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Vern Reviews TURISTAS!!

Vern is right... by oh_riginal	Nov 29th, 2006 03:32:18 AM
Here in Seattle, that fucking Ride the Duck is annoying as hell. No matter where I go, I can't seem to escape that thing! Its like a horror movie situation, hmmm....
Err... by Anton_Sirius	Nov 29th, 2006 04:16:04 AM
Severance is a British film, and it takes the piss out of slashers as much as it is one itself. So how exactly is it a "Hollywood" response to anything? If you're going to toss around half-assed theories, Mr. Monkey (if that is your real name) at least try to make sure they have some internal consistency.
The Ducks and the Fish. by Traumnovelle	Nov 29th, 2006 04:17:27 AM
Yea. I get so fucking irate trying to get through Pike Place. Thats why I make a point to NEVER FUCKING GO THERE, but sometimes I get myself into a jam. Usually I just have to piss badly and I'm two blocks from Lusty Lady's free facilities so I'm forced to fight the crowds watching the fish throwing. I hate the fucking fish throwing. So much. And don't get me started on the Ride the Ducks. Normally I can just ignore them, but I've broken down before and shouted belligerently and made menacing hand gestures, but I'll blame that more on probably being drunk. I love this review. He completely got sidetracked and focused on two of the most annoying things in my city. Two more for you: People who walk through that dumb fountain/walkway thing at Westlake and get really excited about it because they got splashed a little, and people who ride the monorail, for any reason. Cause, you know...the monorail is really just a TRAM version of the Ride the Ducks safari adventure. But I digress. I think this shit looks stupid. But I love the message. All foreigners are bloodthirsty organ thieves and we are all better off staying at home. The second you stop loving freedom is the second your kidneys are cut out of your back. Serves them right. Post comment!
Christine by Franklin T Marmoset	Nov 29th, 2006 05:46:55 AM
Didn't the other actor from Christine also go on to direct? I think he did A Midnight Clear, which was actually a pretty good film. I haven't seen any by this other Christine fellow. Are they any good?
Thanks Vern by Ribbons	Nov 29th, 2006 05:57:22 AM
I love your reviews so, y'know, keep writing them and stuff.
Sucks about the lack of shark attacks. by instant_karma	Nov 29th, 2006 06:32:49 AM
But I still might check this out, if only to add to the list 'similar genre, but much better than Hostel' films that I like to reel off to the poor deluded folks that dig that movie. BTW Vern, is the square brackets inside the curvy brackets a real grammer thing or were you just improvising?
Not as good as The Descent though? by The Wrong Guy	Nov 29th, 2006 06:36:16 AM
That movie was effing sweet.
this movie looks like complete ass by triplefive	Nov 29th, 2006 07:24:28 AM
id rather see the fountain again.
I liked the Underground tour in Seattle by c4andmore	Nov 29th, 2006 07:31:29 AM
reminded me of that Kolchak episode
Wolf Creek was a huge bummer. by Frijole	Nov 29th, 2006 07:39:54 AM
Well shot, well acted. Horribly paced, horribly plotted.
It makes you learn an important lesson... by brycemonkey	Nov 29th, 2006 08:07:15 AM
Wherever you go that isn't 'home' you will be attacked, mutilated and killed by one or more of the following. Werewolves; underground troglodytes;Radiation Mutants; Inbred freaks with chain saw fixations; vampires; torture lovers; hillbillys; outback Aussies; Organ stealers; deranged hitchhikers; maniac cops; transvestites with mother issues; bands of murderous families; the Undead; giant crocodiles or sharks or snakes or 'insert bitey creature'; Aliens. Any more? It's a wonder anyone leaves the house really. I'll let someone else complie a list of the type of things that attack you in your own home, just so you know what to be on the lookout for... Oh, and nice work Vern.
Americans = afraid of foreigners by Cruel_Kingdom	Nov 29th, 2006 08:14:58 AM
Also, doesn't this sound awfully similar to Hostel?
Ride the Ducks by RetroActive	Nov 29th, 2006 08:45:00 AM
They started in Boston, I believe...they're old converted WWII LCVP boats...the ones that stormed Normandy on D-Day. Yeah, they were annoying from time to time...but I didn't mind them as much. Tourists can be annoying...but being a former restaurant guy, they help pay the bills in the summertime. If you yell "Quack, Quack!" at them they are forced to respond. Kind of humorous when you're hung over.
