by MRX67
Dec 19th, 2007
07:45:25 PM
The name of my book.
I think Neil...
by MRX67
Dec 19th, 2007
07:51:48 PM
Is a lonely man. No woman to go home to sooooo he goes to preview sick ass movies like this one. Let's face it, if you go to see this movie then you are womanless. A pity.
"Hammer of the Gods"
by Anton_Chigurth
Dec 19th, 2007
08:00:55 PM
How about just a synopsis of the book or at least a plot outline? You know, generate some more buzz. Show everyone what ironic really means.
How about an excerpt....
by MRX67
Dec 19th, 2007
08:06:57 PM
I can't release any other info just yet.
Mr. Saxon....
by MRX67
Dec 19th, 2007
08:58:05 PM
It's about humans, dragon riders, wizards, gods, dwarf-giants, the U.S military, The United Nations, love, war, peace and....religon.
oops....
by MRX67
Dec 19th, 2007
08:59:31 PM
relgion. A good deal about relgion.
lol
by MRX67
Dec 19th, 2007
09:01:06 PM
damn those bulls.....religion
Dunno about the movie but...
by SG7
Dec 19th, 2007
09:21:39 PM
...that review sucked ass. It was not funny. If you thought it weas funny then you are simply retarded, or a twelve year old boy that still giggle at boobies.
thinkin' 'bout bein' sad!!!
by JacksonsPole
Dec 19th, 2007
11:22:25 PM
dude. you are f*ckin' genius! i love cumpston's reviews. hilarious! i remember the review he gave for grindhouse. i enjoyed your review more than i enjoyed the movie. keep 'em rollin', broseph. don't listen to the other wet blankets on this site. they're simply taint sweat...
Still makes me laugh, years later
by JAGUART
Dec 20th, 2007
12:34:15 AM
"and also there’s some shit with the elves that’s like being in a fucking candle store for twenty minutes"
TomBodet & SleazyG.
by Mr. Nice Gaius
Dec 20th, 2007
02:23:48 AM
TomBodet - What's up you crazy bastard? Well, for me, it's not the reviews so much as it is the premise. Ultimately, I concure with SleazyG.'s post.

SleazyG. - Spot on, sir. Well said. I laugh with you.

SG7
by javery56
Dec 20th, 2007
03:06:38 AM
it was funny to a lot of people, loosen up a bit,
I agree with whoever said
by SkeletonParty
Dec 20th, 2007
03:30:16 AM
this review sounds like it was written by David Cross. Good stuff .
The "Fan Art"
by JonJonB
Dec 20th, 2007
03:47:39 AM
If it's true that it really is the monster, the makers of Final Fantasy X should sue those fucks. It's even got SinSpawn for christ's sake!
Funny... but shit
by EliteStance
Dec 20th, 2007
06:16:40 AM
as an actual review. This is a "World Exclusive" the way any and all mad rantings posted on the interent could be considered such. Please, don't ever publish something like this as a review again... give the dude an opinion slot if you think he's funny but he sure can't review for shit.
Someone said "brilliance of Harry's reviews" ??
by m_prevette
Dec 20th, 2007
07:51:05 AM
Now that's another load of bullshit. Same problem with the drooling idiot who penned the above "review" - it's not a review and it's not funny. It's like harry's lame-ass "chocolate coated pussy juice" remark...a sad attempt at being "hip" or "cool" and instead is an obvious case of pandering to the lowest common denominator. Grow the hell up.
GET THIS SHIT OUT!!!!
by YakMalla
Dec 20th, 2007
08:45:06 AM
THIS DUDE SUCKS!!! AND AICN SUCKS! I HATED THE LAST 50 THINGS I READ HERE. THIS SITE IS SO JUVENILE. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT COCKS AND PUSSIES WHEN I'M READING ABOUT A MONSTER THAT BLOWS UP NEW YORK! STOP PRINTING THIS FUCKING FILTH, OR I'M CANCELING MY SUBSCRIPTION, YOU DICK ELBOWS!!
Cock!
by KillDozer
Dec 20th, 2007
09:14:12 AM
ha ha ha
It's not a giant monster
by bobjustbob
Dec 20th, 2007
10:07:47 AM
It's merely enormous.
Michael Reeves' The Wasp Factory!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!
by Cameron1
Dec 20th, 2007
10:37:02 AM
Neil should really review that next. Now that's a "in-joke".
No one gets to criticize Neil Cumpston...
by FluffyUnbound
Dec 20th, 2007
11:31:51 AM
...because in his Return of the King review he wrote the eternal line: "When you see this battle, you will shit things you DID NOT EAT!" Almost five years ago and I have not yet really stopped laughing on the inside. Didn't his review of some other movie also include the eternal "This movie hits you like a chicken truck going 90 miles per hour crashing into a burning retard school"? This man is one of literature's truly great talents.
Thinkin' 'Bout Bein' Sad
by FluffyUnbound
Dec 20th, 2007
11:35:38 AM
Too funny.

