Always practice safe sex, guys.

WAH-KOO-KLAK!!

Megan Fox makes me want to do the thick piss.

TRANSFORMERS had one hot ass chick, a likeable lead (Damn You Shia LaBouef!!!), some amazing action sequences, flawless SFX, and a rollercoaster ride of a movie. If you want deep characterisation and complex plotting, I recommend THE CAUCASIAN CHALK CIRCLE by Bertold Brecht, or some shit.

And on her age: she's actually only 21. Maybe she should lay off the cigarettes and other unhealthy diet aids, if you know what I'm alluding to.

If it is, thank god I never went through with it. That was some drinking sesh, my friend.

M-O-M, lighten up. Turn off your brain for two hours, just watch a non-threatening, harmless, non-philosophical actionfest for what it is: a popcorn blockbuster. Sometimes, you just need to turn on, tune in and drop out. Bay's movies, more often than not (and he's not without his howlers - ARMAGEDDON and PEARL HARBOUR?!?), are perfect for this.

It's just a toy robot commercials movie!

Lornsorrow: you lie like a bitch! There are NO bad photos of Megan Fox. Anywhere. And if there are better photos than that, then, my friend, pony up and prove your words with deeds. I demand URLs!!!

Cameron1: you sick puppy. In fact, you're in good company in THIS talkback.

I thought that synopsis sounded familiar. Part of the Devon Sawa holy trinity of great/bad performances, along with FINAL DESTINATION and the STAN video for Eminem.

Northlander: good points made on sci-fi as a genre using archetypal imagery and futurist characters, but the whole point of the TRANSFORMERS thing is that they were based on the toys first. Imagine people getting this bent out of shape over a CARE BEARS movie, or fucking THUNDERCATS - "the imagery of Thundera as an arid planet doesn't take into account the felinity of the lead characters blah blah" - you can just imagine how fucking silly that sounds. Something like STAR WARS is a whole other deal - the movie was a movie, separate in and of itself, BEFORE the merchandising blitz hit. The TRANSFORMERS cartoon series was made AFTER the toys hit - it was, essentially, a hlaf-hour commercial selling new Transformers to the kids who watched it weekly. I find it hard to imagine even a great writer turning what is essentially an animated sales pitch into an iconic example of the best of the sci-fi genre. If I'm missing an example, please enlighten me - but I'm not bent out of shape over Bayformers because - what else do you want from a two-hour live action toy commercial, which is in essence what it is? The SFX were awesome. Hot chick eye candy. Some funny shit. Some loud, explosive shit. The end. It did exactly what I wanted it to do - so why are people disappointed it wasn't the next MATRIX franchise or something?

It's a toy commercial movie. I have very low expectations for movies in THAT sub-genre, and I was rewarded. So why all the hate?

"You must chill! Chill! YOU MUST CHILL!"

"I have found your keys!"

I also need to know if you have an Affiliate program. 'Cos if every looney tunes sent you $1400 USD to fuck a virtual Megan Fox...

You, sir, are an entrepreneurial genius.

ATARI: Get in line. As from the number of posts on this talkback, it's a very long line.

Excessive Bay hatred: I think it's partly people who don't like the style of his movies - and I absolutely retch when I see the OTT "patriotism" (RE military fetishism) in Armageddon. USA flags everywhere. More military hardware than Robert Heinlein dreamed of. Guns. Lots of guns. Bay has done more to establish the US in the movies as a militaristic war machine rather than a country than any other director on Earth. He is the polar opposite of Ridley Scott when he made Black Hawk Down - ironic, really, since BLACK HAWK DOWN looks exactly like a Bay movie but is, ideologically, absolutely opposed to Bay's movies.

Some people just can't stand stuff that other people like. I think Eli Roth and Paul WS Anderson suck shit as directors, but I acknowledge their right to exist as film-makers, no matter how shite their movies may be. And at least Roth is TRYING to make great movies. PWSA is just the useless waste of flesh that hangs off the goddess Jovovich.