Correction... by RetroActive	Nov 29th, 2006 08:48:57 AM
Ride the Ducks is a different company. This is the original in Boston. http://tinyurl.com/u982n They're more interesting than the Ride the Ducks which are also in Philly. I'll go away now.
Hey Vern, don't bother with BABEL by bingo the clown	Nov 29th, 2006 08:57:24 AM
It's basically the emotional equivalent of one of these tourture-fest flicks. A bunch of suffering to no point.
only 2, maybe 4? LAME by godzillasushi	Nov 29th, 2006 09:03:56 AM
Thats a shame.
You're not a zebra? by Spandau Belly	Nov 29th, 2006 09:48:52 AM
I think that's up to me to decide.
Vern, Next Time You Write A Review Of A Shitty Ripoff by www.valiens.com	Nov 29th, 2006 09:57:13 AM
.... don't even bother with the review, just describe more things from your hometown because that's far more entertaining. Plus who gives a shit about the movie? Certainly not the director; I'm betting not the writer or cast either.
Hey does anyone know by Farley Flavors	Nov 29th, 2006 10:20:00 AM
when the movie "Turistas Go Home" is coming out? I've been seeing ads for it everywhere! ;-)
WOOOO TORTURE PORN!!! Woooooooo by wolvenom	Nov 29th, 2006 10:24:44 AM
yaaaaaa wooooooooooooooooooooo TORTURE PORN!!!!!!!! Every movie should be called 'hostel' in a different language so we know which movies to make a v line toward for the delicious torture porn!! WOooooooooooooooooo TORTURE PORN! WOooooooooooooo
I think we are ignoring the most imporant fact here by Strshp2rpr	Nov 29th, 2006 10:30:02 AM
The director is the guy who played Cougar in Top Gun! How fucking cool is that? Some of his other stuff has been really good...he's actually legit. Looking forward to this one.
Further why do people hate tourists???? by wolvenom	Nov 29th, 2006 10:34:47 AM
I don't hate retarded tourist americans for comming up to canada wondering where the polar bears, eskimos, and igloos are... i kind of enjoy their stupidity when they ask me questions about the city and the area. tourists are awesome> they spend lots of fucking money for whatever shit city you live in they are overly friendly easy to get along with and are always more fun than the other people living in your shit city to drink with> cause they"re always looking for a good time>
Yawn, yawn - triple yawn by KeithL	Nov 29th, 2006 10:36:42 AM
Is anyone else bored as shit with the whole Hollywood torture movie template? C'mon guys - try a reasonably original idea for a change.
Americans fucking suck... by wolvenom	Nov 29th, 2006 10:40:52 AM
its one of the reasons i hate visiting the states. they're fairly unfriendly to tourists. The only friendly part is Florida.
re: Americans fucking suck by Ribbons	Nov 29th, 2006 10:58:24 AM
"There are only two things I hate: intolerance, and the Dutch."
Great review. by Daddylonghead	Nov 29th, 2006 11:07:28 AM
Vern ol' boy, you still got it. I could indulge the Talkbacker trope of repeating lines of your review I found particularly funny, but instead I'll just say WELL DONE SIR.
We have a Duck thing! by Cat_Corporation	Nov 29th, 2006 11:10:40 AM
In London we have a bus that goes into Thames and out again - that's what you're referring to, right? But we also have a builder who drives around in an old-fashioned car that gives out bubbles while he sings ear-splitting karaoke classics over a PA that clearly goes up to 11. Weird. Oh yeah - the movie. Sounds lame.
Fucking "torture porn" again, huh? by Vern	Nov 29th, 2006 11:18:19 AM
How come I specifically asked for that debate in the CHAOS talkback and nobody even touched it, but now it comes up in everything I write? Well, I think that term is usually exaggerated (if Hostel is torture porn then what is Guinea Pig?) but in this case it doesn't even fit. There is a scene of organ stealing. There is no torture. This is not about torture nor is about porn, sadly. It's closer to spelunking porn than torture porn. By the way, a clarification about my tourist complaint. Most of the tourists I'm talking about are actually from the area, they just don't live in the city and every once in a while it's exciting to come in and watch a dude throw a fish. But they are within driving distance so it is not very feasible to steal their organs without being traced. So it is really not that much for me to brag about that I have avoided stealing their organs. Just common sense. And Wolvenom, are you making a joke? Isn't Florida where all those German tourists kept getting murdered?