by Coach Clyde
Dec 20th, 2007
12:18:08 PM
Neill, I agree with everyone who's saying your review isn't telling me enough about the movie. When you say it's a "Pussy that eats YOU out", I want to know more. Like, how big is this pussy? And what does it smell like? Thanks, Clyde.
Anyone else hate the 'oh my god! oh my god!' Liberty clip guy?
by performingmonkey
Dec 20th, 2007
12:25:07 PM
He's like the typical screaming baby douche
by performingmonkey
Dec 20th, 2007
12:26:28 PM
It's like STFU you sad motherfucker, making everything about you
by performingmonkey
Dec 20th, 2007
12:27:54 PM
It's like idiots screaming on 9/11 when it had jack to do with t
by performingmonkey
Dec 20th, 2007
12:29:54 PM
Flabadan Son of Rectum must wear the mantle of Bloggith!
by greyspecter
Dec 20th, 2007
12:37:17 PM
You wanna know why Neil Rulz? Here's some movie titles he composed while reviewing Hobbit Man: the King Returns:

Star Wars: Every Cock in the Universe Up My Ass Part II

Planet of Furry Faggoty Fuckheads

MATRIX: SUDDENLY GAY and TERMINATOR: I LOVE COCK

I gotta go, 'cause even in real life giant spiders are bad news.