If you hate Bay as much as you claim, then why do you watch his movies? Why do you give the man your money?

http://tinyurl.com/2ejeny

Well, if you have learned your "lesson", as you've put it, I would hope & think that you've reached the nadir of your "Bayformers" ranting. Because 99.99% of your posts on this website are devoted to slamming all-things-Bay regardless of the subject at hand. You are, without a doubt, completely OBSESSED by Michael Bay and his cinematic take on TRANSFORMERS. It makes you look like a complete and utter loon. Quite frankly, I'm amazed that you seem to think you still have so much to say on the topic. It's unbelievable.

Many of us have tried to address this with you but you don't seem very interested in listening. (Much like the many other questions I've put forth to you that, for whatever reason, have chosen to ignore.) TRANSFORMERS is not the end of cinema and it's certainly not the metric with which to measure other film fans' credibility. I think it's high-time you let go of this albatross you've chosen to place around your neck and move on.

Looking worse for wear? Well, you're the one who took the time to write it. (Nice work on including the word "shit" 13 times in one post, too.) However, my apologies for feeling that my question did not require the full dissertation treatment. I appreciate your ability to waste an incredible amount of time on the subject. But I'll be damned if I willingly let you further waste mine as well.

Nice try though, MoM.

You're an intelligent and thoroughly well viewed cinefan (half the stuff you referenced in the HOSTEL talkbacks I'd never heard of) but where does this hate come from?

Case in Point: BAD BOYS II. Way too many people badmouth this movie, except that when you ask for definitions why: nothing. It seems to be de rigeur to slag off this movie for no reason. What are your reasons for hating it? The action is flawless; the effects, exceptional (most of the CGI replacements you'd never notice). Is it the script? The plot? The stars? Is it 'cos it is black?

The BAD BOYS movies aren't to everyone's taste: this is true. If you're a fan of French existentialism, this ain't it. What these movies are, are dumb Saturday night popcorn and several beers entertaining crowd-pleasing lowest common denominator action blockbusters. There's no point sneering at other people who "didn't get it" with these movies, because they are so easy to understand that EVERYONE gets it. But just because YOU don't like them, doesn't mean that they are bad movies. On every technical level, they are flawless. On the creative level - well, that's all purely subjective. If you want to pick at holes in the plot, fine - let's get into that. But your hatred of Bay movies just sounds plain irrational - and for such a smart guy as yourself, that's doing you a grave disservice. You make yourself sound a lot dumber than I was giving you credit for. To each their own, my friend: one man's shitpile is another man's treasure. Let us like our Bay movies, and you can have your obscure Euro horros etc.

If not, greetings from the heart of England from the very English Spud. And I get what you're saying about patriotic vs nationalistic: my bad.

I must say that Megan Fox is built for speed, as you say, and I Stand Ready to Let Her Destroy Me.

what a way to go....

p.s. why bait MoM--just to watch him dance for you? dance he did!

scroll to the bottom for the best shots (of just her)

poke around that site for some amazing hi-res photos of all your favorites

But can she act?

Ah fuck it, who cares? Just put her in HACK/SLASH as Cassie Hack PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!! !!

Excuse me. I have to go clean up this keyboard.

Definitely looking forward to RAZOR. (I'm sure we'll have some good TBs to look forward to.) Have you been watching the minisodes? How about that young Adama!

Yeah, no kidding. Quite luscious that girl (nip-slip and all). Too bad her face got torched!

Makes me wonder what more they've got instore for young Adama...

MoM - your statements about cinema couldn't be more assumptive or redundant. I'm not sure of these "most people" you're refering to...I certainly don't know of many people who only subscribe to one or two genres of film. Is that how it is in Portugal?

Anyway, thanks for completely missing the obvious barb contained within my previous post. I guess I should have closed it with a big "DUH" to make it more clear.

How is that for base irony, MoM?