I liked Wolf Creek a lot.. by BigTuna	Nov 29th, 2006 11:36:31 AM
I enjoyed how it spent a lot of time letting us get to know the characters before all hell breaks loose. It made it more suspenseful when their lives are in danger.
I liked WOLF CREEK... by -guyinthebackrow	Nov 29th, 2006 12:04:51 PM
... until I found out, at the end, that it was based in fact. And then I thought, "fuck the director, the writer, the actors, the entire crew, and anyone that likes this exploitation of actual misery."
austin by johnnyangel	Nov 29th, 2006 12:35:34 PM
we've got the tourist duck tour thing here in austin, too. i'm smelling me some alien conspiracy. probably disguised alien assault vehicles.
Hey, I liked those donuts! by StovetopStuffin'	Nov 29th, 2006 01:06:46 PM
And yes, it was some pierced, just-out-of-college guy who was selling them, but they were good. And my wife loved the flowers. But yeah, the fish throwing....eh. It was just fish being thrown. Not like they were doing fun tricks throwing them, like it was Cocktail or something. No "Hippy Hippy Shake" or anything.
Tourists by RowanM	Nov 29th, 2006 01:18:16 PM
I'm sure tourists don't give a fuck about you either. "Don't mind us, we're just pumping shit loads of money into your community." I think there was something about a review in here somewhere but I lost interest and stopped reading.
I love tourists... by biggles2_22	Nov 29th, 2006 01:43:03 PM
for dinner! Hahahahahahaha! (burp)
oh and wolvenom... by biggles2_22	Nov 29th, 2006 01:50:07 PM
Lived in Canada for two years and tell you that you are an exception to what most Canadians feel about American tourism. It's one of the few industries that keeps the border towns afloat and the Canooks and Yanks have a whole lot more in common than not. But I can appreciate your trying to invoke responses. You must be a lonely little man looking for some attention. Did daddy pull out and leave you feelin' all empty inside?
ZEBRA! by Spandau Belly	Nov 29th, 2006 02:06:35 PM
See, Vern didn't deny it in his post! He is a Zebra! I can spot a zebra review from a mile* away! *("mile" is what dumb American tourists call a kilometer before they get tortured to death)
I saw it; It's not even as mediocre as he's saying. by Freakemovie	Nov 29th, 2006 03:02:54 PM
Just a really horribly cliched piece of horror (you can figure out who'll die and who'll live as soon as everybody's introduced), with an extended climax in a series of caves so dark its impossible to tell whats going on. All this talk about better "realism" is probably mostly a result of shaky and grainy camera work; the actual plot is incrediby formulaic. It's trying to get hardcore-horror cred through two scenes: a particularly grisly fall off a cliff, and an extended scene of a girl getting her organs taken out. I realize there's a fan base for crap like that, but even if you happen to be in it, the movie still sucks. Don't be fooled.
I saw it; It's not even as mediocre as he's saying. by Freakemovie	Nov 29th, 2006 03:02:54 PM
Just a really horribly cliched piece of horror (you can figure out who'll die and who'll live as soon as everybody's introduced), with an extended climax in a series of caves so dark its impossible to tell whats going on. All this talk about better "realism" is probably mostly a result of shaky and grainy camera work; the actual plot is incrediby formulaic. It's trying to get hardcore-horror cred through two scenes: a particularly grisly fall off a cliff, and an extended scene of a girl getting her organs taken out. I realize there's a fan base for crap like that, but even if you happen to be in it, the movie still sucks. Don't be fooled.
crap by Freakemovie	Nov 29th, 2006 03:03:40 PM
apparently I pressed the mouse button twice with lightning speed
Wolf Creek and Fish Throwing... by brycemonkey	Nov 29th, 2006 03:19:14 PM
there's a subject I never thought I'd write. Wolf Creek was good but the whole 'based on a true story' thing is shit. If anything Hitcher is more the true story there. The Cohens were right to put 'BOATS' on Fargo because that's what every modern film maker is doing these days. I'd much prefer to see 'Based on an original story and screen play' rather than all that recycled and grasping for relevance tripe. Anyway, rant over. Also with the fish, are they alive? And do they juggle them or is it more like a game of frisbee?