what a fucking great "review"
by phig
Dec 20th, 2007
12:56:37 PM
I'm sitting at a public computer....
by Zath_ras
Dec 20th, 2007
01:01:19 PM
with tears streaming down my face. Thanks for the Ritalin Review, Neill.
NEILL, YOU'RE A LIAR
by Chutch
Dec 20th, 2007
01:01:52 PM
BECAUSE NO MOVIE THAT'S LIKE A PUSSY THAT EATS YOU OUT IS RATED PG-13.
reviewer is not Patton Oswalt
by smackfu
Dec 20th, 2007
01:46:49 PM
You can tell because Patton Oswalt is smart, and funny. Patton's rants are intelligent and spot on, this reviewer is basically just stringing a bunch of crude euphemisms together for the sake of making crude euphamisms. And don't get me wrong, I am unoffendable. When I say 'crude' I don't mean crass, or offensive, I mean crude as in caveman tools. Just like Variety has a filter that replaces words in their writers articles (eg they automatically replace any instance of 'the show' with the word 'skein') Neil Cumston, and most of the AICN reviewers, almost seem to have a similar filter that replaces 'enjoyed' with 'fucked me in the ass' and 'a fan of his work' with 'I'd suck the cum out of his ass with a straw' and think that is passes as clever, hip, and in your face. Neil Cumston, and those other AICN reviewers (you know who you are) are the movie review site equivilant of Poochy the Rockin Dog staring in a Mountain Dew commercial.
I don't usually love this type of review,
by Novaman5000
Dec 20th, 2007
01:49:23 PM
but this guy is always good for a couple laughs... Plus he seemed to have liked the movie, which is nice.
you can also tell Neil is not anyone famous
by smackfu
Dec 20th, 2007
01:54:11 PM
because the preamble states that he's glad Neil is 'now gainfully employed'. I'm pretty sure Patton Oswalt and David Cross haven't been having any trouble finding paychecks.
info@paradiso.be
by maichi
Dec 20th, 2007
03:18:36 PM
hehehe
Smackfu, I think the job at the pretzel shop is a joke.
by SkeletonParty
Dec 20th, 2007
03:19:39 PM
But, that's just me.
There's a LOT of cock talk going on...
by landrvr1
Dec 20th, 2007
04:49:11 PM
...in that review!
If you want evidence of NC's identity...
by Alonzo Mosely
Dec 20th, 2007
05:05:50 PM
There is a huge clue in the timing of one of his reviews and the picture of a certain geek celebrity at a special screening that ties in... It is not absolute proof, but the timing means the reviewer probably saw said movie in a certain city at a certain date, and the picture showed he was there. If you want more, do your own research...
Meta Mockery...oh just fuck
by quantize
Dec 20th, 2007
05:57:39 PM
Meta Mockery...oh just FUCK off!
by quantize
Dec 20th, 2007
05:58:19 PM
pissy excuse for dribble written by drivel..it aint witty, it's pointless.
ALIEN VS. NEGRO
by partnerrumble@gmail.com
Dec 20th, 2007
06:54:56 PM
www.youtube.com/watch?v=B03dqx xx1Q0
ALIEN VS. NEGRO
by partnerrumble@gmail.com
Dec 20th, 2007
06:55:53 PM
www.youtube.com/watch?v=B03dqx xx1Q0
ALIEN VS. NEGRO
by partnerrumble@gmail.com
Dec 20th, 2007
06:55:58 PM
www.youtube.com/watch?v=B03dqx xx1Q0
HATERS HATERS
by THE KNIGHT
Dec 20th, 2007
09:25:11 PM
I had a good laugh.... people seem to be a bit uptight ehhh?
holy cock
by filmnazi
Dec 20th, 2007
10:04:45 PM
I haven't logged into this site in like 3 years and it still works. Yay. I also remembered the password that the stupid ass cgi script that ran this site back in '99 generated for me.
CLOVERFIELD = SLITHIS REMAKE!!!!!
by classyfredblassy
Dec 21st, 2007
07:48:09 AM
That's right. It is actually a remake of 1978's "Slitith", where a mutated creature created by nuclear waste seeks revenge on mankind! And just l like they did in 1978, theaters are going to be giving out "survival kits" to moviegoers. This year the "Cloverfield survival kits" will included: duck tape, a bag of skittles (taste the rainbow, fuckers!), a pack of ribbed trojans, and 40oz of Mickey's malt liquor! Can't hardly wait!
CLOVERFIELD = SLITHIS REMAKE!!!!!
by classyfredblassy
Dec 21st, 2007
07:48:16 AM
That's right. It is actually a remake of 1978's "Slitith", where a mutated creature created by nuclear waste seeks revenge on mankind! And just l like they did in 1978, theaters are going to be giving out "survival kits" to moviegoers. This year the "Cloverfield survival kits" will included: duck tape, a bag of skittles (taste the rainbow, fuckers!), a pack of ribbed trojans, and 40oz of Mickey's malt liquor! Can't hardly wait!
Simon cowell
by emeraldboy
Dec 21st, 2007
09:15:51 AM
is to blame. Cowell started this idea that humiliating people on tv was fun and he got paid a vast fortune for as he saw it telling the truth. the makers of The weakest link took this further. Though they were of course written. the virus created by cowell, spread to Anne robinson, then it spread to Gordon Ramsay. Ramsay has had to work very hard to get where as indeed did the other people mentioned in this post. But this virus has now spread to publishing. Take Ozzy's wife(no seriously please take her away). This is a woman who does not appear to have a good word to say about anybody. No biog is complete these days it seems without the author having a right good go. If you buy the 2nd volume of her Autobiography, chapter after is filled with posoinous invective about people she had never met inclding Chris Tarrant. I read somewhere that she had a breakdown. this was followed by Mrs O ripping the read off Kylie Minogues sister who was a judge on x-factor. Invective in nothing new this has been doing it for years. People who had a lot of sympathy for Mrs O now feel she is just a mean old bully.
LOVED THIS "CLOVERFIELD" REVIEW!!!
by Amphiaraus
Dec 21st, 2007
01:49:52 PM
I love the kick-ass writing style of this film reviewer. It would be hilarious if he applied the same take-no-prisoners style to a review of some touchy-feely, warm-and-fuzzy chick flick!!!
wow
by fettskull
Dec 21st, 2007
02:10:53 PM
BEST REVIEW EVER
KILLJOYS WHO HATED NEILL'S REVIEW CAN BITE ME
by Amphiaraus
Dec 21st, 2007
02:43:16 PM
Neill needs to track them down one by one and give each one a thundering bash in the groin with his heaviest cock-punch glove.
Alonzo Mosely
by BigFo
Dec 21st, 2007
03:55:44 PM
Thanks for the scoop..Aicn should put you on full time w/ that stellar reporting.
He did review a chick flick, Amphiaraus.
by SleazyG.
Dec 21st, 2007
04:33:32 PM
Check out his review of "Spider-Man 3". Classic.
The new commercial
by ufoclub1977
Dec 21st, 2007
05:33:02 PM
seems to have more of the typical movie mood trappings of late 90's stuff... I like the original teaser best great title sequence: http://youtube.com/watch?v=zvn jKEBdvxg
You know what is going to be INSANELY FUNNY???
by cornponious
Dec 21st, 2007
09:40:23 PM
When, after all this hype, after all this speculation, after all this frenzy, people will go to their favorite theater and sit down to watch Cloverfield, and many of them will painfully realize that this movie is nothing more than ANOTHER DAMN REMAKE, LIKE ALL THE REST OF THE REMAKE FODDER WE HAVE BEEN WADING IN FOR THE LAST FEW YEARS.