"geekoid" - You mean there is another meaning for this word?! What could it possibly be?! I stand enraptured; awaiting your further horrific grasp of the English language.

Newsflash: the "zietgiest" surrounding Bay & TRANSFORMERS was to hate them before, during, and after. I don't know what planet you're living on that would fail to receive this transmission. (I take it you did not read any of the Talkbacks preceding the release of the film?)

The fact that some of the most bitter haters of Bay's work actually walked out of the theater and confessed to enjoying his film...just seems to be something that you, and you alone, can't overcome. I cite your many posts on the subject as proof.

I mean, damn, people. Is it open season on MoM? He's a zealot on the Bay hate, for sure, but damn - he's allowed his opinion. Let the man speak.

RE the moisty glow around Foxy in TRANSFORMERS - I believe it was a sepia filter applied to his lens, plus a liberal spraying of baby oil in every frame. As stolen from Tony Scott, along with his shooting style, his editing, and all his ideas on how to stage action. Bay is Tony Scott Jr, and I've yet to hear him publicly admit to it, the bastard.

As for PWSA... supposedly he's an okay guy: I used to work with a guy who went to film school here in the UK with him, who says he's a great fella. I enjoyed MORTAL KOMBAT on its own terms - a video game adap that was watchable! Chris Lambert having a great time chewing scenery! PRINCE GORO!!! - and EVENT HORIZON was positively brilliant, if derivative. Still chilling. But everything he's done since just prove more and more that the bad far outweighs the good... And he's fucking Milla Jovovich, who is spawning the new generation of PWSA soon.

Bastard.

Oh, one more thing MoM - Reasons! REASONS why you hate BAD BOYS II!!! And that goes for the whole damn talkback. WHY do you hate BAD BOYS II so fucking much???

Back to the Body. Megan Fox is my bitch. I saw her way first.

"Let he that hath understanding, see the Letters of the New Beast, for it is the abbreviation of a film. And its Letters are - A.V.P."

When that unholy stillbirth of a movie was shat upon us from Fox, I knew that PWSA was the Hollywood Anti-Christ. Get the daggers, Northlander - let us end this!!!

AvP: The Next Generation *shudder*.

Liking the Megiddo daggers, though! I wonder, though... if Milla Jovovich were to come to her senses and stab him in the shoulder with a Megiddo blade, who would PWSA see hovering before him in the air, gloating as he falls? My guess: the patron saint of great genre movies, John Carpenter. complete with PS3 controller and fried chicken in hand. He'd be grinning through his blunt-stained beard and red trucker's cap, as Anderson falls to his knees, his unholy reign on Hollywood over at last:

PWSA: "You have won nothing... Carpenter!"

He dies.

JC: "Fuck you for killing AvP! Fuck you!!! Now for that Escape from New York remake..."

The Shyamaln twist is that Carpenter is in fact the REAL Hollywood Anti-Christ, and we get the remake of Big Trouble in Little China, starring Shia LaBoeuf. I explode out of sheer rage. Memories-of-Murder plots elaborate revenge against Carpenter. And you get to wander the Earth with the remaining Megiddo blades, wondering what the fuck happened.

I'm going to stop drinking the fizzy brown liquid now. I feel very strange.

About the fact that BB2 takes nothing seriously... that's because it's an action movie, a popcorn blockbuster. I accept that there are smart blockbusters - for my money, nothing Bay has ever done touches the genius of the BOURNE ULTIMATUM )in fact the entire BOURNE TRILOGY) - but then, some movies are serious, some aren't. This movie is as far from Schindler's List as you can go, which negates any reason to compare the two. You may as well compare TRANSFORMERS to CITIZEN KANE. I think your biggest problem with this movie is in the way you're watching it: you're expecting some cinema verite masterpiece like Michael Mann's revamped MIAMI VICE, which has a great, sleazy little mockumentary feel to it: the feeling that it isn't a movie, but something some hidden cameras have picked up. BAD BOYS 2 is as realistic as BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA: it's a blast, a rollercoaster ride, nothing serious at all.

