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Vern uses his Untold Power on Renny Harlin's THE COVENANT!!!

Yawn Yawn by Foxman	Sep 8th, 2006 03:23:33 AM

either 5th or third... I'm confused. by zombieslayer	Sep 8th, 2006 03:33:45 AM
also, saw snakes on a plane again tonight. that shit doesn't get old. when I'm drinking.
The guy yelling about Bush killing his son... by Ronald Raygun	Sep 8th, 2006 03:46:02 AM
...it wasn't Joel Seigel, was it?
Damn you Michael Bay by MCMLXXVI	Sep 8th, 2006 03:50:43 AM

Well Vern... by The Guy Who Nods	Sep 8th, 2006 03:55:18 AM
You didn't make me wanna see The Covenant, but I'll be damned if the first thing I do when I get off work today isn't go and rent Mindhunters. Christian Slater shatters, Val Kilmer corpse puppet AND an underwater shootout?!!
Isn't this just a remake of THE CRAFT? by Negative Man	Sep 8th, 2006 04:34:03 AM
But with a bunch of metroed out pretty boys? It looks like ultimately powerful crap. I guess Renny needed beer money.
Great review, Vern! by theBigE	Sep 8th, 2006 05:14:59 AM
The man knows how to pick a few golden nuggets from a trashy film. Vern, that is, not Harlin! This sounds better than Cuthroat Island!
Negative Man by DrRumpledink	Sep 8th, 2006 05:28:46 AM
yep! :)
I hope Harlin offers Vern out now. by Lost Prophet	Sep 8th, 2006 05:37:49 AM
or this TB won't be anywhere near as much fun as the infamous Juggfuckling CHAOS one.
guy yelling in theatre. by mr. brownstone	Sep 8th, 2006 05:56:13 AM
Maybe he saw in the movie a metaphor of how Bush via his Skulls connections acheived "untold power" and as a result that guys son is now risking life and limb in Iraq. that man yelling in the theatre will become the next Cindy Sheehan... only cooler because he had a vision during a Renny Harlin movie. Another classic Vern!
I like Deep Blue Sea by Lost Prophet	Sep 8th, 2006 05:57:49 AM
The whole film is worth the experience for the sequence where Samuel L Jackson gets chomped by a shark half way through his big Morale Boosting speech. I nearly cried with laughter
It's crap. Pretty crap, but crap nontheless. by Yeti	Sep 8th, 2006 06:19:03 AM
And I'll still rent it. After reading the other review re: A&F model type actors, small speedos and a gratouitous locker room scene, I was pretty much sold.
I'd rather watch that CGI movie with the talking bat by DOGSOUP	Sep 8th, 2006 06:24:19 AM
...and baseball. Actually I'd rather rape myself with Verne Troyer head first than even THINK about either one.
"they oughta put a fuckin guard rail on that cliff." by tripp5	Sep 8th, 2006 07:22:44 AM
goddamned classic. that and "fuck a broom." i almost fell out of my chair.
Awesome by Frankenblogger	Sep 8th, 2006 07:33:51 AM
I want to see this pile of shit just from reading Vern's review. Perhaps we just don't "get" Renny Harlin. Perhaps we're supposed to go into his movies thinking "this is going to be a hilarious pile of crap". Who knows? "What's a darkling?" HA!
"The sons of Ipswich"???!!! by Schnorbitz	Sep 8th, 2006 07:54:45 AM
That will get laughed off the screen in Britain. Ipswich is the county town of Suffolk, and is not one of the most exciting places to be. It's rather less interesting than Norwich.
Deepest! Bluest! My hat is like a shark fin! by Lance Rock	Sep 8th, 2006 07:54:53 AM
Yeah, Deep Blue Sea rules on all kinds of levels
More excellent work by Vern... by TV CASUALTY	Sep 8th, 2006 08:05:54 AM
... who is rapidly becoming the only reviewer I consistenly read here. As for Deep Blue Sea - I'm embarassed to admit how many times I've seen it. I mean... it's HORRIBLE. Despite having the greatest shark-related-death-during-a-u plifting-speech-by-sam-jackson scene of all time. But otherwise, it's just shit. And yet... I own the fucker. Sometimes I hate myself.
no one can credibly say that Deep Blue Sea is good. by Lost Prophet	Sep 8th, 2006 08:27:13 AM
As it's terrible on so many levels. But how can you not love a film that has a guy who is a professional "Shark Wrangler" in it. My personal guilty favourite is Flash Gordon. Just watching that cast murder some of the worst dialogue ever filmed makes me howl with laughter. I own it too. I also hate myself. "Flash, I love you, but we only have fourteen hours to save the Earth!"- classic
"sub-Anakin acting skills" by brycemonkey	Sep 8th, 2006 09:04:59 AM
Good stuff Vern, I'm off to work on my chisled abs now...
funny review! by blacklightning	Sep 8th, 2006 09:19:42 AM
that was hands down the most humorous writing i have seen on this site in months. almost makes me want to see this, but only with friends who will "enjoy" it as much as you did. im also all about the moon werwolves! great writing.
I love DEEP BLUE SEA. by Gilkuliehe	Sep 8th, 2006 09:27:38 AM
It practically owns my guilty pleasure department. The CGI sharks are fun as hell. They look lame, but they're fun. Oh and sexy doctor getting naked to elctrocute the shark? GOLD I TELLS YA.
"We-otch" is going to be the new catchphrase by Terry_1978	Sep 8th, 2006 09:29:03 AM
Just you wait. You're going to start seeing it on girls' t-shirts all over the place.
TOO SOON!! by supermonkey	Sep 8th, 2006 09:39:17 AM
I JUST picked up Bewitched, the T.V. series on DVD and I haven't even gotten to the second Darren yet!! Damn you Hollywood!!
Wee-otches on a Plane by TheBaxter	Sep 8th, 2006 09:45:55 AM
enough is enough! i've HAD IT with these muthafukkin WEE-OTCHES on the muthafukkin PLANE!
(In Big Movie Announcer Voice) by supermonkey	Sep 8th, 2006 09:46:54 AM
If You See Only One Movie This Month About 4 Male Witches From The Ipswich Lineage While Battling A 5Th Male Witch Who Doesn't Like The Other 4 Male Witches...Then See.....The Covenant. DO NOT DEBATE ME ON THIS!!!
Wait, Christian Slater shatters? by Billyeveryteen	Sep 8th, 2006 09:47:18 AM
Or just his leg? If you think this review is funny(and it is), check out Vern's CHAOS review. There is no equal.
Hey Lorenzo, what sets off the metal detectors first... by Osmosis Jones	Sep 8th, 2006 10:16:48 AM
...the lead in your ass or the shit in your brains? Fat fuck...
Love Interest/Collateral Great description. by modlight	Sep 8th, 2006 10:36:56 AM