This movie is a remake of The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms. Plain and simple. I believe the proof is here:

http://tinyurl.com/2mv7wv

Notice in the poster there is a man shouting "It's Alive!" This is the phrase we have been hearing the entire time in the clips we have been seeing. Obviously, we're heading for another remake.

Sad, isn't it?

parody, as defined in Merriam-Webster
by bonkers
Dec 22nd, 2007
01:17:28 AM
Haters, please note: parody 2 entries found. Pronunciation: \ˈper-ə-dē, ˈpa-rə-\ Function: noun Inflected Form(s): plural par·o·dies Etymology: Latin parodia, from Greek parōidia, from para- + aidein to sing — more at ode Date: 1598 1 : a literary or musical work in which the style of an author or work is closely imitated for comic effect or in ridicule 2 : a feeble or ridiculous imitation Notice that all of the words in the piece are spelled correctly? He's making fun of Harry, get it?
Fucking Nerds....
by edbig98
Dec 22nd, 2007
05:47:24 AM
After reading the talkbacks, I just realized that the Nerds that don't get the absurdity and genuine comedy of this review are the ones that believe they know everything about anything. Dude, it was a good review mixed in with major comedy! What did you nerds expect? Richard-fucking-Roeper giving his 2 cents? The majority of us who ARE familiar with Neil's reviews know what to expect. If you look past the swearing and jokes, there's a fucking awesome review, with enough info to MAKE us want to go see this flick. Next time, relax, breathe and enjoy the writings of one helluva reviewer. You fucking nerds are the reason why no one can enjoy a good, fun movie anymore...