Did it need the Gitmo bit, or the Cuban bit? Not at all. The whole damn thing felt superfluous. You could have ended it after they get the drugs and money from the coffin, with a ten minute bit after that where they go to apprehend Johnny Tapia, and instead have to blow him sky high. Boom. Done. The whole Cuban bit was shit - and after the Abu Ghraib photos and all the mistreatment going on at Gitmo thanks to the Thief in Chief, well, watching BB2's Gitmo sequence now leaves a very sour taste in my cultured mouth.

Are they hardcore? Are they hell. Put the Bad Boys in DISTRICT 13 (seriously, that movie is fucking awesome!) and they'd last about five seconds. These movies are about two things: Will smith is eye candy for the chicks and the gay guys, and Martin Lawrence is funny when he's angry/picked on by his wife/being shat on by Joe Pantoliano/trying to stay calm with the Wusah! thing. Now, you either like Lawrence's humour or you don't. Fair enough. It's like watching anything with Shia LaBoeuf in it: I see why everyone raves about the kid - he's quick witted, his timing's good, and he has that fressh face but world weary air about him that seems incongruous. But I don't find him funny or charming: to me, he tries too hard, he's grating, and he's annoying. Do I think his appearance in a movie automatically makes the movie bad? Hell no. It's my preference. It's like liking Tom Cruise or not: he's good at what he does, but whether you like him or not depends on whether you like what he does well. You REALLY don't like Smith or Lawrence: fine, but it don't make them shit. They're damn good at what they do: you just hate what they do. Fair enough.

The corpses on the freeway bit was done better by the Adam Rifkin movie THE CHASE in 1994 - Charlie Sheen and Kristie Swanson, who looks so much sexier when screaming than Martin fucking Lawrence does. Enough said there.

We seriously have to agree to disagree with the action scenes. Take the freeway bit, for instance: it doesn't advance the plot> In the course of that scene, we understand how serious the Haitians are about offing the cops; how they're willing to do ANYTHING to get away; that Will Smith's character stays in control during the action, but that Lawrence's character is leaving the partnership precisely because he DOESN'T enjoy the action; and the bombshell that they didn't previously know - that Sid is actually not a desk jockey at all, but is a DEA agent in the field, which is a major personal affront to Marcus. All important stuff - and it gives Joe Pantoliano a good reason to give us one of his classic Chief exlpoding in the office scenes, which he does brilliantly. It shows how failing to complete an objective for the Bad Boys can actualy cause serious repercussions for the whole dept.

About the Americans having the right to invade who they want, when they want, with no reason or explanation: even the President does that these days. It's by no means just a Bay phenomenon. It's not something I enjoy watching, either, but it's the same with any soldier's story: he doesn't care what the politics are in the situation, why a war was started or whatever, he is paid to train and to fight, period. When the bullets start flying, you watch the backs of yourself and your men, and go after the enemy. Period. This movie isn't a political discourse: they're basically only a couple of levels above beat cops. They don't make policy.

I could go on. "Don't!" I hear everyone cry. It's a popcorn movie, not a deep and meaningful movie! You sound like you need to stick to Michael Mann, Scorsese or Joe Carnahan (not seen it, but NARC sounds like your bag). This is a silly, fun movie. Sure, it has flaws. It ain't perfect. But it goes great with a pizza and a six-pack. And that's how it's meant to be.

Oh boy. Then he made JOHN CARPENTER'S VAMPIRES, GHOSTS OF MARS... and he exec produced THE FOG remake.