hilarious! watch out for those witch wars... by oisin5199	Sep 8th, 2006 10:37:37 AM
don't want to get involved in those witch politics. They might throw glowy balls at you while striking poses. Craft this ain't.
I've been out of town- by BayouWilly	Sep 8th, 2006 10:58:21 AM
Can someone explain all the Juggfuckling references?
the juggfuckling reference by Lost Prophet	Sep 8th, 2006 11:10:34 AM
comes from the greatest TB of all time: VERN VS THE CHAOS DVD. Go and read it it- pure genius
Hard As Hell by utz_world	Sep 8th, 2006 11:16:14 AM
This has got to be the first review I've ever read with "Rock The Bells" references in it! Friggin classic! LMAO!!!
WE-OTCH!!! by brycemonkey	Sep 8th, 2006 11:18:09 AM
Do Not Debate Me On This
Actually, a better scene in "Mindhunters"... by BigTuna	Sep 8th, 2006 11:47:01 AM
is near the end of the film, when two characters actually have a gunfight underwater! And swim to escape the bullets. It actually isn't a bad b movie to watch on a boring day.
"No doubt they are being egged on by the guitars" by newc0253	Sep 8th, 2006 12:25:33 PM
funny review, man. kudos.
That scene with Christian Slater in Mindhunter by veritasses	Sep 8th, 2006 12:43:15 PM
is damn funny. My friends and I had a brief "what the heck just happened" moment followed by gut busting laughter.
This movie would be great if... by The Dum Guy	Sep 8th, 2006 12:50:56 PM
If it was a minute long commercial for Ford cars during Halloween, on the Bravo network. Just think of when that car hits the truck, it would visualize how fast Ford can fix your car if things go wrong, then again it could work for Allstate too.
Hey Vern... by Mr. Nice Gaius	Sep 8th, 2006 12:56:19 PM
The constant drilling of the "Untold Power" reference killed me. Again, nice job. I expect that you will receive your Renny "The Other Demon" Harlin challenge soon...
Renny Harlin Still Gets To Make Movies... by Aquatarkusman	Sep 8th, 2006 01:01:03 PM
... i'll be damned.
Why Renny is Renny by Arche Logos	Sep 8th, 2006 01:04:21 PM
About 8 years ago I was at the Gold's in Venice and there was this FUGLY assed guy in spandex, tank top and long greasy blonde hair working out with Geena Davis. The guy was Renny and he didn't have a fucking clue. Evidently still doesn't.
It would have been difficult to tell... by Arche Logos	Sep 8th, 2006 01:20:06 PM
but Renny was so fat. Much fatter than Craig.
mindhunters's best line... by eloy	Sep 8th, 2006 01:23:01 PM
"...I guess bulletts were HIS weakness" Or something alike.Worth the ticket.
I guaranfuckingtee this isn't as painful as... by Alonzo Mosely	Sep 8th, 2006 01:35:02 PM
The Brotherhood 2 : Young Warlocks... Which is pseudo soft gayporn posing as a horror movie. ALthough they cut all the horror to make room for all the underage boys in tight white underwear... Were where you to save me from that Vern?
Mindhunters (aka "Yes, I'm brainless!") by Ninja Nerd	Sep 8th, 2006 01:35:19 PM
I saw this turkey on Starz HD a while back. It's a really bad remake of a zillion remakes of an Agatha Christie novel. "Ten Little Indians", "And Then There Were None", etc. Everyone who dies is basically too stupid to live, much less be an FBI agent. Heck, I wanted a refund and I was watching it on cable! "Covenant" can only be more of the same drivel from a very derivative film maker.