by Sloopjohnb
Dec 22nd, 2007
07:28:25 AM
The majority that are familiar with Neill's reviews are the ones that are nerds
The guy in the poster is saying
by 'Cholera's Ghost
Dec 22nd, 2007
09:34:00 AM
"It's a lion!" Sorry but it had to be said.
Is this a good review or a bad review??
by godhatesyou
Dec 22nd, 2007
04:09:26 PM
Its just a lot of swearing.......... Cumpston has fucked this movie up with this fake review. Cloverfield = hate.............
This review is only worth reading....
by drompter
Dec 22nd, 2007
10:22:25 PM
If you wanna have a good laugh, but if you really want to know if the movie is actually good go look somewhere else, because I still haven't (and never will for that matter) forgot that this guy reviewed The Matrix Reloaded like if it was the best thing ever caught by eyes.
Re: Seanbaby
by waylayer
Dec 23rd, 2007
05:27:17 PM
Now that I think about it, this does come across as a satire of his writing style (although ramped up with a sugar/cocaine rush style, and adding 10 times the vulgarity). Hmmm, Seanbaby as an AICN reviewer? Would he balk at the very movie geeks he'd be writing for?
OK..we get the Harry Satire..ha ha. Now...
by conspiracy
Dec 23rd, 2007
11:40:48 PM
please write a non-satirical review. One Harry is plenty; even in jest.
I love this site except that....
by Nancy Pelosi
Dec 24th, 2007
09:32:52 PM
......you guys talk like the biggest closet cases on the face of the Earth. It's always "cock this" and "gay that" and "jerking off this" and "sucking my cock that". You think you think you sound cute but you actually sound like homophobes who stick it through a wall and then go home to your wives. Grow up boys!
This is getting old
by johnyaztec
Dec 25th, 2007
05:15:22 PM
These over the top reviews are old. The movie cant be that violent cause its PG-13. I doubt there will be heads ripped off. Also this reivew reeks so plant. Im sick of this shit, I really am. FUCK IT, JUST FUCK IT
At what point did hyper motormouths become "cool"?
by BurnHollywood
Dec 26th, 2007
10:23:53 PM
It's time for the government to start putting Ritalin into the Red Bull supply...either that or a draft, to thin out the herd.
Oh, and nice catch, cornponious...
by BurnHollywood
Dec 26th, 2007
10:27:16 PM
"It's alive." Cute hint.
SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!
by HannibalGlock
Dec 27th, 2007
10:22:16 PM
looks like this is the monster: http://www.concep tart.org/artimg/image.php?img= smellybug/full/smellybug-22.jp g
Yeah, that does look like the monster.
by Epsilon
Dec 28th, 2007
01:25:44 AM
Lion my ass.
Nah that can't be the monster, it's gotta be a crab/bug hybrid t
by Scorpio1031
Dec 28th, 2007
12:28:55 PM
It looks like a guy in a rubber suit. I don't think that is the monster. A friend has the trailer on his computer, and we enlarged and slowed down the monster. It looks like it has small back legs and has a shell of some sort. My impression that it was a crab/bug thing.
I'm gonna ruin this for everbody
by TheBamfisBack
Dec 28th, 2007
03:52:45 PM
http://www.northstar.k12.ak.us /schools/joy/creamers/Mammals/ Studenthtmls/Woodchuck/woodchu ck.html
Plot detail
by HB_Dad
Dec 30th, 2007
11:40:53 AM
In the interview on this site, it mentions that the monster is based on today's fears. Judging by the whole thing starting with an oil tanker capsizing in NY Harbor, I'd say that oil dependancy is one is the issues tied in to which IS one of the fears of the US today. Perhaps it is fueled or feeds off of oil which is why the tanker was attacked in the first place? Maybe it is MADE of oil which accounts for the "Slusho" references? Just a thought...
Real monster pics?
by HB_Dad
Dec 30th, 2007
11:42:33 AM
By the way, I'm not sure if anyone saw this yet, but it seems consistant with what can be barely made out in the movie clip... http://www.cloverfield-movie.c om/blog/wp-content/uploads/200 7/09/cheese11808wf3.jpg
The review is an asshole
by FlyinHawaiian
Jan 4th, 2008
12:27:00 AM
trying to be funny by saying stupid shit.
wow, great point hawaiian
by just pillow talk
Jan 4th, 2008
01:12:33 PM
Tool.
The Clover Witch Project
by thewolf
Feb 14th, 2008
12:03:12 AM
Another hilarious review. http://wearandtera.blogspot.co m/2008/02/movie-review-cloverw itchproject.html
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