For allowing that fucking travesty to go anywhere NEAR a cinema screen - and I'm more offended by the Fog remake than Alien Vs Predator, which at least had no original producers or writers of the Aliens or Predator movies on board - John Carpenter should be fucking horse whipped. I agree he's given us great, great movies - you have no idea what I would do for a new Jack Burton movie, and I'm forever defending ESCAPE FROM LA, which I really enjoyed - but after THE FOG remake, he's a hack for hire these days. He takes the money and runs. But whatever reasons he has for this - and I'm sure they're good reasons - he's stopped caring about what happens to his movies, his characters, and his enduring legacy. Now his name is just attached to shit. That's worse than if he were shit to begin with.

So fuck it... He gets a Meggido too. Right, Northlander?

I'm really not going to budge you on this BAD BOYS II thing, am I?? >:p

You're not put upon this earth to "get it"...

I know what you mean about the real relief being intellectual, intelligent movies - but BB2 is so much dumber than your average dumb movie that it feels like a respite in itself. I know you don't enjoy a movie THAT dumb in the way that I do, but BB2 actually makes BULLETPROOF MONK and other no-brainer actioners look intelligent by comparison. It's the same reason I love HAROLD & KUMAR GET THE MUNCHIES so much: it's so fucking dumb I can laugh with my reptilian, primal brain. It requires no effort whatsoever. Which is good, sometimes.

But unfortunately the Northlander has a point about Big Trouble, and we have to do something about that!!!

Will look out for ARMOUR - I like John Steakley, he's pulp reading with style. Reminds me of Mike Resnick (SANTIAGO is my favourite sci-fi novel EVER) and Robert Vardeman (loving THE WAR OF POWERS and its sequel). So, I'll keep em peeled for ARMOUR - thanks for the heads up.

It's what Billy The Kid says before he shoots someone. I remember thinking that was really cool when I was 12. As it were.

MNG- the one where he posted some shit about how he'd definately be booking a date with Mr. Alien, Mr. Predator, and lots and lots of Mr and Mrs Dead People this Christmas. Based entirely on one shitey preview. Despite the fact that it is established that AvP2 has a fucking predalion in it, and is set in FUCKING KMART (the stupidity of this bugs me)- he is a dirty, pathetic little hypocrite who likes to pontificate on the various merits of high-brow cinema, berate people that enjoy dumb movies for being somehow lesser beings, and yet at the same time is salivating at the thought of a heinous marketing tie-in nightmare that is viciously defiling the heritage passed down by Ridley Scott, James Cameron, David Fincher, and John Mctiernan (All directors that PWSA is not fit to bring bagels to)

He also thinks the Long Kiss Goodnight is shit- but can only express himself by loosely paraphrasing Chritopher Brookmyre's criticisms of that film in One Fine Day In The Middle Of The Night- and that anyone that enjoyed it is a submoron.

On PWSA- a loathsome sub-boll director. I hate to say this, but shopping is actually good- despite having the unholy duo of Jude Law and Sadie Frost in it. Event Horizon is OK, MK is fun in a dopey way, and then there is the absolute sin of Resident Evil. Fucking Amnesia- I mean, what? Amnesia is the tool of the hack writer who cannot come up with a decent plot. It was so avoidable because the premise of the ganme would actually have worked fine, but noooooo- PWSA knew better. The only redeeming feature of Resident Evil is that it is vastly better than its sequel which is a complete and utter disgrace to celluloid. A stupid PG13 moron fest, populated by imbeciles with 0 charisma, moronic sub-bay action sequences and a soundtrack written by God himself (Satan has the best tunes). A complete soapy tit-wank of a film. I wouldn't watch the third one- even if it had the mighty Warwick Davies in it.

I don't give out gold stars for good work, but I shall have a thug stomp you every time you persist in attempting to be condescending without the intellectual chops to back it up.

Tool. Unfortunately, you are correct about both BB2 and The Fog. I feel dirty and shameful, not to mention a little violated, admitting that.

Fuck PWSA- the horrid Milla defiling tosspiece. May the fleas of 1000 camels infest his arsehole.

I also discriminate by quality. As it were.