WUF by Holodigm	Nov 29th, 2006 03:28:23 PM
the new classic term from Vern
Wolvenom by JackieJokeman	Nov 29th, 2006 04:06:15 PM
People probably arent very nice to you when you travel or when you stay right in your home town. The reason? Youre kind of a dick.
Florida Hates Tourists Too! by Marv Spaulding	Nov 29th, 2006 07:47:39 PM
But only tourists from other states. Foreigners are fine, they're much less annoying than other Americans.
you know what's worse than regular tourists? by occula	Nov 29th, 2006 08:44:03 PM
FRENCH CANADIAN TOURISTS. OK, if there are any french canadians out there, i apologize, but i also hope you have never been a tourist. because if i ever see you, trying to run over someone's grandma in your giant RV whilst wearing a banana hammock and drinking a Molson, I will hunt you down and murder you. if i ever go to canadia, i will do mitzvahs and feed the poor and kiss babies and do whatever else it takes to balance out all the french canadian tourists who have ruined my vacations and the vacations and lives of many others. that being said, vern is funny.
Hilarious. by Lucasblows	Nov 29th, 2006 10:34:08 PM
Vern is easily the best reviewer on this site.
to Guy in the Back Row by Vern	Nov 29th, 2006 10:38:43 PM
Like Brycemonkey said, Wolf Creek is not really based on a true story. It comes closer than Texas Chain Saw Massacre I guess, but the "based on true events" claim just comes from the fact that there were a few murders of backpackers out in rural areas of Australia like that. The media has tried to tie the movie to specific cases but they can't even agree which one it's based on. (see the wikipedia for more info.) The Child's Play series however is 100% true, except for part 3 which is mostly bullshit.
YAWN More Torture by Sepulchrave	Nov 30th, 2006 12:50:56 AM
Desensitised and bored. Tired of this stuff. Not even funny anymore, just feels like I'm being softened up for the REAL torture and violence out there in the world. Cynical, unoriginal crud from boy-men with small penises and low success rates with women working out their porno fantasies. Count me out.
What part of THERE'S NO GOD DAMN TORTURE IN THE MOVIE by Vern	Nov 30th, 2006 02:33:33 AM
do you not understand? Must be the 'THERE'S NO GOD DAMN' part, you got the rest. So I don't know what else to say to you.
I loved Wolf Creek by smackfu	Nov 30th, 2006 03:16:20 AM
I avoided it for a full year because everyone said it was shit. Then I watched it, and it left a knot in my gut. I watched it thinking it really WAS based on a true events, which made it's brutality hit me even harder. And I have never seen an on-screen villian that I hated more than 'Uncle Mike'.
continued by smackfu	Nov 30th, 2006 03:21:04 AM
And I wouldn't really classify it as 'torture porn'. It was more the joy the killer took in his brutality, and the director was very good at toying with the audience in making it look like a character was going to survive then yanking the carrot away.
Florida is nice to tourists? by JackRabbitSlim	Nov 30th, 2006 04:44:10 AM
Then why does it seem that every year some Euro tourist gets killed after wandering into Liberty City, Overtown or Carol City?' BTW - there is only one true torture porn movie and that is Salo. Torturing tourists blows - putting 14 year olds in simulated agony is truly demented.
TURISTAS is portuguese for TOURISTS! by spiceee	Nov 30th, 2006 08:27:50 AM
Vern needs to get some portuguese lessons ASAP!
Clarify: Ass shots...male or female? by Ellipsian	Nov 30th, 2006 01:44:43 PM
Hey, just askin'...
fish by canopus	Nov 30th, 2006 03:32:36 PM
I worked at a place that showed us a video of that fish thing in Seattle. They claimed we could learn valuable lessons to apply to our work from it. Considering it was a call center, that didn't make much sense to me. I guess having fun while you work was what they were going for, but it was about the biggest hell hole I ever worked in, even worse than my teenage fast food job.
canopus... by Ellipsian	Dec 4th, 2006 12:21:07 PM
...Holy shit I so had to watch that too! And I worked in a call center also, which in and of itself wasn't overly hellish, but to me the job in general was. Man, I can almost remember that damn fish throwing video and how your attitude made your job better and blah, blah blah...

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