Mindhunters is definitely worth a viewing by zerogundamx	Sep 8th, 2006 01:42:46 PM
I mean come on, you even get the guy from Hackers as a lead and a TWIST.
liked it the first time, when it was called by StovetopStuffin'	Sep 8th, 2006 01:58:48 PM
The Craft, Lost Boys, Harry Potter, and Underworld
MINDHUNTERS was fun.... by El Scorcho	Sep 8th, 2006 01:58:49 PM
in that sort of let-an-ugly-chick-jerk-you-off kind of way. Feels good, but not really something you want to remember. Definitely worth watching once, though.
On the moon? by Arche Logos	Sep 8th, 2006 02:19:45 PM
Would the theme song be "Warewolves of Imbrium"?
covenent sucks balls by deadlegend	Sep 8th, 2006 02:41:48 PM
we all know this. I watched Deep Blue Sea when it came out, and I liked it. But when some dicksmack I went to school with said something like "Deep Blue Sea is better than Jaws", I immediately vowed never to watch that piece of shit again. Sam Jackson doesn't necessarily make every movie gold. By far, Renny Harlin's best movie is The Long Kiss Goodnight, simply for Shane Black's excellent writing. It had a unique story and an interesting style. Not a supurb movie, but pretty damn good. But fuck all the rest of his movies. Especially this fucktarded shit.
Werewolves on a Space Station -- IN 3D!!!! by darth_alamew	Sep 8th, 2006 02:42:49 PM
This movie sounds like crap on a cracker, but if that werewolves-in-space flick is really a possibility, then they'd be fools not to make it in 3D. Talk about an instant classic. Throw in Casper Van Diem, LL Cool J, Katie Holmes and William Shatner, and it's a guaranteed instant classic. RUN WITH IT, RENNY -- RUN LIKE THE WIND!!!
Wait by The Dum Guy	Sep 8th, 2006 02:51:13 PM
If werewolves are on the moon, then wouldn't it always be a full moon for them?
The tagline would be: It's always full moon... by brycemonkey	Sep 8th, 2006 03:10:14 PM
On the moon!!! The Howling: Moon Dogs, only in cinemas!
vern is a good citizen by parkandride	Sep 8th, 2006 04:18:42 PM
"One thing I do know, they oughta put a fuckin guard rail on that cliff." I'm pleased that Vern not only has our backs cinematically, but also in terms of general public safety (even when it involves insipid characters in a renny harlin film). When the doorway to true evil opens, I'm sure he'll be the first to offer tips for survival.
Sounds like "Zapped!" by BannedOnTheRun	Sep 8th, 2006 04:32:43 PM
Now THAT was Untold Power.
CLIFFHANGER = Harlin's best movie by thebearovingian	Sep 8th, 2006 04:44:30 PM

Damn Banned, you beat me to it. by half vader	Sep 8th, 2006 07:35:01 PM
I think even the poster had Willie Aimes or Scott Baio flipping up a girl's skirt with untold power.
how about 'zapped again'? by occula	Sep 8th, 2006 09:52:24 PM
don't get me started. you know, i've had a shit day...but reading vern's review makes it all float away. so goddamned funny. now, does anybody else find it curious, the preponderance of 'swim team' drama in teen movies? like a swim meet is some kind of rad action-powered event? 17 years on swim team myself and i was bored the whole goddamned time.

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Vern uses his Untold Power on Renny Harlin's THE COVENANT!!!

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