My point about your hypocrisy is this- AvP 2 is just about the stupidest script/ story ever written. The reason that the Kmart setting is so appalling is that it is an utterly wasted opportunity and squanders everything about the original Alien films (not to mention the 2 predator efforts) that made them classic. It shows little to no understanding of the property, and your DOTD analogy is spurious at best. To compare Alien and DOTD is appalling, it is an irrlevant attempt to confuse the issue. AvP is not a zombie survival film. It is- or at least should be- science fiction and not set in arsefuck, Texas, in the year 2007. The fact that they have chosen to waste an opportunity to do a big, bold Alien epic (which is what could have been done) is indicative of the low-rent marketing driven shite behind the film. As it were. With your constant harangues against stupidity in cinema (with a capital "C") you should want to, based on what we have seen, avoid this like a 90 year old hooker with genital warts. As it were. Yet you are enthusiastic about it.

Fine- setting is irrelevant? then I'd like to see you justify the predalion. As it were.

It represents the absolute nadir of film and the "enthusiasm" of the directors is absolutely irrelevant. Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't PWSA himself hugely enthusiastic about the first one? As it were.

Finally, I don't give a fuck if it will be worse than the first one (that would be impossible) but it could very easily equal the first one in crapness. Remember, these are the 2 dipshits that wrote At least it isn't PG13.

My real hatred of this is based in my feeling that either way (box office bomb, or success) this will bang the final nail in the coffin of the Alien movies.

My point about your hypocrisy is this- AvP 2 is just about the stupidest script/ story ever written. As it were. The reason that the Kmart setting is so appalling is that it is an utterly wasted opportunity and squanders everything about the original Alien films (not to mention the 2 predator efforts) that made them classic. As it were. It shows little to no understanding of the property, and your DOTD analogy is spurious at best. As it were. To compare Alien and DOTD is appalling, it is an irrlevant attempt to confuse the issue. As it were. AvP is not a zombie survival film. As it were. It is- or at least should be- science fiction and not set in arsefuck, Texas, in the year 2007. As it were. The fact that they have chosen to waste an opportunity to do a big, bold Alien epic (which is what could have been done) is indicative of the low-rent marketing driven shite behind the film. As it were. With your constant harangues against stupidity in cinema (with a capital "C") you should want to, based on what we have seen, avoid this like a 90 year old hooker with genital warts. As it were. Yet you are enthusiastic about it. As it were.

Fine- setting is irrelevant? As it were. Then I'd like to see you justify the predalion. As it were.

It represents the absolute nadir of film and the "enthusiasm" of the directors is absolutely irrelevant. As it were. Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't PWSA himself hugely enthusiastic about the first one? As it were.

Finally, I don't give a fuck if it will be worse than the first one (that would be impossible) but it could very easily equal the first one in crapness. As it were. Remember, these are the 2 dipshits that wrote FvJ- a fucking awful little film. As it were. At least it isn't PG13. As it were.

My real hatred of this is based in my feeling that either way (box office bomb, or success) this will bang the final nail in the coffin of the Alien movies. As it were.

Console yourself with being correct about the fog remake and Platinum Dunes in general.

That would be cool, and vaguely topical. If you want the predators can come down and hunt the Aliens for sport whilst a few isolated pockets of humanity attempt to fight both off.

There you go, I've just come up with a better premise than Texas 2007 AvP 2: The corporate schilling.

Ceilings of glasses and all that.

The phrase is "Glass houses".

My portuguese is shite though.

The difference between us, dickhead, is that I do not rail or pontificate about people's mental faculties for enjoying bad movies. I do not pretend to be some almighty arbiter of taste. And if I did then I would scrupolously avoid shite like AvP2. Of course I have been suckered in to dross, but you don't find me telling the likes of Bodet that he is a moron for liking it. You on the other hand, our blessed guiding light in cinema, actively promote and seek utterly retarded shit. Hence the hypocrisy. If you are going to Talk the Talk you have to Walk the Walk.

I'm done with you now. So fuck off.